1. Hey, Meg. What are you up to?Copy !req
2. Not much. Just finished
an angel food cake.Copy !req
3. Might go out to the trash, see
if there's any possums to kiss.Copy !req
4. I was just out there.Copy !req
5. Oh, come on,
it's your senior year.Copy !req
6. Somebody must be having a party
or something.Copy !req
7. Well, there's one.Copy !req
8. But... I wasn't invited.Copy !req
9. Well, so what? Go crash it.Copy !req
10. Nah. Not my style.Copy !req
11. And what do you care?
Do you want the TV or something?Copy !req
12. What? No, no. I want...
I want to see you have fun.Copy !req
13. Come on, you should go,
you know? Let loose a little.Copy !req
14. You know what? You're right.Copy !req
15. Maybe I will give it a shot.Copy !req
16. Yeah. How awkward could it be?Copy !req
17. Can't be worse
than waving at someoneCopy !req
18. who doesn't wave back at you.Copy !req
19. - No, not you.
- Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
20. In fact, everyone but you.Copy !req
21. Hi, everyone but him!Copy !req
22. Hi!Copy !req
23. Lou, I like you a lot, but
I-I think that's the last tapeCopy !req
24. of you having sex with
your girlfriend I want to see.Copy !req
25. Suit yourself.Copy !req
26. All right, I got to get over
to my mom's wake.Copy !req
27. Oh, right, yeah. Crap.Copy !req
28. Ugh. Sorry again.Copy !req
29. - Oof. Cancer.
- Car accident.Copy !req
30. No, I know, I just, I'm...Copy !req
31. saying it feels like
everyone's getting cancer.Copy !req
32. You know, Bowie.Copy !req
33. Time to get creepay...Copy !req
34. Huh. Kid family.Copy !req
35. What a scumbag.Copy !req
36. Aw...Copy !req
37. Because I'm working all day!Copy !req
38. Oh, yeah? Well, here's what
I think of your stupid work!Copy !req
39. Don't you do that!Copy !req
40. Fiona, don't you...Copy !req
41. Is that Principal Shepherd?Copy !req
42. Wow, that looks like
a rocky relationship.Copy !req
43. "Rocky relationship."Copy !req
44. Ha-ha!Copy !req
45. Oh, come on, Brian.Copy !req
46. Don't comment or like it.Copy !req
47. It's a hard lesson,
but one he has to learn.Copy !req
48. All right, ladies,
time to mingle.Copy !req
49. Hey. You guys
talking Big Bang over here?Copy !req
50. Big Bang Theory?Copy !req
51. No? Any Bangers over here?Copy !req
52. No?Copy !req
53. Well, I've tried everything.Copy !req
54. We just don't have anything
in common with these guys.Copy !req
55. Maybe... we don't need
anything in common with them.Copy !req
56. Meg, come on, don't go crazy.Copy !req
57. Damn, that's hot!Copy !req
58. That was just lucky.Copy !req
59. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
60. Wow! Meg's so good
at casually tossing bottlesCopy !req
61. over her shoulder
so they land upright!Copy !req
62. And that's very popular
right now,Copy !req
63. because we've
run out of things on Earth.Copy !req
64. Meg, that was amazing!Copy !req
65. What can I say?
I'm full of surprises.Copy !req
66. Like the end
of The Usual Suspects.Copy !req
67. He was gay the whole time!Copy !req
68. Okay, they're obviously home.Copy !req
69. You'd have to be dumb
to try to rob that place.Copy !req
70. Oh, yes!Copy !req
71. I hate the guy, but he's good.Copy !req
72. Oh, my God.Copy !req
73. What the... what the hell
is going on over there?Copy !req
74. Did he...Copy !req
75. - Hello. -
- Hey, Stewie, it's me.Copy !req
76. You got a second?Copy !req
77. Brian? Hang on.Copy !req
78. Hey, keep it down,
you screwballs.Copy !req
79. Here, let me just go
somewhere a little quieter.Copy !req
80. Oh, yeah, right. I'm the screwball.Copy !req
81. You and friends
say "screwball" a lot.Copy !req
82. That's what happens when
you run with a screwy crowd.Copy !req
83. What's up with you?Copy !req
84. Stewie, I think...Copy !req
85. I think Principal Shepherd
killed his wife.Copy !req
86. What? What are you
talking about?Copy !req
87. I think I saw him
getting rid of her body.Copy !req
88. And carrying a bag
with something heavy in it.Copy !req
89. And... and there was red liquid
dripping from it.Copy !req
90. Okay, I've got to see this
for myself.Copy !req
91. Don't do anything.
I'm coming over.Copy !req
92. Hey, listen,
you-you don't think...Copy !req
93. you don't think you
could snag a couple of rollsCopy !req
94. of toilet paper, could you?Copy !req
95. - Stewie?
