Family Guy 15x3

Directed by Mike Kim

Kelen Coleman as Woman #3 / Hooker #2 (voice) • André Sogliuzzo as (voice) • Wally Wingert as Y2K Crown (voice) • Nicole Sullivan as Mega Hardware Customer (voice) • Heléne Yorke as Bachelorette Party Attendant (voice)

After the local airline pilots go on strike, Quagmire looks for new work and becomes a gigolo. When his clients begin to avoid paying for his services, he asks Peter for help getting his money. Meanwhile, Brian is kicked off Peter’s health insurance, so he gets a job at a hardware store, until Stewie gets him fired and things get medical.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

2. Coming up, why one hello a day

3. to the receptionist at work is the magic number.

4. But first: pilot strike at Quahog Airport.

5. Picketing began on Thursday— weird day to start a strike—

6. and both sides appear to be at an impasse.

7. So Ground Control is telling Major Tom

8. this could be a long one.

9. (chuckles) Does anyone else like David "Booey"?

10. Hey, what the hell is up with this letter?

11. It says I'm no longer covered on your health insurance.

12. Oh, yeah. They don't cover dogs no more.

13. You could do COBRA for $7,300 a month, though.

14. Would that be something you'd be interested in?

15. I need that health insurance. You know I have a hernia.

16. What if I need surgery?

17. Well, if you need insurance that bad,

18. maybe it's time for you to go out

19. and get a job of your own.

20. This sucks.

21. How did you get a hernia?

22. Actually, I got it performing

23. an incredible act of heroism.

24. Oh, my God!

25. Somebody help me! I'm sinking!

26. Hurry! I can't hold it!

27. Okay, let me just unstrap my baby.

28. Oh! Oh! Oh! Slipping, slipping. Sorry.

29. What do we want?

30. Fair wages!

31. When do we want it?

32. Originally now, but it's been delayed until 9:40

33. due to weather in Philly!

34. (sighs) This is a mess.

35. It's working about as well as that animal sobriety checkpoint.

36. Excuse me, sir.

37. Is that a baggie of catnip on your seat?

38. I have a card for that.

39. What else you got in here?

40. Open container of cat food.

41. Feather on a string.

42. Is that a dead mouse?

43. Get him off me!

44. Somebody get him off me!

45. Think catnip's a joke?

46. Think again.

47. Vote yes on increased animal sobriety checkpoints.

48. Paid for by dogs.

49. Ah, bachelorette party.

50. Can I fit this in?

51. Okay, cool. I got time.

52. Hello, ladies.

53. Wow, here comes the bride, huh?

54. More than once, if I have anything to do with it.

55. Finally, the stripper's here!

56. What? No, I'm not a stripper. I'm a pilot.

57. See? This is a real uniform.

58. Ooh. Take something else off, sexy.

59. (excited chatter) Oh, yeah!

60. (laughs): All right!

61. Oh, yeah?

62. You want a little more, huh?

63. Yeah! All right.

64. Who wants me to stow my bag under their seat?

65. Boy, and I thought the Federal Hill bakery had nice buns.

66. You're talented, Denise.

67. You should really go for it.

68. Wow.

69. What... a... day.

70. Please don't comment.

71. Oh, look at you.

72. Did you get a job? Bitch.

73. Did I get a job?

74. Um, this ain't a life vest, sista.

75. It's a work vest from a little place called Mega Hardware.

76. 'Cause that's basically what I am now.

77. Just an everyday, working-class Joe.

78. Well, good for you.

79. No. No, Brian.

80. This doesn't feel right today.

81. Yes.

82. There's a rat trap in that cabinet.

83. With a foot in it.

84. And somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

85. Well, I'm off to watch some Fox News

86. in front of the old boob tube.

87. Hey. No.

88. I wasn't sure. I'm sure.

89. Okay. Well, got to go.

90. Got to do some more picketing.

91. Seriously? It's, like, 9:00 at night.

92. Yeah, uh... well, it's, uh...

93. Cleveland's stealing shot glasses!

94. I don't like drinking NyQuil out of them little cups.

95. Where the hell's Quagmire going?

96. The airport's that way.

97. He doesn't know we're following him, Joe.

98. You don't have to duck down.

99. I'm not. You took a pretty hard right turn back there.

100. I've been like this for a while.

101. What's he doing?

102. This is one of them places

103. where women go to see male strippers.

104. Some bisexual men go as well.

105. I don't see him.

106. Ladies, this is your pilot speaking.

107. I am in the full, upright and locked position.

108. Oh, my.

109. Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?

