1. We now return
to Rational Geographic.Copy !req
2. Upon realizing a trip to AfricaCopy !req
3. would be smelly and gross,Copy !req
4. our crew decided
to stay in the office.Copy !req
5. Aah! Mom, Dad!
A bat, a bat!Copy !req
6. Oh, my God,
there's a bat in the house.Copy !req
7. Okay, all-all right,
everybody just calm down,Copy !req
8. it might just be
Grandpa Munster.Copy !req
9. Somebody set him up
for a funny joke.Copy !req
10. Hey, Grandpa,Copy !req
11. how did you sleep last night?Copy !req
12. Yeah, see, if it was him,
he would have said,Copy !req
13. "Like I do every night:
upside down."Copy !req
14. Okay. But, Peter,Copy !req
15. we can't have a bat
flying around the house.Copy !req
16. We got to do something.Copy !req
17. Don't worry, Lois.
I'll get rid of it.Copy !req
18. It'll be a piece of cake.Copy !req
19. Just like
my penis enhancement.Copy !req
20. I want it to hang
down to my knees.Copy !req
21. They moved up my knees.Copy !req
22. Everybody, I've come up with the
perfect plan to catch the bat.Copy !req
23. I bought this remote-
controlled toy helicopter,Copy !req
24. to which I have
attached this handgun.Copy !req
25. And I tell you, this thing
is not easy to fly.Copy !req
26. Peter, that doesn't seem very...
Here goes.Copy !req
27. Now, I don't have anything
to control the trigger with,Copy !req
28. so I put it
on a timer.Copy !req
29. But I don't remember
how long I set it...Copy !req
30. Aah! We're all
gonna die!Copy !req
31. Okay, so, now the bat has a gun
and the knives I gave him.Copy !req
32. What? Why would you
give him knives?Copy !req
33. I didn't think
it would matter.Copy !req
34. I was counting on this
helicopter thing working.Copy !req
35. Peter? Wh-Where are you?Copy !req
36. What's going on?Copy !req
37. In order to
understand the bat,Copy !req
38. we must first
understand the vampire.Copy !req
39. So I watched Interview
with the Vampire.Copy !req
40. Cast your gaze upon...Copy !req
41. Lestat.Copy !req
42. Peter, you're not a vampire.Copy !req
43. Oh? Then why am I
clad in velvet pantsCopy !req
44. tucked into soft
leather boots?Copy !req
45. And why does my shirt billow soCopy !req
46. in the wind
of that rotating fan?Copy !req
47. Peter, what's really going on?Copy !req
48. I'm just trying
to reinvent my look.Copy !req
49. A guy at work said
I dress like crap.Copy !req
50. Well, you show 'em
tomorrow, Peter.Copy !req
51. How'd it go?Copy !req
52. I was sent home early
and labeled a distraction.Copy !req
53. They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.Copy !req
54. Wha... Wh-What's wrong?Copy !req
55. Ar-Are we taking a
terrible 7:00 a.m. flight?Copy !req
56. No, no. I realized
to catch a bat,Copy !req
57. I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.Copy !req
58. It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.Copy !req
59. Okay, but what
are you gonna do?Copy !req
60. Well, as everyone knows,Copy !req
61. bats watch a ton
of Cinemax softcore porn,Copy !req
62. so that seems like
the place to start.Copy !req
63. Aha!Copy !req
64. Welcome back
to CNBC's Moneyline.Copy !req
65. Oh, come on, man,
nobody's buying that.Copy !req
66. You expect me to
believe you own stocks?Copy !req
67. Bat Industries was up
two dollars a share todayCopy !req
68. in heavy trading.Copy !req
69. Huh.Copy !req
70. Get back here! Damn it!Copy !req
71. Aah!Copy !req
72. I got you now, Bat Damon.Copy !req
73. I named you Bat Damon.Copy !req
74. Aw, now I want you to live.Copy !req
75. Aah! Aah! What is it?Copy !req
76. Aah!
Ow!Copy !req
77. You can beat me,
but I am who I am!Copy !req
78. Peter, what the hell
did you do to Stewie's hand?Copy !req
79. It could be broken.Copy !req
80. I didn't mean to.
It's just,Copy !req
81. sometimes I don't think
before I act.Copy !req
82. Oh, hey, high-five.Copy !req
83. Hey, did you just
high-five that sign?Copy !req
84. Yeah.Copy !req
85. You think differently.Copy !req
86. Get in.Copy !req
87. His name was Derek.Copy !req
88. But he went by the Prophet
when times were good,Copy !req
89. or the Law Giver
when times were bad.Copy !req
90. I moved onto his prayer farm
with 45 other membersCopy !req
91. of the Salvation Star Boys,
who died in a mass suicide.Copy !req
92. But not me.
'Cause I don't like root beer.Copy !req
93. And I only drink what I like.Copy !req
94. After it was all over,
I called Lois to pick me up.Copy !req
95. She was mad.Copy !req
96. But she's what Derek calls
an Oppressing Doubter.Copy !req
97. May the light
of Derek's Invincible DiamondCopy !req
98. shine through you.Copy !req
99. Oh, thank you so much for
coming in early, Dr. Hartman.Copy !req
100. Oh, no problem.Copy !req
101. Hell, I used
to work here.
