1. that all you seeCopy !req
2. and sex on TVCopy !req
3. good old-fashioned valuesCopy !req
4. positively can doCopy !req
5. that make usCopy !req
6. Hey, guys, do you like beer,Copy !req
7. but can't get drunk from beer?Copy !req
8. Then try new Vodka Beer.Copy !req
9. The can says "beer,"Copy !req
10. but inside is 12 ouncesCopy !req
11. of carbonated vodka.Copy !req
12. And the best part is,Copy !req
13. your wife will never know.Copy !req
14. Honey, I'm so proudCopy !req
15. of you, cutting downCopy !req
16. to one beer a night.Copy !req
17. Take off your underwear.Copy !req
18. She don't know.Copy !req
19. I got the mail.Copy !req
20. Hey, does anCopy !req
21. octopus live here?Copy !req
22. Peter, that saysCopy !req
23. "occupant."Copy !req
24. Oh, that's too bad.Copy !req
25. That would'veCopy !req
26. been awesome.Copy !req
27. Oh, look, Peter.Copy !req
28. Here's something fromCopy !req
29. your mother's estate.Copy !req
30. Oh, looks like theyCopy !req
31. finally sold her house.Copy !req
32. And the last whiteCopy !req
33. domino in thatCopy !req
34. neighborhood falls.Copy !req
35. Wow. They sold it?Copy !req
36. So that means the houseCopy !req
37. and everythingCopy !req
38. inside of it is gone?Copy !req
39. Oh, sweetheart,Copy !req
40. you thinking aboutCopy !req
41. all the good timesCopy !req
42. you had there?Copy !req
43. No, I'm thinking aboutCopy !req
44. my teenage porn stash.Copy !req
45. It's still hiddenCopy !req
46. in the house.Copy !req
47. Oh. Okay, but I knowCopy !req
48. this is really aboutCopy !req
49. the memories.Copy !req
50. Lactating slutsCopy !req
51. on box-springs.Copy !req
52. The special timesCopy !req
53. growing up.Copy !req
54. Bikini black chicksCopy !req
55. sneezing.Copy !req
56. Lois, stop making himCopy !req
57. reminisce about stuff.Copy !req
58. You don't understand, Lois.Copy !req
59. A boy's first collectionCopy !req
60. of nudie booksCopy !req
61. and girlie moviesCopy !req
62. is a sacred thing.Copy !req
63. It can't fall intoCopy !req
64. a stranger's hands.Copy !req
65. This is very serious.Copy !req
66. I'm taking usCopy !req
67. to DEFCON 4.Copy !req
68. What happens whenCopy !req
69. it hits DEFCON 1?Copy !req
70. We see a dogCopy !req
71. wearing a wig.Copy !req
72. Oh, heck,Copy !req
73. let's see that anyway.Copy !req
74. That's not even a lady dog.Copy !req
75. Hey, Peter, what's wrong?Copy !req
76. You've been real quiet.Copy !req
77. I don't know, Quagmire.Copy !req
78. I keep thinkingCopy !req
79. of my old pornos.Copy !req
80. It's like I'mCopy !req
81. reminded of themCopy !req
82. everywhere I look.Copy !req
83. You've been lookingCopy !req
84. at Cleveland a lot.Copy !req
85. Plus, you know,Copy !req
86. when people find that box,Copy !req
87. they won't know that, like,Copy !req
88. for some of them magazines,Copy !req
89. I just had them as,Copy !req
90. like, a joke.Copy !req
91. You know, not 'cause,Copy !req
92. like, I was really into it.Copy !req
93. Just the opposite.Copy !req
94. For some ofCopy !req
95. them magazines.Copy !req
96. Okay.Copy !req
97. I'm gonna beCopy !req
98. arrested for sure.Copy !req
99. Peter, I knowCopy !req
100. exactly whereCopy !req
101. you're coming from.Copy !req
102. You, Quagmire?Copy !req
103. You enjoyCopy !req
104. pornography, too?Copy !req
105. Yup, and I knowCopy !req
106. that a man'sCopy !req
107. porn collectionCopy !req
108. must be secured andCopy !req
109. protected at all costs,Copy !req
110. until he gets ashamedCopy !req
111. of it and ditches it inCopy !req
112. an alley behind a Kroger's.Copy !req
113. Hey, I know!Copy !req
114. What if we break intoCopy !req
115. my old house and steal backCopy !req
116. my big box of pornos?Copy !req
117. What do you say?Copy !req
118. You guys with me?Copy !req
