Family Guy 19x9

Directed by Joseph Lee

Naomi Ekperigin as Hoda Kotb (voice) • Ralph Garman as H (voice) • Rachael MacFarlane as Savannah Guthrie / R / Waitress (voice) • Liam McIntyre as (voice) • Nolan North as (voice)

When the family fails to help Lois with the Christmas shopping, she walks out on the family and the Griffins must try to save Christmas on their own.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. We now return to The Today Show

2. with Matt Lauer sadly looking in the window.

3. First up, Rachael Ray will be here

4. to help us with a simple Christmas recipe.

5. Can I come back now?

6. Then, Al will be in to get you ready

7. with your Christmas travel weather.

8. Are you guys still sore at me?

9. We also share your best tweets about family visitors.

10. I thought about what I did.

11. That looks heavy.

12. Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs

13. while repeatedly yelling

14. in front of my children means only one thing.

15. It's Christmas time.

16. Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago

17. when the "O" in the PornHub logo became a wreath.

18. - Same. - Nice.

19. Listen, there's a lot of work to be done

20. to make this place look festive, and unlike most years,

21. where I do everything, this year I want you all

22. to help with the Christmas chores.

23. Come on, Lois. You know the deal around here.

24. We split everything zero-100, like most couples.

25. And I also have another request.

26. I'd like to finally get a present

27. from the heart this year.

28. Not just some defective clothing item

29. Peter got on clearance at Marshalls.

30. But you love The Roling Stons.

31. Now, to make sure you don't forget your chores,

32. I've made you each a list.

33. And I want all of these completed by tomorrow.

34. Sorry. I can't do chores. My trick elbow is acting up.

35. - Is that your card? - No.

36. Oh, boy, it's worse than I thought.

37. Why are we doing our Christmas shopping at the strip mall?

38. 'Cause we ran out of gas out front.

39. You got to get that gas gauge fixed.

40. Look, Chris, did you want the gas gauge fixed,

41. or did you want a year of Quibi?

42. The gas gauge.

43. I'm sure we can find everything on Mom's list here.

44. It doesn't look so bad.

45. If this place doesn't have Baby Yoda toys, I swear to God...

46. I'll probably buy something with Spider-Man on it.

47. Okay, guys, now before you can shop at a strip mall,

48. you have to use the free-standing ATM

49. that's chained to a pole

50. and not affiliated with any known bank.

51. Good. It's taking an extra-long time

52. to read the card and probably stealing the number.

53. Select "yes" to pay $15 fee. No brainer.

54. Perfect. Now I can't read the screen,

55. 'cause the glare is so bad.

56. And it's not giving me my card back.

57. —Hello?

58. Yes, this is Peter Griffin.

59. Not anymore? Well, thanks for telling me.

60. Look, there's a card and nice paper store.

61. Let's go walk around it slowly and let out tiny farts.

62. Hmm. Nice, thick card stock.

63. Ah, yes, that's a very bright white.

64. Ooh, Century Gothic font.

65. Miss, this store is for tiny farts only.

66. There's a Lids next door for that sort of thing.

67. Welcome to the strip mall H&R Block.

68. Yes, I'd like to do my taxes.

69. - How much does H charge? - $59.

70. Hmm. How much does R charge?

71. $59.

72. Does R know H has a side thing going with M? H&M?

73. I don't know what you're talking about.

74. Is H back from lunch yet?

75. Sorry. He said he was held up with a client.

76. You were with M again, weren't you?

77. What? No, I wasn't.

78. Then why are you wearing a designer-looking shirt

79. at a fraction of the cost?

80. Maybe I wanted to get caught.

81. I told you what I'd do if I ever caught you cheating.

82. This is on you!

83. Why? Why?

84. What's up? I was just taking a pee.

85. Someone call?

86. Sometimes they let me write my own skits.

87. We now return to CBS This Morning

88. with Charlie Rose sadly pressed against the window.

89. Coming up this morning, Christmas came early

90. for a group of first graders in South Bend, Indiana.

91. You guys still cross with me?

92. Hey, how was the big day of shop...

93. Wait. Where's all the Christmas stuff?

94. Ah, yeah. About that...

95. I can't believe this.

96. Brian, where's Stewie's Elf on the Shelf?

97. Meg, where's the twinkling lights I asked for?

98. Peter, where's the Christmas tree?

99. We don't even have a tree.

100. I'm sorry, Lois. I got it all under control.

101. Don't you worry about a thing. I'll be right back.

102. Peter, you did get a tree.

103. Oh, it's beautiful.

104. I sure did, Lois, because I love you and I love this family.

105. Oh, Peter.

106. Peter. Peter.

107. Peter. Peter?

108. Peter Griffin, what the hell is going on here?

109. Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah.

110. I was gonna go get all the Christmas stuff,

111. but then I fell asleep rubbin' one out

112. to Madonna's "Santa Baby" in the car.

113. By the way, tonight's date night is cancelled

114. due to lack of interest.

115. Peter, you were all supposed to take the weight

116. of the holidays off my shoulders for once, and you failed.

117. You all failed.

118. Brian, you're supposed to be responsible.

119. Bad dog. Bad.

120. Damn it. And who got candy cane all over the couch?

121. You know what? I've had it.

122. Every year, my cousin asks me to come to Cabo for Christmas.

123. Well, this year, I'm going.

124. You're all gonna see how hard it is

125. to make Christmas happen around here without me.

126. I am packing my bags, and I'm out of here.

127. You're getting divorced?

128. No, I'm just leaving for a few days

129. and ruining their Christmas.

130. You're ruining Christmas

131. by suing the city over holiday decorations?

132. No, I'm just leaving my family for the holidays.

133. You're doing deaf jokes?

134. No. No one's doing deaf jokes.

135. Well, I can't hear, so I don't know.

136. She's not doing them.

137. - What? - I don't know.

138. I think we... I think...

139. I think we are doing deaf jokes at this point.

140. I can't believe Mom went to Cabo

141. and left us alone for Christmas.

142. What are we gonna do?

143. Well, I'll tell you the first thing we're gonna do.

144. We're gonna delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR.

145. I want to be the one to delete The Crown.

146. She never watched them. She just had 'em.

147. Do it, son.

148. Well, well, well, The Crown.

149. How the tables have turned.

150. Remember this face?

151. The one that wanted to watch Modern Family?

152. Well, payback's a bitch. Delete!

153. "Are you sure you want to delete The Crown?" Yes.

154. "Do you understand that it's really good?" Yes!

155. "Are you sure? It will impress your friends." Accept.

156. "You understand that we change the cast every season."

157. Acknowledge.

158. "Come on. It's The Crown. It's history." Don't care.

159. "You are not allowed to delete The Crown."

160. We now return to The Crown.

161. I actually kind of love it.

162. Ah, me, too.

163. It's 'cause I'm trash, and I love how fancy it is.

164. Dad, this doesn't help with Christmas.

165. Yeah, we're screwed. Who's gonna decorate?

166. Who's gonna cook Christmas dinner?

167. Okay, calm down. Now, I know your mom's gone,

168. and we're a little worried, but Daddy's got a plan.

169. All right, everybody, go outside and kneel face-first

170. in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.

171. Come on, Peter. We can do this.

172. All right, Plan B.

173. I take two pills I got after my root canal

174. and listen to records.

175. It's been four days.

176. Huh. Not too bad.

177. First of all, these are really good binoculars.

178. Second, this was a great plan.

179. Watching the family fall apart without me is better than Cabo.

180. Ah. Look at them.

181. I'll get a phone call any minute

182. begging me to come back and save Christmas.

183. But in the meantime, it's time for a little relaxation.

184. Welcome to the Quahog Motel,

185. the winner of Tripadvisor's award for

186. "Best In-Room Stationery to Write Your Suicide Note On".

187. Yeah, this is gonna work.

188. Now all I have to do is lie here and wait, like a cobra.

189. - Cobra? Party of one? - Yes, that's me.

190. And would you like me to bring your drink from the bar?

191. Uh, yes. I have no hands?

192. All right, time to put up the 2020 Christmas decorations.

193. First, ethnically-accurate Jesus goes right here

194. next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine,

195. followed closely by the three genderless Wise People

196. on their Bird Scooters,

197. Tig Notaro for some reason,

198. and of course, the Little Drummer Them.

199. Because God forbid we call a boy a boy.

200. - Dad, what are you say... - I don't like what the world is!

201. I'm white! When's it gonna be our turn?

202. Peter, relax.

203. How am I supposed to relax?

204. Christmas is tomorrow, and that woman

205. who normally does everything had

206. to go help her sick aunt or something.

207. - You mean Lois? - I don't know.

208. The redhead with the voice.

209. She usually hangs up these stupid Christmas lights.

210. And these stupid Christmas wreaths.

211. And the white wire reindeers that look like ghosts.

212. Dad, look.

213. Oh, my God, it's perfect.

214. —Hello?

215. Yeah, Merry Christmas.

216. Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights?

217. I'm in bed with a three, and, um,

218. extra light is not her friend.

219. Oh, my God. Stewie doesn't have a jacket on,

220. but other than that, Peter's done it.

221. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it.

222. You like it rough, don't ya?

223. Oops, wrong room.

224. Sorry. We're excited. My wife just killed herself.

225. What the hell?

226. They've never had a front yard family snowball fight

227. when I was there.

228. Oh, and now the local news is there.

229. Hello. I'm Tom Tucker. This just in.

230. Husband does what wife normally does, comma, makes headlines.

231. Come on. You can't be...

232. Oh, look at Quagmire

233. trying to sneak that three out of his house.

234. Now they're standing hand-in-hand?

235. It's like they've never been happier.

236. Wait. What's Peter saying?

237. I...

238. love... you.

239. They better not say it back

240. also in distorted slow-motion to emphasize my horror.

241. I... love... you...

242. too... Dad.

243. That's it.

244. There's only one thing to do.

245. I must put an end to this whole thing.

246. I must stop Christmas.

247. Hey, what do you think this is— a Lids?

248. come get a camouflage Knicks hat

249. and let one rip.

250. Find us in the corner of the mall

251. where all the lights are going on and off.

252. Thanks for the ride.

253. And your unsolicited racial theories.

254. I'm telling you: is the Turks, every time.

255. - Merry Christmas.

256. And now, to ruin Christmas.

257. Who left all these dirty dishes out?

258. Okay, much better.

259. I'm not even gonna think about the grocery situation.

260. Okay. Ruin Christmas. Here we go.

261. Don't even care if they transferred the wet clothes

262. from the washer to the dryer.

263. Oh, you see? I knew it. I knew it.

264. Santa Claus?

265. Why are you taking our Christmas tree?

266. Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown?

267. Okay, okay, maybe we both forget what we saw.

268. God, I hate being alone during the holidays.

269. Wait!

270. Hello, Joan. My name is Glenn Quagmire.

271. I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due

272. on my Discover card.

273. What? No, I'm not alone on Christmas.

274. I'll have you know I'm actually here with my very large family.

275. Uh, prove it by telling you my children's real names

276. that don't sound like I made them up in a panic?

277. Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt.

278. Look, there's kids, okay?

279. Oh, what, you don't believe me?

280. Bloofus, that vase was irreplaceable.

281. Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna have to let you go.

282. Wait. You think I was the one who knocked over that vase?

283. How dare you, madam.

284. Oh, now Klunt's acting up. Don't have kids, Joan.

285. It's a big mistake. Merry Christmas.

286. Merry Christmas, everybo... Hey, what happened?

287. Peter, I... I think we've been robbed.

288. I can't believe it.

289. They stole the presents, they stole the decorations.

290. They even stole our tree.

291. I want my presents.

292. Okay, let's just settle down.

293. Everybody kneel in the backyard

294. in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.

295. You know, Peter, this never would've happened

296. if you hadn't gotten rid of that Ring doorbell camera.

297. Ugh, someone crapped on the porch again.

298. I'm checking the footage.

299. Whoever it was probably had no choice, is my guess.

300. Their family was probably using all the bathrooms.

301. That's probably what happened, whoever did that.

302. We now return to Tony Bennett's

303. Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular.

304. Tony!

305. Coming up - on Tony Bennett's

306. Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular,

307. a duet with Willie Nelson.

308. Guys!

309. I'm back from Mexico, and definitely not

310. - Cost Plus World Market. - Welcome back, Lois.

311. I cleaned and got groceries.

312. But I'm afraid we have bad news: we've been robbed.

313. Robbed?

314. On Christmas?

315. Oh, my God.

316. I-I go away for one Christmas,

317. and everything goes down the drain.

318. All of you must feel so terrible.

319. Well, we did, until we realized there was one present

320. - we still had. - There is?

321. - Yeah, Mom. Yours.

322. Remember how you said you wanted a gift from the heart this year?

323. Well, we all got you something.

324. We kept it upstairs because we didn't think

325. you'd be here for Christmas.

326. Oh, well, that's nice.

327. We really made a point to stay on top of the dishes

328. while you were gone.

329. Here you go, Mom. It's from all of us.

330. Read the card first.

331. We put Brian's name on it, but he's just the dog.

332. "Dear Mom, we're sorry

333. "we disappointed you this Christmas.

334. "We know you put a lot of hard work

335. "into making Christmas memorable.

336. "We love and appreciate everything you do.

337. "We'll never let you down again.

338. That you can count on."

339. Wow. That's...

340. that's really nice.

341. - There's more on the back. - Oh.

342. "You see, having a mom is not something

343. "we take for granted, because you only get one.

344. "And the one we have is perfect in every way.

345. We love you."

346. It's beautiful, you guys.

347. Now use this black light to read what we wrote

348. in invisible ink while This Is Us'

349. "sad stuff's about to happen" acoustic guitar plays.

350. "Mom, from the very start,

351. "you've always been there for us.

352. "And we know you've always supported us

353. "and would never do anything to let us down or hurt us.

354. "Thanks for making every Christmas so memorable.

355. We love you so much, Mom."

356. Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.

357. And look up in the sky.

358. Aw, we should've read that one first.

359. Now open your present.

360. Wow.

361. W-What is it?

362. It's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class.

363. A denim-shirted lesbian named CJ helped us.

364. It's...

365. it's beautiful.

366. And what happened next?

367. Well, in Quahog they say,

368. Lois's heart grew three sizes that day.

369. Never seen anything like it.

370. Very dangerous. She's lucky to be alive.

371. - Thank God you're okay. - We love you, Mom.

372. Best Christmas ever.

373. The medical emergency distractd the family from her crimes.

374. She never did confess.

375. Instead, the Griffins' Muslim neighbor

376. was arrested for the break-in.

377. Lois said nothing and the man was deported back to Turkey.

378. See? What I tell you?

379. Always Turkey.

380. Well, it's good to have you back, Lois.

381. If I kept having to wash dishes and buy groceries,

382. - I was gonna go crazy. - Okay.

383. So, Mom, who are these cousins you were in Mexico with?

384. Oh, you know, just my cousins.

385. - Which ones? - Yeah, Mom.

386. Prove it by telling us cousin names

387. that don't sound like you made them up in a panic.

388. Of course I can do that.

389. My good, close cousins Bloofus and Klunt.

390. In fact, I think I hear them upstairs right now.

391. Bloofus? Klunt?

392. - Oh, no, Bloofus,

393. not Meg's diorama project, which is due tomorrow.

394. - Oh, no, Klunt,

395. that was Stewie's aquarium with the fish

396. you have to feed so damn much

397. and they basically always die anyway.

398. Frickin' Klunt, man.

399. Bloofus, put down Peter's pills that came in a discreet box.

400. Got to go.

401. Bloofus.

402. Bloofus!