1. Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse.Copy !req
2. You know, this was theCopy !req
3. fanciest restaurant in QuahogCopy !req
4. when I was a kid.Copy !req
5. The ladies' room has a big spaceCopy !req
6. with chairs in it,Copy !req
7. like a living room,Copy !req
8. before you get backCopy !req
9. to where the crappers are.Copy !req
10. Good evening andCopy !req
11. welcome to Smitty's.Copy !req
12. I'll be back withCopy !req
13. martinis for Mom and Dad,Copy !req
14. and for you kids,Copy !req
15. some martinis.Copy !req
16. Dad, can you passCopy !req
17. the bread?Copy !req
18. Sure. But don't forgetCopy !req
19. the butter that looks likeCopy !req
20. decorative bathroom soaps andCopy !req
21. is impossible to smear.Copy !req
22. Thanks, Dad!Copy !req
23. This really ruins it!Copy !req
24. What will youCopy !req
25. be having, sir?Copy !req
26. Yes, I'll have what I had lastCopy !req
27. pheasant on the glass.Copy !req
28. Don't you meanCopy !req
29. "pheasant under glass"?Copy !req
30. Nope.Copy !req
31. Yeah. Now turn aroundCopy !req
32. and lay an egg on the glass.Copy !req
33. Aw, yeah.Copy !req
34. I defy you to tell meCopy !req
35. exactly what's wrong with this.Copy !req
36. Oh, Peter, look.Copy !req
37. You can put your business cardCopy !req
38. in this bowlCopy !req
39. and maybe win a free lunch.Copy !req
40. I don't have aCopy !req
41. business card.Copy !req
42. And I thinkCopy !req
43. you knew that.Copy !req
44. I hope you enjoyedCopy !req
45. your meal, sir.Copy !req
46. May I offer youCopy !req
47. a toothpick?Copy !req
48. Oh, I-I don't know.Copy !req
49. We've already spentCopy !req
50. a lot of money in here tonight.Copy !req
51. No, sir, it-it's free.Copy !req
52. Oh!Copy !req
53. Peter, that's notCopy !req
54. how you use a toothpick.Copy !req
55. You pick your teethCopy !req
56. with it.Copy !req
57. I cannot believeCopy !req
58. I have to explain this to you.Copy !req
59. There are gaps in my knowledge.Copy !req
60. This is hardly news.Copy !req
61. Wow, this is awesome!Copy !req
62. This is likeCopy !req
63. I'm having a whole second meal!Copy !req
64. Man, this just feels right.Copy !req
65. That's it. From here on out, ICopy !req
66. am about all things toothpick.Copy !req
67. I'm gonna go everywhere withCopy !req
68. it, always be chewing on it,Copy !req
69. and start all myCopy !req
70. sentences with,Copy !req
71. "All right, here'sCopy !req
72. what you're gonna do."Copy !req
73. Excuse me, we'reCopy !req
74. from out of town.Copy !req
75. Where do people go to listenCopy !req
76. to live music around here?Copy !req
77. I'll handle this. All right,Copy !req
78. here's what you're gonna do.Copy !req
79. Skip the live music.Copy !req
80. Get yourself a roomCopy !req
81. over at the Wickford Marina.Copy !req
82. Take her out on a balcony,Copy !req
83. point to any boat in the harbor,Copy !req
84. and tell her it's yours.Copy !req
85. Now, you got rubbers?Copy !req
86. Now that I'm a toothpick guy,Copy !req
87. I call 'em rubbers.Copy !req
88. Or you could just pull the hoseCopy !req
89. out of the bucketCopy !req
90. and let it spray free.Copy !req
91. I've had a vasectomy.Copy !req
92. Chris, now that I'm a toothpickCopy !req
93. guy, it's my job to sitCopy !req
94. on a BMX bikeCopy !req
95. outside the rec centerCopy !req
96. and ask every kidCopy !req
97. if they're the new kid.Copy !req
98. Hey. You the new kid?Copy !req
99. Why?Copy !req
100. Never mind why.Copy !req
101. Got any cool toys?Copy !req
102. Uh, I got an Xbox.Copy !req
