1. It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TVCopy !req
2. But where are those
Good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
3. On which we used to rely?Copy !req
4. Lucky there's a family guyCopy !req
5. Lucky there's a man who
Positively can doCopy !req
6. All the things that make usCopy !req
7. Laugh and cry!Copy !req
8. He's a family guy!Copy !req
9. Brian, why are you dressed like a doucheCopy !req
10. who hangs out with multiracial friendsCopy !req
11. in a McDonald's commercial?Copy !req
12. Okay.Copy !req
13. All right, that'll do.Copy !req
14. Well, I'm heading out. See y'all.Copy !req
15. Hey, Brian, that hat
makes you look like a wang.Copy !req
16. Squat and white with a dark mushroom cap,Copy !req
17. - like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true?Copy !req
18. Yes.Copy !req
19. Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laidCopy !req
20. - at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.Copy !req
21. I'm not just out for sex.Copy !req
22. I want a woman who I can spend
the rest of my life with.Copy !req
23. I simply haven't found her yet.Copy !req
24. And you never will, because the truth is,Copy !req
25. you're a selfish horndog who's
getting too old for the game.Copy !req
26. I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingoCopy !req
27. of today's lady down pat.Copy !req
28. Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?Copy !req
29. Ladies.Copy !req
30. How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?Copy !req
31. That seems kind of wack, right?Copy !req
32. Like, zero chill.Copy !req
33. I can't understand you.Copy !req
34. Does anyone here speak Old Dude?Copy !req
35. Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?Copy !req
36. Another bourbon, please.Copy !req
37. - Shut up, dick.
- Wha…Copy !req
38. - Why do I come here?
- Tell me about it.Copy !req
39. He called me a dick earlier.Copy !req
40. - I'm Jess.
- Thanks. I'm Brian.Copy !req
41. Well, Jess, bottoms up.Copy !req
42. If you're lucky.Copy !req
43. So, this place, uh…Copy !req
44. It's worse than Syria, don't you think?Copy !req
45. Yes! Everything about it is awful.Copy !req
46. The people, the music…Copy !req
47. - If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.Copy !req
48. Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.Copy !req
49. I like you, Brian.Copy !req
50. You actually say what's on your mind.Copy !req
51. Hey, life's too short, right?Copy !req
52. Tell me about it.Copy !req
53. I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.Copy !req
54. Oh, you know, cancer?Copy !req
55. Oh, my God, I thoughtl smelled cancer.Copy !req
56. Still want to go back to my place?Copy !req
57. Sounds great. Or, as young people say,Copy !req
58. "Hashtag yes!"Copy !req
59. - Whew!
- That was incredible.Copy !req
60. And, hey, sorry I barked
when you took your pants off.Copy !req
61. I thought it was a squirrel.Copy !req
62. Ready to go again?Copy !req
63. Oh, I need time.Copy !req
64. I'm still recovering
from that one thing you didCopy !req
65. that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be describedCopy !req
66. on lame, dying network TV.Copy !req
67. Have you always been so…Copy !req
68. Freaky? No. But when I got my diagnosis,Copy !req
69. I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff I want to try.Copy !req
70. Jess, I would like to help you cross offCopy !req
71. every single item on this list.Copy !req
72. Aw. You would do that for me?Copy !req
73. All except for number 17.Copy !req
74. I'm allergic to chocolate.Copy !req
75. But isn't that only if you eat it?Copy !req
76. You know what? Let me make a phone call.Copy !req
77. Oh…Copy !req
78. Yeah!Copy !req
79. Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend could join usCopy !req
80. - for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.Copy !req
81. And when she gets back from the bathroom,Copy !req
82. none of you say anything about cancer.Copy !req
83. I'm serious. I really enjoy
spending time with this woman,Copy !req
84. and I don't want you ruining it for me.Copy !req
85. - Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course. We got it.Copy !req
86. Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.Copy !req
87. It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.Copy !req
88. Oh, it's no problem, Jess.Copy !req
89. We're happy to have you.Copy !req
90. Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?Copy !req
91. I prefer the limbs.Copy !req
92. I got a "limb fo' Ma."Copy !req
93. Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?Copy !req
94. Anyone seen any good movies lately?Copy !req
95. I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.Copy !req
96. Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie,Copy !req
97. except The Terminal.Copy !req
98. There's nothing worse than
when you're flipping channels,Copy !req
99. and you're like, "Oh, God, it's Terminal.Copy !req
100. "Don't say it's Terminal.Copy !req
101. "God, what have I done to deserve this?Copy !req
102. "Why does it have to be Terminal?"Copy !req
103. Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie.Copy !req
104. Catch Me If You Can, sir.Copy !req
105. You have literally
never called Peter "sir."Copy !req
106. Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw a boomerang,Copy !req
107. but it's true.Copy !req
108. See? I told you. But at least
I don't have cancer,Copy !req
109. - like your girlfriend.
