1. It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
2. But where are those
Good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
3. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
4. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
5. Lucky there's a man who
Positively can doCopy !req
6. All the things that make usCopy !req
7. Laugh and cry!Copy !req
8. He's a family guy!Copy !req
9. Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
10. Coming up, we interview a man
who went a whole Hawaiian vacationCopy !req
11. without giving a "hang loose"
sign in a picture,Copy !req
12. and also didn't do the "lei" joke.Copy !req
13. You won't believe this incredible story.Copy !req
14. Oh, wait, he's a Japanese man?Copy !req
15. Doesn't speak English.Copy !req
16. So… so he just didn't know.Copy !req
17. Happy birthday, Brian.Copy !req
18. We bought you a cake with the groceries,Copy !req
19. so it got smashed
with a jug of Tide in the car.Copy !req
20. - Open your presents.
- Yeah.Copy !req
21. You got one from Rami Malek,
star of Mr. Robot.Copy !req
22. Wow, he gave me the dark circles
around his eyes.Copy !req
23. Aw, cool.Copy !req
24. Did he also include
his dead-soul monotone?Copy !req
25. No, I don't… Oh, oh, wait, hang on.Copy !req
26. I didn't see it at firstCopy !req
27. because it was under some tissue paper.Copy !req
28. - Now open mine.
- Minions 3?Copy !req
29. Yeah. In this one, Gru has been
replaced by Harvey Weinstein.Copy !req
30. Oh, you like working for bad guys?Copy !req
31. I'll show you a bad guy. Now you touch it.Copy !req
32. You know what to touch.Copy !req
33. B-Banana.Copy !req
34. Well, thanks, everyone.Copy !req
35. What's wrong? You seem a little down.Copy !req
36. Nothing, it's just that…Copy !req
37. I don't know, my-my birthday is just…Copy !req
38. it's kind of a reminder that
I'm now one year closer to death,Copy !req
39. with nothing to show for my time here.Copy !req
40. Can I get a Minion cake
for my next birthday?Copy !req
41. - We'll see, Peter.
- Like, a real one.Copy !req
42. Like, not you makin' it.Copy !req
43. Someday I'll be gone, and it'll
be like I was never here at all.Copy !req
44. Aw, he is depressed.Copy !req
45. Sad little guy.Copy !req
46. Let's not project people
emotions onto animals.Copy !req
47. I just want my story to live on,
even after I'm gone.Copy !req
48. You know, I always did want
to write my autobiography.Copy !req
49. Yeah, it's hard to work
when you get distractedCopy !req
50. - whenever someone says, "What's that?"
- What's what?Copy !req
51. You know what?
Maybe I can lend a hand, Brian.Copy !req
52. I'll help you write your biography.Copy !req
53. Really? You'd do that?Copy !req
54. Yes. After all, I helped
Cleveland with his wardrobe.Copy !req
55. Hey, Cleveland, you know I love you,Copy !req
56. but those jeans… they ain't for you.Copy !req
57. I knew it. I think
I just needed to hear it.Copy !req
58. Thank you, Peter's baby.Copy !req
59. - Uh-uh.
- Copy that.Copy !req
60. We now return
to Allison Janneyin Hello, Sexy.Copy !req
61. And, uh, to your left,
you'll see a joke aboutAllison JanneyCopy !req
62. being very, very tall.Copy !req
63. Uh, she has an Oscar, and we have
a great deal of respect for her.Copy !req
64. - You know, I had a terrific…
- Uh.Copy !req
65. - No, sorry. You go.
