Family Guy 14x8

1. that all you see

2. and sex on TV

3. good old-fashioned values

4. positively can do

5. that make us

6. It's that time

7. of year again.

8. Are you a New England dirtbag

9. who wants to run with bulls,

10. but thinks Spain is gay?

11. Then don't miss

12. the Seriously Wicked Bull Run

13. in South Attleboro, Mass!

14. You and your friends can run

15. from a bunch of live bulls,

16. and lots of times,

17. there's a chick

18. whose boob comes out.

19. Order your tickets

20. before it's too late!

21. Toilets limited.

22. Wow, that seems

23. pretty cool.

24. Ugh, I don't know.

25. Seems pretty lame to me.

26. Yeah, waste of time.

27. I agree.

28. Hey, Joe, isn't this

29. your round?

30. Sure. I'll wheel over

31. to the bar and bring back

32. your beers

33. one by one

34. in my lap.

35. You guys, we are so

36. doing that bull run.

37. Buying the tickets

38. as we speak!

39. But we can't

40. tell Joe.

41. Of course not,

42. he'll be dead weight.

43. You can't do a bull run

44. with a guy in a wheelchair.

45. Yeah, this is

46. for athletes.

47. Just the regular

48. wash, please.

49. And I'm supposed to

50. mention that I saw you

51. on LivingSocial?

52. Was that worth it?

53. Was that worth

54. the $1 you saved?

55. I'm sorry, we're not doing

56. that promotion anymore.

57. Oh,

58. all the humiliation,

59. none of the reward.

60. You know, some people

61. are okay with

62. the drive-through car wash.

63. Me, I'm a fan

64. of the hand job.

65. Hi, I'm Brian.

66. Yes, I like to have

67. fun with language.

68. You're so funny.

69. I'm Tori.

70. I got hit by

71. a car in high school,

72. so I don't have to work.

73. Cool. Hey, so what's

74. your afternoon like?

75. I don't have plans.

76. Maybe we could grab lunch

77. and then see what happens.

78. Ugh. This will not end well.

79. Like eating an artichoke.

80. Good Lord!

81. I ate nothing,

82. and I'm soaking

83. wet for some reason.

84. So, you guys

85. all pumped to run

86. with the bulls?

87. You bet, this is

88. gonna be my first exercise

89. since I chased that balloon.

90. Hey, what's going on?

91. Hey, Joe.

92. We are competing

93. in the international

94. Chef Boyardee

95. look-alike contest.

96. Oh. Well, where's

97. your chef hat?

98. You guys are

99. gonna lose.

100. Especially Cleveland.

101. He's in the Cream

102. of Wheat competition,

103. which is down the street.

104. We gotta go now.

105. We're very late.

106. Well, this is

107. funny, because...

108. Guess where I'm going.

109. And I got the hat.

110. You guys are dead!

111. Look, Joe.

112. We didn't wanna

113. tell you,

114. but we're going

115. to the Seriously

116. Wicked Bull Run.

117. We didn't invite you

118. because we didn't think

119. you could keep up.

120. Yeah, we thought

121. it seemed too

122. dangerous for, uh,

123. incapacitated, half-man,

124. shrivel-legged gimps.

125. And we didn't wanna

126. hurt your feelings.

127. Come on, my handicap

128. has never held me back.

129. I'm coming with you guys.

130. Joe, you peed in your bag

131. while you said that.

132. Can you honestly say

133. that you didn't pee

134. just now while

135. you were talking?

136. Okay, you can come.

137. Wow. That was amazing.

138. Hey, just to be clear,

139. I don't really think

140. you're a whore.

141. I just need to say that,

142. you know, to finish.

143. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

144. of course.

145. And obviously,

146. I don't think

147. you're my Uncle Dale.

148. Good, good, same page.

149. Oh, crap,

150. my husband's

151. home early.

152. Wait a minute,

153. you're married?

154. And he's here? Now?

155. Yeah, that's him.

156. You've gotta

157. get out of here.

158. He's really jealous.

159. I think he's bitter

160. because he never got

161. the credit he deserved

162. for killing

163. Osama bin Laden.

164. Your husband's

165. a Navy SEAL?

166. What the hell

167. is going on here?

168. What is this?

169. You got a dog?

170. Uh, yeah!

171. I rescued him

172. from the pound.

173. Well, hey there, buddy.

174. Wow. His nose

175. is super wet.

176. He must be healthy.

177. Yup. And somebody's

178. been rooting

179. in a sardine can.

180. Well, I'm gonna

181. grab a shower.