What?Copy !req
102. Good news.
Stewie's hand looks fine.Copy !req
103. Oh, hey, high-five.Copy !req
104. Huh. As long as you're here,Copy !req
105. I see Stewie hasn't had
his vaccinations yet.Copy !req
106. Should we take care of that?Copy !req
107. Well, I suppose so.Copy !req
108. Oh, but first, I'm required
to have you read this pamphletCopy !req
109. about the risks
of vaccinations.Copy !req
110. God, you are aging
so rapidly.Copy !req
111. "Possible side effects:Copy !req
112. fever, severe allergic reaction,
muscle and joint pain"?Copy !req
113. Wait, and this can't be right:Copy !req
114. they actually put
some of the disease in the shot?Copy !req
115. Hey, man, how many
questions your lady ask?Copy !req
116. Uh, like, a million?Copy !req
117. But I don't remember
having to read any of thisCopy !req
118. when Chris and Meg
had their vaccinations.Copy !req
119. Well, that was before
Internet chat roomsCopy !req
120. made everybody an expert.Copy !req
121. It's a better world now.Copy !req
122. I-I don't know about this,
Dr. Hartman.Copy !req
123. We might need a little bit
of time to think this over.Copy !req
124. Yeah, 'cause we don't
want to make a big mistake.Copy !req
125. Like when I peed
next to the chatty guy.Copy !req
126. Hey, man, we should
get out of here;Copy !req
127. the building's on fire.Copy !req
128. Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.Copy !req
129. Anyway, I'll tell you
what's on fire: my urethra.Copy !req
130. That's the last time
I go to a water park,Copy !req
131. I'll tell you that much.Copy !req
132. Well, that's
not completely true,Copy !req
133. 'cause I have a Groupon,
and I'd hate to waste it.Copy !req
134. Plus, the truth is,
the kids...Copy !req
135. Oh, my God...Copy !req
136. I was the chatty guy.Copy !req
137. Hey, you guys,
is that my laptop?Copy !req
138. Yeah, sorry,
we were looking something up.Copy !req
139. We were going to
get Stewie vaccinated,Copy !req
140. but now, after our research,
we're definitely not.Copy !req
141. Ah, no, Lois,
don't tell meCopy !req
142. you fell for all that
anti-vaxxer crap.Copy !req
143. It's not crap, Brian.Copy !req
144. There's a lot of evidence
to suggest there's a linkCopy !req
145. between vaccinations
and autism.Copy !req
146. Lois, all that so-called
evidence has been debunked.Copy !req
147. Listen to some
of these ingredients:Copy !req
148. "mercury, thimerosal,
aluminum, formaldehyde."Copy !req
149. Lois, deciding
not to vaccinate StewieCopy !req
150. is something
that affects all of us.Copy !req
151. The only reason they workCopy !req
152. is that if a critical mass
of society gets immunized,Copy !req
153. then the diseases won't spread.Copy !req
154. Look, Brian,
I was skeptical, too,Copy !req
155. but then I did some researchCopy !req
156. and I found
some very interesting thingsCopy !req
157. from the leader of the
anti-vaccination movement,Copy !req
158. Jenny McCarthy.Copy !req
159. See? Proof.Copy !req
160. Hard to argue with that.Copy !req
161. And look at this one.Copy !req
162. Glasses.Copy !req
163. Case closed.Copy !req
164. I can't believe you guys.Copy !req
165. Don't you realize
you're contributingCopy !req
166. to a potential
public health disasterCopy !req
167. by not vaccinating
your child?Copy !req
168. That's exactly the point—
my child.Copy !req
169. He's my child,Copy !req
170. and nothing matters
more than his well-being.Copy !req
171. Oh, God, this is going to be
a Lois story, isn't it?Copy !req
172. Game of Thrones is on—
just a reminder.Copy !req
173. Yeah, we made
this mistake before.Copy !req
174. We got the other kids
vaccinated,Copy !req
175. but Meg still got chicken pox.Copy !req
176. Dad, this is acne.Copy !req
177. Girl, you nasty.Copy !req
178. You realize the vast majority
of people think you're wrong.Copy !req
179. Well, maybe that's
the problem.Copy !req
180. We just got to
change their minds.Copy !req
181. We're getting this town
to change its mindCopy !req
182. about vaccinations.Copy !req
183. Yeah. I'm with you.Copy !req
184. Just as soon as I finish
getting the word outCopy !req
185. about the one thing
more important.Copy !req
186. The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!Copy !req
187. They're ladies!Copy !req
188. Just one of 'em?Copy !req
189. That's the thing—
it's both of 'em!Copy !req
190. What are the chances?Copy !req
191. What are the chances?Copy !req
192. The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!Copy !req
193. All right, come on, Peter,Copy !req
194. I've got all the stuff
