1. Hi. It's me, Peter.Copy !req
2. You may be wondering
what I'm doing in a library.Copy !req
3. Well, I actually drove my car
into this rich guy's house,Copy !req
4. and he locked me in here
until the police come.Copy !req
5. Don't believe me?Copy !req
6. I don't know. I just
locked him in the library.
(baby crying)Copy !req
7. Seems like he's on something.
He's got crazy eyesCopy !req
8. and keeps screaming,
"I don't care."Copy !req
9. I don't care!Copy !req
10. Anyway, I've got
some time to killCopy !req
11. before this room
is filled with tear gas,Copy !req
12. so I thought,
"Why not finally readCopy !req
13. some of the classics
I never read in high school."Copy !req
14. Here's one right here:
The Great Gatsby.Copy !req
15. A book by the only respected guy
in the world named Scott.Copy !req
16. It was my first summer
staying at the shore,Copy !req
17. but I had a feeling that I,
Nick "The Situation" Carraway,Copy !req
18. would fit right in.Copy !req
19. Hey, it's Nick
from The Great Gatsby.Copy !req
20. I just checked in, and somebody
left their teeth here.Copy !req
21. I-I don't know,
it's just a set of teeth.Copy !req
22. I-I guess men's?Copy !req
23. No, I'm not putting them
anywhere.Copy !req
24. You come and get them.Copy !req
25. (lively jazz music playing)
Yecch. The neighbors
are having a partyCopy !req
26. with loud jazz music.Copy !req
27. Well, at least
annoyingly scatting over jazzCopy !req
28. hasn't been invented yet.Copy !req
29. Oh, that must have
been invented today!Copy !req
30. Hey, whose party is this?Copy !req
31. I'm not sure. Women aren't
allowed to ask questions yet.Copy !req
32. So, what's your name?Copy !req
33. Madam, you forget yourself.Copy !req
34. That's when I first
laid eyes on him.Copy !req
35. Jay Gatsby.Copy !req
36. He was clearly playing with
himself through his pocket,Copy !req
37. but I pretended not to see.Copy !req
38. Hello. Welcome
to my party.Copy !req
39. Name's Gatsby. Good to
meet you, old sport.Copy !req
40. Yeah, just a wave is fine.Copy !req
41. I-I'm your new neighbor,
Nick Carraway.Copy !req
42. Oh, I hope we weren't
too loud, old sport.Copy !req
43. Yeah, this
"old sport" thing,Copy !req
44. is this, is this something
you're trying out,Copy !req
45. or is this a keeper?
