1. Everyone,
I want to thank you all
Copy !req
2. for helping us decorate
for the fall dance.
Copy !req
3. What's the theme of this dance,
anyway?
Copy !req
4. Ah, been doing this
a long time, Meg.
Copy !req
5. Literally the next thing
out of my mouth. The theme is
Copy !req
6. Climate Change: Dance like
it's the End of the World.
Copy !req
7. - We're going to...
- How do we even decorate
for that?
Copy !req
8. We're gonna
pump the heat up to 92
Copy !req
9. and fill the gym up
with six inches of water.
Copy !req
10. And then, you know, balloons,
streamers, all that crap.
Copy !req
11. So, thanks again.
Copy !req
12. And if anyone needs anything,
just think:
Copy !req
13. "I'm hanging balloons.
Copy !req
14. How could I possibly have
a question?"
Copy !req
15. - What do we even...
- Meg!
Copy !req
16. Thanks, guys.
Copy !req
17. So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I
Copy !req
18. are finally gonna do it
after the dance.
Copy !req
19. You're gonna have sex?
Copy !req
20. I'm talking
about our suicide pact.
Copy !req
21. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
22. I was like, "Who is this girl?"
Copy !req
23. So, Meg, who are you going with?
Copy !req
24. Eh, I'm not gonna go.
Copy !req
25. Oh, come on, you have to.
Copy !req
26. No one asked me.
Copy !req
27. I'm not just gonna
show up alone.
Copy !req
28. You can tag along
with me and my date.
Copy !req
29. Patty, no offense,
Copy !req
30. but the janitor
doesn't count as a date.
Copy !req
31. Yeah, that guy's hideous.
Copy !req
32. Yeah, maybe I won't go with him.
Copy !req
33. Why's this place
so packed tonight?
Copy !req
34. Because every night has to be
some kind of gimmick now.
Copy !req
35. - Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong.
- So cheap.
Copy !req
36. What happened to a place
where you drink beer and talk?
Copy !req
37. It might be time
to find a new bar.
Copy !req
38. Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night.
Copy !req
39. - Would you gentlemen...
- We would be delighted
Copy !req
40. to participate in whatever
spectacle you have planned.
Copy !req
41. Great.
Just to warn you ahead of time,
Copy !req
42. my specialty
is way-too-close-up magic.
Copy !req
43. - Pick a card.
I-I can't see.
Copy !req
44. - Don't tell me.
I-I couldn't possibly.
Copy !req
45. - Can you do something else?
- Very well.
Copy !req
46. Let's just say goodbye
to these cards.
Copy !req
47. Put it out!
Copy !req
48. I have been The Great Sebastian,
Copy !req
49. and I bid you good day.
Copy !req
50. I think maybe the show's over.
Copy !req
51. Excuse me, sir?
You forgot your ve...
Copy !req
52. He's gone.
Copy !req
53. Peter, he's eating a sandwich
right in front of you.
Copy !req
54. Gone.
Copy !req
55. Well, least I got
his stupid vest.
Copy !req
56. Peter, I say this
Copy !req
57. in the strongest
heterosexual way possible,
Copy !req
58. but it looks really good on you.
Copy !req
59. Yeah, I say this in the least
heterosexual way possible,
Copy !req
60. but I shared an ice cream cone
Copy !req
61. with another adult man
last night.
Copy !req
62. Huh, maybe I'll try it out
for a while.
Copy !req
63. Haven't had a new look since
I turned all the boys' heads
Copy !req
64. with a buxom strut.
Copy !req
65. I'm all the boys.
Copy !req
66. Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon.
Copy !req
67. Bruce Almighty!
What it look like, boy?
Copy !req
68. So, you's not going
to the big dance tonight?
Copy !req
69. Oh. You know about that, huh?
Copy !req
70. I heard some kids talking
in the bathroom
Copy !req
71. while I was taking a doody.
Copy !req
72. Yeah, I...
Copy !req
73. I-I just didn't feel like going,
I guess.
