Family Guy 17x14

Directed by Mike Kim

Niecy Nash as Sheila (voice) • Ross Marquand as Garth Brooks (voice) • Ross Marquand as Slinky (voice) • Sanaa Lathan as Donna Tubbs (voice)

After a mishap at work, Peter decides to take his health more seriously and diet with the help of Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland. When Lois takes a stab at writing a romantic fantasy novel, a curious Brian and Stewie investigate to find out who she might have a crush.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hold the door.

2. Great. It's that guy I only have one thing in common with.

3. Hey, Peter. How about that gay encounter we had?

4. God, every time with this guy.

5. I'm gonna take the stairs.

6. Oh, my God, I'm never gonna get up these stairs.

7. Okay, it's all right.

8. I do this every week in the opening credits.

9. All right, let's see. How does that go?

10. I swear he says the F-word.

11. Everything hurts.

12. Everything's wet.

13. I'm just gonna stay here.

14. Was Labyrinth a good movie?

15. I can't remember.

16. I don't want to watch it again, though.

17. Seems like a chore.

18. Aw, even Slinky from Accounting can make it up the stairs.

19. Don't forget to turn in your time card, Peter.

20. What are you, allergic to money?

21. Ha ha. No. No, I want to get paid.

22. Just forgot.

23. Ugh, look at me.

24. I haven't felt this out of shape since I took surfing lessons.

25. Boy, this is harder than I thought.

26. My arms are getting really tired.

27. Nah, you're fine. Just keep goin'.

28. Tai, your positivity is infectious!

29. All right, P-Town, wave comin' in.

30. I'm just gonna give you a little push, and you just stand up.

31. Okay, so, welcome to the first meeting

32. of our women's creative writing workshop.

33. Ladies.

34. Okay, Donna, you want to read yours?

35. Oh, I didn't do mine.

36. Wha...? Well, then you can't have any more snacks.

37. You just can't!

38. Well, I guess it's my turn.

39. "Louise lowered her velvet hood,

40. "letting loose her flowing red hair.

41. "Ignoring her friends' obvious and understandable envy,

42. "she confidently approached the mysterious castle.

43. "The doors blew open,

44. "as if some magical force had been expecting her.

45. "Louise belonged here,

46. "if only because this is where Horatio called home.

47. "Then, through the vegetation, and past the mist

48. "that sprinkled her heaving bosom, she saw him.

49. "Horatio, with his long, flowing hair blowing in the breeze,

50. "his cape fluttering.

51. "He had only two loves

52. "in his life: his horses and Louise's heaving bosom.

53. "He grabbed her tighter than she'd ever been held before.

54. "A way in which her husband, Paulter, had not held her

55. "since before they were married.

56. "Horatio then took Louise by the hand,

57. "leading her out to his stables as her bosom heaved.

58. "Louise's mind was racing in anticipation

59. "of the dirty hay sex that was gonna most definitely happen.

60. "As the two lovers entangled into one

61. "atop the probably peed-on hay,

62. "Louise's bosom heaved.

63. "They spent the next 18 minutes

64. "fighting off sneezes, in the throes of ecstasy.

65. Heaving bosom."

66. - Damn, that's steamy, Lois. - Really?

67. Uh, yeah, really. Phew!

68. Anybody mind if I open me?

69. Ah!

70. See you in the shower, ladies.

71. What am I gonna do?

72. I've been here all day, and I can't move.

73. I got it. I'll do what James Franco did in 127 Hours.

74. UCLA admissions office.

75. Yes, I'd like to enroll in a couple of classes,

76. so I can have sex with girls not old enough to get into bars.

77. Peter!

78. I heard you're in some trouble!

79. I'm stuck! I don't want to die here!

80. I just want to go to my desk and surf the Internet.

81. Hang on, Peter. I'll come up and save you.

82. Stairs.

83. Why'd it have to be stairs?

84. I can't do it. Here, you're just gonna have to kill me.

85. Wait. Look, Joe.

86. A lever to turn the stairs into a slide.

87. Damn it, Peter!

88. It's just a little water. What's it gonna hurt?

89. Oh, God!

90. Delete... history.

91. No.

92. No!

93. Peter, you caused millions of dollars' worth of water damage,

94. all because you couldn't make it up the stairs.

