1. And now,
the Game Show Network presents,Copy !req
2. Are We Talking About Jake
Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?Copy !req
3. "I am oily-haired with
dinner-plate eyes."Copy !req
4. "I was in that one movie
about the weirdo."Copy !req
5. "I somehow look both
deathly ill and ripped."Copy !req
6. "I am a less successful
version of Tobey Maguire."Copy !req
7. Anyone? No?Copy !req
8. "You would totally believe any
story about me being a dick."Copy !req
9. I'm changing the channel.
I like both of them.Copy !req
10. Peter, did you
see this?Copy !req
11. It says here that
Carter PewterschmidtCopy !req
12. has bought the
Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.Copy !req
13. Now what's that?Copy !req
14. It's where you work, Peter.Copy !req
15. Why the hell would Daddy
buy the brewery?Copy !req
16. Well, there's children in the
room— watch your swearing—Copy !req
17. but apparently, he's looking
to diversify his holdings.Copy !req
18. Wow, Dad. I guess that means
Grandpa's your new boss.Copy !req
19. Ah, crap.
I don't want to work for him.Copy !req
20. I'd rather work
for Doctor Frankenstein.Copy !req
21. Igor, I did it!
Hold on.Copy !req
22. You discovered the power
to create new life,Copy !req
23. and you created a guy?Copy !req
24. So I should've made a woman so
I could have sex with a corpse?Copy !req
25. I don't know, man.Copy !req
26. You just shouldn't
have made a guy.Copy !req
27. All right, now that
I'm in charge of this brewery,Copy !req
28. there's gonna be some changes
around here.Copy !req
29. For one thing, no more T-shirts
or dungarees in the work place.Copy !req
30. Dungarees are jeans!Copy !req
31. Griffin? What are
you doing here?Copy !req
32. I... I work here.Copy !req
33. You do? No way!Copy !req
34. Oh, this is gonna be fun.Copy !req
35. Effective immediately,
you're the guy at the officeCopy !req
36. with a weird ski tan, but
you can't talk about it.Copy !req
37. Hey, what, did you go
skiing this weekend?Copy !req
38. I'm not allowed
to talk about it.Copy !req
39. Aw, damn it.Copy !req
40. Morning, Brian.Copy !req
41. I'm afraid you
ran a red light.Copy !req
42. Your license please.Copy !req
43. Ugh. I swear, Joe,Copy !req
44. the light was still gray
when I went through it.Copy !req
45. Mm-hmm. Are you aware
this is expired?Copy !req
46. What?Copy !req
47. Brian, step out
of the vehicle.Copy !req
48. Wha-Wha... What?
What's going on?Copy !req
49. Well, the law's clear.Copy !req
50. I have to confiscate
your license,Copy !req
51. and you're gonna
have to walk home.Copy !req
52. Well, can't you at least
give me a ride?Copy !req
53. No can do, amigo.Copy !req
54. Ugh. All right, I guess
I'll just call an Uber.Copy !req
55. Are you Brian?Copy !req
56. Ah, Griffin,
there you are.Copy !req
57. I've decided that
as your new boss,Copy !req
58. I'm gonna require you to
have a standing desk.Copy !req
59. Aw, but I'll look
like such an ass!Copy !req
60. And that's not all.Copy !req
61. You got to constantly
tell everybodyCopy !req
62. what a good idea it is,
and how important it is,Copy !req
63. and how wrong they are
for having traditional desks.Copy !req
64. Can't I just work at it
and mind my own business?Copy !req
65. No, you have to be
a freak about it.Copy !req
66. Maybe it can just be
my own personal choice,Copy !req
67. and-and I'm not judging
others for their choices.Copy !req
68. No. You being right means
everyone else is wrong.Copy !req
