Family Guy 16x2

Directed by Brian Iles

Rachel Butera as Meryl Streep (voice) • Kathleen Turner as Kathleen Turner disguised as Peter Griffin (voice) • Mae Whitman as (voice) • Chris Diamantopoulos as Stryker Foxx (voice) • Kevin Michael Richardson as Black Guy (voice)

Peter becomes friends with a cool, handsome paramedic named Stryker Foxx. Wrapped up in his newfound "coolness," he soon dumps Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Wow, you guys.

2. I've never been to a restaurant where they cook

3. right in front of you.

4. Ugh. You know, later we're going to have to take

5. one of those forced happiness family photos

6. that come in the restaurant's tacky frame.

7. Why are you so ... negative all the time?

8. I... uh... wha... I don't... uh, what?

9. Come on, you guys, relax.

10. Let's have a fun night.

11. We haven't done anything as a family

12. since we sat courtside at that NBA game.

13. You okay? You guys, okay?

14. Great seats.

15. Yeah, it's a whole different game when you sit down here.

16. Huh, "samurai" or "geishas."

17. Which one am I?

18. I'll just wait till somebody else goes in.

19. Well, that wasn't helpful.

20. Hmm, this one's holding a fan.

21. That's usually what I need when I'm done in a bathroom.

22. Oop, no urinals.

23. Must've guessed wrong.

24. Wow, look at this place.

25. There's candles, hand lotion.

26. Whoa, there's not even any swastikas

27. carved into the toilet seat.

28. And it's so peaceful.

29. I haven't heard a guy's booming fart

30. the whole time I've been in here.

31. I feel more relaxed than a chick on Facebook

32. with her legs in front of a pool.

33. All right, Lois, I'm off to the mall.

34. I'll be back in about 20 minutes.

35. Oh, what are you gonna buy?

36. Nothing. After the other night, I made a decision:

37. from now on, I'm only using women's restrooms.

38. What? You can't do that. You're a man.

39. You'll get in trouble.

40. Oh, I got that covered.

41. I'm going to Anthropologie.

42. I'll just ask them for something so ridiculous,

43. they'll have to check in the back for it.

44. And then I'll sneak into their ladies' room.

45. Yes, I'd like a $4,000 ping-pong table

46. that's shaped like Easter Islan

47. We have one right over there.

48. Okay.

49. How about a telephone that's made of vintage phone book paper

50. and doesn't make or receive phone calls or work in any way?

51. You mean like this one right here?

52. - Right, but what if I wanted... - Sir, sir?

53. There's nothing you can possibly imagine

54. that's strange or useless enough that we don't have it

55. here at Anthropologie.

56. I know one thing you don't have, black customers.

57. Ah! I'm melting!

58. Ha-ha! To the ladies' room!

59. Wow, this is the nicest one yet.

60. Eh, what are the odds she's gonna show up?

61. Did you get your ass kicked by Meryl Streep?

62. No, it was just some low-class cockney woman

63. from the mid-1800s and...

64. Bravo!

65. She is amazing.

66. Thank you.

67. Stay out of my crapper.

68. And the Oscar goes to...

69. Meryl Streep, for Stay Out of My Crapper.

70. Ah, the ladies' room at Wimbledon.

71. This must be the fanciest bathroom in the world.

72. Uh-oh, looks like these are in use.

73. Deuce.

74. Hey, uh, don't tell Mom that we don't use car seats with me.

75. Unhand me! What do you think you're doing?

76. Okay, Stewie, you're gonna help Daddy by holding his iPad

77. while he watches season one of House of Cards.

78. Wh... where was the house?

79. Where was the house of cards?

80. All right, Stewie, time to go.

81. Whoa, whoa. A little wobbly.

82. Guess my legs fell asleep.

83. Aah!

84. Stewie, Daddy can't feel his legs. Go get help!

85. I'm hanging from a door, you idiot!

86. By the way, you're down to five percent battery.

87. Oh, damn it, my head.

88. Well, no wonder... you're running all the apps at once.

89. Sir? Sir, can you hear me?

90. There he is.

91. Welcome back, buddy.

92. - Who are you? - I'm a paramedic.

93. Name's Stryker Foxx.

94. Oh, Lois just texted.

95. "Burgers or meatballs for dinner?"

96. I'll text back for you.

97. "Same thing, bitch. Just different shapes."

98. Oh, this is gonna be fun.

99. Oh, battery died.

100. Sir, you've sustained a head injury.

101. How many chicken fingers am I holding up, and do you want one?

102. Three, and hell yeah!

103. Mmm. Aw. These are amazing!

104. Did I die and go to heaven?

105. Well, you didn't die, 'cause I saved you.

106. And you're not in heaven 'cause you're not holding a margarita.

107. Oh, wait a minute, yes, you are.

108. You brought a lot of food in the bathroom.

109. I always do.

110. Oh, my God.

111. Are you the coolest guy ever?

112. Ah, that's just a silly title they gave me

113. down at the Karate Paintball Dirt Bike Club.

