1. Peter, come on, time to get dressedCopy !req
2. for our Valentine's Day dinner.Copy !req
3. We don't want to be late
for our reservation.Copy !req
4. Reservation?Copy !req
5. Yeah. I decided we're going
someplace nice this time.Copy !req
6. Not like last year when we went
to the Outback Steakhouse,Copy !req
7. but it's "out" as in the gay way.Copy !req
8. We'll get to the specials,
but first, I need to tell you...Copy !req
9. I'm gay.Copy !req
10. The hell you are!Copy !req
11. No waiter of mine is gonna be gay!Copy !req
12. Peter, please. He's our waiter.Copy !req
13. He's the only waiter we have.Copy !req
14. Lois, our waiter is dead to us.Copy !req
15. We have to focus all our
attention on our hostess now.Copy !req
16. He-he just needs a little time.Copy !req
17. Scott...Copy !req
18. I'm finally ready to hear the specials.Copy !req
19. Well, happy Valentine's Day, Lois.Copy !req
20. Let's have a dying marriage
side-face kiss.Copy !req
21. Mwah.Copy !req
22. Well, I better set out
a can of tuna fish and a cigarCopy !req
23. for Arthur Valentine.Copy !req
24. I can't wait to see what he brings me.Copy !req
25. Uh, you want to tell us
what the holy hell that was?Copy !req
26. I'm afraid
it's something we made upCopy !req
27. that we finally need to deal with.Copy !req
28. You see, years ago,
when Chris was in preschool...Copy !req
29. Peter, poor Chris didn't get
a single valentine todayCopy !req
30. from any of his classmates.Copy !req
31. What? Why not?Copy !req
32. Apparently, he's not well liked.Copy !req
33. Some of the kids think he's weirdCopy !req
34. because he takes his shirt off to pee.Copy !req
35. Yeah, I taught him that.
That's also called "peeing."Copy !req
36. Pee? Pee now?Copy !req
37. No. No, Chris.Copy !req
38. Why no valentines?Copy !req
39. Hey, hey, hey, stop crying, Chris.Copy !req
40. Y-You're gonna...Copy !req
41. Y-You're gonna get tons of valentines.Copy !req
42. I am? From who?Copy !req
43. Um, from... Arthur Valentine.Copy !req
44. R-Really?Copy !req
45. Yeah, yeah, that's right!Copy !req
46. Who's Arthur Valentine?Copy !req
47. Only the most magical man ever.Copy !req
48. And he comes every
Valentine's Day on-on a-a...Copy !req
49. a purple Vespa to, um...Copy !req
50. to bring candy and sweet notes
to childrenCopy !req
51. who've managed to not use
any swears in the last year.Copy !req
52. He does?Copy !req
53. Uh-huh, and he has a long beard...Copy !req
54. Oh, and-and he's got an eye patch.Copy !req
55. B-But not for medical reasons,
he just likes the look.Copy !req
56. Plus, he-he wears a Cat in the Hat hatCopy !req
57. and sometimes a scarf,
no matter what Lois saysCopy !req
58. because it gives him a youthful vibeCopy !req
59. and adds some color to his face.Copy !req
60. We were just trying to cheer Chris up.Copy !req
61. I assumed he'd outgrow it
in a few years,Copy !req
62. but, Peter, it's time
we have a talk with Chris.Copy !req
63. We've got to put an end to this
Arthur Valentine nonsense.Copy !req
64. Yeah, I guess you're right.Copy !req
65. Well, I best be going anyway.Copy !req
66. Donna and I are spending
our Valentine's DayCopy !req
67. in Johnnie Cochran pajamas,
just caressing each otherCopy !req
68. in a very beige bedroom.Copy !req
69. Yeah, and hopefully Bonnie and I'llCopy !req
70. do a sexy bath night like last year.Copy !req
71. It was amazing.Copy !req
72. She laid out a trail of rose petals,Copy !req
73. and I elbow-crawled
to the sponge and shower chair.Copy !req
74. I go down to the video store
and put my hand on Love ActuallyCopy !req
75. at the same time as a woman, and I go,Copy !req
