Family Guy 18x4

Directed by Greg Colton

Gary Newman as Gary Newman (voice) • Dana Walden as Dana Walden (voice) • Emily Towers as Focus Group Tester (voice) • Chris Parnell as Smarmy (voice) • Chris Regan as Focus Group Tester (voice)

The network decides that it's time to explore some unique ways to reboot the series. When three versions of the reboots are shown to a focus group, the feedback takes some surprising turns.

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1. It seems today that all you see

2. Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3. But where are those Good old-fashioned values

4. On which we used to rely?

5. Lucky there's a family guy

6. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

7. All the things that make us

8. Laugh and cry

9. He's a family guy!

10. Welcome, everyone. My name is Von Jiener,

11. and I'm Vice President of Creative Bankruptcy

12. for the Fox TV network,

13. which, at the time of this writing, is still a thing that exists.

14. Just from looking at your clothes and weight,

15. I can tell you all watch a lot of free network television.

16. - Am I right? - Mm-hm.

17. Excellent.

18. You have been selected to be part of a focus group

19. that could affect one of America's

20. most beloved television shows: Family Guy.

21. That woman looks exactly like me.

22. That's your reflection, Peter.

23. Oh.

24. I'm beautiful.

25. As you may or may not care, Family Guy is in its 17th season.

26. And since Fox is now owned by Disney,

27. which will someday be owned by Netflix,

28. which will someday be owned by Pornhub,

29. we have decided that Family Guy is ready for a reboot.

30. Reboot? I thought they said it was a couple of tweaks.

31. Yeah, we're supposed to trust these idiots?

32. That woman has her finger up her nose.

33. That's still your reflection, Peter.

34. Oh. She's beautiful.

35. Now, as most unfunny women will tell you,

36. women are very funny.

37. That's why our first reboot is built around

38. the very popular Louise.

39. - It's Lois. - Whatever. The mom.

40. This is our time

41. This is our moment

42. This is a short song for syndication

43. Lois!

44. Going to work, huh?

45. Yes, Joe, I'm going to work.

46. Great! More and more women are doing that.

47. Good morning, goddess. You know, I just want to say again

48. that you were totally right last night to bring up

49. that thing I did wrong 11 years ago.

50. And please feel free to bring it up again anytime,

51. even if we're talking about something completely unrelated.

52. Thank you, Peter, I will.

53. Oh, I… I know you will.

54. - Morning, Lois. - Hey, girl.

55. Oh, hello, gay couple who's constantly jogging.

56. What are you up to this morning?

57. Just adopting and pucker-kissing.

58. Yeah, we're network TV gay,

59. so all we can do is adopt children

60. and pucker-kiss, no tongue stuff.

61. - Isn't that right, sweetie? - Mwah!

62. Well, I'm off to my high-powered job

63. at a fashion magazine, greeting card company or winery.

64. I can't wait to see which.

65. Oh, yay! It's a winery!

66. Good morning, Judy Greer.

67. Morning, Lois. How was your night last night?

68. Great. I worked out, made dinner, a little family time,

69. and had Peter's ankles up in the air by 11:00.

70. God, I admire you.

71. That's what you're here for, Judy Greer.

72. Oh, I almost forgot.

73. Bert wants to see you in his office.

74. - Oh? What about? - He didn't say.

75. But it sounded hashtag serious.

76. Aw, meeting with the boss.

77. This is gonna be worse than finding a spider in the kitchen.

78. Oh, my God. Peter, there's a spider in here!

79. Yeah, I know, genius.

80. Hi, Lois.

81. I wanted to let you know

82. I'm considering you for a big promotion.

83. Really? That's amazing.

84. Well, the job's not yours yet.

85. It's between you and one other person,

86. Smarmy J. Tie-Straightener III.

87. I hit a gay jogger on my way to work today.

88. Sorry I only satisfied you twice tonight.

89. I found a pouch of Big League Chew earlier,

90. and my jaw is worn out.

91. You did great, Peter.

92. Good night, perfect.

93. Aw, I just don't know what to do about this thing at work.

94. I… Are we still talking about that?

95. I mean, it's fine if we are, we just…

96. We talked about it before dinner and…

97. And during dinner and after dinner.

98. No, you're right. I'll be fine.

99. Good night, Peter.

100. I just want this promotion so bad.

101. Okay, so we are talking about it.

102. You know what? I'll make a vision board.

103. See my success and be my success.

104. My testosterone is so low, I could not have thought of that.

105. Would you like me to put on our sleep ocean noises

106. with an occasional shocking seagull screech?

107. Yes, thanks. I have a big day tomorrow.

108. Good night.

109. Excuse me.

110. May I have your attention, please?

111. Now, I know you're all wondering

112. who is going to get the big promotion,

113. and I'm proud to announce

114. that person is Smarmy…

115. Excuse me, where do I put this briefcase full of money?

116. Uh, who are you?

117. I'm president of Wine and Paint Night Incorporated.

118. Lois Griffin just landed my account

119. through her wit, charm, and professionalism.

120. Is that so? Well, in that case,

121. the big promotion goes to Lois Griffin!

122. What can I say? I love my wife.

123. Eh, it's my show. Why shouldn't this be me?

124. 'Cause I'm the funny one.

125. Not on this show you're not.

126. Or am I?

127. Ah, I thought we had one more face.

128. So, what did you think?

129. And please keep in mind that your spontaneous comments

130. will affect the jobs of hundreds of people.

131. Come on, you idiots, don't screw me.

132. The show is from a woman's perspective,

133. but it still felt like it was written by a man.

134. Okay, well, what if I told you shut up?

135. Yeah, kind of changes things, doesn't it? Anyone else?

136. I'm sorry, I was scrolling through the weather in random cities.

137. Great! You're taking this very seriously.

138. You know what, I don't really get Family Guy.

139. What's so hard to get?

140. You just need to have grown up in the '80s but still be a teenager.

141. So, based on that one episode featuring Lois,

142. how many of you would likely watch a second?

143. Son of a bitch!

144. Anything else?

145. Huh, 76 in Santa Fe right now.

146. Hey, what's going on in that room?

147. It's a focus group of Arby's executives watching us eat.

148. - Oh! - No way!

149. - He ate it! - People will eat anything!

150. 50 bucks says the fat girl eats a third Big Beef 'n Cheddar.

151. - Who's on it? - Okay.

152. - I'll take that. - You got it.

153. - Oh, come on, buddy. - Don't do it.

154. Here she comes.

155. All right, kid, take your time.

156. - Yeah! - Gross!

157. Damn it!

158. Many recent shows have found success

159. by rebooting themselves as gritty supernatural teen dramas,

160. like Teen Wolf or Riverdale,

161. which are watched by as many as 6,000 people a year,

162. so we thought a similar approach might work for Family Guy.

163. I'm guessing we're wrong, but let's find out for sure.

164. Ooh, ooh…

165. Ooh, ooh…

166. It's a show for teens

167. A sexy show for teens

168. Something's not normal

169. But what does normal mean

170. In a world that's on fire?

171. Hey, Goldman, great job with sports today.

172. Thanks, Chris. We're almost ready for the important sports game.

173. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Ruth.

174. Good gender-fluid shower?

175. Great gender-fluid shower.

176. Dad, what are you doing here?

177. Putting my gender fluid in the shower.

178. Also, I'm the town sheriff,

179. but you don't find that out till later

180. because it's not relevant to the story.

181. Chris, there you are.

182. Patty, what's wrong? Why aren't you in bitch class?

183. It's your sister Meg.

184. She's dead.

185. I have to go.

186. Wait, where are you going?

187. I'm gonna go to a club I'm too young to get into

188. and listen to a band that's on a label

189. owned by the same parent company as the network.

190. Hey, who left their gender fluid in the shower?

191. Sexy rain

192. Sexy rain

193. So, what can I get for you sexy teens?

194. Um, how's the vegetarian lasagna?

195. Terrible, even at the best restaurants.

196. We'll have five of those.

197. It just doesn't make sense. Who would want to kill Meg?

198. Um, can we all be quiet?

199. We've been asked to nod our heads while the band plays

200. the song our parent company is aggressively marketing.

201. One of us is Richard Gere's kid

202. Ooh

203. One of us is Richard Gere's kid

204. Ooh

205. One of us is Richard Gere's kid

206. I can't even with this.

207. I'm gonna go get some air and pebble-up my nipples.

208. Interior club

209. Moments later

210. You guys, check it out.

211. Patty just got into the college for people with bright futures.

212. Oh, cool. Is she still gonna major in "lot to live for"?

213. Yep. I think she's the one kid

214. who's gonna get out of this sexy town.

215. - Patty? - I'll be right there.

216. I just have to drink a product-placement beverage first.

217. Peach Coke? Stop.

218. - Patty! - Where are you?

