1. ? It seems today
that all you see?Copy !req
2. ? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV?Copy !req
3. ? But where are those
good old-fashioned values?Copy !req
4. ? On which we used to rely?Copy !req
5. ? Lucky there's a family guy?Copy !req
6. ? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do?Copy !req
7. ? All the things that make us?Copy !req
8. ? Laugh and cry?Copy !req
9. ? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!Copy !req
10. Previously on Family Guy...Copy !req
11. Dad's working
for the Trump White House?Copy !req
12. Uh, hey, Stewie,
can we do that again?Copy !req
13. Maybe a little more energy?Copy !req
14. Uh, no?Copy !req
15. I-I think we can use it.Copy !req
16. Oh, yay, that's awesome.Copy !req
17. ?Copy !req
18. Wow, the White House is great.Copy !req
19. There's no wonder
you spend two days a week here.Copy !req
20. I'm sorry,
can you hang on a sec?Copy !req
21. Got to close this window.Copy !req
22. Melania's out there
blowing bubbles for Eric.Copy !req
23. Dad, I got one in my mouth.Copy !req
24. It tastes like soap!Copy !req
25. Tremendous. Amazing.Copy !req
26. Okay, Peter, your main job here
is to go in rooms before meCopy !req
27. to make sure
there's no static electricity.Copy !req
28. Don't go in there.
It's not safe.Copy !req
29. Well done, Peter.Copy !req
30. Everyone,
welcome to our new place.Copy !req
31. I think we're gonna enjoy
the Beltway lifestyle.Copy !req
32. Washington, D.C. is
a wonderful city to call home.Copy !req
33. And will we be putting our kids
in the local public schools?Copy !req
34. No, I would not recommend it.Copy !req
35. Dibs on the bedroom
in which an intern got murdered.Copy !req
36. Aw, I want
the intern murder bedroom!Copy !req
37. There's no need to fight, kids.Copy !req
38. An intern has been murdered
in each of the bedrooms.Copy !req
39. Well, I think this sucks.Copy !req
40. I want to go back to Quahog.Copy !req
41. But we just got here, sweetie.Copy !req
42. Tomorrow, at James Woods High,Copy !req
43. it's Scoliosis Spine Check Day.Copy !req
44. It's the one day a year
I get touched!Copy !req
45. Meg, your father got
this great new opportunity,Copy !req
46. and we need to support him.Copy !req
47. Let's give D.C. a chance, huh?Copy !req
48. Yeah, Meg, trust me—Copy !req
49. before long,
we'll fit right in here,Copy !req
50. like a cowboy
in a Chinese Starbucks.Copy !req
51. This is the most strangest
place ever.Copy !req
52. Yee! Ha!Copy !req
53. Oh, this ain't so different.Copy !req
54. Oh, this is so exciting!Copy !req
55. I've never been to a fancy
White House party before.Copy !req
56. We're happy you're here,
Mrs. Griffin, Mr. Griffin.Copy !req
57. And we're glad you brought
your two childrenCopy !req
58. and former Governor
Chris Christie.Copy !req
59. That's, like, the fourth person
who's called Meg Chris Christie.Copy !req
60. Aw, sweetie,
I'm sorry everyone thinksCopy !req
61. you're a historically unpopular
fatso from New Jersey.Copy !req
62. Whatever.
I just want to go home.Copy !req
63. Oh, you can't go home yet!Copy !req
64. We haven't even served dinner.Copy !req
65. And I hope
you saved your appetite,Copy !req
66. because, later,
we're all wiping our assCopy !req
67. with the Constitution.Copy !req
68. Hi, Brian Griffin.Copy !req
69. They let me write some
of the liberal jokes.Copy !req
70. How you liking 'em?Copy !req
71. Good, there's more coming.Copy !req
72. Folks, to drink this evening,
we've got red wine,Copy !req
73. white wine,
and a fifth of bourbon.Copy !req
74. What'll you have, disgraced
political oddity Roger Stone?Copy !req
75. I'll take the fifth.Copy !req
76. That works on two levels.Copy !req
77. Layered.Copy !req
78. Man, the Trump White House
is so awesome.Copy !req
79. And for sure it's not crawling
with Russians.Copy !req
80. That's for actual,Copy !req
81. other American at this party.Copy !req
82. So, what kinds of thingsCopy !req
83. do you hearing
from our Mr. USA President?Copy !req
84. I don't know, fellow American,Copy !req
85. but here's my Gmail log-in
and password,Copy !req
86. 'cause I know
I can trust you with it.Copy !req