I just met you,Copy !req
46. so I want to tell you
something very private.Copy !req
47. Let's go out to the dock.Copy !req
48. I come down here
to think every nightCopy !req
49. and gaze at that green light.Copy !req
50. It's where the love
of my life lives,Copy !req
51. Daisy Buchanan.Copy !req
52. Um, I hate to
break it to you,Copy !req
53. but that light you've
been looking atCopy !req
54. is a gay gym called
The Pump House.Copy !req
55. I-I only know that
because I saw a couponCopy !req
56. that came with my rental.Copy !req
57. Um... anyway, Daisy's
house is over there.Copy !req
58. She's my cousin.
Daisy's your cousin?Copy !req
59. Yeah. Lot of weird coincidences
for an American classic, huh?Copy !req
60. Wha... I have to see her!Copy !req
61. Well, I can set that up.Copy !req
62. Um, only thing is she's married.Copy !req
63. Yeah, and I hear
her husband's a real heel.Copy !req
64. Whoa-hoa! Language!Copy !req
65. But, yeah, I'll set it up.Copy !req
66. Um, tea tomorrow at
my house, 2:00 p.m.Copy !req
67. Great. She's...
she's gonna be there, right?Copy !req
68. Yeah. Why wouldn't
she be there?Copy !req
69. I don't know, I'm just getting
a funny vibe from you.Copy !req
70. You asked me down
to the docks alone,Copy !req
71. and you're getting
a funny vibe from me?Copy !req
72. Wow. What an ugly
little house.Copy !req
73. Oh, yeah, it's not that palace
of domestic abuse you live in.Copy !req
74. Whassup...?Copy !req
75. Oh, my God!Copy !req
76. Is it really you?Copy !req
77. Oh, I've missed you, Daisy.Copy !req
78. You're as beautiful as ever.Copy !req
79. You know what else
is beautiful?Copy !req
80. My bank account. Boom!Copy !req
81. Rich guy.
You're rich now?Copy !req
82. Oh, my God, I love that!
I know, right?Copy !req
83. Come on, I'll show
you my place.Copy !req
84. Oh, you're leaving?Copy !req
85. But I made
all these deviled eggs.Copy !req
86. You made?
You know what I meant.Copy !req
87. Yeah, you made them.
Great job.Copy !req
88. You know, one of the best parts
of having an enormous mansionCopy !req
89. is being able to come out here
and get some fresh air.Copy !req
90. You know, sometimes I just want
to jump off this balconyCopy !req
91. and into that pool down there.Copy !req
92. So do it.Copy !req
93. Yeah, I know, right?
Do it! (chuckles)Copy !req
94. Yeah. Do it.Copy !req
95. I know. I totally should,
right? Here I go.Copy !req
96. One, two, three...Copy !req
97. (laughing): Whoa!
Can you imagine?Copy !req
98. Yeah, I-I can imagine.
It would be fun.Copy !req
99. You should do it.
If only it were
that easy, right?Copy !req
100. It is. It looks
deep enough.Copy !req
101. It's your pool.
It's your house.Copy !req
102. You can do whatever
you want.
I know, right?Copy !req
103. Ah, you know what?
I can't right now.Copy !req
104. My pool guy's cleaning it.Copy !req
105. Are you going to bone her?Copy !req
106. This is amazing!Copy !req
107. I've never seen
so many shirts.Copy !req
108. D-Do you have enough to,
you know, throw?Copy !req
109. Yeah, you know, they're
actually kind of expensive...Copy !req
110. Ah, there she goes.Copy !req
111. Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!Copy !req
112. Shirt! Shirt!Copy !req
113. Okay, five is good.Copy !req
114. Five is-is probably good.Copy !req
115. Shirt! Shirt!Copy !req
116. (chuckles):
