1. Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck.Copy !req
2. The Waldorf and Statler
of every thrift store.Copy !req
3. The selection here stinks.Copy !req
4. Yeah, and so do the customers.Copy !req
5. Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.Copy !req
6. Hey, Brian, remember Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants?Copy !req
7. They have the magic girl-power jeans.Copy !req
8. Holy crap, what happened?Copy !req
9. I don't know. I-I think
I turned into America Ferrera.Copy !req
10. I don't want this. Help! Someone, help!Copy !req
11. Looking passable, Stewie.Copy !req
12. Looking damn passable.Copy !req
13. Aw, crap, people we know.
You know the drill.Copy !req
14. We're donating, not buying.Copy !req
15. Just doing our part to give back
to the community.Copy !req
16. I'm gonna go wait in the alley.Copy !req
17. Could you just ball them up
and throw them out the window?Copy !req
18. Putting on strangers' hats
is always a good idea.Copy !req
19. - Thank you for your service.
- Huh?Copy !req
20. My father's a veteran, too.Copy !req
21. Thank you for protecting us
and for posting revenge pornCopy !req
22. on Marine Corps message boards.Copy !req
23. Oh, actually, I'm not...Copy !req
24. I'm gonna start a trend
of interrupting your sentences.Copy !req
25. Well, no, it's just a hat. I didn't...Copy !req
26. Thank you for your service.Copy !req
27. Bless you and all of our veterans.Copy !req
28. No, guys, I-I'm not really a vet...Copy !req
29. I don't have time to hear
the rest of your sentence,Copy !req
30. but thank you for being a veteranCopy !req
31. because you're definitely a veteran.Copy !req
32. And I'm Cris Collinsworth
from NBC Sunday Night Football.Copy !req
33. On behalf of all TV football dummies,Copy !req
34. thank you for your service.Copy !req
35. You're-you're welcome.Copy !req
36. Wow. Feels real good to be a veteran,Copy !req
37. even better than buying
a bottle of Newman's Own.Copy !req
38. This makes me a good person.Copy !req
39. Hey, someone just bought a
bottle of bland salad dressing.Copy !req
40. Now we can use all proceeds
to do jihad stuff.Copy !req
41. Hey, Peter, what's with the hat?Copy !req
42. - I'm pretending to be a veteran.
- What?Copy !req
43. Yeah, it's awesome.
Vets get all the sweet deals.Copy !req
44. I mean, you never see a homeless vet.Copy !req
45. And people have been really nice.Copy !req
46. Everywhere I go, they open doors for me.Copy !req
47. Welcome, sir.Copy !req
48. Thank you.Copy !req
49. Hey, so when really fat people come,Copy !req
50. make sure we're opening both doors.Copy !req
51. Guys, you could be veterans, too.Copy !req
52. Look what happens
when I put on sunglasses.Copy !req
53. - Wow!
- I want to try.Copy !req
54. It's loud being a veteran!Copy !req
55. The hell is wrong with you guys?Copy !req
56. Do I need to remind you
I actually am a veteran?Copy !req
57. And I'm sickened by the thought
of trolling for free handoutsCopy !req
58. on account of being a vet,
much less pretending to be one.Copy !req
59. Quagmire, what if
I told you your glassesCopy !req
60. do "Playing With The Boys"?Copy !req
61. The volleyball scene?Copy !req
62. Go ahead, give it a whirl.Copy !req
63. Whoa! It's like I'm high-fiving
with Anthony Edwards.Copy !req
64. And it's not like I'd be lying.Copy !req
65. There we go. Hey, another round
for me and my veteran buddies.Copy !req
66. Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.Copy !req
67. Well, that's great,
but I'm not your dad.Copy !req
68. I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a
groupie I brought here for sex.Copy !req
69. Dad, Family Guy just...Copy !req
70. See, now, that's my daughter.Copy !req
71. You guys got your video cameras ready?Copy !req
72. Yeah. What's going on?Copy !req
73. Well, as a veteran, I get
to star in a viral YouTube videoCopy !req
74. of me reuniting with my beloved pet.Copy !req
75. So here goes.Copy !req
76. My pet is Christian the lion.Copy !req
77. I'm doing two Internet things at once.Copy !req
78. This is my heterosexual roommate, Ace,Copy !req
79. with whom I shared the lion
two decades ago.Copy !req
80. - You look great, Peter.
- I have a family now!Copy !req
81. You know, guys, if being
a veteran is about anything,Copy !req
82. it's about getting half-hearted applauseCopy !req
83. on a Southwest Airlines flight.Copy !req
84. Veterans.Copy !req
85. Yay, veterans.Copy !req
86. Holy crap, you're Eric Dane
from Marley and Me,Copy !req
87. and other stuff!Copy !req
88. I'm afraid you got to give us
your front-of-the-plane seatsCopy !req
89. 'cause that's what celebrities
do for veterans.Copy !req
90. Well, clear out, kids.Copy !req
91. It's just part of the Hollywood deal.Copy !req
92. Thank you. Thanks.Copy !req
93. Thank you so much. This is why I served.Copy !req
94. "USS Nathan James"?Copy !req
95. Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.Copy !req
96. The Nathan James is the fictitious shipCopy !req
97. on TNT's The Last Ship, starring
Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.Copy !req
98. - And Eric Dane.
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
99. You guys aren't veterans at all.
You're frauds.Copy !req
100. Okay, we ain't real vets.Copy !req
101. Quagmire served in the Navy.Copy !req
102. The rest of us are charlatans.Copy !req
103. - Boo!
- You're terrible!Copy !req
104. I fly Southwest to have a classy
experience and you've ruined it.Copy !req
105. Excuse me, gentlemen.
You're under arrest.Copy !req
106. What? Why?Copy !req
107. You three are in violation
of the Stolen Valor Act,Copy !req
108. which makes it a crime
to pretend to be a veteran.Copy !req
109. Oh, so suddenly it's a crime
to break the law?Copy !req
110. Mr. Quagmire, you're free to go,Copy !req
111. but the rest of you
will have to come with me.Copy !req
112. I thought we had it bad,Copy !req
113. being gay overhead bins.Copy !req
114. What makes us gay?Copy !req
115. We've got bags in our mouths.Copy !req
116. Hey, quick, put these on.Copy !req
117. They're not gonna throw
a veteran in jail.Copy !req
118. Is this some kind of joke to you?Copy !req
119. No, it was a sincere idea.Copy !req
120. Real servicemen and womenCopy !req
121. have made real sacrifices
for this country.Copy !req
122. And you. You're an actual
veteran; you should know better.Copy !req
123. I'm sorry.Copy !req
124. You made a mockery
of our whole family, Glenn.Copy !req
125. Now, everywhere I go,Copy !req
126. it's like people are staring
at me and whispering.Copy !req
127. Court is now in session.Copy !req
128. Judge Dignified Q. Blackman presiding.Copy !req
129. You men are accused of violating
the Stolen Valor Act,Copy !req
130. and that's years of jail time.Copy !req
131. We forgot to get a lawyer.Copy !req
132. But in view of your long service
to comedy,Copy !req
133. I'm willing to offer a deal.Copy !req
134. What kind of deal?Copy !req
135. I'll waive the charges,
but only on the conditionCopy !req
136. that you men enlist
in the military for real.Copy !req
137. You three have to join the Marines.Copy !req
138. Oh, my God. We could be killed!
Please, no!Copy !req
139. All right, how about the Coast Guard?Copy !req
140. Yeah, that's fine.Copy !req
141. - Wow.
- Something happened.Copy !req
142. Something just happened in court.Copy !req
143. Glenn, if you were half the man
I used to be,Copy !req
144. you'd stand up and join them.Copy !req
145. Your Honor? I'd like to sign up, too.Copy !req
146. Oh, my God.Copy !req
147. I was checking my phone. What happened?Copy !req
148. Excuse me?Copy !req
149. That's right. I'm going with them.Copy !req
150. The four of us will join
the Coast Guard together.Copy !req
151. All right. Report to
the induction center tomorrow.Copy !req
152. Court is adjourned.Copy !req
153. The People v. Ted 2.Copy !req
154. Okay, come on, let's get out
of here. Let's go. Let's go.Copy !req
155. Good morning, recruits.Copy !req
156. Welcome to the Coast Guard.Copy !req
157. Sir, when do we report
for basic training, sir?Copy !req
158. Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff?Copy !req
159. This is just the Coast Guard.Copy !req
160. Now, come on. Who here can
pantomime driving a boat?Copy !req
161. Hmm, we got any boat guys here?Copy !req
162. Whoa, look at that.Copy !req
163. You guys should be recruiting me.Copy !req
164. Now can you bounce
with the waves a little bit?Copy !req
165. Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy.Copy !req
166. Is this guy for real? This is idiotic.Copy !req
167. This is nothing like what the Navy was.Copy !req
168. Shh, Quagmire, I got to focus
on my boat here.Copy !req
169. The way people's talking makes me thinkCopy !req
170. we're gonna be dealing
with a lot of water.Copy !req
171. You guys seem to have what it takes,Copy !req
172. so raise your right hand as
I recite the Coast Guard pledge.Copy !req
173. "When you're here, you're family."Copy !req
174. - Isn't that the slogan for...?
- We had it first!Copy !req
175. Everybody ships out tomorrow.Copy !req
176. You'll find your assignments
listed on this sheet.Copy !req
177. Oh, crap. Where in Iraq
is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?Copy !req
178. Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.Copy !req
179. We're being shipped out to guard
freakin' spring break.Copy !req
180. - Sweet!
- All right!Copy !req
181. Spring break on the land, not the water!Copy !req
182. No, it's not sweet. It's a joke.
This whole thing is a joke!Copy !req
183. Compared to the Navy,
the Coast Guard is totallyCopy !req
184. unprofessional and incompetent,
like that ancient Roman intern.Copy !req
185. This is Markus. Today's his first day.Copy !req
186. He's going to be crucifying you now.Copy !req
187. He might want to use his hammer.Copy !req
188. Ugh, sorry. I'm so bad at this.Copy !req
189. Relax, you're doing fine.Copy !req
190. Well, I'm off.Copy !req
191. Oh, Peter, I'm so worried.Copy !req
192. - Where are they stationing you?
- I can't tell you.Copy !req
193. That is on a knead-the-dough basis.Copy !req
194. - Florida?
- Shh!Copy !req
195. Hey, you be safe.Copy !req
196. Wait, Dad, before you go,
can you teach me to shave?Copy !req
197. Well, for starters, bud, that's
supposed to be on your pubes.Copy !req
198. You got a secret inch
hiding under there.Copy !req
199. This is what I'm gonna be missing.Copy !req
200. Well, that's an unrelated car honking,Copy !req
201. but I'm gonna go now.Copy !req
202. Fort Lauderdale, Florida,Copy !req
203. where all the art in every
dentist's office comes from.Copy !req
204. All right, let's get to work.
Grab your binoculars.Copy !req
205. We got to practice
doing funny double-takesCopy !req
206. upon seeing a bikini woman.Copy !req
207. Sir, should I say, "Aaoogah," sir?Copy !req
208. Affirmative. And, Joe, I order
you to just let the binocularsCopy !req
209. fall right out of your hands,
but you don't even noticeCopy !req
210. 'cause of how foxy the woman is.Copy !req
211. All right, yeah.Copy !req
212. I can see that we got the right
skill set for this assignment.Copy !req
213. Okay, guys, knock it off.Copy !req
214. But, Quagmire, there's
spring break boobs everywhere!Copy !req
215. Come on, guys, I mean it.Copy !req
216. This is important. I want you
to start acting like it.Copy !req
217. - Wow, he's serious.