119. You bet.Copy !req
120. Sure thing, Peter.Copy !req
121. I mean, come on,Copy !req
122. we're a team. Like fishCopy !req
123. and chips and fat guys.Copy !req
124. I want the doubleCopy !req
125. cheeseburger,Copy !req
126. but I'm gonna go healthyCopy !req
127. and get the fish and chips.Copy !req
128. Fish and chips!Copy !req
129. Okay, you allCopy !req
130. remember the plan.Copy !req
131. We walk up wearingCopy !req
132. our Bill Cosby masks.Copy !req
133. Peter, that'sCopy !req
134. President Obama.Copy !req
135. Aw, did I justCopy !req
136. do a racism?Copy !req
137. Hello? Can I helpCopy !req
138. you gentlemen?Copy !req
139. Hi.Copy !req
140. You guys have been sittingCopy !req
141. in front of my houseCopy !req
142. for the last five hoursCopy !req
143. trying on Obama masks.Copy !req
144. Is there somethingCopy !req
145. I can do for you?Copy !req
146. We, uh...Copy !req
147. We were just getting readyCopy !req
148. to break into your house.Copy !req
149. Excuse me?Copy !req
150. Oh, hey, cool shirt.Copy !req
151. What? Oh, thank you.Copy !req
152. Look, what's this all about?Copy !req
153. This guy used toCopy !req
154. live in your house,Copy !req
155. and a box of his old pornCopy !req
156. is still hidden in there.Copy !req
157. We were gonnaCopy !req
158. break in and take it.Copy !req
159. And I was gonna stayCopy !req
160. with the rental vanCopy !req
161. because it's my nameCopy !req
162. what's on the contract.Copy !req
163. Oh. Well, you could'veCopy !req
164. just knocked onCopy !req
165. the door and asked.Copy !req
166. I don't want that stuff,Copy !req
167. I've got kids.Copy !req
168. Get it out of there!Copy !req
169. Really? Awesome!Copy !req
170. Well, that wasCopy !req
171. easier than a gameCopy !req
172. of Pai Gow poker.Copy !req
173. Pai gow.Copy !req
174. You lose again!Copy !req
175. That was awesome!Copy !req
176. I can't believeCopy !req
177. these tablesCopy !req
178. are always empty.Copy !req
179. You play again?Copy !req
180. Nope, out of money.Copy !req
181. I'm just gonnaCopy !req
182. wait for my drink.Copy !req
183. Who had the fullCopy !req
184. glass of Goldschlager?Copy !req
185. Ah. Sorry, can't tip.Copy !req
186. I'm gonna takeCopy !req
187. this up to my room.Copy !req
188. I'm on the wrong floor.Copy !req
189. Almost time for lunch.Copy !req
190. How was everything?Copy !req
191. Delicious.Copy !req
192. The prime ribCopy !req
193. was mostly fat.Copy !req
194. Should I chargeCopy !req
195. it to your room?Copy !req
196. No, I had to check out,Copy !req
197. even though myCopy !req
198. flight's not until midnight.Copy !req
199. Now, how does oneCopy !req
200. with no moneyCopy !req
201. get to the airport?Copy !req
202. Hey, buddy,Copy !req
203. you're blockingCopy !req
204. the outlet.Copy !req
205. Oh, Sorry.Copy !req
206. There was no chairs.Copy !req
207. Hi, Peter.Copy !req
208. How was Vegas?Copy !req
209. Oh, it's the best!Copy !req
210. Sweet. Which movieCopy !req
211. should I start with?Copy !req
212. "Back Door Sluts 4."Copy !req
213. Eh, I haven't seenCopy !req
214. the first three,Copy !req
215. I wouldn't knowCopy !req
216. what's going on.Copy !req
217. Here we go.Copy !req
218. I wanna watchCopy !req
219. all of theseCopy !req
220. movies, nonstop.Copy !req
221. I don't wanna watchCopy !req
222. any more ofCopy !req
223. these movies, ever.Copy !req
224. Hey, Brian, you wannaCopy !req
225. go for a ride toCopy !req
226. behind the Kroger's?Copy !req
227. What?Copy !req
228. That's weird.Copy !req
229. What's that?Copy !req
230. Hello, future Peter.Copy !req
231. Hi.Copy !req
232. By the time you watch this,Copy !req
233. you'll be a grown-up,Copy !req
234. so I'm sure you'reCopy !req
235. allowed to eat ice creamCopy !req
