Family Guy 18x16

Directed by John Holmquist

Jeff Cesario as (voice) • Bryan Cranston as Bert / Judge (voice) • Steve Callaghan as Audience Member (voice) • Martha MacIsaac as Airport Announcer (voice) • Ross Marquand as Indiana Jones / Jesse Eisenberg (voice)

Peter's non-stop sweating becomes a liability at his company, so his boss tells him to work from home. Meanwhile, after Stewie and Chris cause thousands of dollars in damage to an electronics store, the two create a fake Kickstarter campaign with Brian to pay back the money.

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For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Family Guy 18x16 [10-11]; !req Family Guy 18x16 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Ah. Nothing like drive time radio

2. to remind me that I don't make enough

3. to afford satellite radio.

4. Hey-hey! You're listening to WQHG 97.1,

5. and we are Devin and Lawrence,

6. formerly known as Weenie and The Butt.

7. That's right, Devin.

8. Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women

9. came forward with allegations of sexual misconduct

10. against each of us.

11. De-De-De-Devin and Lawrence!

12. Rebranded to phase out Weenie and the Butt!

13. They got Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd!

14. Devin, Devin, Devin and Lawrence!

15. Court-ordered overcorrection!

16. Damn it, what's wrong with the AC?

17. And don't forget, Quahog is expected

18. to experience record-high temperatures this week,

19. according to our respected meteorologist

20. Dr. Jessica Sturgess.

21. Formerly known as Weather Girl Aah-Ooh-Gah Knockerson.

22. Sir, could you please roll down your window?

23. I can't. I spilled honey on it and it won't move.

24. Please just step out of the vehicle.

25. Sir, you were swerving back there.

26. Plus, you're drowning in sweat. Have you been drinking?

27. No. I don't start drinking till... until the drive home.

28. Why are you slurring your words?

29. Sorry, I had Cap'n Crunch for breakfast.

30. The roof of my mouth is in shreds.

31. I find that story relatable.

32. You're free to go.

33. Man, I can't believe that cop thought I was lying.

34. The only time I lie is when I play poker.

35. It's make-or-break time.

36. $75 million at stake.

37. Betting starts with Peter Griffin.

38. Ooh, he's not looking

39. at much of anything right now. And those mirrored sunglasses,

40. not doing him any favors.

41. All in.

42. Got to take this. It's my wife.

43. Are you here?

44. Okay, you two just hang out in the store

45. while I return this keyboard.

46. I'm going to watch the older boys play Fortnite,

47. because I'm not old enough to play Fortnite myself.

48. Hi. I'd like to return this keyboard.

49. Was there something wrong with it?

50. Well, it said it was designed for writers,

51. but when I sat down to work, it just wasn't flowing through me.

52. - Do you have a receipt? - Uh, no.

53. Can't you just look it up?

54. Do you have the credit card you used to pay for it?

55. I actually paid using store credit for another return.

56. Do you have the original packaging for the item?

57. No. No, that's

58. that's probably with the receipt.

59. Manager who's dishearteningly younger than me

60. to the service counter, please.

61. This better not be another overring.

62. Corpowate's gonna have my ass.

63. Well, we can probably throw out this sunflower butter

64. now that Stewie's classmate with the peanut allergy died.

65. Oh, there you are, Peter. Listen, I need you to...

66. Why are you so sweaty?

67. The AC in my car broke.

68. Not from the honey.

69. And fat-guy sweat is like a battleship.

70. Once it gets going, you can't just turn it around.

71. So until the weather cools off,

72. you're gonna be dealing with a slippery walrus.

73. Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a potential rival

74. to my beach supremacy.

75. Now?

76. No, let them tire themselves out.

77. Dad, what are we doing here?

78. Now that I sweat all the time,

79. it's just natural that I be a very sweaty bomb defuser.

80. Steady. You can do this.

81. All you gotta do is remember the song you learned in bomb school.

82. Now, who can tell me what he did wrong?

83. He made up a song about cutting wires?

84. He made up a song about cutting wires.

85. Don't do that, guys.

86. We now return to Indiana Jones

87. and the Temple Beth Shalom.

88. You must be Mr. Jones.

89. It's Dr. Jones.

90. Oh, a doctor.

91. You should meet my frumpy daughter.

92. Wow. What are you all dressed up for?

93. Well, thanks to my car's AC breaking,

94. I've been asked to be an overly sweaty Southern lawyer

95. during a landmark civil rights case.

96. Mr. Griffin, you may proceed.

97. May it please the court, Your Honor,

98. opposing counsel, members of the jury,

99. Madam Stenographer, Bailiff Clarence,

100. Snack Cart Steve,

101. elderly widows with paper fans,

102. woman in the third row with a flower hat,

103. Deputy Fife, Boo Radley,

104. Yay Radley, Herman Munster judge,

105. lazy dog who wandered in due to the heat,

106. crazed Al Pacino, old Robert Duvall,

107. young Robert Duvall, in-between Robert Duvall,

108. the books of John Grisham.

