1. Thanks for driving me to the
library for story time, Brian.
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2. Today we're reading
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
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3. vs. The Human Centipede.
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4. I heard it's like
Alien vs. Predator.
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5. with a little bit more
butt eating.
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6. That does sound fun,
but what if I took you
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7. to a different library today?
What?
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8. But I like my library.
I met Curious George there.
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9. Mom said he was a puppet,
but she's stupid.
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10. I'm just saying we should
go to the library
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11. at Quahog University
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12. and take your education
to a higher level.
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13. I guess I can try it.
I mean, I do want to get ahead.
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14. I don't want to end up like Meg,
doing sad one-woman shows.
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15. Whose fault is this?
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16. You're wearing a
garbage bag as a cape.
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17. Who do you think?
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18. Him? Shh. She's
crushing it!
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19. Oh, yeah.
That's good library.
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20. Aw, you didn't come here for me;
you came to be a creep.
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21. Whatever.
You go do your thing.
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22. I'm gonna go watch that young
hotshot attorney over there
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23. who's clearly in the middle
of a movie montage.
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24. Oh! He found it.
He's gonna win the case.
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25. Oh, no. It was a '70s movie.
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26. - So, who you reading?
- George Eliot.
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27. Ah, Georgie.
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28. I'm a big fan.
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29. - I think he, uh...
- She.
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30. she said it best
when she said...
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31. "Bantam Press, 1851."
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32. - Lumineers?
- What?
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33. Hmm? You just said
"Lumineers" with no context.
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34. Did I do that?
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35. Ugh!
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36. Tumblr?
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37. Wow, I've never seen someone go
oh for six in 15 minutes before.
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38. Just hard rejection
after hard rejection.
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39. What's going on over there?
Looks like a student rally.
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40. They probably forgot
to study for an exam,
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41. so they organized
a protest.
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42. In the '90s, you'd
just pull a fire alarm...
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43. now you hold a protest.
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44. That is, when they're not
looking down at their phones.
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45. Hey, what's going on?
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46. Someone wrote "weird" on
the transgender bathroom,
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47. and the school president
didn't overreact,
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48. so we want him fired!
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49. Seems reasonable.
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50. Exactly!
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51. Oh, I see
news cameras.
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52. I'm gonna yell "Viva la Stool"
like a young, white drunkard.
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53. And last week, a professor told
his class to have a nice day,
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54. which is microaggression,
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55. because in our
systemic rape culture
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56. no day is a nice day.
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57. So we want him fired, too.
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58. Hey,
if you don't want to get fired,
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59. don't become a teacher, right?
Totally.
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60. You should tweet that.
#FireEveryone.
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61. Viva la Stool!
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62. Well, I guess I could
fire up my account again.
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63. All right, open app.
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64. Got a bunch of those.
No biggie.
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65. Typing tweet.
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66. Blast off in three,
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67. two, one,
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68. and tweeted.
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69. I am back in the game. See?
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70. Oop, you're gone.
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71. And the crowd is gone.
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72. And the animators are gone.
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73. Hey, Stewie, what do you
think about this tweet?
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74. Oh, don't be that guy.
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75. "Kelly Ripa
no-shows at work."
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76. Who does she think she is,
a Republican senator?
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77. Three references in one
tweet. I'm sweating.
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78. I'll just add it
to my notes for later.
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79. Why are you
getting into Twitter now?
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80. Unless you're an athlete
or a celebrity, no one cares.
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81. A lot of people
like my stuff.
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82. Oh, yeah? Someone needs
to tell Donald Trump
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83. it's not fashionable
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84. to wear orange on your
face after Labor Day.
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85. Zero retweets.
Zero likes.
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86. Yeah, viral.
You know, I don't care.
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87. You can't stop me.
Just like people
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88. can't stop Peter
from ordering shepherd's pie.
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89. And what can I get
for you, sir?