110. Crap. Our disguises didn't work.

111. Quagmire, I didn't know you were a male stripper.

112. I wasn't. Not until the strike, anyway.

113. I've been out of work for three weeks.

114. I'm out of money. I-I had to do something.

115. God, I'm so embarrassed.

116. Why? Stripping is a very respectable profession.

117. If it weren't respectable,

118. why would real estate agents go to strip clubs for lunch?

119. He's right. This is tremendous.

120. Are you banging all these chicks?

121. Hey, hey! That is offensive.

122. I am a dancer, not a gigolo!

123. Captain Cockpit, my friend is about to get married,

124. and we were wondering if you'd have sex with her for $500.

125. I'm a gigolo.

126. Oh, hey, it's that guy.

127. Are you gonna say, "Who else but Quagmire?"

128. (clears throat) N... uh, no, I, uh, uh,

129. w-wanted to know if Quagmire

130. was available tomorrow evening?

131. Are... are you gay?

132. Uh, of course not. No.

133. Uh, but I'm unable to properly

134. have sex with my wife, so I figured, you know.

135. Eh, who else but Quagmire?

136. Hey, awesome cameo.

137. Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

138. Had to stop at the dry cleaner.

139. The dry cleaner?

140. Wow, somebody struck it rich.

141. You know, I got to tell you,

142. I was sweating that pilot strike,

143. but now that I'm a gigolo, I'm making money by the fistful.

144. Is that a giggity?

145. That is a giggity.

146. Hey, Quagmire, I couldn't help but notice

147. you got some dry cleaning hanging up

148. in the backseat of your car.

149. Did you win the lottery? No.

150. Well, I hope you're not actually doing that gigolo thing.

151. You know, prostitution is illegal.

152. Uh, uh, no, no, no. It's, uh, it's something else.

153. Uh, uh, Quagmire's, uh,

154. selling online Internet cyber stuff.

155. Wow. Good for you, Quagmire.

156. You and Gates, huh?

157. Uh, geez, I got to go home and change into my Tarzan costume.

158. Uh, uh... for... for... for the Web.

159. Huh. I got to get a computer.

160. Excuse me. How many BTUs does this grill have?

161. (chuckles): Oh, man. That puppy?

162. More than you need, less than I want.

163. E-Excuse me. Do you have a small grocery cart

164. I could put this boat-sized hunk of lumber in?

165. Probably out in the parking lot.

166. Can you tell me where I can find extension cords?

167. Aisle 25. I was just there.

168. 26. There is no 26.

169. 15.

170. So Goby gets up on the lift...

171. Don't mind me.

172. Just grabbing myself a cup of mud.

173. I like mine black.

174. Black as night.

175. Black as sin, know what I'm saying?

176. (chuckles) Haven't introduced myself.

177. Guys in my crew call me "The Ratchet."

178. Brian, it's not your break.

179. Get out there and help the customers.

180. Brian? (chuckles) Who are you, my father?

181. Ha! This guy.

182. Get out there! Yes, sir.

183. That guy's got no idea how hard I'm work—

184. Bird!

185. A bird got in! Awesome!

186. Hello.

187. Hey, Quagmire, what's going on?

188. Oh, you need a ride?

189. Yeah, sure. I can come get you.

190. I'm not doing anything.

191. Meg, that was the last guy,

192. so just lock up when you're done.

193. Thanks for the ride.

194. One of my tricks drove me here from the Clam,

195. and I didn't have any money for a cab.

196. Why not? Didn't she just pay you for sex?

197. No. After it was over, she said she wasn't gonna pay.

198. Well, that ain't fair.

199. You can't let these women take advantage of you like that.

200. What apartment is she in? I'll go talk to her.

201. She's in unit 17.

202. You know, if you're going back in anyway,

203. can you grab my belt?

204. It's reversible, so I'd hate to lose it.

205. Hey, you didn't pay my friend!

206. So I'm gonna play with your doorbell until you pay up.

207. Stop it!

208. I can do this all day. I love buttons.

209. Fine, here's your money!

210. Here you go.

211. Peter, this is amazing. Thank you.

212. Hey, you know what?

213. Here's a little something for your trouble.

214. You're giving me a cut?

215. Wow, thanks!

216. No problem. It's just too bad you're not here every time.

217. Well, I could be.

218. I mean, my days are pretty open,

219. and I don't sleep a lot at night 'cause of health stuff.

220. Huh. That'd be kind of nice, actually.

221. Hey, maybe you could drive me around and help me out,

222. and I could even pay you a little something for your time.

223. Sure, that sounds great. And you know what?

224. It'll be nice having a little extra cash

225. to bet on college football.