76. "Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"Copy !req
77. What about you, Brian? What are
your plans for Valentine's Day?Copy !req
78. What? Oh, uh, no real plans, I guess.Copy !req
79. Ha! Looks like Brian's the only
guy with nothing going on.Copy !req
80. Hey, you can come over
to my house, Brian.Copy !req
81. I thought you had
that whole thing with Bonnie.Copy !req
82. I do, but she needs help lifting
me into the shower chair.Copy !req
83. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
84. Our top story, today
the Quahog River was dyed redCopy !req
85. in honor of Valentine's Day.Copy !req
86. So if you're looking
to do a river murder,Copy !req
87. this could be your window.Copy !req
88. Stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.Copy !req
89. Oh, hey, Bri. How's your night going?Copy !req
90. I hope Rupert and I haven't been
too loud up there.Copy !req
91. - Happy Valentine's Day!Copy !req
92. Oh, yeah, we're gonna go all night.Copy !req
93. Just leave me alone, Stewie.Copy !req
94. Well, Brian, if you're stuck
being a single loser,Copy !req
95. you might as well just embrace it.Copy !req
96. Mmm. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
97. Wait a minute. What am I thinking?Copy !req
98. Chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
I better stop or...Copy !req
99. Happy Valentine's Day!Copy !req
100. Stop the damn banging!Copy !req
101. People are trying to have
dignified relations!Copy !req
102. Oh, boy, look!Copy !req
103. Arthur Valentine brought me
plates and a salt shaker!Copy !req
104. Chris, Chris, settle down.Copy !req
105. I-It's actually time your father and ICopy !req
106. had a talk with you
about Arthur Valentine.Copy !req
107. Yeah, that's, uh, that's right.Copy !req
108. Um, son...Copy !req
109. I'm afraid Arthur Valentine isn't real.Copy !req
110. What? Not real?Copy !req
111. Then who leaves those notes
with all the misspellings?Copy !req
112. Well, first, Chris, English
is a very fluid language.Copy !req
113. We're sorry, but you're old
enough now to know the truth.Copy !req
114. He... he doesn't exist.Copy !req
115. No! You're both lying!Copy !req
116. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
117. It seems like there's
no getting through to him.Copy !req
118. You know, if Chris
is this hard to convince,Copy !req
119. we may just have to kill
Arthur Valentine.Copy !req
120. What? What do you mean?Copy !req
121. Maybe we make Chris believe
that Arthur Valentine is dead.Copy !req
122. Huh. Well, we just might have to.Copy !req
123. Hey, what's the matter, Brian?Copy !req
124. Have you fallen and can't get up?Copy !req
125. Turns out, still using
that joke is a felony.Copy !req
126. Guess I better not drop the soap.Copy !req
127. That one's the death penalty.Copy !req
128. You were very lucky.Copy !req
129. We managed to pump your stomach
just in time.Copy !req
130. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
131. I had him pump my stomach, too.
Doc, what was in there?Copy !req
132. Well, it's a pretty extensive list.Copy !req
133. I'm gonna need Billy Joel
to help me out.Copy !req
134. Wow, that was great, Billy!Copy !req
135. Hey, does anyone call you
Bill Joel or William Joel?Copy !req
136. Uh, no. Does anyone call you
Petey Griffin?Copy !req
137. No, they don't, because I'm an adult,Copy !req
138. which is kind of what I was getting at.Copy !req
139. Ugh. Who sends a Christmas card
to their vet?Copy !req
140. I know. It's so lame, right?Copy !req
141. And did you see the lady outside
with the empty cat carrier?Copy !req
142. Ugh. Cry much?Copy !req
143. Yeah. Yeah, I bet she actually
thinks that thing loved her.Copy !req