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90. I'll have the
shepherd's pie.
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91. I'm sorry, but that's
not on the menu.
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92. Well, do you have potatoes?
Yes.
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93. Butter?
Yes.
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94. Cream?
Yes.
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95. Salt?
Yes.
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96. Pepper?
Yes.
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97. Garlic?
Yes.
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98. Onions?
Yes.
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99. Lamb?
Yes.
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100. Carrots?
Yes.
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101. Eggs?
Yes.
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102. Flour?
Yes.
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103. Rosemary?
Yes.
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104. Thyme?
Yes.
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105. Chicken broth?
Yes.
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106. Corn?
Yes.
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107. Peas?
Yes.
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108. Lightsaber?
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109. Remember when we did Star Wars?
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110. Better get a tweet out before
I go dark for a few hours.
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111. About to see
the new Kevin Hart movie.
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112. Just kidding.
I'm white and went to college.
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113. Wow, I haven't seen
that much camel toe
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114. since the Arab Spring.
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115. Nah.
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116. Hey, are you @dogbackwards
from Twitter?
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117. I am. Are-are you a fan?
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118. You racist jerk!
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119. I hope you get
foot-and-mouth disease!
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120. What the hell was that?
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121. Uh-oh.
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122. Wow, you are blowing up!
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123. Blowing up bad.
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124. Ah, look at that... Huffington
Post just picked it up.
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125. Buckle up, buddy.
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126. - There he is!
- Where? I'm in the back.
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127. Hey, how was Baywatch?
I want to see that bad.
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128. What were you thinking,
writing that tweet?
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129. What? It was just a joke.
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130. Brian, it's not 2005...
you can't just go online
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131. and say whatever
you want.
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132. Yeah, remember how mad
people got when DiGiorno tweeted
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133. about domestic violence?
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134. And they're not even a guy.
They're pizza.
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135. All right, all right,
I'll delete the tweet.
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136. You haven't
deleted it yet?
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137. What a train wreck!
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138. There. Done. Done.
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139. See? It's done. It's gone.
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140. What about all those
people outside?
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141. They'll see that I deleted it,
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142. and it'll all blow over.
Trust me.
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143. I hope so, but
you never know.
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144. They're still pretty mad at me
down at Dick's Sporting Goods.
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145. Um, what's the name
of this place?
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146. Dick's.
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147. A-And what's that say
on your shirt?
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148. Dick's.
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149. Can I have two balls...
and a helmet?
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150. Hey, you're the guy
from the phone.
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151. Start the car, Chris!
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152. Did you get him, Dad?
We got him!
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153. Hey, Sid.
Happy Mango Monday.
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154. Hmm.
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155. Hmm. Those nighttime
information technology classes
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156. must really be getting to Sid.
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157. Hey, Curt.
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158. Hmm.
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159. Curt? Come on, it's me,
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160. Lunchtime Lois.
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161. Gil, help me out here.
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162. Hmm!
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163. Gil, no! Uh, what about Barbara?
Is she back there?
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164. She can clear this up.
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165. Let me talk to Barbara.
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166. She doesn't want
to talk to you, either.
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167. Nobody does...
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168. not as long as you're
living with that racist dog.
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169. Oh, come on!
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170. It was just a bad joke.
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171. Where's Stanley?
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172. He'll vouch for me.
Let me talk to Stanley.
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173. Or Henry. Somebody
help me out here.
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174. - Chip?
- Hmm!
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175. - Karen?
- Hmm!
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176. - JJ?
- Hmm.
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177. - Angela?
- Hmm.
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178. - Tito?
- Hmm!
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179. - Larry?
- Hmm!
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180. You can't freeze me out
like this.
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181. We're on a first-name basis!
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182. They're on our
name tags, Lois.
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183. But I don't even have to look!
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184. I don't even have to look!
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185. Hey, how come no one told me
we were going to the Clam?
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186. Hey, Jerome,
give me a beer.