236. and pizza for every meal.Copy !req
237. You know it.Copy !req
238. Also, I bet you'reCopy !req
239. a big important doctorCopy !req
240. like that Doogie Howser kidCopy !req
241. who's getting so much ass.Copy !req
242. Well, I was partly right.Copy !req
243. I just hope to GodCopy !req
244. you're not stuckCopy !req
245. in some loser job,Copy !req
246. like in a brewery,Copy !req
247. or a toy factory,Copy !req
248. or a fishing boat.Copy !req
249. Oh, boy.Copy !req
250. But, you know,Copy !req
251. I don't have to worryCopy !req
252. about none of that.Copy !req
253. I'm sure you're a big,Copy !req
254. successful doctor.Copy !req
255. Anyway, here's someCopy !req
256. Conway Twitty.Copy !req
257. This is annoying.Copy !req
258. I don't wannaCopy !req
259. sit through this.Copy !req
260. Man.Copy !req
261. I guess I ain'tCopy !req
262. the big successCopy !req
263. I thought I'd be.Copy !req
264. I know whatCopy !req
265. you mean, Peter.Copy !req
266. When I was young, I thoughtCopy !req
267. that someday I'd produceCopy !req
268. Upworthy web content.Copy !req
269. Am I doing it?Copy !req
270. Yes. But notCopy !req
271. everyone is so lucky.Copy !req
272. Damn it, I suck.Copy !req
273. I've never doneCopy !req
274. anything important.Copy !req
275. Well, except forCopy !req
276. when I beat Larry BirdCopy !req
277. for a Big Mac.Copy !req
278. Off the floor,Copy !req
279. off the scoreboard,Copy !req
280. off the backboard, no rim.Copy !req
281. Right near the basket,Copy !req
282. underhanded,Copy !req
283. effeminate gasp,Copy !req
284. over the backboard,Copy !req
285. out of bounds,Copy !req
286. waddle over to get it,Copy !req
287. slip on a towel,Copy !req
288. twist my ankle,Copy !req
289. go to the emergency room,Copy !req
290. doctors tell meCopy !req
291. it's not that bad andCopy !req
292. I shouldn't have come there,Copy !req
293. I make them give meCopy !req
294. a cast anyway,Copy !req
295. never play sports again.Copy !req
296. Hey, I won theCopy !req
297. $2 sandwich.Copy !req
298. Look at me.Copy !req
299. I was beautiful.Copy !req
300. What are you watching?Copy !req
301. It's just a teenage loser wCopy !req
302. ho didn't realize he hadCopy !req
303. no future in front of him.Copy !req
304. Well, when you'reCopy !req
305. done with this,Copy !req
306. Stewie is trappedCopy !req
307. between his cribCopy !req
308. and the wall.Copy !req
309. Help!Copy !req
310. Somebody help!Copy !req
311. He's watchingCopy !req
312. an old video.Copy !req
313. Okay,Copy !req
314. when he's done, then.Copy !req
315. Oh, my God!Copy !req
316. He's just rhymingCopy !req
317. "danger zone"Copy !req
318. with "danger zone."Copy !req
319. Holy crap!Copy !req
320. Chris,Copy !req
321. I was just like you!Copy !req
322. What?Copy !req
323. Listen to me, Chris.Copy !req
324. I'm a failure in life,Copy !req
325. and that's all I'll ever be.Copy !req
326. But it's not too lateCopy !req
327. for you. I won't let youCopy !req
328. go down my path.Copy !req
329. What are youCopy !req
330. saying, Dad?Copy !req
331. I'm saying, Chris,Copy !req
332. I'm gonna make sureCopy !req
333. that you grow upCopy !req
334. to be a success.Copy !req
335. Yeah, I'm gonnaCopy !req
336. be a success!Copy !req
337. Would you excuseCopy !req
338. me for a moment?Copy !req
339. Computer, what doesCopy !req
340. "success" mean?Copy !req
341. Chris, let me knowCopy !req
342. when you're doneCopy !req
343. with the computer.Copy !req
344. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
345. No TV for you, Chris.Copy !req
346. TV is how stupid losersCopy !req
347. spend their time.Copy !req
348. Peter, what is thisCopy !req
349. all about?Copy !req
350. I'm trying toCopy !req
351. save our son, Lois.Copy !req
352. I don't want himCopy !req