95. Aw, man. This means I'm the work fatty.

96. I haven't been this embarrassed since I forgot

97. about the silent part in George Michael's "Faith."

98. I've started using these pills called Stiff for Hours

99. from the gas station.

100. Just going to do a little paws-on-the-table,

101. side-of-the-mouth dog eating.

102. A Stable Affair by Lois Griffin.

103. Okay, another writer in the house.

104. Oh, my God, this is amazing!

105. This is basically a guide

106. to what Lois is looking for in a lover.

107. Check this out.

108. Lois is writing a romance novel about a woman

109. who is unhappy with her husband

110. and begins to have a torrid affair

111. with a caped lover who has horses.

112. Don't you know what this is?

113. It's a description of her every fantasy and desire.

114. This could finally be my key to...

115. To what, banging my mom?

116. You know, you are the worst.

117. Ladies.

118. Ugh! You guys, this is so embarrassing.

119. All this happened

120. because I'm too fat to make it up some stairs.

121. Peter, you got to lose weight.

122. I know. You guys got to help me, though.

123. I can't do it on my own. I'm too weak.

124. All right, we'll help you, Peter,

125. but we're doing it Quagsberry rules.

126. What's that?

127. A woman— or in this case, a man—

128. has to do anything I say, no questions asked.

129. Anything, I promise.

130. My dearest Lois,

131. I've taken Quagmire's place

132. as a Union soldier in the Civil War.

133. Shortly after I arrived, they amputated my leg.

134. I dared them to, and it was a big mistake.

135. The other guy in my tent is a wet dead guy.

136. Yours, Peter.

137. All right, Peter, today we start helping you lose weight.

138. First, let me just make sure

139. you're not hiding any food in your clothes.

140. Taste. Taste. Taste the rainbow.

141. Peter, are you hiding Skittles in your pants?

142. Is that all of 'em?

143. Just-just give me a second.

144. When I turned about 40, it started breaking up into two.

145. Weekend plans?

146. Please don't talk to me. I need to focus.

147. Good morrow!

148. What is thee, uh, up to?

149. Brian, is that your horse?

150. Wh-When did you get a horse?

151. Oh, I've been an Equus for a while.

152. The play with Harry Potter's penis?

153. Just my trusty steed here.

154. We have a special connection.

155. Me being an equestrianist and everything.

156. I-I had no idea you were into horses.

157. Sexy, huh?

158. No, seems like a hassle, and expensive.

159. How do you pay for it all?

160. Well, the costs are meager when you're able to dominate

161. and control the beast with just... the slightest glance.

162. Stop it.

163. Ha, ha! What?

164. This is nuts!

165. Anyway, I've been speaking to my horse in the silent language

166. of knowing, and I...

167. Never walk behind a horse.

168. You would have to hate horses not to know that.

169. being one with nature.

170. A mutual bond of trust.

171. Different species, same heart.

172. You're dethspicable.

173. Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.

174. How's it different from a regular gym?

175. Do regular gyms have open garage doors

176. where members' large dogs can charge innocent civilians?

177. No, I... I guess not.

178. Okay, to start, why don't you go meet the owner,

179. Jayce, over there?

180. He'll help maximize your nutrition regimen.

181. Hi, I'm Peter.

182. Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."

183. Yeah, I figured.

184. So, to start out, like, uh,

185. tell me, what's your favorite kind of food?

186. Pizza.

187. - Oh, man. - What?

188. You, uh...

189. y-you can't eat pizza.

190. Why not?

191. It's, uh— it's...

192. uh, it's...

193. it's bad.

194. Why?

195. Because, uh, it's, like, uh...

196. pretty bad for you.

197. But what makes it bad?

198. Oh.

199. Yeah, no, it's, like, uh...

200. like, probably one of the worst things you can eat.

201. How come?

202. Uh, uh, because, of, like, the ingredients in it.

203. Which ones?

204. Uh, I mean, yeah, like,

205. basically, all of them.

206. Name one.

207. Yeah, I— yeah, I mean...

208. you said— your-your words,

209. uh... pizza.

210. All right, I'm cutting this off right now.

211. It's clear you're an idiot and deserve no more of my time.

212. Oh, Peter, you're home from CrossFit.

213. Here, have some pizza.

214. Oh.

215. Uh, you know what is in that?

216. It's, like...

217. - It's very bad. - What?

218. Uh, wow.

219. Okay, Peter, a good and conspicuous workout

220. is to do lunges on the sidewalk.

221. Just do like I do.

222. - Step. - Uh-huh.

223. - Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

224. - Step. - Uh-huh.

225. - Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

226. - Step. - Uh-huh.

227. - Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

228. Step.

229. - Step. - Uh-huh.

230. - Step. - Uh-huh.

231. - Step. Step. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

232. Step. Step.

233. Step.

234. Step. Step.

235. Okay, Peter, whatever you do,

236. don't look down the hole.

237. Oh, God! I looked down the hole!

238. Oh! I got a sense of what's down there!

239. Okay, okay. All right, you can still save this.

240. Just don't smell.

241. Oh, God! I smelled everything!

242. Oh, it's so deep in my nose!

243. Okay, okay, whatever you do,

244. do not dip your cupped hand in the water.

245. Oh, God! I'm doing it!

246. Oh, God! What is wrong with me?

247. The chemicals in the water are not breaking down

248. the integrity of these movements!

249. Okay, Peter, you can quit pretending.

250. - The workout's over. - Thanks.

251. I was just in there checking my phone.

252. My phone!

253. Okay, Peter,

254. whatever you do,

255. do not open your eyes underwater.

256. What the hell?

257. I thought we were gonna get a ten-dollar scoop of ice cream

258. with all the millennials who can afford

259. ten-dollar scoops of ice cream

260. but can't afford to move out of their parents' house.

261. We are. But first I need to pick up this wine

262. that Lois mentioned in her story.

263. Where's that part about the wine?

264. "The doors magically opened."

265. "Chill came over her."

266. "Through the vegetation."

267. "Light mist."

268. Uh, Brian, everything you read just happened to us.

269. I think her book is about the grocery store.

270. Oh... my... God.

271. What?

272. It's the guy, Horatio, from Lois's book.

273. She's fantasizing about having an affair with this guy.

274. Or, who knows, maybe even is having an affair with him.

275. Excuse me, where are the crackers?

276. What? We don't work here.

277. We're a dog and a baby.

278. I— do I— do my, do my clothes make it look like I work here?

279. I think it's the overalls, yeah.

280. Hey, get back to work.

281. I'll see you back at home, Brian.

282. I've got to finish my shift.

283. I don't get it.

284. You've gained 12 pounds.

285. Looks like we're gonna have to take more drastic measures.

286. Peter, say you're not gonna have sex with me.

287. - What? - Just say it.

288. I'm not gonna have sex with you.

289. Guys, let me out of here!

290. No! You said you would do whatever's necessary

291. to help you lose weight.

292. Please, let me out!

293. Glenn, is it okay if I stay the night?

294. Rancor, what are you doing here?

295. I'm trying to diet, too.

296. Eating too many pig guys?

297. I thought it was the pig guys, but, you know what,

298. it was the bread.

299. I'm so hungry!

300. Let me out!

301. I'll tell you what, first guy that lets me out

302. gets his own spin-off.

303. Not you, Cleveland.

304. Sorry, Peter, this is for your own good!

305. Yeah, you told us you would do anything to lose weight!

306. I lied! I just want to be free,

307. like a recently divorced man with no kids!

308. This is nice.

309. This is better.

310. Stewie, I can't believe it.

311. I mean, do-do you think Lois could be having an affair

312. with this Horatio guy?

313. Brian, will you watch Stewie?

314. I have to go get groceries

315. and won't be back until later tonight.

316. Uh, yeah, sure!

317. Oh, my God, Stewie, she's going to the store

318. and won't be back until tonight?

319. Do you know what that means?

320. Disguises?

321. No, but we should follow her and see what the hell is going on.

322. Stewie-chan!

323. I'll meet you there, Brian.

324. I've got to finish my shift.

325. All right, Peter, now, I know you haven't eaten in a while,

326. so this is something called the Pocket Diet.

327. Okay, guys, empty your pockets.

328. Whatever you got in there, he eats.

329. Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere and just talk for a minute?

330. Guys, stop saying things, all right?

331. I will say the things!

332. Oh, my God.

333. He's getting in the car.

334. He's going in for a hug.

335. They're hugging! This is insane!

336. I know. This guy.

337. This guy is a star.

338. I can't believe it, Stewie. She picked him up.

339. They hugged.

340. Lois is having an affair!

341. We've got to stop them.

342. Aw, great.

343. Just great.

344. Lois, don't do it!

345. Brian?

346. What the hell are you doing here?

347. Don't do what?

348. Don't have sex with Horatio!

349. It's not worth it!

350. What are you talking about?

351. Look, I found your book and read it.

352. I thought that you wrote

353. everything you were looking for in a lover,

354. and, if I could embody some of those things,

355. maybe I would have a shot with you.

356. But then I found out Horatio is real,

357. and-and I couldn't bear to see you do something like this

358. to the family.

359. It's not you, Lois.

360. Wait, let me get this straight.

361. You, without asking, read something I wrote?

362. Then, thinking I was revealing

363. all my most intimate wants and desires,

364. you thought that you could exploit

365. what you read to seduce me?

366. But when you thought I might be cheating

367. with someone other than yourself,

368. you found that, and only that, morally objectionable?

369. And you bring Stewie here,

370. who doesn't understand any of this?

371. I predict, in the finale,

372. everyone can understand me.

373. That'd make a good finale, right?

374. Brian, this is Horatio.

375. He's special.

376. I know you think he's special.

377. No, he's special.

378. He's learning disabled.

379. I like Coldplay.

380. - Ooh... - Oh...

381. I'm not having an affair with him, Brian.

382. I volunteered at the special needs living facility,

383. and Horatio happened to like horses.

384. So, once a week, I take him to the stables.

385. And the cape is from a Darth Vader costume he had as a kid.

386. Did you know he's the boss of the stormtroopers?

387. Yes, I have fantasies about him dominating me

388. with his idiot strength.

389. But it's just that—

390. a fantasy.

391. That's why I wrote it in a story,

392. because I knew that I would never act on it.

393. Ugh. I never thought a dog

394. could be such a genuine piece of human garbage.

395. Lois,

396. I'm truly sorry for what I thought.

397. It all just made sense to me at the time.

398. But now that I see what it is,

399. I'm ashamed of myself.

400. I hope you can find it in your heart...

401. Hey, Bri.

402. There's a good girl.

403. Joe and Cleveland,

404. are you ready to see your new Peter?

405. What do you guys think?

406. I don't believe it.

407. I'm speechless.

408. Hey, look, it's Jonah Hill sometimes!

409. Wow!

410. Looking good, Peter.

411. Yes. I might want me a little taste of that.

412. Oh, well, Sheila, look out.

413. Be careful what you ask for, 'cause you never know—

414. I might— Are-are you serious?

415. 'Cause I will do this, 100%.

416. My wife's in, too. I'll call her.

417. We'll do a whole thing.

418. Hey, Lois. I got a two-top.

419. Okay.

420. She's out, but I'm still in.

421. Boy, I got to admit,

422. I feel a little sheepish to get so fooled

423. by a silly little book that Lois wrote.

424. Yes, but, you know, I think what we missed in all of this

425. is that Lois wrote a beginning, middle, and end to something.

426. What have you written lately, Brian?

427. Well, nothing, but, you know, I think—

428. I think any writer knows how hard it is

429. to be staring at that blank page.

430. Sounds like you did write something,

431. your career's obituary.

432. Well, that's our dog and baby!

433. Hi, this is Chris Griffin.

434. Boy, Lois had some amorous adventures this week.

435. But you know what really turns me on?

436. Reading.

437. Why don't you get yourself down to the library

438. and open up a book!

439. Here's a few of my favorite books.

440. J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye.

441. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.

442. And, of course, The Dirt by Motley Crue.

443. Seriously, read The Dirt.

444. They snort a row of live ants like cocaine.

445. Remember, kids, a library card is free,

446. but knowledge is priceless.

447. Get that Dirt book.