- Okay.Copy !req
66. I found a lump on my scrotum this morning.Copy !req
67. You done? Yeah?Copy !req
68. I had a terrific sandwich, uh, yesterday.Copy !req
69. Boy, they are doing a lot
with mayo these days.Copy !req
70. I have no doctor.Copy !req
71. You know that UPS lady with
the super-bruised legs?Copy !req
72. Well, one time…Copy !req
73. What… Uh, what-what's going on?Copy !req
74. Quagmire, are you okay?Copy !req
75. Where's he going?Copy !req
76. - Looks like Quagmire…
- I think he…Copy !req
77. Boy, you and me today, huh?Copy !req
78. He's, like, hypnotized. Do we wake him?Copy !req
79. That could be perilous.Copy !req
80. I was happy to see
that new massage parlor.Copy !req
81. But deep down, I was disappointed that
we took a shotat Allison Janney,Copy !req
82. just because she can dunk a basketball.Copy !req
83. I mean, she has an Oscar,Copy !req
84. and we have a great deal
of respect for her.Copy !req
85. All right, Brian, time to get
to work on your biography.Copy !req
86. Now, let's start with an interview.
Who would you say is your hero?Copy !req
87. Well, I guess maybe Martin Luther King.Copy !req
88. Okay, maybe someone you see every day.Copy !req
89. Uh, well, I guess Peter is…Copy !req
90. No, no, no. Like somebody younger.
Like younger than you, even.Copy !req
91. Like that, like that kind of hero.Copy !req
92. Well, I guess Meg and Chris.Copy !req
93. Let's take Meg and Chris as a given.Copy !req
94. Anyone else you maybe look up to?Copy !req
95. - I guess Lois…
- We did say younger, did we not?Copy !req
96. Well, uh, I guess that leaves… you.Copy !req
97. Oh, boy, embarrassing.
That backfired, didn't it?Copy !req
98. So, I should put me, then?Copy !req
99. Yes, fine.Copy !req
100. Now, another important part
of any book: the dedication.Copy !req
101. It's not uncommon for an author
to dedicate his bookCopy !req
102. to his hero, who you have listed as…Copy !req
103. Oh, no, this is…Copy !req
104. Oh, this is embarrassing.Copy !req
105. We already did this. I got some free time.Copy !req
106. - Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
- It's about time.Copy !req
107. Thanks to you, we got leapfrogged
by Seamus' foursome.Copy !req
108. Ha. Golf club hands.Copy !req
109. Hey, could one of you spot me
the greens fees?Copy !req
110. I blew all my money at the massage parlor.Copy !req
111. Sheesh, you're sure spending
a lot of money at that place.Copy !req
112. How much you pay one of them masseuses?Copy !req
113. Eh, 200 bucks.Copy !req
114. 200 bucks? That's what I paid
for Reading Railroad.Copy !req
115. What kinda medical benefits
do those masseuses get?Copy !req
116. I think they see the Chinese vet
down the street.Copy !req
117. Well, that's all the information I need
to make a binding vocational choice.Copy !req
118. Guys, I'm gonna become
a professional massage therapist.Copy !req
119. - What?
- Are you serious, Peter?Copy !req
120. You bet. I could always use
some extra cash.Copy !req
121. Plus, I've handled
bigger challenges before.Copy !req
122. You know, I was once
in the Blue Man Group.Copy !req
123. Peter, what's wrong with your paint?Copy !req
124. Remember when I asked
for a five-minute break?Copy !req
125. Hey, Stewie, which title do you
like for the biography,Copy !req
126. Barking Up the Right Tree…
you catch that?Copy !req
127. or Are You There, Dog? It's Me, Brian.Copy !req
128. Oh, about that…
I was meaning to tell you,Copy !req
129. your biography is finished.Copy !req
130. Already? Wow. Print me up a copy.Copy !req
131. Done, Brian. Look behind you.Copy !req
132. Whoa, ass ahoy.Copy !req
133. - Classic.
- Stewie, this isn't a book.Copy !req
134. Brian, it's 2019.
We're living in a post-book,Copy !req
135. Post Raisin Bran society.Copy !req
136. So enjoy your new robot,
and enjoy a bowl of Post Raisin Bran.Copy !req
137. Post Raisin Bran:
like Kellogg's, but worse.Copy !req
138. Stewie, what about my biography?Copy !req
139. This robot is a living record
of you and your history.Copy !req
140. It knows you and your mannerisms,
and it will exist long after you're gone.Copy !req
141. Brian, in every sense of the term,
Robot Brian is your biography.Copy !req
142. This is how you'll be remembered, forever.Copy !req
143. - Whoa, ass ahoy.