- He's very serious.Copy !req
218. We're in the motel now.Copy !req
219. Guys, we have to complete
a 160-point inspectionCopy !req
220. of this coastal patrol cutter.Copy !req
221. I'll call them out.Copy !req
222. Item one: Hydraulic grapple-winch.Copy !req
223. Guys?Copy !req
224. We're over here,
painting clever names on boats.Copy !req
225. No, Peter, it's supposed
to be short and poppy.Copy !req
226. Oh, okay.Copy !req
227. Okay, guys, while I scan
for disabled watercraft,Copy !req
228. I need a status report
on that hydraulic grapple-winch.Copy !req
229. Guys?Copy !req
230. We're busy;
we're hanging out with Aquaman.Copy !req
231. I told you, I'm not Aquaman.Copy !req
232. I am the Sub-Mariner.Copy !req
233. - What's your deal?
- I'm just like Aquaman,Copy !req
234. but I can't get fish to do things.Copy !req
235. That's the big thing.Copy !req
236. I mean, isn't that all Aquaman does?Copy !req
237. No, he can also breathe underwater,Copy !req
238. and he's strong, like me.Copy !req
239. Isn't everyone strong underwater?Copy !req
240. No, no. Not like me.Copy !req
241. I can punch a big octopus
a really long way.Copy !req
242. Hey, guys.Copy !req
243. - Hey, Aquaman!
- Yeah!Copy !req
244. Hey, make a fish do something.Copy !req
245. Aw, shucks, guys, I don't know.Copy !req
246. I guess I could do
something like... this.Copy !req
247. Wow, a real superhero.Copy !req
248. I-I have little wings on my feet!Copy !req
249. No, just-just, shh, shh.
Ju... it's over.Copy !req
250. It's over.Copy !req
251. Hey, can you guys
keep it down for a bit?Copy !req
252. I got to have a FaceTime
conversation with my wifeCopy !req
253. where we talk at the same time,
and then stop,Copy !req
254. and then start again, then laugh.Copy !req
255. - Hi, hon...
- Hi, hon...Copy !req
256. - No, no, you go...
- You go ahead.Copy !req
257. - No, I...
- Go ahead.Copy !req
258. - Y-You first.
- You first.Copy !req
259. - Hi, Pop.
- Oh, God, Stewie.Copy !req
260. You've gotten so big.Copy !req
261. No, I'm just in the foreground.Copy !req
262. You're as tall as your mother now.Copy !req
263. He... he doesn't understand perspective.Copy !req
264. All right, let me say good-bye to Mommy.Copy !req
265. - Well, you take ca...
- Good-bye, hon...Copy !req
266. - You go...
- Oh, what?Copy !req
267. - You go...
- No, I was just gonna say...Copy !req
268. Everything stinks.Copy !req
269. - Hey, Quagmire, where you going?
- I'm going home.Copy !req
270. - What? Why?
- 'Cause I'm sick of this.Copy !req
271. I'm the only one
taking the job seriously.Copy !req
272. Hell, you guys still don't
even know how to operateCopy !req
273. a simple hydraulic grapple-winch.Copy !req
274. Okay, that's the third time
you've mentionedCopy !req
275. the hydraulic grapple-winch.Copy !req
276. Is that gonna be important for later?Copy !req
277. I feel like maybe it is.Copy !req
278. Quagmire, you can't just go home.Copy !req
279. We're stationed here.Copy !req
280. I wasn't sentenced, but I came anywayCopy !req
281. because I thought I could try
and teach my friendsCopy !req
282. what it means to serve
their country, the way I did.Copy !req
283. But you're hopeless, so I'm done.Copy !req
284. And I'm still the voiceCopy !req
285. of Cris Collinsworth, and I'm done, too.Copy !req
286. Uhp, closet.Copy !req
287. Now I got it.Copy !req
288. Aw.Copy !req
289. I disappointed the stupidest guy
in football.Copy !req
290. - I got to go take a sad pee.
- Me, too.Copy !req
291. We should probably all go
urinate together, outdoors,Copy !req
292. as a group of guys, while
wearing backwards baseball caps,Copy !req
293. per Fort Lauderdale municipal law.Copy !req
294. The Florida ways are the best ways.Copy !req
295. Are we ready to attack?Copy !req
296. We are! And many people will die.Copy !req
297. What the hell's that?Copy !req
298. Are we ready to attack?Copy !req
299. We are! And many people will die.Copy !req
300. - Oh, my God.
- Those evil frat boysCopy !req
301. are planning to kill spring break.Copy !req
302. And they only had time to record
two lines of dialogue.Copy !req
303. Are we ready to attack?Copy !req
304. We are! And many people will die.Copy !req
305. - We got to stop them.
- All right, let's just findCopy !req
306. a quiet place to come up with a plan.Copy !req
307. All right, here's what we do!Copy !req
308. We track down...Copy !req
309. we saw talking and...Copy !req
310. Joe, you get us some...Copy !req
311. And, Cleveland, I want you to get...Copy !req
312. buildings in the city.Copy !req
313. I'm still very unclear about the plan!Copy !req
314. Three more banana daiquiris.Copy !req
315. We track down the...Copy !req
316. Did you see all
of those guns and weaponsCopy !req
317. those evil frat boys had?Copy !req
318. I sure did.Copy !req
319. And we still haven't nailed down
a date for visiting Epcot.Copy !req
320. But what can we do?Copy !req
321. Quagmire was the only
real soldier among us.Copy !req
322. You're right. Compared to him,Copy !req
323. we're about as useless as one of
those automatic bathroom sinks.Copy !req
324. Uhp. Uhp.Copy !req
325. Uhp.Copy !req
326. Uhp.Copy !req
327. Uhp. Uhp.Copy !req
328. Uhp. Uhp. Uhp.Copy !req
329. Uhp.Copy !req
330. Uhp. Uhp.Copy !req
331. What the hell are you doing?
This is a women's bathroom.Copy !req
332. Uhp.Copy !req
333. Come on, guys, we don't need
Quagmire to do the right thing.Copy !req
334. I love that movie.Copy !req
335. If there's gonna be an attack
at spring break,Copy !req
336. we can't just stand by while
people get hurt, or even killed.Copy !req
337. Joe's right. It's up to us to stop it.Copy !req
338. Because we're in the Coast Guard,Copy !req
339. and when you're here, you're family.Copy !req
340. - Great!
- Yeah!Copy !req
341. - Ooh!
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
342. That food was all very salty.Copy !req
343. There's so many people.Copy !req
344. We got to find those frat boys.
Look for anything suspicious.Copy !req
345. The Coors party ball is a dirty bomb!Copy !req
346. No, Peter, it's not; it's just
the coolest, freshest wayCopy !req
347. to keep your party rolling
is what it is.Copy !req
348. This is hopeless!Copy !req
349. There's no way
to guess what their target is.Copy !req
350. Final boarding callCopy !req
351. for the "Are We Ready To Attack, We Are,Copy !req
352. And Many People Will Die" booze cruise.Copy !req
353. Okay, I got a feeling about that one.Copy !req
354. - Let's go!
- No, guys.Copy !req
355. We'll never make it on foot.Copy !req
356. We got to steal that kid's Jet Ski.Copy !req
357. Peter, the boat's right there.
We'll totally make it.Copy !req
358. It's the only way, guys!Copy !req
359. Peter, we're now literally
standing on the boat.Copy !req
360. That's how close the boat is.Copy !req
361. Made it!Copy !req
362. - You wanted to ride the Jet Ski.
