1. Subtitled by:
waqas. Zahoor89
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2. Coming this winter:
actors who don't look familiar
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3. in shows you're pretty sure
you've never heard of
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4. on networks you've
definitely never heard of.
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5. First, it's The Marriage Man
on Geego Audience Prime Plus.
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6. Then Frenemy on Goldstar.
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7. And don't forget The
J. Tory Hampton Show on Traxx.
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8. Lump Monkeys on Forge.
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9. Comeuppance on LFR America.
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10. Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids.
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11. And Snapchatters on Perspire.
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12. Who's watching them?
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13. Probably no one.
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14. Are they comedies or dramas?
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15. We're not even sure.
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16. Turn your office watercooler
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17. into a modern-day
Tower of Babel.
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18. - The Marriage Man!
- Frenemy! -Lump Monkeys!
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19. - Snapchatters!
- The J. Tory Hampton Show! -Lump Monkeys!
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20. Gay Paree!
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21. What a mess.
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22. Hi, everybody.
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23. You know how I've been dieting
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24. like a maniac
the last couple weeks?
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25. Aw, damn it, that means
we're having people over.
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26. We're having people over!
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27. I just got off the phone
with my mom,
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28. and all the Pewterschmidts are
coming here for Thanksgiving.
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29. I can't believe
you invited the whole family.
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30. You know I hate
big Thanksgivings.
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31. Don't worry, Peter,
it's gonna be fun.
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32. And I can handle
most of the prep myself.
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33. I just need you
to go to the market
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34. and get some extra napkins.
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35. - That's not so bad.
- Oh. Pick up some wine for the adults.
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36. - I can do that.
- A-And put the extra leaf in the dining room table.
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37. Oh, stop it.
It's so simple.
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38. Yeah, right. That table
ain't been opened in five years.
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39. It'll be fine. Just don't drink
while you do it.
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40. And for God's sake, don't lose
your temper with Chris.
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41. All right, one, two, three.
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42. Hup!
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43. One more time.
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44. Hup!
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45. Okay, all right, bend the knees.
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46. Let's give it a good pull.
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47. Hup!
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48. Yeah, I think one side is stuck.
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49. Do you, son?
Okay, on three.
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50. One, two, three.
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51. Hup!
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52. Hup! Hup!
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53. Hup! Hup! Hup!
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54. I think it's still stuck.
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55. Oh, is that right?
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56. Lot of narration.
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57. It's like opening a table
with Ken Burns.
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58. Um, why don't you go easy
on that stuff?
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59. This "stuff" is
the only thing stopping you
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60. from getting
so karate-chopped right now.
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61. Okay, big pull, on three.
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62. All right, one, two, three.
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63. Hup!
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64. It's this one side,
it's just stuck.
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65. I know it's stuck!
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66. Everyone sees it's stuck!
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67. Are there voices you're hearing
shouting, "It's not stuck"?
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68. 'Cause if you hear any argument
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69. from anybody who says
it isn't stuck,
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70. you send them to me, and I will
so karate-chop them in the face!
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71. Got it?
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72. I'm not sure that that's...
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73. What?
What aren't you sure about?
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74. Hup!
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75. Hup! Hup! Hup!
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76. Hey, Chris. Table looks stuck.
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77. Oh, really?
"Sky blue," says star witness.
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78. You know what's crazy
about this time of year?
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79. Everything is pumpkin spice.
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80. We all follow
your Twitter feed, Joe.
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81. God, Thanksgiving
is such a pain in the ass.
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82. I hate hosting.
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83. I hear you, Peter.
I hate Thanksgiving, too.
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84. Bonnie's sister is married
to a real show-off.
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85. Denise, Wendell,
it's great to see you.
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86. - Wendell.
- Joseph.
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87. It's just Joe.
I think you know that.
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88. My Thanksgiving's
also a nightmare.
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89. Donna's cousins are two-thirds
of Tony! Toni! Toné!
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90. - Which ones?
- The "E" and the "I."
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91. Aw, no Tony with a "Y."
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92. That is correct.
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93. We lack the alpha Tony.
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94. Well, at least you guys
celebrate with your families.
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95. Last year I spent Thanksgiving
with my old blow-up sex dolls.