- He says that a lot.Copy !req
144. He's also got
an interchangeable memory bank,Copy !req
145. an expandable encyclopedia
database, and, as a bonus,Copy !req
146. the new U2 album.Copy !req
147. - Oh. I don't want the new U2 album.
- You don't get a choice.Copy !req
148. So this is a robot version of me?Copy !req
149. Not just a robot version, Brian.
It's like another you,Copy !req
150. uploaded with your genetic code,
your cognitive patterns,Copy !req
151. and your entire life story.Copy !req
152. "Oh, no, Stewie's time machine broke,
and now we are stuck in the history past."Copy !req
153. Well, that is one of my catchphrases.Copy !req
154. - I don't talk that robotically, though.
- That'll go away. He will evolveCopy !req
155. as he gathers more and more data.Copy !req
156. "Fire hydrants, images."
"Fire hydrants, news."Copy !req
157. "Fire hydrants, near me."Copy !req
158. - Now what's he doing?
- Oh, he's also been uploadedCopy !req
159. with your Internet search history.Copy !req
160. "Yahoo Answers: Is Anton Yelchin's jeep
for sale?"Copy !req
161. - Ooh, shame on you, Brian.
- It's legitimate memorabilia!Copy !req
162. "Applebee's, Brittany, Quahog."Copy !req
163. "Brittany, Applebee's waitress, blonde."Copy !req
164. "Quahog, Applebee's, Brittany, who is."Copy !req
165. "Blonde waitress, Brittany,
Quahog, Applebee's."Copy !req
166. "Brittany Babbit, home address."Copy !req
167. Oh, good, you found it.Copy !req
168. - Peter? What are you doing here?
- I work here now.Copy !req
169. You what? Why would they hire you?Copy !req
170. I don't know that they did.
Nobody ever picks me, though.Copy !req
171. Just Bruce.
And his towel keeps falling off,Copy !req
172. and he keeps saying, "Oops."Copy !req
173. I don't know, the towels here
are very fally-offy.Copy !req
174. Damn it. Goodbye, Peter.Copy !req
175. - Where you goin'?
- Home.Copy !req
176. I can't come here anymore,
you've made it weird.Copy !req
177. You have one that looks like
snowboarder Chloe Kim?Copy !req
178. She turned 18, so I can
say that out loud now.Copy !req
179. Robot Brian,
it's so great that you're here.Copy !req
180. I need a partner for a project
I've been working on.Copy !req
181. But, sir, Dogbook was our idea.
It was stolen by Bark Zuckerbark.Copy !req
182. And who are you again?Copy !req
183. We're the Barklevoss twins. And… scene.Copy !req
184. - So, what do you think?
- I think it's great. I have no notes.Copy !req
185. It's called The Barkial Network.Copy !req
186. How come you didn't call it Barkbook?Copy !req
187. I thought you
said you didn't have any notes.Copy !req
188. I got you dropped from jury duty.Copy !req
189. Oh, great. What line did you use?Copy !req
190. "I have read about this exact case…"Copy !req
191. - That's good.
- "…on hotsy-totsy Nazi dot com."Copy !req
192. That's not good.Copy !req
193. - Hey, can robots do cocaine?
- What?Copy !req
194. Nothing, I was just, you know…Copy !req
195. Can they get cocaine?Copy !req
196. Hello, The Girls Aren't
the Girls in the Ad Massage.Copy !req
197. Oh, yes, the girls are
absolutely the girls in the ad.Copy !req
198. Freeze! Police!Copy !req
199. - What's going on?
- You're all under arrest.Copy !req
200. - Arrest? For what?
- This place is a brothel.Copy !req
201. - What does that mean?
- Your coworkers are engagedCopy !req
202. in the world's oldest profession.Copy !req
203. Lead singer of The Pretenders?Copy !req
204. No, Peter.
All these women are prostitutes.Copy !req
205. Cuff them, cop with a wife
who's taller than him.Copy !req
206. Uh, my name's Gary.Copy !req
207. I'm sorry, I'm bad with names,Copy !req
208. but I'm good
at remembering gigantic wives.Copy !req
209. So, what was Brittany Babbit like?Copy !req
210. Oh, you know, at Applebee's,
she's all like,Copy !req
211. "Hi, may I take your order?"
and at her bedroom window,Copy !req
212. she's all like, "Aah! Get out of here.
