1. Coming this winter: actors
who don't look familiar
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2. in shows you're pretty sure
you've never heard of
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3. on networks you've
definitely never heard of.
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4. First, it's The Marriage Man
on Geego Audience Prime Plus.
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5. Then Frenemy on Goldstar.
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6. And don't forget The
J. Tory Hampton Show on Traxx.
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7. Lump Monkeys on Forge.
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8. Comeuppance on LFR America.
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9. Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids.
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10. And Snapchatters on Perspire.
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11. Who's watching them? Probably no one.
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12. Are they comedies or dramas?
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13. We're not even sure.
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14. Turn your office watercooler
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15. into a modern-day Tower of Babel.
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16. - The Marriage Man!
- Lump Monkeys!
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17. - The J. Tory Hampton Show!
- Lump Monkeys!
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18. Gay Paree!
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19. TV: What a mess.
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20. Hi, everybody.
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21. You know how I've been dieting
like a maniac the last couple weeks?
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22. Aw, damn it, that means
we're having people over.
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23. We're having people over!
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24. I just got off the phone with my mom,
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25. and all the Pewterschmidts are
coming here for Thanksgiving.
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26. I can't believe
you invited the whole family.
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27. You know I hate big Thanksgivings.
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28. Don't worry, Peter, it's gonna be fun.
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29. And I can handle
most of the prep myself.
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30. I just need you to go to the market
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31. and get some extra napkins.
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32. - That's not so bad.
- Oh. Pick up some wine for the adults.
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33. I can do that.
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34. A-And put the extra leaf
in the dining room table.
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35. Oh, stop it. It's so simple.
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36. Yeah, right. That table
ain't been opened in five years.
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37. It'll be fine. Just don't drink
while you do it.
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38. And for God's sake, don't lose
your temper with Chris.
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39. All right, one, two, three.
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40. Hup!
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41. One more time.
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42. Hup!
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43. Okay, all right, bend the knees.
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44. Let's give it a good pull.
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45. Hup!
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46. Yeah, I think one side is stuck.
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47. Do you, son? Okay, on three.
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48. One, two, three.
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49. Hup!
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50. Hup! Hup!
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51. Hup! Hup! Hup!
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52. I think it's still stuck.
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53. Oh, is that right?
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54. Lot of narration.
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55. It's like opening a table
with Ken Burns.
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56. Um, why don't you go easy on that stuff?
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57. This "stuff" is
the only thing stopping you
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58. from getting
so karate-chopped right now.
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59. Okay, big pull, on three.
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60. All right, one, two, three.
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61. Hup!
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62. It's this one side, it's just stuck.
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63. I know it's stuck!
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64. Everyone sees it's stuck!
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65. Are there voices you're hearing
shouting, "It's not stuck"?
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66. 'Cause if you hear any argument
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67. from anybody who says it isn't stuck,
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68. you send them to me, and I will
so karate-chop them in the face!
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69. Got it?
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70. I'm not sure that that's...
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71. What? What aren't you sure about?
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72. Hup!
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73. Hup! Hup! Hup!
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74. Hey, Chris. Table looks stuck.
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75. Oh, really?
"Sky blue," says star witness.
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76. You know what's crazy
about this time of year?
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77. Everything is pumpkin spice.
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78. We all follow your Twitter feed, Joe.
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79. God, Thanksgiving
is such a pain in the ass.
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80. I hate hosting.
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81. I hear you, Peter.
I hate Thanksgiving, too.
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82. Bonnie's sister is married
to a real show-off.
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83. Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
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84. - Wendell.
- Joseph.
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85. It's just Joe. I think you know that.
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86. My Thanksgiving's also a nightmare.
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87. Donna's cousins are two-thirds
of Tony! Toni! Toné!
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88. - Which ones?
- The "E" and the "I."
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89. Aw, no Tony with a "Y."
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90. That is correct.
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91. We lack the alpha Tony.
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92. Well, at least you guys
celebrate with your families.
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93. Last year I spent Thanksgiving
with my old blow-up sex dolls.
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94. Here you go, Carla.
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95. See? We can do other things together.
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96. How's the turkey? I made it myself.