Were you, uh...Copy !req
117. were-were you this crazy
when we dated before?Copy !req
118. Mm, Gatsby, is it?Copy !req
119. I've been hearing about your
vast newly acquired wealthCopy !req
120. and your attentions
to my wife.Copy !req
121. So I thought I would
have you overCopy !req
122. to my equally
large and fancy,Copy !req
123. but imperceptibly
more classy mansionCopy !req
124. for an awkward dinner.Copy !req
125. And, Nick, have
you met Jordan?Copy !req
126. She plays golf, and is what kids
will someday call a "DUFF."Copy !req
127. Hey, yeah.
Nice tam-o'-shanter.Copy !req
128. I'll drink your finger bowl
if you don't want it.Copy !req
129. In the book, I actually go
on a few dates with Jordan.Copy !req
130. We're gonna skip all that.Copy !req
131. Anyway, like I was saying,
you're a trash, 'cause youCopy !req
132. earned your money a little
bit more recently than me.Copy !req
133. What are you getting at?
I'm saying I
invited you overCopy !req
134. and sat you next
to my wife to say,Copy !req
135. "Stay away from my wife!"Copy !req
136. You know what we should do?
Let's all drunk-driveCopy !req
137. into Manhattan
and get a hotel roomCopy !req
138. and have the same conversation
we're having here.Copy !req
139. I'm starting to think this
isn't a very good book.Copy !req
140. I'd like to add another bit
of pointless confusionCopy !req
141. that will make sense later.Copy !req
142. Let's everyone drive
somebody else's car.Copy !req
143. Someone can take my coupe.Copy !req
144. I'm riding with Gatsby,
I don't care which car.Copy !req
145. I'll take someone
in Daisy's car.Copy !req
146. I don't think Daisy said
you could drive her car.Copy !req
147. Tom, why don't you take
Jay's car?Copy !req
148. Who's Jay?
Gatsby.Copy !req
149. Okay, I have never heard
anyone call him that.Copy !req
150. Look, if you're in your own car
you're in the wrong car.Copy !req
151. All right,
you guys get gas.Copy !req
152. I got to talk to this
random mechanic's horny wifeCopy !req
153. about some business.Copy !req
154. Wilson? Gonna need
to fill 'er up!Copy !req
155. Wilson's wife? Fill 'er up?
Get it? (laughs)Copy !req
156. I don't know what
they do up there,Copy !req
157. but they sure do listen
to Def Leppard pretty loud.Copy !req
158. (bed squeaking rhythmically)
So, seen any
good movies lately?Copy !req
159. We just saw Woman Tied
to Railroad Tracks 5.Copy !req
160. Pretty similar to 4.Copy !req
161. (bed continues squeaking)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
162. Wow, looks like you guys
are getting a head startCopy !req
163. on the Depression here.Copy !req
164. Thanks for stopping
by, Mr. Buchanan.Copy !req
165. Yeah, sure. Don't tell anyone
how bad I look naked.Copy !req
166. Have fun raising my bastard.Copy !req
167. All right, let's head out.Copy !req
168. Wait, but first I want to seeCopy !req
169. if we're in the funny horn era.Copy !req
170. (old-fashioned horn):
Ah-ooga!Copy !req
171. Ah-ha! We are!Copy !req
172. All right, Gatsby,
you think you're so hot?Copy !req
173. Let me show you how a classy guy
does classy stuff.Copy !req
174. Hello, room service?
I'd like a bottleCopy !req
175. of your
second most expensive champagne.Copy !req
176. And I'd like your
most expensive bottle.Copy !req
177. Wow. Walked right
into that one.Copy !req
178. Okay, fine. Well, then let's
see who has higher socks.Copy !req
179. Nya-ha!Copy !req
180. Whatever, Tom.
None of that matters.Copy !req
181. Daisy's in love with me.Copy !req
182. In fact, she's never loved you.Copy !req
183. Oh, is that so?Copy !req
184. Well, I hear Gatsby didn't
even fight in World War I.Copy !req
185. Wait, why is he calling it that?Copy !req
186. Is there gonna be
another big war?Copy !req
187. I'm sorry, Tom.Copy !req
188. That's right.
I'm in love with Daisy,Copy !req
189. and she loves me, old sport.Copy !req
190. Would anyone like
a deviled eggCopy !req
191. from a tea I had
several days ago?Copy !req
192. Well, that was awful.Copy !req
193. But I sure do enjoy
driving your carCopy !req
194. instead of you driving it,Copy !req
195. even though we came
in a different car.Copy !req
196. Drunk. Don't forget drunk.Copy !req
197. You're drunk-driving my car.Copy !req
198. Gas and sandwiches!Copy !req
199. Get your gas and sandwiches!Copy !req
200. Oh, that must be Tom,Copy !req
201. since I saw him
in that car earlier!Copy !req
202. Tom! Tom! It's me!Copy !req
203. Oh-ho, no!Copy !req
204. Myrtle!Copy !req
205. Where will I ever
find another womanCopy !req
206. with a hotter name
than Myrtle?Copy !req
207. (sighing): All right, pool,
do your thing.Copy !req
208. You hungover?
Uh, a little bit, yeah.Copy !req
209. Okay, we're sort of racing
to the end here.Copy !req
210. And with that,
I shall stepCopy !req
211. slightly out of range.Copy !req
212. All right, I'm just
gonna take a quick swim.Copy !req
213. Oh, my God!
Where are the stairs?Copy !req
214. There's no stairs!
I'm never gonna make it!Copy !req
215. You were standing
earlier in the dayCopy !req
216. next to the car
that hit my wife.Copy !req
217. I would soon return to New York
a changed man,Copy !req
218. because, for me,
that will always be the summerCopy !req
219. that I finally put my head
underwater.Copy !req
220. (panting):
I did it! I did it!Copy !req
221. Aw, I wish somebody
had seen that.Copy !req
222. (quietly):