87. Wonderful.Copy !req
88. Now, to please excuse,Copy !req
89. I have very aching gut
from eating so much apple cake.Copy !req
90. Ha! Doesn't get
more American than that.Copy !req
91. Sorry!
I'm just looking for the exit.Copy !req
92. I didn't mean to...Copy !req
93. Holy girl boner.Copy !req
94. ? Ivanka Trump?Copy !req
95. ? Has a gentle breeze indoors. ?Copy !req
96. Tell those kids, if they ever
want to see their parents again,Copy !req
97. they'll make the shoes!Copy !req
98. Do you know
who you're dealing with?Copy !req
99. My husband is the son of a felonCopy !req
100. who went to prison for
blackmailing his brother-in-lawCopy !req
101. by entrapping him
with a prostituteCopy !req
102. and then mailing a copy
of the tape to his own sister!Copy !req
103. ? All that stuff?Copy !req
104. ? Happened for real. ?Copy !req
105. Is everything okay?Copy !req
106. Huh? Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
107. Sorry to be out of sorts.
I just...Copy !req
108. Sometimes I wish
I could meet someone elseCopy !req
109. whose dad is a fat idiot who
once had a hit television showCopy !req
110. and who, over time,
has worn out his welcome.Copy !req
111. - You know, Meg's dad is als...
- Shut up, Tiffany.Copy !req
112. Yeah. Shut up, Tiffany.Copy !req
113. Meg, I think you'd look amazingCopy !req
114. in my brand
of lifestyle productsCopy !req
115. that are designed to represent
a poor person's ideaCopy !req
116. of what a rich person
would wear.Copy !req
117. - You think so?
- Trust me.Copy !req
118. When I'm done with you,
you'll be pretty enough to marryCopy !req
119. an Orthodox Jewish son
of a felonCopy !req
120. who's too stupid to get
into Harvard the normal way.Copy !req
121. And whose voice is way higher
than you thought it would be?Copy !req
122. Hi, honey. Ready for dinner?Copy !req
123. Stewie, where have you been?Copy !req
124. Ugh, many
American baby things am I doing.Copy !req
125. So, what is your favorite
ballistic missile launch codes?Copy !req
126. Whoa, is that Meg?Copy !req
127. ?Copy !req
128. That girl is pretty.Copy !req
129. So pretty by D.C. standards.Copy !req
130. With Geico, you can save
up to 15% on car insurance.Copy !req
131. Wow! Two-thirds of the people
here are talking about me.Copy !req
132. Because you're beautiful, Meg.Copy !req
133. Thanks to you.Copy !req
134. Come on, let me introduce you
to the president.Copy !req
135. He's kind of like my boyfriend.Copy !req
136. Hang on.
He's still getting ready.Copy !req
137. Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.Copy !req
138. - Pleased to meet you.
- I've got to run, Dad.Copy !req
139. Thanks again for getting me
plastic surgery in my teens.Copy !req
140. Um, yeah, anyway,Copy !req
141. it's an honor to meet you,
Mr. President.Copy !req
142. This is amazing.Copy !req
143. Yesterday, I was at Quahog Pond,Copy !req
144. pulling out carps
just to watch them suffocate.Copy !req
145. And now look at me,Copy !req
146. with the winner
of the 46th-largestCopy !req
147. electoral college victory
of all time.Copy !req
148. And, I got to say,
I'm a huge fanCopy !req
149. of your board game
and your beef productsCopy !req
150. and your fraudulent university
and...Copy !req
151. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, please.Copy !req
152. Every president
since Washington has done this.Copy !req
153. Dearest Martha,Copy !req
154. I cannot wait
to once again place my handCopy !req
155. onto your Gates of Venus.Copy !req
156. My darling Bess,Copy !req
157. tonight, I'm going
to drop the Big OneCopy !req
158. onto your Pacific theater.Copy !req
159. Hey,
Barbara Bush, working late.Copy !req
160. Sleeping in office.Copy !req
161. Crazy headache.Copy !req
162. You look like my mom.Copy !req
163. Good afternoon,
I'm Tim Tucker,Copy !req
164. not my twin brother, Tom.Copy !req
165. Our top story: mentally
challenged boys' T-shirts.Copy !req
166. Are they getting even longer?Copy !req
167. Um, guys,
I got to tell you something.Copy !req
168. Last night,
at the White House,Copy !req
169. President Trump
touched me inappropriately.Copy !req
170. - What?
