1. We now return toCopy !req
2. How David Lynch
Stole Christmas.Copy !req
3. Hello. I got you
a present.Copy !req
4. It's a thumb.Copy !req
5. Don't look away.Copy !req
6. Let the fear
wash over you.Copy !req
7. I don't understand.Copy !req
8. That's the whole point.Copy !req
9. Now, did you leave a plate
of black coffee out for me?Copy !req
10. No.
In the future,Copy !req
11. please leave a plate of
black coffee out for me.Copy !req
12. Also in the past.Copy !req
13. You guys, what are you
doing watching TV?Copy !req
14. It's snowing.
Really?Copy !req
15. Wow, it's so
beautiful!Copy !req
16. Isn't it?Copy !req
17. And you know what's
a miracle, kids?Copy !req
18. Every single snowflake
is exactly alike.Copy !req
19. I don't think that's right.Copy !req
20. No, it's true.
Just like fingerprints.Copy !req
21. All right, you guys
ready for church?Copy !req
22. Church?
What are you, an idiot?Copy !req
23. It's the first snow
of the season.Copy !req
24. We're going sledding.Copy !req
25. Please, can we, Mom?Copy !req
26. Well, I mean,
it's Sunday, and...Copy !req
27. Come on, Lois. After all,Copy !req
28. sledding was the second
passion of the Christ.Copy !req
29. Eat this, for this is my dust!Copy !req
30. My sled has Dora on itCopy !req
31. 'cause my parents got it
at a yard sale.Copy !req
32. It's-it's still for boys,
though.Copy !req
33. She's about language
acquisition, not gender.Copy !req
34. Sorry, fun-seekers,Copy !req
35. this hill is closed
to sledding.Copy !req
36. What? What are you
talking about?Copy !req
37. Too many pansy-ass
parents sue the cityCopy !req
38. when their kids
sprain a fingerCopy !req
39. or crush their skull
on a bumper.Copy !req
40. I'm afraid sledding has
been banned in Quahog.Copy !req
41. You can't do that!
Last time I checked,Copy !req
42. this is still
the United States of Tara.Copy !req
43. Obscure reference.Copy !req
44. And I'm not gonna let
anybody tell meCopy !req
45. where I can and cannot sled!Copy !req
46. Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
47. Power to the people!Copy !req
48. The whole world is watching!
The whole world is watching!Copy !req
49. What... what just happened?Copy !req
50. Who cares?
Last one down the hill...Copy !req
51. Oh, my God!Copy !req
52. Call my mom!Copy !req
53. I crushed my skull
on a bumper!Copy !req
54. You serious? All this
white stuff used to be water?Copy !req
55. Mm. My word.Copy !req
56. Joe, what are you
riding on?Copy !req
57. Oh, it's a bedpan.
I got a ton of these at home.Copy !req
58. You make every activity
incredibly sad.Copy !req
59. There you are.
Where have you been?Copy !req
60. I just ran home
to get the big sledCopy !req
61. out of our dining room.Copy !req
62. What are you talking about?Copy !req
63. We don't have a sled
in our dining room.Copy !req
64. Everybody on!Copy !req
65. Peter, the dining room
table is an antique.Copy !req
66. It's been in my family
for six generations.Copy !req
67. It's fine.Copy !req
68. Okay, now, since
we're white guysCopy !req
69. doing something stupid,
everybody grab a GoPro.Copy !req
70. Yeah, this is awesome!Copy !req
71. Oh, we're drifting.Copy !req
72. W-We're turning. We're turning!Copy !req
73. Dad, I'm scared.Copy !req
74. We're backwards!Copy !req
75. Am I the only one
who thinks that nowCopy !req
76. we're at an alarming speed?Copy !req
77. Peter, are you insane?Copy !req
78. You could've killed
the entire family!Copy !req
79. Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought
this was gonna be fun.Copy !req
80. Like when I won
that sex contest.Copy !req
81. First again!Copy !req
82. Wasn't even close, was it?Copy !req
83. No, Peter, it wasn't even close.Copy !req
84. Yeah, you are terrible at this.Copy !req
85. Now, why don't you clean upCopy !req
86. and go get the champ
a Gatorade, huh?Copy !req
87. You wearing pants
always amuses me.Copy !req
88. Yeah, I know. It's just
I got roped into goingCopy !req
89. to some stupid
office Christmas partyCopy !req
90. with this girl I'm dating.Copy !req
91. Really? I thought
you just wentCopy !req
92. to an office Christmas
party with her last week.Copy !req
93. What? Oh, no, um...Copy !req
94. No, that-that was
this other girl I was dating.Copy !req
95. Um, her name was...
Kow-ooch.Copy !req
96. Did you just say "couch,"
but pronounce it strangelyCopy !req
97. so it sounded
like a name?Copy !req
98. What's going on, Brian?Copy !req
99. All right, look,
I've been crashingCopy !req