69. That's what your standing desk
is saying to the chair people.Copy !req
70. From now on,
you call them "chair people."Copy !req
71. Oh, and three times
a day you have to say,Copy !req
72. "Sitting is the biggest killer
in America."Copy !req
73. Good night, Peter.Copy !req
74. Good night,
gender-transitioned co-workerCopy !req
75. we had a whole
meeting about.Copy !req
76. Mr. Pewterschmidt, what
you're ordering is illegal.Copy !req
77. I don't care about that.Copy !req
78. I want our beer cans made from
the cheapest material possible.Copy !req
79. But sir...
What about those metal toilets
where prisoners make wine?Copy !req
80. Use those.Copy !req
81. But sir, if word got out
about this, it'd be oneCopy !req
82. of the most notorious
developments in beer history,Copy !req
83. second only to Michelob Ultra
Dragon Fruit Peach.Copy !req
84. Peter, are you sure you heard
Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly?Copy !req
85. He actually said
he wanted cheap, toxic materialsCopy !req
86. inserted into the brewery's
supply stream?Copy !req
87. Well, his eyes looked differentCopy !req
88. how he said it,
but that was the gist.Copy !req
89. Also, some of the brewery
workers say very hurtful thingsCopy !req
90. if a co-worker wears shorts.Copy !req
91. Follow the money.Copy !req
92. Mr. Griffin, it sounds likeCopy !req
93. you've brought me
an interesting story.Copy !req
94. What should I do
with it, Ollie?Copy !req
95. Make it news!Copy !req
96. Ah, you got a standing desk,
too?Copy !req
97. Sitting's bad!Copy !req
98. I know. They don't want
to hear it, though.Copy !req
99. Sir, there's
a reporter here to see you.Copy !req
100. Is it Kermit the Frog
when he's wearing a trench coat?Copy !req
101. That tells you he's a reporter.Copy !req
102. Sir, an anonymous whistleblower
in the brewery saysCopy !req
103. you've personally ordered
the sourcing of cut-rate,Copy !req
104. potentially toxic
canning materials.Copy !req
105. God, you're gorgeous.Copy !req
106. Mr. Pewterschmidt, I remind you,
this is on the record.Copy !req
107. You ever been with a man
who's got a prostateCopy !req
108. the size of a beefsteak tomato?Copy !req
109. Oh, crap, it's Carter!Copy !req
110. I bet he's mad
I told the news about him.Copy !req
111. I'll just do what Superman does.Copy !req
112. Oh, hey, Carter.Copy !req
113. Hello, citizen.
Have you seen Peter?Copy !req
114. Aw, he was just here!Copy !req
115. Daddy, what's this about?Copy !req
116. Did Peter screw something up
at work?Copy !req
117. No, I'm here because
I've got important news.Copy !req
118. Lois, everyone,
I've left your mother,Copy !req
119. and Tricia Takanawa
is moving in with me.Copy !req
120. Holy crap!
What?Copy !req
121. I wanted you to know.Copy !req
122. I'm in love!Copy !req
123. Well, good for you
for being honest, Carter.Copy !req
124. It's never goodCopy !req
125. to keep something
that matters to you a secret.Copy !req
126. Tell her about the surf camp
in Belize, Peter.Copy !req
127. Tell her you're going.Copy !req
128. Tell her it's your dream,
and you deserve it.Copy !req
129. Tell her
it'll make you a better father.Copy !req
130. What's that, Peter?Copy !req
131. Ah, nothing.
Just something stupid.Copy !req
132. You're leaving Babs
for Tricia Takanawa?Copy !req
133. And I've never
been happier!Copy !req
134. What about Mom?
Where is Mom?Copy !req
135. The sanitarium.
The sanitarium?Copy !req
136. Yeah. I told her
I was leaving her,Copy !req
137. and she freaked out
for no reason.Copy !req
138. And I'll tell you, I don't know
why they call it a "sanitarium."Copy !req
139. That place is
a filthy hell hole.Copy !req
140. Oh, my God!
That's awful!Copy !req
141. Sorry. What'd you say?
I was texting Tricia.Copy !req
142. She just sent me
a picture of her smoothie.Copy !req
143. "Looks good, babe."Copy !req
144. All right, class,
let's get started.Copy !req
145. Stewie, what are you doing?Copy !req
146. And why are you dressed
like that?Copy !req
147. Because I'm your driver's
ed instructor, Brian.Copy !req
148. You're what?
That's right.Copy !req
149. I heard you lost
your license,Copy !req
150. and I'm gonna help
you get it back.Copy !req
151. Uh... okay.Copy !req
152. Now, we've got a lot to cover.Copy !req
153. But first,
let's watch a safety videoCopy !req
154. designed to terrorize you into
being a responsible motorist.Copy !req
155. Come on,
kid with a bright future.Copy !req
156. I'll give you
a no-seatbelt car rideCopy !req
157. after this teen kegger party.Copy !req
158. I don't know.Copy !req
159. I'm going
to Harvard-Yale tomorrow.Copy !req
160. I'd hate to lose it all
because of making poor choices.Copy !req
161. Ah, come on, man. I just had
a couple of alcohol beers.Copy !req
162. And I'm his girlfriend
'cause he has great genitals.Copy !req
163. And I'm impressed
with reckless behavior,Copy !req
164. so I'm going to reward him with
my mouth while he's driving.Copy !req
165. Now let's smoke
a marijuana cigaretteCopy !req
166. while I'm speeding
because of a dare.Copy !req
167. Hey, careful. I'd hate
for you to be unresponsiveCopy !req
168. to my pleasuring while you're
driving because of intoxication.Copy !req
169. Stewie, is
this about anythingCopy !req
170. but oral stuff while
you're driving?Copy !req
171. It's about all facets
of driving safety, yes.Copy !req
172. I'm gonna fast-forward.Copy !req
173. What a waste.Copy !req
174. I'm a grizzled,
seen-it-all veteran cop,Copy !req
175. and I'm shaking my head
at the senseless waste.Copy !req
176. Sir, we've done
our police tests.Copy !req
177. The driver was being
mouth-pleasedCopy !req
178. at the moment of impact.Copy !req
179. Lois! Fat Ass!Copy !req
180. Family, I want you to
meet Tricia Takanawa.Copy !req
181. Hello, everyone.
So happy you came.Copy !req
182. Yup, food's
on the table,Copy !req
183. and if anyone needs
some dirty underpants,Copy !req
184. the vending machine's
right over there.Copy !req
185. How nice.Copy !req
186. Right where my mother's
China cabinet used to be.Copy !req
187. Lois, can I please have a dollar
for the vending machine?Copy !req
188. No, Peter.
I'm getting our coats.Copy !req
189. We're leaving.Copy !req
190. No! Bill too crinkly!Copy !req
191. Try again!Copy !req
192. Bill too crinkly!Copy !req
193. You dollar funny!Copy !req
194. This must be
so difficult for you.Copy !req
195. It is. There's a lot
of choices here.Copy !req
196. But I ain't
talking to you.Copy !req
197. I thought you were supposed to
be doing a news story on Carter,Copy !req
198. not shacking up with him.Copy !req
199. The truth is
all I ever wantedCopy !req
200. was to some day have
a family of my own.Copy !req
201. And I realized Carter
could give me all of that.Copy !req
202. A family all your own?Copy !req
203. Yes. A family just like this,Copy !req
204. in fact, with a fine son
just like you, Peter.Copy !req
205. A son to whom I could one day