103. How about you?Copy !req
104. I got a BarbieCopy !req
105. with a wiener on it.Copy !req
106. Took a thumb from a G.I. Joe,Copy !req
107. put it on with superglue.Copy !req
108. Looks pretty real.Copy !req
109. Real enough, anyways.Copy !req
110. Does the job.Copy !req
111. Does what job?Copy !req
112. You get it.Copy !req
113. My family moves around a lotCopy !req
114. 'cause I do stuff like this.Copy !req
115. Um, okay.Copy !req
116. I got to go now.Copy !req
117. You sure you don't wantCopy !req
118. to come over and pullCopy !req
119. on my cat's nipples?Copy !req
120. We can do anything,Copy !req
121. 'cause my mom has two jobs.Copy !req
122. All right,Copy !req
123. I'm off to the fish market.Copy !req
124. What? Why?Copy !req
125. Well, the most intimidatingCopy !req
126. people are toothpick guysCopy !req
127. who work at seafood countersCopy !req
128. and make people uncomfortableCopy !req
129. for not knowingCopy !req
130. about fish.Copy !req
131. What's good here?Copy !req
132. It's all good.Copy !req
133. What's the freshest?Copy !req
134. It's all fresh.Copy !req
135. How 'bout the halibut?Copy !req
136. Is it gamey?Copy !req
137. Gamey?Copy !req
138. I mean, you know,Copy !req
139. is it fishy?Copy !req
140. It's all fish.Copy !req
141. Is there a special wayCopy !req
142. to prepare it?Copy !req
143. I'd cook it up.Copy !req
144. W-Well, what'sCopy !req
145. the best fish here?Copy !req
146. What's your favorite fish?Copy !req
147. I don't eat fish.Copy !req
148. I only like spaghetti.Copy !req
149. Ugh, when are you gonnaCopy !req
150. get rid of that toothpick?Copy !req
151. It's disgusting,Copy !req
152. and it's starting to smell.Copy !req
153. Why would I give it up?Copy !req
154. It's getting me tons of tail.Copy !req
155. What?Copy !req
156. And check this out.Copy !req
157. The rare triple toothpick flip.Copy !req
158. Oh, my God,Copy !req
159. are you all right?Copy !req
160. No, I swallowed it!Copy !req
161. My toothpick! It's gone!Copy !req
162. Damn it! I'm gonna needCopy !req
163. you to put that largeCopy !req
164. two-handed colanderCopy !req
165. over the toilet.Copy !req
166. Peter, that wasCopy !req
167. a wedding present from my aunt.Copy !req
168. Well, let's useCopy !req
169. the ice cream maker!Copy !req
170. We've never used it once!Copy !req
171. Calm down. You can alwaysCopy !req
172. get another toothpick.Copy !req
173. Oh, my God, you're right!Copy !req
174. Lois, we got to driveCopy !req
175. to Smitty's right nowCopy !req
176. and get one.Copy !req
177. Now?Copy !req
178. But we told Chris we'd be thereCopy !req
179. when he wakes up from surgery.Copy !req
180. All right, we were ableCopy !req
181. to fix your hernia,Copy !req
182. but you've got to stopCopy !req
183. lifting sewer hole covers.Copy !req
184. But the Ninja TurtlesCopy !req
185. live down there.Copy !req
186. I'm friends with them.Copy !req
187. Hey, fat ass,Copy !req
188. I brought you flowers.Copy !req
189. But stay out of the sewers!Copy !req
190. We're trying to work down there.Copy !req
191. Thanks, Donatello!Copy !req
192. Oh, thank God!Copy !req
193. Quick, we needCopy !req
194. another toothpick!Copy !req
195. Thank you, Maurice.Copy !req
196. Just get your toothpickCopy !req
197. and let's get out of here.Copy !req
198. Ugh. No, thanks.Copy !req
199. That old lady has ruinedCopy !req
200. toothpicks for me.Copy !req
201. Just like how MegCopy !req
202. ruined broccoli.Copy !req
203. Hey, Meg, look,Copy !req
204. they're little trees!Copy !req
205. No, they're not.Copy !req