100. office Christmas parties
for the free boozeCopy !req
101. and drunk women who don't want
to spend the holidays alone.Copy !req
102. Oh, so you're a
Christmas party creep.Copy !req
103. Just like the fat man is
a pool party creep.Copy !req
104. Now, Chris,
you're getting older,Copy !req
105. so it's time for you to learn
the classic pool party gameCopy !req
106. "Talk to Somebody's Wife
in a BikiniCopy !req
107. Until They Cover Up
Uncomfortably."Copy !req
108. So, Bonnie,
how are things going?Copy !req
109. Oh, things are fine.Copy !req
110. Been kind of busy lately,
what with Susie starting to...Copy !req
111. Okay, bye.Copy !req
112. Man, that's, like, two seconds.Copy !req
113. Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you
been watching on TV lately?Copy !req
114. Oh, you know,
this and that.Copy !req
115. There's a show called
Shipping Wars.Copy !req
116. Uh, it's actually kinda...
Okay, bye.Copy !req
117. Oh, boy, the Marshalls
is now a Nordstrom.Copy !req
118. I feel like our days at
this mall are numbered.Copy !req
119. Well, we have $60.Copy !req
120. Let's see what kind of
Chinese pressed-board garbageCopy !req
121. we can get to replace
my grandmother'sCopy !req
122. priceless mahogany table.Copy !req
123. Dad, look,
Santa's here!Copy !req
124. I want to sit
on his lap.Copy !req
125. Geez, Chris, come on.
You're in high school.Copy !req
126. I'm gonna ask him for
a family trampoline.Copy !req
127. Holy crap,
get your ass up there!Copy !req
128. You know what, Peter?Copy !req
129. I'll get the table myself.Copy !req
130. And then I might just
sit in that carCopy !req
131. in the middle
of the mall and cry.Copy !req
132. Geez, look at this line.Copy !req
133. Yeah, no kidding.
And it's not moving.Copy !req
134. Me and my adopted son have
been waiting quite a while.Copy !req
135. Wait, what— Why did you—Copy !req
136. I didn't even ask.Copy !req
137. So is your son
a biolog?Copy !req
138. What— I'm not—Copy !req
139. I-I don't watch
Modern Family, sorry.Copy !req
140. Hey, Chris, wait here.
I'm gonna see what's going on.Copy !req
141. Hey, Muscles,
what's taking so long?Copy !req
142. I'm sorry, sir.
This may shock you,Copy !req
143. but it turns out the
seasonal Santa we hiredCopy !req
144. has a drinking problem.Copy !req
145. And I don't know where
to find a replacementCopy !req
146. on such short notice.Copy !req
147. Hey, you're a hefty guy.Copy !req
148. I called you "Muscles."Copy !req
149. Would you mind
putting on the suitCopy !req
150. and playing Santa,
just until the shift ends?Copy !req
151. I'd pay you
for your time.Copy !req
152. All right, fine.Copy !req
153. I mean, it's not the first time
I pretended to be someone else.Copy !req
154. I once dressed as a farmerCopy !req
155. to get a date on
FarmersOnly.com.Copy !req
156. Are you Peter?Copy !req
157. Yeah. A-Are you
the gross ladyCopy !req
158. who lives in the
converted horse trailer?Copy !req
159. It doesn't say "whites only,"
but... yeah.Copy !req
160. 'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit.Copy !req
161. Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald.Copy !req
162. You probably don't recognize me
'cause I'm in corporate.Copy !req
163. So am I.
This is corporate.Copy !req
164. A little
too much so, if you ask me.Copy !req
165. I... I try
to have fun, right?Copy !req
166. I-I mean, we're not,
we're not landing planes here.Copy !req
167. Our company manufactures
aircraft landing gear systems.Copy !req
168. Yep, uh-huh.Copy !req
169. Well, I am going to fly us over
a few more drinks.Copy !req
170. Stewie?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
171. I followed you.
I had to see for myselfCopy !req
172. just how desperate and
pathetic you really are.Copy !req
173. And don't worry,
I'm not sticking aroundCopy !req
174. this sad little— Ooh!Copy !req
175. Is that rolled-up ham
for everyone?Copy !req
176. Yeah.
Okay.Copy !req
177. Well, I'll see
you at home...Copy !req
178. Hey, everyone,
karaoke's starting!Copy !req
179. Well, I could watch
and make funCopy !req
180. for just a few—
Oh, my God!Copy !req
181. They have a photo booth
with funny props!Copy !req
182. Oh, I call the big
funny glasses!Copy !req
183. And I want a
tricycle and a ponyCopy !req
184. and an American Girl dollCopy !req
185. and a drone with a camera
and a gun that fires...Copy !req
186. Ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, sure, all of it.Copy !req
187. All right, now,
go pick up your picture.Copy !req
188. And before you go
crying to your mom,Copy !req
189. that's my cell phone
you're feeling.Copy !req
190. Hey, Santa Claus,
you going home soon?Copy !req
191. Well, depending on
how traffic isCopy !req
192. at the North Pole.Copy !req
193. So what can I get
for you today?Copy !req
194. Milk and cookies?Copy !req
195. Oh, okay.Copy !req
196. Sorry I started this.Copy !req
197. Chicken burrito, please.Copy !req
198. There you go.
Merry Christmas.Copy !req
199. Uh, how much do I, uh...Copy !req
200. Oh, come on, I'm not
charging Santa Claus.Copy !req
201. It's on the house.Copy !req
202. This is free because
I'm dressed as Santa?Copy !req
203. That's right.
Anything for Santa.Copy !req
204. Anything?Copy !req
205. Holy crap, this is awesome!Copy !req
206. I'm Santa Claus.Copy !req
207. In this suit
I'm like a god.Copy !req
208. I got a free burrito!Copy !req
209. Ugh, look at
these two lumps.Copy !req
210. Dad, why are you still
wearing that Santa suit?Copy !req
211. Well, the guy
at the mall asked meCopy !req
212. to stay on till Christmas,
and I said yes,Copy !req
213. 'cause being Santa's
awesome.Copy !req
214. You wear this suit,
it's like a free pass.Copy !req
215. People let you do
anything you want.Copy !req
216. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
217. Oh, it's the stuff
of dreams, Lois.Copy !req
218. Free burritos,
free orange chicken,Copy !req
219. free pretzels.Copy !req
220. Did you make it out
of the food court?Copy !req
221. I made it to the border.Copy !req
222. I got a free iPhone case
and a tiny license plate.Copy !req
223. It says "Corey."Copy !req
224. Yep.
Cost me zilch.Copy !req
225. So, who's this
"Mary Christmas"Copy !req
226. everybody keeps
talking about?Copy !req
227. Oh...Copy !req
228. that's very clever.Copy !req
229. I don't recognize you.Copy !req
230. Which department
are you in?Copy !req
231. Well, right now
I'm in Boob Assessment.Copy !req
232. Eww.Copy !req
233. Hey, you were right about
office Christmas parties.Copy !req
234. They're fantastic!
Uh-huh, okay.Copy !req
235. I'm gonna keep looking
around the roomCopy !req
236. while you talk.Copy !req
237. Yes, it's like
watching a soap opera,Copy !req
238. what with all the
drunken misbehaviorCopy !req
239. and ill-advised
hookups.Copy !req
240. And down the hall they're
doing a "white elephant."Copy !req
241. Oh, that gift-
exchange thing?Copy !req
242. No, there's
a fat secretaryCopy !req
243. taking on all comers.Copy !req
244. Where, uh, uh, which
office is that in?Copy !req
245. Oh, you won't miss her.
She's still wearingCopy !req
246. the felt antlers.Copy !req
247. Absolute freak show
in there.Copy !req
248. Hey, what the hell's
going on?Copy !req
249. Oh, Santa.
I-I'm sorry.Copy !req
250. I didn't realize
this was your car.Copy !req
251. That's right. Now,
crumple up that ticket.Copy !req
252. Now eat it!Copy !req
253. All right, now we're
gonna go to your homeCopy !req
254. and wait for you
to pass it,Copy !req