- Meg, that's my boss, all right?Copy !req
171. This is my career
you're talking about.Copy !req
172. I spent a whole day
working on this.Copy !req
173. You want me to just
throw away in one dayCopy !req
174. what I've spent a whole day
trying to build?Copy !req
175. A whole day's worth of work,
poof, gone in a day!Copy !req
176. Meg, you expect us to believeCopy !req
177. that the president
of the United StatesCopy !req
178. would grab a woman
by her?Copy !req
179. That's ridiculous!Copy !req
180. How could you not believe me?Copy !req
181. Oh, hang on. CNN's on,Copy !req
182. where I'm the loudest guy
on an overcrowded panel.Copy !req
183. This country needs
stronger border security.Copy !req
184. Our border security
is the strongest in the world.Copy !req
185. What we need
is to take care of our children.Copy !req
186. I can't get an erection!Copy !req
187. You think giving them amnestyCopy !req
188. is fair to the people
who are already here?Copy !req
189. They're contributing
to the economy.Copy !req
190. I've tried all the herbs!Copy !req
191. Amnesty is never the answer.Copy !req
192. It's not amnesty.Copy !req
193. It's recognizing their
contributions to our country.Copy !req
194. They said to meditate,
but I keep fallin' asleep!Copy !req
195. We need stronger vetting.Copy !req
196. And to enforce the laws
already on the books.Copy !req
197. I'm terrified
of being alone with my wife!Copy !req
198. It's too much pressure!Copy !req
199. Well, nothing's
ever gonna changeCopy !req
200. if Congress
isn't willing to compromise.Copy !req
201. - Exactly my point.
- A wall would solve this.Copy !req
202. I wake up with an erection,Copy !req
203. but never
when she's in the bed with me!Copy !req
204. A wall would solve nothing.Copy !req
205. These children have rights.Copy !req
206. I spent three grand
on a Sandals vacation,Copy !req
207. thinking that might do it!Copy !req
208. Know what it was?Copy !req
209. Me being limp on a lazy river!Copy !req
210. Well, that's all the time
we have.Copy !req
211. - Thank you to Peter Griffin...
- No!Copy !req
212. Don't send me home to my wife!Copy !req
213. Democrats.Copy !req
214. That's why we went to Sandals?Copy !req
215. Dad, did you hear what I said?Copy !req
216. Sorry, Meg, I got to go to work.Copy !req
217. What? You're still gonna work
for that manCopy !req
218. after he assaulted me?Copy !req
219. Meg, you got to stop
with these stories.Copy !req
220. People hate a liar.Copy !req
221. Just like closed captioning
stenographers hatedCopy !req
222. the Sleepy Hollow guy
for some reason.Copy !req
223. Did he carry a broadax?Copy !req
224. The mark on his hand—Copy !req
225. was it a bow?Copy !req
226. Oh, no.
No, no, no, it can't be.Copy !req
227. When I cut off his head.Copy !req
228. Okay, I'll take your questions.Copy !req
229. Me With A Fake Mustache.Copy !req
230. America wants to know
what you're packin' up there.Copy !req
231. I've heard 11 inches. True?Copy !req
232. All right,
that's enough from you.Copy !req
233. Me With A Funny Hat.Copy !req
234. I also have heard 11 inches.Copy !req
235. Okay, any non-11-inch questions?Copy !req
236. Me With An Old-Timey Wig.Copy !req
237. I've heard four handbreadths.Copy !req
238. Mr. President, the press
briefing went very well.Copy !req
239. Many people are sayingCopy !req
240. it was the best press briefing
in all of history.Copy !req
241. Mr. Griffin, you're not speaking
to President Trump.Copy !req
242. That's a butternut squash.Copy !req
243. Oh. Well, if this lumpy orange
garbage vegetable is here,Copy !req
244. then where's
President Donald Trump?Copy !req
245. Mr. President, please,Copy !req
246. I'm not interested.Copy !req
247. You'll regret this.Copy !req
248. Oh, my God.Copy !req
249. Bob's Burgers is on!Copy !req
250. This show speaks
to us young people, apparently.Copy !req
251. That show— and-and I mean
no disrespect when I say this—Copy !req
252. but that show looks like
it was animated in a moving car.Copy !req
253. And again, no disrespect,
wonderful people over there,Copy !req
254. but... oh, my God, President
Trump is assaulting Meg!Copy !req
255. I can't believe what
I just saw, Mr. President!Copy !req
256. What would your third wife,Copy !req
257. the soft-core girl-on-girl
porn lady, think about this?Copy !req
258. Or the actual porn star
your lawyer paid hush money to?Copy !req
259. I'm so sorry we didn't
believe you earlier, sweetie.Copy !req
260. Yeah, where do you get off
behaving like this?Copy !req
261. - Why shouldn't I? You do.