Copy !req
74. Listen, my shift's up
in a few minutes.
Copy !req
75. Can I's interest you in half
a lukewarm grilled cheese
Copy !req
76. - and cold fries?
- I'd like that.
Copy !req
77. And maybe after,
we can take edibles
Copy !req
78. and stare
at the solar system carpet.
Copy !req
79. - Oh, for sure.
- I know a spot
Copy !req
80. where there ain't
too many spills.
Copy !req
81. Dad, where are you going?
Copy !req
82. Wearing a vest
means I'm a failed actor
Copy !req
83. who teaches acting in a city
that's not New York or L. A.
Copy !req
84. All right,
Shreveport Community Center.
Copy !req
85. Listen close, for I shall
teach you the acting craft.
Copy !req
86. Hey, didn't my husband chase
you away from our recycling bin?
Copy !req
87. Use that.
Copy !req
88. And the award for Best Actress
goes to Susan Davis for
Copy !req
89. Get Away from My Recycling Bin,
You Fat, Failed Actor.
Copy !req
90. —She used it.
Copy !req
91. Hey, stranger.
Are you the new piano player?
Copy !req
92. I'm wearing a vest, ain't I?
Copy !req
93. What is this sissy music?
Copy !req
94. It's Richard Clayderman's
"Music Box Dancer."
Copy !req
95. How are we supposed to brawl
to this?
Copy !req
96. Maybe we don't brawl today.
Copy !req
97. Maybe we just close our eyes
and smile.
Copy !req
98. Whoa. Wh-Where am I?
Copy !req
99. You're a Westworld robot.
Copy !req
100. You live
in a computer-generated simul...
Copy !req
101. Yeah, I already don't care.
Copy !req
102. Dad, what are we doing at a
Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert?
Copy !req
103. Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest.
Copy !req
104. Figured I'd come dance
with other lonely whites.
Copy !req
105. Let me just connect
my really long chain
Copy !req
106. to my wallet and get in there.
Copy !req
107. I'm tangled. I'm tangled
in your wallet chains.
Copy !req
108. Stop! S-Somebody please tell
one of the 20 people onstage
Copy !req
109. to please stop playing.
I can't feel my arms.
Copy !req
110. One of you tattooed
Betty Boop ladies, help me.
Copy !req
111. Hi, I'm the lead singer
of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
Copy !req
112. My name doesn't matter.
Copy !req
113. Please, don't wear wallet chais
to our shows. Otherwise,
Copy !req
114. you could end up with both arms
ripped off like this guy.
Copy !req
115. Tell them we're the band
from Swingers.
Copy !req
116. We're not the band
from Swingers.
Copy !req
117. We're not?
Copy !req
118. Peter.
Copy !req
119. Peter?
Copy !req
120. Oh, Peter,
thank God you're awake.
Copy !req
121. - Wh-What happened?
- This should explain everything.
Copy !req
122. A Farewell to Arms.
Copy !req
123. I fell in love
with a nurse during World War I?
Copy !req
124. No, no, just the title. It's...
There's no way you've read that.
Copy !req
125. N-Never mind.
We couldn't reattach your arms.
Copy !req
126. - Oh, my God!
- Don't worry. They'll grow back.
Copy !req
127. Just spread the seeds on,
Copy !req
128. keep them watered,
and watch them grow.
Copy !req
129. See? They're already coming in.
Copy !req
130. Probably not gonna be able
to have sex
Copy !req
131. for, like, a while,
though, right?
Copy !req
132. - I think it should be fine.
- Oh, yay.
Copy !req
133. Oh, what, you think I enjoy it?
Copy !req
134. Oh, hey, y'all.
I'll be outside in a minute.
Copy !req
135. - Who's that?
- Oh, he's nobody.
Copy !req
136. But I see that he wore
my belt today.
Copy !req
137. Listen, I'm sorry you're having
problems at school.
Copy !req
138. Aw, thanks.
I've just never fit in there.