182. Great, honey.

183. Oh, my God,

184. that was close.

185. Yeah, but

186. think about it.

187. As long as he thinks

188. you're our new pet,

189. we can keep

190. fooling around

191. behind his back.

192. Huh. You're right.

193. Oh, this could be

194. an even better scam

195. than that claw machine

196. at the arcade.

197. Damn it, this game

198. is so stupid!

199. It's impossible

200. to do anything with

201. a dumb, crappy claw!

202. Hey, that's mean,

203. and it's not even true!

204. I'm leaving!

205. Dang it!

206. You need

207. a little help?

208. No!

209. If you could

210. angle up the ring,

211. then I could

212. kind of hook it.

213. How do you drive?

214. Bad!

215. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

216. We clearly

217. overdressed.

218. They have the type

219. of fat white woman here

220. that not even I am

221. interested in.

222. Ladies,

223. gentlemen, and alternative

224. high school graduates,

225. get ready to run

226. for your lives!

227. Ah! I shouldn't have

228. worn high heels!

229. Oh, stop it!

230. You look great.

231. Oh, well, I didn't want

232. all this attention.

233. Cleveland,

234. why do you let them

235. talk you into these things?

236. This is how

237. people-pleasers die!

238. Hey, guys, after this,

239. let's beat alligators

240. with sticks or something.

241. You read my mind!

242. We just talked

243. about this!

244. Whoo! This is amazing!

245. I told you guys

246. I could do it!

247. Look out,

248. Joe!

249. Joe, oh, my God!

250. You all right?

251. I can't feel anything

252. below my neck!

253. I can't move

254. a muscle, guys!

255. Oh, my God!

256. Joe's completely

257. paralyzed!

258. Oh, that's me.

259. That's unfortunate.

260. That's Lois,

261. hold on.

262. Hey, babe.

263. Uh, good.

264. Little hiccup, but fun.

265. You guys!

266. I've been trying

267. to keep my birthday

268. a secret.

269. No, Dr. Hartman,

270. we're not here

271. for your birthday.

272. We're here for Joe.

273. Don't sugarcoat it, Doc.

274. Just give it to me straight.

275. Well, Mr. Swanson,

276. I did an exploratory

277. procedure,

278. which revealed

279. extensive damage.

280. Please, just tell me,

281. am I completely paralyzed?

282. I'm afraid

283. of ghosts.

284. And yes.

285. Mr. Swanson has

286. lost all movement,

287. and will require

288. around-the-clock care.

289. Most of it disgusting.

290. Oh, my God,

291. Bonnie, I'm so sorry.

292. If there's anything

293. I can do...

294. There actually is.

295. Could you collect

296. my mail forever?

297. I'm leaving Joe

298. and moving to Europe.

299. I didn't sign up

300. for this.

301. Bonnie, wait!

302. God, this is awful.

303. What am I gonna do?

304. Well, seems like

305. you folks have this

306. all taken care of.

307. Surprise!

308. DR.

309. Oh, you guys!

310. Hey, don't go in

311. that room back there.

312. It's, like, super sad.

313. Coming up, quintuplets born

314. at Quahog General.

315. What? That's...

316. Oh, that's supposed

317. to be "burn"? Oh!

318. Coming up, quintuplets burn

319. at Quahog General.

320. Hey, honey,

321. get in here.

322. Check this out,

323. the way he's sitting.

324. It looks like

325. the dog's watching

326. the news.

327. You like watching

328. the news,

329. you dumb dog?

330. Well, I'm off to do

331. what former Navy SEALs do,

332. sell lawnmowers.

333. Wow. He really

334. has no idea.

335. Hey, wanna take

336. a shower with me?

337. Sure.

338. Man, this is

339. a pretty sweet gig.

340. Like being

341. a member of Daft Punk.

342. Look at this

343. old Casio keyboard

344. from the 1980s

345. that I have found.

346. Watch what happens

347. when I push this

348. demo button.

349. Hello, Daft Punk?

350. Great song.

351. Here's a Grammy.

352. You know, is funny.

353. Until you spoke,

354. I did not know

355. we were French!

356. There you go, Joe.

357. All settled.

358. Now, which wall

359. would you like to look at

360. for the rest of your life?

361. I don't know,

362. maybe that one.

363. I have no idea what

364. you're pointing at, Joe.

365. You gotta

366. meet us halfway.

367. Look, guys,

368. I don't wanna be

369. a burden to anyone.

370. You go ahead and

371. live your lives.

