1. It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
2. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
3. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
4. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
5. Lucky there's a man who
Positively can doCopy !req
6. All the things that make usCopy !req
7. Laugh and cryCopy !req
8. He's a family guy!Copy !req
9. Why do you still read the newspaper?
Nobody does that anymore.Copy !req
10. I like to keep up on local news.
Like the police blotter.Copy !req
11. Huh, most of these arrests are Cleveland.Copy !req
12. And the arresting officer is Joe Swanson.Copy !req
13. Can I help you, sir?Copy !req
14. I'm doing my mail route, Joe.Copy !req
15. Maybe you'd be more comfortable
talking about it down at the station.Copy !req
16. You're right.
It is more comfortable here.Copy !req
17. The police station:Copy !req
18. come for the racial profiling,
stay for the comfort.Copy !req
19. Is that… is that you?Copy !req
20. Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me
to this charity ball.Copy !req
21. A friend? She's 100!Copy !req
22. What are you up to?Copy !req
23. Nothing. I enjoy her company.Copy !req
24. Older women are cultured, worldly.Copy !req
25. I've got nothing to be defensive about.Copy !req
26. Her husband passed away.
She appreciates my friendship.Copy !req
27. I'm providing companionship.
Dogs are known for that.Copy !req
28. I don't like it.Copy !req
29. Peter, I need you to mow the lawn.
It's out of control.Copy !req
30. I can't mow the lawn, Lois.Copy !req
31. The Friends of Distinction are out there,
grazing in the grass.Copy !req
32. It sure is mellow grazing in the grassCopy !req
33. Grazing in the grass is a gas
Baby, can you dig it?Copy !req
34. Everything here is so clear
You can see itCopy !req
35. And everything here is so real
You can feel itCopy !req
36. I can dig it, he can dig it
she can dig it, we can dig itCopy !req
37. They can dig it, you can dig it
Oh, let's dig itCopy !req
38. Can you dig it, baby?Copy !req
39. Oh, let me get in on that!Copy !req
40. Where'd they go?Copy !req
41. Cleveland? You okay in there?Copy !req
42. - Cleveland!
- Wha-Wha-What? What?Copy !req
43. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.Copy !req
44. Mmm, that was a good toilet dream
about my neighbor and his lawn.Copy !req
45. Peter, I don't care who's grazing.
The lawn looks terrible.Copy !req
46. Get out there and mow it.Copy !req
47. Why can't Chris mow it?
He's old enough.Copy !req
48. Look, I'm all for Chris mowing the lawn,
but you got to teach him.Copy !req
49. Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.Copy !req
50. After my weekend job as a zookeeper
with very muscular thighs.Copy !req
51. "Thigh" there, nice to see you all.Copy !req
52. As you can see right here and here,Copy !req
53. I am qualified to be a zookeeper.Copy !req
54. This is my friend Frederick.Copy !req
55. And I'm sure you're all
wondering how much I can squat.Copy !req
56. For that answer,
you'll have to go to my Instagram,Copy !req
57. YourThighness99.Copy !req
58. Now, I'd like to open up
the floor for questions.Copy !req
59. - Yes, what food does the bird…
- Not about the bird!Copy !req
60. Now, who wants to see me
jump over this fenceCopy !req
61. from a standing start?Copy !req
62. Let me scooch these shorts up
a little "thigher."Copy !req
63. Look out, elephants!Copy !req
64. So, everybody happy they went to the zoo?Copy !req
65. No?Copy !req
66. Well, that's the zoo.Copy !req
67. Is that a diamond-encrusted watch fob?Copy !req
68. This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.Copy !req
69. Nobody's owned one of those for 80 years!Copy !req
70. What are you up to?Copy !req
71. You already did this.Copy !req
72. I'm not trying to show skepticism.
My head is too heavy!Copy !req
73. I heard the doctor whisper to Lois,
"3,000th percentile."Copy !req
74. Okay, Chris, now, if you're
gonna learn how to mow a lawn,Copy !req
75. the first lesson is that
you always start by 7:00 a.m.,Copy !req
76. before everyone wakes up,
including roosters.Copy !req
77. What the…Copy !req
78. - Hey, shut up!