206. They're not?Copy !req
207. Hey, Peter!Copy !req
208. Oh, look, there's QuagmireCopy !req
209. and his transgendered mother,Copy !req
210. which is now great.Copy !req
211. Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida.Copy !req
212. I didn't knowCopy !req
213. you liked Smitty's.Copy !req
214. Oh, yeah, I've beenCopy !req
215. coming here for ages.Copy !req
216. They even named a sandwichCopy !req
217. after me.Copy !req
218. It's an inside-out hot dogCopy !req
219. slathered in ketchup.Copy !req
220. Please, pleaseCopy !req
221. join us.Copy !req
222. Oh, we wouldn't wantCopy !req
223. to interrupt your brave dinner.Copy !req
224. Nonsense, we're happyCopy !req
225. to have you.Copy !req
226. All right,Copy !req
227. but we already ate dinner,Copy !req
228. so maybe just an iceberg wedge,Copy !req
229. a steak and some sides.Copy !req
230. And then I said something randomCopy !req
231. that suggestedCopy !req
232. a whole crazy story!Copy !req
233. Oh, God, that'sCopy !req
234. hilarious, Lois.Copy !req
235. I could listen toCopy !req
236. you talk all night.Copy !req
237. Yeah, but we got to get going.Copy !req
238. Carter's our babysitter,Copy !req
239. and if he's with the kids tooCopy !req
240. long, they start saying racisms.Copy !req
241. Aw, I wish the funCopy !req
242. didn't have to end.Copy !req
243. I always enjoy spending timeCopy !req
244. with you two.Copy !req
245. Well, why don't youCopy !req
246. come over tomorrow?Copy !req
247. We'll fire up the grill and haveCopy !req
248. the gang over for a cookout.Copy !req
249. Well, thatCopy !req
250. sounds wonderful.Copy !req
251. Well, great, we'll be there!Copy !req
252. Hey, before you twoCopy !req
253. leave, let's take a photo.Copy !req
254. Yeah! Selfie!Copy !req
255. I just learned that word.Copy !req
256. Perfect! Well, goodCopy !req
257. night, you guys.Copy !req
258. See you tomorrow,Copy !req
259. hashtags!Copy !req
260. You're not doingCopy !req
261. that right.Copy !req
262. Boy, that Lois is reallyCopy !req
263. something, isn't she?Copy !req
264. Yeah. Peter's a lucky guy.Copy !req
265. Glenn, do you...Copy !req
266. do you have feelings for her?Copy !req
267. What?Copy !req
268. No.Copy !req
269. A mother always knows.Copy !req
270. You like to play theCopy !req
271. field, but, deep down,Copy !req
272. you really wish you had aCopy !req
273. woman like Lois, don't you?Copy !req
274. No, I don't want a womanCopy !req
275. like Lois.Copy !req
276. I want Lois.Copy !req
277. She's perfect.Copy !req
278. I've loved her for years.Copy !req
279. She's warm and kindCopy !req
280. and beautiful.Copy !req
281. I've never been so in loveCopy !req
282. with anyone.Copy !req
283. Glenn, that'sCopy !req
284. very sweet,Copy !req
285. but you're talking aboutCopy !req
286. your best friend's wife.Copy !req
287. I know, I know.Copy !req
288. It's wrong.Copy !req
289. And Peter'sCopy !req
290. a good friend.Copy !req
291. Not like Cleveland.Copy !req
292. Hey, I got twoCopy !req
293. of these phone books.Copy !req
294. Didn't knowCopy !req
295. if you wanted one.Copy !req
296. Hey, how longCopy !req
297. have we known each other?Copy !req
298. Long time. And yet we've neverCopy !req
299. discussed mothers' maiden names,Copy !req
300. the names of old pets,Copy !req
301. high school mascots,Copy !req
302. favorite teachers.Copy !req
303. Heck, I don't even knowCopy !req
304. the last four digitsCopy !req
305. of your Social.Copy !req
306. Cleveland, do you needCopy !req
307. to borrow some money?Copy !req