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96. Here you go, Carla.
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97. See? We can do
other things together.
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98. How's the turkey?
I made it myself.
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99. Oh, don't look so surprised.
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100. Ah. Someone's getting sleepy.
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101. Must be the tryptophan.
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102. I'll put a pot of coffee on.
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103. Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee?
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104. Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee?
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105. Dad, coffee?
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106. I wish I had given you
more siblings, Glenn.
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107. You know, sometimes I envy
the guys in the town jail.
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108. They get a turkey dinner
on Quahog
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109. and don't have the hassle
of hosting their families.
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110. Well, yeah,
but they're in prison.
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111. Nah, jail isn't prison.
Prison is big and scary.
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112. Jail is just a sleeping deputy
with keys that can be grabbed
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113. by a long broom handle
or a mischievous dog.
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114. Do black people ever go to jail?
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115. No. They go to prison.
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116. Well, maybe going to jail
is what we should do.
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117. - Peter, that's ridiculous.
- H-H-Hear me out, hear me out.
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118. We'll commit a small crime
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119. and get put in jail
for a couple days.
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120. - That's insane!
- Peter, Peter, you're crazy!
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121. - Ridiculous! - Unconscionable!
- Lump Monkeys!
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122. - Have you lost your mind?
- That's crazy! - Lump Monkeys!
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123. All right, Joe,
there's chaos at the top.
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124. Time to step up
and be the leader
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125. - of this group of friends.
- Lump Monkeys!
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126. Guys, what if we all go
to Vermont?
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127. Let's just do Peter's thing.
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128. Okay, if we want to
get arrested,
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129. the best way to do it is
to get caught on the Ring app
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130. stealing people's packages.
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131. I forgot to steal the package.
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132. I think this is probably enough.
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133. I don't know exactly
what this is,
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134. but this... this is crime.
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135. Swanson!
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136. Police Superintendent Chalmers.
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137. My brother is superintendent
of the schools in Springfield.
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138. Our parents divorced
when we were very young.
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139. I was raised entirely
by our mother,
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140. he by our father.
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141. We've never met.
There's a lot of backstory.
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142. And you four are under arrest.
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143. I can't believe the plan worked.
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144. Here we are, the city jail.
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145. What's going on?
Why aren't we stopping?
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146. You guys think you're the
first ones to have this idea?
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147. The jail's already full of dads
getting out of Thanksgiving.
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148. Well, if we're not going
to Quahog jail,
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149. where are we going?
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150. The only place where
there's room for the weekend:
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151. the state penitentiary.
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152. You guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
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153. Wacky mug shot montage.
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154. Hey, uh, are my friends coming?
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155. No, they're all calling lawyers.
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156. You used your one call on
this party photo booth guy.
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157. Eh, we'll see who has
more fun this weekend.
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158. Yeah, it just doesn't
seem right.
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159. We're in here,
and everyone on Wall Street
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160. is free as a bird.
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161. Joe, now is not the time for
your bland political musings.
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162. This sucks. The courts are
closed for Thanksgiving,
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163. which means we can't even
go before a judge till Monday.
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164. That's five whole days here.
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165. What the hell are we gonna do?
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166. Well, if we're congress,
we'll do nothing.
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167. All right, that one was sharp.
Good job, Joe.
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168. And you know, maybe-maybe prison
won't be so bad.
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169. Maybe we just got to
make the best of it.
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170. Like those guys
over there. Look.
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171. They're playing leapfrog.
No one's jumping, though.
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172. And that guy in the back
definitely has to get up higher.
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173. Who taught these guys
how to play?
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174. Peter, please stop watching it.
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175. Guys, I think we're
in trouble here.
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176. Come on, we're gonna be fine.
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177. Joe, you should be
more terrified than any of us.
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178. What if someone figures out
you're a cop?
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179. It's not gonna happen.
I spent years undercover.
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180. I'm a master of disguise.
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181. What? You're in a wheelchair.
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182. You can't disguise yourself
as anything.
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183. Is that so, Dad?
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184. Chris? But that's impossible.
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185. I've seen Chris standing up
many times.
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186. Have you?
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187. Hey, Chris, I got two tickets
for the Sox.
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188. - Want to go?
- You got it, Dad.