372. I'll be fine.

373. We can't just

374. leave you, Joe.

375. So before we go,

376. I'm gonna put the remote

377. in your mouth.

378. Here's a can of chili.

379. And the opener

380. we'll put in your mouth.

381. And here's a magazine

382. I thought you

383. might like to read.

384. I'm gonna put it

385. in your mouth.

386. You're

387. a good friend, Peter.

388. Joe, I just wish

389. we could do more,

390. but obviously

391. your mouth is full.

392. And you probably don't want

393. any reminders of Bonnie

394. around the house,

395. so, I cleared out

396. all of her underwear.

397. Okay, don't be

398. a stranger.

399. Yeah, 'cause we're not

400. supposed to talk to those.

401. I don't know,

402. I'm not sure

403. I feel right

404. about leaving Joe.

405. Doesn't seem like

406. he's gonna be able to

407. take care of himself.

408. Yeah, we're...

409. We're kind of

410. all he has now.

411. What? Joe?

412. What are you

413. talking about?

414. He's fine.

415. Look, he's already

416. watching The Price

417. Is Right in there.

418. Oh, he's biting too hard

419. on the volume.

420. Okay, you can play

421. over there in

422. the sandbox, honey.

423. Mommy's just

424. gonna read her book.

425. Okay, I'm just gonna

426. walk 30 feet away,

427. and then panic

428. because I can't

429. see you.

430. Can you fit me in

431. at 10:00 tomorrow?

432. It's getting

433. a little long

434. on the sides.

435. Brian? What are you

436. doing on a leash?

437. And, who's that?

438. Shh. Be cool.

439. This is the guy

440. whose wife I'm banging.

441. Oh, what a romantic

442. way to put it.

443. Yeah, it's great.

444. I just pretend

445. to be their dog,

446. and then when he

447. leaves for work,

448. I get to go to the pound,

449. if you know what I mean.

450. God, Brian, you are

451. such a scumbag.

452. I can't believe you...

453. Mommy! Mommy!

454. Where's my Mommy?

455. I have no one

456. and nothing!

457. I'm right here, honey.

458. Oh, thank God.

459. She's such

460. a gross hog.

461. Joe, you can't

462. just sit here.

463. You need intellectual

464. stimulation.

465. So I brought

466. something to

467. read to you.

468. It's the word search

469. from the Sunday circular.

470. "Kangaroo." Let's see

471. if we can find that one.

472. "Outback." I think

473. it's an Australian theme.

474. "Koala."

475. It definitely is.

476. Can't make out

477. this one.

478. "Abor... Aborgine...

479. Aborgina?"

480. That's what they call

481. eggplant down there.

482. You know what?

483. Forget this. I'll just

484. read to you from Jet.

485. Look, this whole page

486. is all the Wayans

487. brothers sitting in

488. different positions.

489. How you suppose

490. they come up with

491. all them positions?

492. You could give me

493. a million years.

494. I just ain't

495. wired that way.

496. Marlon's like

497. a rubber man.

498. He can sit in

499. any kind of way.

500. Here's Keenen telling

501. the younger ones

502. how to sit.

503. Like they gonna listen.

504. Damon's doing

505. his own thing.

506. No surprise there.

507. That's Damon.

508. You enjoying

509. all this, Joe?

510. I'm honestly just glad

511. it seems like you have

512. something you like.

513. All right, Joe, you can't

514. just stay cooped up

515. in the house all day.

516. So, I found a fun activity

517. you can still enjoy.

518. Indoor skydiving.

519. What does

520. your friend weigh?

521. Same as me, probably.

522. I don't know,

523. 500, 600 pounds.

524. Whoa! I better

525. crank it up.

526. Okay, there's a chance

527. he weighed less.

528. Man, he's up there.

529. Five, 10 feet at least.

530. You're not very good

531. with numbers, are you?

532. No, sir.

533. Well, he's gonna be

534. up there for a while.

535. What do you say I go

536. buy you 3,000 beers?

537. Buddy, I don't know

538. who you are,

539. but I'm sure as hell glad

540. you walked in here.

541. Hey, my laptop's

542. out of battery.

543. You want to have sex?

544. Sure, I've almost finished

545. my sandwich, anyway.

546. Ugh. Come on.

547. I don't want to

548. have to watch this.

549. Yeah, that's right.

550. I was the only one

551. who didn't get to

552. meet Biden.

553. You know what? Screw this.

554. I'm out of here.

555. Ha! Skewered.

556. Hey! Where do you think

557. you're going?