308. I do!Copy !req
309. They're gonna kill Donna!Copy !req
310. Really?Copy !req
311. No. I just wantCopy !req
312. to buy a man's fur coat.Copy !req
313. Get out of here.Copy !req
314. Hey, Peter,Copy !req
315. I had an extraCopy !req
316. phone book, and I...Copy !req
317. I'm not buying youCopy !req
318. that coat!Copy !req
319. Huh? Who? What?Copy !req
320. Yeah, what? What? WhichCopy !req
321. doggy in what window?Copy !req
322. So, how'd everything go?Copy !req
323. Hard to tell. I wasCopy !req
324. coughing the whole time.Copy !req
325. By the way, I couldn't figureCopy !req
326. out how to use your oven,Copy !req
327. so I destroyed itCopy !req
328. in a blind rage.Copy !req
329. Well, good night.Copy !req
330. Ooh, after that steak, I gotCopy !req
331. to go lay down on the toilet.Copy !req
332. Huh. Looks like I gotCopy !req
333. a couple of messages.Copy !req
334. Uh, Dad? Dad?Copy !req
335. Grandpa's going nutsCopy !req
336. on the oven.Copy !req
337. Can you come home quick?Copy !req
338. Who the hell is that?Copy !req
339. Huh. There's one from Quagmire.Copy !req
340. Huh, must'veCopy !req
341. pocket-dialed me again.Copy !req
342. I want Lois. She's perfect.Copy !req
343. I've loved her for years.Copy !req
344. She's warm and kindCopy !req
345. and beautiful.Copy !req
346. I've never been so in loveCopy !req
347. with anyone.Copy !req
348. Oh, my God!Copy !req
349. Quagmire's in love with my wife?Copy !req
350. Hello?Copy !req
351. Peter, I'm having troublesCopy !req
352. on the toilet.Copy !req
353. Bring the ice cream maker.Copy !req
354. Brian, there's something ICopy !req
355. got to talk to you about.Copy !req
356. Quagmire pocket-dialedCopy !req
357. me last night.Copy !req
358. You got to hear this.Copy !req
359. I want Lois. She's perfect.Copy !req
360. I've loved her for years.Copy !req
361. Oh, my God!Copy !req
362. He's in love with Lois?Copy !req
363. Yeah, and if you keepCopy !req
364. listening, you can hearCopy !req
365. a Puerto Rican busboy getCopy !req
366. fired in the background.Copy !req
367. It's pretty funny.Copy !req
368. He cries.Copy !req
369. But can youCopy !req
370. believe Quagmire?Copy !req
371. Well, I guessCopy !req
372. it's not that shocking.Copy !req
373. I mean, he has said 100 timesCopy !req
374. that he wants to bang Lois.Copy !req
375. No, no, no, that's justCopy !req
376. Quagmire being a horn-dog.Copy !req
377. This is love.Copy !req
378. I don't know.Copy !req
379. I think you're makingCopy !req
380. too big a deal out of this.Copy !req
381. Too big a deal? The guy'sCopy !req
382. been sitting next to meCopy !req
383. all these years,Copy !req
384. acting like he's my friend,Copy !req
385. when all he really wantsCopy !req
386. is to be with my wife!Copy !req
387. Geez, calm down.Copy !req
388. No, I'm telling you,Copy !req
389. he's gonna try to takeCopy !req
390. Lois away from me.Copy !req
391. You know what? I'm goingCopy !req
392. over there right nowCopy !req
393. and hit him with a shovel, likeCopy !req
394. a white trash YouTube girl.Copy !req
395. Peter, wait, wait.Copy !req
396. Listen.Copy !req
397. Delete that messageCopy !req
398. and pretend you never heard it.Copy !req
399. What? Why?Copy !req
400. Because you weren't meantCopy !req
401. to hear it.Copy !req
402. If you act on this, all you'llCopy !req
403. do is wreck your friendshipCopy !req
404. and cause heartacheCopy !req
405. for everyone involved.Copy !req
406. What, so what am I supposedCopy !req
407. to do, just ignore it?Copy !req
408. Yeah. Ignore it.Copy !req