- You shut up!Copy !req
79. Oh, real original.Copy !req
80. Now, to start the mower,Copy !req
81. you grab this pull cord like so
and give it a nice hard yank.Copy !req
82. Can I change my grip?Copy !req
83. Wow, much better.Copy !req
84. It's a more familiar motion.Copy !req
85. For the rest, you can just watch
this how-to video on YouTube.Copy !req
86. What's going on, guys?
I'm Corey,Copy !req
87. here to take your lawn mowing
skills to the next lev.Copy !req
88. But, first, make sure you subscribe
to my channel, Corey's World.Copy !req
89. Okay, now let's startthat mower.Copy !req
90. Did you know Corey got recruited by ISIS?Copy !req
91. He disappeared, and now there's
this guy doing ISIS videosCopy !req
92. and they think it's Corey.Copy !req
93. Assalamu alaikum, guys!Copy !req
94. This is Corey, here to talk
about making a dirty bombCopy !req
95. with stuff you can findin your kitchen.Copy !req
96. Great Caesar's ghost!Copy !req
97. Chris and a chubby little friend?Copy !req
98. It's like in my dream!Copy !req
99. Hey there, Chris.Copy !req
100. You know, I've been looking
for a muscley-armed young fellaCopy !req
101. to mow my lawn.Copy !req
102. Sorry, Mr. Herbert,
but I don't even want to mow this lawn.Copy !req
103. You could bring your friend
over there to help you.Copy !req
104. Come on, Herbert.
Rope this calf.Copy !req
105. Would $600 a week change your mind?Copy !req
106. Uh, would it?
You got a deal!Copy !req
107. And I can pay you under the table.Copy !req
108. I like to make a little fort under there.Copy !req
109. I call it Fort Dix.Copy !req
110. Did you hear that, Dad?Copy !req
111. He'll pay us $600!Copy !req
112. Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear
about Fort Dix?Copy !req
113. Oh, Admiral, you've been
so good to me these past weeks,Copy !req
114. with my husband goneCopy !req
115. and me alone to tend
to his massive estate.Copy !req
116. You know, helping you
might have been difficultCopy !req
117. were you not so utterly charming.Copy !req
118. Oh…Copy !req
119. Plus, helping you helps me forget
my own country's troublesCopy !req
120. and my struggle to save
our national flower,Copy !req
121. the Masdevallia orchid.Copy !req
122. That's my favorite flower.Copy !req
123. And pet charity.Copy !req
124. Really?Copy !req
125. I've devoted my life
to raising money to save it.Copy !req
126. What a coincidence.Copy !req
127. You and the count.Copy !req
128. - The count?
- Yes, of Monte Hall.Copy !req
129. We like to October in Zurich.Copy !req
130. Ah, yes, the best place to October.Copy !req
131. The secret, however,
is to October in ZurichCopy !req
132. but in September, to avoid
the obnoxious Octobering crowds,Copy !req
133. saving October for Paris,
Novembering there,Copy !req
134. then Decembering in Palm Beach in NovemberCopy !req
135. and, in December, Januarying, of course,
as always, in Gstaad.Copy !req
136. We December in London.Copy !req
137. You, madame, are a cream-faced loon.Copy !req
138. Count, I don't believe
you've met the Admiral.Copy !req
139. Well, he may be an Admiral,
but he's certainly not admirable.Copy !req
140. Panty drop. Swoon.Copy !req
141. Commercial.Copy !req
142. So, Admiral, you must have had
quite the military career.Copy !req
143. Your honors are impressive.Copy !req
144. Is that medal
a stretched-out carnival penny?Copy !req
145. Thank you for noticing, Count.Copy !req
146. It means a lot from a man whose top hatCopy !req
147. looks suspiciously like an Amazon Echo
with a cardboard brim.Copy !req
148. Why, wha-wha-what a preposterous notion!Copy !req
149. - Alexa?