558. You're my dog.

559. You're not going anywhere.

560. Besides, I need you, boy.

561. Now more than ever.

562. I think my wife

563. is cheating on me.

564. Hey, Tori, it's Brian.

565. I'm getting

566. the Chinese food for us.

567. I think I'm gonna order

568. some Me Like Bang Ho.

569. That's...

570. That's not a real thing,

571. I'm talking about sex.

572. All right,

573. I'll be there in five.

574. Man, when I find

575. that son of a bitch,

576. I'm gonna rip

577. his head off.

578. God, what a nightmare.

579. That guy's even scarier

580. than a thesaurus-asaurus.

581. Tread, stomp,

582. trudge, growl,

583. roar, ululate.

584. Antonym... Whisper.

585. What's wrong with him?

586. He's on the spectrum.

587. Spectrum?

588. In my day, we'd throw him

589. in the army and have him

590. play the bugle.

591. Peter, this just

592. isn't working.

593. We can't take

594. proper care of Joe.

595. It's a huge amount of work

596. and we don't have any idea

597. what we're doing.

598. Quagmire's right.

599. It's too much.

600. I just think

601. he'd be better off

602. under the care of

603. grumpy Filipino nurses.

604. Yeah, that's why

605. I looked into it,

606. and we've reserved

607. a place for him

608. at the State Home

609. for Mentals and Bastards.

610. Oh, my God,

611. sometimes they whip 'em

612. with hoses outside?

613. This is perfect!

614. Hi, I work here.

615. I don't think

616. this guy works here.

617. Hi, can I help you?

618. Yeah, this is

619. Joe Swanson.

620. We arranged for

621. a 9:15 dump-off?

622. Go on, guys,

623. get out of here.

624. I'll be fine.

625. Bye, Joe.

626. Take care, man.

627. See you, Joe.

628. Hold on, guys.

629. There's one last thing

630. I got to say to my friend.

631. Hey, Joe, you know

632. that movie you

633. told me to watch,

634. that you said

635. was your favorite

636. movie of all time,

637. and you said

638. I had to watch it?

639. Backdraft.

640. You finally

641. watched it?

642. Yeah.

643. Wasn't it great?

644. I thought it was stupid.

645. Take care, Joe.

646. You know, that state home

647. we left Joe in

648. didn't seem so bad.

649. Yeah, it's got

650. to be good.

651. I mean,

652. Napoleon Bonaparte was there.

653. Would the French people

654. let their boss

655. walk around in

656. stained underwear

657. trying to stab people

658. if the place wasn't nice?

659. Yeah, no, no,

660. you're right,

661. you're right.

662. Joe will get much

663. better care there.

664. I still feel bad.

665. Come on, you guys.

666. Joe's gonna be fine.

667. He'll fit in great there.

668. Not like when

669. I went to Hogwarts.

670. Slytherin.

671. Hufflepuff.

672. Housing for

673. registered

674. sex offenders!

675. Oh...

676. Oh, Tori, thank God.

677. Listen, you got

678. to unchain me.

679. Look what Vic did.

680. Tell me about it.

681. He's lost his mind.

682. That's why I'm gonna go

683. stay with my mother

684. in Baltimore

685. and work at

686. her wife's bar.

687. Wait, what?

688. Tori, come back!

689. Damn it.

690. Wow, shocker.

691. Your gross hook-up

692. from the car wash

693. ended poorly?

694. Stewie, thank God!

695. How'd you find me?

696. Well, you remember

697. when the vet

698. knocked you out

699. to take out

700. that rotten tooth?

701. He also put

702. a tracking chip

703. in your neck.

704. What? That's a total

705. violation of my rights!

706. I like how

707. you're chained up in a yard

708. and still trying to

709. pretend you're a guy.

710. Look, you got

711. to help me.

712. Her husband's a maniac,

713. and the only reason

714. he hasn't killed me

715. is because he thinks

716. I'm just his pet dog.

717. He's got a padlock on here.

718. But don't worry,

719. I'll figure something out.

720. Well, hurry, 'cause

721. I'm trapped like

722. a baseball announcer.

723. And,

724. the count is two and two.

725. Garcia steps off

726. the mound again,

727. virtually guaranteeing that

728. my wife will be asleep

729. when I get home.

730. The big right-hander

731. kicks a little dirt

732. and tosses the rosin bag

733. as my children grow up

734. without me.

735. Okay, and now

736. a fan in the stands

737. is giving me the finger.