give a piece of sour plum candy.Copy !req
206. Thank you, Mama Tricia!Copy !req
207. But a lazy son
who does not make me proud?Copy !req
208. Peter, that son
deserves no candy.Copy !req
209. I swear, Mama Tricia,Copy !req
210. I'm gonna make you the
proudest Tiger Mom of all!Copy !req
211. Not like how Jesus
feels about his kid.Copy !req
212. Dad, I got bullied at school!Copy !req
213. They flipped up
my lunch tray!Copy !req
214. Oh, that sucks.Copy !req
215. I wonder if that's
the worst thingCopy !req
216. that ever happened to a guy?Copy !req
217. Whoa. Whoa!Copy !req
218. Billy, this guy
in this book here—Copy !req
219. he's really getting
the business— yikes!Copy !req
220. Okay, I'm sorry. What
happened at school today?Copy !req
221. You're kind of a dick, Dad.Copy !req
222. Huh. I wonder if
there's anyone in hereCopy !req
223. whose dad was a bigger dick.Copy !req
224. Wow! Crazy!Copy !req
225. Uh, Mom, why is Dad
over there playing chessCopy !req
226. with Tricia Takanawa?Copy !req
227. Because, Chris,
your idiot fatherCopy !req
228. thinks she's his new
"Tiger Mom,"Copy !req
229. and he's trying
to impress her.Copy !req
230. All right, Peter, it's time
to master the game of chess.Copy !req
231. Okay, that shouldn't be
too hard.Copy !req
232. No. You will do it in the
traditional Japanese way—Copy !req
233. on a wacky game show
while a beautiful womanCopy !req
234. beats your scrotum
with a reed.Copy !req
235. Ow. I don't know which way
the horse goes.Copy !req
236. Why is that guy laughing at me
and where is he?Copy !req
237. There was a time limit?
Nobody told me that.Copy !req
238. Time for "Good Door,
Bad Door"!Copy !req
239. Wait. How bad is the bad door?Copy !req
240. Grandpa-san, how bad
was the bad door?Copy !req
241. Not too bad.Copy !req
242. But shortly afterwards,Copy !req
243. I was almost eaten alive
by an escalator.Copy !req
244. The game is still going on?Copy !req
245. You lose chess!Copy !req
246. Peter, another way
to impress your Asian Tiger MomCopy !req
247. is to put on this
old-fashioned baseball hatCopy !req
248. and assist Indiana Jones
on his next adventure.Copy !req
249. You got it, Mama Tricia.Copy !req
250. Okay, nice and slow,
Doctor Jones.Copy !req
251. More alcohol and pot.Copy !req
252. Yeah, let's get you out
of the tub first, Doctor Jones.Copy !req
253. I want to fly an old plane.Copy !req
254. I'm not sure
that's a great idea.Copy !req
255. Not a new, safe one.Copy !req
256. Uh, yeah, yeah,
I got that.Copy !req
257. There's a skeleton
in my bedroom.Copy !req
258. That's your wife,
Doctor Jones.Copy !req
259. Now maybe today we
don't do the earring?Copy !req
260. No. Earring every day.Copy !req
261. All right, Brian,
let's begin.Copy !req
262. Great, let's do it.Copy !req
263. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!Copy !req
264. Stop! Demerit!Copy !req
265. What the hell?Copy !req
266. Where are your hands,
Brian?Copy !req
267. Uh... on the
steering wheel?Copy !req
268. Ten and two.Copy !req
269. All right, commence.Copy !req
270. IPDE, Brian, IPDE.
What?Copy !req
271. Identify,
Predict, Decide, Execute.Copy !req
272. You've got to constantly
be IPDE-ing everythingCopy !req
273. in your target zone.Copy !req
274. I-I-I-I don't, I don't know
what you're saying.Copy !req
275. "Identify.
Predict..."Copy !req
276. Yeah, you said that.Copy !req
277. but it doesn't
mean anyth...
IPDE that.Copy !req
278. Uh... it's a child
with a ball.