- That's it.Copy !req
110. I'm getting you out of here.Copy !req
111. I like your family. They're scumbags.Copy !req
112. I like you.Copy !req
113. No, Jess…Copy !req
114. I really like you.Copy !req
115. I can't remember the last time
I felt this happy.Copy !req
116. I feel dizzy.Copy !req
117. Me, too.Copy !req
118. This all happened so fast, I…Copy !req
119. Jess? Are you okay?Copy !req
120. Jess?Copy !req
121. Are you guys still leaving?Copy !req
122. Oh. Yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
123. Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?Copy !req
124. I'm afraid Jess' condition is too seriousCopy !req
125. to be announced by Dr. Hartman.Copy !req
126. So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.Copy !req
127. - Oh, boy.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
128. Jess, I'll come right out and say it.Copy !req
129. The cancer did not respond to treatmentCopy !req
130. and has spread throughout your body.Copy !req
131. You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.Copy !req
132. Oh, my God.Copy !req
133. Oh…Copy !req
134. I'm so sorry, Jess.Copy !req
135. If there's anything I can do…Copy !req
136. No, you've been great.Copy !req
137. I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.Copy !req
138. I'm just some womanCopy !req
139. who never got to have
the career she wantedCopy !req
140. or get married or have kids.Copy !req
141. One of those things you can do.Copy !req
142. It would be my honorCopy !req
143. if you spent the rest of your lifeCopy !req
144. as my bride.Copy !req
145. Oh, Brian. Yes!Copy !req
146. Oh, this is my vet.Copy !req
147. Hello?Copy !req
148. Oh, great.Copy !req
149. Well, some good news.Copy !req
150. That chocolate thing from the bucket list?Copy !req
151. We're all good. Let's do it.Copy !req
152. Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.Copy !req
153. Brian? It would mean the world to meCopy !req
154. if you wore my tux
from when I got married.Copy !req
155. I love you, buddy.Copy !req
156. Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.Copy !req
157. And… Wha… Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?Copy !req
158. Yup. In case of emergencies.Copy !req
159. My invention. Called it the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
160. Got it patented in '97
and went into business.Copy !req
161. Shot a local commercial and everything.Copy !req
162. I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
163. Are you about to walk down the aisleCopy !req
164. and afraid you'll leave it brown?Copy !req
165. Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?Copy !req
166. Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?Copy !req
167. Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
168. Don't take my word for it.Copy !req
169. Ask famous Hollywood actor-
slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.Copy !req
170. On NYPD Blue, I'm known for packin' heat.Copy !req
171. But every year, when I go to the Emmys,Copy !req
172. the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.Copy !req
173. Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.Copy !req
174. And the winner is…Copy !req
175. Your socks and shoes.Copy !req
176. The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.Copy !req
177. Want to know why?Copy !req
178. "555" means it is not
an actual phone number.Copy !req
179. I truly wish I had known that.Copy !req
180. Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.Copy !req
181. So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.Copy !req
182. I'm not. I want you to be the ring bearer,Copy !req
183. and wear a vest and a boutonniereCopy !req
184. - and carry a satin pillow…
- Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.Copy !req
185. But it's still wrong. There's no wayCopy !req
186. you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to dieCopy !req
187. - in two weeks.
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
188. Did you know that Lois was so movedCopy !req
189. she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me and Jess?Copy !req