- No, don't say that!Copy !req
150. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
151. This is my scam.
Now butt out.Copy !req
152. Now, why would I do that, Brian?Copy !req
153. These old bags are going to die.Copy !req
154. Someone's going to end up
with their money.Copy !req
155. Look, all right,
there's no reason to sabotage each other.Copy !req
156. There's plenty of Newport heiresses
for the both of us.Copy !req
157. Maybe we could even help each other.Copy !req
158. Exactly.Copy !req
159. Two con men like us working together?Copy !req
160. We'll be set.Copy !req
161. Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.Copy !req
162. Uh, I don't know if you've noticed,
but the sun's been up for, like, an hour.Copy !req
163. No, no, no, no, you don't have to get up.
Let your wife do everything.Copy !req
164. Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.Copy !req
165. I'm sure she doesn't fantasize
about your contractor,Copy !req
166. who's already downstairs working on…Copy !req
167. Well, I can't really figure out
what he's working on.Copy !req
168. Oh, I know: your wife.Copy !req
169. Hey there, Chris!Copy !req
170. And what's your pal's name?Copy !req
171. I'm Peter, sir.Copy !req
172. You're big for your age, ain't ya, Petey?Copy !req
173. Yeah. Doctor says I eat too much candy.Copy !req
174. Ain't no shame in being chubby.Copy !req
175. You're a growing boy.Copy !req
176. Why, what's this?Copy !req
177. Wow! How'd you do that?Copy !req
178. It wasn't a trick.
It was stuck to your neck.Copy !req
179. Oh, yeah.
Sometimes I fall asleep on candy.Copy !req
180. There she is.Copy !req
181. The wealthiest heiress in all of Newport.Copy !req
182. - The Holy Grail for guys like us.
- Who is she?Copy !req
183. That's Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von SchumacherCopy !req
184. Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-ExuperyCopy !req
185. Mountbatten Windsor Armani RooseveltCopy !req
186. Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & JohnsonCopy !req
187. Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von ZweigerCopy !req
188. Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico VanderbiltCopy !req
189. Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your MotherCopy !req
190. Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan StanleyCopy !req
191. Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam KennedyCopy !req
192. Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker DavenportCopy !req
193. Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston MartinCopy !req
194. Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt MarlboroughCopy !req
195. Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon SinclairCopy !req
196. Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third MontgomeryCopy !req
197. Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League ChewCopy !req
198. Chesterfield Kensington Booth BishopCopy !req
199. Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger BurgermeisterCopy !req
200. Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.Copy !req
201. My God.Copy !req
202. You mean the heir
to the Woolworth CarringtonCopy !req
203. Von Schumacher Chanel Astor LivingstonCopy !req
204. Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten WindsorCopy !req
205. Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & JohnsonCopy !req
206. Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von ZweigerCopy !req
207. Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico VanderbiltCopy !req
208. Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your MotherCopy !req
209. Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan StanleyCopy !req
210. Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam KennedyCopy !req
211. Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker DavenportCopy !req
212. Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston MartinCopy !req
213. Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt MarlboroughCopy !req
214. Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon SinclairCopy !req
215. Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third MontgomeryCopy !req
216. Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League ChewCopy !req
217. Chesterfield Kensington Booth BishopCopy !req
218. Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger BurgermeisterCopy !req
219. Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis fortune?Copy !req
220. Exactly.Copy !req
221. She goes by "Pip."Copy !req
222. - Pip?
- Pip.Copy !req
223. Been trying to schmooze her for months.Copy !req
224. The only catch is her 95-year-old husband
is still hanging on by a thread.Copy !req
225. I can't make a move until he dies,
which, hopefully, is any day now.Copy !req
226. If we can charm her,
we'll be set for life.Copy !req
227. No more scraping and scavenging,
like a laughing hyena.Copy !req
228. I don't sound desperate,
but I'm very desperate.Copy !req
229. I'm not a very capable predator.Copy !req
230. My family's back
at the den waiting for me.Copy !req
231. I think this is the day
I starve to death.Copy !req
232. Just kidding, I have no family.Copy !req
233. But I'm a very involved uncle.Copy !req
234. Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag
to the mower?Copy !req
235. That's too much work.
Just mow with the blowerCopy !req
236. always pointed toward Joe's lawn.Copy !req
237. Hey, will you put a bag on that thing?Copy !req
238. Just poop into your hand
if you have to.Copy !req
239. I'll be down in a minute.Copy !req
240. Hey, boys. I've got some cookies
and special grape juice for you.Copy !req
241. Come on and get it, Petey.Copy !req
242. Sweet.Copy !req
243. But, Mr. Herbert,
you always made the cookiesCopy !req
244. with the large pill in the center for me.Copy !req
245. Sorry, Chris. He just got to them first.Copy !req
246. I thought I was your favorite.Copy !req
247. You mustn't think you've failed meCopy !req
248. Just becausethere's someone elseCopy !req
249. You were the first real loveCopy !req
250. I ever hadCopy !req
251. And all the thingsl ever saidCopy !req
252. I swear they still are trueCopy !req
253. For no one elseCopy !req
254. Can have the part of meCopy !req
255. I gave to youCopy !req
256. Torn between two loversCopy !req
257. Feeling like a foolCopy !req
258. Loving both of youCopy !req
259. Is breaking all the rulesCopy !req
260. Torn between two loversCopy !req
261. Feeling like a foolCopy !req
262. Loving you bothCopy !req
263. Is breaking all the rulesCopy !req
264. All right, now let's kick it up a notch.Copy !req
265. Come on, shake your body, baby
Do that congaCopy !req
266. You know you can't
Control yourself any longerCopy !req
267. There she is.Copy !req
268. We just got to wait
for our chance to move in.Copy !req
269. Brian, look.Copy !req
270. You think this might be… the end?Copy !req
271. I don't know, but now's our chance.Copy !req
272. I hate myself for doing this.Copy !req
273. Is that a Cats Protective League
pin on your lapel?Copy !req
274. Why, yes.Copy !req
275. It's my favorite charity.Copy !req
276. I love cats.Copy !req
277. I've devoted my life to helping them.Copy !req
278. I like this party.Copy !req
279. Pussies.Copy !req
280. Cock.Copy !req
281. I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my husband is feeling illCopy !req
282. and stepped into the men's locker room.Copy !req
283. Would you be so kind as to check on him?Copy !req
284. Well, I'm not sure
if we'll be able to find him.Copy !req
285. Don't worry. I've got a very thick,
yellow toenail finder app on my phone.Copy !req
286. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.Copy !req
287. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,
ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.Copy !req
288. Ew!Copy !req
289. Got him.Copy !req
290. Do you think he's dead?Copy !req
291. Get the hell out
of my face, Brian.Copy !req
292. Wha… Quagmire?Copy !req
293. No. Quagmire!Copy !req
294. - That's what I said.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
295. I didn't, I didn't hear you,
'cause of the prosthetics.Copy !req
296. Hey, just checking to see
if the old man is dead.Copy !req
297. - Oh, hey, guys.
- Geez, how many of us are doing this con?Copy !req
298. I've got no chance, have I?
A tertiary character like me.Copy !req
299. You most certainly do not.
I don't even thinkCopy !req
300. we're going to give you
the dance you rehearsed.Copy !req
301. - You're Margaret's husband?
- That's right.Copy !req
302. Listen, rookie, you're out of your league.Copy !req
303. You think you know how to bang a woman
who's seen a dodo bird?Copy !req
304. Wait, but how can you be married?
You don't even live together.Copy !req
305. She's old.
She says, "You weren't here yesterday."Copy !req
306. I say, "Yes, I was." And that's it.Copy !req
307. Well, you've clearly invested
a lot of time into this.Copy !req
308. And yet two fellows like us
with loose lipsCopy !req
309. could cause it all to fall apart.Copy !req
310. - Who's this trombone?
- I'm the guyCopy !req
311. who enjoyed like hell
shopping for this little ruse.Copy !req
312. Look, there's plenty
of money to go around,Copy !req
313. and I don't know how much more
of this I can take,Copy !req
314. so I'll make a deal with you guys.Copy !req
315. If you can help me "wrap this up,"Copy !req
316. if you know what I mean.
