Family Guy 14x4

Directed by Greg Colton

Adam West as Adam West (voice) • John Mellencamp as Self • Emily Osment as (voice) • John Mellencamp as John Mellencamp

The guys go to an abandoned asylum seeking inspiration for a new horror movie idea, but end up accidentally killing a man they think is keeping them hostage. Wracked with guilt, they each try to pin the murder on someone else. Meanwhile, Stewie is on a mission to destroy Brian's glasses because he's annoyed by how pretentious Brian's been acting when he wears them

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1. that all you see

2. and sex on TV

3. good old-fashioned values

4. positively can do

5. Oh, man,

6. I've been dying to

7. see Maniac Pope 2.

8. The first one

9. was awesome.

10. Is this one of

11. those theaters

12. where they bring

13. your beef stew

14. right to your seat?

15. What?

16. That's not a thing.

17. Sure is. Don't get mad

18. at me 'cause you don't

19. know nothing fancy.

20. I feel like

21. I'm being watched.

22. Of course you are,

23. silly. The Lord is

24. always watching us.

25. May the sword

26. be with you.

27. And also with you.

28. Jeez, this movie sucks.

29. I know,

30. it's terrible.

31. Excuse me,

32. who had the stroganoff

33. with the roasted potatoes?

34. Right here.

35. Thank you for seeing me,

36. Your Excellency.

37. Of course.

38. What did you say your

39. name was, my child?

40. Lucy.

41. You've been Lucy-fied!

42. That was awful.

43. I know. They just

44. redid all the same stuff

45. from the first Maniac Pope.

46. Yeah, like in

47. the first Maniac Pope,

48. he says to Bruce,

49. "You've been

50. Bruce-ified."

51. Like, that's smart, right?

52. That's a smart line.

53. But he did

54. the same thing

55. twice in this movie,

56. once to Lucy,

57. and once earlier when

58. he found that wild goose.

59. It's just

60. bad writing.

61. Yeah, I mean,

62. we could write a better

63. horror movie than that.

64. Really?

65. You think we could?

66. Absolutely.

67. I'm as creative

68. as the first spider

69. to spin a web.

70. Hey, you know how

71. we always dreamed

72. about having a house

73. that comes out

74. of our butts?

75. Uh, what?

76. Huh? Yeah. Butt-house.

77. I found your cigarettes.

78. That's all I'm gonna say.

79. Morning, everybody.

80. And the crisis continues.

81. What, these?

82. Come on. The last thing

83. I want is attention.

84. It's just that

85. when you've read

86. as many books as I have,

87. it takes a toll,

88. you know.

89. You sure

90. it's not from watching

91. too much close-up

92. porn on your phone?

93. You know,

94. I wouldn't be surprised

95. if they have that now.

96. Brian, what do you

97. want for breakfast?

98. Uh, hold on.

99. What do I want?

100. You're so full of it.

101. You don't need

102. those things.

103. Wait, who said that?

104. Oh, Stewie.

105. You are just horrible.

106. You're even worse

107. than those people who

108. take dumps in the shower.

109. What?

110. Why are you cutting to me?

111. What did somebody say?

112. Whatever they said I do,

113. I don't do.

114. All right, I got

115. a horror movie idea.

116. It's called

117. Cereal Killer.

118. A serial killer who

119. only kills people

120. who eat cereal.

121. Wait, what if God

122. is a serial killer?

123. He lowers the average

124. lifespan of humans to 65,

125. but there are many exceptions

126. based on genetics and diet.

127. That's stupid,

128. I ain't never heard

129. of somebody lived to 65.

130. Look, you know,

131. I think the problem

132. is this is a bar.

133. We can't get

134. inspired here.

135. We have to go someplace

136. scary, you know,

137. to put us in the mood.

138. Good idea.

139. What's the scariest

140. place in Quahog?

141. Quahog proper

142. or unincorporated Quahog?

143. Yeah, we know

144. you used to clerk

145. at the town hall.

