1. It seems today that all you seeCopy !req
2. Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
3. But where are those
good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
6. Lucky there's a man
who positively can doCopy !req
7. All the things that make usCopy !req
8. Laugh and cryCopy !req
9. He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!Copy !req
10. Stone fruit season!Copy !req
11. Now, those are what my granddaddy calledCopy !req
12. "proposin' peaches."Copy !req
13. Don't be shy, now. Dig in.Copy !req
14. Whoa-ho!Copy !req
15. Here I go.Copy !req
16. Don't you do it.
Don't you go to the gross side.Copy !req
17. It's out of my control.Copy !req
18. They're too... juicy.Copy !req
19. We exchanged a look earlier.Copy !req
20. We have a grossed-out, no-fun alliance.Copy !req
21. So, you guys like peaches, huh?Copy !req
22. - Yeah.
- Hold on.Copy !req
23. I need a large pane of glass.Copy !req
24. Well, I got her phone number.Copy !req
25. How do you like them peaches?Copy !req
26. Covered by most insurance.Copy !req
27. Guys, check it out.Copy !req
28. In honor of opening day
at Fenway Park this weekend,Copy !req
29. the Red Sox are offering
four tickets behind home plateCopy !req
30. to the person who makes
the best Red Sox ad.Copy !req
31. - Oh...
- My...Copy !req
32. Freaking...Copy !req
33. Guys, winning those seats
is our highest priority.Copy !req
34. Even higher than my dream
of winning socks-on karate.Copy !req
35. Point! Winner!Copy !req
36. - Ow!
- Ow!Copy !req
37. Ah, this is the life.Copy !req
38. - Thanks, Peter.
- I still can't believe you wonCopy !req
39. by filming yourself pooping
in a Yankees helmet.Copy !req
40. I am not a subtle filmmaker,Copy !req
41. and my audience
wouldn't have it any other way.Copy !req
42. Joe, what are you eating
your ice cream out of?Copy !req
43. They ran out of those
mini batting helmets,Copy !req
44. so they're serving it in athletic cups.Copy !req
45. Did you buy that
from a certified vendor?Copy !req
46. He wasn't behind the counter,
but he had a blue shirt on.Copy !req
47. I think somebody might be
having a little fun with you.Copy !req
48. Yeah, come to think of it,
he did have a friend filming,Copy !req
49. and he made me eat the first
seven bites in front of him,Copy !req
50. and he didn't charge me anything.Copy !req
51. Do you, uh...Copy !req
52. do you want this?Copy !req
53. I'll take a bite.Copy !req
54. Four beers, please.Copy !req
55. Anything else, fellas?Copy !req
56. Uh, yeah, I'll have a beer.Copy !req
57. Anyone else want another?Copy !req
58. Yeah, why not?Copy !req
59. - Quagmire?
- I'm good.Copy !req
60. I'm good with one more.Copy !req
61. - Cleveland?
- I'm fine.Copy !req
62. Yeah, I'm fine with one more, too.Copy !req
63. I-I'm gonna take it with me to the can.Copy !req
64. All right, now to have
the only exciting thingCopy !req
65. in the game happen
as soon as I turn my back.Copy !req
66. Hey, buddy,
that's just a break in the lineCopy !req
67. so people can pass through.Copy !req
68. End of the line's that way.Copy !req
69. Yeah, it's all the way
to that guy with the scorebookCopy !req
70. just waiting for someone to talk to.Copy !req
71. Don't get used to Benintendi's
two-strike hitting.Copy !req
72. His history will tell you
it's not a sustainable paceCopy !req
73. for an everyday outfielder.Copy !req
74. Aw, screw that.
I'm using the ladies' room.Copy !req
75. How bad could it be?Copy !req
76. I saw a mouse.Copy !req
77. Buddy, if you really gotta go,
you can use that one.Copy !req
78. A bathroom for Prince?Copy !req
79. I can't use that. I'm not Prince.Copy !req
80. It's not for Prince.Copy !req
81. Space Cats? I'm not a Space Cat.Copy !req
82. Sir, I can assure you there's
no such thing as Space Cats.Copy !req
83. Now, can you direct me
to Earth's reserve of yarn?Copy !req
84. Aw, screw this.Copy !req
85. Excuse me, ma'am, could you direct meCopy !req
86. to Earth's reserve
of near-empty tuna tins?Copy !req
87. Are you a Space Cat?Copy !req
88. - He's been made.