738. I agree.

739. Hey, I don't know

740. if you can hear it,

741. but I'm peeing in my

742. coffee cup right now.

743. There you are.

744. Where the hell

745. have you been?

746. I got arrested

747. for huckin' a TV/VCR

748. combo off the damn.

749. Off the damn what?

750. Off the damn overpass.

751. Oh...

752. God, I love you, Lois.

753. That was like great sex.

754. But, seriously,

755. it was bad.

756. It hit a school bus.

757. Oh, my God!

758. Well, can you go

759. talk to Joe?

760. Maybe he can put in

761. a word for you down

762. at the police station.

763. Yeah, yeah, Joe...

764. Yeah, maybe, maybe.

765. Do you... Uh...

766. You want a back rub?

767. Peter, what's going on?

768. Uh, what do you mean?

769. Whenever you offer me

770. a back rub,

771. it means you're

772. hiding something.

773. You want a back rub?

774. We may or may not have

775. put Joe in a smelly

776. home for the goofy.

777. What?

778. Peter, those places

779. are a horror show!

780. Joe's your friend!

781. How could you

782. treat him like that?

783. We just couldn't handle him

784. being fully paralyzed.

785. We didn't know

786. what else to do.

787. But, you're right.

788. We got to get him

789. out of there.

790. You most certainly do.

791. All right,

792. how about that

793. back rub now?

794. What are you, nuts?

795. What the hell

796. do you want?

797. Oh, hello, sir.

798. I'm afraid there's

799. been a mistake.

800. I believe you

801. found our dog,

802. and we need to

803. take him home.

804. No way! Get lost, kid.

805. He's my dog now.

806. Well, we figured

807. you'd say no to us,

808. but not to Vice President

809. Joe Biden!

810. Oh, my God!

811. Mr. Vice President!

812. First, I want to

813. thank you, Vic,

814. for shooting the guy

815. we said was Osama bin Laden.

816. Second, give these kids

817. their dog back.

818. Of course, sir,

819. I'm so sorry!

820. Here, take him!

821. Thank you.

822. You're a great American.

823. Thanks, Mr. Biden!

824. No problem.

825. Hey, you guys

826. watch Veep?

827. No.

828. Yeah, it's all fake.

829. Yeah, we said no.

830. Hi, uh, we're here

831. to pick up Joe Swanson.

832. Are you from the news?

833. You have to tell us if

834. you're from the news.

835. No, we're his friends.

836. What are you guys

837. doing here?

838. We came to

839. bring you home, Joe.

840. We're all really sorry

841. we abandoned you.

842. Yeah, we just kind of

843. got overwhelmed

844. and all freaked out.

845. But, we're

846. your friends, Joe.

847. And we'll always

848. be there for you

849. no matter what.

850. Thanks, guys.

851. I'd say,

852. "Let's get my stuff,"

853. but it's all been stolen.

854. That's okay.

855. Come on, let's go home.

856. Sorry, no one

857. gets out of here

858. without a release

859. from their doctor.

860. All right, we'll

861. just call him right now.

862. What's that

863. ringing?

864. Joe, that ringing,

865. it's coming

866. from your back!

867. It is.

868. Holy crap!

869. Dr. Hartman must

870. have dropped

871. his phone in Joe

872. when he was

873. looking at

874. his spine!

875. Oh, thank God.

876. I've been hearing

877. that ringing all week.

878. I just thought

879. I was losing my mind

880. from lunatics

881. screaming in my face.

882. Your mother's a whore!

883. I told you that

884. in confidence, Gary.

885. It's so great to

886. have you back, Joe.

887. You seem good as new.

888. Yeah, it turns out

889. Dr. Hartman's cell phone

890. was pressing on

891. my spinal cord,

892. and that's what

893. was causing

894. my total paralysis.

895. Yeah, sorry we dropped

896. the ball for a while,

897. which is the way we

898. agreed we'd describe

899. what we did to you,

900. which, hopefully,

901. makes it seem

902. less heinous.

903. It's all right, guys.

904. I'm just glad to be

905. back on my feet.

906. Well, you know

907. what I mean.

908. I never saw much

909. of Joe after that.

910. And, while he's been

911. gone for many years,

912. I've never forgotten his face

913. or his laughter.

914. Come on, are we going

915. to the beach?

916. We've been

917. waiting forever.

918. Yeah, be right

919. there, champ.

920. He said that the first

921. two times we asked.

922. I know, he spaces out

923. when he's at the computer.

924. These aren't my kids.

925. And also,

926. this isn't play-wrestling.

927. We're actually fighting.