146. I got it.

147. The old Quahog Asylum.

148. What? Well, we can't go there.

149. That place has been

150. abandoned for years.

151. And they say

152. it's haunted by a ghost

153. with a hook hand.

154. That's why

155. it's the perfect place.

156. If we want to write

157. a scary movie,

158. we need to do it

159. somewhere scary.

160. Well, I guess

161. we could try it.

162. We have sort of just been

163. spinning our wheels here,

164. no offense, Joe.

165. I guess

166. Cleveland's right.

167. So far, this has been

168. a bigger waste of time

169. than an acceptance speech

170. at the Asperger's Awards.

171. I'd like to thank

172. everyone I've ever met

173. in the order that I met them,

174. last name first,

175. and if anyone interrupts me,

176. I'll have to start over.

177. This place is terrible.

178. Are you kidding?

179. It's the perfect place

180. to write a horror movie.

181. All right, well,

182. I got an idea.

183. You know, I like

184. them horror movies

185. where you got

186. a couple of teenagers

187. getting busy in their

188. car at Make Out Point,

189. but there's a killer

190. on the loose.

191. Hey, Stacy, what do you say

192. we go all the way tonight,

193. and then I unload

194. on the sun visors?

195. Is that all you

196. ever think about?

197. And besides, Richie,

198. aren't you worried

199. about what

200. the man on the radio

201. is saying right now?

202. Another dead

203. teenage couple was found

204. at Make Out Point,

205. clawed beyond recognition.

206. You see?

207. There's a dangerous

208. creature out there.

209. Oh, what? You mean

210. the big, rabid,

211. slobbery cat

212. what's been scratching

213. people to death?

214. I don't believe

215. it exists, Stacy.

216. Now help me get

217. the right angle

218. and lower the visor.

219. Richie,

220. did you hear that?

221. Will you calm down?

222. We're the only ones out...

223. Oh, my God!

224. Wait, you were

225. the guy and the cat?

226. And what's with

227. that visor stuff?

228. Did Richie

229. achieve release?

230. Okay, of the three of you,

231. Cleveland's the only

232. one who gets it.

233. That's an awful idea.

234. Well, I got one.

235. We should write

236. one of them zombie movies,

237. where a guy wakes up

238. in a comfortable

239. cotton hospital gown

240. with the back open

241. so there's a nice

242. breeze on your behind.

243. And he's like,

244. "This ain't bad,"

245. but then he notices

246. the hospital's empty.

247. Nurse, I'm ready

248. for my sponge bath.

249. Hmm.

250. What happened to this place?

251. Everybody up and gone.

252. Hmm, that's annoying.

253. Maybe it's a loose filament.

254. Nope, that's a busted bulb.

255. These are all 145s.

256. I need a 180.

257. Well, now, maybe

258. I did need a 145.

259. Here we go.

260. Damn it, I guess

261. it's a wiring issue.

262. That's it?

263. What the hell?

264. When do the zombies

265. show up?

266. That's the thing.

267. Their shuttle was late.

268. I don't know.

269. I was thinking

270. we write a movie

271. where something

272. that's not supposed

273. to be scary

274. becomes scary.

275. Like an evil doll.

276. Yeah. Or like an

277. evil bar of soap.

278. Peter, I don't think

279. that's such a good...

280. Too late.

281. Oh, yeah, that's nice.

282. Time to wash my body with

283. this harmless bar of soap.

284. Hey, Ambassador Mumbasa,

285. are you enjoying that

286. new soap I bought you

287. from that mysterious

288. Chinese man

289. whose store was weirdly

290. not there the next day?

291. Ambassador Mumbasa?

292. Oh, my God,

293. Ambassador Mumbasa!

294. Ambassador Mumbasa?

295. Assistant

296. Ambassador Armstrong?

297. Everything okay up

298. there with the bath?

299. I wonder if everything's okay

300. up at the old Embassy.

301. All right, maybe

302. coming here wasn't

303. such a great idea.

304. Is anybody else getting

305. a little freaked out by

306. all these scary stories?

307. Yeah. Even my spine

308. is tingling.

309. You guys, I'm scared.

310. You remember that movie,

311. The Blob?

312. What if the Blob...

313. Let's get out of here.

314. Oh, damn it, it's locked!

315. Oh, my God,

316. somebody must

317. have locked us in.

318. We're gonna

319. die in here!

320. Sorry, guys, somebody

321. emailed me a video

322. of a sheep screaming.

323. It was him.

324. It was the hook-handed

325. killer. He locked us in!

326. All the windows

327. have bars on them.

328. I think the only way

329. out of here is through

330. this duct system.

331. Guys, do the words

332. "dead by dawn"

333. scrawled in feces

334. over there mean

335. we're in trouble?

336. Did you do it?

337. I did.

338. Then no.

339. Still sticking with

340. the glasses, huh?

341. What? Oh, right,

342. I have glasses.

343. They're such

344. a part of me now,

345. I forgot all about them.

346. You're gross.

347. You know, it's funny.

348. I've gotten an awful

349. lot of writing done

350. at that very table.

351. You're a writer?

352. I like to consider

353. myself an observer.

354. You have nice breasts,

355. for instance.

356. You wanna join me?

357. A guy with glasses

358. can't be all bad.

359. Thanks. Boy, it's loud

360. in here, huh?

361. When they said

362. "Professor Griffin"

363. I barely heard them.

364. That's it.

365. I'm putting an end to this.

366. I'm gonna

367. destroy those glasses

368. if it's the last thing I do.

369. You should really check

370. out the Thanksgiving

371. jazz CD they sell here.

372. Where the hell are we?

373. I heard something.

374. Is someone else here?

375. Oh, my God,

376. it's hook-hand!

377. He's coming for us!

378. Damn it, why can't

379. I get any reception?

380. Because we're in a basement

381. in the middle of nowhere.

382. Besides,

383. if cell phones worked,

384. every movie would be

385. two minutes long.

386. Like An Affair to Remember.

387. Darling, I was running

388. to the Empire State

389. Building to see you,

390. but I got hit by a car.

391. No wonder you were late.

392. I'll be right down.

393. Are you okay?

394. I think I may be paralyzed.

395. I'm sorry, there's nobody

396. here by that name.

397. Wow, Stewie,

398. thanks for taking me

399. to the spa.

400. Hey, you deserve it,

401. buddy.

402. So just relax,

403. take your glasses off,

404. take a nice, dry sauna.

405. No glasses in the sauna,

406. just leave those puppies

407. in the locker.

408. They'll be safe

409. out here.

410. Sounds good.

411. Hey, you all mind if

412. I spits on the rocks?

413. Make it a little

414. steamy in here

415. for my spread-legged

416. stretchings?

417. Um, okay.

418. Come on, Chris.

419. Don't let me down.

420. Don't worry, Stewie.

421. Chris. What are you

422. doing in here?

423. I did it.

424. I locked us in the sauna.

425. You what?

426. Yup, it's all set.

427. It's turned up high,

428. and nobody is coming

429. for the whole weekend.

430. Boy, you guys

431. sure look steamed.

432. This Family Guy

433. joke was written by

434. Jimmy Sullivan,

435. age nine,

436. of Decatur, Georgia.

437. Thanks, Jimmy.

438. And we'll pass along

439. your gross request

440. to Mila Kunis.

441. Those footsteps

442. are getting closer.

443. Those aren't footsteps.

444. It's an old building.

445. Just relax.

446. Besides, I can see

447. an exit door right there.

448. Where?

449. Right there,

450. behind that guy

451. with the hook...

452. Everybody run!

453. Wait a minute.

454. There's four of us,

455. and one of him.

456. Yeah, let's get him.

457. Son of a bitch!

458. Take that!

459. Die, hook-hand!

460. You won't kill us!

461. Um, Hook-hand's name

462. is Albert, and he's

463. dressed like a janitor.

464. I've been

465. trying to help you.

466. I'm the caretaker here.

467. Wait, you work here?

468. But you have a hook hand.

469. I was a soldier.

470. I lost my hand saving

471. six men in Korea.

472. Oh, God,

473. he's a war hero.

474. He's dead.

475. What have we done?

476. We killed

477. an innocent man.

478. Well, if this doesn't

479. justify a McFlurry,

480. nothing does.

481. Oh, my God,

482. we killed an innocent man.

483. Now, look,

484. we gotta report this.

485. We gotta turn ourselves in.

486. No way. If we do that,

487. we'll all go to jail.

488. And I'm a cop.

489. Do you know what

490. they do to cops in jail?

491. Hey, man. When you

492. were a cop, did they

493. let you use the siren?

494. Yeah, it's part

495. of the job.

496. That's so cool.

497. Hey, hey, when

498. you were a cop,

499. when you were going

500. to a crime scene,

501. did you go,

502. "Chung-chung!"

503. Like Law & Order?

504. No, that would be

505. very unprofessional.

506. All right, all right.

507. Hey, check it out, man.

508. When you were a cop,

509. did you ever, you know,

510. use your handcuffs

511. when you were

512. getting kinky

513. with your girl?

514. No, it's city property,

515. so you're not really

516. supposed to take those home.

517. Oh, for sure, for sure.

518. Oh, hey, by the way,

519. a bunch of us

520. are gonna kill you

521. in the shower later.

522. Guys, before we lay

523. this former military

524. hero to rest,

525. does anybody want

526. to say something?

527. I do.

528. I didn't know

529. Albert very well,

530. but I know he masturbated

531. with his left hand.

532. Good night,

533. sweet prince.

534. Oh, because

535. of the hook.

536. Okay, so we're all on

537. the same page, right?

538. We bury the body,

539. we never speak of this again.

540. Deal.

541. Got it.

542. Yup.

543. Wow! That was exhausting.

544. Wait a minute,

545. is that his car?

546. Oh, crap,

547. it's still alive!

548. It does not feel

549. like a Wednesday.

550. What was that?

551. Who's there?

552. Lois, if you kill a guy,

553. does he come back

554. and haunt you?

555. Of course, Peter.

556. Now calm down and

557. go back to sleep.

558. Peter, I'm glad you're up.

559. I need to talk to you

560. about something.

561. I know what you

562. did last night.

563. You do?

564. How could you do

565. something so heinous?

566. Last night,

567. you left your dirty

568. dishes in the sink.

569. It's disgusting.

570. So I did half,

571. and I left the

572. other half for you.

573. Oh, forget it.

574. You'll just do it wrong.

575. I'll wash them myself.

576. Why don't you just

577. go in the other room

578. and relax?

579. I'll call you when

580. breakfast is ready.

581. Okay.

582. Oh, my God, Peter,

583. come look at the newspaper!

584. "Janitor dead."

585. What? No!

586. Right here.

587. My college roommate,

588. Jan Itter.

589. She passed away yesterday.

590. Are we really

591. doing this?

592. 'Cause I didn't get, like,

593. any sleep last night.

594. What are you

595. freaking out about?

596. You didn't even know her.

597. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

598. you're right,

599. you're right.

600. You and the guys

601. killed and buried a man?

602. I knew you'd find out!

603. Find out what?

604. I just got David

605. Sedaris' new book,

606. You and the Guys

607. Killed and Buried a Man.

608. Okay, I am really on edge

609. and this thing we're doing,

610. I'm not happy about it,

611. and that's a very odd title

612. for a humorist's book.

613. Peter,

614. you're acting very weird.

615. Just go in the other room.

616. I don't want to go

617. in the other room,

618. I want to stay here

619. and see what you're seeing,

620. because you're saying things

621. that I think are something

622. totally different

623. than what they are.

624. Peter, you're gonna

625. have a heart attack.

626. I won't say anything,

627. I'll let you relax.

628. They found

629. a body of a war hero

630. down by the old asylum!

631. Okay, that has

632. to be something.

633. Uh, sorry, Peter,

634. I'm just singing along

635. with this old

636. John Mellencamp song.

637. to write a movie

638. Cleveland and Joe

639. janitor war hero

640. I don't remember this one.

641. Guess it's never been

642. in a car commercial.

643. Oh, yeah, no,

644. I know this one.

645. Hey, Bri?

646. Yeah?

647. Damn it! Ahhh!

648. There's glass in my eye!

649. Son of a bitch!

650. Mom says

651. dinner's at 6:00.

652. She wanted me

653. to tell people,

654. I don't know why.

655. Guys, I'm kind of

656. freaking out about

657. killing that guy.

658. Anybody else have

659. a hard time sleeping?

660. No, but there's an old

661. John Mellencamp song

662. you're not gonna

663. fucking believe.

664. Wait, what's all this

665. stuff about you guys

666. killing someone?

667. Last night at the asylum,

668. we killed that war hero.

669. Whoa, whoa, what?

670. You really killed someone?

671. Holy moly, I don't think

672. I want to hear this.

673. Quagmire, you were

674. there with us.

675. You're so weird.

676. Last night,

677. I was in St. Louis.

678. I even have a picture.

679. See that?

680. That's yesterday's date

681. on that newspaper.

682. On The Quahog Informant?

683. They sell

684. The Quahog Informant

685. in St. Louis?

686. Well, probably,

687. but good luck

688. with that whole

689. "you three and not me

690. killed a guy" thing.

691. Damn it, that bastard

692. is bailing on us.

693. He's a worse accomplice

694. than Johnny Wind Chimes.

695. Hey. Shh!

696. Sorry, it's my chimes.

697. I hate to frame you

698. like this, Quagmire,

699. but I gotta.

700. I can't go to jail.

701. They'll razz me good

702. on account of my belly.

703. Cleveland?

704. What are you doing here?

705. What are you both

706. doing here?

707. Joe?

708. What the hell?

709. You backstabbers.

710. What the hell's

711. going on?

712. I'll tell you

713. what's going on.

714. Cleveland's trying

715. to frame me.

716. He's got my

717. miniature portraits

718. of cool guys.

719. Peter, those are

720. baseball cards.

721. Whatever. He's using it

722. to frame me for murder!

723. Well, I'm not

724. the only one.

725. Joe's got

726. my Sports Illustrated

727. football phone.

728. He was using this

729. as his main phone.

730. It is a mess over there.

731. Look at all you

732. pathetic people,

733. bringing stuff to

734. frame each other.

735. You're supposed

736. to be friends.

737. Hey, that's my shovel.

738. Damn right.

739. That's how smart I am,

740. I only had to bring one thing.

741. This way I can dig the hole

742. and just throw this in.

743. But once you

744. throw it in there,

745. how you gonna get

746. the dirt back on top?

747. Give me your shovel.

748. You're gonna have

749. to kill me first.

750. Not with my shovel.

751. That's brand new.

752. Give me back

753. my rattle-y plastic phone.

754. Wait, wait, wait, guys! Guys!

755. What?

756. Don't you see? This.

757. This is our

758. horror movie.

759. It doesn't feel

760. like a Wednesday.

761. Boy, that sucked.

762. Yeah, I guess writing

763. a movie isn't as easy

764. as Joseph Gordon-Levitt

765. makes it look.

766. Hey, at least

767. we gave it a shot.

768. I just feel bad

769. we killed an innocent man.

770. Well, don't feel too bad.

771. Look at that.

772. Oh, my God.

773. Wow! That's a relief.

774. We may have

775. actually made this

776. town a better place.

777. Yeah, what a monster.

778. But at least now

779. he's gone forever.