190. And now get out your tissues,
it's a real-life Quahog versionCopy !req
191. of The Fault in Our Stars,Copy !req
192. the novel and hit movie your
gay nephew quotes on Facebook.Copy !req
193. My name is Jess.Copy !req
194. I have cancer.Copy !req
195. But cancer doesn't have me.Copy !req
196. My name is Brian.Copy !req
197. I have a diseaseCopy !req
198. called love.Copy !req
199. It may have started in my penis,Copy !req
200. but it spread to my heart.Copy !req
201. And, Brian, when you learned
Jess had only weeks to live,Copy !req
202. you proposed.Copy !req
203. Yep. Got in right under the wire.Copy !req
204. No one's ever loved me like Brian does.Copy !req
205. You know, sometimes at night I
just watch Jess sleep for hours.Copy !req
206. And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"Copy !req
207. And she says, "Yeah," and
then I go, "All right, good."Copy !req
208. I'm, uh… I'm sorry.Copy !req
209. I'm sorry to be a puss.Copy !req
210. Hey, pal.Copy !req
211. Listen, I kn… I know
we've had our differences,Copy !req
212. - but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.Copy !req
213. Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor partyCopy !req
214. of all time. It's gonna be crazierCopy !req
215. than whatever Kanye West is
doing at this particular moment.Copy !req
216. I'm giving this lasagna a massageCopy !req
217. while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.Copy !req
218. Thank you for your interest.Copy !req
219. This is delicious.Copy !req
220. Hmm. I still think the butter creamCopy !req
221. was the best cake I've thrown up so far.Copy !req
222. Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!Copy !req
223. Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.Copy !req
224. Are you the dog
who's marrying the cancer girl?Copy !req
225. Oh, uh, yeah, I am.Copy !req
226. Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!Copy !req
227. You are just the best person.
I can't even.Copy !req
228. How's she doing?Copy !req
229. Honestly, not well.Copy !req
230. She's only got 10 days.Copy !req
231. So in 10 days you'll be alone?Copy !req
232. I guess.Copy !req
233. Well, maybe not.Copy !req
234. I'll give you my number.Copy !req
235. Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.Copy !req
236. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.Copy !req
237. I'm not sure that's a complete number,Copy !req
238. but I'm gonna call you first.Copy !req
239. Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attentionCopy !req
240. since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.Copy !req
241. - Look.
- There he is.Copy !req
242. That's him.Copy !req
243. That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.Copy !req
244. Hello, Brian, I'm Jess' mother, Helen.Copy !req
245. Oh, hey.Copy !req
246. Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you.Copy !req
247. I was thinking maybe you could
move in with me and Jess,Copy !req
248. because I know you'd want
to be with her for her final days.Copy !req
249. Well, now, thank you, Brian.Copy !req
250. That is such a sweet offer.Copy !req
251. I would love to be there.Copy !req
252. Now, you have a blessed day.Copy !req
253. Oh… Oh, no.Copy !req
254. We's all gathered hereCopy !req
255. to join this couple in holy matrimony.Copy !req
256. Yet another weddingCopy !req
257. I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.Copy !req
258. We's just waiting for his mama to die.Copy !req
259. We've written our own vows.Copy !req
260. Oh, no.Copy !req
261. Brian, I… I haven't known you that long.Copy !req
262. But these past weeks,Copy !req
263. I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.Copy !req
264. I vow to honor you and cherish youCopy !req
265. until the day I die,Copy !req
266. a week from Wednesday.Copy !req
267. I'm so happy to place this ringCopy !req
268. on the weird dog thumb you have
halfway up your arm.Copy !req
269. Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.Copy !req
270. But what we have is this moment,Copy !req
271. and I wouldn't trade it for anything.Copy !req
272. With this ring, I vow to honor
you and cherish youCopy !req
273. for the rest of the month.Copy !req
274. Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?Copy !req
275. I do.Copy !req
276. Yay!Copy !req
277. How about you, doggie?Copy !req
278. Samesies?Copy !req
279. I do.Copy !req
280. Yay, again!Copy !req
281. By the power bottom vested in me,Copy !req
282. I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.Copy !req
283. Kiss!Copy !req
284. Everyone! Your attention, please!Copy !req
285. Dr. Gravitas?Copy !req
286. That's right.Copy !req
287. I want to give you two your first gift.Copy !req
288. These are your latest test results, Jess.Copy !req
289. And they're remarkable.Copy !req
290. Meaning what?Copy !req
291. Meaning Jess is going to live.Copy !req
292. Brian, we really will be together forever.Copy !req
293. Forever and
ever and ever!Copy !req
294. Can you believe this?Copy !req
295. What?Copy !req
296. Jess is gonna live.Copy !req
297. I-I'm sorry, I took a muscle
relaxer this morning.Copy !req
298. Tinazidine.Copy !req
299. Before you drove here?Copy !req
300. Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.Copy !req
301. And then another half at a red light.Copy !req
302. It's fine, it's Tinazidine.Copy !req
303. I-I might take another half.Copy !req
304. You want a half?Copy !req
305. Oh, no.Copy !req
306. Come on. It was prescribed by a doctorCopy !req
307. to a guy named John SelvaggioCopy !req
308. who has a mailbox that he can't
see from his front yard.Copy !req
309. It's Tinazidine.Copy !req
310. Stop saying what it is.Copy !req
311. Tinazidine.Copy !req
312. The white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailboxCopy !req