109. The defense rests.

110. We now return to Jesse Eisenberg

111. and Emma Stone in Opposite Eye Sizes.

112. Sorry, guys. All I have left

113. are one pair of extra-large contact lenses

114. and one pair of extra-small.

115. Uh, we'll be fine.

116. Well, I just got off the phone with the electronics store.

117. Your stupid fight caused $3,000 worth of damage.

118. Well, I'm not very good at math. Y-You lost me.

119. - A thousand dollars. - Wow!

120. - Another thousand dollars. - Oh, my goodness!

121. A third thousand dollars.

122. Now you lost me again.

123. I don't think Chris can count to three.

124. How are we gonna pay 'em back?

125. Whoa, what do you mean, "we"?

126. Yeah, do you expect all nine of us to chip in?

127. Come on, we got to think of some way

128. to raise that money in a hurry.

129. Good afternoon, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.

130. Actor, director and odd-nostriled punch line

131. Zach Braff has successfully Kickstarted another movie.

132. The shameless film star

133. who made a movie college kids used to like

134. is again asking people who have less to give him more.

135. That's it! We'll set up a Kickstarter

136. for the three grand we need.

137. But, Brian, people don't just donate money on Kickstarter.

138. It has to go toward some sort of project.

139. Okay, then we'll say we're making a movie.

140. And who will we get to direct?

141. We'll raise the money we need, pay back the store,

142. and then e-mail the backers, saying we ran into trouble

143. and couldn't finish the project.

144. Great idea, Brian. Much better than that version

145. of Free Solo narrated by a concerned Midwestern mom.

146. Oh, that's too high, Alex.

147. That's too high. Oh, I can't watch.

148. Now, now, why wouldn't you just have

149. a nice lunch at Applebee's?

150. I like that bird, though.

151. Griffin, why is this floor wet?

152. Oh, sorry, that's from me.

153. I-I got a little perspiration problem.

154. Hey, what time is our meeting, Oscar?

155. It's... Aah!

156. Sorry. What time is our meeting, Aah-scar?

157. Damn it, Griffin, you've become a liability in this office.

158. - Why? 'Cause I'm drunk and have a gun? - No.

159. - 'Cause of the cocaine? - No.

160. 'Cause I use office petty cash

161. to have sex with high-end escorts?

162. No. But your perspiration has become a serious problem.

163. I'm afraid you're going to have to work from home

164. - until you get it under control. - All right, if you insist.

165. Hey, Candy, sorry I couldn't finish

166. 'cause I'm so freakin' gacked on ski powder.

167. I thought the gun would get me there.

168. Anyway, here's the office cash.

169. Careful of the wet floor. You're pregnant.

170. So, Dad, are you excited for your first day

171. - of working from home? - Yes, but I'm very late.

172. Busy dad morning goodbyes.

173. Forgot my phone.

174. Are you here?

175. So, Mom, you're okay with Dad working in the house

176. - all the time? - Oh, yeah,

177. it's nice having a coworker.

178. 'Cause being a housewife is a full-time job.

179. For some pretty tough bosses!

180. Hi. So, is this your break time?

181. - No, sir. - Oh, okay.

182. I was wondering if my watch was off, maybe.

183. - It's not. - You see, Mom,

184. we try to stay focused on the task at hand

185. here at Griffin, Griffin, Griffin, Griffin and Griffin.

186. Good morning.

187. Griffin, Griffin, Griffin and Griffin.

188. Huh. I thought our letterhead had five Griffins on it, Meg.

189. But you were right to leave one of them off,

190. because you're fired.

191. Uh, hello?

192. Hey, Lois. I'm at the small bodega

193. in the living room lobby

194. trying to pick out a new baby card for Janine.

195. Wai... Who's Janine?

196. Yeah, right? Anyway, should I get one

197. with a baby with SpaghettiOs on his head,

198. like, "This is what it's gonna be like",

199. or one with a stork with an injured back?

200. Peter, I don't care.

201. Well, time to live out my dream of becoming a bodega cat.

202. I'm between the breads.

203. Again, I want to say I'm so glad all of our schedules lined up

204. so we can work together. And, as a reminder,

205. we've got New York on the line.

206. New York, are you there?

207. Stewie, is there anyone specific on the line in New York?

208. Brian, you're just showing your ignorance.

209. The phrase is, "New York on the line".

210. Hey, buddy,

211. move that piece of junk!