- What?Copy !req
262. When you walked through that
door, you insulted Bob's BurgersCopy !req
263. and the hundreds of people
who work there.Copy !req
264. Well, I was just kidding around.Copy !req
265. No, you weren't.
You're just jealousCopy !req
266. 'cause it wins all the Emmys
and the kids love it.Copy !req
267. You seem to know a lot
about Bob's Burgers.Copy !req
268. Of course I do.Copy !req
269. Bob's Burgers
is my favorite animated show.Copy !req
270. Wow. There's your headline,
Emmy voters.Copy !req
271. Vote your conscience.Copy !req
272. Anyway, my point is,Copy !req
273. if Peter Griffin gets to be
a jerk all the time,Copy !req
274. then why can't Donald Trump?Copy !req
275. Huh.Copy !req
276. That is not the...
dumbest thing you've ever said.Copy !req
277. So are we square?Copy !req
278. No.Copy !req
279. No, President Trump, we are not!Copy !req
280. I quit!Copy !req
281. - What?
- That's right.Copy !req
282. And you know what else?
My days of being meanCopy !req
283. and insulting are over!Copy !req
284. From here on out,Copy !req
285. I'm gonna be the nice,
kind Peter Griffin.Copy !req
286. You can't walk out on me.Copy !req
287. I'm the president.Copy !req
288. Well, you're not
a very good one.Copy !req
289. Like that guy.Copy !req
290. Or-or that one.Copy !req
291. Or that one.Copy !req
292. Hey, which one is that, anyway?Copy !req
293. I'm Grover Cleveland,Copy !req
294. the only president to be married
in the White House.Copy !req
295. Oh, what a nice story.Copy !req
296. It's a great story.
I married a girlCopy !req
297. who I'd raised since
the time she was 11 years old.Copy !req
298. - Oh.
- Well, that guy's
not getting a musical.Copy !req
299. We now return
to Pirates of the Caribbean,Copy !req
300. where the sound guy
put the microphone too closeCopy !req
301. to Johnny Depp's
jangling bracelets.Copy !req
302. Hold it right there, Sparrow.Copy !req
303. This is the day
you will always rememberCopy !req
304. as the day you almost caught
Captain Jack Sparrow.Copy !req
305. - What?
- I said...Copy !req
306. I've spent $65 millionCopy !req
307. on vacation homes
and daytime wine.Copy !req
308. All right, turn off
that cheap celebrity slam.Copy !req
309. The Griffins are gonna be
better than that now.Copy !req
310. - What?
- You heard me.Copy !req
311. We are done being mean
and insulting,Copy !req
312. like Donald Trump is.
From now on,Copy !req
313. this family's
gonna be nice and supportive.Copy !req
314. Oh. So if we're being nice now,Copy !req
315. maybe you have nice things
to say to me, Dad.Copy !req
316. Uh... of course I do.Copy !req
317. Your hair is, um...Copy !req
318. very... hat.Copy !req
319. You're a... hat owner.Copy !req
320. You're also hatted.Copy !req
321. Why does he keep
coming back to the hat?Copy !req
322. Peter, stop.
Your nipples are bleeding.Copy !req
323. All right, fine,
I'm not a nice person.Copy !req
324. I'm sick of complimenting
your hat!Copy !req
325. I knew that fat man
couldn't keep this up.Copy !req
326. He always buckles
under pressure.Copy !req
327. Yeah, you're right.
Like at that Billy Joel concert.Copy !req
328. ? Da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da?Copy !req
329. ? Da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da?Copy !req
330. ? Da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da?Copy !req
331. ? Da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da?Copy !req
332. ? Uptown girl!Copy !req
333. ?Copy !req
334. Trump!Copy !req
335. Who are you?
I have dementia.Copy !req
336. Peter Griffin.Copy !req
337. Look, you were right.Copy !req
338. I can be insulting sometimes,
I admit it.Copy !req
339. But so what? I'm just a guy
from Rhode Island.Copy !req
340. You're the President
of the United States!Copy !req
341. You're not just a guy
from Rhode Island.Copy !req
342. You're Peter Griffin
from Family Guy.Copy !req
343. Many children have learned
their favorite Jewish, blackCopy !req
344. and gay jokes by watching
your show over the years.Copy !req
345. In fairness, we've been trying
to phase out the gay stuff.Copy !req
346. But you know what?
We're a cartoon.Copy !req
347. You can turn us off.
You're the president.Copy !req
348. We can't turn you off.Copy !req
349. And you're on,
like, all the time!Copy !req
350. Yes, tremendous ratings.Copy !req
351. Our Leslie Nielsen ratings
are the highest in history.Copy !req
352. Surely you can't be serious.Copy !req
353. I am serious.
And don't call me Leslie.Copy !req
354. Ugh. You really do find a way
to screw everything up.Copy !req
355. If I screwed up so bad,
how come I'm a billionaire?Copy !req
356. Billionaire? Please.Copy !req
357. You're worth $700 mil
on the high side.Copy !req
358. And most of that is borrowed
or tied up and underwater.Copy !req
359. That's why you ain't
releasin' your taxes, Trump.Copy !req
360. You're cash poor!Copy !req
361. Say that again.Copy !req
362. I dare you.Copy !req
363. You...Copy !req
364. are cash...Copy !req
365. poor.Copy !req
366. ?Copy !req
367. Peter! Catch!Copy !req
368. Kill him in front of me,
and I sex you.Copy !req
369. Yah!Copy !req
370. Yah!Copy !req
371. Aah!Copy !req
372. Yah!Copy !req
373. ?Copy !req
374. Sarah, any update?Copy !req
375. I haven't had the chance
to ask the presidentCopy !req
376. if he is fighting
with Peter Griffin.Copy !req
377. Oh!Copy !req
378. - Yah!
- Yah!Copy !req
379. I wrote that one.Copy !req
380. Why are we
so damn divided, America?Copy !req
381. ?Copy !req
382. making Neil ArmstrongCopy !req
383. the first man
to walk on the Moon.Copy !req
384. Who knows,
maybe someone listening to thisCopy !req
385. might be the first chicken
to walk on the Moon.Copy !req
386. ?Copy !req
387. I got a sillier plane.Copy !req
388. ?Copy !req
389. Peter!Copy !req
390. Grab my hand!Copy !req
391. I can't! It's too little!Copy !req
392. Wha...?
Who... who put this here?Copy !req
393. I did. Sure hope that's okay.Copy !req
394. Justin Trudeau?Copy !req
395. The hunky prime minister
of Canada?Copy !req
396. He's not that hunky.Copy !req
397. Very weak borders.Copy !req
398. I was just kayakin' past,Copy !req
399. and it looked like
you guys could use some help.Copy !req
400. - Everything okay?
- No, yeah, we're good.Copy !req
401. He touched my daughter,
but I punched him,Copy !req
402. like, a hundred times,
so we're fine now.Copy !req
403. I punched you,
like, a million times.Copy !req
404. I punched you infinity times.Copy !req
405. I punched you
infinity plus one times.Copy !req
406. - Damn it!
- Right on!Copy !req
407. Well, then, I'll just go do
some awesome Canada stuff.Copy !req
408. Hey, call me if you
ever need help movin'.Copy !req
409. Trudeau, away...!Copy !req
410. That guy's the best.Copy !req
411. You know who's really the best?Copy !req
412. Putin. Putin's the best.Copy !req
413. Yes, he is.
Putin is the best.Copy !req
414. Ha! I write this part.Copy !req
415. Am I not to be a stinker?Copy !req
416. Bye-bye, American
situation comedy with drawings.Copy !req
417. I'm glad we're back in Quahog.Copy !req
418. And just in time to see
my appearance on Jeopardy!Copy !req
419. - Peter?
- What is...Copy !req
420. it like to have an erection?Copy !req
421. I'm sorry, we were looking for
"the electromagnetic spectrum."Copy !req
422. Betty, still your board.Copy !req
423. I was not included
in the final round.Copy !req
424. I'll tell you one thing, I'm
not gonna miss Washington, D.C.Copy !req
425. Well, we had a lot of fun this
week and changed zero minds.Copy !req
426. If you want to learn more
about our president,Copy !req
427. consult the Steele dossier,Copy !req
428. which is all about
getting peed on.Copy !req
429. He also, with whole heart
and full throat,Copy !req
430. endorsed a pedophile
for the United States Senate.Copy !req
431. That didn't fit
into tonight's narrative,Copy !req
432. but should not be forgotten.Copy !req
433. And I am a proud hat owner.Copy !req
434. Shut up, Meg.Copy !req
435. From our family to yours,
we're very frightened.Copy !req
436. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req