144. Hey, I'm Brian.Copy !req
145. Shake.Copy !req
146. Nice to meet you. I'm Ellie.Copy !req
147. What are you in for?Copy !req
148. Uh, I got this small cut,
and they wanted to bandage itCopy !req
149. so I'd stop chewing
the crap out of my foot.Copy !req
150. Aw, that sucks. I love chewing
the crap out of my foot.Copy !req
151. I know, it's the best.Copy !req
152. But while I was here,
I also had to get...Copy !req
153. a prescription filled.Copy !req
154. Listen, I got to go.Copy !req
155. You want to continue this sometime?Copy !req
156. Let me give you my number.
It's on the back of here.Copy !req
157. - It's this.
- Got it.Copy !req
158. See you around, Brian.Copy !req
159. Definitely.Copy !req
160. Bye, Ellie.Copy !req
161. Is this
the Veteran Aryan's office?Copy !req
162. No, this is the veterinarian's.Copy !req
163. I think you want the Veteran
Aryan's Center next door.Copy !req
164. Ah, I see the confusion.
This must happen all the time.Copy !req
165. We're ready for the German shepherd.Copy !req
166. Ja, that would be me.Copy !req
167. This is a very confusing lobby.Copy !req
168. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
169. You think you could be with me?
Right here? In this place?Copy !req
170. Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry, Stewie.Copy !req
171. It's-it's just...Copy !req
172. I met someone amazing the other
day at the vet's office, and...Copy !req
173. Well, she's actually a dog.Copy !req
174. And it's so great dating someone
who understandsCopy !req
175. why it's especially important
to walk around in a circleCopy !req
176. many, many times before lying down.Copy !req
177. So, that's who you were texting with?Copy !req
178. Sort of. I-I was just rereading
some of the textsCopy !req
179. I already sent her.Copy !req
180. That's good.Copy !req
181. You're rereading your own texts?Copy !req
182. Yeah, do you, do you not do that?Copy !req
183. Nobody does that.Copy !req
184. Golden Eagle to Red Shrew.
Ready for the plan?Copy !req
185. Come in, Red Shrew.Copy !req
186. Peter, we
did not decide on those names.Copy !req
187. Chris, come down here, quick!
I see Arthur Valentine outside!Copy !req
188. I think he's come to say hi!Copy !req
189. Really?Copy !req
190. Yeah, look.Copy !req
191. Oh, my God. Hi, Arthur!Copy !req
192. I love you so much,
and I haven't cussed once today!Copy !req
193. Dad, get the bowl of tuna
from under my bed!Copy !req
194. Arthur!Copy !req
195. Oh, my God, he's dead.Copy !req
196. He's dead!Copy !req
197. Mission accomplished, Red Shrew.
Over and out.Copy !req
198. Huh. That looks tasty.Copy !req
199. Little walkie-talkie piece.Copy !req
200. God, I forgot how much I love art.Copy !req
201. Hey, who's your favorite artist?Copy !req
202. Me? Uh...Copy !req
203. You know, I really like,
uh, that Jackson "Polack."Copy !req
204. You know, I-I know they're not
supposed to be that bright,Copy !req
205. but that was, that was
pretty genius, you know?Copy !req
206. I mean, leave it, leave it to
a Polack to just grab the paintCopy !req
207. with his hands and just start
chucking it everywhere.Copy !req
208. I mean, it's great.Copy !req
209. It's pronounced "Pollock."Copy !req
210. But, Brian, you don't
have to keep trying so hardCopy !req
211. to impress me.Copy !req
212. I already really like you.Copy !req
213. You do? Thanks.Copy !req
214. I-I really like you, too, Ellie.Copy !req
215. Truth is, I haven't felt this
way with anyone in a long time.Copy !req
216. Listen, I'm really sorry
to cut things short,Copy !req
217. but I've got to go; I have rehearsal.Copy !req
218. - Oh, what, for a play?
- No.Copy !req
219. It's kind of dumb,
but it's for a dog show.Copy !req
220. Oh, you're a show dog?Copy !req
221. No wonder you have
such a perfectly coiffed anus.Copy !req
222. Thank you.Copy !req
223. No, thank you. It's perfect.Copy !req
224. I mean, I... God, I-I bet every
time you go snaffling on it,Copy !req
225. you have to stop and admire it.Copy !req
226. Come on, now, Brian.Copy !req
227. A lady has to have a few secrets.Copy !req
228. Man, she is something else.Copy !req
229. This must be how Ronald Reagan
felt about Nancy.Copy !req
230. Nancy, will you make me
the happiest man in the worldCopy !req
231. by turning a blind eye
to the AIDS crisisCopy !req
232. and ineffectually trying to warn
young people about drugs?Copy !req
233. Yes!Copy !req
234. Oh, yes, Ronnie! Yes!Copy !req
235. Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.Copy !req
236. The shock of seeing Arthur Valentine dieCopy !req
237. seems to have really gotten to him.Copy !req
238. I-I've never seen him
so depressed and catatonic.Copy !req
239. Well, you know, in Awakenings,Copy !req
240. Robin Williams tossed a baseball
to Robert De Niro,Copy !req
241. and he snapped out of it and caught it.Copy !req
242. M-Maybe we do that.Copy !req
243. Chris, you doing okay?Copy !req
244. It's Mom and Dad.Copy !req
245. We thought we'd... Awakenings!Copy !req
246. Peter, I'm not sure that's...Copy !req
247. Awakenings!Copy !req
248. You're gonna hurt him if you...Copy !req
249. Awakenings!Copy !req
250. Peter, knock it off.Copy !req
251. I never thought Chris would
take things so hard.Copy !req
252. I think we went too far
by killing Arthur Valentine.Copy !req
253. We have to bring him back to life.Copy !req
254. What? Are you serious?Copy !req
255. It's the only thing
that'll snap him out of it.Copy !req
256. Well, maybe, but what if
I try it with a basketball?Copy !req
257. Awakenings!Copy !req
258. Oh, God, that broke his nose.Copy !req
259. He didn't even flinch.
It's bad. Let's do your thing.Copy !req
260. Let's-let's twirl some
toilet paper up into his nose,Copy !req
261. and-and then when...
we'll-we'll do your thing.Copy !req
262. Wow, thanks again.Copy !req
263. What a nice dinner.Copy !req
264. I'm so lucky to have met you, Brian.Copy !req
265. You're such an amazing guy.Copy !req
266. I'd say we're both lucky.Copy !req
267. Oh, no, no, no, wait!Copy !req
268. Don't-don't do that.Copy !req
269. What-what? What's the matter?Copy !req
270. Oh, brutal.Copy !req
271. Yeah, that's gonna be
a terrible car ride, man.Copy !req
272. I would hate to be you, and I'm me.Copy !req
273. I'm really sorry, Brian.Copy !req
274. It's not that I don't want to kiss you.Copy !req
275. I smell the poop on your breath,
and then that's all I want,Copy !req
276. but my owners made an arrangementCopy !req
277. with the organizers
of the next dog show.Copy !req
278. They paid a lot of money
to schedule me to breedCopy !req
279. with whichever male dog
wins the competition.Copy !req
280. What, like... like breed breed?Copy !req
281. I know it might seem odd to you,Copy !req
282. but this happens in the dog show world.Copy !req
283. I have to have sex with
whichever male dog wins,Copy !req
284. whoever that ends up being.Copy !req
285. Stewie, we're entering a dog show!Copy !req
286. - Where's Stewie?
He ate me!Copy !req
287. All right Brian,
now if we're going to get youCopy !req
288. ready to compete in that dog show,Copy !req
289. we've got a lot of training to cover.Copy !req
290. Let's begin by doing
some work with the clicker.Copy !req
291. - Oh, yeah, I've seen these.Copy !req
292. You click it when
you want me to do a trick,Copy !req
293. and then I get a treat,
so I associate the two.Copy !req
294. No. I use it to punctuate my jokes.Copy !req
295. Now, Brian you've got to roll
over and be good on all fours.Copy !req
296. If Nathan Lane can do it, so can you.Copy !req
297. - Okay.Copy !req
298. But maybe we should just focus
on getting ready for the show.Copy !req
299. Well, look who wants to be prepared.Copy !req
300. - You're a regular Beagle Scout.Copy !req
301. Wait, shouldn't I be the one
who clicks if I like the joke?Copy !req
302. You can't just click
after everything you say.Copy !req
303. If it's funny, I can.
And so far, they've all landed.Copy !req
304. Unlike the planes on 9/11.Copy !req
305. See? No click.Copy !req
306. That one was in poor taste. Not funny.Copy !req
307. You know, I was supposed to be
on one of those planes.Copy !req
308. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
309. Um, yes. Brian Griffin.Copy !req
310. Brian?Copy !req
311. What are you doing here?Copy !req
312. Oh, hey!Copy !req
313. Uh, you know, I...
You-you just made dog showsCopy !req
314. sound so fun the other day,
I-I thought I'd give it a try.Copy !req
315. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up top dog.Copy !req
316. And on top of you.Copy !req
317. - Thanks, Stewie.Copy !req
318. Brian, most of these dogs
have been training since birth.Copy !req
319. Are you sure you're ready for this?Copy !req
320. You bet I am.
I've never been so prepared.Copy !req
321. I'm a regular Beagle Scout.Copy !req
322. That's hilarious.Copy !req
323. Good luck, Brian.Copy !req
324. Chris, you got to snap out of this.Copy !req
325. I mean, I've been where you're at.Copy !req
326. Listen,
I've never told anyone this,Copy !req
327. but I killed a jaywalker in 2002.Copy !req
328. She looked old, but she was only 51.Copy !req
329. I mean, back then, that was old to me.Copy !req
330. It's why I always talk
and ask questions so much.Copy !req
331. When there's any moment
of quiet, I think about her.Copy !req
332. That's why all mothers do that.Copy !req
333. Every mother has killed someone.Copy !req
334. Now drink your ginger ale.Copy !req
335. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
336. It's Arthur Valentine,Copy !req
337. here to accelerate awkwardly
into a bush.Copy !req
338. Damn it!Copy !req
339. Arthur...Copy !req
340. Valentine?Copy !req
341. Chris! You're okay!Copy !req
342. But I saw him die.Copy !req
343. That can only mean one thing.Copy !req
344. He must be a zombie!Copy !req
345. What? No! No, no. What?Copy !req
346. Stop!Copy !req
347. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
348. I've seen The Walking Dead!Copy !req
349. I have to destroy your brainCopy !req
350. and then talk about it
for the next hour!Copy !req
351. - Chris, take it easy!
- Get off of him!Copy !req
352. - You're gonna kill me!
- It's not what you think!Copy !req
353. Dad?Copy !req
354. But... I don't...Copy !req
355. I... How did...Copy !req
356. I'm not Arthur Valentine, son.Copy !req
357. We're so sorry, Chris.Copy !req
358. Now do you understand?Copy !req
359. There is no Arthur Valentine?Copy !req
360. We never meant to hurt you, buddy.Copy !req
361. Valentine's Day would
take on new meaning for ChrisCopy !req
362. in the years to come,Copy !req
363. but he would remember none
so bittersweetly as this one.Copy !req
364. This is Joe Swanson, signing off.Copy !req
365. Joe, your mom died.Copy !req
366. Seriously?Copy !req
367. How you doing? You feeling good?Copy !req
368. Because this thing is gonna
come down to the arbitrary whimsCopy !req
369. of whatever elderly volunteersCopy !req
370. were able to get transportation
here on a Tuesday.Copy !req
371. Yeah, I... Hey, watch it!Copy !req
372. The hell's his problem?Copy !req
373. Careful. That's your competition.Copy !req
374. His name's Max.Copy !req
375. He's a four-time winner
and kind of a crowd favorite.Copy !req
376. Okay, who wants
to start the dog show?Copy !req
377. - Who wants to start it?Copy !req
378. Yes, you all want to start
the dog show, don't you?Copy !req
379. Don't you?Copy !req
380. That'll do it for the males.Copy !req
381. And as our judges tabulate the results,Copy !req
382. we can now announce our female division.Copy !req
383. The winning bitch,
for the tenth year in a row,Copy !req
384. is Katherine Heigl!Copy !req
385. - Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
386. No, but for real,
it's that dog Ellie over there.Copy !req
387. And our winner
in the male division is...Copy !req
388. Brian Griffin!Copy !req
389. - Yes!Copy !req
390. Man, thank you for
all your help, Stewie.Copy !req
391. I really couldn't have done it...Copy !req
392. What the... What's going on?Copy !req
393. This-this is it?Copy !req
394. It's happening right here? Right now?Copy !req
395. Uh-huh. They have to certify
the union, Brian.Copy !req
396. Stud is ready to mount.Copy !req
397. Please turn up the lights.Copy !req
398. What? No! No, the opposite!Copy !req
399. In fact, could someone maybe turn onCopy !req
400. some-some Drake or The Weekend?Copy !req
401. Ha! He's blowing it! He can't do it!Copy !req
402. Quagmire? What are you doing here?Copy !req
403. Oh, I have an all-access passCopy !req
404. to anything in this town
that's sex-related.Copy !req
405. Offering manual assistance.Copy !req
406. Commencing union.Copy !req
407. Okay, okay, thanks, man, but, yeah, no,Copy !req
408. I-I got this, I got this.Copy !req
409. If-if you just-just give me
a second to get, like,Copy !req
410. a scenario in my head.Copy !req
411. Uh, maybe a hot babysitter
who needs to pay for collegeCopy !req
412. - so she, uh...Copy !req
413. Can somebody please shut those dogs up?Copy !req
414. This specimen is unable to perform.Copy !req
415. Please bring in the boxer.Copy !req
416. I'm sorry, Brian, but this isCopy !req
417. what I was trying to tell you.Copy !req
418. I'm sorry, too, but I see now
that you were right.Copy !req
419. I'm just not sure how this could workCopy !req
420. or-or how our relationship
could fit into your world.Copy !req
421. Hey, less talk!Copy !req
422. I guess this is good-bye.Copy !req
423. I guess it is.Copy !req
424. I'll always remember you, Brian.Copy !req
425. And I'll always remember you, Ellie.Copy !req
426. I promise to name
one of the puppies after you.Copy !req
427. Let's just cross our fingers...Copy !req
428. it's not one of the ones he eats.Copy !req
429. Thanks. That means a lot...Copy !req
430. Okay, we're at the part
where he bites downCopy !req
431. on the back of my neck, so we
should probably wrap this up.Copy !req
432. Yup.Copy !req
433. Whoa! Max's grandfather
may have been a horse.Copy !req
434. Come on, let's just go home.Copy !req
435. Okay.Copy !req
436. Is this the romantic ending
you were hoping for?Copy !req
437. Look, that was a tricky
situation, all right?Copy !req
438. The lights, the people watching.Copy !req
439. If-if it hadn't been for all that, I...Copy !req
440. trust me, I-I would've, I
would've set her world on fire.Copy !req
441. No way. You didn't even start the fire.Copy !req
442. Oh, no.Copy !req
443. Mom killed a jaywalker.Copy !req