- We've got to call him back.Copy !req
89. Psst, psst.Copy !req
90. Psst, psst.Copy !req
91. Guys! I found the best toilet
in the whole place.Copy !req
92. - Next time...
- Peter! You're on the jumbotron!Copy !req
93. - Where?
- Right there!Copy !req
94. - Here?
- There, Peter, there!Copy !req
95. Here? Yes?Copy !req
96. It's right in front of you, Peter!Copy !req
97. - Right here?
- No!Copy !req
98. - Oh, over here?
- Damn it, Peter,Copy !req
99. you're gonna miss it!Copy !req
100. Is-is this... is this it?Copy !req
101. Aha! Where?Copy !req
102. Guys, look! I'm on the jumbotron!Copy !req
103. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
104. let's give a big Boston welcome
to Peter Griffin,Copy !req
105. the fist transgender Red Sox fan.Copy !req
106. Peter, you used
the transgender bathroom,Copy !req
107. so now everyone thinks
you're transgender.Copy !req
108. Cleveland, what are you eating
your Cracker Jacks out of?Copy !req
109. Oh, the guy said they
were out of regular boxes,Copy !req
110. - so he gave me this box.
- What did he look like?Copy !req
111. Like this.Copy !req
112. Hey, that's the ice cream guy!Copy !req
113. I got a handful, too, Peter.Copy !req
114. You want to see who can finish faster?Copy !req
115. You're on!Copy !req
116. It looks like we've got ourselvesCopy !req
117. a good old-fashioned Cracker Jack off.Copy !req
118. Good morning, Peter.
We saw the game last night,Copy !req
119. and, well, we just want you to knowCopy !req
120. that we wholeheartedly support
all transgender people.Copy !req
121. - But I'm not...
- Peter, before you say anythingCopy !req
122. that might clear all this up,
let me tell youCopy !req
123. about our stellar transgender
employee benefit package.Copy !req
124. Benefits? I'm trans-listening.Copy !req
125. Well, as such, you're entitled
to supplemental time off,Copy !req
126. our on-site masseuseCopy !req
127. and a $60 gift card from Nordstrom Rack.Copy !req
128. - Nordstrom?
- Rack.Copy !req
129. - Yeah, but Nordstrom!