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189. Oh, charley horse.
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190. Oh, another charley horse, huh?
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191. Well, you sit tight, Chris.
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192. I can just take Joe's
brother-in-law Wendell.
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193. Christopher.
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194. It's just Chris.
I think you know that.
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195. The conjugal visit room
is being used.
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196. So, does your foot reach?
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197. Peter, enough.
You ruined Thanksgiving.
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198. I have to host 20 people
by myself.
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199. - You smoke now?
- Yeah.
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200. I have a husband in prison.
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201. That's who smokes, genius.
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202. Stewie, why do you look like
1976 Elton John?
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203. I'm trying to keep
a low profile.
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204. You know that old sitcom premise
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205. where the kid has
two dates to the prom?
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206. Well, I, um...
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207. I may sorta, kinda be engaged
to four prisoners.
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208. You're what?
Stewie, that's crazy.
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209. Oh, relax, Brian,
I'm just humoring them.
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210. It's not serious.
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211. Stewie, don't forget,
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212. we're meeting DJs tomorrow.
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213. Sure thing, Clint.
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214. His mother thinks
it's her wedding.
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215. But we'll see.
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216. How did you even meet
these guys?
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217. Easily.
They were my pen pals.
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218. You have prison pen pals?
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219. Yes. A lot of people
write prisoners.
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220. Even Hollywood celebrity
Kal Penn.
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221. Kal Penn writes a prisoner?
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222. Yeah. Ken.
Lives in California.
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223. You've never heard of
Kal Penn's pen pal Ken
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224. in the Cal pen?
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225. How could I possibly
have heard of Kal Penn's
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226. pen pal Ken in the Cal pen?
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227. Through this song.
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228. - Who was that for?
- What are you talking about?
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229. Phil Spector's in this prison.
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230. Kid, I know talent and shooting
waitresses in the mouth,
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231. and you've got talent.
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232. We're gonna make a record.
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233. God, every crevice
of this prison is terrifying.
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234. Eh, it's not so bad.
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235. I made one-eye contact
with Bill Cosby.
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236. Well, well, well.
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237. Three "wells" is never
a good sign.
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238. - I think you guys have our lunches.
- Called it.
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239. Uh, sorry, sir.
We don't want any trouble.
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240. Yeah, we-we'll sit
somewhere else.
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241. Come on, guys,
let's avoid confrontation.
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242. And whatever happens,
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243. let's make sure
we're not goaded into fights
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244. by simple playground taunts.
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245. Damn.
I was hoping for chicken.
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246. Nobody calls me chicken.
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247. Peter, no!
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248. Aw, damn it,
I lost a front tooth.
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249. Well, hopefully
in the prison yearbook
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250. I'll just look
like a cute kindergartner.
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251. I'm starving.
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252. We haven't eaten
since we got here.
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253. That's 'cause other prisoners
keep taking our meals.
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254. And God knows what else
they're gonna do to us.
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255. We have three more days here,
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256. and we're not gonna survive
three more minutes.
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257. That's 'cause
you don't have a gang
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258. - to protect you.
- A gang?
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259. Yeah, when you're in a gang,
no one will mess with you.
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260. That's why everyone joins one.
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261. I used to be in a gang.
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262. It was called
the Republican party.
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263. Our friend is very political.
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264. So, how do we get
into one of these gangs?
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265. Actually, you guys showed up
at the perfect time.
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266. Tomorrow is the start
of Prison Rush Week.
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267. Get in one,
and you're home free.
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268. That's a great idea!
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269. Let's celebrate by pretentiously
analyzing some prison wine.
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270. Okay, I'm getting notes
of, um...
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271. uh, well, feces.
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272. Man, getting in a gang
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273. is gonna be harder
than I thought.
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274. Speak for yourself, Peter.
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275. What gang is this?
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276. We're the Not Cops.
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277. We're all definitely not cops.
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278. So you think firemen are cool?
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279. Firemen cook spaghetti.
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280. And I think y'all know
who I joined.
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281. Are you now
Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland?
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282. I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland.
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283. Hey, you know Muslims
can't drink alcohol, right?
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284. I am Cleveland
"Hurricane" Carter.
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285. Well, Quagmire,
guess it's just you and me now.
