1. Lovely day for a walk, eh, Holmes?Copy !req
2. Yes, just look at our great
city, bustling with activity.Copy !req
3. Even the chimney sweeps
are hard at work.Copy !req
4. It's all dirty in here.Copy !req
5. I don't care. Keep going.Copy !req
6. Shouldn't I wear
some sort of protective suit?Copy !req
7. Why? Don't you trust me?Copy !req
8. I do, but our friend Bartholomew
went in lots of chimneysCopy !req
9. in the '80s, and now he's sick.Copy !req
10. Holmes, there's something
I have to tell you.Copy !req
11. - I'm getting married...
- I deduce, Watson,Copy !req
12. - that you're getting married.
- I just said that.Copy !req
13. Yes, but I had deduced it first.Copy !req
14. That's what happened.Copy !req
15. So, congratulations.Copy !req
16. Thank you.Copy !req
17. I thought you might be upsetCopy !req
18. because we won't be able
to solve mysteries...Copy !req
19. Solve mysteries together.Copy !req
20. Elementary.Copy !req
21. Crown Jewels stolen!Copy !req
22. "Another one bites the dust,"
says Queen.Copy !req
23. And coming up, Russia and PrussiaCopy !req
24. still named basically the same thing.Copy !req
25. Ghastly. Who would have
the audacity to steal the crownCopy !req
26. off the queen's head?Copy !req
27. Only one man, Watson.Copy !req
28. Professor Moriarty,
the Napoleon of Crime.Copy !req
29. I've had him on the run for a year now.Copy !req
30. His criminal empire is in shambles,Copy !req
31. but he won't go quietly.Copy !req
32. I say, look, there's hotshot
20-year-old comedianCopy !req
33. Benjamin Hill.Copy !req
34. Oh. That'll be funnier
when he's older and slower.Copy !req
35. Watson, this is the boat to America.Copy !req
36. How do you know that?Copy !req
37. Because Neil Diamond is on board. Look.Copy !req
38. I really hoped
he'd be singing "America."Copy !req
39. Well, how will we know who Moriarty is?Copy !req
40. We've never seen him before.Copy !req
41. The science of deduction.Copy !req
42. Hold it right there, Professor Moriarty.Copy !req
43. Sherlock Holmes?Copy !req
44. How did you know it was me?Copy !req
45. When I see a man
about to go on a sea voyageCopy !req
46. and not wearing a topcoat,Copy !req
47. with no watch fob, and whose
spats are not fully buttoned...Copy !req
48. And the jewels hanging out of my hat?Copy !req
49. Yeah, and the jewels
hanging out of your hat.Copy !req
50. He's got a gun.
Look out, Stew... Holmes!Copy !req
51. God, this is gonna be so annoying.Copy !req
52. Watson, the scepter!Copy !req
53. Aah! Lucky shot.Copy !req
54. There was no luck involved.Copy !req
55. From the angle you were aiming the gun,Copy !req
56. I extrapolated the path of the bullet,Copy !req
57. and triangulated the deflection point...Copy !req
58. Uh, is this... is this speech for me?Copy !req
59. Because he's dead.Copy !req
60. For the court's amusement,Copy !req
61. we now present Sir William of Cosby.Copy !req
62. Well, you see, the children
of today are wearingCopy !req
63. their pantaloons so low, gazoozle,Copy !req
64. you can see the first three
layers of their undergarments,Copy !req
65. zazzle, zoozle.Copy !req
66. I get away with this
for another 122 years, you see.Copy !req
67. Hello, Your Majesty, I have
recovered the Crown Jewels.Copy !req
68. Mum, may I say, it's been
a pleasure serving you,Copy !req
69. but I've decided to retire.Copy !req
70. We are losing interest
in this conversation.Copy !req
71. It would be a wonderful cap on
my career to have a knighthood.Copy !req
72. Come, come, now, Holmes, you're not...Copy !req
73. Sometimes the bigger ladiesCopy !req
74. take a little longer, you see.Copy !req
75. Really, Holmes, why retire?Copy !req
76. There will still be crimes to solve.Copy !req
77. But with Moriarty gone,
and with you, my biographer,Copy !req
78. leaving me for marriage,
there is little point.Copy !req
79. Just gonna toss it in the old waste bin.Copy !req
80. Yup. Good-bye, detective cap.Copy !req
81. Yeah.Copy !req
82. And you, old chap, are about
to solve the biggest mysteryCopy !req
83. facing men of our time:
the wedding night.Copy !req
84. I know, I'm just, I'm just giddy
with anticipation.Copy !req
85. Lifting her nightgown,
nightshirt, evening cape,Copy !req
86. boudoir coverall, torso doily,Copy !req
87. and the various corsets
and trusses below.Copy !req
88. Exposing her shame to God,Copy !req
89. followed by brief missionary
coitus with no eye contact.Copy !req
90. And then, five months later,Copy !req
91. a stillborn child
the size of a digestive biscuit.Copy !req
92. Constance.Copy !req
93. John.Copy !req
94. - Hey.
- 'Sup?Copy !req
95. So, my betrothed,
how go the wedding plans?Copy !req
96. Oh, John, my father
is sparing no expense.Copy !req
97. Boiled beef for every guest,
fish head stew, old cheese,Copy !req
98. and men's attire will be providedCopy !req
99. by Gentlemen's Wearhouse.Copy !req
100. You're gonna fancy the way
you look, this I vouchsafe.Copy !req
101. What is it, Holmes?Copy !req
102. It's an urgent missiveCopy !req
103. from Inspector Lestrade
of Scotland Yard.Copy !req
104. Oh, darn, there's been a murder
and he's begging for my help.Copy !req
105. Oh, darn, darn, darn,
this is embarrassing.Copy !req
106. Now I've got to see if I can
dig that hat out of the trash.Copy !req
107. Come, Watson, the game is afoot.Copy !req
108. "Afoot"?Copy !req
109. "Starting,"beginning."Copy !req
110. Well, then just say that.Copy !req
111. Enjoying all the old-timey jokes?Copy !req
112. Don't worry, next week,
back to a normal episode.Copy !req
113. Hmm, this is most curious.Copy !req
114. It appears she was killed by our
old nemesis, the Scottish Brute.Copy !req
115. That's impossible, he's in prison.Copy !req
116. I put him there myself one year ago.Copy !req
117. Nevertheless,
we can't ignore the evidence.Copy !req
118. All his victims were prostitutesCopy !req
119. whose names began with the letter "V."Copy !req
120. This one's name is Veronica,
as evidencedCopy !req
121. by this satin softball jacket
that bears her name.Copy !req
122. These threads are from
a Scotsman's plaid kilt.Copy !req
123. The telltale locks of red hair.Copy !req
124. But most significantly,
the Scottish Brute replacedCopy !req
125. his victims' intestines with bagpipes.Copy !req
126. Want to give it a whirl?Copy !req
127. How could he accomplish
this murder from prison?Copy !req
128. He couldn't.Copy !req
129. There are only
two possible explanations:Copy !req
130. either there's a murderer who has copiedCopy !req
131. the Scottish Brute's methods,
or I put the wrong man away.Copy !req
132. What are you in for?Copy !req
133. Ah, I Rathboned somebody's Cumberbatch.Copy !req
134. Well, well, well.Copy !req
135. If it ain't me old nemesis,
Sherlock Holmes.Copy !req
136. Hello, Brute, I've got
some questions for you.Copy !req
137. Who did you tell about the murders?Copy !req
138. Nae a soul, 'cause I dinna
commit no murders.Copy !req
139. I'm innocent, you nosy parker.Copy !req
140. How can I believe you?Copy !req
141. You're a common criminal.Copy !req
142. All the prostitutes were killed
by a left-handed assailant.Copy !req
143. - So?
- So, I was born with...Copy !req
144. two right hands.Copy !req
145. Dear God.Copy !req
146. That means he couldn't
have been the killer.Copy !req
147. That's right. You ever seen
a man with two right hand...Copy !req
148. Oh, this... this thing was open.Copy !req
149. That shouldn't be open, right?Copy !req
150. No, no, I wouldn't think so.Copy !req
151. I hope you will accept
my sincere apologies.Copy !req
152. Oh, you've done more than
made up for it, Mr. Holmes.Copy !req
153. I'm just happy to be free.Copy !req
154. Ah, the world's changed
since I've been in there.Copy !req
155. That puddle wasn't here.Copy !req
156. That cloud wasn't there.Copy !req
157. That window was open.Copy !req
158. That lady was four feet that way.Copy !req
159. All right, well, I hope
you make a go of it.Copy !req
160. Good luck with your fresh start.Copy !req
161. Oh, where'd that bird come from?Copy !req
162. That's new.Copy !req
163. Watson, I found
some important new clues.Copy !req
164. These red locks of hair
I found at the crime scene?Copy !req
165. They don't belong to the Scottish Brute.Copy !req
166. They belong to a woman.Copy !req
167. How can you tell?Copy !req
168. It's hard to explain, Watson.Copy !req
169. Women are mysterious.Copy !req
170. But don't ask me.Copy !req
171. Ask contemporary personality
Oscar Wilde.Copy !req
172. I prefer a man with a future
and a woman with a past.Copy !req
173. Oh, splendid.Copy !req
174. Well said, splendid.Copy !req
175. All right, let's get out of here
before we're all arrestedCopy !req
176. for the crime of "bum-fancy."Copy !req
177. And now I will disguise myself
as a prostitute named Valerie.Copy !req
178. What the devil is that?Copy !req
179. It's my own invention.Copy !req
180. A steam-driven mechanical exoskeleton.Copy !req
181. Observe.Copy !req
182. It's cutting-edge technology, Watson!Copy !req
183. Exchange moneyCopy !req
184. for sexual services, guv'nor.Copy !req
185. Are you a bobby?Copy !req
186. You have to tell me.Copy !req
187. Mind the gap.Copy !req
188. Astounding.Copy !req
189. Yes. Now, I'll stroll around the block,Copy !req
190. and you'll proposition me, loud
enough so the killer can hear.Copy !req
191. Love for sale.Copy !req
192. Appetizing young love for sale.Copy !req
193. Love for sale.Copy !req
194. Lookin' good, honey.Copy !req
195. No blacks.Copy !req
196. Love for sale.Copy !req
197. Race-contingent love for sale.Copy !req
198. Did I hear your name was Valerie?Copy !req
199. Yeah, guv'nor.Copy !req
200. Uh, have we met?Copy !req
201. Your voice sounds very familiar.Copy !req
202. What the hell is this?Copy !req
203. Watson, hurry!Copy !req
204. Watson?Copy !req
205. Oh, my God, Sherlock!Copy !req
206. Watson, help.Copy !req
207. Watson.Copy !req
208. All I would've done
is be a perfect gentleman.Copy !req
209. Sorry, got distracted.Copy !req
210. Lot of rats in London.Copy !req
211. That's for you.Copy !req
212. Sorry we didn't
catch the murderer, Holmes.Copy !req
213. And I'm afraid you'll
have to catch her without me.Copy !req
214. My wedding is tomorrow.Copy !req
215. Yes, about that, you know,
I was thinking.Copy !req
216. Maybe you should put that off
for a little while.Copy !req
217. You know, sow a few more wild oats.Copy !req
218. Oh, I've done enough of that, my friend,Copy !req
219. especially after that
raucous bachelor party tripCopy !req
220. you threw for me in Las Vegas.Copy !req
221. So... when do the strippers arrive?Copy !req
222. 1952.Copy !req
223. Watson, I don't know
how to tell you this...Copy !req
224. but the murderer
we've been looking for...Copy !req
225. it's your fiancée, Constance.Copy !req
226. You lie! You're just jealous!Copy !req
227. Well, let's go to her place
and I'll show you.Copy !req
228. Sorry, today was y'all's cleaning day.Copy !req
229. Y'all want me to come back later?Copy !req
230. M-Maybe, maybe, yeah.Copy !req
231. M-Maybe, maybe another day.Copy !req
232. That's fine, I'll pull out.Copy !req
233. Just go easy,
it really hurt on the way in.Copy !req
234. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
235. Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
236. Constance? Are you here?Copy !req
237. She's... she's gone.Copy !req
238. I'm sorry, Watson. Unfortunately,Copy !req
239. it appears my deductions were correct.Copy !req
240. Not so fast. Look, she left a note.Copy !req
241. See, Holmes? It says here...Copy !req
242. these are test results.
She has gonorrhea.Copy !req
243. I...Copy !req
244. I can't believe it.Copy !req
245. My beloved Constance is the murderer.Copy !req
246. It's even worse than you think.Copy !req
247. If she's a murderer
from this time period,Copy !req
248. that means there will be
a terrible, pretentious musicalCopy !req
249. about her one day.Copy !req
250. Oh, I was wrong, I love it.Copy !req
251. Will Watson and HolmesCopy !req
252. track down Constance?Copy !req
253. We'll be right backCopy !req
254. after these
turn of the century messages.Copy !req
255. Another dull night
at the gentlemen's club.Copy !req
256. What we need is
some room temperature gin.Copy !req
257. 'Ello, gents.Copy !req
258. Fancy some Room Temperature Gin?Copy !req
259. Shut up, you slag!Copy !req
260. No women allowed.Copy !req
261. Room Temperature Gin:Copy !req
262. drink it without women,Copy !req
263. have an eel pie, then go to bed.Copy !req
264. Constance had the tickets
for our honeymoon to Paris.Copy !req
265. No doubt she'll be using those
for her escape.Copy !req
266. Very well. Then we're off to France.Copy !req
267. That's right. We're off to Gay Paree.Copy !req
268. - What's this now?
- Gay Paree.Copy !req
269. Some... some people call it "Gay Paree."Copy !req
270. Oh, then I suppose I should change.Copy !req
271. Let's get separate rooms just so
we can spread our stuff out.Copy !req
272. Quick, we've got to catch the train!Copy !req
273. Porter!Copy !req
274. Watson, do you have thruppence
for the porter?Copy !req
275. I have tuppence.Copy !req
276. So you don't have thruppence?Copy !req
277. I have tuppence. How much do you have?Copy !req
278. I have nuppence.Copy !req
279. You're gonna get a comeuppance.Copy !req
280. Excuse me, sir, what's the next
stop for this train?Copy !req
281. Ugh, I hate when they let
the infirm ride on the train.Copy !req
282. Next stop, Station.Copy !req
283. Sir, you owe an apology to me
and all the good peopleCopy !req
284. of.Copy !req
285. It's nice of the locals to act
as their own train crossings.Copy !req
286. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding.Copy !req
287. You know, I've never crossed
the English Channel before.Copy !req
288. I hope no one from the train
is on this boat.Copy !req
289. I'm wearing the same outfit.Copy !req
290. I wouldn't worry.Copy !req
291. Looks like it's just a bunch
of minor celebrities.Copy !req
292. Finally, Paris.Copy !req
293. What an ordeal.Copy !req
294. Yes, but how do we find ConstanceCopy !req
295. in one of the biggest cities...Copy !req
296. There she is.Copy !req
297. Quick, after her. We have to chase herCopy !req
298. through a series of shots where she hasCopy !req
299. an inconsistent lead on us.Copy !req
300. This way, Holmes.Copy !req
301. She's heading towards... Holmes?Copy !req
302. I couldn't come here and not do this.Copy !req
303. She has appendicitis, by the way.Copy !req
304. She must have gone up
this strange building.Copy !req
305. What is it?Copy !req
306. It's the brand-new Eiffel Tower.Copy !req
307. Well, let's hurry.Copy !req
308. - She's getting...