Copy !req
139. Then I get out
at the end of the day
Copy !req
140. only to realize
I don't fit in at home, either.
Copy !req
141. Preaching to the choir, sister.
Copy !req
142. My parents
has never understood me.
Copy !req
143. Every time I see them, it's,
"When you gonna meet a woman?
Copy !req
144. "When you gonna get married?
Copy !req
145. "Why don't you ever wear
that belt we gave you?
Copy !req
146. Blah-blah-blah."
Copy !req
147. Meg, my friend,
Copy !req
148. you and I's two of a kind.
Copy !req
149. Bruce... i-is this a date?
Copy !req
150. Well, none of the other tables
is shaking their head at us,
Copy !req
151. but it sure feels like one.
Copy !req
152. Well, whatever it is,
Copy !req
153. thanks for hanging out
with me tonight.
Copy !req
154. I really needed the company.
Copy !req
155. Oh, please. Thank you
for hanging out with me.
Copy !req
156. Guess who has a boyfriend!
Copy !req
157. - Come on.
- Hey, y'all.
Copy !req
158. Uh, hi.
Copy !req
159. Lois, can I please see you
in Joe's kitchen?
Copy !req
160. Don't you mean our kitchen?
Copy !req
161. No, they have better snacks.
Copy !req
162. So, Meg's boyfriend.
Interesting choice.
Copy !req
163. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,
I know Joe has Cheez-Its.
Copy !req
164. I saw him eating them earlier.
Where the hell are they?
Copy !req
165. You're not gonna find them.
Copy !req
166. I was eating a bunch of them,
and I jokingly said,
Copy !req
167. "Bonnie, hide these."
And she did.
Copy !req
168. She hides my food so I don't
get bored like a zoo polar bear.
Copy !req
169. Good luck.
They could be anywhere.
Copy !req
170. Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse.
Copy !req
171. - Isn't that, like,
a 50-year-old gay guy?
- Chris!
Copy !req
172. Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay?
Copy !req
173. How should I know, man?
Copy !req
174. I should be the one
asking you that.
Copy !req
175. - Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
176. Bruce, don't you live
on our street?
Copy !req
177. Yeah, I'm the house
on the corner.
Copy !req
178. You know,
the incongruous purple one
Copy !req
179. with all the desert plants?
Copy !req
180. Ah, yes, I know it well.
I've left my dog's expulsions
Copy !req
181. on your Astroturf many times.
Copy !req
182. Welcome to our home.
Put her there.
Copy !req
183. Um, wh-where?
Copy !req
184. The hand, you blockhead.
Copy !req
185. Hey, boo,
we should probably get going.
Copy !req
186. Where are you two lovebirds
off to?
Copy !req
187. The waxing place.
Bruce is getting a treatment.
Copy !req
188. I'm just getting an estimate
from my team.
Copy !req
189. Oh, gross.
Copy !req
190. Peter, why is our daughter
dating a gay man?
Copy !req
191. Lois, I don't even pretend
Copy !req
192. to know what's going on
out there anymore.
Copy !req
193. Meg's completely oblivious
to it.
Copy !req
194. You know, what I'd like to know
is why he's doing this.
Copy !req
195. Is it really such
a bad thing, Lois?
Copy !req
196. I mean, they're having fun
with each other.
Copy !req
197. Speaking of having fun,
Copy !req
198. what do you say you and I do
a little of the old, uh...
Copy !req
199. Eh?
Copy !req
200. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
201. Are you okay to swim like that?
Copy !req
202. Am I okay to swim?
Copy !req
203. I'm not.
Copy !req
204. I can only flap about
like a motorized tub toy.
Copy !req
205. Please help me. And hurry.
Copy !req
206. I'm about to get hit by
the old retired guy doing laps.
Copy !req
207. Quick! He can't hear me
Copy !req
208. because there's an investment
commercial playing in his head.
Copy !req
209. What are your retirement goals?
Copy !req
210. Swimming past
a tiny-armed fat guy
Copy !req
211. flailing in a public pool?