226. Yeah, I'd like to bet a hundred bucks.

227. You want to pick a team?

228. No, just take it.

229. I thought you had the day off.

230. Maybe from the store, but it's not like things

231. take a day off from needing repairs, am I right? (chuckles)

232. Oh, looks like this cabinet door is a good place to start.

233. Yup, she's off-kilter.

234. I'm gonna have to plane her down.

235. Lois, what year was this house built?

236. Uh, I don't know. Maybe 1945?

237. Good, it's grandfathered in. Thought I'd need a variance.

238. Don't want to get a code vi.

239. (chuckles) "Vi" is violation.

240. "Code" is just code.

241. I don't know, Brian, it looks straight to me.

242. What?

243. It's straight.

244. I-I don't know what that means.

245. "It's-it's straight"?

246. Oh, you mean plumb.

247. Y-You're saying the door is plumb.

248. Wow, Brian, you do know all the lingo.

249. Ah, come on, that's just stuff you pick up on the site.

250. I'm gonna go use a miter to jerry-rig a shim jamb

251. strap hinge quarter-round soffit

252. two-by-six dowel cherry-picker flim-flam.

253. You know, Rupert, Brian's douche-iness

254. should infuriate me, but the truth is he seems happy.

255. So I guess I'll just do nothing and that's that.

256. Can't do it. Let's get him fired.

257. Boy, I have a whole new respect for Hayden Panettiere.

258. (phone rings) Giggity.

259. I'm pulling up. You ready?

260. Oh, hey, Peter, listen, I can't work tonight.

261. I'm spent.

262. That last trick was like

263. trying to use an empty bottle of hand soap.

264. But you got to work. I set up five appointments.

265. That's a lot of money. Sorry, I can't do it.

266. You're just gonna have to cancel them.

267. What the hell did you say to me?

268. Peter, what are you doing?

269. You trippin', boy?

270. You're going out if I tell you you're going out, bitch!

271. Okay.

272. What... what's in your pimp cup?

273. Uh, it's actually a wheatgrass, ginger mixture.

274. I was in the middle of a cleanse.

275. I didn't know we'd be doing this pimp thing,

276. but I made a promise to my body.

277. (sighs): Ah.

278. Not great.

279. Peter, what you doing all dressed up for church?

280. This ain't Easter.

281. No, Cleveland, these are my work clothes.

282. You hosting Family Feud?

283. No, I'm a pimp.

284. Um, Big Pete, if we're gonna be sitting,

285. may I use my penis donut?

286. Bitch, I don't care.

287. Dang, Quagmire, you're lucky.

288. He take care of you.

289. Yeah, no, no, it's great.

290. Um, I'm making a lot of money.

291. I'm actually really happy.

292. I'm actually very hungry.

293. Nobody's gonna want you if you're fat!

294. You want to eat?

295. Get up to that bar and earn your keep.

296. W-What should I ask for, $500?

297. You're not worth that much. You're trash!

298. Ask for two.

299. You know I hit you and whore you out

300. because I love you, right?

301. Hi, there. You want to party?

302. And can I have some of your bread?

303. Hi, handsome.

304. You can't have my bread, but you can have

305. something of mine that smells like bread.

306. Okay, let's go.

307. Just so you know, it takes me a long time.

308. All right, Rupert, if we're going to teach Brian a lesson,

309. we're going to need some muscle.

310. You, you and you, 20 bucks for the day.

311. Hop in the back.

312. No!

313. Asiento trasero Trasero!

314. Forget it, just get in.

315. Anyone who doesn't enjoy the music of Josh Groban

316. can get out of the (bleep) car.

317. Okay, if you had a friend who worked at Mega Hardware,

318. how would you get him fired?

319. You ask him for papers?

320. Okay, good.

321. Uh, that, unfortunately, won't work in this instance.

322. But I like your effort, Luis.

323. Uh, any other ideas?

324. You could kill a guy.

325. You know what, Carlos, you stay quiet for a while.

326. I really only need two of you.

327. You'll still be paid.

328. You ask for papers?

329. Okay, is there any idea out there besides killing a guy

330. or getting someone deported?

331. We do good job, we live with you?

332. Well, you just offered to kill a guy,

333. so you're not exactly number one on my roommate list.

334. Now, let's go. I paid good money for you, I need answers!

335. I want your best, and I won't stand for

336. even one more stupid idea!

337. You shake up boss's soda and give to him.

338. When he open it, it explode!

339. This is why I pushed you.

340. Huh. I guess that Brian Griffin is a good egg after all.

341. Griffin, you're fired!

342. I never liked prostitutes

343. because they sell their bodies to all types of men.

344. I turned my first trick

345. when I had my first one-night stand.

346. I had sex for dinner and drinks.

347. Being a prostitute is no fun.

348. You have to work nights, weekends.

349. I hear on SNL the women are funnier than the guys now,

350. but I don't know, I'll never see it.

351. We meet Quagmire,

352. a small-town boy with big-city dreams

353. who has fallen deep into the game of prostitution

354. at the Point.