Very good.Copy !req
279. Identified.
Now predict.Copy !req
280. Predict what?
IPDE.Copy !req
281. Yeah, you keep saying
that like it's a word.Copy !req
282. Those four letters
don't make a word.Copy !req
283. It-it's not helping
me remember anything.Copy !req
284. Well, now you've got
an oncoming vehicle.Copy !req
285. Pay attention to your
four-to-six second zone.Copy !req
286. What? What is that?
Fo-four-to-six second...?Copy !req
287. IPDE the car, Brian.
IPDE the car!Copy !req
288. What does that mean?Copy !req
289. Now, check your gauges
with one eyeCopy !req
290. while keeping
your other eye on the road.Copy !req
291. My eyes go in the
same direction.Copy !req
292. What's your
tire pressure?Copy !req
293. I-I can't... I don't...
I-I'm in the car.Copy !req
294. Stop! Demerit!Copy !req
295. Stewie, I know
how to drive.Copy !req
296. I've been
driving for years.Copy !req
297. Ever hear of IPDE,
jackass?Copy !req
298. I had a great day
with the fat son.Copy !req
299. He's started
to respond positivelyCopy !req
300. to the caning
of his buttocks and knuckles.Copy !req
301. Speaking of buttocks
and knuckles,Copy !req
302. let's fool around.Copy !req
303. Mmm, sounds good.Copy !req
304. I wonder if I can tell youCopy !req
305. one of my deepest
sexual fantasies?Copy !req
306. All right. Let me just burp
through my nose for a second,Copy !req
307. I've been drinking seltzer.Copy !req
308. Okay, what do you got?Copy !req
309. Well, you're going
to think this is silly,Copy !req
310. but I love it
when a man confessesCopy !req
311. to manufacturing
improprieties.Copy !req
312. Oh, yeah? Well, then,
you're gonna love this.Copy !req
313. I ordered the brewery
to start making beer cansCopy !req
314. out of toxic, unsafe metal,
just to save a few bucks.Copy !req
315. Exactly what I wanted to hear.Copy !req
316. Thank you, Carter.Copy !req
317. And there you have it,Copy !req
318. Channel Five News audience.Copy !req
319. This has been Tricia Takanawa,
with my undercover exposéCopy !req
320. of Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.Copy !req
321. Up next... is Papa John dyeing
his eyebrows?Copy !req
322. I sleep with him to find out,Copy !req
323. though I'm fairly confident
the answer is yes.Copy !req
324. And... we're clear.Copy !req
325. What-What's going on?Copy !req
326. I finished my
investigation.Copy !req
327. But... I don't
understand.Copy !req
328. I... I thought we
were in love.Copy !req
329. I only let you think that.Copy !req
330. I'm sorry.Copy !req
331. It's time for me to go.Copy !req
332. Chris?Copy !req
333. Hi, Grandpa.Copy !req
334. I got an internship.Copy !req
335. You mean, you've been
working for Tricia?Copy !req
336. Hang on, I got to get
20 seconds of room tone.Copy !req
337. What's room tone?Copy !req
338. Oh, we got to start again.Copy !req
339. I miss her so much,
Griffin.Copy !req
340. Of all the women I've
institutionalized Babs over,Copy !req
341. she's the one
who meant the most to me.Copy !req
342. I know.Copy !req
343. It's like, one day
she's my Tiger Mom,Copy !req
344. and the next
day she isn't,Copy !req
345. and the day before
that first day,Copy !req
346. she also wasn't.Copy !req
347. But the point is
she hurt us, Carter.Copy !req
348. We got to get her back.Copy !req
349. We need revenge.Copy !req
350. Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
351. Coming up next,Copy !req
352. Nicki Minaj...
is a bear?Copy !req
353. But first, congratulations to
our very own Tricia Takanawa.Copy !req
354. That's right, Tom.
Tricia's recent exposéCopy !req
355. on the Pawtucket
Patriot BreweryCopy !req
356. has been nominated
for a local Emmy.Copy !req
357. Mm, the "local"
really hurts that.Copy !req
358. That's it, Griffin.Copy !req
359. That's how we'll
get our revenge.Copy !req
360. You and I will go
to the local Emmys,Copy !req
361. and we'll embarrass Tricia
on her big nightCopy !req
362. in front of all her peers.Copy !req
363. That's a great idea!Copy !req
364. 'Cause people
need to knowCopy !req
365. that she's an
even bigger fraudCopy !req
366. than Robert Baden Powell,Copy !req
367. the founder of
the Boy Scouts.Copy !req
368. Ma'am, I'd like to take
your son into the woods.Copy !req
369. What?
That sounds suspicious.Copy !req
370. Well, what if I said we'd
both be wearing shortsCopy !req
371. and neckerchiefs, and
I'd give him little patchesCopy !req
372. for doing what I say?Copy !req
373. So? How'd we do?Copy !req
374. Did you pass
your driver's test?Copy !req
375. Uh, yeah. Yeah,
I think so.Copy !req
376. You brought up IPDE?Copy !req
377. As a matter of
fact, I did.Copy !req
378. He was impressed?Copy !req
379. No, he had no idea
what I was talking about.Copy !req
380. He tried to Google it
on his phoneCopy !req
381. and ended up spilling hot coffee
on his balls.Copy !req
382. I took him to the ER
and he said he'd pass meCopy !req
383. if I picked him up in an hour.Copy !req
384. So it did work.Copy !req
385. Well, congratulations, you're
getting your license back!Copy !req
386. I know, it's great.Copy !req
387. Now I'll be able to go to
those dog parties again.Copy !req
388. There's Tricia.Copy !req
389. Sweet.
What's our plan?Copy !req
390. We put this
in her drink.Copy !req
391. It'll make her instantly
"triple" herself.Copy !req
392. Tripling is when you vomit,
defecate, and orgasm,Copy !req
393. all at the same time.Copy !req
394. Wha... I-I don't...Copy !req
395. Why would that
medicine even exist?Copy !req
396. Cosby.Copy !req
397. Now all we need
is a distractionCopy !req
398. so we can spike
her cocktail.Copy !req
399. Aha. You leave
that to me.Copy !req
400. I know something
that might distractCopy !req
401. all these news people.Copy !req
402. Maybe if one of
us just chucklesCopy !req
403. for no apparent reason,Copy !req
404. everyone else will
start chuckling.Copy !req
405. Worth a shot.Copy !req
406. All right, they're
all news chuckling!Copy !req
407. Go, go, go!Copy !req
408. Okay. All Tricia's
got to do nowCopy !req
409. is take one sip and
she'll blow it outCopy !req
410. of all three holes,Copy !req
411. right here in
front of everyone.Copy !req
412. And that will make us feel
better about our life choices.Copy !req
413. Hello, Mother.Copy !req
414. I'm so happy you could
be here tonight.Copy !req
415. Why happy?Copy !req
416. You no work
for Channel Ten,Copy !req
417. just Channel Five.Copy !req
418. Only half as good.Copy !req
419. Mother, please,
I-I'm being honored tonight.Copy !req
420. What honor? Connie Chung
marry Maury Povich,Copy !req
421. form media super team.Copy !req
422. Where your Povich?
You have no Povich.Copy !req
423. Wow. Tricia's mom is really
coming down hard on her.Copy !req
424. Yeah, and with really
outdated references.Copy !req
425. You know,Copy !req
426. it's no wonder Mama Trish
was so tough on me.Copy !req
427. It's the only thing
she knows.Copy !req
428. And where grandchildren?Copy !req
429. Who take care of me
when I 121 years old?Copy !req
430. Who take care of
Irene? No one.Copy !req
431. No one take
care of Irene.Copy !req
432. I guess her
name is Irene.Copy !req
433. Carter, I-I'm starting
to feel bad for Tricia.Copy !req
434. Maybe what she did to us
was wrong, but sheesh,Copy !req
435. look what her own life
has been like.Copy !req
436. I-I don't, I don't think
I can do this.Copy !req
437. Well, this stuff's
already in her drink.Copy !req
438. Mama Tricia!Copy !req
439. No!Copy !req
440. Where'd you get these?Copy !req
441. Oh, I see the guy.Copy !req
442. You're a weird guy,
Griffin.Copy !req
443. Eh, I don't know.Copy !req
444. You know, I just
been thinking,Copy !req
445. the way you and me fell
so fast for this lady,Copy !req
446. and for no reason?Copy !req
447. Maybe the problem ain't
Tricia, you know?Copy !req
448. Maybe it's us.Copy !req
449. What do you mean?Copy !req
450. Well, with my real mom gone,Copy !req
451. I-I guess maybe I just neededCopy !req
452. someone in my life
to fill that role.Copy !req
453. Someone who loves me enough to
call me fat and lazy and stupid.Copy !req
454. Hmm, maybe you're right.Copy !req
455. And maybe I was just looking
for a way to feel young again.Copy !req
456. Hey, Carter? We're
gonna be okay.Copy !req
457. Ah, crap. This thing
was a rental.Copy !req
458. Here's your tux back, bye!Copy !req
459. Well, I'm just glad
all this nonsenseCopy !req
460. with Tricia Takanawa
is over.Copy !req
461. Hey, what ever
happened with Grandma?Copy !req
462. Yeah, that's what everybody
was thinking about, Meg.Copy !req
463. Trust me, she'll come back
if we need her.Copy !req
464. Hey, Stewie, seriously,Copy !req
465. thanks for
everything you didCopy !req
466. to help me get
my license back.Copy !req
467. My pleasure.Copy !req
468. But now you owe me.Copy !req
469. That means one day,Copy !req
470. I'm gonna come to you
and ask for a favor.Copy !req
471. But I need
to know something.Copy !req
472. I need to know
that you're gonna say yesCopy !req
473. when that day comes.Copy !req
474. Uh, o-okay.Copy !req
475. Can we go for ice cream?Copy !req
476. Come on!Copy !req