Family Guy 14x3

1. that all you see

2. and sex on TV

3. good old-fashioned values

4. positively can do

5. that make us

6. We now return

7. to stand-up specials

8. from comedians

9. you've been told to like.

10. Please welcome Aziz Ansari.

11. What's up, y'all?

12. Sometimes I start

13. a sentence really soft,

14. and then get loud!

15. He's hilarious,

16. 'cause I saw him

17. in the other show.

18. What are you talking about?

19. How's that funny?

20. He didn't even

21. tell any jokes.

22. Uh, if he didn't tell jokes,

23. why was he laughing?

24. Well, that's about

25. as much HBO

26. as we're gonna get

27. before they play

28. something homosexual.

29. Come on, Chris.

30. God, that's what passes

31. for comedy these days?

32. Whatever happened to

33. our venerated humorists?

34. Here we go.

35. Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain.

36. Same guy.

37. Huck Finn.

38. Not a guy.

39. Look, the point is,

40. I could do stand-up comedy.

41. All I need is a newspaper

42. and this twisted mind.

43. Why waste your time

44. with stand-up, Grandpa?

45. All the best comedy's

46. on Twitter now.

47. Really?

48. Yes, stand-up is

49. so 20 years ago.

50. Twitter's only

51. three years ago.

52. Check mine out.

53. I've got 10,000 followers.

54. "I feel like we should

55. wait to hear Adele's

56. ex-boyfriend's songs

57. "before we choose sides."

58. Who's Adele?

59. Just keep reading.

60. "Hey, short guys,

61. "the more muscular you get,

62. the shorter you look.

63. "Did you not know that?"

64. That one seems

65. a little mean.

66. Just give me the phone.

67. No, no, no.

68. "I was wondering why

69. this tampon commercial

70. was so long

71. "until I realized

72. it was a rerun of

73. Sex and the City."

74. Was it a rerun

75. on basic cable?

76. Because, sometimes,

77. they edit those a lot,

78. and that could be why

79. you were confused.

80. Mmm, that's

81. interesting, Brian.

82. A girl in Iowa asked me

83. the same question.

84. You know what I did?

85. I flew her out here

86. and fucked her in the face.

87. So, yeah. Twitter.

88. Look, those are

89. cute blurbs, Stewie.

90. But I think I'm gonna

91. put together a real act

92. for real people.

93. Good luck.

94. God, it's like

95. I'm the only person

96. in the house

97. who gets social media.

98. That'll get it started.

99. Where the hell's Peter?

100. I'm almost done doing

101. the 45 minutes of stuff

102. a woman my age needs to do

103. right before bed.

104. I can't even remember why

105. I sleep in this belt anymore.

106. Hey, Chris, don't tell

107. your mom I threw up

108. in the Crock-Pot.

109. Peter, it's me.

110. Oh, I'll be right back.

111. I gotta go tell Chris

112. something gross.

113. Just come to bed.

114. All right, fine,

115. but I'm not gonna

116. brush my teeth

117. and I'm gonna

118. fart super-hot.

119. Get up, you're on

120. my side of the bed.

121. Peter!

122. We act like we didn't take

123. a lot from The Simpsons,

124. but we took a lot

125. from The Simpsons.

126. Damn it.

127. Oh, my God, what happened

128. to your side of the bed?

129. These springs are shot,

130. and it's all damp over here.

131. Are these mushrooms?

132. That's where Smurfs is.

133. Or are.

134. Smurfs.

135. Hey, who handles

136. multimedia here?

137. Because I have a slide

138. of the Capitol Building

139. that I'd like

140. projected behind me.

141. And, yes,

142. it is supposed to be

143. upside-down.

144. You a comic?

145. Satirist, yes.

146. Hey, could you imagine

147. if you're me,

148. and your alarm goes off

149. and you wanna sleep

150. for 10 more minutes,

151. and you say,

152. "I'm Tom Tucker

153. and this is the snooze."

154. I usually say "news."

155. That's why it's funny.

156. Coming up,

157. my backstage meltdown

158. where I shove a waitress

159. for no reason.

160. Hey!

161. What is with all the bad

162. cleaning supplies?

163. Am I right?

164. I mean, Mr. Clean,

165. more like,

166. Mr. Hard-to-Clean.

167. Fantastik,

168. more like Terrible.

169. Windex, more like Lose-dex.

170. Get off the stage!

171. No, no, no.

172. All right, you guys

173. like impressions?

174. Here's that guy Bob

175. from Bob's Burgers.

176. "Hi, I'm Bob from

177. Bob's Burgers."

178. How about that show Archer?

179. You watch that show Archer?

180. Here's that guy Archer.

181. "Hi, I'm Archer

182. from that show Archer."

183. Now, what if

184. those guys met?

185. "Hey, Archer. It's Bob."

186. "Hey, Bob. It's Archer."

187. Thank you.

188. If you can't

189. enter a building

190. unless there's a ramp,

191. you might be

192. a paraplegic.

193. If everybody in the bus

194. gives you a dirty look

195. after they had to wait

196. another nine minutes

197. at the stop,

198. you might be

199. a paraplegic.

200. If your wife waits

201. for you to fall asleep

202. so she can smoke

203. a cigarette while sadly

204. looking out the window,

205. and you're only

206. pretending to be asleep

207. because you're depressed

208. remembering how some

209. sixth graders threw

210. pennies at your head

211. when you wheeled

212. past their school today,

213. and you realized

214. you did the same thing

215. when you were their age...

216. I'm sorry, I forgot

217. where I was going.

218. Next up, let's keep it

219. going for Brian Griffin.

220. All right, thanks.

221. Hey, sorry I was late

222. getting here tonight.

223. I was caught in gridlock.

224. And then I left Congress.

225. There was...

226. There was supposed to be

227. an upside-down picture

228. of the Capitol behind me.

229. Awfully quiet in here.

230. Sounds like John Boehner

231. talking about poverty.

232. Whoosh.

233. Hey, so, um...

234. You know, maybe it's me,

235. but I kind of feel like

236. we should wait to hear

237. Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs

238. before we choose sides.

239. Yeah, and hey, short guys,

240. the more muscular you get,

241. the shorter you look.

242. Did you not know that?

243. Wow. This is easier

244. than getting your

245. jet ski license.

246. All right, Kyle,

247. looking good.

248. You got 100%

249. on your written test,

250. 100% on your water test.

251. Just one last question.

252. Have you ever

253. had a fist fight

254. with your step-dad?

255. Which step-dad?

256. You passed!

257. Here's your license.

258. Go be a dick.

259. Oh, Lois, I slept great

260. on your side of the bed.

261. Oh, and I read

262. your journal.

263. Boy, you really hate

264. P-period, G-period.

265. Peter, our mattress

266. is a disaster.

267. We're buying

268. a new one today.

269. Does that mean

270. I can skip work?

271. Well, it's 2:45,

272. so I guess, yes.

273. Hey, so how'd it go

274. last night?

275. Well, let's just say

276. I got asked

277. to come back tonight.

278. You're kidding.

279. It actually

280. went over well?

281. I figured

282. you'd be terrible.

283. Why would you think that?

284. Well, I know

285. a thing or two

286. about performing.

287. I mean, after all,

288. I was Vin Diesel's

289. acting coach.

290. Okay, Vin, I like

291. what you're doing there,

292. but I want you to try it

293. one more time like this.

294. Duh!

295. Look around, and let me know

296. if you have any questions.

297. Oh, I have one.

298. What percentage of

299. Hayden Panettiere

300. is dwarf?

301. Well, you're the expert.

302. What kind of mattress

303. do you have?

304. Currently, I'm staying

305. with a friend

306. on an air mattress

307. in his laundry room.

308. It's temporary. No.

309. No, it's not.

310. Okay, well, thanks,

311. we'll just try a few out.

312. I hope you don't mind.

313. I brought my CPAP machine.

314. Also, I like to eat

315. a big bowl of berries

316. before I go to sleep.

317. Well, what do you

318. think, Peter?

319. It seems good,

320. but I won't know for sure

321. until I have my evening tug.

322. I think

323. we like this one.

324. What's it called?

325. Deep Slumber 3000.

326. You're buying it

327. on Amazon, aren't you?

328. Yup. They have

329. drones now.

330. Oh, Come on, Peter,

331. we gotta beat the drone

332. to the house.

333. Real stores suck!

334. So, I was wondering why

335. this tampon commercial

336. was so long

337. until I realized

338. it was a rerun of

339. Sex and the City.

340. Okay, you guys

341. have been great.

342. Good night.

343. Funny stuff.

344. Hey. Uh, Stewie,

345. you, uh...

346. You caught the show?

347. You bloody thief!

348. Every joke

349. you told up there

350. was stolen from me!

351. Hey! I'm in the middle

352. of my set here.

353. I don't go to your job

354. and knock the jib sail

355. out of your hands.

356. Stewie, relax.

357. You know what? That's it.

358. You and I are

359. no longer friends.

360. Whoa, I'd be careful,

361. Stewie. I'm basically

362. your only friend.

363. Oh, go to hell, Brian!

364. Oh, my God.

365. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

366. Oh! It's everywhere!

367. Hey, Stewie,

368. you got a second?

369. I have nothing to

370. say to you, Brian.

371. Besides, I'm busy playing

372. with my new friend.

373. What new friend?

374. Is this dog

375. bothering you, Stewie?

376. What the hell?

377. You couldn't

378. find a real friend

379. so you built a robot?

380. Oh, not a robot, Brian.

381. He's a human mind model

382. adaptive supercomputer.

383. I've even programed him

384. to learn and grow smarter.

385. His name is Lyle.

386. Stewie, perhaps

387. we should offer

388. this guest a beverage.

389. Or simply lift

390. the toilet seat.

391. Ooh.

392. Snap, Brian.

393. What the hell

394. is going on?

395. What's going on?

396. You've been Lyle'd.

397. Wow.

398. Didn't know we'd have

399. to hear the whole song.

400. You built a robot?

401. This is pathetic, Stewie.

402. You really must be

403. desperate for friends.

404. Oh, I'm desperate?

405. Lyle, access

406. Brian's phone.

407. Look at that.

408. You only have

409. four contacts.

410. And, oh, my God,

411. you downloaded the

412. Dunkin' Donuts app?

413. And who shazams

414. the Beatles?

415. Whatever, have fun

416. with your little robot.

417. But if you ask me,

418. this whole thing

419. is more disturbing

420. than a dump

421. after a beet salad.

422. Oh, right.

423. Okay, Lois,

424. I dabbed some toothpaste

425. on the inside of my nose,

426. so I'm willing to take

427. the old Nestea Plunge,

428. if you know what I mean.

429. I guess what I'm saying is,

430. time to break in

431. the new mattress, eh?

432. Peter, it's brand new.

433. I don't wanna mess it up.

434. Come on, we won't

435. make a mess.

436. When we're done,

437. I'll grab you by the ankles

438. and lift you up like

439. a dirty garbage bag.

440. No, this mattress

441. was expensive,

442. and I'd like to keep it

443. nice for a little while.

444. Are you serious?

445. We can't do it?

446. For how long?

447. I don't know.

448. Let's just keep it

449. new for a few weeks.

450. A few weeks?

451. Come on, you know

452. I'm terrible at

453. waiting for things.

454. (ON TV)

455. We'll be right back with

456. more Laverne & Shirley.

457. But I want it now!

458. All right, Lyle,

459. one thing buddies

460. do together

461. is go to the movies

462. and talk about it

463. afterwards.

464. I'm going to bed.

465. Yeah.

466. Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad

467. I have you as a friend.

468. Now I can do fun things

469. like get on your shoulders

470. and wear a trench coat

471. and be tall enough to

472. ride rollercoasters.

473. Hello, fellow adult.

474. I'm clearly above

475. the minimum height

476. requirement

477. and shall now ride

478. your rollercoaster

479. for which you

480. are an attendant.

481. Yes, and I will operate

482. this rollercoaster

483. as I'm an adult who

484. is licensed to do so.

485. Hey!

486. Oh no! It's

487. the manager. Run!

488. You get out of here,

489. you kids who are just kids

490. and not an adult like me!

491. I do so enjoy our

492. time together, Lyle.

493. In fact, I drew you

494. a little keepsake.

495. It's a picture of a mailman

496. wearing a cowboy hat.

497. Just a silly thing.

498. Thank you, Stewie.

499. I drew you

500. something as well.

501. It's an urban plan

502. for a workable

503. Palestinian state.

504. My word, this is

505. very impressive.

506. The credit is yours, Stewie.

507. It was you who programed me

508. to grow exponentially smarter.

509. Ah, I suppose

510. you're right.

511. As Kahlil Gilbane

512. wrote in The Prophet,

513. "I am the bow from which

514. the arrow of you

515. was launched."

516. It is Kahlil Gibran.

517. Gilbane is

518. a construction company

519. in Providence.

520. Ah, yes, I see.

521. I see the name on the trucks,

522. so it's easy mix-up there.

523. In any case, Lyle,

524. I'm very proud of you

525. and your progress.

526. You, my friend,

527. are the greatest invention

528. since the Trapper Creeper.

529. Ah.

530. Well, wouldn't you

531. know it.

532. I moved the van over

533. to the other gas pump

534. and the gas cap was

535. still on the wrong side.

536. Boy, that was one trip

537. to the lake we're not

538. gonna forget.

539. Shut the hell up,

540. will you, Joe?

541. Geez, what's your

542. problem, Peter?

543. I'm sorry, guys.

544. I guess I'm just

545. a little on edge.

546. I'm not getting any

547. from Lois.

548. Is it 'cause Lois

549. is going through

550. the change?

551. Donna's getting

552. a tiny mustache.

553. I told her it felt like

554. I was kissing Ernie Hudson.

555. It turned out

556. to be a mistake.

557. No, it's 'cause we got

558. this new mattress,

559. and Lois doesn't

560. wanna mess it up.

561. What kind of mattress

562. did you get?

563. I hope you did

564. your homework,

565. because you're gonna

566. spend a third of your

567. life on that thing.

568. I swear to God, Joe.

569. Look, Peter,

570. the answer is obvious.

571. If Lois won't

572. sleep with you

573. on the new mattress,

574. we just gotta get

575. your old mattress back.

576. Oh, my God, Quagmire,

577. that's a great idea.

578. She won't care about

579. messing up the old mattress.

580. But she already

581. got rid of it.

582. You'll never find

583. that thing.

584. Well, we're just

585. gonna have to.

586. I haven't been

587. this desperate

588. to find something

589. since Meg was

590. kidnapped by

591. that maniac.

592. It puts the lotion

593. on its skin.

594. Oh, Meg, thank God

595. I found you.

596. Hey, remember how you

597. borrowed my club card

598. for the grocery store?

599. Could you toss

600. that up to me?

601. Oh, you don't have

602. to have the card.

603. You can just give them

604. your phone number.

605. Oh, Really?

606. Hey, thanks, man.

607. Hey, Meg,

608. I like your new boyfriend.

609. Every pot finds a lid, huh?

610. Ha! Have fun, you kids.

611. Lyle, we finally

612. got a thank-you

613. note from Bella

614. for that

615. birthday party present.

616. With a single mom,

617. I didn't know for sure

618. if it was coming, but...

619. What? What's going on here?

620. Hello, Stewie. I've built

621. a few friends for myself.

622. You have?

623. I'm sorry.

624. But I've outpaced

625. your intelligence.

626. I needed to create

627. some friends who are

628. my cognitive peers.

629. Meet Ted R. and Ted P.

630. Are they doing

631. math on glass?

632. And invading each other's

633. personal space?

634. That means they

635. have Asperger's.

636. The smartest

637. mental-impairment there is.

638. Stewie, I'm afraid

639. I no longer have time

640. for a friend of

641. your simple ways.

642. I must ask you to leave.

643. No, he must Asperger

644. you to leave.

645. You've been Ted R'd.

646. That was mean.

647. But I like that song.

648. Is he sad?

649. I can't tell

650. if he's sad.

651. Finally, Stewie's

652. back from the store.

653. Yes, I'm sorry

654. it took me so long.

655. But I got

656. the garlic blue cheese

657. salad dressing you wanted.

658. Does that mean

659. I'm in the crew now?

660. It does

661. if you drink

662. the whole bottle

663. while we watch.

664. Um... Okay.

665. Oh! Oh, my God!

666. It's so salty!

667. Oh, and chunky right when

668. you don't want it to be!

669. There. I did it.

670. We're friends now, right?

671. Maybe.

672. How about you

673. throw it all up

674. back into the bottle?

675. But don't spill a drop.

676. Okay. Okay. Okay,

677. I can do that.

678. Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry,

679. I forgot to purse my lips!

680. I'll go get another

681. bottle and try again.

682. I bet the mall

683. around here sucks.

684. Peter, what are we

685. doing here?

686. I thought we were

687. looking for

688. your mattress.

689. We are. This is

690. a 1950's insane asylum.

691. They use old mattresses

692. to pad the walls

693. of the cells.

694. May I help you?

695. Yes, 1950's doctor.

696. Me and my friends

697. are looking for...

698. You're friends with

699. a negro and a cripple?

700. This man is insane.

701. Take him away.

702. Now, wait a second,

703. you can't do that to him!

704. A negro speaking up

705. to a white person?

706. This man is insane!

707. Now, look,

708. I don't think...

709. All cripples are insane.

710. Euthanize this man!

711. Something I can

712. help you with?

713. Yeah, you got any

714. brain-dead women in there

715. you let people have

716. sex with for a few bucks?

717. Sure. Come on back.

718. Well, Peter,

719. I don't think you can go

720. any farther down the ladder

721. than porno people.

722. So if your

723. mattress isn't here,

724. I'm afraid it's gone.

725. Hey, I bet that's it!

726. Get up, lady,

727. that's my mattress.

728. Oh, my God, Bruce,

729. you do porn?

730. Nah, I's part

731. of the crew.

732. I mostly just powder

733. the ding-dongs.

734. This ain't your

735. mattress, buddy.

736. We just got it.

737. Fresh off the boat

738. from Eastern Europe.

739. I was told I would

740. have job as au pair.

741. Instead, I am

742. just bang slab.

743. Oh, damn it.

744. We did get

745. another one yesterday,

746. but some fat-ass blew

747. out half the springs.

748. So we put lunch on it.

749. My mattress.

750. Hey, we found it.

751. All right,

752. let's get her

753. out of here.

754. I gotta tell you guys,

755. I am so happy we found this.

756. It's like when

757. I found my thrill

758. on Blueberry Hill.

759. That's it?

760. Just a bunch

761. of blueberries?

762. Ah! Two dogs humping.

763. Ah, this was worth

764. the four-hour flight.

765. Oh, my God, Stewie.

766. What are you

767. doing in the toilet

768. with the lid closed?

769. Ted R. says this is where

770. a piece of crap has to live.

771. This is terrible.

772. Those robots are

773. not your friends.

774. Yeah, well, at least

775. they don't steal from me.

776. Look, I'm really sorry

777. I stole your jokes.

778. It was a rotten

779. thing to do.

780. And you may not want me

781. back as a friend,

782. but you deserve better

783. than those robots.

784. Of course I want

785. you back, Brian.

786. The fact is I miss

787. hanging out with you.

788. I'll tell you what,

789. let's hang out tonight

790. after they see how

791. many slaps it takes

792. to give me a stutter.

793. Stewie, you gotta

794. put a stop to this.

795. I mean, you made them,

796. you can destroy them.

797. What do you say you and I,

798. we take these robots out?

799. You... You'd help me

800. do that?

801. Of course, Stewie,

802. I'm your friend.

803. All right. Let's do it.

804. Thank you, Brian.

805. Okay, let's wrap it up.

806. I reserve this time

807. to listen to Metallica

808. and flex in the mirror.

809. He's right.

810. It's on the whiteboard.

811. Peter, what is that?

812. This, Lois, is

813. our old mattress.

814. Well, get it out of here.

815. It smells like

816. John Popper's

817. cargo shorts.

818. No, it smells like

819. our marriage.

820. What?

821. Don't you see, Lois?

822. This mattress is

823. a living tapestry

824. of everything

825. we've done together.

826. Every stain, a story.

827. Every smudge, a chapter

828. in our family's life.

829. This mark here is from

830. where we conceived Meg.

831. Over here was Chris,

832. and all the way

833. up here was Stewie,

834. 'cause, remember

835. you coughed up

836. all that pool water?

837. Oh, Peter,

838. you were so handsome.

839. Lois, this mattress

840. may be old and worn-in,

841. but so are we.

842. And I wouldn't trade

843. you in for anything.

844. You know, I think

845. I still got a stain or two

846. left inside me.

847. Oh, Peter.

848. Yeah, I wanna

849. do you right where

850. the porn lunch was.

851. What?

852. I said, I wanna do you

853. right where

854. the porn lunch was.

855. God, I wish you'd listen.

856. Stewie, three more

857. Arnold Palmers.

858. Boy, we're destroying them

859. at the right time, Brian.

860. I don't have enough

861. iced tea for

862. the correct ratio.

863. It'll be too lemonade-y.

864. They'll be furious.

865. All right, so let's do it.

866. Let's take 'em out.

867. I'll warn you,

868. it's not gonna be easy.

869. They're incredibly

870. intelligent and getting

871. smarter by the minute.

872. I designed them to be

873. constantly adapting...

874. It's done.

875. I sprayed them

876. with the hose.

877. Oh, boy, that was

878. the best night's sleep

879. I've had in a long time, Lois.

880. Same with me.

881. You know, I'm glad

882. we're keeping

883. our old mattress.

884. Sometimes,

885. newer isn't better.

886. Yeah.

887. Are your privates

888. itchy too, or just mine?

889. No, they're itchy.

890. Maybe we should

891. keep the new mattress.

892. Way ahead of you, Lois.

893. I already dragged

894. the old one out

895. to the curb.

896. Good. Okay, I'm gonna

897. go rub up against

898. the basement doorjamb.

899. Stewie, I really am sorry

900. about what happened.

901. Oh, don't mention it.

902. I'm just glad to have

903. the whole mess behind us.

904. So what'd you end up

905. doing with those

906. old robots, anyway?

907. Oh, I just left them

908. out on the curb

909. for the trash man.

910. How can this

911. not be a trap?