Family Guy 14x9

Directed by Brian Iles

Cary Elwes as Cyrano de Bergerac (voice) • Rolando Molina as Cellmate (voice) • Gary Cole as NCIS Fan (voice) • Kevin Michael Richardson as Cleveland Brown, Jr. (voice) • Sanaa Lathan as Donna Tubbs (voice)

When Peter’s couch is stolen from his front lawn, the guys form a neighborhood watch group. While on duty, Peter sees someone trying to climb into Cleveland’s house and he shoots him. Peter is then arrested and charged with a hate crime. Meanwhile, Cleveland is touched when Peter finally admits to the accident, so he takes the fall for the crime and Peter is exonerated.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, great idea bringing

2. the couch out here

3. from your den, Peter.

4. Yeah, Lois and I

5. dragged it out here last night

6. for a little hump sesh,

7. so I figured I'd let it dry.

8. "Couch." That's

9. one of those words

10. that if you say it

11. over and over

12. it starts to sound silly.

13. Joe, you need to take

14. a class on small talk.

15. You're not gonna believe

16. this— I'm in one.

17. It sure is cloudy today.

18. Good. You could have

19. also responded to Janet,

20. who said her son died.

21. I'm sorry your son died

22. on such a cloudy day.

23. All right, kids,

24. here's your bacon.

25. I call the

26. paper towel!

27. Aw, damn it!

28. Ha-ha! You got to move fast

29. when Meg's at the table, Brian.

30. All right, well, I get the box

31. when we have pizza for dinner.

32. Uh-uh. It

33. doesn't work that way.

34. You got to call it

35. when it's happening.

36. Good morning, family.

37. I'll be out front

38. with the guys

39. if anybody needs me.

40. Peter, I thought

41. we were gonna try

42. to get the garden going

43. again today.

44. I know, sweetie, but then

45. I realized how stupid that is.

46. Okay, bye. You guys

47. are my everything.

48. Why'd you ever marry him?

49. Believe it or not, he used to

50. look like a young Gene Hackman.

51. That's... that-that's

52. not even good.

53. It's gone!

54. What? What's gone?

55. Our drinking couch!

56. Somebody must've stole it!

57. You left a couch

58. out on the curb?

59. Well, somebody probably thought

60. it was trash and took it.

61. You said you were gonna bring

62. the couch right back in!

63. What were you thinking?

64. I'll tell you

65. what I was thinking.

66. I was thinking we lived

67. in a safe neighborhood.

68. But apparently,

69. I was wrong!

70. Wait, you're saying

71. you were wr-wr...

72. wr-wro...

73. wr-wrrr...

74. Oh, I get it—

75. the Fonz can't say "wrong."

76. No, Peter, he's 70—

77. he's having a stroke.

78. Wow, Peter, I think

79. starting a community watch

80. is a great idea.

81. Yeah, I even got shirts

82. made up for us.

83. This is quality work.

84. Where did you get these?

85. Via the Web?

86. Hey, listen, Joe, um,

87. you think you

88. can get us all guns?

89. No, Peter,

90. they're too dangerous.

91. Besides, you can't

92. just go get a gun,

93. you have to be certified

94. in gun safety,

95. go through an extensive

96. background screening process.

97. Got 'em.

98. Whoa. How'd you

99. get 'em so quick?

100. Eh, it was easy— like

101. pressing that "easy" button

102. at the office

103. supply store.

104. Hey, thanks

105. for all your help.

106. No problem.

107. Why don't you go ahead

108. and hit the "easy" button.

109. Okay.

110. What did I just do?

111. Don't worry about it.

112. Hey, Quagmire,

113. you're a sex guy.

114. You watch any good,

115. uh... pornos lately?

116. I mean...

117. I-I guess.

118. So what's your pleasure?

119. What kind of

120. movies you like?

121. I don't know.

122. MILF stuff's kind of cool.

123. What-what about you?

124. Me? I have very

125. particular tastes.

126. I like a soapy bottom.

127. What?

128. Soft-core

129. soaped-up butts,

130. like from a PG-13

131. camp movie.

132. I can't get enough of it.

133. Drives me wild.

134. Okay, let's talk

135. about something else.

136. All right. Uh...

137. it's kind of too cool

138. for the air-conditioner

139. and too warm for

140. the heater, huh?

141. Ah, got to walk

142. that boner off, huh?

143. Yeah.

144. Hey, guys, you

145. better come with me.

146. There's some weird, big-nose

147. guy hiding in the bushes

148. outside some

149. chick's house.