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286. Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13.
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287. - What? How?
- It was easy.
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288. - I said I was loco.
- Loco!
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289. - Si.
- Muy loco.
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290. Well, I can be loco.
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291. I have a teardrop tattoo
on my cheek.
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292. Where? I don't see it.
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293. Not-not that cheek.
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294. Peter, that's
an unwiped watermelon seed.
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295. - Loco?
- No. No loco.
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296. Hey, Peter,
is that your baby over there?
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297. We want fun. We want upbeat.
And for our dance,
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298. we want "You Belong with Me"
by Taylor Swift.
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299. Great, great. I also have
some more classic options,
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300. - like "At Last."
- Okay.
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301. So... so, what I need
is someone I can work with.
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302. Can you be that person?
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303. There you guys are.
I haven't seen you all day.
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304. Me and the Not Cops
were watching Die Hard
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305. and not commenting
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306. on the believability
of the police work.
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307. Could John McClane
really foil a giant heist
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308. outside his jurisdiction,
then just walk away
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309. and do zero paperwork?
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310. We don't know or care,
'cause we're not cops.
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311. And I got my law degree.
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312. I am now
Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel,
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313. and I will be wearing
wine-colored suits.
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314. - You look crazy.
- Well, in his defense,
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315. the movie was set in the '70s,
wasn't it?
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316. No, it's modern-day.
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317. Oh, my stars.
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318. All right, everyone,
that's lanch.
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319. I mean, lunch.
Sorry, it's my first day.
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320. This sucks.
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321. Everyone's eating lanch but me.
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322. I'm never gonna find a gang.
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323. Hey. You look like
you could use a friend.
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324. Well, let's just say in prison,
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325. this guy comes off.
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326. I meant my gang.
We're looking for members.
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327. - I-I bet you'd fit right in.
- Really?
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328. You only have to do
one thing first.
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329. As the new white guy in prison,
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330. you have to shiv
the new black guy.
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331. Oh, you guys
are that kind of gang.
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332. This is prison.
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333. No one survives on their own.
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334. So it's either him or you.
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335. Man, I don't want
to hurt Cleveland.
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336. But I don't want to die.
And it would be nice
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337. to have people to go
to Smash Mouth concerts with.
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338. Wait, you guys go
to Smash Mouth concerts, right?
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339. We're Nazis, Peter.
We like Smash Mouth.
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340. Come on, there's got to be a way
you'll let me in the gang
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341. without shivving Cleveland.
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342. Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
There was this prison movie,
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343. and-and there was this guy
who wanted to win over
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344. the other prisoners,
and you know what he did?
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345. He ate seven eggs.
It was amazing.
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346. So, you bring me seven
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347. or some other reasonable amount
of eggs...
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348. Peter, I know it's 50 eggs.
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349. Ah, you're a film buff.
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350. Yeah. Before this, I was
in the USC directors program.
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351. Well, if you can call it that.
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352. You think you're learning
about film,
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353. but, really, you're getting
a degree in politics.
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354. I know,
everything is so political.
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355. So political.
Best advice I ever got:
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356. whatever business
you think you work in,
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357. you really work in sales.
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358. Because you're
always selling yourself.
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359. Yeah, wow, that is...
that is good.
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360. - You are smart.
- Well, I didn't say it.
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361. - I'm just repeating it.
- Well, still,
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362. y-you recognized its value.
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363. That-That's not nothing.
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364. Well, we're so happy
you're all here.
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365. We thought it might be fun
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366. to kick things off
with a game of Heads Up!
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367. - Daddy, do you want to start?
- No.
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368. You just hold this up
to your head,
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369. and then we're gonna give you
clues to help you guess it.
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370. I only like games with sticks.
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371. Okay, ready?
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372. Go.
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373. Okay. It's a show.
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374. Annie Get Your Gun.
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375. No, it's on TV.
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376. Oh. Poirot?
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377. What is that?
I've never heard of that.
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378. Uh, it's a Belgian detective
on PBS.
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379. We just love it.
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380. It's about seven castaways.
There's a professor
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381. a-and a millionaire
a-and a movie star.
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382. - Poirot!
- No.
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383. We already said it's not Poirot.
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384. It's about people who took
a three-hour tour.