255. and then you're gonna
eat it again.Copy !req
256. Hey, honey,
this is Santa.Copy !req
257. He's gonna come in
and watch me in the bathroom.Copy !req
258. Oh, just like the
Easter Bunny did.Copy !req
259. Exactly.Copy !req
260. I got a lot of guys
coming through here.Copy !req
261. The next composition isCopy !req
262. Opus Dei, Dei Dei Pater,Copy !req
263. seventh movement, by Chopin.Copy !req
264. Correction. The next compositionCopy !req
265. is 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.Copy !req
266. I lost my virginity
to this song.Copy !req
267. Ugh, this party's a dud.Copy !req
268. Yeah, no kidding.Copy !req
269. That lady turned off
a Hall & Oates songCopy !req
270. because it was
"too provocative."Copy !req
271. Everyone, let's remember,Copy !req
272. this is still a workplace.Copy !req
273. Sorry, Barb.Copy !req
274. You know what?
I got an idea.Copy !req
275. I'm gonna stir up some drama,
make this party interesting.Copy !req
276. Excuse me? Uh, could I have
your attention please? Hi.Copy !req
277. Hi, I'm Chadwick Redmayne
from the regional office.Copy !req
278. Unfortunately, since people
only use printers nowCopy !req
279. to print out boarding passes
for their grandparents,Copy !req
280. 40% of you will
be laid off as of Monday.Copy !req
281. Oh, and whoever drinks
the most shots keeps their job.Copy !req
282. See? That's how you
get a party started.Copy !req
283. Mr. Redmayne, I don't
know who you are,Copy !req
284. but I've been in charge of
this office for 16 years...Copy !req
285. Sad.
and I want to thank you.Copy !req
286. I've been trying to reduce
our staff costs for months,Copy !req
287. but just didn't have
the guts to do it,Copy !req
288. much less before Christmas.Copy !req
289. Yeah, well, that's why
they send in Channing Redwick,Copy !req
290. or Chadmayne, or whatever,Copy !req
291. I don't even remember
what I said.Copy !req
292. We could use someone
like you around here.Copy !req
293. Welcome aboard.
See you Monday.Copy !req
294. Wow, a paying, grown-up job!Copy !req
295. I haven't been this excited
about anythingCopy !req
296. since the night Wicked
premiered in Quahog.Copy !req
297. All right, Brian,
let's rob these gay guys.Copy !req
298. What if they're home?Copy !req
299. They're not gonna be home.Copy !req
300. Bye, Santa!Copy !req
301. Bye, strippers!Copy !req
302. Uh, you can all take
your clothes off now,Copy !req
303. I was just comin' in
for the spaghetti.Copy !req
304. Aah! Bitch!Copy !req
305. Ah, that hurts.Copy !req
306. Ah, I'm drunk.Copy !req
307. Heart's beatin' fast.Copy !req
308. Spaghetti angel!Copy !req
309. I'm makin' a spaghetti angel.Copy !req
310. When Italian guys die, they...Copy !req
311. they turn into...Copy !req
312. into...Copy !req
313. into...Copy !req
314. Peter.Copy !req
315. Peter Griffin.Copy !req
316. Peter? We need to talk.Copy !req
317. Who...
Who are you?Copy !req
318. I'm the real Santa Claus.Copy !req
319. Awesome! Okay, my first wish
is for a thousand wishes.Copy !req
320. Yes!
That's not me.