Copy !req
212. T. Rowe Price.
We've got you covered.
Copy !req
213. Look at that guy.
He did everything right.
Copy !req
214. Hey, what you doing?
Copy !req
215. I... just won a 30-pound bag
of wood chips on eBay.
Copy !req
216. - What's up with you?
- Listen,
Copy !req
217. I wanted to talk to you
about Bruce.
Copy !req
218. Isn't he the best?
Copy !req
219. Uh-huh. Yeah, he's great.
Copy !req
220. But you haven't noticed
anything different about him?
Copy !req
221. - Like what?
- Well, I-I don't know
how to talk about this,
Copy !req
222. but here's a film my father made
me watch when I was your age.
Copy !req
223. Then during lunch,
Copy !req
224. Ralph showed him
some pornographic pictures.
Copy !req
225. Jimmy knew he shouldn't
be interested,
Copy !req
226. but, well, he was curious.
Copy !req
227. What Jimmy didn't know
was that Ralph was sick—
Copy !req
228. a sickness that was not visible
like smallpox,
Copy !req
229. but no less dangerous
and contagious—
Copy !req
230. a sickness of the mind.
Copy !req
231. You see, Ralph was a homosexual,
Copy !req
232. a person who demands
an intimate relationship
Copy !req
233. with members of their own sex...
Copy !req
234. Is that Earth?
Copy !req
235. Oh, for Pete's sake,
I am 99% sure Bruce is gay.
Copy !req
236. What? Mom, he works
part-time at Lush.
Copy !req
237. It's him and, like, ten girls.
Trust me, guy's a total P-hound.
Copy !req
238. Listen, I'm just trying to...
Copy !req
239. Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.
Copy !req
240. Pathetic little Meg
is happy for once,
Copy !req
241. and you just can't take it.
Copy !req
242. And I get it, okay?
Copy !req
243. You're in a miserable marriage,
Copy !req
244. so why would you want
anyone else to be happy?
Copy !req
245. Meg, that's ridiculous.
Copy !req
246. Your father and I
love each other very much.
Copy !req
247. Lois, where's the first aid kit?
Copy !req
248. I tried to put a Ellio's
in the oven and I burnt my head.
Copy !req
249. - Top of the closet.
- Oh, that little case?
Copy !req
250. I've been taking that to work
to look like a businessman.
Copy !req
251. Hold the elevator.
Hold the elevator.
Copy !req
252. Sorry.
Copy !req
253. Can someone push
any button, please?
Copy !req
254. I don't work here,
I'm just being silly.
Copy !req
255. I am throwing rocks tonight.
Copy !req
256. Mark it, Bruce.
Copy !req
257. Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight.
Copy !req
258. And you're not so bad yourself.
Copy !req
259. Ugh. My mother is so annoying.
Copy !req
260. She's got some kind of hair
across her ass about us.
Copy !req
261. - Oh, no.
- I know.
Copy !req
262. I told my folks about you
and they lit up
Copy !req
263. - like a Christmas tree.
- Really?
Copy !req
264. You bet your sugar cookies
they did.
Copy !req
265. They's coming to town tomorrow.
Copy !req
266. But there's something
I wanted to ask you before that.
Copy !req
267. Babe, I told you, I really don't
want to sell Herbalife.
Copy !req
268. We'll give that time,
Copy !req
269. but this is something
a little more special.
Copy !req
270. Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin,
will you...
Copy !req
271. Hey, hi. So, I told you
about ten minutes ago
Copy !req
272. something's wrong with 14.
Copy !req
273. Yep, somebody's working
on it, sir.
Copy !req
274. Dad, what's going on?
Copy !req
275. This sucks. I want to go home.
Copy !req
276. Please. My wife's out of town.
Copy !req
277. I-I don't know what else to do.
Copy !req
278. You have to help me.
Copy !req
279. You have to help me right now.
Copy !req
280. Should just be
another couple minutes.
Copy !req
281. Dad, Tyson spilled
fruit punch on me.