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385. No, it's not.
It's about a Belgian detective.
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386. It's on PBS.
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387. The title character is played
by Bob Denver.
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388. - It's pronounced "David Suchet."
- Who's that?
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389. - I'm gonna guess Poirot.
- It's not Poirot!
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390. Damn it, just pass!
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391. Okay, this is a movie...
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392. Roman J. Israel, Esq.
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393. Yay!
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394. Come on, Peter, it's him or you.
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395. And-and he's not so great.
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396. Don't forget,
he's the one who told you
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397. all those Schoolhouse Rock!
spoilers.
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398. I had no idea
that bill would become a law.
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399. Sorry, Peter.
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400. My gang said
I wasn't really loco
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401. unless I shivved someone,
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402. and you're the one guy
without gang protection, so...
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403. Sorry, Quagmire.
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404. As a Not Cop, I have to shiv
a guy in the Latin gang
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405. and then blame it on Cleve...
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406. No one made me do this.
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407. I'm just sick
of your overt racism.
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408. Guys, guys, stop.
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409. Stop. Look at us.
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410. We're shivving each other
on Thanksgiving.
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411. Oh, wait,
no one shivved Cleveland.
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412. But what are we doing?
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413. What are all of us doing?
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414. Fighting in here
amongst ourselves
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415. while Brooks is out there
waiting for all of us,
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416. bagging groceries,
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417. adapting to this new world
seamlessly...
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418. Brooks hung himself.
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419. Oh, my stars.
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420. The point is, in life,
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421. you need to be thankful
for what you have.
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422. I wasn't, and it got me in here.
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423. I let down my family,
especially my wife.
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424. I just wish she was here
so I could tell her I'm sorry.
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425. I am here, Peter.
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426. Not now, prison ladyboy
who talks like my wife
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427. to please me sexually.
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428. No, Peter, we're here.
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429. Lois! What are you doing here?
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430. I thought you were having
Thanksgiving with your parents.
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431. Chris got caught
watching cousin Katie pee,
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432. so that kind of ended things.
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433. Well, I wanted to get caught.
That's...
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434. It's part of it.
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435. And the truth is, Peter,
we're not a family without you.
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436. Can you ever forgive me?
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437. Of course I can, Peter.
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438. Hi, Peter.
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439. Who's your little friend?
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440. Not now, Prison Lois.
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441. So it's over?
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442. And what was Venice?
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443. Same thing it always was, babe:
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444. a dream
we both wanted to believe.
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445. Peter, who was that?
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446. Not now, Front-Sex Lois.
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447. The important thing is,
my days of selfishness
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448. and red-wig twinks are over.
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449. I'm ready to come home with you.
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450. But, Peter,
you're in here till next week.
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451. Not anymore.
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452. Hi, I'm the warden
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453. and definitely not
a psychotic prisoner
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454. who just stabbed the warden
and stole his clothes.
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455. Shh, shh!
Everyone, the warden's talking.
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456. By the rules of prison
and The Love Boat,
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457. you've made up,
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458. which means you get to leave
wiser and happier.
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459. I love you, Lois.
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460. I love you, Peter.
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461. Hey, Lois, one day,
let's go to Venice.
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462. You promise?
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463. I said it, didn't I?
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464. Donna!
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465. Bonnie!
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466. Sex doll!
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467. Oh, yeah!
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468. All right, guys, settle down.
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469. Well, we're certainly glad
to have you home, Peter,
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470. but I hope
you learned your lesson.
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471. I learned a hard lesson, Lois.
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472. But it's not all bad.
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473. I got to make a license plate
for our car
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474. that says "butthole."
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475. Isn't that too many letters?
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476. Excellent question, Chris,
and yes, it is.
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477. But I took off a "T"
and the "E" at the end.
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478. I felt
that was the right way to go.
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479. Trust me, people will get it.
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480. What's buthol?
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481. That's not how you say it.
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482. Yeah, I've heard of buthol.
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483. It's some kind
of alternative fuel.
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484. You're ruining a smart joke.
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485. Ladies and gentlemen,
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486. please welcome,
for the first time,
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487. Mr. and Mrs. Clint Beltran!
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488. Hey!
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489. You were right.
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490. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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