for our anti-vaccination rally.Copy !req
195. I don't believe this.Copy !req
196. It's bad enough you guysCopy !req
197. aren't vaccinating Stewie.Copy !req
198. Now you're trying
to convince other peopleCopy !req
199. to make the same
reckless choice?Copy !req
200. I'm also gonna pet
a bunch of dogs without asking.Copy !req
201. Don't do that.
We don't like that.Copy !req
202. Then I'm gonna try
and look at their teeth.Copy !req
203. Brian, all we want is
for parents to have the choice.Copy !req
204. Because parents know
what's best for their kids.Copy !req
205. I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.Copy !req
206. You do realize they're
putting your life in dangerCopy !req
207. by not getting you immunized.Copy !req
208. You could get measles, mumps,
rubella, whooping cough...Copy !req
209. Oh, my God,
are you serious?Copy !req
210. Very serious.
Even the tiniest germCopy !req
211. could make you very ill and,
left untreated, kill you.Copy !req
212. Really?Copy !req
213. I'd expect this kind of thingCopy !req
214. from the fat man but not Lois.Copy !req
215. Although she did
act like a nutcaseCopy !req
216. that time she went shopping
right before Thanksgiving.Copy !req
217. Ready for Turkey Day?Copy !req
218. Clever.Copy !req
219. Don't eat too much turkey
tomorrow.Copy !req
220. Oh, I won't.Copy !req
221. Now, if only the meal would
cook itself, huh?Copy !req
222. Parents of QuahogCopy !req
223. and weekend dads
playing three minutes of catch,Copy !req
224. do you know that
the number of childhood vaccinesCopy !req
225. has tripled
in the last generation?Copy !req
226. And why is that?Copy !req
227. Because heartless corporations
make billions of dollarsCopy !req
228. by foisting garbage
and poison upon our children.Copy !req
229. We demand that these vaccinesCopy !req
230. be tested by
independent researchers,Copy !req
231. not by the companies
who make them.Copy !req
232. Excuse me, are you the lady
selling the bullhorn?Copy !req
233. What? No.Copy !req
234. I'm over here.Copy !req
235. Damn it.Copy !req
236. This doesn't
seem to be working.Copy !req
237. Well, obviously, Lois.Copy !req
238. You can't just go to a parkCopy !req
239. and list a bunch
of boring facts.Copy !req
240. You got to spice things up.Copy !req
241. Like I did when
I was a lounge singerCopy !req
242. with uneven lyric density.Copy !req
243. This is a song I wrote
for my beautiful girlfriend.Copy !req
244. Her name is...Copy !req
245. Two, three, four,Copy !req
246. five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.Copy !req
247. Thank you!Copy !req
248. Yeah, that's enough of that.Copy !req
249. What the hell?Copy !req
250. Peter, is that you
on TV right now?Copy !req
251. Oh, yeah, that's my
anti-vaccination PSA.Copy !req
252. Hi, I'm a medical guy,Copy !req
253. and I'm here to give you
the facts about vaccs.Copy !req
254. vaccinations cause autism,Copy !req
255. paralysis, and even...Copy !req
256. death, death, death, death,
death, death, death,Copy !req
257. death, death, death.Copy !req
258. "vaccinate"
rhymes with "masturbate."Copy !req
259. Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?Copy !req
260. I still think Michelle
Williams is Carey Mulligan.Copy !req
261. Fact!Copy !req
262. Medical delivery
for badass karate doctor.Copy !req
263. Ah, yes, those must be
the bones and skulls.Copy !req
264. I see no boob bones;
the victim was a man.Copy !req
265. Wow.Copy !req
266. Say "no" to vaccines.Copy !req
267. Paid for with Meg's
college fund.Copy !req
268. What the hell is all this?Copy !req
269. I'm trying to protect myself
from all those diseasesCopy !req
270. I'm not vaccinated against.Copy !req
271. Speaking of which, do
you have any idea the germsCopy !req
272. you routinely
track into this house?Copy !req
273. From now on I'm going to
ask that you wear these shoesCopy !req
274. while indoors.Copy !req
275. Where'd you get those?Copy !req
276. Put 'em on and lick your lips!Copy !req
277. Stewie, you might be
taking this too far.Copy !req
278. Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.Copy !req
279. For instance, I've already
Saran-Wrapped Chris.Copy !req
280. I'm a gas station sandwich!Copy !req
281. We interrupt this program
with breaking news.Copy !req
282. Childhood vaccination rates
in Quahog have droppedCopy !req
283. to an all-time low, fueled
by a recent media campaignCopy !req
284. led by local meddler
Peter Griffin,Copy !req
285. shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas' bicycle.Copy !req
286. That can't be real, right?Copy !req
287. Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.Copy !req
288. Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,Copy !req
289. nobody in this town is
vaccinating their kids anymore!Copy !req
290. Do you even realize
the harm you've caused?Copy !req
291. Harm?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
292. I'm making the world
a better place.Copy !req
293. Like when I was
the Instagram police.Copy !req
294. Sorry, lady, got to crop
the chotch.Copy !req
295. I... will take this.Copy !req
296. And cutaway complete.Copy !req
297. Man, there is a lot of bad art
in these hallways.Copy !req
298. All right, Stewie,
see you after school.Copy !req
299. Wait a minute, where
are all the other kids?Copy !req
300. Haven't you heard?Copy !req
301. There's been an
outbreak of measles.Copy !req
302. It's all because everyone
stopped vaccinating their kids.Copy !req
303. Oh, my God!Copy !req
304. And it's not just our school.Copy !req
305. Kids all over town
are getting sick.Copy !req
306. Attention! Attention!Copy !req
307. What the hell?Copy !req
308. People of Quahog,Copy !req
309. your town is under quarantine.Copy !req
310. Until further notice, no one
may enter or leave the city.Copy !req
311. Oh, that's the guy who bought
the bullhorn at the park.Copy !req
312. Oh, this is awful.Copy !req
313. It's all our fault!Copy !req
314. And look, Joe's arguing
with a state policemanCopy !req
315. over jurisdiction.Copy !req
316. Thanks, Swanson,
we'll take it from here.Copy !req
317. It's a state matter now.Copy !req
318. No way, this is my town.Copy !req
319. Thanks, guys, the feds
will take it from here.Copy !req
320. Oh, no, this is my state.Copy !req
321. Hi, I'm a crossing
guard who can walk,Copy !req
322. so I have jurisdiction
over all of you.Copy !req
323. Must be serious.Copy !req
324. They brought in the big guns.Copy !req
325. You happy now, Lois?Copy !req
326. Because of you,
there's a measles epidemic,Copy !req
327. and the whole town
is quarantined.Copy !req
328. Speak for yourself, Brian.Copy !req
329. I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.Copy !req
330. Who's up for another game
of hot-breath telephone?Copy !req
331. We're all gonna die!Copy !req
332. Chris, you're supposed to
whisper that to the next person.Copy !req
333. Peter, Brian's right!Copy !req
334. We were wrong about everything!Copy !req
335. We've got to get to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated!Copy !req
336. Eh, it might be a little
too late for that.Copy !req
337. I kind of destroyed
all the vaccines in town.Copy !req
338. All right, what else
did I have to do today?Copy !req
339. Ah, yes, overdose
in my apartment.Copy !req
340. I better get home.Copy !req
341. You destroyed all the vaccines?Copy !req
342. Yeah, but it's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.Copy !req
343. Is anyone else
feeling feverish, achy,Copy !req
344. and acutely sensitive to light?Copy !req
345. Oh, my God, Peter.Copy !req
346. Y-You've got measles!Copy !req