Copy !req
282. No, I didn't.
Copy !req
283. Dad!
Copy !req
284. Meg, there you are.
Copy !req
285. - Look, I wanted
to apologize and...
- No need, Mom.
Copy !req
286. Let me show you
just how wrong you were.
Copy !req
287. Bruce and I are engaged!
Copy !req
288. - What?
Engaged?
Copy !req
289. No daughter of mine
is getting married at 18.
Copy !req
290. I forbid it. Forbidden!
Copy !req
291. Peter, I'm sorry,
I'm just not okay
Copy !req
292. with our daughter marrying
someone who is clearly gay.
Copy !req
293. You know,
you're starting to sound
Copy !req
294. an awful lot
like your own mother.
Copy !req
295. This isn't gonna be good
for either of them.
Copy !req
296. Lois, let me ask you something.
Copy !req
297. What's the best-case scenario
for someone like Meg?
Copy !req
298. Dying alone in a lighthouse?
Maybe Bruce changed.
Copy !req
299. And-and either way,
Meg's happy for once.
Copy !req
300. I say we go with it.
Copy !req
301. It's gonna be all right.
Copy !req
302. No, it's not gonna be all right.
Copy !req
303. It's never gonna
be all right again
Copy !req
304. if they go through with this.
Copy !req
305. Peter, we got to do...
Copy !req
306. Get a hold of yourself, woman.
She's coming downstairs.
Copy !req
307. Well, there's the bride-to-be.
Copy !req
308. - Oh, hey, Mom.
- Listen, Meg,
Copy !req
309. I was hoping we could
put all this behind us.
Copy !req
310. I'd like that.
Copy !req
311. That's better. And I'm sorry
for what I said about Bruce.
Copy !req
312. If you love him, then your
father and I fully support it.
Copy !req
313. Thanks, Mom.
Speaking of which,
Copy !req
314. I'm finally gonna meet
Bruce's parents.
Copy !req
315. Would you guys want to
come to dinner with us?
Copy !req
316. - Oh, we'd love to come.
- Oh, thank you, Mom.
Copy !req
317. Family hug. Bring it in.
Copy !req
318. Seriously, you got
to bring it in.
Copy !req
319. Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you
smile like this in a long time.
Copy !req
320. Probably not since you were in
that music video.
Copy !req
321. I can't believe my little girl
is getting married tomorrow.
Copy !req
322. Hey, hey, everybody.
Copy !req
323. I'd like you to meet my parents
Phil and Candy Straight.
Copy !req
324. Peter Griffin. My arms
were torn off at a concert.
Copy !req
325. So, these two lovebirds
are gonna tie the knot.
Copy !req
326. Yes, a heterosexual marriage,
just like you always wanted.
Copy !req
327. And I did, too.
All of us did.
Copy !req
328. Well, as someone
who doesn't get subtext,
Copy !req
329. I just want to say cheers.
Copy !req
330. You know what?
This calls for champagne.
Copy !req
331. - Sir? Excuse me, sir?
Copy !req
332. Ugh, this waiter is terrible.
Copy !req
333. Finally.
Copy !req
334. We would like
your finest champagne
Copy !req
335. and your longest fork
and knife, please.
Copy !req
336. So, Phil,
what line of work you in?
Copy !req
337. Ooh, what did you order? Mind?
Copy !req
338. I can't believe my little girl's
getting married.
Copy !req
339. You look beautiful, Meg.
Copy !req
340. Really? You think so?
Copy !req
341. Uh... uh-huh. Y-Yes.
Copy !req
342. Five minutes, honey.
Copy !req
343. The Shropnicks made it
all the way in from Colorado.
Copy !req
344. How about that?
Copy !req
345. Say hi to the Shropnicks.
They came a long way.
Copy !req
346. Hi, guys. Thank you so much
for coming all this way.
Copy !req
347. From Colorado. Where we live.
Copy !req
348. Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
Copy !req
349. to celebrate the union
of these two very special people
Copy !req
350. on their very special day.
