1. We now return to
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2. Stand-Up Specials
from Comedians
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3. You've Been Told to Like.
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4. Please welcome Aziz Ansari!
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5. What's up, y'all?
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6. Sometimes I start a sentence
really soft
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7. and then get loud!
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8. He's hilarious
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9. 'cause I saw him
in a other show.
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10. What are you
talking about?
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11. How is that funny?
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12. He didn't even
tell any jokes.
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13. Uh, if he didn't tell jokes,
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14. why was he laughing?
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15. Well, that's about as much HBO
as we're gonna get
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16. before they play
something homosexual.
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17. Come on, Chris.
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18. God, that's what passes
for comedy these days?
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19. What ever happened to
our venerated humorists?
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20. Here we go.
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21. Samuel Clemens,
Mark Twain.
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22. Same guy.
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23. Huck Finn.
Not a guy.
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24. Look, the point is,
I could do stand-up comedy.
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25. All I'd need is a newspaper
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26. and this twisted mind.
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27. Why waste your time
with stand-up, grandpa?
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28. All the best comedy
is on Twitter now.
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29. Really?
Yeah.
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30. Stand-up is so
20 years ago.
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31. Twitter's only
three years ago.
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32. Check mine out.
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33. I've got 10,000
followers.
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34. "I feel like we
should wait to hear
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35. "Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs
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36. before we choose sides."
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37. Who's Adele?
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38. Just keep reading.
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39. "Hey, short guys,
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40. "the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.
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41. Did you not know that?"
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42. Well, that one
seems a little mean.
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43. Just give me the phone.
No, no.
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44. "I was wondering why this
tampon commercial was so long
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45. until I realized it was
are-run of Sex and the City."
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46. Was it are-run
on basic cable,
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47. because sometimes
they edit those a lot
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48. and that could be
why you were confused?
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49. Hmm, that's
interesting, Brian.
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50. A girl in Iowa asked me
the same question.
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51. You know what I did?
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52. I flew her out here
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53. and her
in the face.
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54. So, yeah...
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55. Twitter.
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56. Look, those are
cute blurbs, Stewie,
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57. but I-I think I'm
gonna put together
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58. a real act
for real people.
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59. Good luck.
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60. God, it's like
I'm the only person in the house
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61. who gets social media.
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62. That'll get it started.
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63. Where the
hell's Peter?
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64. I'm almost done doing
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65. the 45 minutes of stuff
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66. a woman my age
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67. needs to do
right before bed.
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68. I can't even remember
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69. why I sleep
in this belt anymore.
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70. Hey, Chris,
don't tell your mom
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71. I threw up
in the Crock-Pot.
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72. Peter, it's me.
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73. Oh.
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74. Uh, I'll be right back.
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75. I gotta go tell Chris
somethin' gross.
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76. Just come to bed.
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77. All right, fine,
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78. but I'm not gonna
brush my teeth
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79. and I'm gonna
fart super hot.
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80. Get up.
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81. You're on my side
of the bed.
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82. Peter!
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83. We act like we didn't take
a lot from The Simpsons,
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84. but we took a lot
from The Simpsons.
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85. Damn it.
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86. Oh, my God, what happened
to your side of the bed?
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87. These springs are shot.
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88. And it's all damp
over here!
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89. Are... are these
mushrooms?
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90. That's where Smurfs is.
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91. Er, are. Uh...
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92. Smurves.
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93. Uh, hey, who handles
multimedia here?
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94. Because, uh, I have a slide
of the Capitol building
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95. that I'd like
projected behind me.
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96. And, yes, it is supposed
to be upside-down.
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97. You a comic?
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98. Satirist, yes.
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99. What is with all the bad
cleaning supplies, am I right?
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100. I mean, Mr. Clean?
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101. More like Mr. Hard-to-Clean.
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102. Fantastik?
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103. More like terrible.
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104. Windex?
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105. More like Lose-Dex.
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106. Get off the stage!
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107. No, no, no.
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108. All right, you guys like impressions?
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109. Here's that guy Bob
from Bob's Burgers.
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110. Hi, I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers.
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111. How 'bout that show Archer?
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112. You watch that show Archer?
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113. Here's that guy Archer.
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114. Hi, I'm Archer,
from that show Archer.
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115. Now, what if those guys met?
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116. "Hey, Archer, it's Bob."
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117. "Hey, Bob, it's Archer."
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118. Thank you.
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119. Next up, let's keep it going
for Brian Griffin.
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120. All right, thanks.
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121. Hey, sorry I was late
getting here tonight,
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122. I was caught in gridlock.
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123. And then I left Congress.
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124. There was...
there was supposed to be
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125. an upside-down picture
of the Capitol behind me.
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126. Boy, awfully quiet in here.
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127. Sounds like John Boehner
talking about poverty.
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128. Whoosh.
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129. Hey, so, um...
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130. you know, maybe it's me,
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131. but I kind of feel like
we should wait
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132. to hear Adele's
ex-boyfriend's songs
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133. before we choose sides.
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134. Yeah, and... and...
and hey, short guys,
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135. the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.
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136. Did you not know that?
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137. Wow.
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138. This is easier than getting
your Jet Ski license.
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139. All right, Kyle,
lookin' good.
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140. You got 100% on
your written test,
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141. 100% on your
water test.
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142. Just one last question.
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143. Have you ever had a fistfight
with your stepdad?
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144. Which stepdad?
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145. You passed!
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146. Here's your license.
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147. Go be a dick.
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148. Oh, Lois, I slept great
on your side of the bed.
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149. Oh, and I read your journal.
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150. Boy, you really hate
"P-period G-period."
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151. Peter, our mattress
is a disaster.
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152. We're buying
a new one today.
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153. Does that mean
I can skip work?
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154. Well, it's 2:45,
so I guess yes.
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155. Hey.
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156. So, how'd it go
last night?
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157. Well, let's just say
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158. I got asked
to come back tonight.
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159. You're kidding.
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160. It actually
went over well?
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161. I figured
you'd be terrible.
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162. Why would you think that?
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163. Well, I know a thing
or two about performing.
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164. I mean, after all, I was
Vin Diesel's acting coach.
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165. Okay, Vin, I like
what you're doing there,
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166. but I want you to try it
one more time, like this:
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167. "Duh!"
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168. Look around, and let me know
if you have any questions.
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169. Oh, I have one.
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170. What percentage of
Hayden Panettiere is dwarf?
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171. Well, you're
the expert.
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172. What kind of mattress
do you have?
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173. Currently, I'm staying
with a friend,
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174. on an air mattress
in his laundry room.
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175. It's temporary.
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176. No, it's not.
No.
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177. Okay, well, thanks,
we'll just try a few out.
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178. I hope you don't mind,
I brought my CPAP machine.
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179. Also, I like to eat
a big bowl of berries
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180. before I go to sleep.
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181. Well, what do
you think, Peter?
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182. Well, it seems good,
but I won't know for sure
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183. until I have
my evening tug.
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184. I think we
like this one.
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185. W-What's it called?
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186. Deep Slumber 3000.
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187. You're buying it on Amazon,
aren't you?
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188. Yup.
They have drones now.
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189. Oh, come on, Peter,
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190. we gotta beat the
drone to the house!
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191. Real stores suck!
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192. So I was wondering why this
tampon commercial was so long,
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193. until I realized it was
are-run of Sex and the City.
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194. Okay, you guys have been great.
Good night.
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195. Funny stuff.
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196. Hey, uh...
Stewie!
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197. You, uh, you
caught the show?
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198. You bloody thief!
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199. Every joke you told up there
was stolen from me!
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200. Stewie, relax.
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201. You know what?
That's it!
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202. You and I are
no longer friends!
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203. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
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204. Oh, it's
everywhere!
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205. Hey, Stewie,
you got a second?
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206. I have nothing to
say to you, Brian.
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207. Besides, I'm busy playing
with my new friend.
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208. What new friend?
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209. Is this dog
bothering you, Stewie?
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210. What the hell?
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211. You couldn't find
a real friend
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212. so you built a robot?
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213. Oh, not a robot, Brian.
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214. He's a human mind model
adaptive super computer.
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215. I've even programmed him
to learn and grow smarter.
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216. His name is Lyle.
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217. Stewie, perhaps
we should offer
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218. this guest
a beverage.
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219. Or simply lift
the toilet seat.
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220. Ooh! Snap, Brian!
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221. What the hell's
going on?
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222. What's going on?
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223. You've been "Lyle'd"!
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224. Wow.
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225. Didn't know we'd have
to hear the whole song.
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226. You built a robot?
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227. This is pathetic,
Stewie.
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228. You ally must be
desperate for friends.
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229. Oh, I'm desperate?
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230. Lyle, access
Brian's phone.
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231. Look at that,
you only have four contacts.
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232. And... oh, my God,
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233. you downloaded
the Dunkin' Donuts app?
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234. And who Shazams the Beatles?
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235. Whatever.
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236. Have fun with
your little robot.
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237. But if you ask me, this whole
thing is more disturbing
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238. than a dump
after a beet salad.
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239. Oh, right.
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240. Okay, Lois, I dabbed
some toothpaste
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241. on the inside
of my nose, so...
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242. I am willing to take
the old "Nestea plunge,"
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243. if you know
what I mean.
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244. I guess what
I'm saying is,
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245. time to break in
the new mattress, eh?
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246. Peter, it's brand-new.
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247. I don't want
to mess it up.
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248. Come on, we won't
make a mess.
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249. When we're done,
I'll grab you by the ankles
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250. and lift you up
like a dirty garbage bag.
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251. No!
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252. This mattress
was expensive,
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253. and I'd like to keep it nice
for a little while.
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254. Are you serious?
We can't do it?
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255. For how long?
I don't know.
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256. L-Let's just keep it new
for a few weeks.
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257. A few weeks?
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258. Come on, you know
I'm terrible
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259. at waiting for things.
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260. We'll be right back with more
Laverne & Shirley.
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261. But I want it now!
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262. All right, Lyle, one thing
buddies do together
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263. is go to the movies and
talk about it afterwards.
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264. I'm going to bed.
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265. Yeah.
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266. Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad
I have you as a friend.
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267. Now I can do fun things
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268. like get on your shoulders
and wear a trench coat
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269. and be tall enough
to ride roller coasters.
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270. Hello, fellow adult.
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271. I am clearly above
the minimum height requirement
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272. and shall now ride
your roller coaster,
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273. for which you are an attendant.
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274. Yes, and I will operate
this roller coaster,
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275. as I am an adult who
is licensed to do so.
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276. Hey!
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277. Oh, no!
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278. It's the manager.
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279. Run!
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280. You get out of here,
you kids who are just kids
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281. and not an adult like me!
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282. I do so enjoy
our time together, Lyle.
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283. In fact, I drew you
a little keepsake.
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284. It's a picture of a mailman
wearing a cowboy hat.
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285. Just a silly thing.
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286. Thank you, Stewie.
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287. I drew you
something as well.
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288. It's an urban plan for a
workable Palestinian state.
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289. My word, this is
very impressive.
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290. The credit is yours, Stewie.
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291. It was you who programmed me
to grow exponentially smarter.
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292. Ah, I suppose
you're right.
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293. As Kahlil Gilbane wrote
in The Prophet,
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294. "I am the bow from which
the arrow of you was launched."
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295. It is Kahlil Gibran.
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296. "Gilbane" is a construction
company in Providence.
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297. Ah, yes, I see... I see
the-the name on the trucks.
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298. So it's ea... um,
easy mix up there.
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299. In any case, Lyle, I'm very
proud of you and your progress.
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300. You, my friend, are
the greatest invention
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301. since the Trapper Creeper.
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302. Ah...
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303. Um, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
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304. Well, wouldn't
you know it,
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305. I moved the van over
to the other gas pump,
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306. and the gas cap was
still on the wrong side.
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307. Boy, that was one trip to the
lake we're not gonna forget.
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308. Shut the hell up,
will you, Joe?
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309. Geez, what's your
problem, Peter?
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310. I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess
I'm just a little on edge.
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311. I'm not getting any
from Lois.
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312. Is it 'cause Lois is
going through the change?
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313. Donna's getting
a tiny mustache.
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314. I told her it felt like I
was kissing Ernie Hudson.
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315. That turned out
to be a mistake.
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316. No, no, it's 'cause we got
this new mattress,
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317. and Lois doesn't want
to mess it up.
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318. What kind of mattress
did you get?
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319. I hope you did your homework,
because you're gonna spend
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320. a third of your
life on that thing.
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321. I swear to God, Joe...
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322. Look, Peter, the
answer is obvious.
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323. If Lois won't sleep with
you on the new mattress,
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324. we just got to get
your old mattress back.
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325. Oh, my God, Quagmire,
that's a great idea.
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326. She won't care about messing up
the old mattress.
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327. But you already
got rid of it.
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328. You'll never
find that thing.
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329. Well, we're just
gonna have to.
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330. Man, I haven't been this
desperate to find something
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331. since Meg was kidnapped
by that maniac.
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332. It puts the lotion
on its skin.
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333. Oh, Meg, thank
God I found you.
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334. Hey, remember
how you borrowed
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335. my club card for
the grocery store?
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336. Could you toss
that up to me?
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337. Oh, you don't have
to have the card.
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338. You can just give them
your phone number.
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339. Oh, really?
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340. Hey, thanks, man.
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341. Hey, Meg, I like
your new boyfriend.
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342. Every pot finds
a lid, huh?
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343. Have fun, you kids.
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344. Lyle, we finally got
a thank you note from Bella
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345. for that birthday party present.
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346. With a single mom,
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347. I didn't know for sure
if it was coming, but...
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348. What... what's
going on here?
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349. Hello, Stewie.
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350. I've built a few friends
for myself.
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351. You have?
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352. I'm sorry,
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353. but I've outpaced
your intelligence.
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354. I needed to create some friends
who are my cognitive peers.
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355. Meet Ted R. and Ted P.
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356. Are they doing math
on glass?
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357. And invading each other's
personal space?
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358. That means they have
Asperger's,
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359. the smartest mental
impairment there is.
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360. Stewie, I'm afraid I
no longer have time
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361. for a friend of
your simple ways.
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362. I must ask you to leave.
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363. No, he must Asperger
you to leave.
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364. Ho-ho. You've
been "Ted R.'d."
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365. That was mean.
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366. But I like that song.
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367. Is he sad?
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368. I can't tell
if he's sad.
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369. Finally, Stewie's
back from the store.
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370. Yes, I'm sorry it
took me so long.
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371. But I got the garlic blue cheese
salad dressing you wanted.
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372. Does that mean I'm
in the crew now?
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373. It does if you drink
the whole bottle while we watch.
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374. Um, okay.
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375. Oh...
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376. Oh, my God.
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377. It's so salty.
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378. Oh, and chunky right when
you don't want it to be.
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379. There, I did it.
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380. We're friends
now, right?
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381. Maybe.
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382. How about you throw it all up
back into the bottle?
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383. But don't spill a drop.
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384. Okay, okay..
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385. Okay, I can do that.
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386. Oh, I'm sorry!
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387. I'm sorry, I forgot
to purse my lips.
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388. I'll go get another
bottle and try again.
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389. I bet the mall
around here sucks.
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390. Peter, what are we
doing here?
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391. I thought we were looking
for your mattress.
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392. We are, this is a
1950s insane asylum.
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393. They use old mattresses to
pad the walls of the cells.
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394. May I help you?
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395. Yes, 1950s doctor, me and
my friends are looking for...
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396. You're friends with a
Negro and a cripple?
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397. This man is insane.
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398. Take him away.
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399. Now wait a second,
you can't do that to...
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400. A Negro speaking up
to a white person?
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401. This man is insane.
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402. Now look,
I don't think...
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403. All cripples
are insane.
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404. Euthanize this man.
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405. Something I can
help you with?
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406. Yeah, you got any
brain-dead women in there
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407. you let people have sex with
for a few bucks?
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408. Sure, come on back.
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409. Well, Peter, I don't think
you can go any farther
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410. down the ladder
than porno people.
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411. So if your mattress isn't
here, I'm afraid it's gone.
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412. Hey, I bet that's it.
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413. Get up, lady,
that's my mattress.
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414. Oh, my God, Bruce,
you do porn?
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415. Nah, I's part
of the crew.
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416. I mostly just powder
the ding-dongs.
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417. This ain't your
mattress, buddy.
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418. We just got it, fresh off
the boat from Eastern Europe.
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419. I was told
I would have job as Au pair.
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420. Instead I am just bang slab.
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421. Ah, damn it.
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422. We did get another
one yesterday,
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423. but some fat-ass blew
out half the springs,
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424. so we put lunch on it.
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425. My mattress.
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426. Hey, we found it.
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427. All right, let's get her
out of here.
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428. I got to tell you guys,
I am so happy we found this.
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429. It's like when I found
my thrill on Blueberry Hill.
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430. That's it?
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431. It's just a bunch
of blueberries?
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432. Ah, two dogs humping.
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433. Ah, this was worth
the four-hour flight.
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434. Oh, my God, Stewie.
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435. What are you doing in the toilet
with the lid closed?
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436. Ted R. says this is where
a piece of crap has to live.
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437. This is terrible.
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438. Those robots are not
your friends.
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439. Yeah, well, at least they
don't steal from me.
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440. Look, I'm really sorry
I stole your jokes.
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441. It was a rotten
thing to do.
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442. You may not want me
back as a friend,
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443. but you deserve better
than those robots.
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444. Of course I want
you back, Brian.
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445. The fact is— I miss
hanging out with you.
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446. I'll tell you what,
let's hang out tonight
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447. after they see how many slaps
it takes to give me a stutter.
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448. Utewie, you got to put
a stop to this.
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449. I mean, you made them—
you can destroy them.
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450. What do you say you and I,
we take these robots out?
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451. You'd... you'd help me do that?
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452. Of course, Stewie,
I'm your friend.
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453. All right,
let's do it.
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454. Thank you, Brian.
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455. Okay, let's wrap it up.
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456. I reserved this time
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457. to listen to Metallica
and flex in the mirror.
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458. He's right; it's
on the whiteboard.
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459. Peter, what is that?
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460. This, Lois, is
our old mattress.
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461. Well, get it out of here.
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462. It smells like
John Popper's cargo shorts.
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463. No, it smells
like our marriage.
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464. What?
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465. Don't you see, Lois?
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466. This mattress is
a living tapestry
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467. of everything we've
done together.
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468. Every stain, a story.
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469. Every smudge, a chapter
in our family's life.
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470. This mark here is from
where we conceived Meg.
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471. Over here was Chris.
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472. And all the way up
here was Stewie,
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473. 'cause, remember, you coughed
up all that pool water?
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474. Oh, Peter,
you were so handsome.
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475. Lois, this mattress may be old
and worn-in, but so are we.
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476. And I wouldn't trade
you in for anything.
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477. You know, I, uh, think
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478. I still got a stain
or two left inside me.
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479. Oh, Peter.
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480. Yeah, I want to do you
right where the porn lunch was.
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481. What?
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482. I said, I want to do you
right where the porn lunch was.
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483. God, I wish you'd listen.
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484. Stewie, three more
Arnold Palmers.
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485. Boy, we're destroying them
at the right time, Brian.
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486. I don't have enough iced
tea for the correct ratio.
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487. It'll be too lemonade-y.
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488. They'll be furious.
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489. All right,
so let's do it.
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490. Let's take 'em out.
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491. I'll warn you,
it's not gonna be easy.
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492. They're incredibly intelligent
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493. and getting smarter
by the minute.
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494. I designed them to be
constantly adapting...
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495. It's done, I sprayed 'em
with the hose.
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496. Ah, boy, that was
the best night's sleep
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497. I've had
in a long time, Lois.
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498. Same with me.
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499. You know, I'm glad we're
keeping our old mattress.
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500. Sometimes newer
isn't better.
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501. Yeah.
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502. Are your privates itchy, too,
or just mine?
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503. No, they're itchy.
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504. Maybe we should keep
the new mattress.
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505. Way ahead of you, Lois.
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506. I already dragged
the old one out to the curb.
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507. Good. Okay, I'm gonna go rub up
against the basement doorjamb.
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508. Stewie, I really am sorry
about what happened.
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509. Oh, don't mention it.
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510. I'm just glad to have
the whole mess behind us.
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511. So what'd you end up doing
with those old robots anyway?
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512. I just left them out
on the curb for the trash man.
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513. How can this
not be a trap?
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