- I'm here. I just wanted youCopy !req
96. to have to sit with those words
for a minute.Copy !req
97. Kids, dinner's ready!Copy !req
98. "Dinner's ready."Copy !req
99. Shut up.Copy !req
100. Little of the old schnappster
ought to get me right.Copy !req
101. 'Ey... Chrissay!Copy !req
102. Well, that's
delightfully informal, Meg.Copy !req
103. How the heck are ya?Copy !req
104. So, what are you kids
doing in school?Copy !req
105. I got in trouble for saying
something "insensitive"Copy !req
106. to trans kids.Copy !req
107. - What'd you say?
- Well, a few them startedCopy !req
108. this a cappella group,
and they're all kind of chubby.Copy !req
109. So I said, "You guys should
call yourselves the Trans Fats."Copy !req
110. Meg, you'll sit
next to me this evening.Copy !req
111. - But, Dad...
- I'm sorry, Chris. You've fallen out of favor.Copy !req
112. Perhaps forever.Copy !req
113. Oh, Stewie,
thank God you're here.Copy !req
114. There's a seagull
in your hallway.Copy !req
115. Listen, what are we gonna doCopy !req
116. about this
Principal Shepherd thing?Copy !req
117. Look, all you know is that
the guy was carrying a wet bag.Copy !req
118. It doesn't mean
he killed his wife.Copy !req
119. You're building this whole theory...Copy !req
120. What is that noise?Copy !req
121. It's a news alert.Copy !req
122. "Fiona Shepherd, wife of James
Woods High School principalCopy !req
123. John Shepherd,
has been reported missing."Copy !req
124. Oh, my God, maybe he did do it.Copy !req
125. You know, there are
some bad people in this world.Copy !req
126. Hey, you don't got
to tell me that.Copy !req
127. I learned that in Fight Club.Copy !req
128. All right, Stewie, what's
the first rule of Fight Club?Copy !req
129. G-string underwear.Copy !req
130. No. It's "don't talk
about Fight Club."Copy !req
131. Oh. Well, I really blew it.Copy !req
132. Hey-o! What's up in this piece?Copy !req
133. You're getting home late.Copy !req
134. Yeah. We were hanging out
in the woods, and...Copy !req
135. this one girl pushed
another girl overCopy !req
136. while she was peeing.Copy !req
137. They fought,
and then the cops came.Copy !req
138. Meg, this is important.Copy !req
139. Did she fall in the pee?Copy !req
140. I can smell your breath.Copy !req
141. You've been drinking,
haven't you?Copy !req
142. No! Geez, Mom, get off my back.Copy !req
143. Peter, I think
she's doing booze.Copy !req
144. What should we do?Copy !req
145. Lois, she's just being
a teenager.Copy !req
146. We don't know she's, like, for
sure, definitely been drinking.Copy !req
147. I found this in her room.Copy !req
148. My little girl's a drunk!Copy !req
149. Oh, my God,
where did we go wrong?Copy !req
150. Meg, we need to talk.Copy !req
151. What, Mom? But I know
what you're gonna say,Copy !req
152. and I know how
you're gonna say it.Copy !req
153. - Oh, really?
- Yep.Copy !req
154. I don't want you drinkin'Copy !req
155. or your life's
gonna go down the crappah.Copy !req
156. That's not bad.Copy !req
157. I-I mean,
I sound nothing like that,Copy !req
158. but it's a fun character. Heh.Copy !req
159. But this is serious.Copy !req
160. Alcoholism runs in our family.Copy !req
161. Hey, I'm just glad
something runs in this family.Copy !req
162. I don't mean to...Copy !req
163. I-I don't mean to laugh, okay?
But that was funny.Copy !req
164. Mom, I'm just having fun.Copy !req
165. I'm finally known as something
other than "the chubby girlCopy !req
166. who put the lunch lady
in a headlock."Copy !req
167. And besides, Dad's the oneCopy !req
168. who pushed me
into going to that party.Copy !req
169. Oh, he did, did he?Copy !req
170. Son of a bitch.
What was that?Copy !req
171. I don't know. Someone
must've messed something up.Copy !req
172. Listen, you need to talk to Meg
about her drinking.Copy !req
173. What? Why me?Copy !req
174. Because you're the one
who told herCopy !req
175. to start going
to these parties.Copy !req
176. Okay, fine.Copy !req
177. I guess it's just something
I got to deal with.Copy !req
178. Like the flush
of a high-powered toilet.Copy !req
179. So, you plan on going back
at that banana, huh?Copy !req
180. So the bastard killed his wife,Copy !req
181. and then reported her missing.Copy !req
182. I-I got to...
I got to call the cops.Copy !req
183. - Quahog Police.
- Joe, Joe, it's Brian.Copy !req
184. Listen, I have
to tell you something.Copy !req
185. I-I'm pretty sureCopy !req
186. Principal Shepherd
killed his wife.Copy !req
187. That's a serious accusation.
Do you have any proof?Copy !req
188. I have something better
than proof:Copy !req
189. rank suspicion born out
of boredom and loneliness.Copy !req
190. Sorry, that's just not enough
for us to go on.Copy !req
191. You must be pretty tired
from thinking about all this.Copy !req
192. - You ever get bags under your eyes?
- What?Copy !req
193. I've been using this eye cream,
it's done wonders for me.Copy !req
194. It's made by a company
called Rodan and Fields.Copy !req
195. Have you heard of them, Brian?Copy !req
196. Yeah, I-I think, uh...Copy !req
197. Oh, they make terrific stuff.Copy !req
198. In fact, I was such a fan,Copy !req
199. I became a sales consultant
for the company.Copy !req
200. Listen, Joe, I got to run.Copy !req
201. I'm hosting a little
get-together tomorrow night,Copy !req
202. If you want to stop by.
There's gonna be pizzaCopy !req
203. and soft drinks, then a man's
gonna talk about the whole line.Copy !req
204. Can I go ahead
and confirm your attendance?Copy !req
205. Well, that was no help.Copy !req
206. What if I go over there
and try to find some evidenceCopy !req
207. - that he did it?
- All right, fine.Copy !req
208. But you have to be careful.Copy !req
209. Don't worry,
he won't have any idea.Copy !req
210. I'll be more discreetCopy !req
211. than a guy standing by himself
in the ocean.Copy !req
212. Hey, are you peeing?Copy !req
213. No.Copy !req
214. Are you pooping?Copy !req
215. I'm just trying
to enjoy the day.Copy !req
216. Why don't you
go bother that guy?Copy !req
217. Summer's blown by, huh?Copy !req
218. So, your mom says
you've been drinking.Copy !req
219. Yeah, like, a little bit, but...Copy !req
220. but it's nothing
you have to worry about.Copy !req
221. Look, I-I was young,
too, you know.Copy !req
222. I-I remember going to parties,
walking up with a six pack.Copy !req
223. You're so excited to get there,
you start jogging a little.Copy !req
224. Your friends are all there,
and they're so happy to see you,Copy !req
225. they're practically cheering
your name.Copy !req
226. And then "Mony Mony" comes on
at just the right time.Copy !req
227. And everyone's dancing,Copy !req
228. and-and Laura Hallston's jugs
are just slamming into you.Copy !req
229. You don't have a care
in the world,Copy !req
230. and if all of it came to an end
right then and there, so be it.Copy !req
231. Well, you're my daughter,Copy !req
232. and I don't want
any of that for you.Copy !req
233. Hey, you want to see where I was
sitting when you were born?Copy !req
234. Yeah, I still think
about Laura a lot.Copy !req
235. You were already drinking
tonight, weren't you?Copy !req
236. A little.Copy !req
237. Well, I can't talk
to a drunk person if I'm sober.Copy !req
238. Hey, Jerome,
can I get a beer, please?Copy !req
239. But now I'm starting
to sober up,Copy !req
240. so I'm gonna need one
to keep an even playing field.Copy !req
241. All right,
but it stays between us.Copy !req
242. And what if they card you?Copy !req
243. Don't worry. I got it covered.Copy !req
244. Wow. That's really good.Copy !req
245. Right? Jerome, make it two!Copy !req
246. All right, he's gone.Copy !req
247. Now, if I give the word, you've
got to get out of there, okay?Copy !req
248. Got it.Copy !req
249. Oh, my God!Copy !req
250. What? What is it?Copy !req
251. He sleeps in a bunk bed!Copy !req
252. Are you kidding me?
Who is this guy?Copy !req
253. Wait a second. Is that...?Copy !req
254. Bri, I'm gonna put you down
for a sec.Copy !req
255. Stewie, no! Don't.Copy !req
256. Stewie, get out of there!Copy !req
257. Stewie! Stewie!Copy !req
258. Got to get his attention.Copy !req
259. Man, just short.Copy !req
260. Oh, God.Copy !req
261. Domino's.Copy !req
262. Oh, good.Copy !req
263. Medium pie, ten wings.Copy !req
264. Is the blue cheese
dressing in there?Copy !req
265. Thanks a lot. Have a good one.Copy !req
266. Mmm.Copy !req
267. He got out! Ha, ha!
Yes, Stewie!Copy !req
268. Oh, crap.Copy !req
269. Oh, my, that was close.Copy !req
270. Stewie, he saw you! He saw you
leaving his apartment!Copy !req
271. Oh. Well... so what?Copy !req
272. He doesn't know
what we're doing.Copy !req
273. Ah!
What? What is it?Copy !req
274. Well, that's...Copy !req
275. that's not good.Copy !req
276. Dad? Dad, wake up!Copy !req
277. - Huh? What happened?
- I don't know!Copy !req
278. We must have stolen this boat
last night.Copy !req
279. I-I have no idea
where the hell we are!Copy !req
280. Oh, no, my cell phone's dead!Copy !req
281. I got a little bit
of juice left,Copy !req
282. so we can either
A, call someone,Copy !req
283. maybe they answer,
maybe they can help,Copy !req
284. or B, we can definitely
switch faces.Copy !req
285. Look at you!
Look at me!Copy !req
286. That's what this is!Copy !req
287. Oh, we're gonna die.Copy !req
288. Dad, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
289. You think it's too early to tie
our shirts around our headsCopy !req
290. to show we're going insane?Copy !req
291. I mean it, Dad. This is serious.Copy !req
292. I did pants instead.Copy !req
293. Ugh! I don't feel so hot.Copy !req
294. What is wrong with me?Copy !req
295. Have you taken a break
since you started drinking?Copy !req
296. Not until right now.Copy !req
297. Do you feel like lying
on the couch, rubbing your eyes,Copy !req
298. while listening
to Lou Reed's "Perfect Day"?Copy !req
299. - Yes!
- Then I'll tell you what's wrong with you.Copy !req
300. You got a hangover.Copy !req
301. What can you do for a hangover?Copy !req
302. Well, Meg,
so I don't have to thinkCopy !req
303. about my throbbing headache,Copy !req
304. I try to think of
something else, like a riddle.Copy !req
305. Like, how would you describe
Chris O'Donnell?Copy !req
306. Huh. He's not tall or short.Copy !req
307. And he's not fat or thin.Copy !req
308. Well, he's not handsome or ugly.Copy !req
309. And he's not young or old.Copy !req
310. He's not loud or quiet.Copy !req
311. Uh, he's not memorable,
but-but I know who he is.Copy !req
312. Ah!
Thanks, Dad!Copy !req
313. I feel so much better.Copy !req
314. But you know who doesn't?Copy !req
315. Chris O'Donnell.Copy !req
316. Bye, dildo.Copy !req
317. Oh, no. Hard shoes on linoleum.Copy !req
318. That's a principal!Copy !req
319. Brian, a lot of people
live in this building,Copy !req
320. and you can't tell it's
a principal just from a walk.Copy !req
321. Excuse me? May I have
your attention, please?Copy !req
322. Okay, that's probably
a principal.Copy !req
323. Hey. How are you today?Copy !req
324. What can I do for you?Copy !req
325. What do you want from me?Copy !req
326. Listen, it's...
it's-it's not what you think.Copy !req
327. Then what is it?Copy !req
328. Well... I'm, um...
I'm actually doing a documentaryCopy !req
329. about some
of the finest principalsCopy !req
330. in the country, and...Copy !req
331. Ow! Continue.Copy !req
332. "Finest principals
in the country" and...Copy !req
333. Brian!Copy !req
334. Stewie! Help me!Copy !req
335. How did I get here?Copy !req
336. Well, to answer that, you'd
have to go back a little while.Copy !req
337. We're not doing that!Copy !req
338. We found this in a DumpsterCopy !req
339. behind Principal Shepherd's
building.Copy !req
340. That's it.
That's-that's the bag!Copy !req
341. I guarantee his wife's in there.Copy !req
342. - Ha!
- What's the matter, Rook?Copy !req
343. Too heavy for you?Copy !req
344. I've actually been a cop
for years.Copy !req
345. I have tummy cancer.Copy !req
346. Oh. Weird way to say that.Copy !req
347. What the hell? Bu-But I saw...Copy !req
348. Yeah, well, what is all this?Copy !req
349. Principal Shepherd,Copy !req
350. I think you've got
some explaining to do.Copy !req
351. Look, I tried to tell you,
I didn't kill my wife.Copy !req
352. She just texted me today
that she's moved outCopy !req
353. and she's banging my cousin,Copy !req
354. Pat Sajak's accountant,
by the way.Copy !req
355. It's a weird time to name drop.Copy !req
356. And the food, well,
I've been stealing itCopy !req
357. from the high school
to make ends meet.Copy !req
358. My life's "kinda brute,"
as the kids say.Copy !req
359. Sounds like
you've had a rough day.Copy !req
360. No wonder you've got those bags
under your eyes.Copy !req
361. Have you ever heard of a company
called Rodan and Fields?Copy !req
362. Ugh. Are all hangovers this bad?Copy !req
363. Yup, that's the deal
you make with the gods of fun.Copy !req
364. Every 72 hours, you lose a day.Copy !req
365. Dad, you're so sunburnt.Copy !req
366. I can't move
because it hurts too bad.Copy !req
367. Ugh. This is awful.Copy !req
368. We don't even know
if anyone's looking for us.Copy !req
369. Look, don't worry.
We're gonna be okay.Copy !req
370. This is why you shouldn't drink.Copy !req
371. Booze is nothing but trouble,
and you don't need it.Copy !req
372. You got a good brain
in your head.Copy !req
373. Thanks, Dad, and if this is what
drinking makes you feel like,Copy !req
374. you don't have
to worry about it.Copy !req
375. I am done with booze.Copy !req
376. Aw, I'm glad to hear that.Copy !req
377. And I'm sorry
I pushed it on you.Copy !req
378. I just...
I just wanted to watch TV.Copy !req
379. I don't want
to see you waste opportunitiesCopy !req
380. 'cause you were out partying.Copy !req
381. That's what I did.Copy !req
382. You just worry about being you.Copy !req
383. Don't worry, Dad.Copy !req
384. I'll never be anything like you.Copy !req
385. That's my girl.Copy !req
386. Dad, look!Copy !req
387. Oh, my God.
Meg, we're saved!Copy !req
388. Thank God you found us.Copy !req
389. We're so glad
you picked us up...Copy !req
390. - Chris O'Donnell?
- That's right.Copy !req
391. And I hope
you like turbulence, dildos.Copy !req
392. The actual Chris O'DonnellCopy !req
393. is not a Coast Guard
helicopter pilot.Copy !req
394. We assume
he's probably too short.Copy !req
395. Oh, my God.
Brian, are you okay?Copy !req
396. Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
397. Annie, are you okay?Copy !req
398. So, Annie, are you okay?
Are you okay, Annie?Copy !req
399. What happened to her?Copy !req
400. She was hit by, uh...Copy !req
401. She was struck
by a smooth criminal.Copy !req
402. That was fun, Mom.Copy !req
403. We don't get to do a lot
of that kind of stuff together.Copy !req
404. Listen, Brian,
we want you to come home again.Copy !req
405. Oh, so the Twitter pariah
is finally welcome home?Copy !req
406. No, but the school board
hero dog is.Copy !req
407. It was all over the papers.Copy !req
408. You saved the school $206
from all the food they recoveredCopy !req
409. from Principal Shepherd's
fridge.Copy !req
410. So... you really want me
to come home?Copy !req
411. They're still gonna serve
that food?Copy !req
412. Of course we do.Copy !req
413. Hey, where's everyone else?Copy !req
414. Oh, my God.
Peter, what happened?Copy !req
415. What happened? A fair question.Copy !req
416. And to answer it,
we have to go back a ways.Copy !req
417. - Stop doing that thing!
- Aw.Copy !req
418. Brian, I got to say, it's great
to have you home again, buddy.Copy !req
419. Well, it's great to be here.Copy !req
420. Living on my own was fun,Copy !req
421. but I couldn't stop thinking
about all the stuffCopy !req
422. I was missing
being away from you guys.Copy !req
423. Did you ever finish
that banana, Brian?Copy !req
424. And, Meg, I hope you learned
your lesson about drinking.Copy !req
425. Yeah, I think I'd rather
live my life as a loserCopy !req
426. than feel bad once in a while.Copy !req
427. Well, I hope you know
that you're our loser.Copy !req
428. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
429. If my life were better here,Copy !req
430. would I stop searching for it...
up there?Copy !req