That's a genie.Copy !req
321. Okay, then my first wish
is for a genie.Copy !req
322. Again, you'd need a genie.Copy !req
323. How wasted are you?Copy !req
324. Don't judge me.Copy !req
325. You live in a bottle.Copy !req
326. It's a lamp.Copy !req
327. And I'm not a genie!Copy !req
328. All right, come on
now, pal, seriously,Copy !req
329. who are you really?Copy !req
330. I already told you,
I'm Santa Claus.Copy !req
331. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
332. Well, if you're Santa,
then what did I ask forCopy !req
333. for Christmas when I was 12?
Nothing.Copy !req
334. Because it was the year
you found that PenthouseCopy !req
335. in the woods.Copy !req
336. You really are Santa!Copy !req
337. Am I really heavier than you?Copy !req
338. I-I got to,
I got to take control.Copy !req
339. Look, I'm not very
happy with you.Copy !req
340. You can't go around in that suit
pretending you're meCopy !req
341. and acting like
a complete jackass.Copy !req
342. What are you talking about?
People love me.Copy !req
343. They give me free stuff.Copy !req
344. No, they love me.Copy !req
345. You're just exploiting
my brand for personal gainCopy !req
346. and destroying my reputation.Copy !req
347. So there's, like, no
toilet on the sleigh,Copy !req
348. so you're, you're just,Copy !req
349. you're just crapping in
people's houses, right?Copy !req
350. You're not hearing me.Copy !req
351. Stop wearing that suit, or else.Copy !req
352. Or else what?Copy !req
353. Or else I will put you
at the top of my naughty list.Copy !req
354. You know, you're not talking
to a little kid anymore,Copy !req
355. so get the hell
out of my face, Santa.Copy !req
356. I like this suit,
and I'm keeping it.Copy !req
357. Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
358. you're standing in my
strip club spaghetti.Copy !req
359. I got to get this home
to my family for supper.Copy !req
360. You better watch out.Copy !req
361. Gail?Copy !req
362. Gail, is your Internet working?Copy !req
363. Mine's slow.Copy !req
364. Oh, my God, Gail,
what happened?Copy !req
365. I just found out I'm part
of the downsizing you announced.Copy !req
366. Oh, no.Copy !req
367. So your Internet,
is it, is it slow?Copy !req
368. Gail, you were supposed
to be gone an hour ago.Copy !req
369. Hey, give her a break, man.Copy !req
370. This is Gail Devereaux-Slansky.Copy !req
371. Oh, it's just
Gail Devereaux now.Copy !req
372. Oof, tough week.Copy !req
373. Why don't you stop
rubberneckingCopy !req
374. and finish that
payroll report I asked for?Copy !req
375. I can't believe I got fired.Copy !req
376. And right before the holidays.Copy !req
377. Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas.Copy !req
378. Like the Little Drummer Boy when
he got really into Neil Peart.Copy !req
379. Christmas is gonna be sick!Copy !req
380. So, Dad, now that
you made Santa mad,Copy !req
381. aren't you scared he's gonna
do something bad to you?Copy !req
382. Ah, Santa's all talk.Copy !req
383. He ain't gonna do nothing.Copy !req
384. Hey, Peter.Copy !req
385. Ready to go to Build-A-Bear?Copy !req
386. What?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
387. I got your text.Copy !req
388. It says, "Hey, Joe,
cancel your plans.Copy !req
389. Let's go to Build-A-Bear."
I didn't send you a...Copy !req
390. Oh, son of a bitch, Santa.Copy !req
391. Joe, I did not send you a text.Copy !req
392. Well, you sent another text
that says,Copy !req
393. "Hey, Joe, it's definitely me,
Peter, who sent the text."Copy !req
394. Damn it, he covered all bases.Copy !req
395. What do you think, Peter?Copy !req
396. Maybe a little
sun hat for Cindy?Copy !req
397. Whatever, I'm done with my bear.
Let's get out of here.Copy !req
398. Well, the text you sent
earlier would disagree.Copy !req
399. You said, "No matter what I say,Copy !req
400. I want to build multiple bears."Copy !req
401. Joe, I swear to you,
I do not want to do that.Copy !req