- I wanted to ride the Jet Ski.Copy !req
363. How much you reckon
a boat like this cost?Copy !req
364. All right, everybody, freeze!
This is the U.S. Coast Guard.Copy !req
365. And when you're here, you're family.Copy !req
366. Anyway, U.S. Coast Guard.
You kids are...Copy !req
367. What are we gonna do?
We're way outgunned.Copy !req
368. Are any of you familiarCopy !req
369. with what's referred to
as a "Leeroy Jenkins"?Copy !req
370. Well, I don't know what that is,Copy !req
371. but let's make a very long,
elaborate plan.Copy !req
372. All right, so I'll run in first
and use an intimidating shout.Copy !req
373. When my shout's done,Copy !req
374. I'll need Joe to come in
and use his shout, too.Copy !req
375. What do you think, Joe?Copy !req
376. Can you give me
a number crunch real quick?Copy !req
377. Yeah, give me a sec.
I'm coming up with, uh,Copy !req
378. 32.33, repeating, of course.Copy !req
379. Okay, that's a lot better
than we usually do.Copy !req
380. - So let's...
- Leeroy Jenkins!Copy !req
381. Oh, my God, he just ran in.
Let's go! Stick to the plan!Copy !req
382. Let's go, let's go!Copy !req
383. Aw, man.Copy !req
384. Aw, we're dying.Copy !req
385. Damn it, Cleveland.Copy !req
386. Where'd they get dragons?Copy !req
387. These guys have magic, guys.Copy !req
388. I can't move.Copy !req
389. Oh, God!Copy !req
390. You know, Cleveland, you're an idiot.Copy !req
391. This episode has
a lot of Internet things.Copy !req
392. Ah, crap, we're gonna die.Copy !req
393. Freeze!Copy !req
394. Quagmire, you came back!Copy !req
395. That's right. Because I'm in
the U.S. Coast Guard.Copy !req
396. - And when you're here...
- Oh, no, don't say it!Copy !req
397. Ah, I'm glad you came back, buddy.Copy !req
398. You really saved the day.Copy !req
399. Hey, where'd you get the machine gun?Copy !req
400. From the coastal patrol cutter.Copy !req
401. "Machine gun" is item 49
of the 160-point inspection.Copy !req
402. Oh, that was when I was writing
homosexual stuff on the boat.Copy !req
403. - Too bad about the bomb.
- Bomb?Copy !req
404. Yep. Right here on the boat.Copy !req
405. Soon you will all do
the foamy dance of death.Copy !req
406. We are! And many people will die.Copy !req
407. He just says that one thing.Copy !req
408. The bomb is hidden in the foam.Copy !req
409. Where is it?Copy !req
410. - Have you found it?
- No.Copy !req
411. I was thinking next Thursday
for Epcot, but no bomb.Copy !req
412. You're wasting your time;
the bomb will activateCopy !req
413. the moment the floor stops vibrating.Copy !req
414. Did you hear that? Twerk!Copy !req
415. Twerk like you're Miley CyrusCopy !req
416. trying to prove something to your dad!Copy !req
417. Found it!Copy !req
418. We're all gonna die!Copy !req
419. Oh, no, we're not.
I stole a Jet Ski from a kid.Copy !req
420. Ha, ha!Copy !req
421. Oh, I forgot they do that.Copy !req
422. Hydraulic grapple-winch!Copy !req
423. - Oh, yeah!
- From earlier!Copy !req
424. - We did it! It's over.
- 'Cause of you.Copy !req
425. Thanks for saving us, Quagmire.Copy !req
426. Eh, I was just doing my duty.
Just like you did.Copy !req
427. Good job, soldier.Copy !req
428. Anyway, what matters is everyone's okay,Copy !req
429. thanks to the Coast Guard.Copy !req
430. Because when you're here...Copy !req
431. I'm not going back to that restaurant.Copy !req