- Yes, I understand.Copy !req
130. But it's just... Rack.Copy !req
131. Well, in the words
of trailblazer Caitlyn Jenner,Copy !req
132. "I will do anything
for money and attention."Copy !req
133. So brave.Copy !req
134. Great. We'll send the paperwork
down to your office.Copy !req
135. Well, better use
the men's room one last time.Copy !req
136. Lot of history in there.Copy !req
137. You.Copy !req
138. And you, the Hungry Hungry Hippo.Copy !req
139. You'd always swallow it
before I could see what I did.Copy !req
140. And one last look at my crack
imprint on the walk of fame.Copy !req
141. God, I remember that day.Copy !req
142. I would find out laterCopy !req
143. that when you put your ass
in wet cement,Copy !req
144. you're just sealing it shut forever.Copy !req
145. Best they could do was poke holes in itCopy !req
146. so it comes out like Play-Doh spaghetti.Copy !req
147. Anyway, that's the first act.Copy !req
148. Peter, pretending to be
transgender to get time off workCopy !req
149. trivializes a real struggle
in this country.Copy !req
150. Did the... did the Space Cats
get to you?Copy !req
151. I don't know what that is,
but you got to knock this off.Copy !req
152. And direct me to Earth's reserve
of sun-dappled window seats.Copy !req
153. Lois is right, Peter.Copy !req
154. Besides the fact that
you're lying to your employers,Copy !req
155. you're taking advantage
of a civil libertyCopy !req
156. that so many oppressed peopleCopy !req
157. have fought their entire lives for.Copy !req
158. Shut your mouth, Brian.
I'm part of a movement.Copy !req
159. Hey, what is "transgender," anyway?Copy !req
160. Is that the stuff in potato chipsCopy !req
161. that makes your bum go bam?Copy !req
162. It-It's pointless arguing with you.Copy !req
163. Cool. Now, in order to pull this off,Copy !req
164. I'm gonna have to look the part.Copy !req
165. Lois, which dress may I borrow?Copy !req
166. None. My closet is off-limits.Copy !req
167. Fine. There's got to be
something in the attic.Copy !req
168. I can't even begin to describe
the density of illnessCopy !req
169. I feel in my bone marrow right now.Copy !req
170. That is-that is how appalled
I am by this.Copy !req
171. - Other guys?
- Sorry, Peter.Copy !req
172. I don't see you getting away
with this one.Copy !req
173. Look, Peter, the good news isCopy !req
174. you still fit
in your wife's wedding gown.Copy !req
175. Not every guy can say that.Copy !req
176. It's actually Meg's.
She commits murders in it.Copy !req
177. What's this, now?Copy !req
178. That's just it, Peter... this
whole thing is a joke to you.Copy !req
179. Are you forgetting
I have a dad who's a woman?Copy !req
180. No, of course not.
That's the first thingCopy !req
181. everyone thinks of when they see you.Copy !req
182. But Th-this isn't like that.Copy !req
183. And I thought you guys would support me.Copy !req
184. Like we all supported Joe
on that road trip.Copy !req
185. - Boy, I am stuffed.
- Oh, I forgot to mention,Copy !req
186. one of you guys has to be in chargeCopy !req
187. of changing my diaper the whole trip.Copy !req
188. Why don't we all just switch off?Copy !req
189. Oh, there will be other jobs
for other people.Copy !req
190. Okay, I guess we should,
like, draw straws or something.Copy !req
191. Actually, I've been observing all of youCopy !req
192. for the past few hours,
and I choose Quagmire.Copy !req
193. - What? Why me?
- You've got long fingers.Copy !req
194. And I feel like you wouldn't crackCopy !req
195. if things start to go south.Copy !req
196. Fine. How do I know when it's time?Copy !req
197. Well, I'll turn to you, very sincerely,Copy !req
198. and I'll look you right in your eyes,Copy !req
199. and I'll say,
"Quagmire, I've got poopies."Copy !req
200. Ugh.Copy !req
201. Now, Quagmire, I've...Copy !req
202. - You got poopies. I know.
- No!Copy !req
203. You're supposed to let me say it!Copy !req
204. Quagmire...Copy !req
205. I've got poopies.Copy !req
206. - Dad!
- Dad!Copy !req
207. How goes the transition, Mr. Griffin?Copy !req
208. Like Huma Abedin, I'm trying
to forget about my Weiner.Copy !req
209. Whoa, we're doing Cheers, not Frasier.Copy !req
210. Tough day, Dad?Copy !req
211. I don't get it. How does Rebel WilsonCopy !req
212. always look so fetching?Copy !req
213. - Does she, though?
- You could be, too,Copy !req
214. if you just let your hair down a little.Copy !req
215. Now you just take that beautiful
hair down to the salon,Copy !req
216. and you'll be a ten.Copy !req
217. On a scale of a billion?Copy !req
218. Thanks, Chris.Copy !req
219. Thanks for helping me
at 11:30 on a school day.Copy !req
220. There was a shooting.Copy !req
221. She's an old-time ambassadorCopy !req
222. Of sweet-talking, night-walking gamesCopy !req
223. But she's a queen and such are queensCopy !req
224. That your laughter
is sucked in their brains.Copy !req
225. I'll take 'em all.Copy !req
226. Well, hello.Copy !req
227. - Where you going, Dad?