- Oh, oh, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
309. I think we may have just photobombedCopy !req
310. that family's picture.Copy !req
311. You'll never catch me.Copy !req
312. Damn it, my heel is caught.Copy !req
313. Constance!Copy !req
314. Hang on, my darling.Copy !req
315. John, I did it for him.Copy !req
316. And you didn't mean to hurt me?Copy !req
317. No, you're not getting what I'm saying.Copy !req
318. I didn't care about you at all.Copy !req
319. Who did you do this for?Copy !req
320. Why were you killing prostitutes
with the initial "V"?Copy !req
321. The great Sherlock Holmes.Copy !req
322. He said you'd never figure it out,Copy !req
323. and that he'd be victorious.Copy !req
324. Constance!Copy !req
325. Ugh. Depardieu!Copy !req
326. I can't believe she's gone, Holmes.Copy !req
327. Oh, you'll find someone.Copy !req
328. You're a good guy with a great body.Copy !req
329. I still don't understand what she meantCopy !req
330. by "he said you'd never
figure it out, and..."Copy !req
331. "That he'd be victorious."Copy !req
332. Watson, that's it.Copy !req
333. Didn't think I'd figure it out.Copy !req
334. This calls for the old Sherlock
Holmes celebratory smoke.Copy !req
335. I'll just light my pipe.Copy !req
336. What is the meaning of this?Copy !req
337. I'll be replacing your innardsCopy !req
338. with these bagpipes, Queen Victoria.Copy !req
339. Not before we put you in jail.Copy !req
340. What's with this "we" crap?Copy !req
341. It's just you.Copy !req
342. Oh, no, it's "we."Copy !req
343. We made it just in time.Copy !req
344. And I was able to fool you,
as I am a master of disguise.Copy !req
345. Seems like you're just good
at dressing up like a woman.Copy !req
346. Ah, you caught me, Mr. Holmes.Copy !req
347. I suppose it's back to jail for me.Copy !req
348. You can dispense with the act,
Professor Moriarty.Copy !req
349. Holmes, what are you talking about?Copy !req
350. Moriarty's dead. You killed him.Copy !req
351. No, that was one of his lackeys.Copy !req
352. Isn't that right, Professor?Copy !req
353. Very clever, Holmes.Copy !req
354. What gave me away?Copy !req
355. Constance. She said
that you'd be victorious.Copy !req
356. That was the vital clueCopy !req
357. that these murders were for my benefit.Copy !req
358. I was dismantling your criminal empire,Copy !req
359. and you wanted revenge.Copy !req
360. You cannot catch what you cannot see.Copy !req
361. So, you concocted
an elaborate series of murdersCopy !req
362. with clues leading meCopy !req
363. to the fictional Scottish Brute.Copy !req
364. Meanwhile, two toothless,
British homeless peopleCopy !req
365. had filthy sex in an alleyway.Copy !req
366. They would become the grandparentsCopy !req
367. of the guys from Oasis.Copy !req
368. Meanwhile, you had your girlfriendCopy !req
369. seduce my best friend.Copy !req
370. She arranges for me
to kill your imposter...Copy !req
371. and commits an identical murderCopy !req
372. so I would come
to the inescapable conclusionCopy !req
373. that I put the wrong man away.Copy !req
374. Constance would lead us
away from EnglandCopy !req
375. while you killed the last "prostitute"Copy !req
376. with the name "V."Copy !req
377. And I'd get the blame
for freeing the manCopy !req
378. who killed our beloved queen.Copy !req
379. Brilliant.Copy !req
380. Why do you think
Queen Victoria's a prostitute?Copy !req
381. She formed an alliance
with the Dutch royalsCopy !req
382. for shared control of Guyana.Copy !req
383. So... political.Copy !req
384. One last mystery to solve.Copy !req
385. Why do they call you Professor?Copy !req
386. - I teach at Hogwarts.
- Really?Copy !req
387. No. But we should've done that
instead of this.Copy !req
388. Holmes, with this case,Copy !req
389. you saved the entire British Empire.Copy !req
390. Yes. Now it will last forever.Copy !req
391. From South Africa to the Suez Canal,Copy !req
392. from Cyprus to Australia,Copy !req
393. all of Canada and Grenada,Copy !req
394. even Antigua and Jamaica.Copy !req
395. India, Jordan, Kenya, Kuwait,Copy !req
396. Malawi, Bermuda, the Falklands.Copy !req
397. Yes, all part of our empire.Copy !req
398. I'll always miss...Copy !req
399. The Maldives, Myanmar,Copy !req
400. New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan.Copy !req
401. Saint Kitts and Nevis.Copy !req
402. Sri Lanka, the Sudan, Uganda,Copy !req
403. and the United Arab Emirates.Copy !req
404. God, England sucks now.Copy !req