313. that might be three months of drugs.Copy !req
314. Oh, my God. It is so incredibleCopy !req
315. having my appetite back.Copy !req
316. Mmm.Copy !req
317. I love you.Copy !req
318. Ah, shrimp.Copy !req
319. It's like I'm a baby bird.Copy !req
320. This turn me on, too.Copy !req
321. Brian, did you hear that?Copy !req
322. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
323. Remember what the doctor said?Copy !req
324. Flatulence means my digestive
system is working again.Copy !req
325. Oh, my God, I must have, like,Copy !req
326. six months' worth
of cancer-farts built up.Copy !req
327. Would you stop farting, please?Copy !req
328. This is a nice hotel.Copy !req
329. Okay, that's the last box.Copy !req
330. Aw, you're so glad to be back
with me, aren't you?Copy !req
331. Mommy was so sadCopy !req
332. when she had to put you all
up for adoption.Copy !req
333. Yes, she was.Copy !req
334. Ooh, I'm going straight to the kitchenCopy !req
335. to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment.Copy !req
336. Microwaved salmon.Copy !req
337. Welcome back, Brian.Copy !req
338. That's Lou,Copy !req
339. the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.Copy !req
340. Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit.Copy !req
341. What?Copy !req
342. That's my thing I say, remember?Copy !req
343. Oh. Uh, no.Copy !req
344. I-I can't imagine anyone does.Copy !req
345. Hey, listen, thanks for renting to usCopy !req
346. even though we have 10 cats
and couldn't make the deposit.Copy !req
347. Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny on our wedding.Copy !req
348. Dead broke.Copy !req
349. Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit.Copy !req
350. So, Bri, this…Copy !req
351. So, Bri, this is once again your hellhole.Copy !req
352. I was going to help you move in,Copy !req
353. but you don't really own anything, do you?Copy !req
354. Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for giftsCopy !req
355. because she was supposed to die!Copy !req
356. I must say, she's looking… Healthy.Copy !req
357. Putting those Juicy pants to the test.Copy !req
358. Stewie,
I've got to get out of this.Copy !req
359. You were right all along, okay?Copy !req
360. I'm not ready to be married.Copy !req
361. I-I gotta… I gotta get a divorce.Copy !req
362. Oh, that'll go over well after you paradedCopy !req
363. your "great love" around town.Copy !req
364. Which reminds me, your
follow-up Tom Tucker profileCopy !req
365. is coming on now.Copy !req
366. We got countless lettersCopy !req
367. after our profile of the Cancer GirlCopy !req
368. who won her sweetheart's paw in marriage.Copy !req
369. Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.Copy !req
370. Due to audio issues,
the following footage is subtitled.Copy !req
371. Brian, look.Copy !req
372. - Holy…
- I know.Copy !req
373. My hair's growing back.Copy !req
374. What do you think?Copy !req
375. You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.Copy !req
376. Aw, I'm your baby doll.Copy !req
377. I'll get it.Copy !req
378. Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?Copy !req
379. Nothing?Copy !req
380. Oh, hey, Helen. What are you doing here?Copy !req
381. Coming to live with you, like
you asked me to at the wedding.Copy !req
382. Are… Are you watching HBO?Copy !req
383. I'm a Christian woman, Brian.Copy !req
384. Cancel HBO now.Copy !req
385. We can spend the extra moneyCopy !req
386. on the big photos of fetuses I holdCopy !req
387. while I yell at people outside Panera.Copy !req
388. Mom, guess what?Copy !req
389. My farts are back.Copy !req
390. Mine never went away.Copy !req
391. Oh, man.Copy !req
392. - Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriendCopy !req
393. - sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
394. It's all about how
she's having her period,Copy !req
395. but the other guy she wanted to impress,Copy !req
396. the one who created the social media app,Copy !req
397. he walks in while she's singing,Copy !req
398. so now he's not into her, either.Copy !req
399. Uh-huh.Copy !req
400. - Will you get me more salsa?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
401. Brian.Copy !req
402. Will you get me more salsa?Copy !req
403. Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.Copy !req
404. Sorry. Got it.Copy !req
405. They only had mild.Copy !req
406. Well, I'm sorry it's so disgusting,Copy !req
407. but that's all they have.Copy !req
408. Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?Copy !req
409. Come on.Copy !req
410. Wait, are you… Oh, my G…Copy !req
411. Oh, my God, are you choking?Copy !req
412. She's… Someone… I don't…Copy !req
413. Heimlich maneuver.Copy !req
414. How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?Copy !req
415. Come on, come on.Copy !req
416. Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone,Copy !req
417. and every time I try to type
"Heimlich", it…Copy !req
418. Oh, my God. Somebody call 911!Copy !req
419. Damn it, Fox.Copy !req
420. That's not an invitation
to ruin our momentCopy !req
421. to expand your media empire.Copy !req
422. Son of Zorn.Copy !req
423. Ha.Copy !req
424. I'd like to thank you all for comingCopy !req
425. to honor the memory
of my beloved wife, Jess…Copy !req
426. Uh…Copy !req
427. I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.Copy !req
428. - Schlotz.
- Yikes.Copy !req
429. It was my husband's name.Copy !req
430. What's your maiden name?Copy !req
431. Borgwort.Copy !req
432. That's also bad.Copy !req
433. Look, all I want to say is…Copy !req
434. I always knew this day was coming.Copy !req
435. But what I didn't know wasCopy !req
436. just how much I was gonna miss Jess.Copy !req
437. I would give anythingCopy !req
438. if she were still here with me.Copy !req
439. I'm okay.Copy !req
440. It's a miracle!Copy !req