212. Go Mets!

213. And that's the best city we have.

214. All right, so, we've heard from New York.

215. - What have you guys got? - This,

216. this can't be the meeting.

217. New York, I'm gonna put you on hold for a second.

218. Brian, you're embarrassing us in front of New York.

219. Now get it together.

220. All right, let's show them the pitch video we put together.

221. My name's Stewie,

222. and this camera saved my life.

223. I was born on the wrong side of the tracks.

224. My father made holes in belts,

225. and my mother was the Italian guy on a pizza box.

226. The old man wanted me to go into the family business.

227. Hey! I don't hear any holes being holed!

228. I want to make movies, Pa!

229. Don't make me beat you

230. with the instrument with which I make holes in belts!

231. It's called an awl, Pa!

232. You son of a bitch!

233. Ma! Do something!

234. Frank, no!

235. Six months later,

236. my old man died when they canceled The Tony Danza Show.

237. The one that was on during the day.

238. Anyway, all that is why I want to make a movie

239. about a dog who joins a hockey team.

240. Morning, handsome.

241. Mwah.

242. Now, Lois, you have been accused of an unwanted touching.

243. - When? - Just now.

244. - Just before the flip. - Uh, this is ridiculous.

245. Lois, please.

246. Now, the way this works is

247. we simply gather information and I make up my mind an hour ago.

248. Peter, please tell us what happened.

249. I'm sitting there at my desk,

250. trying to watch porn on sites

251. you guys haven't figured out yet,

252. and

253. she comes in and kisses me.

254. Now, Barbara, the reason you are here at Super HR

255. is there's been an accusation of unwanted touching

256. and an overly sexualized work environment.

257. That's it. Peter, no more working from home.

258. I want you to go back to the office.

259. Peter, how can the company make this right?

260. Bring back Lay's WOW chips with Olestra.

261. Mr. Griffin, those chips were recalled in the '90s

262. for causing explosive diarrhea.

263. You heard me.

264. Mmm.

265. So good.

266. Uh-oh.

267. All right, boys, get me up to speed.

268. Brian! Chris!

269. Stewie, what's the matter?

270. Our Kickstarter...

271. What? Did we not hit our goal?

272. I also want to ask a question without looking at the screen.

273. Oh, oh, we hit it all right.

274. Whoa.

275. We actually have to make this thing.

276. Gentlemen, it's time

277. to start inappropriately touching actresses

278. on the casting couch.

279. Okay, I have been made aware of the allegations.

280. Is there anything you can say on your behalf?

281. I'm trans?

282. You just won HR.

283. All right. Dishes washed,

284. kids off to school,

285. taking my boobs out of my bra.

286. Alexa, play Mom Spa channel.

287. All right, you're gonna have to catch me up.

288. I just stepped off a bird from Omaha,

289. and I have a very tight window.

290. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

291. I don't have the bandwidth for this right now.

292. This is a lot for me to unpack, honestly.

293. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

294. Well, I'm gonna have to circle back with Ken

295. to get it past the goal line.

296. Unless, Wendy, do you want to run it up the flagpole?

297. Well, at the end of the day, it is what it is.

298. Look, look, look. Listen, listen.

299. Look, listen, look, look, listen, listen.

300. Not to put too fine a point on it,

301. but when push comes to shove, look, listen, look.

302. Okay, I'm gonna put a pin in this.

303. I got to go crowd the gate so people think I'm in first class,

304. even though I'm in boarding group seven.

305. Peter, for God's sake,

306. can I not just have 15 minutes of peace and quiet

307. in my own kitchen?

308. All right, I'll stay out of your way.

309. I will simply do my work and not say a word.

310. Peter, we are gonna have to fi...

311. Attention, please,

312. we are gonna begin pre-boarding Flight 238 to Scottsdale,

313. beginning with our first-class and Prestige members.

314. Oh, that's me. I got to go.

315. Scuse me, is there any way I can get on the plane now,

316. even though I'm in the seat whose back touches the bathroom?

317. Okay, welcome to the first official table read

318. for The Untitled Kickstarter Project.

319. Chris will be on speakerphone from down the hall,

320. and, as a reminder, that may result in a five-second delay.

321. So, now to hand it over to our writer extraordinaire,

322. - Mr. Brian... - Hi, everyone!

323. There's the delay.

324. - Brian Griffin, take it away. - Thank you, Stewie.

325. And before we get started,

326. I would like to officially thank Stewie

327. for spearheading this project,

328. and I'd like to thank Chris

329. for his help scouting all the locations.

330. Now, scene one. We open on a suburban...

331. Aw, you're welcome, Brian!

332. Happy to pitch in.

333. Yeah, speaking of scouting,

334. you sure got good at scouting

335. the location of the nearest Burger King.

336. Okay, scene one.

337. We open on a suburban home,

338. where a party is in full swing.

339. There is a knock at the...

340. I do like Burger King!

341. At the door.

342. The teenage son answers it.

343. Well, if it isn't my favorite uncle.

344. Why-why did we give him the lead part?

345. Chris, we're having a little delay issue here,

346. so try and come in a little sooner, yeah?

347. Roger that.

348. Okay. The teenage son stares at the man in the doorway,

349. - and they exchange an intense... - Back so soon, Uncle Cornelius?

350. Okay, Chris, that was a little too soon.

351. Bri... look, what we're gonna do is, Brian...

352. Why didn't you come to my mom's funeral?

353. No, no, Chris, we're pausing for a second.

354. All right? Okay, okay, Brian, here's what we're gonna do.

355. You're going to slap the table halfway through your line,

356. and, Chris, when you hear the slap on your end,

357. that's when you talk.

358. Everyone got that?

359. Yes.

360. Yes.

361. Okay. Uncle Cornelius stands in the doorway

362. in stunned silence

363. not knowing what to say but knowing he should say something.

364. Well, do you have anything to say for yourself?

365. - This is working. - You're damn right I do!

366. Uncle Cornelius slaps the table in anger

367. as he walks across to pour himself a gin and...

368. I'll return your pearl-handled revolver one bullet at a time!

369. Okay, let's just shoot it. It all works.

370. I just want to thank... everyone for all their hard work today.

371. You're welcome!

372. What the hell?

373. Oh, hi, Peter.

374. Like what I've done with the place?

375. I'm not sure what you have done.

376. Well, since you decided to turn our house into an office,

377. I decided to make it into a public work space

378. for everyone to enjoy.

379. Principal Shepherd?

380. Oh, hey, Peter. John Shepherd of Shepherd Marketing.

381. Eye contact, firm handshake.

382. We can put your logo on anything:

383. a mug, a set of pens, a mug.

384. I, uh... I don't have a logo.

385. Funny you should say that,

386. because our art department could whip you something up.

387. Hmm, let's see. Peter, Peter...

388. Penis?

389. Let's just fire up Windows 98.

390. You like that, right on the mug?

391. Uh, n-no. No, thank you.

392. Lois, what do you think you're doing?

393. Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, Peter.

394. Just creating a nice work environment for you.

395. For instance, I also piped in easy listening music

396. throughout the house.

397. "Ode to My Family" by the Cranberries?

398. Lois, you know once I hear that, I can't get it out of my head.

399. Don't worry. It's not the whole song.

400. It's just the...

401. Part on repeat.

402. That's the catchiest part!

403. Well, you better get to work.

404. It's already 9:15.

405. Come on, Peter, focus. You can do this.

406. And... send.

407. All right.

408. Let's see what Griffin's been up to.

409. Hmm. I've been saying that to corporate for years.

410. I got your mug, Peter.

411. That'll be $59.99.

412. I got a Square here,

413. so we can take care of the transaction in-house.

414. Geez, seems kind of pricey.

415. Well, we could bring that down to $29.99,

416. but you'd have to buy 4,000 of them.

417. Fruit Baskets Covered in Cellophane. How may I help you?

418. Long, juicy bananas and melon balls.

419. No, I know you hadn't asked me a question.

420. I was just thinking about another part of my day.

421. Okay! Fire drill!

422. Everyone out in the hot sun for an hour,

423. with no information as to when we're coming back!

424. Damn it, Lois. I can't take this!

425. Huh. Maybe you'd be better off working from your office.

426. But I thought you'd like having me around the house all day.

427. I thought so, too, Peter.

428. But maybe it was too much of a good thing.

429. You know I love you, but if this marriage is gonna survive,

430. I think you need to be gone for most of it.

431. I guess you're right. When you look at it,

432. most marriages are just a couple hours a night.

433. I'm sorry I was getting on your nerves, being home so much.

434. I'll call Bert and ask him if I can come back to the office.

435. Thank you, Peter.

436. I love you so much.

437. - I love you, too. - Mmm.

438. Hey, I went ahead and ordered those 4,000 penis mugs for you.

439. I don't want those.

440. Well, what am I supposed to do with them?

441. May I propose a merger?

442. Wow, we did it.

443. We actually made a movie.

444. Yeah, I don't want to call this a movie.

445. We made a film.

446. We made a film, guys.

447. And we even had $300,000 left over to buy snacks.

448. "M-Movie snacks are very expensive" is, is-is the joke.

449. Here we go.

450. This is garbage!

451. I'm just happy for a night out.

452. Now, who can tell me what they did wrong?

453. They were no-talent jerks who made a Kickstarter movie?

454. They were no-talent jerks who made a Kickstarter movie.

455. Don't do that, guys.