347. Now, hold on, hold on,
before we all freak out,Copy !req
348. it might just
be full-body herpes.Copy !req
349. Wait, you guys, Dad might
not have been vaccinated.Copy !req
350. Didn't Grandma say
he was born in Mexico?Copy !req
351. Nobody remembers that, Meg.Copy !req
352. We got to keep you away
from Stewie.Copy !req
353. You'll get him sick.Copy !req
354. Oh, my little guy's
gonna be fine.Copy !req
355. All he needs is a good,
old-fashioned gameCopy !req
356. of hot-breath telephone.Copy !req
357. Measles.Copy !req
358. I've got to get
out of this house,Copy !req
359. or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman!Copy !req
360. I've got your EKG here.Copy !req
361. How does it look?Copy !req
362. Well, it spells out "Pancakes."Copy !req
363. Oh, okay, so same as last time.Copy !req
364. I'm recommending you go on
a strict diet immediately.Copy !req
365. Nope.Copy !req
366. Horses that make it look
like I can walk,Copy !req
367. take me to Hollywood!Copy !req
368. All right,
I'm almost done packing.Copy !req
369. I've got it down to four bags
and a hatbox.Copy !req
370. I'm gonna need some help,
Rupert.Copy !req
371. Rupert?Copy !req
372. Ew, that's the tushie
thermometer.Copy !req
373. Dear God, you're burning up!Copy !req
374. I have to get out of here!Copy !req
375. I'm sorry, Rupert,Copy !req
376. but the situation here
has become unbearable.Copy !req
377. Like talking to someone
with adult braces.Copy !req
378. So, yeah, last weekend,
Sheila and I took the kidsCopy !req
379. up to the lake, it was great.Copy !req
380. We had great weather,
fired up the barbecue,Copy !req
381. Sheila's parents came up
towards the end of the week...Copy !req
382. When are you gonna
get those off?Copy !req
383. Meg, you must
carry on my legacy.Copy !req
384. Promise me you'll crop
the chotches.Copy !req
385. Crop them, Meg!Copy !req
386. Crop them all!Copy !req
387. Peter, Stewie's gone!Copy !req
388. I've looked everywhere!Copy !req
389. Oh, Lois, I feel
a little better.Copy !req
390. I think I could keep down
deviled eggs.Copy !req
391. Lois, what's wrong?Copy !req
392. I can't find Stewie.Copy !req
393. He must've gotten
out of the house.Copy !req
394. God knows how far he's gone.Copy !req
395. Well, look, there's
a Family Circus dotted path.Copy !req
396. It'll lead us right to him.Copy !req
397. Ah, it's just Billy.Copy !req
398. He died of measles.Copy !req
399. And here comes Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.Copy !req
400. Lucky.Copy !req
401. If I can just escape
this quarantineCopy !req
402. and make it to the next town,Copy !req
403. I'll be able to get
that vaccine I need.Copy !req
404. Stewie!
I'm you from the future!Copy !req
405. You've got to get the hell out
of town before you get sick!Copy !req
406. Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm doing.Copy !req
407. Okay, I'm really here
because I know you have glue.Copy !req
408. Give me the glue.Copy !req
409. Stewie, listen to me,Copy !req
410. never, ever do this
great thing I love.Copy !req