219. Patty, are you out here?

220. Patty?

221. Oh, I hope nothing happened

222. to the most disposable member of our cast.

223. Guys, look!

224. She's dead.

225. Boy, she… She did stiffen up those nips, didn't she?

226. Y'all ready for your lasagnas?

227. We're in the woods.

228. Guys, it's time to fire up our superpowers,

229. because we're also lesser-known Marvel characters.

230. And I'm your neighbor, who you didn't know

231. was also a superhero, Captain Pedantic.

232. Are you here to protect Zac and I?

233. Zac and me, but yeah.

234. Now is when you find out I'm the sheriff.

235. I'm laying

236. on a pinecone.

237. He means lying on a pinecone.

238. Now what happens?

239. Now one of us will become a breakout movie star

240. and leave the series, wrecking it for the rest of us.

241. Yay, it's me!

242. - Sir, what did you think? - Pass.

243. Okay. And how many of you would watch it

244. if the girls were wearing white shirts and black bras?

245. Peter, did you write the focus group questions?

246. What? Course not.

247. "And if you're impressed by the size

248. "of Alexander Skarsgard's penis, that doesn't make you gay, right?"

249. Answer him!

250. I know you've been here all day,

251. but it's not like you have jobs to go to,

252. so I'm going to show you one more reboot idea.

253. Which Wi-Fi should we be logging onto?

254. Glendale Galleria Public.

255. Yeah, that's what I've been trying.

256. Sometimes networks will cancel a show

257. only to reboot it with less-popular characters

258. from the original, while the more-popular actors go on

259. to find greater success in movies

260. or ugly public divorces.

261. On which we used to rely

262. Lucky there's a family guy

263. Lucky there's a man who positively can do

264. All the things that make us

265. He's a family guy!

266. Family Guy Again is filmed before a live studio audience.

267. I'll get it.

268. Hello? Oh, hey there, Stewie.

269. Or should I say, "G'day, mate,"

270. since you're in Queensland, Australia, where you moved

271. with Brian and Meg after Mom and Dad died?

272. Oh, married life is pretty good.

273. No, still no kids, but I've been practicing

274. a lot by myself.

275. Masturbating, yes.

276. Between you and me, I think Tricia might be barren.

277. Uh, Stewie, I better go. Tricia's giving me that look.

278. Okay, give my love to Brian and Meg,

279. and hopefully we can come down there for the season finale.

280. No? You're just not gonna be a part of this at all?

281. Okay, then. Bye, Stewie.

282. Chris, I'm standing here in the living room

283. because I need to talk to you about something very important.

284. Look, we've been through this.

285. It's my house, and I want to wear shoes in it.

286. Chris, I offer you a choice.

287. You can either continue wearing shoes in the house

288. or continue having sex

289. with this age-defying Eastern physique.

290. Chris, I'm lying here listening to you toss and turn,

291. and wondering if there's something you'd like to discuss.

292. I don't know. It's just, it's been so hard

293. since Mom and Dad died

294. and Joe moved in with all his big band records.

295. Joe!

296. Chris, I'm lying here

297. asking you to kick Joe out of the house.

298. What? He was my dad's best friend for 20 years.

299. I can't do that.

300. Chris, I offer you a choice.

301. Luckily, I'm the town windower.

302. For me, every day is a pane.

303. Can we please stop this?

304. Yes?

305. If I give you back my Diet Sprite, can I leave?

306. How did you feel about the show?

307. - I didn't like it. - Could you be more specific?

308. I just don't like the people or what they're saying or doing.

309. If you could sum up the show with one sound,

310. what would it be?

311. - "Blech." - For me, it was more like

312. the last squirt of a plastic mustard bottle.

313. Is that our mustard?

314. No. I always bring one with me in case the show is kind of…

315. Everybody, shut up!

316. Hey, it's that sheriff from The Q.

317. You people don't like anything.

318. Well, if you're all so smart,

319. what do you want to see in a Family Guy reboot?

320. Yes, unemployable neck tattoo guy.

321. It's a Bible verse.

322. Doesn't matter. Anything above the Adam's apple means drugs.

323. I like Netflix. Could you be Netflix?

324. Yeah, Netflix is awesome.

325. Of course it's awesome, it's Netflix.

326. Look, we're stuck being Fox. We have to deal with it, okay?

327. - I watch Fox. - No, you don't. Nobody does.