353. to end up like me,Copy !req
354. dead-end job,Copy !req
355. crappy house,Copy !req
356. aging wife who'sCopy !req
357. getting skinny whereCopy !req
358. fat's supposed to be,Copy !req
359. and fat where skinny'sCopy !req
360. supposed to be.Copy !req
361. Ha!Copy !req
362. Meg, go to your room.Copy !req
363. Look, Peter,Copy !req
364. I'm glad you're thinkingCopy !req
365. about Chris' future,Copy !req
366. but he's fine.Copy !req
367. He's a perfectlyCopy !req
368. normal kid.Copy !req
369. Are you crazy?Copy !req
370. Look at him.Copy !req
371. He's over thereCopy !req
372. intentionally givingCopy !req
373. himself a nosebleed.Copy !req
374. Yay! My nose isCopy !req
375. finally a woman!Copy !req
376. Okay, so maybe he'sCopy !req
377. a little roughCopy !req
378. around the edges, but...Copy !req
379. Oh, boy, a littleCopy !req
380. got in my mouth there.Copy !req
381. Yeah, I'm gonna haveCopy !req
382. to wash this shirt.Copy !req
383. Anyway, I'm gonna helpCopy !req
384. Chris become a big,Copy !req
385. important success.Copy !req
386. The same wayCopy !req
387. Mumford turned hisCopy !req
388. son into a success.Copy !req
389. Okay, Dad,Copy !req
390. heading outCopy !req
391. to the concert.Copy !req
392. Now, hold onCopy !req
393. a minute, son.Copy !req
394. Where are your arm garters?Copy !req
395. Your string tie?Copy !req
396. Your woolen vest?Copy !req
397. You look nothing likeCopy !req
398. a dry-goods clerk fromCopy !req
399. the Garfield administration.Copy !req
400. But, Dad...Copy !req
401. No buts! You're a Mumford.Copy !req
402. Now get upstairs,Copy !req
403. put on a jauntyCopy !req
404. traveling hat,Copy !req
405. and write the sameCopy !req
406. song 25 times.Copy !req
407. Chris, it's timeCopy !req
408. to get you onCopy !req
409. the path to success.Copy !req
410. And if there'sCopy !req
411. one surefire wayCopy !req
412. to expand your mind,Copy !req
413. it's free weeklyCopy !req
414. newspapersCopy !req
415. dispensed fromCopy !req
416. unlocked metal boxesCopy !req
417. on street corners.Copy !req
418. Ah, yes. All the newest,Copy !req
419. most cutting-edgeCopy !req
420. ideas are in here.Copy !req
421. Art, music, poetry,Copy !req
422. political discourse.Copy !req
423. Ah. Uh-huh.Copy !req
424. Mmm. Ha.Copy !req
425. It's 300 pagesCopy !req
426. of she-male ads.Copy !req
427. Okay, now, Chris,Copy !req
428. if you wanna be a success,Copy !req
429. you gotta look worldlyCopy !req
430. and sophisticated.Copy !req
431. And to do that,Copy !req
432. you got to dressCopy !req
433. like Lenny Kravitz,Copy !req
434. with a little somethingCopy !req
435. from every part ofCopy !req
436. the world pinned on you.Copy !req
437. Leather bracelets!Copy !req
438. Nipple ring!Copy !req
439. Zippers whereCopy !req
440. zippers shouldn't be!Copy !req
441. Wilma FlintstoneCopy !req
442. pearl necklaces!Copy !req
443. A fur shrug withCopy !req
444. crocheted sleeves!Copy !req
445. A hat on a hat!Copy !req
446. A watch onCopy !req
447. your pinky toe!Copy !req
448. And nothing says,Copy !req
449. "Look at me,Copy !req
450. I've been places,"Copy !req
451. like two litCopy !req
452. road flares hangingCopy !req
453. from your sunglasses.Copy !req
454. Hey, you look likeCopy !req
455. you've been places.Copy !req
456. Stop looking at me!Copy !req
457. I do not wantCopy !req
458. this attention!Copy !req
459. Come on, Chris,Copy !req
460. let's get out of here.Copy !req
461. Uh, what are you doing?Copy !req
462. Well, I've beenCopy !req
463. trying to make ChrisCopy !req
464. less of a fat dummy,Copy !req
465. and nothingCopy !req
466. seems to be working,Copy !req
467. so now we'reCopy !req
468. high-stepping aroundCopy !req
469. in giant hats.Copy !req
470. Tip of the giant hat, sir.Copy !req
471. And to you, sir!Copy !req
472. Yes, sir, smart dayCopy !req
473. to you, sir.Copy !req
474. And I thank you,Copy !req
475. sir.Copy !req
476. I scraped my knee bad!Copy !req
477. Get up, Chris,Copy !req
478. you're embarrassingCopy !req
479. yourself.Copy !req
480. You look stupid and fat.Copy !req
481. Peter, I have to ask,Copy !req
482. are you pushingCopy !req
483. Chris so hardCopy !req
484. because it's what'sCopy !req
485. best for him?Copy !req
486. Or are you trying toCopy !req
487. make up for yourCopy !req
488. own disappointmentCopy !req
489. about how yourCopy !req
490. life turned out?Copy !req
491. Brian, these areCopy !req
492. the biggest hatsCopy !req
493. I could find,Copy !req
494. so if your point isCopy !req
495. that there's evenCopy !req
496. larger ones available,Copy !req
497. I would greet thatCopy !req
498. with skepticism.Copy !req
499. No, no, no, my point isCopy !req
500. that you need to letCopy !req
501. Chris find his own path.Copy !req
502. Oh, my God,Copy !req
503. you're right, Brian.Copy !req
504. He needs to be pointedCopy !req
505. to a very specific path.Copy !req
506. And then forced toCopy !req
507. go down it.Copy !req
508. No, no, that'sCopy !req
509. the opposite ofCopy !req
510. what I just said.Copy !req
511. Chris, your best chanceCopy !req
512. for successCopy !req
513. is to be cultured andCopy !req
514. worldly, like our dog.Copy !req
515. So starting right now,Copy !req
516. you gotta followCopy !req
517. Brian around and doCopy !req
518. everything he does.Copy !req
519. What?Copy !req
520. Come on, Brian.Copy !req
521. You gotta show ChrisCopy !req
522. how to turn outCopy !req
523. better than me.Copy !req
524. I mean, you went to Brown,Copy !req
525. you're a published author,Copy !req
526. you can hear it firstCopy !req
527. when Joe falls outCopy !req
528. of the tub.Copy !req
529. That's starting toCopy !req
530. happen more often.Copy !req
531. But I guessCopy !req
532. you're right.Copy !req
533. Maybe I am the guyCopy !req
534. to make a diamondCopy !req
535. out of this lump of coal.Copy !req
536. But only if it'sCopy !req
537. what Chris wants.Copy !req
538. I don't care.Copy !req
539. All right,Copy !req
540. I'll do it.Copy !req
541. Just followCopy !req
542. my lead, Chris.Copy !req
543. 'Cause I thinkCopy !req
544. you could beCopy !req
545. something great.Copy !req
546. Who knows? Maybe you'llCopy !req
547. even become one of thoseCopy !req
548. Mission Control leadersCopy !req
549. who gets allCopy !req
550. thoughtful whileCopy !req
551. everybody's celebrating.Copy !req
552. Apollo 13, this isCopy !req
553. Mission Control,Copy !req
554. do you copy?Copy !req
555. Apollo 13, this isCopy !req
556. Mission Control,Copy !req
557. do you copy?Copy !req
558. Do you copy,Copy !req
559. Apollo 13?Copy !req
560. Mission Control,Copy !req
561. this is Apollo 13.Copy !req
562. We're all okay.Copy !req
563. Good to be home.Copy !req
564. Sir, you did it!Copy !req
565. Sir, is everything okay?Copy !req
566. I bought a Nook e-readerCopy !req
567. a couple of years ago,Copy !req
568. and I'm stillCopy !req
569. pissed about it.Copy !req
570. Hey.Copy !req
571. Hey.Copy !req
572. Chew that way.Copy !req
573. Eh, dinner's no funCopy !req
574. without Chris here.Copy !req
575. There's nobody here for meCopy !req
576. to wing my biscuit at.Copy !req
577. Well, Peter, he's beenCopy !req
578. spending an awfulCopy !req
579. lot of time with Bri...Copy !req
580. Eh, it's not the same.Copy !req
581. Anyway, he and BrianCopy !req
582. have been spendingCopy !req
583. a lot of time together.Copy !req
584. Really? You're gonnaCopy !req
585. let that slide?Copy !req
586. Guy throwsCopy !req
587. a biscuit at you?Copy !req
588. Good evening, all.Copy !req
589. Apologies forCopy !req
590. being so tardy.Copy !req
591. Oh, Chris,Copy !req
592. you're not tardy.Copy !req
593. We tested you twice.Copy !req
594. There you guys are.Copy !req
595. We were wonderingCopy !req
596. about you.Copy !req
597. Brian and I haveCopy !req
598. been having a blast.Copy !req
599. First we wentCopy !req
600. to a symphony.Copy !req
601. Then we sawCopy !req
602. a small independent playCopy !req
603. with real smoking in it.Copy !req
604. And then we hitCopy !req
605. the Quahog Book FestivalCopy !req
606. and went to a Q and ACopy !req
607. to ask questionsCopy !req
608. that weren'tCopy !req
609. really questions.Copy !req
610. Wow. Look atCopy !req
611. my sophisticatedCopy !req
612. young man.Copy !req
613. You're certainly takingCopy !req
614. to Brian's example.Copy !req
615. If anything,Copy !req
616. he's teaching me.Copy !req
617. I mean, not really,Copy !req
618. but you know.Copy !req
619. See, I knew BrianCopy !req
620. could put Chris onCopy !req
621. the path to success.Copy !req
622. Hey, Chris, let's celebrate.Copy !req
623. There's a new babyCopy !req
624. panda at the zoo.Copy !req
625. How about you and me goCopy !req
626. chuck tater tots at it?Copy !req
627. Chuck them at Lois.Copy !req
628. She'll just sitCopy !req
629. there and take it.Copy !req
630. Oh, Dad.Copy !req
631. That would've beenCopy !req
632. fine for the old me,Copy !req
633. but Brian and ICopy !req
634. have to be going.Copy !req
635. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
636. Yeah, we're off to seeCopy !req
637. an old movieCopy !req
638. on a temporary screenCopy !req
639. in a muddy,Copy !req
640. freezing park.Copy !req
641. That sounds awful.Copy !req
642. It is awful.Copy !req
643. But at least parkingCopy !req
644. will be impossible. Bye!Copy !req
645. Jeez, I feel likeCopy !req
646. I just lost my son.Copy !req
647. Aw, I got a skin tag inCopy !req
648. my crack and it stingsCopy !req
649. when I don't wipe right.Copy !req
650. This has beenCopy !req
651. a bad dinner.Copy !req
652. There you two are.Copy !req
653. Sit down and join us.Copy !req
654. I can't stay, Mom.Copy !req
655. Brian's showing meCopy !req
656. all of hisCopy !req
657. favorite stuff to do.Copy !req
658. Getting spooked whenCopy !req
659. the furnace goes on?Copy !req
660. We're participatingCopy !req
661. in an autism walk.Copy !req
662. Looks like you'reCopy !req
663. doing it right now.Copy !req
664. And we may beCopy !req
665. gone for a while,Copy !req
666. 'cause after that,Copy !req
667. we're going downCopy !req
668. to the Civic Center.Copy !req
669. Michael Ian Black isCopy !req
670. cocking his eyebrowsCopy !req
671. for four hours.Copy !req
672. He saysCopy !req
673. the things weCopy !req
674. don't care to say.Copy !req
675. Bye!Copy !req
676. Man, I'm sick ofCopy !req
677. how much time ChrisCopy !req
678. is spending with Brian.Copy !req
679. Probably smooching pickles,Copy !req
680. 'cause they're a coupleCopy !req
681. of pickle smoochers.Copy !req
682. It's like he ain'tCopy !req
683. even my son no more,Copy !req
684. doing all thatCopy !req
685. fancy-pants stuff.Copy !req
686. Oh, Peter, I knowCopy !req
687. you miss him,Copy !req
688. but this is whatCopy !req
689. you wanted, isn't it?Copy !req
690. Well, yeah, butCopy !req
691. I didn't realizeCopy !req
692. bettering himselfCopy !req
693. meant blowing offCopy !req
694. his old man.Copy !req
695. You know what?Copy !req
696. The hell with this.Copy !req
697. I want my son back.Copy !req
698. Peter, relax.Copy !req
699. Chris is just goingCopy !req
700. through a phase.Copy !req
701. He'll grow out of it.Copy !req
702. Just like you grew outCopy !req
703. of your Walk LikeCopy !req
704. An Egyptian phase.Copy !req
705. Paul was a good man.Copy !req
706. A good friend.Copy !req
707. I'll...Copy !req
708. I'll always rememberCopy !req
709. how supportive he was when...Copy !req
710. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
711. I can't, I can't...Copy !req
712. I can't do this.Copy !req
713. Check it out, Lois.Copy !req
714. When Chris notices thatCopy !req
715. "World's Greatest Son" mugCopy !req
716. I made,Copy !req
717. he'll be back on boardCopy !req
718. with his old man in no time.Copy !req
719. Hey, Chris,Copy !req
720. what's on the mug?Copy !req
721. "World's Greatest Son."Copy !req
722. This worldCopy !req
723. only has one sun.Copy !req
724. What kind of idiotCopy !req
725. made this mug?Copy !req
726. made to be brokenCopy !req
727. I'm very easilyCopy !req
728. influenced by music.Copy !req
729. All right, Chris, nowCopy !req
730. I know you're allCopy !req
731. sophisticated now,Copy !req
732. but no man canCopy !req
733. resist the siren callCopy !req
734. of mentally-impairedCopy !req
735. supermodel Kate Upton.Copy !req
736. Mmm. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
737. I'm more of aCopy !req
738. Catherine Keener man now.Copy !req
739. But, Chris,Copy !req
740. you got toCopy !req
741. take advantage.Copy !req
742. The clock's tickingCopy !req
743. on Kate Upton.Copy !req
744. She's almost atCopy !req
745. the end of her window.Copy !req
746. Yup, we missed it.Copy !req
747. Come on, get out of here.Copy !req
748. Sorry, Lois,Copy !req
749. I need the TV.Copy !req
750. I gotta win my son back.Copy !req
751. What are youCopy !req
752. talking about, Peter?Copy !req
753. Well, you know howCopy !req
754. Brian's got ChrisCopy !req
755. watching all themCopy !req
756. fancy foreign films now?Copy !req
757. Well, I figureCopy !req
758. I can lure Chris inCopy !req
759. with this French movie,Copy !req
760. Le Rocque Trois.Copy !req
761. Rocky!Copy !req
762. Adrienne!Copy !req
763. Rocky!Copy !req
764. Adrienne!Copy !req
765. Oh, Clubber Lang.Copy !req
766. Peter, this is pointless.Copy !req
767. You wanted Chris toCopy !req
768. be a better personCopy !req
769. with a bright future,Copy !req
770. and thanks to Brian,Copy !req
771. that's what he has now.Copy !req
772. Yeah, but I don'tCopy !req
773. even recognize ChrisCopy !req
774. these days.Copy !req
775. And I never get toCopy !req
776. spend time with him.Copy !req
777. It's like Chris ain'tCopy !req
778. my friend no more.Copy !req
779. Thanks for comingCopy !req
780. to the Book ClubCopy !req
781. meeting, everyone.Copy !req
782. Well, I gotta say,Copy !req
783. I loved this week's book,Copy !req
784. Annie Proulx'sCopy !req
785. The Shipping News.Copy !req
786. Yes, yes! Yes.Copy !req
787. Very Portnoy's Complaint.Copy !req
788. I don't... What, uh,Copy !req
789. what do you mean by that?Copy !req
790. Oh, you know,Copy !req
791. just with the port,Copy !req
792. and the shipping.Copy !req
793. And of course, inCopy !req
794. Portnoy's Complaint,Copy !req
795. you've got the guyCopy !req
796. who's livingCopy !req
797. near the water.Copy !req
798. That doesn't sound right.Copy !req
799. And he hatedCopy !req
800. the noise fromCopy !req
801. the local port,Copy !req
802. so he filed oneCopy !req
803. of the very firstCopy !req
804. port-noise complaintsCopy !req
805. in maritime law.Copy !req
806. And for those of usCopy !req
807. who read theCopy !req
808. complaints, trust me,Copy !req
809. they wereCopy !req
810. very warranted.Copy !req
811. Brian, can I talkCopy !req
812. to you over here?Copy !req
813. Oh! Let's dog-earCopy !req
814. this for a sec.Copy !req
815. This one gets it.Copy !req
816. Brian, what the hellCopy !req
817. are you talking about?Copy !req
818. You clearly haven't readCopy !req
819. either of those books.Copy !req
820. Whoa, Chris, nowCopy !req
821. you're starting toCopy !req
822. sound like Mark Twain,Copy !req
823. whose real nameCopy !req
824. was Samuel Clemens.Copy !req
825. Oh, that isCopy !req
826. so your go-to!Copy !req
827. I can't believe you.Copy !req
828. I thought youCopy !req
829. were this worldly,Copy !req
830. sophisticated guy,Copy !req
831. but you're justCopy !req
832. a fraud, like Moses.Copy !req
833. And the Lord'sCopy !req
834. 11th Commandment,Copy !req
835. "Moses gets toCopy !req
836. be first in lineCopy !req
837. at the buffet."Copy !req
838. What?Copy !req
839. Oh, seriously?Copy !req
840. I know, you guys,Copy !req
841. it's so lame,Copy !req
842. but that's what it says.Copy !req
843. Why are you doing that?Copy !req
844. Why are youCopy !req
845. hucking tater totsCopy !req
846. at a baby panda?Copy !req
847. 'Cause I'm oddlyCopy !req
848. attracted to him,Copy !req
849. and it frightens me.Copy !req
850. See, this is whyCopy !req
851. you're so great, Dad.Copy !req
852. You don't pretend toCopy !req
853. be someone you're not.Copy !req
854. You do what you want,Copy !req
855. and you don't careCopy !req
856. what anyone thinks.Copy !req
857. Well, I careCopy !req
858. what you think.Copy !req
859. Look, Chris, you'reCopy !req
860. my kid, and I wantCopy !req
861. what's best for you,Copy !req
862. but I guess I just don'tCopy !req
863. want you to becomeCopy !req
864. too good for your old man.Copy !req
865. Don't worry, Dad.Copy !req
866. I could never beCopy !req
867. too good for youCopy !req
868. because you'reCopy !req
869. the best.Copy !req
870. And I wanna beCopy !req
871. just like youCopy !req
872. when I grow up.Copy !req
873. Really?Copy !req
874. Aw, thanks, Chris.Copy !req
875. Tater tot?Copy !req
876. It's fun, right?Copy !req
877. Yeah!Copy !req
878. And the mama pandaCopy !req
879. doesn't do anything about it,Copy !req
880. because sheCopy !req
881. was blinded to makeCopy !req
882. her more submissive.Copy !req
883. You're right.Copy !req
884. You know, Chris,Copy !req
885. all this startedCopy !req
886. 'cause I wasCopy !req
887. feeling bad aboutCopy !req
888. being a failure.Copy !req
889. But you know what?Copy !req
890. I got you for a son.Copy !req
891. So maybe I didCopy !req
892. something right.Copy !req
893. I love you, Dad.Copy !req
894. Come on, Chris.Copy !req
895. Let's go get anCopy !req
896. $18 Coke at theCopy !req
897. terrible zoo restaurant.Copy !req
898. Yay! Sticky tablesCopy !req
899. covered in bees!Copy !req
900. Coming up,Copy !req
901. we'll tell youCopy !req
902. where to lookCopy !req
903. when talking toCopy !req
904. a coworkerCopy !req
905. in the bathroom.Copy !req
906. The answer mightCopy !req
907. surprise you.Copy !req
908. Well, I thinkCopy !req
909. we all learnedCopy !req
910. something today.Copy !req
911. In other news,Copy !req
912. TVs still make noise,Copy !req
913. even when people resumeCopy !req
914. their conversations.Copy !req
915. That's right, Peter.Copy !req
916. Yes, studiesCopy !req
917. have determined...Copy !req
918. And it's the mostCopy !req
919. important lesson.Copy !req
920. that merely turningCopy !req
921. your head and speaking...Copy !req
922. Everyone shouldCopy !req
923. be who they are.Copy !req
924. to your fat and grossCopy !req
925. family members...Copy !req
926. Success is beingCopy !req
927. true to yourself.Copy !req
928. does not deactivate...Copy !req
929. Amen, Mom.Copy !req
930. a TV. How crazy is that?Copy !req
931. But to have the loveCopy !req
932. of your family...Copy !req
933. You actually...Copy !req
934. that's true success.Copy !req
935. have to turn the TV off.Copy !req
936. Or it'll keep on going.Copy !req
937. Let's go aheadCopy !req
938. and turn off the TV.Copy !req
939. There we go.Copy !req