150. (whispering

151. inaudibly)

152. "My heart always

153. timidly hides itself

154. behind my mind."

155. "I set out

156. to bring down stars

157. from the sky..."

158. "Ow. Ow.

159. "Oh, my God,

160. four men are beating me.

161. "My arm.

162. I think it is broken.

163. "Who are you guys?

164. "Why? Why?

165. "I'll give you anything if

166. you would only stop hitting me.

167. "Please stop pulling my nose.

168. "It is not fake.

169. "I think I am dying.

170. Please take me to the hospital."

171. Your words have bewitched me.

172. I need your arms around me.

173. Come to

174. my chamber at once.

175. "Come to my chamber

176. at once."

177. And bring pound cake.

178. "And bring pound cake."

179. Peter, please

180. come to bed.

181. Enough of the

182. community watch.

183. We live on a very

184. safe street.

185. Lois, you wouldn't believe

186. the things we see out there.

187. There was a kid riding his bike

188. while holding a tennis racket.

189. For real.

190. Come on!

191. Let's fool around,

192. or watch a movie,

193. or finally click that

194. "Crackle" icon on the TV.

195. Lois, I am

196. an unelected vigilante,

197. and I take my job

198. very seriously.

199. Like Serious George.

200. Hey, George, want

201. to go to the park?

202. Uh, thank you, but no.

203. It's a beautiful day—

204. lots of mischief to get into.

205. I don't doubt that,

206. but as you can see,

207. I'm pretty busy.

208. I'm trying to get

209. a head start on my taxes.

210. Oh, I see— trying

211. to figure out a way

212. to deduct bananas?

213. Ah. 'Cause I eat

214. bananas. Terrific.

215. Hey, your inside,

216. so don't wear a hat.

217. Unless you're leaving,

218. which would be terrific also.

219. What the hell? Hey, you!

220. Step away from that table.

221. Brain fart. Window. Sorry.

222. Hold it right there!

223. I'm warning you!

224. Hands where I could see 'em.

225. Cleveland Jr.?

226. Mr. Griffin! You shot me!

227. Oh, my God!

228. Peter, where are you?

229. Peter? Okay, I'm starting

230. The Good Wife without you.

231. Phew! Heh.

232. Unlike you,

233. I just dodged a bullet.

234. Okay, next is the...

235. brown family.

236. Oh. Oh, my goodness.

237. I'm-I'm so sorry.

238. Sometimes I write

239. descriptions of my patients

240. to help me

241. remember them.

242. No, it's okay.

243. Our last name is Brown.

244. Oh, okay. Phew.

245. Ah, then this must be

246. "Chubster Dumb-Dumb."

247. I'm sorry, sir. No visitors.

248. Excuse me, I'll have you know

249. I'm the shooter!

250. So, uh, how's he doing?

251. "How's he doing"?

252. How do you think he's doing!

253. You shot my son!

254. Look, Cleveland,

255. I-I'm real sorry.

256. I thought someone was breaking

257. into your house, and I panicked.

258. It was dark. I-I...

259. I don't know why

260. he didn't just say

261. it was him.

262. I couldn't hear you.

263. I was listening to music,

264. I went to turn it down,

265. and the next thing I know.

266. you shot me!

267. Why the hell were you

268. climbing in the window

269. of your own house

270. anyway?

271. My dad says opening the door

272. lets out too much

273. air-conditioning.

274. I already have a bullet

275. in my son,

276. I don't need one

277. in my wallet.

278. You wouldn't have fired

279. that gun if he was white!

280. That's not true—

281. I'll shoot anybody.

282. Joe, give me

283. your gun.

284. Here you go...

285. Hey, wait a second!

286. Look, let's all just calm down.

287. Calm down?

288. I want this racist

289. out the room,

290. and I want him arrested!

291. Racist? I put these

292. gloves on for everybody.

293. Oh, oh, you're

294. talking to him.

295. Look, the police department has

296. deemed the shooting accidental.

297. Given the circumstances,

298. Peter was within his rights

299. to fire his weapon.

300. And what about my son's rights

301. not to be shot?

302. Look, Cleveland...

303. Lat... Latisha?

304. I thought he had a gun.

305. I'd never want to do anything

306. to hurt you or your family.

307. You're my friend.

308. I was your friend.

309. Now, get out of here!

310. You're nothing but

311. a worthless bigot!

312. Wow, I really messed up.

313. I haven't felt this bad since

314. I drove by that speed sign.

315. Aw...

316. Hey, does anybody know

317. if Cleveland's coming by?

318. I was hoping to apologize

319. and collect his deposit

320. for the community

321. watch shirts.

322. I talked to him earlier.

323. He, uh, he doesn't want

324. to be anywhere near you.

325. Hey, look— they're talking

326. about the shooting.

327. Good evening.

328. Two nights ago

329. there was a shooting right here

330. in our own backyard.

331. The victim: a 14-year-old boy

332. named Cleveland Brown Jr.

333. Joining me tonight is

334. his father, Cleveland Brown.

335. So that's not really Quahog?

336. It's just a big picture?

337. Now, Mr. Brown, I understand

338. you're trying to get the police

339. to reopen the investigation.

340. That's right, Tom.

341. My family and I believe

342. this shooting was a hate crime,

343. and we'd like to see Mr. Griffin

344. held accountable

345. for his actions.

346. Hate crime? That's crazy!

347. I love all people!

348. I love blacks, I love Asians...

349. hell, I even love

350. gay Aborigines.

351. Wow, this is

352. just great, Peter.

353. Everyone in town

354. hates us now.

355. The cashier at the grocery store

356. told her to "push on,"

357. and then

358. she snapped her fingers,

359. and now I think she's my new

360. favorite lady in the world.

361. I don't understand.

362. I'm not a racist.

363. It's well documented

364. that my dream three-way

365. is S. Epatha Merkerson

366. and CCH Pounder.

367. S., this is CCH.

368. CCH, this is S.

369. It is my intention

370. that we conduct this

371. with both sexiness

372. and dignity.

373. Peter, this is a

374. hot-button issue.

375. I mean, you shot an

376. African-American kid.

377. Of course this isn't

378. just gonna go away.

379. Well, there's got to be

380. something I can do

381. to make things right.

382. I'll just have

383. to prove to everybody

384. that I'm not a racist.

385. How are you

386. gonna do that?

387. Well, for starters,

388. I'm gonna head over

389. to the YMCA.

390. There's nothing

391. black guys like more

392. than out-of-shape

393. indoor-basketball white guys.

394. Hey! I'm trying

395. my best here.

396. And trying is

397. what matters most of all.

398. You're right, Peter.

399. We need to give

400. you a chance,

401. no matter what

402. color your skin is.

403. Come on, let's

404. play some ball.

405. "... and then Peter and his

406. new friends went for ice cream."

407. The end.

408. Okay, kids, are your parents

409. out of the room?

410. Good. Let's get back

411. to Sloppy Floppers magazine.

412. What are you doing?

413. Lois, to show I'm in touch

414. with what it's like

415. to be African-American,

416. I am gonna go to the middle

417. of the town square, get naked

418. and paint myself brown.

419. No, no, that's

420. offensive.

421. You can't pretend

422. to be black.

423. That's a stupid idea.

424. What?

425. It's a stupid idea!

426. You're a stupid man!

427. A stupid, stupid man!

428. Ow, you're hurting me!

429. Stop it, stop it, Lois!

430. No! I'm so sick

431. of your crap.

432. Why do you always

433. do these stupid things?

434. And why do you always announce

435. them to me before you do them?

436. Are you trying

437. to get a rise out of me?

438. Are you happy now?

439. Is this what you want?

440. Oh, no,

441. it's not what I want!

442. It's not what I want.

443. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

444. It's never been this bad before.

445. What do we do?

446. What we always do.

447. I'm in charge of my head—

448. that much I know!

449. What the hell

450. are you doing on my property?

451. Look, it's time we

452. bury the hatchet.

453. So I brought a bottle

454. of your favorite booze.

455. Now let's just have a drink

456. and put this all behind us.

457. I don't want

458. nothing from you.

459. Well, hold on,

460. I got something else.

461. Cigars. We can smoke 'em

462. together, all happy,

463. like a bunch of douche bags

464. outside a wedding.

465. Peter, get out of here.

466. I'm never gonna forgive you

467. for what you did.

468. Aw, come on.

469. This'll change your mind.

470. Oh, my God!

471. Quick, do something!

472. It's not working.

473. Get rid of it!

474. Get your family

475. out of that house!

476. If they don't leave,

477. they'll die.

478. Round up your family

479. and get out

480. or you're all

481. gonna be sorry.

482. Get out, now!

483. See, kids, I told you

484. we'd make friends here.

485. I guess me getting transferred

486. by the Xerox Corporation

487. wasn't the worst thing

488. after all.

489. Oh, thank God, Joe.

490. Are you here to give me the

491. deposit for the shirts?

492. No, Peter, I'm here to place you

493. under arrest

494. for the attempted murder

495. of Cleveland Junior.

496. What are you talkin' about?

497. You know it was an accident.

498. Yeah, but let's just say,

499. public opinion has shifted.

500. And the boys upstairs said

501. they can no longer ignore it.

502. Who the hell are

503. the "boys upstairs?"

504. I have no idea.

505. There's no elevator.

506. But whoever they are,

507. they're pretty steamed

508. about this whole thing.

509. Peter, what-what's

510. going on?

511. They're taking me to jail!

512. Oh, my God!

513. Don't worry, Dad!

514. I'll send you a cake

515. with a file in it!

516. These are just the owner manuals

517. for all our kitchen appliances.

518. Well, guess I finally have time

519. to learn to reset the clock

520. on the coffee maker.

521. He never did.

522. You're-you're, uh...

523. you're not gonna

524. rape me, are you?

525. Of course I'm not

526. gonna rape you.

527. I'm gonna make you

528. fall in love with me.

529. Then... we'll

530. see what happens.

531. Oh, no.

532. It's already working.

533. Griffin, you have a visitor.

534. Carter? What are

535. you doing here?

536. Hello, Griffin.

537. I'd like to talk to you

538. about these charges

539. that have been

540. brought against you.

541. Why don't we go somewhere

542. a little more private?

543. I, uh, guess I'll see you

544. in a little bit?

545. It's gonna feel

546. like an eternity.

547. How is it that I'm only

548. just now meeting you?

549. Look, Carter, you

550. got to believe me.

551. I didn't shoot Cleveland

552. Junior because he was black!

553. Hey, you don't have

554. to tell me that.

555. But the media's out there

556. making you look like a monster,

557. all for exercising

558. your constitutional rights.

559. Grover's a monster.

560. But don't worry.

561. We're gonna get you out of this.

562. I'll be damned

563. if I'm gonna sit back

564. and let them do this

565. to one of my own.

566. What, you mean

567. your family?

568. Huh?

569. Oh, yeah, yeah, that.

570. Yeah, right.

571. Look, I'm gonna

572. bail you out of here,

573. set you up with my lawyer,

574. and get these charges dropped.

575. Well, how you gonna do that?

576. Don't worry.

577. I'll come up with a good story,

578. and they'll eat it up.

579. Not like when I read

580. my JAG fan fiction

581. at the NCIS convention.

582. "JAG stood up and yelled,

583. "'Objection, Your Honor,

584. by Navy law.'

585. "He then turned

586. to the lady lawyer,

587. "the gal from the October Maxim,

588. "who still managed to be hot

589. "despite her sexless,

590. pageboy haircut.

591. Or perhaps because of it."

592. Boo!

593. Terrible!

594. Right branch of the military,

595. wrong investigative arm!

596. And I was trying to

597. get back into my house,

598. and my neighbor,

599. Mr. Griffin, shot me.

600. He said

601. he felt threatened by me,

602. and that hurt even worse

603. than getting shot!

604. Aw!

605. Your Honor, permission

606. to hug the witness?

607. Granted.

608. Don't worry,

609. Mr. Griffin.

610. You're every bit

611. as sympathetic

612. as this chubby-cheeked

613. cocoa angel.

614. I haven't been listening.

615. What's goin' on?

616. I don't think it's

617. lost on any of us

618. that the laws are

619. written on white paper.

620. Yeah, white paper.

621. Check your jacket pocket.

622. "I don't think it's

623. lost on any of us

624. that the laws are

625. written on white paper."

626. Hey, look,

627. I'm just saying,

628. it's no surprise that

629. justice isn't colorblind.

630. Check your other

631. jacket pocket.

632. "Hey, look, I'm just saying

633. it's no surprise that

634. justice isn't colorblind."

635. Stewie, you're a jerk!

636. Check Chris' pocket.

637. What? There's nothing

638. in here, and...

639. Oh, God, the bottom of the

640. pocket's been cut out!

641. Thanks, Brian!

642. I was the mastermind

643. behind this whole thing!

644. Your witness.

645. All right, watch this.

646. This is where we take control

647. of the situation.

648. Mr. Brown, you testified

649. that you were listening to music

650. at the time of the shooting.

651. That's right.

652. And isn't Jay-Z music?

653. Yes.

654. And doesn't he have the lyrics,

655. "I put the gun to you.

656. "I'll kill ya, I'll chop ya up,

657. put ya inside the mattress

658. like drug money"?

659. I was listening

660. to Neil Sedaka's Hanukkah album.

661. And isn't true

662. that your last name

663. is the same

664. as Chris Brown's?

665. Yes, but I don't see what—

666. And what did Chris Brown

667. do to Rihanna?

668. He hit her, like,

669. a hundred times.

670. Your Honor, I'd like

671. to enter into evidence

672. this photo of a

673. badly beaten Rihanna

674. as well as this print ad

675. for the Entourage movie.

676. Why?

677. I can't unsee this!

678. Who is this for?

679. What's he doing?

680. He's making Cleveland Jr.

681. look like a thug.

682. I know.

683. That's the idea.

684. You don't want to go

685. back to jail, do you?

686. I don't know.

687. Maybe.

688. Mr. Brown, please

689. pick up this knife.

690. Aah!

691. He's got a knife!

692. This isn't fair!

693. They're making my son

694. look like a common hoodlum!

695. Joe, you're a cop!

696. Do something!

697. No, the soap

698. covers everything.

699. You might see, like, the

700. very top of the crack,

701. but that's-that's

702. not what it's about.

703. How do you sleep

704. at night?

705. Propped up on pillows,

706. on account of my fat throat.

707. If I lay flat on

708. my back, I die.

709. I need pillows

710. between my thighs myself.

711. And this friendship

712. is over!

713. Thanks for letting me

714. sit in the back.

715. I was flipping people

716. off the whole way.

717. Get out of here,

718. all of you!

719. My son didn't do

720. anything wrong!

721. Carter, I think this has

722. all kind of gone too far.

723. What do you think

724. you're doing?

725. I'm gonna make this right.

726. Everyone!

727. Everyone!

728. Listen, I have

729. something to say.

730. Cleveland Jr. doesn't

731. deserve any of this.

732. All those things you heard

733. about Cleveland Jr. were lies.

734. He didn't do anything to me.

735. He's a good kid,

736. from a good family.

737. I just got scared,

738. and I did something stupid.

739. I swear, it had nothing to do

740. with the color of his skin,

741. but... I did shoot him.

742. I deserve to be held

743. responsible for my actions.

744. Even if that means

745. going to jail.

746. You heard him,

747. other cops.

748. Let's take him in.

749. He doesn't know

750. our names, does he?

751. I don't think he does.

752. Wait a minute.

753. Peter didn't shoot my son.

754. I did.

755. Peter was just taking

756. the blame for me.

757. He's a good friend.

758. Eh, Mr. Brown,

759. what exactly are you saying?

760. I'm saying that I,

761. Cleveland Brown,

762. a black man,

763. shot Cleveland Brown, Jr.,

764. another black man.

765. Wait, wh-where

766. did everybody go?

767. You want to make

768. the media go away?

769. Just mention

770. black-on-black crime.

771. Boy, the world

772. we live in, huh?

773. Brian, reach into

774. Meg's pocket.

775. Go ahead, Brian.

776. I-I-I don't want to.

777. Cleveland,

778. why did you do that?

779. Peter, since this is about

780. racism, why don't we take

781. a slow, hands-clasped-behind-

782. the-back walk together?

783. Listen, I know you wouldn't

784. have shot Cleveland Jr.

785. on account of his race.

786. You shot him because

787. you're stupid.

788. That's all

789. I'm trying to say!

790. And I know you don't

791. have hate in your heart.

792. You were willing to go to jail

793. for shooting my son.

794. You took responsibility.

795. That's what's important.

796. So... you forgive me?

797. Of course I do.

798. Oh, thanks, Cleveland.

799. Hey, how you

800. feeling there, champ?

801. I'm good.

802. Getting better

803. every day.

804. Aw, I'm happy

805. to hear that.

806. Look, I-I hope

807. you know I'm sorry.

808. Hey, these things happen.

809. That's my boy.

810. Mr. Griffin?

811. Yeah?

812. Just so you know,

813. I'm gonna be coming

814. for your ass.

815. Wh-What's that now?

816. I'm saying it's on!

817. You ever feel the cool steel

818. of a switchblade

819. pressed against your temple?

820. Hey, Mr. Griffin,

821. I'm just kidding.

822. Or am I?

823. You're gonna wonder about that,

824. you fat bitch.

825. See you later!

826. Captioned by

827. Media Access Group at WGBH