409. Like you do with the ghostCopy !req
410. of that colonial womanCopy !req
411. who diedCopy !req
412. falling down our stairs.Copy !req
413. I sawCopy !req
414. you eat a crayon.Copy !req
415. It was purple.Copy !req
416. I thought it was grape.Copy !req
417. Look, you've got to beCopy !req
418. the bigger man.Copy !req
419. You got to just keep thisCopy !req
420. to yourself.Copy !req
421. Fine, ICopy !req
422. won't say anything.Copy !req
423. Good. And don't beCopy !req
424. passive-aggressive, either.Copy !req
425. Like one of those songsCopy !req
426. in an old musical.Copy !req
427. Pretty good turnoutCopy !req
428. for this thing.Copy !req
429. Oh, yeah, MortCopy !req
430. and Neil Goldman.Copy !req
431. It's like Coachella.Copy !req
432. There's that son of a bitch.Copy !req
433. He's got some nerveCopy !req
434. showing up here.Copy !req
435. Peter, remember whatCopy !req
436. we talked about.Copy !req
437. Look at them cloudsCopy !req
438. up there.Copy !req
439. Yeah, that oneCopy !req
440. look like Nathan.Copy !req
441. That one lookCopy !req
442. like Shawn.Copy !req
443. And there go WanyaCopy !req
444. over there.Copy !req
445. How blessed are we to haveCopy !req
446. all them Boyz II MenCopy !req
447. just floating aroundCopy !req
448. in the sky?Copy !req
449. Glenn! Ida!Copy !req
450. You made it!Copy !req
451. Hey, Lois. I brought theCopy !req
452. hamburger buns, like you wanted.Copy !req
453. I wasn't sureCopy !req
454. what people like,Copy !req
455. so I got some with seeds on themCopy !req
456. and some without.Copy !req
457. What does he meanCopy !req
458. by that, "seeds"?Copy !req
459. Like semen?Copy !req
460. Is that what he means?Copy !req
461. Semen on her buns.Copy !req
462. Am I the only one hearing this?Copy !req
463. Get the hell away from my wife,Copy !req
464. you scumbag!Copy !req
465. Peter, what are youCopy !req
466. talking about?Copy !req
467. I'll tell youCopy !req
468. what I'm talking about!Copy !req
469. I'm talking about this!Copy !req
470. Idea for a movie.Copy !req
471. Fop Cop. It's a copCopy !req
472. who's, like, a fancy guy.Copy !req
473. Nobody heard that!Copy !req
474. None of you take that!Copy !req
475. What I meant to play was this.Copy !req
476. I want Lois. She's perfect.Copy !req
477. I've loved her for years.Copy !req
478. Fop Cop.Copy !req
479. That could work.Copy !req
480. Glenn...Copy !req
481. i-is this true?Copy !req
482. Wait a minute, how the hell'dCopy !req
483. you get that recording, Peter?Copy !req
484. You pocket-dialed me,Copy !req
485. you bastard!Copy !req
486. Peter, that was aCopy !req
487. private conversation.Copy !req
488. That doesn't change the factCopy !req
489. that you want to steal my wife!Copy !req
490. Hey, get yourCopy !req
491. hands off me!Copy !req
492. Oh, my God!Copy !req
493. Oh, come on, you two.Copy !req
494. Come on, now.Copy !req
495. Hey, what are y'all doing?Copy !req
496. Stop! Stop it!Copy !req
497. Kill him, Dad!Copy !req
498. Murder him!Copy !req
499. That's it!Copy !req
500. End of cookout!Copy !req
501. Get out of my house, and don'tCopy !req
502. ever speak to me again!Copy !req
503. Wow, that turned ugly fast.Copy !req
504. Just like my trip to Tampa Bay.Copy !req
505. Hey, city boy,Copy !req
506. what's with the arm pants?Copy !req
507. I want Lois. She's perfect.Copy !req
508. I've loved her for years.Copy !req
509. You're stillCopy !req
510. listening to that thing?Copy !req
511. It's like, I can't even processCopy !req
512. why he'd feel this way.Copy !req
513. Maybe... you know, maybeCopy !req