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187. Oh, why? 'Cause I'm,
like, your slave?
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188. Man, you're no better
than your racist dog.
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189. Come on, man.
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190. B-Brian was
just making a joke.
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191. I told you about Brian.
I told you.
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192. Come on, he deleted
his tweet.
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193. But the hurt has been RT'd
in our hearts.
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194. Peter, you better
get out of here
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195. before I start
saying "sir" like a cop.
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196. Come on, Joe, I...
Sir? Sir?
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197. You've been asked
to leave.
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198. Joe, it's me, Peter.
I... Sir.
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199. I don't want to have
to ask you again.
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200. Please leave.
All right, fine.
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201. Sir!
No, Joe, Joe.
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202. He's leaving.
Sir!
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203. Joe, Joe...
Sir!
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204. He's gone.
Sir.
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205. - It's okay.
- Sir.
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206. He's gone.
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207. Your dog wrote an
insensitive tweet.
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208. You can't eat here.
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209. Uh-oh, Meg.
It's a sensitivity mob.
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210. It was just a joke.
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211. There's no such thing
as jokes anymore.
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212. Yeah, we live in
a post-joke world.
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213. Chris, maybe we
should just eat outside.
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214. No, Meg,
we're eating here.
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215. I'd like to
see you try.
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216. It was... a joke.
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217. Can you put on
the Canucks game?
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218. No, go away.
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219. Loser.
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220. This is getting
out of control.
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221. We can't leave the house
without getting harassed.
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222. Yeah, yesterday I went outside
to try to get the mail
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223. and I had a seizure.
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224. That may not be
protester-related,
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225. but still, you got to
do something, Brian.
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226. What do you want me to do?
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227. I-I deleted my Twitter
account, my Instagram,
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228. Facebook, everything.
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229. People still won't
leave me alone.
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230. You have to apologize.
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231. Go outside, do it now.
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232. Tell them that it was a
mistake and how sorry you are
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233. and maybe they'll
get off our backs.
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234. Maybe you're right.
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235. I got to face them and
hope they'll forgive me.
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236. Hello.
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237. As you all know,
I'm Brian Griffin.
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238. Boo.
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239. Boo, Brian
Griffin. Boo.
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240. I want to read a few words...
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241. Boo. Liar.
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242. Boo, Brian Griffin, boo.
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243. Anyway, I-I want to...
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244. Boo.
Apologize somewhere else.
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245. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
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246. Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm here today to apologize...
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247. Why did you say
"ladies" first?
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248. That's sexist.
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249. It's just, it's just
a-a standard greeting.
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250. Let-let me start over.
Gentlemen and ladies...
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251. Ooh, says the man.
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252. Okay, sorry, I-I...
Um, humans in the audience...
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253. I identify as a basketball.
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254. Humans and basketballs...
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255. I'm a parrot
who mimics words
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256. but doesn't
comprehend them.
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257. Humans, basketballs,
talking parrots,
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258. and-and whatever else
is out there...
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259. "Whatever"? It's whoever.
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260. Actually, it's whomever.
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261. No one likes you, Mary.
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262. All right, all
right, just-just calm down, okay?
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263. Now you're
tone policing us!
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264. That makes me
uncomfortable.
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265. Anything that makes me
uncomfortable in 2017
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266. should be illegal.
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267. You know what?
you.
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268. I'm not a racist, all right?
I just told a bad joke.
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269. There's a huge difference.
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270. But nobody on the Internet
ever takes the time
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271. to ask themselves, "Is this
worth freaking out over?"
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272. Or, "Are there bigger problems
in the world than this tweet?"
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273. Well, I assure you, there are.
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274. And just for the record,
I love black people.
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275. I watch tons of black porn.
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276. So, what do you all
want from me, huh?
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277. You-you want to ruin my life?
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278. Then congratulations.
You did it.
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279. Everybody hates me.