How'd you find my apartment?"Copy !req
213. Tale of two Brittanys, huh?Copy !req
214. Yeah, I mean, if you don't want
me showing up at your house,Copy !req
215. don't put a smiley face on my receipt.Copy !req
216. Uh, Your Honor, the defense rests.Copy !req
217. See, you get it.Copy !req
218. Have you read my book yet?Copy !req
219. I'm downloading it right now.Copy !req
220. It's beautiful.Copy !req
221. - Mm…
- Mm…Copy !req
222. Yeah, this is… this is fine.Copy !req
223. This isn't… this isn't weird.Copy !req
224. I'm a robot you. Mm.Copy !req
225. Post Raisin Bran.Copy !req
226. Proud sponsor of whatever
the hell's going on here.Copy !req
227. - Good morning, Brian.
- Hey.Copy !req
228. So, anything unusual happen
with Robot Brian last night?Copy !req
229. Anything you'd like to share?Copy !req
230. N-No. W-Why-why do you ask?Copy !req
231. Well, as it happens, your robot
has a rear panel sensor.Copy !req
232. Every time it's triggered, I get
a text, like a Google Alert.Copy !req
233. I… This is ridiculous.Copy !req
234. I don't even know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
235. Mm-hmm. You know he backs up
his hard drive every night, right?Copy !req
236. Though I guess you were also backing up
his hard drive last night, eh?Copy !req
237. Wiping that history?Copy !req
238. Ah, what else?
What other computer terms…Copy !req
239. What, the… Oh, getting some RAM?
A few megabytes?Copy !req
240. Logging in and logging out…Copy !req
241. Wow, there's a lot of computer
things that sound dirty.Copy !req
242. Okay, I admit it. I'm not made of stone.Copy !req
243. I fell for me.Copy !req
244. I know it seems strange,
but I'm gonna give it a chance.Copy !req
245. And don't worry, we're not gonna
be one of those cutesy couples.Copy !req
246. - Morning, RB.
- RB?Copy !req
247. Yeah, it stands for "Real Brian."Copy !req
248. Morning, RB. "Robot Brian."Copy !req
249. Well, much like every other "RBs,"
you are making me sick.Copy !req
250. Hey, did you get the license
plate of that handsome guyCopy !req
251. who ran me over last night?Copy !req
252. Ha, ha, clever.Copy !req
253. So is there anything
we need to talk about?Copy !req
254. I don't know. Is there anything
we need to talk about?Copy !req
255. - I guess not.
- Well, I guess not, too.Copy !req
256. - Thanks, RB.
- Back at you, RB.Copy !req
257. We just click together.Copy !req
258. Like all the pieces
in Chris's first model set.Copy !req
259. Okay, lay out the pieces,
find the cockpit,Copy !req
260. open the glue, take a sniff…Copy !req
261. …and this will be my life now.Copy !req
262. Joe, you got to help me.
My picture's in the paper and everything.Copy !req
263. Well, everybody knew that Bob Iger thing,
but you got to help me, Joe.Copy !req
264. No way. You should've thought
of that before you committedCopy !req
265. a victimless crime
between consenting adultsCopy !req
266. in a commercial arrangement
which also created jobsCopy !req
267. and contributed tax dollars
to the community.Copy !req
268. Now if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
269. I'm gonna go watch Bob Iger
drain threes at the local gym.Copy !req
270. We've got to think of something
to make Joe drop the charges.Copy !req
271. I don't know, he seemed pretty insistent.Copy !req
272. Trust me, Joe can be
pretty easily influenced.Copy !req
273. I get knocked down…Copy !req
274. Oh, no!Copy !req
275. But I get up againCopy !req
276. Yeah!Copy !req
277. You're never gonna keep me downCopy !req
278. Good!Copy !req
279. I get knocked downCopy !req
280. Oh, no!Copy !req
281. But I get up againCopy !req
282. Yeah!Copy !req
283. You're never gonna keep me…Copy !req
284. Ah…Copy !req
285. Ah…Copy !req
286. Sounds like that water's
pretty refreshing, huh?Copy !req
287. - Excuse me?
- No, nothing, you just made a weird noiseCopy !req
288. after you took that sip of water.Copy !req
289. RB, that's the sound you make
when you take a sip of water.Copy !req
290. What? No way, that's so annoying.Copy !req
291. I'd-I'd kill myself
if I sounded like that.Copy !req
292. Brian, don't forget, I'm you.Copy !req
293. Everything I do, I literally got from you.Copy !req
294. Well, not that.Copy !req
295. I think I know how to take a sip of waterCopy !req
296. without sounding
like a rock concert drum solo.Copy !req
297. Go ahead. Show me.Copy !req
298. Hmm? Mm-mm.Copy !req
299. Mm-mm-mm-mm.Copy !req
300. Ah…Copy !req
301. Joe's police rounds bring him
down this street.Copy !req
302. So the plan is we trick him into coming in
and getting an erotic massage.Copy !req
303. Then we blackmail him
into dropping Peter's charges.Copy !req
304. Right. And if someone makes
a joke about my weight,Copy !req
305. I laugh good-naturedly and then
go home and eat my feelings.Copy !req
306. Oh… Okay. That's part of
the plan you keep on the inside.Copy !req
307. Yeah. Next to the pizza
you had for breakfast.Copy !req
308. Here comes Joe. Places.Copy !req
309. La, la, la, la, unsuspecting song…Copy !req
310. Huh. "Miracle Leg Massage.
Walk Again, Joe."Copy !req
311. I don't know. What's the name
of this place, anyway?Copy !req
312. "Flip Joke Massage Parlor."Copy !req
313. Well, tempted as I may be,Copy !req
314. there is no way I'm going
in there for a massage.Copy !req
315. Ma'am, I assume you're giving me
a great message,Copy !req
316. but that's where it stops.Copy !req
317. I'll be a monkey's uncle
before I accept a sexual favor.Copy !req
318. And that's the story of how
your mother… my sister…Copy !req
319. got into college.Copy !req
320. Oh, Barnaby Bananas.Copy !req
321. You're certainly my smartest nephew,Copy !req
322. but Harvard is only for humans.Copy !req
323. No monkey will ever graduate from there.Copy !req
324. Barnaby Bananas.Copy !req
325. I tell you, Janine, I sure feel
dumb for what I said earlier.Copy !req
326. Congratulations, Janine. Also, Joe,Copy !req
327. we got pictures of you getting
a sexual favor a while back,Copy !req
328. so now you got to drop the charges.Copy !req
329. This'll never stick, Peter.
I know a top-notch Harvard-trained lawyer.Copy !req
330. An M.A. in urban planning?Copy !req
331. That's no help. All right, Peter, you win.Copy !req
332. - Really?
- Yup, I'm gonna drop all the charges.Copy !req
333. And now maybe you could drop
a few LBs, huh?Copy !req
334. - What?
- What?Copy !req
335. I do not laugh like that.Copy !req
336. Again, Brian, I'm you.Copy !req
337. I can't do it
unless you've already done it.Copy !req
338. You can't do it unless
I've already done it?Copy !req
339. What is this, Bark to the Future?Copy !req
340. Oh, my God, I do do that.Copy !req
341. Hey, Brian, I think I put in
a good day of writing.Copy !req
342. Check out what I did.Copy !req
343. - This is a blank screen.
- Exactly.Copy !req
344. - I spent all day working on the margins.