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97. Oh, don't look so surprised.
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98. Ah. Someone's getting sleepy.
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99. Must be the tryptophan.
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100. I'll put a pot of coffee on.
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101. Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee?
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102. Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee?
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103. Dad, coffee?
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104. I wish I had given you
more siblings, Glenn.
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105. You know, sometimes I envy
the guys in the town jail.
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106. They get a turkey dinner on Quahog
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107. and don't have the hassle
of hosting their families.
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108. Well, yeah, but they're in prison.
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109. Nah, jail isn't prison.
Prison is big and scary.
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110. Jail is just a sleeping deputy
with keys that can be grabbed
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111. by a long broom handle
or a mischievous dog.
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112. Do black people ever go to jail?
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113. No. They go to prison.
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114. Well, maybe going to jail
is what we should do.
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115. - Peter, that's ridiculous.
- H-H-Hear me out, hear me out.
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116. We'll commit a small crime
and get put in jail for a couple days.
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117. - That's insane!
- Peter, Peter, you're crazy!
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118. - Ridiculous!
- Lump Monkeys!
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119. - Have you lost your mind?
- Lump Monkeys!
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120. All right, Joe,
there's chaos at the top.
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121. Time to step up and be the leader
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122. - of this group of friends.
- Lump Monkeys!
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123. Guys, what if we all go to Vermont?
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124. Let's just do Peter's thing.
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125. Okay, if we want to get arrested,
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126. the best way to do it is
to get caught on the Ring app
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127. stealing people's packages.
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128. I forgot to steal the package.
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129. I think this is probably enough.
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130. I don't know exactly what this is,
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131. but this... this is crime.
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132. Swanson!
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133. Police Superintendent Chalmers.
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134. My brother is superintendent
of the schools in Springfield.
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135. Our parents divorced
when we were very young.
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136. I was raised entirely by our mother,
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137. he by our father.
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138. We've never met.
There's a lot of backstory.
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139. And you four are under arrest.
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140. I can't believe the plan worked.
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141. Here we are, the city jail.
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142. What's going on? Why aren't we stopping?
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143. You guys think you're the
first ones to have this idea?
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144. The jail's already full of dads
getting out of Thanksgiving.
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145. Well, if we're not going to Quahog jail,
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146. where are we going?
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147. The only place where
there's room for the weekend:
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148. the state penitentiary.
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149. You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
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150. Wacky mug shot montage.
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151. Hey, uh, are my friends coming?
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152. No, they're all calling lawyers.
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153. You used your one call on
this party photo booth guy.
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154. Eh, we'll see who has
more fun this weekend.
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155. Yeah, it just doesn't seem right.
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156. We're in here,
and everyone on Wall Street
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157. is free as a bird.
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158. Joe, now is not the time for
your bland political musings.
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159. This sucks. The courts are
closed for Thanksgiving,
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160. which means we can't even
go before a judge till Monday.
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161. That's five whole days here.
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162. What the hell are we gonna do?
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163. Well, if we're congress,
we'll do nothing.
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164. All right, that one was sharp.
Good job, Joe.
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165. And you know, maybe-maybe prison
won't be so bad.
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166. Maybe we just got to
make the best of it.
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167. Like those guys over there. Look.
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168. They're playing leapfrog.
No one's jumping, though.
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169. And that guy in the back
definitely has to get up higher.
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170. Who taught these guys how to play?
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171. Peter, please stop watching it.
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172. Guys, I think we're in trouble here.
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173. Come on, we're gonna be fine.
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174. Joe, you should be
more terrified than any of us.
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175. What if someone figures out
you're a cop?
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176. It's not gonna happen.
I spent years undercover.
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177. I'm a master of disguise.
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178. What? You're in a wheelchair.
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179. You can't disguise yourself as anything.
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180. Is that so, Dad?
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181. Chris? But that's impossible.
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182. I've seen Chris standing up many times.
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183. Have you?
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184. Hey, Chris, I got two tickets
for the Sox.
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185. - Want to go?
- You got it, Dad.
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186. Oh, charley horse.
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187. Oh, another charley horse, huh?
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188. Well, you sit tight, Chris.
