1. It seems today that all you see
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2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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3. But where are those
Good old-fashioned values
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4. On which we used to rely?
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5. Lucky there's a family guy
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6. Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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7. All the things that make us
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8. Laugh and cry!
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9. He's a Family Guy!
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10. Coming this winter:
actors who don't look familiar
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11. in shows you're pretty sure
you've never heard of
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12. on networks you've definitely
never heard of.
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13. First, it's The Marriage Man
on Geego Audience Prime Plus.
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14. Then Frenemy on Goldstar.
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15. And don't forget
The J. Tory Hampton Show on Traxx.
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16. Lump Monkeys on Forge.
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17. Comeuppance on LFR America.
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18. Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids.
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19. And Snapchatters on Perspire.
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20. Who's watching them? Probably no one.
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21. Are they comedies or dramas?
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22. We're not even sure.
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23. Turn your office watercooler
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24. into a modern-day Tower of Babel.
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25. - The Marriage Man!
- Frenemy!
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26. - Lump Monkeys!
- Snapchatters!
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27. - The J. Tory Hampton Show!
- Lump Monkeys!
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28. Gay Paree!
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29. TV, what a mess.
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30. Hi, everybody.
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31. You know how I've been dieting
like a maniac the last couple weeks?
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32. Aw, damn it, that means
we're having people over.
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33. We're having people over!
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34. I just got off the phone with my mom,
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35. and all the Pewterschmidts
are coming here for Thanksgiving.
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36. I can't believe
you invited the whole family.
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37. You know I hate big Thanksgivings.
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38. Don't worry, Peter, it's gonna be fun.
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39. And I can handle most of the prep myself.
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40. I just need you to go to the market
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41. and get some extra napkins.
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42. - That's not so bad.
- Oh. Pick up some wine for the adults.
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43. I can do that.
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44. And put the extra leaf
in the dining room table.
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45. Oh, stop it. It's so simple.
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46. Yeah, right. That table
ain't been opened in five years.
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47. It'll be fine.
Just don't drink while you do it.
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48. And for God's sake,
don't lose your temper with Chris.
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49. All right, one, two, three.
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50. Hup!
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51. One more time.
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52. Hup!
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53. Okay, all right, bend the knees.
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54. Let's give it a good pull.
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55. Hup!
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56. Yeah, I think one side is stuck.
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57. Do you, son?
Okay, on three.
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58. One, two, three.
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59. Hup!
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60. Hup! Hup!
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61. Hup! Hup! Hup!
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62. I think it's still stuck.
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63. Oh, is that right?
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64. Lot of narration.
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65. It's like opening a table with Ken Burns.
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66. Um, why don't you go easy on that stuff?
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67. This "stuff" is the only thing
stopping you
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68. from getting so karate-chopped right now.
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69. Okay, big pull, on three.
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70. All right, one, two, three. Hup!
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71. It's this one side, it's just stuck.
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72. I know it's stuck!
Everyone sees it's stuck!
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73. Are there voices you're hearing shouting,
"It's not stuck"?
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74. 'Cause if you hear any argument
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75. from anybody who says it isn't stuck,
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76. you send them to me, and I will
so karate-chop them in the face!
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77. Got it?
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78. I'm not sure that that's…
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79. What?
What aren't you sure about?
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80. Hup!
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81. Hup! Hup! Hup!
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82. Hey, Chris. Table looks stuck.
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83. Oh, really?
"Sky blue," says star witness.
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84. You know what's crazy
about this time of year?
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85. Everything is pumpkin spice.
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86. We all follow your Twitter feed, Joe.
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87. God, Thanksgiving
is such a pain in the ass.
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88. I hate hosting.
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89. I hear you, Peter.
I hate Thanksgiving, too.
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90. Bonnie's sister is married
to a real show-off.
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91. Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
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92. - Wendell.
- Joseph.
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93. It's just Joe. I think you know that.
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94. My Thanksgiving's also a nightmare.
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95. Donna's cousins are two-thirds
of Tony! Toni! Toné!
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96. - Which ones?
- The "E" and the "I."
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97. Aw, no Tony with a "Y."
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98. That is correct.
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99. We lack the alpha Tony.
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100. Well, at least you guys
celebrate with your families.
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101. Last year I spent Thanksgiving
with my old blow-up sex dolls.
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102. Here you go, Carla.
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103. See?
We can do other things together.
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104. How's the turkey?
I made it myself.
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105. Oh, don't look so surprised.
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106. Ah. Someone's getting sleepy.
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107. Must be the tryptophan.
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108. I'll put a pot of coffee on.
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109. Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee?
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110. Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee?
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111. Dad, coffee?
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112. I wish I had given you
more siblings, Glenn.
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113. You know, sometimes I envy
the guys in the town jail.
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114. They get a turkey dinner on Quahog
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115. and don't have the hassle
of hosting their families.
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116. Well, yeah, but they're in prison.
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117. Nah, jail isn't prison.
Prison is big and scary.
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118. Jail is just a sleeping deputy
with keys that can be grabbed
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119. by a long broom handle
or a mischievous dog.
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120. Do black people ever go to jail?
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121. No. They go to prison.
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122. Well, maybe going to jail
is what we should do.
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123. - Peter, that's ridiculous.
- Hear me out, hear me out.
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124. We'll commit a small crime
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125. and get put in jail for a couple days.
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126. - That's insane!
- Peter, Peter, you're crazy!
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127. - Ridiculous!
- Unconscionable!
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128. - Lump Monkeys!
- Have you lost your mind?
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129. - That's crazy!
- Lump Monkeys!
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130. All right, Joe, there's chaos at the top.
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131. Time to step up and be the leader
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132. - of this group of friends.
- Lump Monkeys!
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133. Guys, what if we all go to Vermont?
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134. Let's just do Peter's thing.
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135. Okay, if we want to get arrested,
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136. the best way to do it is
to get caught on the Ring app
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137. stealing people's packages.
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138. I forgot to steal the package.
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139. I think this is probably enough.
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140. I don't know exactly what this is,
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141. but this… This is crime.
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142. Swanson!
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143. Police Superintendent Chalmers.
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144. My brother is superintendent
of the schools in Springfield.
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145. Our parents divorced
when we were very young.
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146. I was raised entirely by our mother,
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147. he by our father.
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148. We've never met.
There's a lot of backstory.
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149. And you four are under arrest.
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150. I can't believe the plan worked.
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151. Here we are, the city jail.
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152. What's going on?
Why aren't we stopping?
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153. You guys think you're
the first ones to have this idea?
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154. The jail's already full of dads
getting out of Thanksgiving.
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155. Well, if we're not going to Quahog jail,
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156. where are we going?
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157. The only place where
there's room for the weekend:
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158. the state penitentiary.
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159. You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
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160. Wacky mug shot montage.
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161. Hey, uh, are my friends coming?
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162. No, they're all calling lawyers.
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163. You used your one call
on this party photo booth guy.
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164. Eh, we'll see who
has more fun this weekend.
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165. Yeah, it just doesn't seem right.
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166. We're in here, and everyone on Wall Street
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167. is free as a bird.
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168. Joe, now is not the time
for your bland political musings.
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169. This sucks.
The courts are closed for Thanksgiving,
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170. which means we can't even
go before a judge till Monday.
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171. That's five whole days here.
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172. What the hell are we gonna do?
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173. Well, if we're congress, we'll do nothing.
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174. All right, that one was sharp.
Good job, Joe.
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175. And you know, maybe-maybe prison
won't be so bad.
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176. Maybe we just got to make the best of it.
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177. Like those guys over there. Look.
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178. They're playing leapfrog.
No one's jumping, though.
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179. And that guy in the back
definitely has to get up higher.
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180. Who taught these guys how to play?
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181. Peter, please stop watching it.
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182. Guys, I think we're in trouble here.
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183. Come on, we're gonna be fine.
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184. Joe, you should be
more terrified than any of us.
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185. What if someone figures out you're a cop?
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186. It's not gonna happen.
I spent years undercover.
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187. I'm a master of disguise.
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188. What?
You're in a wheelchair.
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189. You can't disguise yourself as anything.
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190. Is that so, Dad?
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191. Chris? But that's impossible.
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192. I've seen Chris standing up many times.
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193. Have you?
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194. Hey, Chris, I got two tickets for the Sox.
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195. - Want to go?
- You got it, Dad.
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196. Oh, charley horse.
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197. Oh, another charley horse, huh?
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198. Well, you sit tight, Chris.
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199. I can just take Joe's
brother-in-law Wendell.
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200. Christopher.
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201. It's just Chris.
I think you know that.
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202. The conjugal visit room is being used.
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203. So, does your foot reach?
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204. Peter, enough.
You ruined Thanksgiving.
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205. I have to host 20 people by myself.
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206. - You smoke now?
- Yeah.
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207. I have a husband in prison.
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208. That's who smokes, genius.
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209. Stewie, why do you look like
1976 Elton John?
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210. I'm trying to keep a low profile.
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211. You know that old sitcom premise
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212. where the kid has two dates to the prom?
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213. Well, I, um…
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214. I may sorta, kinda
be engaged to four prisoners.
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215. You're what?
Stewie, that's crazy.
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216. Oh, relax, Brian, I'm just humoring them.
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217. It's not serious.
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218. Stewie, don't forget,
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219. we're meeting DJs tomorrow.
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220. Sure thing, Clint.
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221. His mother thinks it's her wedding.
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222. But we'll see.
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223. How did you even meet these guys?
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224. Easily.
They were my pen pals.
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225. You have prison pen pals?
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226. Yes. A lot of people write prisoners.
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227. Even Hollywood celebrity Kal Penn.
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228. Kal Penn writes a prisoner?
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229. Yeah. Ken. Lives in California.
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230. You've never heard
of Kal Penn's pen pal Ken
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231. in the Cal pen?
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232. How could I possibly
have heard of Kal Penn's
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233. pen pal Ken in the Cal pen?
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234. Through this song.
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235. Well, I do get a yen
Every now and then
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236. To pick up a pen, like my pal Kal Penn
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237. And a note I will send
Every now and again
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238. To my pal Big Ben
Who is locked in the pen
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239. 'Cause he beat up some men
And he got five to ten
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240. And he'll do it again
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241. Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah
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242. Kal Penn.
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243. - Who was that for?
- What are you talking about?
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244. Phil Spector's in this prison.
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245. Kid, I know talent and shooting
waitresses in the mouth,
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246. and you've got talent.
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247. We're gonna make a record.
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248. God, every crevice
of this prison is terrifying.
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249. Eh, it's not so bad.
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250. I made one-eye contact with Bill Cosby.
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251. Well, well, well.
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252. Three "wells" is never a good sign.
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253. - I think you guys have our lunches.
- Called it.
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254. Uh, sorry, sir.
We don't want any trouble.
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255. Yeah, we'll sit somewhere else.
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256. Come on, guys, let's avoid confrontation.
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257. And whatever happens,
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258. let's make sure
we're not goaded into fights
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259. by simple playground taunts.
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260. Damn.
I was hoping for chicken.
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261. Nobody calls me chicken.
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262. Peter, no!
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263. Aw, damn it, I lost a front tooth.
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264. Well, hopefully in the prison yearbook
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265. I'll just look like a cute kindergartner.
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266. I'm starving.
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267. We haven't eaten since we got here.
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268. That's 'cause other prisoners
keep taking our meals.
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269. And God knows what else
they're gonna do to us.
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270. We have three more days here,
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271. and we're not gonna survive
three more minutes.
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272. That's 'cause you don't have a gang
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273. - to protect you.
- A gang?
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274. Yeah, when you're in a gang,
no one will mess with you.
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275. That's why everyone joins one.
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276. I used to be in a gang.
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277. It was called the Republican party.
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278. Our friend is very political.
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279. So, how do we get
into one of these gangs?
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280. Actually, you guys showed up
at the perfect time.
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281. Tomorrow is the start of Prison Rush Week.
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282. Get in one, and you're home free.
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283. That's a great idea!
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284. Let's celebrate by pretentiously
analyzing some prison wine.
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285. Okay, I'm getting notes of, um…
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286. Uh, well, feces.
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287. Man, getting in a gang
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288. is gonna be harder than I thought.
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289. Speak for yourself, Peter.
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290. What gang is this?
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291. We're the Not Cops.
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292. We're all definitely not cops.
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293. So you think firemen are cool?
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294. Firemen cook spaghetti.
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295. And I think y'all know who I joined.
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296. Are you now Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland?
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297. I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland.
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298. Hey, you know Muslims
can't drink alcohol, right?
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299. I am Cleveland "Hurricane" Carter.
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300. Well, Quagmire,
guess it's just you and me now.
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301. Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13.
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302. - What? How?
- It was easy.
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303. - I said I was loco.
- Loco!
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304. - Si.
- Muy loco.
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305. Well, I can be loco.
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306. I have a teardrop tattoo on my cheek.
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307. Where? I don't see it.
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308. Not-not that cheek.
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309. Peter, that's an unwiped watermelon seed.
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310. - Loco?
- No. No loco.
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311. Hey, Peter, is that your baby over there?
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312. We want fun. We want upbeat.
And for our dance,
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313. we want "You Belong with Me"
by Taylor Swift.
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314. Great, great.
I also have some more classic options,
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315. - like "At Last."
- Okay.
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316. So… So, what I need
is someone I can work with.
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317. Can you be that person?
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318. There you guys are.
I haven't seen you all day.
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319. Me and the Not Cops
were watching Die Hard
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320. and not commenting
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321. on the believability of the police work.
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322. Could John McClane
really foil a giant heist
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323. outside his jurisdiction,
then just walk away
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324. and do zero paperwork?
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325. We don't know or care,
'cause we're not cops.
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326. And I got my law degree.
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327. I am now Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel,
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328. and I will be wearing wine-colored suits.
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329. - You look crazy.
- Well, in his defense,
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330. the movie was set in the '70s, wasn't it?
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331. No, it's modern-day.
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332. Oh, my stars.
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333. All right, everyone, that's lanch.
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334. I mean, lunch.
Sorry, it's my first day.
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335. This sucks.
Everyone's eating lanch but me.
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336. I'm never gonna find a gang.
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337. Hey.
You look like you could use a friend.
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338. Well, let's just say in prison,
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339. this guy comes off.
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340. I meant my gang.
We're looking for members.
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341. - I bet you'd fit right in.
- Really?
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342. You only have to do one thing first.
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343. As the new white guy in prison,
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344. you have to shiv the new black guy.
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345. Oh, you guys are that kind of gang.
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346. This is prison.
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347. No one survives on their own.
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348. So it's either him or you.
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349. Man, I don't want to hurt Cleveland.
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350. But I don't want to die.
And it would be nice
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351. to have people to go
to Smash Mouth concerts with.
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352. Wait, you guys go
to Smash Mouth concerts, right?
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353. We're Nazis, Peter.
We like Smash Mouth.
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354. Come on, there's got to be a way
you'll let me in the gang
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355. without shivving Cleveland.
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356. Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
There was this prison movie,
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357. and-and there was this guy
who wanted to win over
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358. the other prisoners,
and you know what he did?
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359. He ate seven eggs.
It was amazing.
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360. So, you bring me seven
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361. or some other reasonable amount of eggs…
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362. Peter, I know it's 50 eggs.
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363. Ah, you're a film buff.
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364. Yeah. Before this,
I was in the USC directors program.
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365. Well, if you can call it that.
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366. You think you're learning about film,
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367. but, really,
you're getting a degree in politics.
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368. I know, everything is so political.
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369. So political.
Best advice I ever got:
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370. whatever business you think you work in,
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371. you really work in sales.
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372. Because you're always selling yourself.
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373. Yeah, wow, that is… That is good.
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374. - You are smart.
- Well, I didn't say it.
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375. - I'm just repeating it.
- Well, still,
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376. you recognized its value.
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377. That-That's not nothing.
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378. Well, we're so happy you're all here.
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379. We thought it might be fun
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380. to kick things off
with a game of Heads Up!
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381. - Daddy, do you want to start?
- No.
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382. You just hold this up to your head,
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383. and then we're gonna give you
clues to help you guess it.
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384. I only like games with sticks.
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385. Okay, ready?
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386. Go.
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387. Okay. It's a show.
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388. Annie Get Your Gun.
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389. No, it's on TV.
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390. Oh. Poirot?
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391. What is that?
I've never heard of that.
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392. Uh, it's a Belgian detective on PBS.
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393. We just love it.
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394. It's about seven castaways.
There's a professor
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395. and a millionaire, and a movie star.
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396. - Poirot!
- No.
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397. We already said it's not Poirot.
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398. It's about people
who took a three-hour tour.
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399. No, it's not.
It's about a Belgian detective.
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400. It's on PBS.
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401. The title character
is played by Bob Denver.
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402. - It's pronounced "David Suchet."
- Who's that?
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403. - I'm gonna guess Poirot.
- It's not Poirot!
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404. Damn it, just pass!
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405. Okay, this is a movie…
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406. Roman J. Israel, Esq.
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407. Yay!
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408. Come on, Peter, it's him or you.
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409. And-and he's not so great.
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410. Don't forget, he's the one who told you
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411. all those Schoolhouse Rock! spoilers.
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412. I had no idea that bill
would become a law.
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413. Sorry, Peter.
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414. My gang said I wasn't really loco
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415. unless I shivved someone,
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416. and you're the one guy
without gang protection, so…
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417. Sorry, Quagmire.
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418. As a Not Cop,
I have to shiv a guy in the Latin gang
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419. and then blame it on Cleve…
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420. No one made me do this.
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421. I'm just sick of your overt racism.
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422. Guys, guys, stop.
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423. Stop. Look at us.
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424. We're shivving each other on Thanksgiving.
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425. Oh, wait, no one shivved Cleveland.
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426. But what are we doing?
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427. What are all of us doing?
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428. Fighting in here amongst ourselves
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429. while Brooks is out there
waiting for all of us,
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430. bagging groceries,
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431. adapting to this new world seamlessly…
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432. Brooks hung himself.
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433. Oh, my stars.
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434. The point is, in life,
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435. you need to be thankful for what you have.
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436. I wasn't, and it got me in here.
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437. I let down my family, especially my wife.
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438. I just wish she was here
so I could tell her I'm sorry.
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439. I am here, Peter.
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440. Not now, prison ladyboy
who talks like my wife
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441. to please me sexually.
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442. No, Peter, we're here.
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443. Lois! What are you doing here?
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444. I thought you were having
Thanksgiving with your parents.
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445. Chris got caught
watching cousin Katie pee,
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446. so that kind of ended things.
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447. Well, I wanted to get caught. That's…
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448. It's part of it.
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449. And the truth is, Peter,
we're not a family without you.
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450. Can you ever forgive me?
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451. Of course I can, Peter.
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452. Hi, Peter.
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453. Who's your little friend?
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454. Not now, Prison Lois.
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455. So it's over?
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456. And what was Venice?
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457. Same thing it always was, babe:
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458. a dream we both wanted to believe.
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459. Peter, who was that?
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460. Not now, Front-Sex Lois.
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461. The important thing is,
my days of selfishness
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462. and red-wig twinks are over.
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463. I'm ready to come home with you.
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464. But, Peter, you're in here till next week.
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465. Not anymore.
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466. Hi, I'm the warden
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467. and definitely not a psychotic prisoner
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468. who just stabbed the warden
and stole his clothes.
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469. Shh, shh!
Everyone, the warden's talking.
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470. By the rules of prison and The Love Boat,
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471. you've made up,
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472. which means you get to leave
wiser and happier.
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473. I love you, Lois.
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474. I love you, Peter.
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475. Hey, Lois, one day, let's go to Venice.
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476. You promise?
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477. I said it, didn't I?
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478. - Donna!
- Bonnie!
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479. Sex doll!
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480. Oh, yeah!
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481. All right, guys, settle down.
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482. Well, we're certainly glad
to have you home, Peter,
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483. but I hope you learned your lesson.
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484. I learned a hard lesson, Lois.
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485. But it's not all bad.
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486. I got to make a license plate for our car
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487. that says "butthole."
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488. Isn't that too many letters?
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489. Excellent question, Chris, and yes, it is.
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490. But I took off a "T" and the "E"
at the end.
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491. I felt that was the right way to go.
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492. Trust me, people will get it.
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493. What's buthol?
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494. That's not how you say it.
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495. Yeah, I've heard of buthol.
It's some kind of alternative fuel.
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496. You're ruining a smart joke.
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497. Ladies and gentlemen,
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498. please welcome, for the first time,
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499. Mr. and Mrs. Clint Beltran!
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500. At last…
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501. Hey!
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502. You were right.
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503. My love
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504. Has come along.
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