Copy !req
351. That's Jeffrey,
Bruce's longtime boyfriend.
Copy !req
352. The priest's voice faded out
and now it'll fade back in
Copy !req
353. to show that he's further along
in the ceremony.
Copy !req
354. and finally, Edward Zylock.
Copy !req
355. Fallen heroes, all.
Copy !req
356. Now, does anyone have any reason
Copy !req
357. why these two
should not be married?
Copy !req
358. I do.
Copy !req
359. - What?
- The bride?
Copy !req
360. Did you park on the street?
I parked on the street.
Copy !req
361. I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Copy !req
362. I know you don't really want
to marry me.
Copy !req
363. You're only doing this
to make your parents happy.
Copy !req
364. And I know...
Copy !req
365. Well, I-I think
I know everything.
Copy !req
366. What gave it away?
Copy !req
367. When I saw you
with your parents.
Copy !req
368. You obviously just want them
off your back.
Copy !req
369. Plus your iPhoto library
Copy !req
370. is mostly guys' things
next to Comcast remotes.
Copy !req
371. I only meet the ones
that go past the volume button.
Copy !req
372. Someone want to tell me
what the hell is going on here?
Copy !req
373. Mom, Dad, I'm gay.
Copy !req
374. What?
Copy !req
375. Peter, you knew that.
Copy !req
376. Is this some kind of joke?
Copy !req
377. This ain't no joke, Daddy.
I like mens.
Copy !req
378. This feels like an episode
that someone
Copy !req
379. would get a prize for in 1994.
Copy !req
380. Maybe we should talk
about this another time, dear.
Copy !req
381. No. I want to talk
about it now.
Copy !req
382. I'm gay, and like all gay men,
it was a choice I made
Copy !req
383. when I couldn't find a table
at the high school cafeteria.
Copy !req
384. Cork up those ink pots.
We know that's not how it works.
Copy !req
385. Everyone, thank you for coming,
Copy !req
386. but I'm afraid there isn't
going to be a wedding today.
Copy !req
387. Oh, yes, there is.
Copy !req
388. Jeffrey, get your pimply
little ass up here.
Copy !req
389. Jeffrey, will you marry me?
Copy !req
390. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
391. Come on, Shropnicks,
we're leaving.
Copy !req
392. Let's start
the 21-hour drive home.
Copy !req
393. You-you guys can't
get married in the church.
Copy !req
394. We don't recognize you
as... well, as people.
Copy !req
395. Ugh, fine.
Copy !req
396. Everyone, meet us
in the Walgreens parking lot
Copy !req
397. down the street.
Copy !req
398. Meg, sweetie, are you okay?
Copy !req
399. You know what, Mom? I am.
Copy !req
400. Bruce and Jeffrey
love each other.
Copy !req
401. They deserve to be happy.
Copy !req
402. - And so do I.
- Oh, Meg.
Copy !req
403. Don't make this day about you.
Copy !req
404. - Oh, Bruce.
- Oh, Jeffrey.
Copy !req
405. Oh...
Copy !req
406. No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
407. No, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
408. No.
Copy !req
409. It's nice
that they're doing this,
Copy !req
410. but who's gonna marry them?
Copy !req
411. By the power vested in me,
Copy !req
412. I pronounce you
husband and husband.
Copy !req
413. You may kiss when you get home.
Copy !req
414. Well, we just lost the prize.
Copy !req
415. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
Meg's wedding took up
Copy !req
416. a little more time than we would
have liked this week,
Copy !req
417. so we didn't get
to do everything
Copy !req
418. we wanted to with my hands.
Copy !req
419. So, here's a supercut of me
having a little fun around town.
Copy !req
420. We like it a lot.
We hope you will, too.
Copy !req
421. Go, go, go!
Copy !req
422. Come on, big money.
Copy !req
423. Still $300.
Copy !req
424. - Uh, how about T again?
Copy !req
425. Strike.
Copy !req
426. Strike three and he knew it.
Copy !req