- The margins?Copy !req
345. Oh, yeah, you got
to get the margins right.Copy !req
346. They frame the page.Copy !req
347. They're like the corral, and
the words are my wild horses.Copy !req
348. It's my job to break those word horsesCopy !req
349. and ride them off into the green
pastures of prose and poetry.Copy !req
350. Stop! It's just so pretentious.Copy !req
351. Well, they're your words.Copy !req
352. No way. I would never say that.Copy !req
353. Words are my wild horses.Copy !req
354. It's my job to break those word horsesCopy !req
355. and ride them off into the green
pastures of prose and poetry.Copy !req
356. Sir, all I said was
your Discover card was declined.Copy !req
357. Turn it off, turn it off!Copy !req
358. God, I'm such a jerk.Copy !req
359. I hate you!Copy !req
360. Which means… I hate me.Copy !req
361. What did you just say?Copy !req
362. I said I hate me. I hate myself.Copy !req
363. You've made me realize…Copy !req
364. I hate myself.Copy !req
365. What the…Copy !req
366. Well done, Brian, well done.Copy !req
367. Stewie? What are you doing?
What the hell happened to RB?Copy !req
368. - RB served his purpose.
- Which was what?Copy !req
369. To show you that the last thing
you need is a detailed accountCopy !req
370. - of who you are and what you do.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
371. Brian, you wanted to write
your autobiography.Copy !req
372. And I needed to show you that no oneCopy !req
373. wants to read your autobiography,
not even you.Copy !req
374. - Because…
- Because your best is middling,Copy !req
375. your worst is intolerable,
and when you die,Copy !req
376. the most you'll want written about you
is "He Was a Good Boy" on your tombstone.Copy !req
377. And even that will be a complete lie.Copy !req
378. I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie.Copy !req
379. We now return
to The Talking Talking Dead,Copy !req
380. the show that talks about the show
that talks about The Walking Dead.Copy !req
381. Okay, so what do we think about
what they thought about stuff?Copy !req
382. It was awesome.
Oh, my God, it was so greatCopy !req
383. how they thought
that other show was so great.Copy !req
384. Yeah, totally.
And that one part of the showCopy !req
385. where the guy was talking about
that one part of the other showCopy !req
386. and how he didn't see that coming?
I did not see that coming.Copy !req
387. This is just too much to process.Copy !req
388. I need an after show
after this after show,Copy !req
389. just to know what I just saw about
what I just saw about what I just saw.Copy !req
390. - Well done, Chris.
- Thank you.Copy !req
391. And Brian, you certainly had
yourself an adventure.Copy !req
392. I sure did.Copy !req
393. Hey, whatever happened
to Robot Brian anyway?Copy !req
394. He moved down to the marina.
I hear he's doing pretty well.Copy !req
395. It's been like this all morning.Copy !req
396. I'm actually starting to get
a little worried, you know?Copy !req
397. It's not a bionic robot. It can break.Copy !req
398. What's that swoosh?Copy !req
399. He's got a mouth sensor, too.Copy !req
400. And remember, Brian, he wouldn't
do anything you wouldn't do.Copy !req
401. He's you.Copy !req
402. It's rather musical, isn't it?Copy !req
403. Sounds like the "Carol of the Bells."Copy !req
404. Oh, I'm getting a call.Copy !req
405. Oh, no, it's Allison Janney.
Decline, decline!Copy !req
406. I tell you, Lois, being a masseuse
is a tough job.Copy !req
407. But it all just goes to show
that basicallyCopy !req
408. every licensed massage therapist
in this country is a prostitute.Copy !req
409. Oh, yeah. You can pretty much
do whatever you wantCopy !req
410. with any masseuse ever,
because they're all prostitutes.Copy !req
411. And it's not just the masseuses.Copy !req
412. If you're ever seeing,
like, a physical therapist,Copy !req
413. or doing yoga with a private
instructor? Just go for it.Copy !req
414. There's, like, an 80% chance
you'll get there.Copy !req
415. But Peter, there's-there's
one thing I still don't get.Copy !req
416. Why did you take the massage job
in the first place?Copy !req
417. For you, Lois.
I did it to earn enough moneyCopy !req
418. to buy a comb for your beautiful hair.Copy !req
419. Oh, Peter, didn't you know?Copy !req
420. I sold my beautiful hair to buy
you a bottle of massage oil.Copy !req
421. Great. So now I'm an unemployed
masseuse with a bald wife.Copy !req
422. Merry Christmas.Copy !req