- Out.Copy !req
228. Now that I'm living as a woman,
I can say whatever I want to menCopy !req
229. and they can't hit me.Copy !req
230. Oh, hey, Peter.Copy !req
231. Sully could've made it to an airport.Copy !req
232. Hey, you shut your mouth!
That man is a hero!Copy !req
233. Ah, ah, ah, ah! Woman.Copy !req
234. Well, it's definitely trueCopy !req
235. that I respect the boundaries of women.Copy !req
236. Oh, hey, Sherry, uh,
just-just get in the fireplace.Copy !req
237. I'll-I'll spit down the chimney.Copy !req
238. Hey, Joe. How's the suspension going?Copy !req
239. When you get married,Copy !req
240. you don't think
you'll be home together all day.Copy !req
241. It's, uh... trying.Copy !req
242. Who's at the door?Copy !req
243. It's my friend!Copy !req
244. So, what's up, Peter?Copy !req
245. I just wanted to tell you
that I'm the oneCopy !req
246. who planted the evidence
that got you suspended.Copy !req
247. What? I'm gonna kill you!Copy !req
248. Ah, ah, ah! Woman.Copy !req
249. Oh, right.Copy !req
250. Joe, close the door.Copy !req
251. You're letting the bugs in.Copy !req
252. Is your daughter still killing people?Copy !req
253. She is.Copy !req
254. Hey, Chris Brown.Copy !req
255. I just wanted to say
I'm a huge fan of your music.Copy !req
256. This is just gonna make me listen more.Copy !req
257. Oh, hey, Ray Rice.Copy !req
258. Would you mind pressing "lobby"?Copy !req
259. What do you got, potatoes in your ears?Copy !req
260. I said press "lobby"!Copy !req
261. Now, Peter, one of the perks
of being a womanCopy !req
262. is that you get to go out
and have a white wine,Copy !req
263. squeak-fart lunch with your friends.Copy !req
264. Did you hear Diane's husband left her?Copy !req
265. Yeah, you could tell from the weddingCopy !req
266. they were not gonna last.Copy !req
267. Oh, it's a shame.
And they have two kids!Copy !req
268. Marriage is hard.Copy !req
269. Those machines in the ladies'
room don't vend pants, do they?Copy !req
270. Don't let 'em take my salad.
I'm still working on it.Copy !req
271. This is so great. Now that I'm a woman,Copy !req
272. I can lean-dance
into anyone's karaoke song.Copy !req
273. When you were here beforeCopy !req
274. Couldn't look you in the eye...Copy !req
275. Yeah! It's a work night!Copy !req
276. Hey, come on.Copy !req
277. Get out of here.Copy !req
278. You're ruining my birthday party.Copy !req
279. Your skin makes me cry...Copy !req
280. Sing Justin Timberlake!Copy !req
281. Come on! I waited an hour
and a half for this!Copy !req
282. And, hey, get off that bar!Copy !req
283. Why?Copy !req
284. Because you're at Lowfan O'Reilly's.Copy !req
285. All right, where am I on the screen?Copy !req
286. Oh. "Float like a feather
in a beautiful world."Copy !req
287. Dah, dah, dah. Okay.Copy !req
288. Flippin' specialCopy !req
289. But I'm a creep...Copy !req
290. What? What happened?Copy !req
291. Ah, I knew you'd catch it.Copy !req
292. I'm parting my hair
on the other side now.Copy !req
293. Oh, Peter, thank God you're okay.Copy !req
294. Hello, bosses and not my family.Copy !req
295. You really gave us a scare there.Copy !req
296. Oh, what do you mean?Copy !req
297. Well, you went into a comaCopy !req
298. after you were hit in the head by a fan.Copy !req
299. Oh, it was funny.Copy !req
300. - And then it wasn't.
- A coma?Copy !req
301. Well, I feel tomato now, beige spots.Copy !req
302. And since the company was paying
for your medical care anyway,Copy !req
303. we fulfilled your letter
of medical intentCopy !req
304. for your sex reassignment surgery.Copy !req
305. - What?