Hi. Me again.Copy !req
223. I'm not
in that guy's library anymore.Copy !req
224. I snuck up to the attic
just before the cops busted in.Copy !req
225. They're down there now. Look.Copy !req
226. Only problem is,
I really want to getCopy !req
227. to that trunk of costumes
in the corner.Copy !req
228. On the one hand, I don't want
to give away my location.Copy !req
229. On the other hand,
there might be a pirate hat.Copy !req
230. Hmm, no pirate hat,
but I'll make it work.Copy !req
231. Argh! I'm a chef
aboard a pirate ship!Copy !req
232. Now, who be wantin' pancakes?Copy !req
233. I think I hear something
in the attic.Copy !req
234. Oh, crap.
While I figure out my options,Copy !req
235. here's Huckleberry Finn.Copy !req
236. (stilted):
Hi, Huckleberry Finn!Copy !req
237. (stilted):
Hi, Tom Sawyer.Copy !req
238. You're Tom, I'm Huck.Copy !req
239. Everybody good? Yep?Copy !req
240. All right, let's do this.Copy !req
241. Huckleberry Finn, you get inside
this house this minute.Copy !req
242. It's Tuesday morning.
It's time for church.Copy !req
243. Aw, Widow Douglas,Copy !req
244. I already been to church
three times today.Copy !req
245. I want to stay home
and play Angry Birds.Copy !req
246. (chuckles)
This is addictive.Copy !req
247. Hey, I'm your abusive dad,Copy !req
248. and I've been drinkin' all
day from this here jug.Copy !req
249. Oh, my God, is that
a jug full of porn?Copy !req
250. Hey, Widow Douglas,
I want to live with my dad!Copy !req
251. Shut your hole!Copy !req
252. Now come on,
I need to use your pee.Copy !req
253. I'm taking a wagon test
in the morning.Copy !req
254. I wish you wouldn't
drink so much.Copy !req
255. Stop countin' my drinks!Copy !req
256. Now get over here
so I can whip you!Copy !req
257. Ow! Pap! No!Copy !req
258. Yeah, that's
right, bitch.Copy !req
259. Now it's your turn...Copy !req
260. Geez, this is worse
than the Widow Douglas' house.Copy !req
261. I got to get out of here.Copy !req
262. I know. I'll fake my own death.Copy !req
263. I just need enough blood
to make it look real.Copy !req
264. Hey there!
You must be Huck.Copy !req
265. Great to finally
meet you.Copy !req
266. I hope you
like it here.Copy !req
267. I'm gonna stab you
for your blood.Copy !req
268. Oh, come on! I just got shot
in the pool in the last one.Copy !req
269. I can't remember
why I needed the blood.Copy !req
270. Lord, I'm-a tell ya,Copy !req
271. being a slave is
a much worse jobCopy !req
272. than the temp agency
made it sound.Copy !req
273. You gonna eat
all that possum?Copy !req
274. I am. My name's Huck Finn.Copy !req
275. What's half of your name?Copy !req
276. Jim. Nice to meet you.Copy !req
277. I'm a runaway slave.Copy !req
278. I'm runnin' away
'cause people want meCopy !req
279. to wear shoes
and comb my hair.Copy !req
280. So I guess we got
the exact same problem.Copy !req
281. (distant whooshing)
Hey, what's that sound?Copy !req
282. Oh, no!
It sounds like...Copy !req
283. a waterfall!Copy !req
284. Hold on!Copy !req
285. We died.Copy !req
286. So wait.
We didn't die?Copy !req
287. I don't know.
It's all just jokes.Copy !req
288. Ah! Did you see that?
What?Copy !req
289. I just skipped that
rock six times!Copy !req
290. That's a once-in-
a-lifetime skip!Copy !req
291. That's nice.
You don't believe
me, do ya?Copy !req
292. I believe we've been
out here a long time,Copy !req
293. and a man's mind begins
to play tricks on him.Copy !req
294. It happened for real!Copy !req
295. I can't believe
you didn't see it!Copy !req
296. Of course I saw it.Copy !req
297. Most amazing damn thing
I ever did witness.Copy !req
298. But I wasn't gonna tell Huck,
'cause he claimedCopy !req
299. he didn't see me hook-shot
that apple coreCopy !req
300. into the garbage
from way far away.Copy !req
301. Hello, friends.Copy !req
302. Why are you so friendly?
You con men?Copy !req
303. No, we're businessmen.Copy !req
304. We're fake-selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.Copy !req
305. Don't say
"fake-selling."Copy !req
306. We're real-selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.Copy !req
307. Stop qualifying
the selling.Copy !req
308. We're just selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.Copy !req
309. I'll buy it.
Hold on, now, Huck.Copy !req
310. These fellas
are con men.Copy !req
311. Push off,
you grifters.Copy !req
312. We don't want
to ever see you again.Copy !req
313. Fine, we're going!Copy !req
314. It's a river— we can't control
how fast it goes.Copy !req
315. We can barely steer!Copy !req
316. Sorry.Copy !req
317. Hey, what if it's spelled
with an A at the end of it?Copy !req
318. Is that okay?Copy !req
319. Jim? Jim?Copy !req
320. Jim? Jim?Copy !req
321. If you're looking for a gym,
Ye Olde Pump House is that way.Copy !req
322. Can't miss it.
Green light on a dock.Copy !req
323. Tom Sawyer? What are you
doing so far from home?Copy !req
324. Rush is playing
here tonight.Copy !req
325. They wrote a
song about me.Copy !req
326. Oh. Well, I'm looking
for my friend, Jim.Copy !req
327. Huck! Great news!
I'm free!Copy !req
328. You are? That's awesome!
When did that happen?Copy !req
329. It's just being
revealed now,Copy !req
330. but it happened
hundreds of pages ago.Copy !req
331. Oh. Huh. Weird.Copy !req
332. (sighing):
So, uh, what's left to do?Copy !req
333. I'll tell you what:Copy !req
334. Rush concert!Copy !req
335. Hey. I'm Mark Twain.Copy !req
336. Pretty cool book, huh?Copy !req
337. Well, while I'm being
booked and processed downtown,Copy !req
338. we have time for one more
classic of American literature.Copy !req
339. This one's about
idiots choking rodents.Copy !req
340. I give you Of Mice and Men.Copy !req
341. Read him his rights.Copy !req
342. You know what?Copy !req
343. I'm like to read 'em myself.Copy !req
344. "Chapter one:
eat my ass, pigs."Copy !req
345. Aah! The bones in my nose!Copy !req
346. Wow. I remember when this used
to be all orange groves.Copy !req
347. It's, it's currently
all orange groves.Copy !req
348. Tell me again about
our dream, George.Copy !req
349. All right, all right.
We're going to openCopy !req
350. a bed-and-breakfast
in the country,Copy !req
351. and we won't be afraid
to let our guests knowCopy !req
352. that we are Steelers fans
in this house.Copy !req
353. What about the rabbits?Copy !req
354. Yeah, we'll have rabbits, too.Copy !req
355. But we'll also have a sign
in the front that says,Copy !req
356. "Steelers fan parking only."Copy !req
357. And sometimes we'll give
our guests a fake hard time.Copy !req
358. Like if they're Jets fans,
we'll be all like,Copy !req
359. (chuckling): "Okay,
I hope you don't get towed."Copy !req
360. But obviously, you know,Copy !req
361. of course, we're
not gonna tow 'em.Copy !req
362. Hey there, strangers.Copy !req
363. Welcome to Phelps Ranch.Copy !req
364. People call me Slim.Copy !req
365. Ironically, I assume.Copy !req
366. Listen, we're looking
for field work,Copy !req
367. uh, if you need
any extra hands.Copy !req
368. Well, three of our guys
did just get squished,Copy !req
369. so we just might.
Come on in.Copy !req
370. So, have you done this
kind of work before?Copy !req
371. Have we pulled an object
off a plantCopy !req
372. and placed it in a burlap bag?Copy !req
373. Yes, I think we understand
the nuances of this profession.Copy !req
374. Good, good. And how about you?
Tell me about yourself.Copy !req
375. I like to kill animals
and then a lady.Copy !req
376. I got a good feeling
about you guys.Copy !req
377. All right, you guys
are doing great.Copy !req
378. Hey, listen, my dog just
had puppies, and I thoughtCopy !req
379. since you're covered with feces
and I barely know you,Copy !req
380. I'd give you a delicate,
snow-white, newborn puppy.Copy !req
381. Okay, just don't give me
to Dead-Eyes over there,Copy !req
382. 'cause I've already
been killed twiceCopy !req
383. in the other two stories,
and I don't want...Copy !req
384. Puppy!
Aw, (bleep)!Copy !req
385. This puppy doesn't work!Copy !req
386. Well, well, well...Copy !req
387. As you can tell by
the "well, well, well,"Copy !req
388. he's the bad guy.Copy !req
389. Looks like we got us
some new employees.Copy !req
390. That's right, Curley,
I hired 'em this morning.Copy !req
391. Well, tell 'em to get out.Copy !req
392. This is where I practice
my karate, 'cause I'm a dick.Copy !req
393. I understand you like
to pick fruit.Copy !req
394. You ever pick something
bruised and pear-shaped?Copy !req
395. Fruit has seeds you can poo out!Copy !req
396. Hey, Hodor, stop coming on
to my slutty wife!Copy !req
397. Look, I can tell by the
fact that you wear a single,Copy !req
398. Vaseline-filled leather glove
that you're a reasonable man.Copy !req
399. So, let's all take a deep
breath and calm down.Copy !req
400. No!
Karate chop!Copy !req
401. (yells)
Damn it!Copy !req
402. I tuck my jeans into my boots!Copy !req
403. I'll get you,
you stupid, giant moron.Copy !req
404. Not great timing, I know,Copy !req
405. but can I leave early
for a dentist appointment?Copy !req
406. So, I should be home by 10:00.Copy !req
407. It's just this
piano-bar-slash-cabaret placeCopy !req
408. called "Tinkles."Copy !req
409. Rory told me about it.Copy !req
410. Who's Rory?Copy !req
411. You remember him.Copy !req
412. The field hand who gave me
a shoulder rideCopy !req
413. back to the house?Copy !req
414. That was Rory.Copy !req
415. Anyway, it sounds like
it's just a hoot.Copy !req
416. Wow, maybe you'll meet a pretty
lady to get married to there.Copy !req
417. Yeah, well, that's the idea.Copy !req
418. While you're gone,
can I touch myself?Copy !req
419. Uh, again, you don't have
to schedule that with me.Copy !req
420. But remember,
if there's any trouble,Copy !req
421. we meet by the big tree
on the edge of town.Copy !req
422. Everything in my
head is screaming.Copy !req
423. All right, then, I am off.Copy !req
424. Well, hello there.Copy !req
425. If it isn't the sexy imbecile.Copy !req
426. Oh, hi.Copy !req
427. Sorry about what I did
to your husband earlier.Copy !req
428. Yes, that was quite
a hand job you did on him.Copy !req
429. You know, I'm not so bad
at those myself.Copy !req
430. I'm not gonna lie to you,Copy !req
431. you're wasting your
double entendres on me.Copy !req
432. (quietly):
I want you to destroy me.Copy !req
433. Okay!Copy !req
434. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
435. Oh, I just love a song that
explains what it just said.Copy !req
436. All right, evidently
I have to go to the big treeCopy !req
437. on the edge of town
to take care of something.Copy !req
438. This shouldn't take too long.Copy !req
439. Do not take my songs
off the list.Copy !req
440. I'm sorry, George,
I didn't mean to kill the girl,Copy !req
441. and now the whole town's
gonna hang me by a rope.Copy !req
442. Oh, I would never
let that happen.Copy !req
443. Thanks.Copy !req
444. Tell me about the rabbits,
George.
Yeah, sure thing.Copy !req
445. But while I do that, why
don't you face away from meCopy !req
446. and count the stars.Copy !req
447. Okay.Copy !req
448. All right, so the B&B will
have a rack of single-gear bikesCopy !req
449. for every guest, and yes,
next to that, of course,Copy !req
450. is going to be
the big, giant rabbit hutch.Copy !req
451. Buh-bye, Lennie.
(body thuds on ground)Copy !req
452. Goodnight, kids.Copy !req
453. Good luck with
those book reports.Copy !req