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280. I can't leave the house
without getting harassed.
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281. No one will hire me.
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282. That was a problem before.
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283. I can't turn on my phone
without strangers telling me
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284. to kill myself or that
they're gonna kill my family.
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285. Leave me alone!
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286. I'm the self-righteous,
liberal douchebag, not you!
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287. I've kissed a
transsexual before!
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288. How many of you
can say that?
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289. Where's my medal?
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290. I am so far left,
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291. I'm spinning in
circles, you.
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292. Instead of killing myself,
I should kill all of you!
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293. I'd like to see you try.
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294. Ow! Jeez.
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295. Well, we started
the dialogue.
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296. You screamed "black porn"
at the top of your lungs
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297. in front
of women and children.
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298. I am not the person
those people out there say I am.
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299. I know that, but you
also haven't done much
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300. to prove that you aren't.
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301. I know, I know.
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302. All I have left is you guys.
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303. Thank God you have my back.
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304. We think you should move out.
What?
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305. Oh! Brian,
listen, we love you,
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306. but they're throwing
things at our house.
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307. We've got to keep
our family safe.
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308. I'm sorry.
It's for the best.
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309. Are you serious?
You're okay with this?
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310. Does this slow pan
across our disapproving faces
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311. answer your question?
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312. I saw Baywatch.
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313. That thing was frickin' rad.
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314. I still think this
is a drastic measure.
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315. Yeah, I messed up,
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316. but what about all the stupid
things Peter's done?
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317. He's never been kicked out
and his life...
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318. My life is not the issue here.
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319. Peter, calm down.
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320. Did you eat breakfast
this morning?
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321. I had a banana and a coffee.
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322. Why am I so fat?
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323. I'm sorry, Brian, but this
is the way it has to be.
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324. All right, then.
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325. I guess this is good-bye.
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326. Brian, wait.
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327. This collar is ours.
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328. It has our address on it.
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329. Peace, dude.
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330. All right, radio, time for you
to tell me what this all means.
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331. Hey. Are you here for
the Time magazines
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332. with some of the
letters cut out?
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333. Uh, no, I... no, I saw that you
have an apartment for rent.
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334. Okay.
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335. Here. Apartment 23.
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336. Oh, okay.
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337. I just have one rule here:
no kissing the mailman.
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338. I don't think that's
gonna be a problem.
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339. You haven't seen him,
so don't say that yet.
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340. Mail's here.
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341. Wow.
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342. If I have
other items I want to buy,
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343. uh, can I buy them here
at the pharmacy window?
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344. Yes.
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345. Ruth?
Yeah, bring it over here.
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346. We can buy them over here.
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347. Where are you?
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348. By the pharmacy.
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349. Hang on,
I'm picking out sunscreen.
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350. Sir, do you mind
if I go ahead of you?
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351. Uh, yes, I do mind.
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352. Six dollars?
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353. Hey, did you knock over a
few bottles in aisle seven?
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354. Uh, yeah.
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355. Okay.
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356. Patricia?
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357. Where's the big nail clipper?
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358. I don't know.
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359. Did you get rid of it?
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360. Why would I get rid
of the big nail clipper?
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361. 'Cause you're a bitch, that's why.
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362. Nice. Yeah, now I'm
gonna tell you where it is.
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363. I knew you knew
where it was, you liar.
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364. Tell me where it is!
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365. No. Find it yourself.
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366. Oh, okay. Fine.
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367. How about I hide
something of yours? Huh?
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368. Put that back!
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369. No, tell me where
the big nail clipper is!
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370. Boom.
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371. Damn it.
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372. Why can't
you use the little nail clipper?
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373. I want the big one, okay?
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374. And I don't want you
using it anymore!
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375. Shut up, little man!
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376. You shut up!
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377. Where'd you put it, you liar?
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378. $900.
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379. "L."
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380. - "R."
- Aw.
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381. Two "R's.
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