514. play it one more time and...Copy !req
515. I can't believe this.Copy !req
516. I thought QuagmireCopy !req
517. was my friend!Copy !req
518. Peter, it's notCopy !req
519. that surprising.Copy !req
520. He's always had aCopy !req
521. potent sex drive.Copy !req
522. Remember hisCopy !req
523. grandmother's funeral?Copy !req
524. Yeah, get it in there.Copy !req
525. Oh, I wish this wasCopy !req
526. about sex.Copy !req
527. If he was just homeCopy !req
528. busting one to his buddy's wife,Copy !req
529. hell, we've all done that.Copy !req
530. I've heard. Allegedly.Copy !req
531. But not often.Copy !req
532. And never to Donna.Copy !req
533. Except when she woreCopy !req
534. those shiny gold shortsCopy !req
535. to parent-teacher night.Copy !req
536. Oh, yeah, thatCopy !req
537. was hilarious.Copy !req
538. Yeah, that was...Copy !req
539. that was so tacky.Copy !req
540. But if Quagmire actually hasCopy !req
541. feelings for you,Copy !req
542. I'm afraid he might take youCopy !req
543. away from me.Copy !req
544. Peter, nobody'sCopy !req
545. taking me anywhere.Copy !req
546. I love you.Copy !req
547. Mmm.Copy !req
548. I love you, too, Lois.Copy !req
549. Hey, you ever heardCopy !req
550. any of the other wivesCopy !req
551. saying they'reCopy !req
552. attracted to me?Copy !req
553. No, um, not thatCopy !req
554. I recall, no.Copy !req
555. Look, now thatCopy !req
556. this is settled,Copy !req
557. maybe you and Glenn canCopy !req
558. put this behind you.Copy !req
559. No way! How am I supposedCopy !req
560. to be friends with someoneCopy !req
561. who's in love with my wife?Copy !req
562. Quagmire is dead to meCopy !req
563. and needs to be dealt withCopy !req
564. in an appropriate manner.Copy !req
565. Shame.Copy !req
566. Shame.Copy !req
567. Shame.Copy !req
568. Shame.Copy !req
569. This was serious, but itCopy !req
570. turned into something fun.Copy !req
571. Glenn? Is that you?Copy !req
572. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
573. I was just buying a...Copy !req
574. a... grocery store cane.Copy !req
575. See you, Lois.Copy !req
576. Glenn, wait.Copy !req
577. Look, if you and PeterCopy !req
578. aren't gonna talk this out,Copy !req
579. you and I should.Copy !req
580. What's thereCopy !req
581. to talk about?Copy !req
582. Everyone knows I'm in loveCopy !req
583. with my best friend's wife.Copy !req
584. It's pathetic.Copy !req
585. And humiliating.Copy !req
586. Glenn...Copy !req
587. I can't trust myselfCopy !req
588. around you.Copy !req
589. It's probably best if I...Copy !req
590. just never see you again.Copy !req
591. Well, you can't justCopy !req
592. avoid me forever.Copy !req
593. We live onCopy !req
594. the same street.Copy !req
595. Mm.Copy !req
596. Well, then...Copy !req
597. I know what I have to do.Copy !req
598. Good-bye, Lois.Copy !req
599. Oh, sour cream.Copy !req
600. You wanted meCopy !req
601. to remind you.Copy !req
602. Sour cream.Copy !req
603. Mr. Quagmire, which boxCopy !req
604. do these beads go in?Copy !req
605. Let me smell 'em.Copy !req
606. They go in the big box.Copy !req
607. Quagmire, I can'tCopy !req
608. believe you're moving.Copy !req
609. Look, give it time—Copy !req
610. this whole thing will blow over.Copy !req
611. No, it's too awkward.Copy !req
612. It's best for everyoneCopy !req
613. if I just leave.Copy !req
614. That's too bad.Copy !req
615. We never got to doCopy !req
616. that "Joe-Quagmire" lunch.Copy !req
617. Well, that'll do it.Copy !req
618. Peter, Quagmire'sCopy !req
619. serious about this.Copy !req
620. You got to do something!Copy !req
621. You're right.Copy !req
622. Quagmire, wait!Copy !req
623. You almost leftCopy !req
624. without this!Copy !req
625. You want me to be the oneCopy !req
626. that says "jiggety" now?Copy !req
627. We now return to Dateline.Copy !req
628. Our story tonight:Copy !req
629. The guy you think did it?Copy !req
630. He did it.Copy !req
631. Now go to bed.Copy !req
632. Your grandkidsCopy !req
633. are coming tomorrow.Copy !req
634. I had a pretty goodCopy !req
635. egg dish last night.Copy !req
636. What? What-what am I supposedCopy !req
637. to do with that information?Copy !req
638. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
639. Maybe ask me for the recipe?Copy !req
640. Do you have it?Copy !req
641. No.Copy !req
642. So what's going onCopy !req
643. with you guys?Copy !req
644. Nothing much.Copy !req
645. See, this is where QuagmireCopy !req
646. normally would have toldCopy !req
647. one of hisCopy !req
648. outrageous sex stories.Copy !req
649. Aw, we don't need him.Copy !req
650. I got a sex story for you.Copy !req
651. So I'm banging this chick,Copy !req
652. and she's saying to me,Copy !req
653. "I'm worried that Chris won'tCopy !req
654. get into college."Copy !req
655. And then I says to her,Copy !req
656. "Yeah, that seems likeCopy !req
657. a legitimate concern."Copy !req
658. And then I lost my wood,Copy !req
659. and so we just watched Colbert,Copy !req
660. and then I took a dumpCopy !req
661. completely nude.Copy !req
662. Who else but Peter?Copy !req
663. Peter, face it— withoutCopy !req
664. Quagmire, we're boring.Copy !req
665. Oh, come on,Copy !req
666. that ain't true.Copy !req
667. Yes, it is. He hadCopy !req
668. all the fun ideas.Copy !req
669. Remember? He evenCopy !req
670. took me parasailing.Copy !req
671. This is awesome!Copy !req
672. It's like I'm flying!Copy !req
673. I've never felt so alive!Copy !req
674. Oh, if onlyCopy !req
675. I had a pair of legs.Copy !req
676. All right!Copy !req
677. It was the fish part of meCopy !req
678. that wanted 'em!Copy !req
679. Look, Peter, I'm sorryCopy !req
680. Quagmire moved away,Copy !req
681. but you can't just sit aroundCopy !req
682. the house and drink all day.Copy !req
683. It's all your faultCopy !req
684. Quagmire fell in love with you.Copy !req
685. Traipsin' aroundCopy !req
686. in your tan pantsCopy !req
687. and your green shirtCopy !req
688. and your soothing voice.Copy !req
689. My fault?Copy !req
690. Yeah, everything is messed up.Copy !req
691. I lost my best friend,Copy !req
692. my buddies are all fighting,Copy !req
693. that chick at work is sayingCopy !req
694. stuff that ain't true.Copy !req
695. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
696. Enough feelingCopy !req
697. sorry for yourself.Copy !req
698. We're fixing this now.Copy !req
699. Get in the car.Copy !req
700. What? Why?Copy !req
701. You'll see.Copy !req
702. Why should I trust you?Copy !req
703. You're always tricking me intoCopy !req
704. going places I don't want to.Copy !req
705. Oh. You said we were goingCopy !req
706. to a place Walt Disney built.Copy !req
707. No, Peter.Copy !req
708. I said "supported."Copy !req
709. (bright fanfare playing,Copy !req
710. fireworks whistling)Copy !req
711. By the way,Copy !req
712. don't go on the train ride.Copy !req
713. I've been playingCopy !req
714. a game I inventedCopy !req
715. called "mini racquetball"Copy !req
716. in your garage.Copy !req
717. Uh-huh.Copy !req
718. It's pretty fun.Copy !req
719. He has not wonCopy !req