355. You know, some people ask me,

356. "Would you want your son to be a hooker?"

357. My answer is always, "Hey, lady, are we talking,

358. or am I beefing ya?"

359. I kind of want to see Guardians of the Galaxy,

360. but I also kind of feel like there might be scary parts.

361. Hey, honey, you shopping for groceries?

362. You know what that means?

363. "Shopping for groceries" is what I say instead of,

364. "Do you want to pay me for sex?"

365. so I can't get arrested.

366. Stewie, did you hire three Mexican guys

367. to shake a soda can and give it to my boss?

368. What?

369. One's Guatemalan.

370. Damn it, Stewie, you got me fired!

371. Oh, who are you kidding? You got yourself fired.

372. Parading around there,

373. pretending you know the first thing about tools.

374. You know what?

375. You're going down there with me right now

376. to tell them what you did.

377. Get your hands off me!

378. I'll go floppy dead weight on you!

379. Ah, crap! My stomach!

380. I think my hernia ruptured!

381. Oh, my God!

382. Damn it, it's bad. It's bad!

383. I'll get Lois. She can take you to the hospital.

384. No, she can't.

385. Thanks to you, I don't have insurance anymore.

386. What are we gonna do?

387. I'll get the gun!

388. No, Stewie, you have to fix me.

389. What? I'm not a doctor!

390. Just look it up on your phone or something!

391. Ugh, hold on. I've got to update iOS.

392. Stewie!

393. Okay, okay, got it.

394. It says I have to make an incision,

395. retract the hernia sac,

396. and then suture the abdominal lining.

397. How am I supposed to do that?

398. Grab my tool belt.

399. Use the self-sharpening linoleum blade.

400. And then hold the incision open with a vise grip,

401. and use the slip-joint pliers to get the muscle back in position.

402. Okay, okay.

403. Now it's saying I have to suture it.

404. I've got some monofilament line you can use.

405. It's from aisle eight, above the chains and cables.

406. "Monofilament line," "slip-joint pliers."

407. I've got to say, Brian, it seems like you really did

408. learn something on that job.

409. You're right. I guess I did.

410. But please stitch me up.

411. Just be careful and take your time.

412. This is the delicate part, because...

413. Yeah, I'm gonna just use the staple gun.

414. Ah! Damn it! Ah!

415. You know what? That was really easy.

416. That guy who killed Joan Rivers must be terrible at this.

417. Hey, there— oh. What are you doing here?

418. Quagmire?

419. Uh, oh... uh, uh...

420. I have a hobby that takes me this way.

421. Hey, I'm freezing. You got a blanket in there or something?

422. I got a towel, but it's wet because I'm eating peaches.

423. I lied about the hobby.

424. I was sinning.

425. I'm going to drive away backwards now.

426. Hey, baby, you want to party?

427. Get in.

428. You guys having a good night?

429. I like that it's getting dark earlier.

430. What are you guys gonna be for Halloween?

431. Big Pete, help!

432. She wants to do German things!

433. German things!

434. What? No! He hasn't eaten anything in days!

435. It's not gonna work!

436. Nein! Nein!

437. Ah! She's got us both!

438. Help us, pimps and hos!

439. Help us, HBO camera crew!

440. God, Quagmire, most of that was horrible.

441. I know.

442. Eventually, I might want to try it again.

443. Hey, listen, buddy.

444. I'm sorry about all this.

445. I guess I just got caught up in the money

446. and-and assumed you were okay with it

447. because of the sex.

448. I don't know, Peter. I think you're just mad

449. I didn't come to see your Pretenders cover band.

450. Yes, well, that may be.

451. Speaking of which, the Pretend Pretenders

452. are playing again this weekend.

453. Uh, much like the real band,

454. we have been described as "meh."

455. Still, I'm really sorry.

456. Can you find it in yourself to forgive me,

457. and maybe we can just go back to being friends?

458. I'd like that.

459. Hopefully, the pilot strike will end soon

460. and I can get my old job back.

461. Oh, the strike ended a month ago.

462. What? Why didn't you tell me?

463. I did.

464. Are you still GlennQ10@aol.com?

465. No.

466. Ah, well. There you go.

467. Well, I'm glad Quagmire's back to work for the airline

468. and that whole gigolo and pimping thing is over.

469. You knew about that?

470. You know what? You were sticking to your cleanse,

471. so I didn't really care.

472. I got to hand it to you, Brian, you were a better

473. blue-collar guy than I expected.

474. You finally earned this nice, cold beer.

475. Thanks, Stewie.

476. Ha! Nice work, Pedro!

477. Let us know if you want us to kill a guy.

478. Okay.

479. It could be anyone. Got it.

480. You have no idea how hard they tried to pierce my ears.

481. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH