Family Guy 19x1

Directed by Mike Kim

Sunkrish Bala as Cricket Fan (voice) • Steve Callaghan as Supermarket Employee #2 (voice) • Henry Holcomb as Caillou (voice) • Pej Vahdat as Cricket Fan (voice) • John Viener as Roger (voice)

Stewie finally says his first word, and it's a swear. When Lois is shunned by the other moms, she tries to figure out where Stewie could have possibly learned it.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings.

2. It's all just weird foreign sports fans,

3. like those Pakistani cricket hooligans.

4. If you are not rooting for Lahore,

5. please you may leave, I can tell you!

6. Lahore cricketers are the best,

7. and the others are not the best, dear friends.

8. I'm for Karachi, but I don't got a death wish about it.

9. Guys, what's wrong with us?

10. It's Saturday morning, and we're drinking in a bar.

11. We should be drinking at the Goodwill donation dumpster.

12. - Why come? - 'Cause right now's when all the yard sales end.

13. We can get first pick of the abandoned leftovers.

14. That's a stupid idea. There's not gonna

15. be anything good in that dumpster.

16. What if I told you everything I'm wearing right now

17. I found in that dumpster?

18. Is that a bachelorette sash?

19. Scott said I could do hand stuff this weekend, but that's it.

20. I told you this is stupid.

21. There's nothing good in here.

22. Hey, look— a pair of working legs.

23. Dibs on these.

24. Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire!

25. Joe, I said dibs.

26. No, no, you're right. You said dibs.

27. Whoa. Check it out. A Sorry! board game.

28. Let me see it.

29. - Three pieces missing. - How'd you do that?

30. I can shake anything and figure out what all's in there.

31. You got 11 periods left.

32. Cool. VHS of Eraserhead.

33. This'll be good for when I never want to sleep again.

34. Holy crap.

35. Wha-What? What is it?

36. A Magic 8 Ball!

37. This thing can tell the future.

38. No, it can't, Peter. It's just a stupid toy.

39. I don't know. Let's test it.

40. Will there be snow this Christmas?

41. Oh, my God, the ball is right.

42. I should ask again later.

43. How did it know that?

44. Guys, from now on, I am living my life

45. according to the Magic 8 Ball.

46. It will lead me like the shorebird

47. that led the first Pilgrims to Boston.

48. Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city

49. where sports fans can be notoriously racist?

50. Yeah, and can we also ruin "Sweet Caroline"

51. - for everyone else? - Absolutely.

52. Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11?

53. And can our own 9/11 be, like, one one-thousandth as bad,

54. but we'll still make a fricking movie about it?

55. I think I know just the place.

56. Okay, I don't know if this is gonna be a problem,

57. but we forgot to bring the letter "R."

58. No problem at all.

59. Right this way, large-faced whites!

60. Let's go, Red Sox!

61. Let's go, Red Sox!

62. What is that?

63. It's my Magic 8 Ball.

64. This is the first black ball

65. that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with.

66. Why is it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials?

67. That's a very gross question, Meg.

68. You may take your breakfast in the attic.

69. That question aside, I'm having a blast with my new 8 Ball.

70. It knows everything. Watch.

71. Magic 8 Ball,

72. will my middle-of-the-highway puppet show be a success?

73. Well, I'll show this thing.

74. —

75. How'd it go, Dad?

76. I don't know, Sparky. What did you think?

77. The performance was a little flat.

78. Magic 8 Ball.

79. Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored.

80. Should I sniff my coworker's hair?

81. He told me to do it!

82. Mr. Griffin, if a Magic 8 Ball asked you

83. to jump off a building, would you do that, too?

84. Did it?

85. No, I'm just using that as an example of...

86. I listened to the toy!

87. Magic 8 Ball, what's the best e-mail provider?

88. "Outlook good." Interesting.

89. He's not raving about it, but it's a solid choice.

90. Let's go, Peter. Time for church.

91. Mom said they're gonna serve Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour.

92. Lois... church?

93. Who am I supposed to worship— Jesus?

94. This is my god now.

95. Watch your mouth, Peter.

96. Sorry, Lois, but my religion is now the 8 Ball.

97. Magic 8 Ball, is the Fox network sustainable

98. in this new streaming world?

99. No. No!

100. Kim, what's wrong?

101. A black ball went to waste.

102. Are you streaming Mindhunter in church?

103. I'm trying to stream Mindhunter in church.

104. Freaking guest Wi-Fi.

105. You know the priest gets the good Wi-Fi.

106. And yea, the Lord said...

107. Whoa, whoa. Mindhunter's going in.

108. I mean...

109. Thou art the children of Abraham, and thou shalt...

110. He's playing you!

111. You think you're playing him? He's playing you.

112. I hate this. When do I get my cookie?

113. I just want my cookie so I can go home.

114. Now please join me in silent prayer.

115. And as we settle into the silence,

116. I remind you that— in honor of Lent—

117. today's coffee service will not include Chewy Chips Ahoy.

118. —

119. Hey, Stewie said his first word.

120. And it was a swear.

121. Well, this is unacceptable.

122. We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast.

123. Unbelievable.

124. Let's go!

125. I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word

126. and it ends up being... that.

127. Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me.

128. I may have to start drinking wine at home alone.

129. - Start? - Not the day for it, Chris! Not the day!

130. I don't get it, Stewie. You've been talking forever.

131. Why did everyone suddenly understand you now?

132. I don't know.

133. I was feeling so much intense emotion in the moment,

134. and that one word somehow just burst through.

135. Yeah, but now what? Everyone can understand you?

136. I don't think so.

137. Not unless I'm yelling something I feel strongly about.

138. Greta Gerwig is a national treasure!

139. See? Nothing.

140. I guess I'm not feeling it. I don't know.

141. What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express?

142. Anger. What kind of a person would I be then?

143. Larry David, Lewis Black,

144. a Trump voter, everyone on Twitter.

145. But I don't want to be any of those things.

146. They've got to hear me.

147. Ice cream! Lollipop!

148. Bubbles! Kitty cat!

149. Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool!

150. Fire truck! Goldfish! Finger paint!

151. Lois, what are you doing here?

152. What do you mean? You invited us.

153. Sorry, but we can't have Stewie here.

154. I brought my own veggie burgers,

155. but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it.

156. What with his profanity and all, I don't think

157. Stewie would be a good influence on the other children.

158. Is there a designated spot on the grill

159. for the veggie burgers?

160. And again, not a big deal.

161. You're saying that because of a swear word,

162. my son isn't good enough for your pool party?

163. It's a little bit about him swearing,

164. but mostly about you as a parent.

165. Kevin, I said, no arrows!

166. Crossbows don't shoot arrows.

167. They shoot bolts, dumb-ass!

168. Okay, sweetie.

169. Hey, Dad, did you hear what Einstein called bolts?

170. I heard it.

171. Brian, shut off the television.

172. It's ruined my baby!

173. What are you talking about?

174. Stewie obviously learned to swear from some TV show.

175. No, he didn't. The only show he watches is Caillou.

176. Well, then that little French-Canadian weirdo

177. is the potty mouth, I'm sure of it.

178. And I'm willing to watch every single episode just to prove it.

179. Caillou was upset.

180. Why am I bald? I'm not a baby. I'm four.

181. Are kids just bald in Canada?

182. So Caillou decided

183. to look himself up on Wikipedia.

184. God, this is dull.

185. Maybe I'm supposed to be a cancer survivor,

186. and this show is very inspiring.

187. But Caillou wasn't a cancer survivor.

188. The show's creators just made a weird choice.

189. Caillou's low-testosterone father

190. again indulged Caillou's tantrum,

191. clearly trying to raise a sociopath.

192. It's okay, Caillou.

193. I'll bake you a pie.

194. He said, his body flooding with estrogen.

195. Lois?

196. Are you dead?

197. Can I eat you?

198. - Huh? What? - Ah, another time.

199. Oh. I-I, um... I watched that Caillou, and you're right.

200. Stewie didn't learn that word from Caillou.

201. That means he learned it from someone in this house.

202. - Okay. - And I will find out who.

203. I'm gonna set a trap

204. and lure the swearer into revealing himself.

205. That sounds hard.

206. Oh, I will find the swearer.

207. Dad, why are we sitting

208. on the washing machine?

209. Because in Canada,

210. men have vaginas.

211. Hey, what's with the stairs? Why do they look different?

212. Oh, I'm trying to prove

213. that Peter's the one cussing in the house,

214. so I waxed the staircase for him to fall down.

215. Hey, Lois, have you seen my Spider-Man socks?

216. - I can't seem to...

217. Ouch. Oh, heavens.

218. Oh, goodness gracious.

219. That's smarts. Oh, my.

220. Egad. Well, I'll be.

221. Yikes.

222. Peter, when did you become so polite?

223. Oh, I've been hanging out with Caillou's beta dad.

224. In fact, I'm meeting him at the park

225. to eat unsalted saltines on the swings.

226. I feel like you're wearing

227. what Rachel Maddow would wear to a pumpkin patch.

228. Lois couldn't find the swearer,

229. nor could she remove the voice

230. of the grating Caillou narrator from her head.

231. Make it stop!

232. Not until you kill them all, Lois.

233. Oh, crap.

234. It's the lady with the baby who cussed.

235. Turn out the lights.

236. Shh. Quiet, quiet.

237. H-Hello?

238. Hello! I know you're in there!

239. We're closed!

240. I know you're not closed.

241. I see the Instacart people in there

242. emotionlessly filling up their baskets.

243. We're a family establishment,

244. so take your foul-mouthed baby and go away!

245. Please, let me in!

246. I can only poop behind a punch-code door!

247. There's something about the beeps.

248. It gets things moving!

249. It's very secure!

250. Go away!

251. You can't do this!

252. When a mom is shunned by groceries,

253. she has nothing!

254. Please!

255. Aah! It's those antibacterial wipes for the shopping carts!

256. It's burning my eyes!

257. !

258. Oh, my God.

259. I-It's me.

260. I'm the swearer.

261. Oh, God.

262. I'm ruining my child!

263. Lois was sad,

264. but not as sad as she was going to be

265. when she realizes she has to use those ouchie wipes

266. to make a potty next to the store dumpster.

267. I feel so awful.

268. I've corrupted my baby

269. with my foul language and my terrible anger.

270. I'm so sorry that happened, Lois.

271. And Lofthouse cookies weren't available

272. at any other grocery store?

273. Don't worry, Dad. I Instacarted some.

274. Here's your stuff.

275. Thank you. Have a good night.

276. No.

277. Anyway, the point is

278. I have to deal with my anger and fix myself.

279. So I've decided to attend this relaxation retreat

280. at Vista del Vista Resort.

281. Uh, gosh, I don't know about that, Lois.

282. It sounds really expensive.

283. No, I guess you're right.

284. There's no way we can afford it.

285. Plus, if I go, that means I won't be here

286. to help out around the house or feed you guys

287. or monitor your Internet usage every day...

288. - You should go. - Yeah, Mom,

289. you should go, for sure.

290. Because they want to masturbate, you see.

291. Okay.

292. Uh, I don't know what that was,

293. but, Lois, you should go to that resort.

294. Go relax and fix yourself.

295. Really?

296. You guys'll be okay while I'm gone?

297. Sure. We'll have fun!

298. Just like that time me and Chris went Jet Ski'ing.

299. Yeah! This is awesome!

300. I know, right?

301. Oh, my God!

302. It's okay, Chris.

303. I'm sure that was the only one.

304. Dolphins swim alone.

305. Okay, maybe we should turn back.

306. No.

307. Kill every last one of them.

308. Chris and I never spoke of that day.

309. But whenever somebody talks about how smart dolphins are,

310. Chris and I look at each other like,

311. "No."

312. Lois Griffin? My name is Roger,

313. and I'll be guiding this relaxation adventure

314. for you and the other white women,

315. plus an Asian woman who has a white husband back home.

316. I feel more relaxed already.

317. Now sit down and enjoy some spa music that's mostly rain.

318. Hey, guys, can we take it from the rain again?

319. Well, Chris and Meg are off to school.

320. Guess it's just you and me now.

321. You want a Popsicle?

322. Huh?

323. Breakfast Popsicle?

324. Whoa, there's vodka in here.

325. Now, what— Uh, now, what is—

326. Now, what... what did you want?

327. What...

328. Let's go play in the hot yard.

329. I'm two and a half hours late for preschool.

330. Your dad...

331. What... Who wants milk?

332. L-Let me quick just check in the freezer.

333. You-you burger.

334. Here-Here's your veggie burger.

335. It'll thaw out.

336. It... You s-suck on it.

337. It'll thaw out nice.

338. All right, I'm out of here.

339. Ah, this is the perfect amount of drunk

340. for a Filet-O-Fish.

341. Hey.

342. I'm, um, Trey Headband,

343. and I'm your dumb yoga instructor?