720. a single point.Copy !req
721. You don't have to winCopy !req
722. to have fun.Copy !req
723. Lois?Copy !req
724. Peter. Zod.Copy !req
725. Hey. You're parked behindCopy !req
726. my trapezoid-thing.Copy !req
727. Yeah, yeah,Copy !req
728. I'll move it in a sec.Copy !req
729. Glenn, all this nonsenseCopy !req
730. has to stop now.Copy !req
731. The only reasonCopy !req
732. this became an issue is becauseCopy !req
733. Peter heard somethingCopy !req
734. he wasn't supposed to hear.Copy !req
735. Guy from Superman lives here?Copy !req
736. And the truth is,Copy !req
737. we all have private thoughtsCopy !req
738. we don't act on,Copy !req
739. and that's okay.Copy !req
740. For instance, every timeCopy !req
741. I'm on the subway,Copy !req
742. I want to push a strangerCopy !req
743. onto the tracks.Copy !req
744. And that's fine!Copy !req
745. I don't do it!Copy !req
746. I guess you're right.Copy !req
747. I don't totally disagree withCopy !req
748. what Kim Jong-un's doing,Copy !req
749. but you don't seeCopy !req
750. me moving there.Copy !req
751. I take medicineCopy !req
752. I get from the veterinarian.Copy !req
753. Is that one?Copy !req
754. No, no, it's not,Copy !req
755. but the point is,Copy !req
756. we all have secret thoughts.Copy !req
757. But there's no reason theyCopy !req
758. should ruin our friendships.Copy !req
759. Sometimes I think aboutCopy !req
760. going to the hospitalCopy !req
761. and switchingCopy !req
762. the babies around.Copy !req
763. Somali piratesCopy !req
764. seem cool, too.Copy !req
765. I wouldn't mind eatingCopy !req
766. the Phillie Phanatic.Copy !req
767. See? We're allCopy !req
768. terrible people inside.Copy !req
769. Joe's a little worseCopy !req
770. than the rest of us,Copy !req
771. but we all just shoveCopy !req
772. our thoughts deep downCopy !req
773. where they can'tCopy !req
774. hurt anybody.Copy !req
775. Huh, maybe you're right.Copy !req
776. Of course I'm right.Copy !req
777. The secret to happiness isCopy !req
778. burying all your true feelingsCopy !req
779. and living a lifeCopy !req
780. of bland compromise.Copy !req
781. So here's the question, Glenn.Copy !req
782. Do you love Peter enoughCopy !req
783. to repress your love for me?Copy !req
784. Peter, if you're willingCopy !req
785. to forget all about this,Copy !req
786. I'm more than happy to continueCopy !req
787. hiding my true feelings.Copy !req
788. I do miss usCopy !req
789. hanging out together.Copy !req
790. Huh. Sorry I kind ofCopy !req
791. went a little crazy.Copy !req
792. Ah, that's all right.Copy !req
793. And I'm sorryCopy !req
794. I will always love your wife.Copy !req
795. Which I don't.Copy !req
796. Thank you, Glenn.Copy !req
797. All right!Copy !req
798. What do you sayCopy !req
799. we all celebrateCopy !req
800. with a gameCopy !req
801. of mini racquetball?Copy !req
802. Wait. Is mini racquetballCopy !req
803. just Ping-Pong?Copy !req
804. Kind of.Copy !req
805. Boy, it's good to haveCopy !req
806. the gang together again.Copy !req
807. Yeah, welcome home, buddy.Copy !req
808. Man, I missed sitting around,Copy !req
809. just shooting the breeze.Copy !req
810. Hey, so how'd you getCopy !req
811. your house back?Copy !req
812. This ought to be good.Copy !req
813. I suspended escrow.Copy !req
814. Oh.Copy !req
815. Hey, guys, you know that eggCopy !req
816. dish I was talking about?Copy !req
817. Turns out that wasCopy !req
818. just a dream I had.Copy !req
819. Captioned byCopy !req
820. Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req