Take her skydiving,Copy !req
317. something that might, you know,
overwhelm her elderly heart.Copy !req
318. I'll split the estate with you two.Copy !req
319. But unless you're prepared to kill her,
get the hell out.Copy !req
320. All right, I got to run.
It's her birthday.Copy !req
321. Happy birthdayCopy !req
322. Dear Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von SchumacherCopy !req
323. Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery…Copy !req
324. I'm, uh, just gonna
hang here for a minute.Copy !req
325. Von Trapp Wykenham HearstCopy !req
326. Montgomery RothchildJohnson & JohnsonCopy !req
327. Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von ZweigerCopy !req
328. Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico VanderbiltCopy !req
329. Lannister Van BurenButterworthCopy !req
330. How I Met Your MotherCopy !req
331. Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan StanleyCopy !req
332. Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee WinthropCopy !req
333. Chanel Remi MartinFitzwilliam KennedyCopy !req
334. Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker DavenportCopy !req
335. Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston MartinCopy !req
336. Haverbrook Ziff LauderHilton DuPontCopy !req
337. Kincaid Winslow CoorsOviatt MarlboroughCopy !req
338. Pembroke HuffingtonBush Mellon SinclairCopy !req
339. Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third MontgomeryCopy !req
340. Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League ChewCopy !req
341. Chesterfield KensingtonBooth BishopCopy !req
342. Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger BurgermeisterCopy !req
343. Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis…Copy !req
344. That's a…Copy !req
345. That's a freshly oiled hinge.Copy !req
346. Petey, let's play horsey.Copy !req
347. That's it!Copy !req
348. It's time you did all the work
and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.Copy !req
349. Like hell it is.Copy !req
350. Jesse, is this really happening?Copy !req
351. You're going down, old man.Copy !req
352. I ain't the one going down.
You're going down.Copy !req
353. No way. I'm gonna pound your ass!Copy !req
354. You're seeming kind of cocky,
and I hate cocky.Copy !req
355. Boo, cocky!Copy !req
356. Why are you being such a jerk, Dad?Copy !req
357. D-D-D-D-D-Dad?Copy !req
358. Yeah, this is my dad.Copy !req
359. Well, he often said he wanted
to explode all over me.Copy !req
360. He finally did.Copy !req
361. Sorry I got jealous, Dad.Copy !req
362. That's all right, Chris.Copy !req
363. Hey, did you get a little aroused
when we were wrestling?Copy !req
364. - No.
- Me, neither.Copy !req
365. I am Herbert!Copy !req
366. I am Herbert.Copy !req
367. I am Herbert. I am Herbert.Copy !req
368. Good Quahog, evening.Copy !req
369. Uh, let's, uh, let's do that again.Copy !req
370. Good evening, Hog-quo,
I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.Copy !req
371. Good aftereveningnoon,
HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.Copy !req
372. Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,
I'm ningningafterevenQuo, Noonhog.Copy !req
373. Our top story:Copy !req
374. Newport's wealthiest heiress,
Margaret Woolworth…Copy !req
375. Holy God, I'm not reading all that.Copy !req
376. …was found dead in her home
of an apparent heart attack.Copy !req
377. - Did you…?
- No. Did you?Copy !req
378. No. You think Quagmire did?Copy !req
379. You, uh… You guys actually did it.Copy !req
380. And made it look like a heart attack.Copy !req
381. Wow. I, uh…
I didn't think you had it in you.Copy !req
382. I… I guess you thought wrong.Copy !req
383. Listen, I-I know there's been
some bad blood between us,Copy !req
384. but I-I promise, it won't happen again.Copy !req
385. I hope you can forgive me.Copy !req
386. Well… just watch your step.Copy !req
387. Well, a deal's a deal,
so here's your share of the estate.Copy !req
388. Just sign here.Copy !req
389. - We're rich!
- We're rich!Copy !req
390. We're rich, Stewie.Copy !req
391. And no flip joke can take that away.Copy !req
392. Gentlemen, due to a disastrous investment
in a Mindy Project amusement park,Copy !req
393. Miss Woolworth etcetera, etcetera,
died owing $18 million,Copy !req
394. for which you are now liable.Copy !req
395. We owe money?Copy !req
396. Look, Stewie, it-it could be worse.Copy !req
397. We could be dead, like Margaret.Copy !req
398. You're right. Poor thing.Copy !req
399. I guess she just died of natural causes.Copy !req
400. What a couple of rubes.Copy !req
401. I'm finally out
from under that crushing debt.Copy !req
402. I suppose I don't need this anymore.Copy !req
403. Yes, that's right. It was a Meg story.Copy !req
404. Come on, shake your body, baby
Do the congaCopy !req
405. I know you can't
Control yourself any longerCopy !req
406. Feel the rhythm of the music
Getting strongerCopy !req
407. Don't you fight it till you've tried itCopy !req
408. Do the conga beatCopy !req
409. Everybody, gather 'round nowCopy !req
410. Let your body feel the heat…Copy !req