- She's saying that your surgeryCopy !req
306. to become a woman
was a complete success.Copy !req
307. It's much easier going that way,
believe me.Copy !req
308. Just a chop and a mop.Copy !req
309. Congratulations, Peter.Copy !req
310. You're officially a woman.Copy !req
311. No...!Copy !req
312. That is one nutty hospital.Copy !req
313. Peter, I'm sorry this happened,
but it's your own fault.Copy !req
314. You should never have pretended
to be someone else.Copy !req
315. That's right, but now that it's done,Copy !req
316. maybe I can help you
with the transition.Copy !req
317. You know, I've always been a
great supporter of the LGBLT...Copy !req
318. Nope.Copy !req
319. No.Copy !req
320. Unrelated.Copy !req
321. The Long Island Expressway?Copy !req
322. The wrong stuff, Brian.Copy !req
323. Yes. Yes, WNBA.Copy !req
324. Mom, you know, our world today is filledCopy !req
325. with people like Dad trying
to find their identities.Copy !req
326. Whether it's cutters,
or people who cut themselves,Copy !req
327. or people who drag knives across
their thighs to feel something.Copy !req
328. You're right, Meg.Copy !req
329. I guess we'll just have
to deal with this,Copy !req
330. like when Chris won
that hundred-dollar scratcherCopy !req
331. and talked down to everybody.Copy !req
332. Your house is so cozy, Joe.Copy !req
333. Wish I could get by
with just two bathrooms.Copy !req
334. Technically, one and a half.Copy !req
335. Leave us alone.Copy !req
336. I said, "Leave us alone," but deep down,Copy !req
337. I respected and even desired
Chris for his success.Copy !req
338. It would take another eight yearsCopy !req
339. before I summoned the courageCopy !req
340. to kiss him at a backyard barbecue,Copy !req
341. and from that moment on...Copy !req
342. Bonnie! Bonnie!Copy !req
343. I've got poopies.Copy !req
344. Thank you for showing me the 90 thingsCopy !req
345. women have to do before going to bed.Copy !req
346. Okay, now quick break
to cry for no reason.Copy !req
347. Can we do one last judgmental
scroll through Facebook first?Copy !req
348. Of course.Copy !req
349. Congratulations,
you went to a dance club.Copy !req
350. You know, Peter,
if I didn't know better,Copy !req
351. I'd say you'd been a woman for years.Copy !req
352. Now we just drift off to sleep,Copy !req
353. thinking about Rick from Midas Muffler.Copy !req
354. I probably won't be able to sleepCopy !req
355. 'cause I had two sips of tea
at 3:30 this afternoon.Copy !req
356. That's okay, Peter.Copy !req
357. You can just read
on an impossibly bright iPadCopy !req
358. while I toss and turn in a pissy way.Copy !req
359. You almost done with the chapter?Copy !req
360. Oh, there's no chapters.
It's a Clifford book.Copy !req
361. Thank you, young man.Copy !req
362. Hey, now that we're all settled
at this table,Copy !req
363. you guys want to move outside
'cause it's such a nice day?Copy !req
364. Okay, why don't you go save us
a table outside,Copy !req
365. and we'll be there soon?Copy !req
366. Taken. Sorry.Copy !req
367. You know, it's fun back here.Copy !req
368. You don't even know you're in Quahog.Copy !req
369. Please don't talk to us. You're too fat.Copy !req
370. You want me to start a new tab for you?Copy !req
371. No, you can just keep ours going.Copy !req
372. Your friends left
the minute you came out here,Copy !req
373. and they didn't pay their indoor tab.Copy !req
374. I feel so alone.Copy !req
375. And that bitch stole my hairstyles!Copy !req
376. Well, hello.Copy !req
377. That's what he said to me!Copy !req
378. Peter?Copy !req
379. - Ida?
- Come, sit.Copy !req
380. Well, look at you.Copy !req
381. Yeah, look at me.Copy !req
382. - What's wrong?