411. There's the bridge out of town!Copy !req
412. So we're all there at the Clam,Copy !req
413. just kind of
making music together,Copy !req
414. and then Peter,
of course, had to join inCopy !req
415. and clap his hands, and I said,
"Eh, that's enough of that."Copy !req
416. Yeah, I kind of run the group.Copy !req
417. I'll just have
to go around them.Copy !req
418. Good Lord.Copy !req
419. I hope my shoe doesn't fall
to make me realizeCopy !req
420. how far the drop is.Copy !req
421. Oh, my orthotic was in there.Copy !req
422. Stewie?Copy !req
423. Where are you?Copy !req
424. Lois, what's going on?Copy !req
425. That's one of
my sidekicks' wives.Copy !req
426. He says he's in charge
of the group, is that true?Copy !req
427. No, not in the slightest,
but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing.Copy !req
428. We can't find him anywhere.Copy !req
429. Lois, look!Copy !req
430. I don't know if he can
hold on much longer.Copy !req
431. We got to get him down.Copy !req
432. Stewie, hang on!Copy !req
433. Mommy's coming!Copy !req
434. Oh, no, upside-down train!Copy !req
435. Stewie!
Oh, no!Copy !req
436. Sean Penn?Copy !req
437. That's right, two-time
Oscar winner Sean Penn.Copy !req
438. What are you doing here?Copy !req
439. I'm bringing vaccines
into your quarantined town.Copy !req
440. Any time there's a public health
crisis in a third-world land,Copy !req
441. I'm there.Copy !req
442. Third world?
This is Rhode Island.Copy !req
443. Oh, really?Copy !req
444. Have you seen some
of the delis on Federal Hill?Copy !req
445. Oh-ho-ho! Rhode Island slam!Copy !req
446. Ho-ho! I like you, Sean Penn.Copy !req
447. Oh, my God, you saved my baby!Copy !req
448. Thank you so mu— Oh.Copy !req
449. Sean Penn.Copy !req
450. Y-You're the one who played
that homosexual.
Yeah.Copy !req
451. All right, well,
I'll take my son now.Copy !req
452. I've brought enough vaccines
for your whole town.Copy !req
453. I hope you've realized
that vaccinations are notCopy !req
454. a freedom of choice issue,
they're a public health issue.Copy !req
455. Thanks to them, countless
serious diseases, mumps, polio,Copy !req
456. smallpox, and rubella,
have been all but eradicated.Copy !req
457. Like clean water and
functional schools,Copy !req
458. vaccinations are a human right.Copy !req
459. Great, just what I needed, a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.Copy !req
460. This whole thing has been a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.Copy !req
461. Well, it's a relief that
everyone's been vaccinatedCopy !req
462. and the quarantine
has been lifted.Copy !req
463. Well, I'm just happy
that Stewie is healthy,Copy !req
464. and only 150 people died, but
not anyone we knew personally.Copy !req
465. Yeah, I know I sure
learned something.Copy !req
466. Hey, do you like apples?Copy !req
467. Yeah.Copy !req
468. Well, I got her number.Copy !req
469. How do you like them apples?Copy !req
470. Oh, Bat Damon!Copy !req
471. You got the best of me again!Copy !req
472. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req