114. Awesome!

115. Okay, well, bandaged you up.

116. You should be good to go.

117. But just be more careful next time.

118. I know. What a stupid injury, huh?

119. I haven't been this embarrassed

120. since I was a rookie firefighter.

121. Sorry, first day. Still learning.

122. Hey, Stryker, wait!

123. Hey, listen, I just wanted to say thanks again

124. for patching me up.

125. No problem, buddy.

126. Hey, that's an interesting necklace you got there.

127. Oh, this? It's from when I was a kid.

128. It's half of a "best friend" coin.

129. I always had this crazy dream

130. that one day I'd run into the guy with the other half.

131. Oh, my God. Cody?

132. Oh, that must be the name of the dead surfer I found this on.

133. We now return to the Olympics.

134. Ugh, it's so annoying.

135. They always use football announcers

136. for events they know nothing about.

137. The players are ready to take the swimming field.

138. And they're swimming!

139. They appear to be doing the forward stroke.

140. My neighbor has a pool.

141. I'll take a dip if I know they're on vacation.

142. It's neck-and-neck, and it looks like Canada won!

143. Uh, no, they're going back the other way.

144. What do you think? How do I look?

145. Like a gas station energy drink.

146. But you put that on to go to the Clam?

147. Aren't the guys gonna think you're a little overdressed?

148. Oh, I'm not hanging out with the guys.

149. I met someone new.

150. His name's Stryker and he's really cool.

151. Like, he's one of those guys whose forearm hair

152. makes his watch look even cooler.

153. It's Stryker!

154. I want him to think I was listening to a cool song.

155. Yeah, who dis?

156. Oh, hey, man.

157. Oh, nothing much. Just getting slurped.

158. - Ew. - Oh, you're almost here?

159. Okay, just, uh, just give me a second

160. so I can put away all my guitars.

161. Okay, Seacrest out. Bye.

162. What the hell was that?

163. Lay off. Nothing.

164. Hey, Peter.

165. Hey, man. Hola, cha-cha, hi-hi.

166. - Peter! - I don't know. It's-it's this house.

167. I-I got to get out of this house.

168. Boy, Dad sure seems excited.

169. I know. I haven't seen him this giddy

170. since he discovered that single-loop roller coaster.

171. Ah...

172. Ah...

173. Ah...

174. Uh, don't feel so good.

175. Ew!

176. Ah...

177. Ew!

178. Ah...

179. Ew!

180. Wow, what a cool loft.

181. I bet it cost a ton to make this place look unfinished.

182. Hey, come over here. There's someone I want

183. to introduce you to, 1997 George Clooney.

184. Wow! That's the coolest George Clooney there is!

185. Hi, George Clooney, second worst Batman.

186. Peter Griffin, second best Homer.

187. You may have heard, I'm also known

188. for my practical jokes on the set.

189. One time, I nailed Nora Dunn in the head with an apple.

190. That-that's hilarious 'cause you're handsome.

191. Otherwise, you're just some dick who hit a lady.

192. Aw, thanks for bringing me here, Stryker.

193. I'm having the best time ever.

194. Even better than when I lived in Santa Fe.

195. Have you ever seen a prettier sunset?

196. Never.

197. It's just so peaceful here.

198. It sure is.

199. Mm. Sure is.

200. Did you also have a very public meltdown in another city?

201. - I did. - Yeah. Yeah.

202. Ugh, it's the guys.

203. What do those losers want?

204. Losers? Those are your friends.

205. Nah, they're lame.

206. Not one of them has ever vaped at a funeral.

207. Hey, Peter. Hey, what are you doing tonight?

208. We're gonna watch Cleveland

209. put a garbage can full of coins in a Coinstar.

210. Sometimes it takes my buttons.

211. Eh, thanks, guys, but I-I can't make it.

212. I'm, um, I'm getting re-circumcised.

213. Got a wedding next week.

214. I just want to clean it up a bit.

215. - Oh, well, that's too bad. - Yeah, maybe next time.

216. That sounds horrible.

217. Peter, why did you just lie to the guys?

218. 'Cause I got plans with Stryker.

219. I don't want them to embarrass me.

220. Eh, I get where he's coming from.

221. That's why I never introduce you to my friends.

222. What friends?

223. Like the guys in my photography club.

224. "Dear Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones

225. and Jared from Subway,

226. I feel like I'm the only one sending pics.

227. I love all the positive feedback,

228. but maybe you guys send a pic?

229. Anyway, here's more pics."

230. Hey, you ever try that? Wingsuiting?

231. I mean, basically, yeah.

232. One time, I jumped off a top bunk

233. with a towel around my neck like a cape.

234. It was inside the IKEA.

235. I landed on a cardboard computer.

236. We should totally do that sometime.

237. Nah, I can't go back there.

238. They got my picture by the door.

239. Hey, he is in here.

240. What the hell are you guys doing here?

241. We were coming back from the Coinstar

242. and saw your car out front.

243. Rough night. Turns out the can was all buttons.

244. We're not gonna make our mortgage.

245. What are you doing here?

246. I thought you were too busy to go out tonight.

247. Peter, who are your friends?

248. Oh, um... Stryker, this is Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland.

249. How do you two know each other?

250. Did you meet at the Harry Potter store?

251. Peter loves that place.

252. It was one wand and I was using a gift certificate.

253. No, we actually met when I was administering first aid to him.

254. - I'm a paramedic. - For real?

255. Hey, can I show you seven or eight things on my body

256. and ask for medical diagnosises?

257. This thing here that looks like a second elbow,

258. I don't know what it is.

259. Feels like it's filled with liquid.

260. Well, I could take a look at it.

261. No, no, no, guys, guys, it's his night off.

262. I have two pee holes.

263. Stop it! Stop it. Guys, can I talk to you?

264. Look, this, this right here

265. is exactly why I've been avoiding you.

266. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.

267. Who cares? He's just some dude.

268. He's not "just some dude."

269. He happens to be the first really cool friend

270. I've ever had.

271. What are you talking about? We're cool.

272. You are absolutely not cool.

273. Oh, yeah?

274. Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say,

275. "Cool wheelchair, dick"?

276. Hey, look, Peter, if you're so embarrassed by us

277. and you think we're losers,

278. well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either.

279. Good. Who needs you bums? I got Stryker.

280. Oh, yeah?

281. Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk.

282. Cool wheelchair, dick.

283. Thanks. Did you see the backpack hanging off it?

284. Wow, you know,

285. I never thought I could be talked into wingsuiting.

286. You're gonna love it.

287. It's just a short hike from here to the summit.

288. A hike? It's no problem.

289. Shouldn't affect my old football injury.

290. I spilled hot chili on my nuts.

291. You're a riot, Peter.

292. Hey, you sure you're up for this?

293. Oh, hell yeah. When I commit to something, I go all the way,

294. like when I had Kathleen Turner's voice.

295. Good morning, guys.

296. Peter, what's wrong with your voice?

297. I got punched in the throat at the Clam last night.

298. Now I sound exactly like Kathleen Turner.

299. I'm just gonna get my stromboli.

300. Hey! Get away from my stromboli, Kathleen Turner!

301. Wow, that's, uh... that's some view.

302. I know, isn't it?

303. You see that rock formation over there?

304. We're gonna fly right through the center of it.

305. It's called threading the needle.

306. Totally intense.

307. Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. Or-or how about this?

308. Maybe you jump off this cliff

309. and I spin around over there and sing Sound of Music.

310. Or-or we could just go home and watch Sound of Music.

311. I can see you're a little nervous, Peter,

312. but I'm telling you, it is easier than you think.

313. Watch.

314. Wow, look at him go.

315. You know, just when I thought

316. he couldn't get any cooler, he goes...

317. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

318. Oh! What-what just... There's almost nothing left of him!

319. And I just know I'm gonna be the one

320. to have to intify the body.

321. That's him. Poor guy.

322. He looks like a bowl of tomato soup.

323. Guy next to him died in a fire

324. He looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.

325. Oh, these two poor souls are the best combination

326. for a rainy Saturday.

327. So, hey, guys.

328. What are we drinking? Beer?

329. Hey, Quagmire, how about one of your famous sexual stories?

330. Take a hike, Peter.

331. Ah, oh, you-you mean something Joe can't do?

332. Friendly jokes indicating closeness.

333. We heard about Stryker dying.

334. Ah, craps.

335. Yeah, give it up.

336. We know the only reason you're here

337. is 'cause your cool friend is gone.

338. That's right. We're not your floppy seconds, Peter.

339. It's actually "sloppy."

340. Well, for me, it's both.

341. But listen, you really hurt our feelings.

342. You can't just treat us like garbage and then expect us

343. to take you back like nothing happened.

344. Okay, that's-that's too bad 'cause that was kind of my plan.

345. Well, you can go to hell, Peter.

346. We're tired of you taking us for granted.

347. Yeah, and this isn't even the first time

348. you ditched us for someone else.

349. Remember when you blew us off

350. to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld?

351. Julia Louis-Dreyfus has a lot of Emmys now.

352. Yeah.

353. Why did your wife steal that cookbook?

354. Peter, I'm sorry about your friend Stryker.

355. I know it's got to be hard to watch a man explode

356. like a bug on a windshield.

357. No, it's not that...

358. I mean, I do see that every time I close my eyes...

359. But it's the guys.

360. They're really mad at me, and I'm-I'm afraid

361. they don't want to be friends with me anymore.

362. Well, it's hard to blame them.

363. You treated them like you don't even care about them.

364. I do care about them.

365. It's just, when I hung around with Stryker,

366. people thought I was cool, and it-it felt good.

367. No one ever thinks I'm cool.

368. Your friends thought you were cool, until you dumped them.

369. Oh, wow, I guess you're right.

370. I treated them like crap.

371. I just got to find a way to make it up to them.

372. You got any ideas?

373. Mom? Dad? Can Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones

374. and Jared from Subway spend the night?

375. I don't know, Peter,

376. but it's got to be something really meaningful,

377. because imagine how they feel.

378. After all, you were willing to jump off a cliff for Stryker.

379. Well, they didn't say yes, but they didn't say no.

380. You're right.

381. Thanks, Lois.

382. And now I know exactly what I have to do.

383. Uh, where the hell are you going?

384. Lois told me to go jump off a cliff

385. to prove my friendship to the guys.

386. Are-are you, are you sure that's what she said?

387. I-I don't know, Brian. Her shirt was kind of open.

388. I was trying to get a peek down there.

389. Anyway, I got to go jump off a cliff.

390. Peter, wait. H-Hold on. This is crazy!

391. Damn it.

392. Where's Peter going?

393. Huh?

394. Oh, for God's sake.

395. Hey, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe.

396. It's your buddy, Peter, and I'm about to thread the needle

397. to prove to you guys how sorry I am

398. and that I'd do anything to win you back.

399. And if something goes wrong and I don't survive,

400. you can go ahead and delete

401. the Kennedy Center Honors from my DVR.

402. I'm-I'm never gonna watch that.

403. Okay, here goes nothing.

404. I just wish the sponsor on msuit was a little cooler.

405. Peter, stop!

406. Don't jump!

407. Brian told us you were gonna...

408. Why are you wearing a douche suit?

409. They also make wipes!

410. They're not known for their wipes.

411. Peter, you don't have to jump off a cliff

412. to prove you're sorry.

413. Not all of us believe that, but we took a vote

414. and I agreed I'd respect the majority.

415. Look, you really treated us badly,

416. but the fact that you'd be willing

417. to literally risk your life just to show us how much you care,

418. well, that says a lot.

419. Listen, I'm so sorry.

420. If being cool means don't get to hang out with you guys,

421. then I don't ever want to be cool.

422. What do you say? Can we just go back to being friends?

423. - Of course. - You bet.

424. Totes McGoats.

425. "Totes McGoats"?

426. Maybe you guys are cool. Fist bump.

427. Ah, crap!

428. - Oh, my God! - Peter!

429. Should I shoot him, make it go quicker?

430. I got a shot.

431. Too late. You didn't answer quick enough.

432. Hey, I'm doing it.

433. This ain't so hard.

434. Guys, I'm gonna do it!

435. I'm gonna thread the needle!

436. What? We can't hear you!

437. We're very far away!

438. Oh, my God, I did it!

439. I was actually able to thread the...

440. Oh, crap, Canadian goose.

441. Look out, eh?

442. Oh! Damn it! Ah! Son of a bitch!

443. I think I'm okay.

444. Ah, nickels!

445. Well, it's good to be back, you guys.

446. A-And I'm sorry again I dumped you for Stryker.

447. Who the hell is this Stryker guy you keep talking about?

448. What do you mean? He's that cool,

449. handsome guy I was friends with.

450. He's the whole reason I went wingsuiting and hurt my head.

451. Wingsuiting?

452. Peter, you hurt your head in a ladies' bathroom.

453. Yeah, your legs fell asleep and you bashed it against a sink.

454. You were in a coma for two weeks.

455. You must've dreamed about this Stryker or something.

456. No, we were buddies.

457. We rode on his motorcycle.

458. And he introduced me to 1997 George Clooney.

459. Okay, well, right there you should've known it wasn't real.

460. Huh.

461. Well, whether it was real or not,

462. I want you to know you are the best friends I've ever had.

463. Of course we know that, Peter.

464. Yeah, and we feel the same way.

465. Hey, this is a really weird question,

466. but do you boys want to go out dancing?

467. That night,

468. we danced until the sun came up.

469. We forgot all about my coma

470. and my crazy dream about a cool guy.

471. We were just four middle-aged men

472. doing Ecstasy at a Mexican prom.

473. I'm Peter Griffin, and these are my stories.