- It's a long story.Copy !req
383. Yeah, I've heard.Copy !req
384. Peter, everything is gonna be okay.Copy !req
385. I promise.Copy !req
386. O-Okay.Copy !req
387. Now, I'm going to tell you a story.Copy !req
388. When I first met you, Peter,Copy !req
389. I was already at the end
of a long journeyCopy !req
390. to find the courage to become a woman.Copy !req
391. But before that, I lived for 61 yearsCopy !req
392. as a miserable, miserable man.Copy !req
393. I grew up in the small town
of Football, Texas,Copy !req
394. and from the age of eight,
I was mercilessly teasedCopy !req
395. for being different
and "dressing funny."Copy !req
396. Then, at the age of 14,
I had an epiphany.Copy !req
397. It was so clear.Copy !req
398. I was a girl trapped in a boy's body.Copy !req
399. I'm having a hard time focusing
without a drink, but go on.Copy !req
400. It took me 47 years from that
day to officially own who I am.Copy !req
401. Is there a waiter or...?Copy !req
402. In those 47 years, I became
an expert at hiding my secret.Copy !req
403. I became a war hero and raised a family,Copy !req
404. but I was dying inside,
and the deeper I buried it,Copy !req
405. the more unhappy I became,Copy !req
406. and eventually, I even thought
of ending my own life.Copy !req
407. But I couldn't do that to Glenn.Copy !req
408. I had no idea.Copy !req
409. It's clear you had no idea.Copy !req
410. You know nothing about what it meansCopy !req
411. to feel this struggle.Copy !req
412. Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
413. I kind of stumbled into all this,Copy !req
414. but you've been dealing with it
your whole life.Copy !req
415. Yes, I have.Copy !req
416. And my story, to one degree or another,Copy !req
417. is every transgender person's story,Copy !req
418. and all those stories
are the price of admissionCopy !req
419. to finally feeling at peace
with who you are...Copy !req
420. A price you never paid.Copy !req
421. Ah, I'm so sorry, Ida.Copy !req
422. I feel really awful,Copy !req
423. and I'm a really bad person
for what I did.Copy !req
424. I deserve what happened to me.Copy !req
425. Touching story, other people humans.Copy !req
426. Now, could you direct meCopy !req
427. to Earth's reserve of other dog butts?Copy !req
428. That's right, that's right.Copy !req
429. Everybody natural.Copy !req
430. Peter, listen to me.Copy !req
431. You were a bad person.Copy !req
432. But now you've taken a journey.Copy !req
433. It just took becoming a woman
to make you a better man.Copy !req
434. But I'll never be that better man.Copy !req
435. I can't afford the surgery to go back.Copy !req
436. I think I might be able
to help you with that, Peter.Copy !req
437. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
438. I've got an idea.Copy !req
439. What a day.Copy !req
440. Oh, Peter, you started a Kickstarter.Copy !req
441. Not exactly.Copy !req
442. Oh, that's... that's not a "K."Copy !req
443. Look at that. You're up to six inches.Copy !req
444. That's two inches past your goal.Copy !req
445. It's not important what the goal was.Copy !req
446. What's important is
this community cares.Copy !req
447. Congratulations, Mr. Griffin.Copy !req
448. Your surgery was a success.Copy !req
449. You're a man again.Copy !req
450. Sully was a hero!Copy !req
451. Well, I'm glad
everything's back to normal.Copy !req
452. I'll say.Copy !req
453. Dad, you lost a wiener
but came out a winner.Copy !req
454. Well, that does it
for our crossover episode.Copy !req
455. Thanks for coming,
cast of Bob's Burgers.Copy !req
456. We didn't get to do anything.Copy !req
457. Show's 22 minutes long.Copy !req
458. Not everything makes it to air.Copy !req
459. But, hey, you have the floorCopy !req
460. if there's something hilarious
you want to say.Copy !req
461. I'll just sit here and be quiet.Copy !req
462. Give us two Emmys worth of amazing.Copy !req
463. Maybe a funny burger name? No?Copy !req
464. Girl in the bunny ears?Copy !req
465. Boy, I love it when characters
are expressed by props.Copy !req
466. I kind of feel like
this is less of a crossoverCopy !req
467. and more of a roast.Copy !req
468. No, a roast is good-natured.Copy !req