328. Yeah, I like shows that are binge-worthy.

329. First of all, "binge-worthy" is not a word,

330. it's a marketing tool.

331. You've been brainwashed, sir. But fine.

332. We'll make Family Guy binge-worthy.

333. See? Wasn't that terrible?

334. All right, we only have the room till 6:00, so what else?

335. It's not 6:00 yet! What else?

336. Young Sheldon is good. How about Young Family Guy?

337. How about I murder your whole family?

338. - What about BoJack Horseman? - Hard no.

339. - You'd get to be a horse. - Hard yes.

340. - Normal words, but a horse guy. - Can we please stop this?

341. You just asked for specifically that.

342. It's not 6:00! What else?

343. - I like that Antiques Roadshow. - Fine.

344. And you're saying this is…

345. George Washington's poop. That's correct.

346. I have some news you might not like.

347. The poop is only two weeks old.

348. What? How can you be sure?

349. Well, for starters, there's a Skittle in it.

350. Ah, the general had a sweet tooth, huh?

351. Um, that was horrible.

352. Eh, I'm gonna tweeze the Skittle out and go back in a week.

353. I like those Netflix stand-up specials.

354. Great. Matter of fact, we filmed one

355. back when I was an all-setup- no-punch-line comedian.

356. So, any of you out there have a futon?

357. Yeah, yeah, right?

358. I Ubered here tonight.

359. Man, Starbucks.

360. Facebook, huh?

361. And how about that new chip in credit cards?

362. Anybody ever been to Georgia?

363. The new iPhone is large.

364. EDM music.

365. Boo! You stink!

366. Yeah! Dane Cook already did all these halves of jokes.

367. Hey, hey, this is my job.

368. I don't go down to Burger King.

369. That was terrible.

370. Netflix should make 800 more of those.

371. All right, what else? What else you guys want?

372. I like that thing James Corden does:

373. - Carpool Karaoke. - I can do that.

374. Hi. You having a good night? I did.

375. Just had a devil's three-way.

376. You know, me and two guys.

377. I think that's just gay sex. Why are you telling me all this?

378. Isn't this Taxicab Confessions?

379. No, this is Carpool Karaoke.

380. We're about to sing an Adele song.

381. Oh, that's gay.

382. Pull over by this hot guy and let me out.

383. I thought I read you guys were phasing out gay jokes.

384. That quote was taken out of context and widely misunderstood.

385. All right, what's next, you sheep?

386. I like the Olympics. Can you guys be the Olympics?

387. Well, NBC hogs all the good sports,

388. so we'll get stuck with the boring ones

389. that the announcers always have to keep apologizing for.

390. Welcome back to pairs diving.

391. And once again, we are so sorry for this. Brian, anything to add?

392. No, just our deepest condolences to a bored nation.

393. And we've got Lois down at the pool.

394. - Lois, anything? - No. Guys, just so sorry

395. that any of this is happening.

396. I… I mean, even once every four years

397. seems like just way too much.

398. And they're up in the air, and now they're in the water.

399. What is it again? A splash is bad?

400. Uh, yeah, I think so.

401. That's so stupid.

402. I'm sick of all the voices on your show.

403. - Can you change them up? - To who?

404. I like Jon Benjamin voices.

405. Can you all be Jon Benjamin voices?

406. - Hey, Joe. - Hey, Peter.

407. Hey, Quagmire.

408. Hey, Cleveland. Giggity.

409. What can I get for you fellas?

410. Nobody touches my voice.

411. I liked all of that.

412. Um, except for the bartender.

413. Hey, guys, The Coffee Bean's Wi-Fi doesn't need a password.

414. Everyone, the reboot is off.

415. It turns out the executive who ordered it

416. was just a squirrel who snuck into the office.

417. - What? - Yes. But in fairness,

418. it was the same squirrel who green-lit Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

419. the show that challenged the notion

420. that only attractive people can be on television.

421. So, what does that mean?

422. It means Family Guy is just fine as it is.

423. Well, the Family Guy reboot is off.

424. What other ideas do we have?

425. Brooklyn Nine-Ten?

426. It's possible this guy only has one idea.

427. You know what, I'm glad, after all that,

428. they let us keep the show the way it was.

429. Well, not exactly the way it was.

430. Hey, buddy, I brought over my big band records.

431. - They wanted more Joe. - They wanted more Joe.

432. Your show should have more Joe Swanson.

433. Your show should have more Joe Swanson.