402. News flash, Peter,
looks like you do.Copy !req
403. Would anyone like to lead
the family in a holiday prayer?Copy !req
404. I'll tell you who should be
saying his prayers, Santa.Copy !req
405. He messes with me,
I mess with him.Copy !req
406. That's why I replaced
one of his flying reindeerCopy !req
407. with an ordinary,
non-magical one.Copy !req
408. Cut it off, cut it off!Copy !req
409. You know, I think this year
is gonna be the best...Copy !req
410. Yay, free horse!Copy !req
411. What the hell?Copy !req
412. Hey, Chris, get in here.Copy !req
413. This is impossible, right?Copy !req
414. All of Meg's farts
here in this box?Copy !req
415. I would think
that's impossible.Copy !req
416. Yeah, right?
That's impossible.Copy !req
417. Is this the box?
Yeah, that's it.Copy !req
418. Yeah, that's impossible.
I know, it's impossible.Copy !req
419. Right— O-okay, all right,
I'm opening it.Copy !req
420. Unless whoever sent
it was magic.Copy !req
421. Oh, well, now
that's interesting.Copy !req
422. Chad, we got to talk
about this report.Copy !req
423. Why do you write all
your twos backwards?Copy !req
424. Well, you know it's a two,
so why are we talking?Copy !req
425. Fix it, or you're fired.Copy !req
426. You know what?Copy !req
427. I thought working in a cubicleCopy !req
428. at a mid-sized printing companyCopy !req
429. would be the adventure
of a lifetime.Copy !req
430. Instead, it's been nothing
but tedium and cruelty.Copy !req
431. It's time to set things right.Copy !req
432. Here you go, Warren.Copy !req
433. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
434. $11,000?Copy !req
435. Yes, it's the maximum check
amount I'm authorized to cut.Copy !req
436. Cash it fast.Copy !req
437. Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.Copy !req
438. Merry Christmas, cash it fast.Copy !req
439. Thanks, Chadwick.
This is awesome.Copy !req
440. I think you mean
"Happy Holidays."Copy !req
441. You got to be kidding me.Copy !req
442. Oh, this is too good.Copy !req
443. Point, Griffin.Copy !req
444. Let's see you top...Copy !req
445. Now you gonna listen?Copy !req
446. Now you gonna listen,
you little bitch?Copy !req
447. Whose suit are you wearing?
Your suit!Copy !req
448. Whose suit?
Your suit!Copy !req
449. It's your suit!Copy !req
450. Okay, okay,Copy !req
451. I'll never wear
that Santa suit again.Copy !req
452. Just stop terrorizing me and
take me off the naughty list.Copy !req
453. You promise?
Yes!Copy !req
454. Thank you.Copy !req
455. I've always known you wereCopy !req
456. a good boy deep inside, Peter.Copy !req
457. And just so you know
there are no hard feelings,Copy !req
458. this is for you.Copy !req
459. It's that Penthouse
you found in the woods.Copy !req
460. With Vanessa Williams
and George Burns on the cover?Copy !req
461. I'm glad you like it.Copy !req
462. I had to buy it from
a really creepy guyCopy !req
463. on the Internet.Copy !req
464. Look, Santa,
I owe you an apology.Copy !req
465. I'm sorry I took
advantage of your good name.Copy !req
466. You spread so much joy and
wonder to kids everywhere,Copy !req
467. and I just used that
to get stuff for myself.Copy !req
468. Apology accepted.Copy !req
469. And truth is,Copy !req
470. you weren't the worst Santa.Copy !req
471. This was the worst Santa.Copy !req
472. Oh, ho, ho, ho!Copy !req
473. Oh, and that's another thing.Copy !req
474. It's "Ho, ho, ho."Copy !req
475. Everybody pronounces it wrong.Copy !req
476. It's very irritating.Copy !req
477. So long, Peter.Copy !req
478. Glad to have you back
on the nice list.Copy !req
479. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
480. Ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
481. And that was the
Christmas I would never forget.Copy !req
482. Until I went home and had,
like, 50 beers, and did forget.Copy !req
483. But only after I screamed
myself into a blackoutCopy !req
484. while my whole family
held me down.Copy !req
485. Merry Christmas.Copy !req