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189. I can just take Joe's
brother-in-law Wendell.
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190. Christopher.
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191. It's just Chris. I think you know that.
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192. The conjugal visit room is being used.
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193. So, does your foot reach?
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194. Peter, enough. You ruined Thanksgiving.
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195. I have to host 20 people by myself.
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196. - You smoke now?
- Yeah.
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197. I have a husband in prison.
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198. That's who smokes, genius.
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199. Stewie, why do you look like
1976 Elton John?
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200. I'm trying to keep a low profile.
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201. You know that old sitcom premise
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202. where the kid has two dates to the prom?
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203. Well, I, um...
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204. I may sorta, kinda be engaged
to four prisoners.
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205. You're what? Stewie, that's crazy.
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206. Oh, relax, Brian,
I'm just humoring them.
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207. It's not serious.
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208. Stewie, don't forget,
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209. we're meeting DJs tomorrow.
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210. Sure thing, Clint.
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211. His mother thinks it's her wedding.
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212. But we'll see.
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213. How did you even meet these guys?
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214. Easily. They were my pen pals.
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215. You have prison pen pals?
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216. Yes. A lot of people write prisoners.
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217. Even Hollywood celebrity Kal Penn.
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218. Kal Penn writes a prisoner?
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219. Yeah. Ken. Lives in California.
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220. You've never heard of
Kal Penn's pen pal Ken
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221. in the Cal pen?
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222. How could I possibly
have heard of Kal Penn's
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223. pen pal Ken in the Cal pen?
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224. Through this song.
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225. - Who was that for?
- What are you talking about?
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226. Phil Spector's in this prison.
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227. Kid, I know talent and shooting
waitresses in the mouth,
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228. and you've got talent.
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229. We're gonna make a record.
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230. God, every crevice
of this prison is terrifying.
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231. Eh, it's not so bad.
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232. I made one-eye contact with Bill Cosby.
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233. Well, well, well.
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234. Three "wells" is never a good sign.
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235. - I think you guys have our lunches.
- Called it.
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236. Uh, sorry, sir.
We don't want any trouble.
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237. Yeah, we-we'll sit somewhere else.
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238. Come on, guys,
let's avoid confrontation.
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239. And whatever happens,
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240. let's make sure
we're not goaded into fights
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241. by simple playground taunts.
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242. Damn. I was hoping for chicken.
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243. Nobody calls me chicken.
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244. Peter, no!
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245. Aw, damn it, I lost a front tooth.
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246. Well, hopefully in the prison yearbook
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247. I'll just look
like a cute kindergartner.
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248. Mad Dog, next time, I'm asking
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249. for the "top bunk".
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250. LOL. Love Pete.
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251. I'm starving.
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252. We haven't eaten since we got here.
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253. That's 'cause other prisoners
keep taking our meals.
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254. And God knows what else
they're gonna do to us.
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255. We have three more days here,
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256. and we're not gonna survive
three more minutes.
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257. That's 'cause you don't have a gang
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258. - to protect you.
- A gang?
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259. Yeah, when you're in a gang,
no one will mess with you.
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260. That's why everyone joins one.
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261. I used to be in a gang.
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262. It was called the Republican party.
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263. Our friend is very political.
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264. So, how do we get
into one of these gangs?
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265. Actually, you guys showed up
at the perfect time.
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266. Tomorrow is the start
of Prison Rush Week.
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267. Get in one, and you're home free.
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268. That's a great idea!
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269. Let's celebrate by pretentiously
analyzing some prison wine.
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270. Okay, I'm getting notes of, um...
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271. uh, well, feces.
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272. Man, getting in a gang
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273. is gonna be harder than I thought.
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274. Speak for yourself, Peter.
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275. What gang is this?
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276. We're the Not Cops.
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277. We're all definitely not cops.
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278. So you think firemen are cool?
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279. Firemen cook spaghetti.
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280. And I think y'all know who I joined.
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281. Are you now Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland?
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282. I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland.
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283. Hey, you know Muslims
can't drink alcohol, right?
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284. I am Cleveland "Hurricane" Carter.
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285. Well, Quagmire,
guess it's just you and me now.
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286. Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13.
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287. - What? How?
- It was easy.
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288. - I said I was loco.
- Loco!
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289. - Si.
- Muy loco.
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290. Well, I can be loco.
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291. I have a teardrop tattoo on my cheek.
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292. Where? I don't see it.
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293. Not-not that cheek.
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294. Peter, that's
an unwiped watermelon seed.
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295. - Loco?
- No. No loco.
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296. Hey, Peter,
is that your baby over there?
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297. We want fun. We want upbeat.
And for our dance,
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298. we want "You Belong with Me"
by Taylor Swift.
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299. Great, great. I also have
some more classic options,
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300. - like "At Last."
- Okay.
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301. So... so, what I need
is someone I can work with.
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302. Can you be that person?
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303. There you guys are.
I haven't seen you all day.
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304. Me and the Not Cops
were watching Die Hard
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305. and not commenting
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306. on the believability of the police work.
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307. Could John McClane
really foil a giant heist
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308. outside his jurisdiction,
then just walk away
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309. and do zero paperwork?
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310. We don't know or care,
'cause we're not cops.
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311. And I got my law degree.
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312. I am now Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel,
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313. and I will be wearing
wine-colored suits.
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314. - You look crazy.
- Well, in his defense,
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315. the movie was set in the '70s,
wasn't it?
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316. No, it's modern-day.
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317. Oh, my stars.
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318. All right, everyone, that's lanch.
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319. I mean, lunch. Sorry, it's my first day.
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320. This sucks.
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321. Everyone's eating lanch but me.
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322. I'm never gonna find a gang.
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323. Hey. You look like
you could use a friend.
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324. Well, let's just say in prison,
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325. this guy comes off.
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326. I meant my gang.
We're looking for members.
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327. - I-I bet you'd fit right in.
- Really?
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328. You only have to do one thing first.
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329. As the new white guy in prison,
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330. you have to shiv the new black guy.
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331. Oh, you guys are that kind of gang.
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332. This is prison.
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333. No one survives on their own.
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334. So it's either him or you.
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335. Man, I don't want to hurt Cleveland.
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336. But I don't want to die.
And it would be nice
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337. to have people to go
to Smash Mouth concerts with.
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338. Wait, you guys go
to Smash Mouth concerts, right?
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339. We're Nazis, Peter. We like Smash Mouth.
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340. Come on, there's got to be a way
you'll let me in the gang
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341. without shivving Cleveland.
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342. Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
There was this prison movie,
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343. and-and there was this guy
who wanted to win over
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344. the other prisoners,
and you know what he did?
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345. He ate seven eggs. It was amazing.
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346. So, you bring me seven
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347. or some other reasonable amount
of eggs...
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348. Peter, I know it's 50 eggs.
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349. Ah, you're a film buff.
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350. Yeah. Before this, I was
in the USC directors program.
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351. Well, if you can call it that.
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352. You think you're learning about film,
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353. but, really, you're getting
a degree in politics.
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354. I know,
everything is so political.
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355. So political. Best advice I ever got:
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356. whatever business you think you work in,
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357. you really work in sales.
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358. Because you're always selling yourself.
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359. Yeah, wow, that is... that is good.
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360. - You are smart.
- Well, I didn't say it.
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361. - I'm just repeating it.
- Well, still,
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362. y-you recognized its value.
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363. That-That's not nothing.
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364. Well, we're so happy you're all here.
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365. We thought it might be fun
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366. to kick things off
with a game of Heads Up!
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367. - Daddy, do you want to start?
- No.
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368. You just hold this up to your head,
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369. and then we're gonna give you
clues to help you guess it.
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370. I only like games with sticks.
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371. Okay, ready?
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372. Go.
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373. Okay. It's a show.
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374. Annie Get Your Gun.
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375. No, it's on TV.
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376. Oh. Poirot?
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377. What is that? I've never heard of that.
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378. Uh, it's a Belgian detective on PBS.
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379. We just love it.
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380. It's about seven castaways.
There's a professor
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381. a-and a millionaire a-and a movie star.
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382. - Poirot!
- No.
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383. We already said it's not Poirot.
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384. It's about people who took
a three-hour tour.
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385. No, it's not.
It's about a Belgian detective.
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386. It's on PBS.
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387. The title character is played
by Bob Denver.
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388. - It's pronounced "David Suchet."
- Who's that?
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389. - I'm gonna guess Poirot.
- It's not Poirot!
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390. Damn it, just pass!
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391. Okay, this is a movie...
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392. Roman J. Israel, Esq.
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393. Yay!
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394. Come on, Peter, it's him or you.
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395. And-and he's not so great.
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396. Don't forget, he's the one who told you
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397. all those Schoolhouse Rock! Spoilers.
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398. I had no idea
that bill would become a law.
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399. Sorry, Peter.
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400. My gang said I wasn't really loco
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401. unless I shivved someone,
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402. and you're the one guy
without gang protection, so...
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403. Sorry, Quagmire.
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404. As a Not Cop, I have to shiv
a guy in the Latin gang
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405. and then blame it on Cleve...
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406. No one made me do this.
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407. I'm just sick of your overt racism.
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408. Guys, guys, stop.
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409. Stop. Look at us.
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410. We're shivving each other
on Thanksgiving.
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411. Oh, wait, no one shivved Cleveland.
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412. But what are we doing?
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413. What are all of us doing?
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414. Fighting in here amongst ourselves
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415. while Brooks is out there
waiting for all of us,
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416. bagging groceries,
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417. adapting to this new world seamlessly...
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418. Brooks hung himself.
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419. Oh, my stars.
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420. The point is, in life,
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421. you need to be thankful
for what you have.
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422. I wasn't, and it got me in here.
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423. I let down my family,
especially my wife.
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424. I just wish she was here
so I could tell her I'm sorry.
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425. I am here, Peter.
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426. Not now, prison ladyboy
who talks like my wife
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427. to please me sexually.
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428. No, Peter, we're here.
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429. Lois! What are you doing here?
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430. I thought you were having
Thanksgiving with your parents.
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431. Chris got caught
watching cousin Katie pee,
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432. so that kind of ended things.
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433. Well, I wanted to get caught. That's...
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434. It's part of it.
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435. And the truth is, Peter,
we're not a family without you.
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436. Can you ever forgive me?
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437. Of course I can, Peter.
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438. - Hi, Peter.
- Who's your little friend?
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439. Not now, Prison Lois.
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440. So it's over?
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441. And what was Venice?
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442. Same thing it always was, babe:
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443. a dream we both wanted to believe.
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444. - Peter, who was that?
- Not now, Front-Sex Lois.
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445. The important thing is,
my days of selfishness
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446. and red-wig twinks are over.
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447. I'm ready to come home with you.
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448. But, Peter,
you're in here till next week.
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449. Not anymore.
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450. Hi, I'm the warden
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451. and definitely not a psychotic prisoner
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452. who just stabbed the warden
and stole his clothes.
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453. Shh, shh!
Everyone, the warden's talking.
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454. By the rules of prison
and The Love Boat,
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455. you've made up,
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456. which means you get to leave
wiser and happier.
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457. I love you, Lois.
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458. I love you, Peter.
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459. Hey, Lois, one day, let's go to Venice.
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460. - You promise?
- I said it, didn't I?
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461. Donna!
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462. - Bonnie!
- Sex doll!
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463. Oh, yeah!
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464. All right, guys, settle down.
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465. Well, we're certainly glad
to have you home, Peter,
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466. but I hope you learned your lesson.
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467. I learned a hard lesson, Lois.
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468. But it's not all bad.
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469. I got to make a license plate
for our car
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470. - that says "butthole."
- Isn't that too many letters?
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471. Excellent question, Chris,
and yes, it is.
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472. But I took off a "T"
and the "E" at the end.
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473. I felt that was the right way to go.
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474. Trust me, people will get it.
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475. What's buthol?
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476. - That's not how you say it.
- Yeah, I've heard of buthol.
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477. It's some kind of alternative fuel.
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478. You're ruining a smart joke.
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479. Ladies and gentlemen,
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480. please welcome, for the first time,
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481. Mr. and Mrs. Clint Beltran!
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482. Hey!
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483. You were right.
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