344. Yoga is, um, good?

345. And from, um, like, China?

346. Ready? Go.

347. Go what?

348. What?

349. Y-You didn't tell us what to do.

350. Awesome. You guys did great.

351. Let's take a break.

352. Who's got yoga questions?

353. Oh, I have a question.

354. What does "namaste" mean?

355. I don't know.

356. I've never heard of that.

357. But do you guys remember OP shorts?

358. What does that have to do with yoga?

359. I don't know.

360. I'm just saying, those were pretty rad.

361. You guys are doing really good.

362. Keep going.

363. I'm gonna go to that bathroom right there

364. and do explosive diarrhea.

365. Just be quiet and meditate now.

366. Right on?

367. Just, like, be one with the silence.

368. If you hear a sound,

369. just, um, rec-knowledge it

370. and then, like, let it go?

371. Meditation doesn't have diarrhea sounds.

372. All right, let's check in on Peter and the baby.

373. Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy to mow this very rocky backyard.

374. So I'll just put you in this baby seat you've grown out of,

375. right where the rocks are gonna fly.

376. Wait, what?

377. Hang on! Stop!

378. - Aah! - Uhp, there we go.

379. - Wow, that's a lot of rocks.

380. Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off!

381. - Uhp, the voles are back.

382. You can tell from all the very many rocks.

383. Look at 'em fly!

384. Still think moving was such a bad idea?

385. I don't know.

386. Do we still live with your mother?

387. Good morning, everyone.

388. Let me start with another friendly reminder

389. to please not flush your feminine products.

390. The yard over the septic tank out back

391. looks like a Braveheart battlefield.

392. Okay. Now it's time for everyone to choose a mantra.

393. What's that?

394. It's like a word you say that brings you peace.

395. A special word.

396. A word of release and catharsis.

397. You mean like?

398. Now, now, Lois, let's keep things acceptable.

399. I mean, I'm just saying— I already have a word

400. that does all those things when I say it.

401. - And that word is...

402. Yes, we heard the word! Lois, please...

403. No, no, maybe I'm not perfect,

404. but I'm a good person.

405. I love my children.

406. I like my husband.

407. And there are worse things

408. than occasionally using a swear word.

409. I'm out of here.

410. Guys, I'm worried about the baby.

411. He's hardly touched any of his birdseed.

412. Are you sure we're shaking him enough?

413. I'm home!

414. —Yeah!

415. I missed you guys so much.

416. I'm so sorry I had that little meltdown.

417. But, more than that,

418. I'm sorry I left you guys on your own.

419. This is where I want to be.

420. Is that okay with you guys?

421. Of course, Lois.

422. Everyone's glad you're home,

423. except for mean older brother Buzz,

424. who never says anything nice.

425. Uh-oh. Here he is now.

426. Hey, Lois.

427. Pretty cool you're back.

428. Aw, I guess he's not such a bad guy after all.

429. Also, America should only accept white immigrants.

430. Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy.

431. Well, I am so happy to be home.

432. But there's one little guy I missed most of all.

433. Where's my baby?

434. Stewie,

435. I-it's me.

436. I'm home.

437. Mommy!

438. - Whoa. - Wow.

439. It's Stewie's second word!

440. Oh, my God!

441. His second word was me!

442. "Mommy."

443. Oh, I love you, Stewie!

444. Ooh, ooh. Say that again for Instagram.

445. Well, well, I guess he doesn't feel like it anymore.

446. - Mommy! - Ah!

447. Say it again! Say "Mommy" again for Instagram.

448. All right.

449. I tried.

450. Mommy!

451. !

452. Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal

453. that your second word was "Mommy."

454. Makes me think you don't want to kill her

455. and maybe you love her.

456. No, no, no. No, no, no.

457. No, no, that's what I wanted you to think.

458. - What are you talking about? - Yeah.

459. I scammed you, man.

460. Took you for a ride, Jack.

461. You thought you were a big wheel

462. till you found out squares don't roll, man.

463. Dig this, hep cat.

464. The Stew-man spun you round like a Bill Evans 45.

465. Wait, what's happening?

466. I'll tell you what's happening, Brian.

467. The whole family's becoming Jack Kerouac's insufferable friends.

468. No one wants us at their apartment party, ya dig?

469. Get hip to that, daddy, or skit-scat out of the house.

470. We don't know how to end these shows anymore,

471. so we just do nonsense.

472. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH