Family Guy 14x20

1. What are you doing

2. over there?

3. I'm on hold

4. with tech support.

5. My computer locked

6. up right in the middle

7. of the story I'm working on.

8. God. Even Microsoft Word

9. hates your writing.

10. Thank you for holding.

11. How can I help you?

12. Well, for starters,

13. you can keep talking

14. with that lovely accent.

15. Amazing. One second

16. of a stranger's voice

17. on a phone and

18. you've got full Bollywood.

19. I... I assume

20. she's in India.

21. Your friend is correct.

22. I am in India.

23. But you sound like

24. a perfect gentleman to me.

25. My name is Padma.

26. Padma?

27. That was my mother's name.

28. I'm gonna get

29. an English muffin.

30. So what seems

31. to be the problem?

32. Well, one problem I have

33. is that I have too much money.

34. Then why don't you

35. just buy a new computer?

36. What? I...

37. Oh, I am just

38. bursting your balls.

39. Well, you're a feisty one.

40. Uh, actually,

41. my computer froze right

42. in the middle of

43. a story I'm writing.

44. Oh, you are a writer?

45. Are you famous?

46. By choice, no. No.

47. Sometimes, fame brings

48. a lot of unwanted attention.

49. I mean,

50. look at William Shakespeare.

51. William Shakespeare.

52. Aye.

53. Nice collar,

54. you fruit.

55. Thank ye.

56. Hey, Shakespeare,

57. what's the title of

58. your next play?

59. You should call it

60. "Homosexual Collar Guy."

61. Ah. Thy japes and jabs cut

62. me to the quick, squire.

63. What does that

64. even mean?

65. I know.

66. It means,

67. "I use this collar as a bib

68. for when I service guys."

69. Thank ye. Thank ye.

70. So, how did you

71. like the collar?

72. 'Tis not for me.

73. There's no one there.

74. Must have been

75. some kids knocking.

76. Down here, Lois.

77. Oh!

78. For God's sake, Joe.

79. Can't you put

80. a tall flag on the back

81. of your chair or something?

82. I apologize for the difficulty

83. my paralysis causes you.

84. Hey, Peter. Good news.

85. Bonnie's out of town,

86. so I have an extra

87. ticket for Tuesday night bingo

88. down at the Allendale Mill.

89. Why the hell would I

90. want to go to bingo?

91. Oh, it's a blast.

92. There's the thrill

93. of the game.

94. People bring snacks.

95. Plus, you'll hear

96. some pretty unfiltered

97. opinions about those

98. jokers in Washington.

99. Yeah, that sounds

100. perfectly terrible.

101. You know what, Joe.

102. Peter would love

103. to go with you.

104. What?

105. Terrific.

106. I'll pick you up at 6:00.

107. What did you do that for?

108. Peter, he's your friend.

109. And who knows?

110. It might be fun.

111. All right, I'll go.

112. But I'm not happy.

113. You know how much

114. I hate being told

115. what to do.

116. You know, Padma.

117. I love Indian food.

118. But I'd have to say

119. my least favorite curry

120. is Ann.

121. She's a newscaster here.

122. I wish I could have

123. slipped that in earlier.

124. Oh, no, I know her.

125. She's internationally

126. despised.

127. So, are you done rebooting?

128. Look.

129. I have to come clean. Um...

130. My computer

131. wasn't actually broken

132. this time.

133. Uh... I just wanted

134. to talk to you again.

135. I like talking to you,

136. too, Brian.

137. Oh, hey, is that Padma

138. from tech support again?

139. Yeah, yeah, it is.

140. Oh, cool.

141. Ask her a question for me.

142. How come over there,

143. they just talk on the phone,

144. and over here,

145. they're all doctors?

146. Get out of here.

147. Lois said you're supposed

148. to sit on the potty

149. for one hour straight.

150. I'm taking a break.

151. I got bored.

152. And you've been on the phone

153. for more than an hour.

154. I'm sorry.

155. Can you give me a sec?

156. Look, I know it's crazy,

157. but I honestly feel

158. a connection to this woman.

159. More than I have to

160. anyone in a long time.

161. That's nice, Brian,

162. but you're from

163. different worlds.

164. She's in India.

165. That's a lot to overcome.

166. People in love can

167. overcome anything.

168. I guess you're right.

169. I mean, look at

170. Jeb Bush and his wife.

171. Honey, do you think

172. I'll ever be president?

173. No, no, no.

174. Stewie!

175. What? It's just a joke.

176. Yeah, but come on.

177. Look it up, man. Google her.

178. I know what

179. she looks like.

180. Oh, I see you came

181. with the Big Cheese.

182. What?

183. You?

184. You're the Big Cheese?

185. I usually bring

186. a variety wheel

187. of Laughing Cow cheese.

188. Laughing Cow.

189. That's got to be

190. a happy farm, right?

191. Oh, you just must be

192. cracking up all the time

193. hanging out with this one.

194. Look, ma'am,

195. I don't know what signals

196. Joe is sending out,

197. but I'm married.

198. G-49.

199. Hey, and you're

200. already on the board.

201. You're a natural at this.

202. Oh! And fair warning,

203. when they call O-69,

204. I say, "Oh, my."

205. "Ooh la la."

206. Yeah, really funny, Joe.

207. Or how about this one?

208. "Oh, my God,

209. I want to kill

210. myself right now."

211. All right,

212. I got to get through this.

213. I'm just gonna go

214. to my happy place.

215. Go to your happy place, Peter.

216. Oh! And you're

217. wearing the necklace

218. I gave you.

219. Well, if I were you,

220. I'd sure be excited.

221. You're only one number away

222. from having a bingo.

223. I am? What,

224. you mean if they call...

225. O-74.

226. Bingo!

227. You were right, Joe.

228. This is awesome.

229. I've never won anything.

230. Well,

231. except for when I won

232. that Tori Spelling Bee.

233. Peter, your word

234. is "equine."

235. Peter reached this round

236. by accurately spelling

237. "collagen,"

238. "repulsive" and "botched."

239. God, I can't believe

240. you're still at work,

241. Padma.

242. It's, like,

243. two in the morning.

244. No, it is noon here.

245. Do you not know

246. about time zones?

247. Oh!

248. Yeah, that's right.

249. You guys are on metric.

250. Oh. You're in here?

251. Yeah, I'm on the phone.

252. Is, uh, Chris down

253. in the laundry room?

254. Yeah, I think so.

255. Okay, looks like this is

256. gonna be a stander-upper

257. in the garage.

258. Uh-oh. Six percent.

259. Better hustle.

260. It's so nice

261. to talk to you, Brian.

262. You make me feel wonderful.

263. God, if only you

264. weren't so far away.

265. I wish I could

266. just somehow magically

267. appear there and

268. meet you in person.

269. Oh, Brian,

270. that would be like a dream.

271. Okay, I should go.

272. I have 11,000 people on hold.

273. Goodbye, Padma.

274. What the hell's going on?

275. Somebody's screaming

276. in the garage.

277. Why are you still up?

278. Because I'm in love.

279. Oh, with that Indian chick?

280. What was her name?

281. Dot?

282. No, it's not Dot,

283. it's Padma.

284. And I have to be with her.

285. Stewie, I'm going to India.

286. Oh, my God,

287. I'm going with you.

288. My yoga class

289. will be so jealous.

290. Hey, everyone.

291. The guy I told

292. you about, Brian.

293. He's taking me to India.

294. Oh, my God.

295. We finally made it, Brian.

296. We're in India.

297. Excuse me, man with no pupil,

298. where can we get

299. a taxicab around here?

300. All right.

301. Let's do it, Stewie.

302. Let's go find Padma.

303. Shouldn't be hard in this

304. dreamy land of wonder.

305. I can already smell

306. the enlightenment

307. and tranquility.

308. This is wonderful,

309. isn't it, Brian?

310. It's so tranquil,

311. I'm tearing up.

312. Come on, I think I see

313. a cab with less than

314. nine people in it.

315. All right, it's winning time.

316. Let's get this

317. show on the road.

318. After all,

319. it's not called "Bing-stop,"

320. it's called "Bing-go."

321. That's very clever.

322. Yeah, and maybe if I win,

323. I'll yell, "Bing-Joe."

324. Don't force it, Joe.

325. Yeah, be quiet, Joe.

326. Me and the gang

327. are trying to

328. hear our numbers.

329. You and the gang?

330. I'm the one who

331. brought you here.

332. Yeah, well,

333. you know something?

334. The Mayflower

335. also brought fungus,

336. which then became

337. the Potato Famine.

338. What the hell are

339. you talking about?

340. I don't know,

341. I've had, like, four Ensures.

342. I'm out of my mind.

343. Peter, I brought

344. you here to have fun,

345. not take over.

346. Look, Joe,

347. I'm a little busy

348. right now,

349. so I'm gonna have

350. the Somali pirate

351. from Captain Phillips

352. tell you something.

353. Joe, look at me.

354. Look at me!

355. He is the bingo captain now.

356. I tell you,

357. I love it here, Brian.

358. The sounds, the colors.

359. You know, this is

360. where the Beatles came

361. to ruin their music.

362. Yeah, yeah.

363. That's great.

364. Anyway, Padma

365. works in Bangalore,

366. so we got to hurry

367. and catch the train.

368. Can't believe

369. we're really in India.

370. Oh, look over there.

371. Those cute little kids are

372. playing cowboys and

373. Indians and Indians.

374. I'm gonna shoot

375. you with my six-gun.

376. I'm gonna shoot you

377. with my bow and arrow.

378. I'm just going to stand here

379. wearing a shirt that

380. appears to be a jacket.

381. Do you think

382. all those chickens

383. had to buy tickets?

384. I don't know,

385. but I'm starving.

386. What I wouldn't give right

387. now for a big, juicy steak.

388. How dare you?

389. To us, cows are sacred.

390. That's right.

391. You are disrespecting

392. our entire culture.

393. And why did Wes Anderson

394. come here to make

395. his worst movie?

396. Stewie, what do we do?

397. Quick, hit the red buttons.

398. Wow. That came

399. in handy.

400. Yeah.

401. Now, let's get out of here.

402. Let's see what their

403. wieners look like.

404. Yeah. Yeah, no,

405. let's get out of here.

406. Okay, I'm off to bingo.

407. Peter, what are you wearing?

408. Oh, you mean

409. my bingo cape?

410. That's a holiday tablecloth.

411. I'm sorry, Lois,

412. but my people have come

413. to expect a certain

414. degree of pageantry.

415. Don't wait up.

416. We may go to Denny's.

417. Is Joe going with you?

418. Oh, Crybaby Joe?

419. Nah, he doesn't come anymore.

420. I think he resents my skill.

421. Peter, bingo was

422. Joe's favorite thing.

423. Now, you go over there

424. and take him with you,

425. or I don't want

426. you going at all.

427. Hey, hey, hey.

428. Don't try to take

429. this away from me.

430. This is the only thing

431. I've ever been good at.

432. Well, this and timing my farts

433. to a thunderstorm.

434. Why don't we all go ahead

435. and turn to page six

436. in the handout?

437. The first thing

438. you're gonna notice

439. is a bar graph.

440. And what that is

441. is to indicate our

442. international sales...

443. Which peaked,

444. of course...

445. Oh, yeah.

446. during the last quarter.

447. But now we're

448. expecting that to drop off

449. as we enter

450. the colder weather.

451. The storm's moving away.

452. We made it.

453. This is where

454. Padma works.

455. I feel like I owe

456. every bus in America

457. an apology.

458. So, we haven't discussed

459. what you're going

460. to do if she's a pig.

461. She's already beautiful to me.

462. And, you know, we'll see.

463. My God,

464. how you gonna find her?

465. There are hundreds

466. of people in here.

467. Don't worry,

468. I thought of that.

469. Thank you for

470. calling tech support.

471. How can I help you?

472. I'll tell you how.

473. Stand on your desk.

474. Brian?

475. Padma, just do it.

476. Oh, boy.

477. Are you Padma?

478. No, I am Ranita.

479. There is a python in my cube.

480. Brian?

481. Padma.

482. I can't believe this.

483. Why are you here?

484. Because I was having

485. a technical issue

486. with my heart.

487. Uh, 16 hours on a plane,

488. and that's what

489. you came up with?

490. I am touched you

491. came all this way

492. to see me.

493. I'm so glad I did.

494. You're even more

495. beautiful than I imagined.

496. Well, I have to admit,

497. you two do make a cute couple.

498. But then again,

499. so did Chris Martin

500. and Gwyneth Paltrow.

501. Do you take this woman

502. to lecture you

503. about trans fats

504. for as long as

505. you both shall live?

506. I do.

507. And do you take this man

508. to be a watered-down Bono

509. until death do you part?

510. I do.

511. I now pronounce you

512. pretentious and terrible.

513. You may name your

514. daughter after a fruit.

515. So, this is my town.

516. I have lived

517. here my whole life.

518. Well, if you were born here,

519. then it must be

520. a magical place.

521. Yes, let's go get sandwiches

522. at that new deli

523. I keep hearing about.

524. Thanks, Ganesha.

525. I am so happy

526. that you are here.

527. In fact, my family

528. is having a big

529. party tonight.

530. You must both

531. come as my guests.

532. Oh! An Indian party.

533. I hope they play that one song

534. with the shrieking,

535. nasal, atonal woman

536. over the bongos

537. and tambourines.

538. You seem nervous.

539. Are you worried

540. about meeting Padma's family?

541. Yeah.

542. Well, that,

543. and this is always

544. what it looks like

545. on Homeland

546. right before

547. there's a drone strike.

548. Oh, my, you both

549. look so elegant.

550. Thanks, I did

551. a little shopping today.

552. Not me. Mine is actually

553. an Aladdin costume

554. from last Halloween.

555. I never travel without it.

556. Family, guests and monkeys

557. who have wandered

558. in to steal fruit,

559. it is my honor to

560. welcome you to this

561. engagement celebration.

562. Oh, engagement?

563. So, who's getting married?

564. I am.

565. What?

566. Padma, my beloved daughter.

567. Dhiraj,

568. my future son-in-law.

569. Please, come and

570. meet one another.

571. Well, that's a Punjab

572. to the figs. Where's the bar?

573. Everyone, you are all so kind

574. to come tonight,

575. and it is so nice

576. to meet you, Dhiraj.

577. But something happened today.

578. And I can no longer marry you.

579. Padma, what is it?

580. My true love

581. is here tonight.

582. He has come to me

583. all the way from America.

584. His name is Brian Griffin.

585. And my heart belongs to him.

586. Quick, everyone's

587. looking at the dog.

588. Go, go, go.

589. Padma, you cannot

590. call off the wedding.

591. I have already

592. paid a large dowry

593. to Dhiraj's family.

594. But it would be wrong

595. to marry someone

596. I do not love.

597. The one I love is Brian.

598. Sir, what if I were

599. to repay you for all

600. you've spent?

601. Would Padma then be free

602. to marry whoever she wanted?

603. Brian.

604. You would do that?

605. Yes.

606. I love you, Padma,

607. and I'd do anything

608. to be with you.

609. I suppose that

610. might be possible.

611. Great.

612. Just give me a chance

613. to raise the money,

614. so I can marry your daughter

615. and make her happy.

616. Oh! So you don't

617. have the money?

618. He's holding onto

619. an Applebee's gift card

620. with $1.62 on it.

621. I do not know Applebee's.

622. Is it like our

623. Colonel Chutney's?

624. Does Colonel

625. Chutney's make you sick?

626. Not every time.

627. Then, no,

628. it's very different.

629. I mean, my wife

630. and I have never said

631. the words "open marriage,"

632. but...

633. Oh, hey, Lois.

634. Peter.

635. It's time to come home

636. and give Joe back his

637. stupid little activity.

638. I appreciate that, Lois.

639. First of all,

640. this is my favorite thing

641. in the world now, so no.

642. And second of all,

643. we're about to

644. play a new round,

645. so start taking

646. your pants off,

647. because when I win,

648. I want you ready.

649. Peter, if it wasn't for Joe,

650. you wouldn't know

651. about bingo anyway.

652. This meant everything to him,

653. and you've taken it away.

654. As a friend,

655. do the right thing

656. and give Joe back

657. the happiness

658. he found here.

659. Joe, gag on my fat dauber.

660. Damn it, I didn't

661. want to have to do this,

662. but you've left me no choice.

663. Kids, get in here.

664. Yay!

665. Time with Dad.

666. That's a bingo for me.

667. All right, how do you play?

668. Free space? Wow.

669. What's that about?

670. I call I sit

671. next to Dad.

672. All right, forget this.

673. Let's all go home and

674. each do our own

675. individual media things.

676. Stewie, I don't

677. think this is gonna work.

678. We're never gonna

679. raise enough money

680. to pay back Padma's father.

681. Trust me, Brian,

682. there are a billion

683. people here,

684. and almost every one of

685. them has a tapeworm.

686. Yes, excuse me,

687. I have a tapeworm.

688. All right, very good.

689. Lie down on your

690. stomach.

691. This won't hurt a bit.

692. Hey, how are you guys?

693. Oh! You're a lady.

694. And you sound American.

695. How long have

696. you been in there?

697. I originally just

698. came for my junior year,

699. but I fell in

700. love with the place.

701. Stewie, there's no way

702. I'm sitting here all day

703. watching tapeworms

704. come out of butts.

705. I'm doomed.

706. I'll never be able to

707. pay for Padma's dowry.

708. I don't understand. In movies,

709. everything in India

710. always turns out great.

711. Julia Roberts ate

712. or loved or prayed

713. or something.

714. I don't know. I didn't see it.

715. Wait a minute.

716. Movies about India.

717. I know how I can

718. make the money.

719. Who wants to be

720. a millionaire?

721. Our next contestant

722. comes all the way

723. from America.

724. Brian Griffin.

725. What brings you

726. to India, Brian?

727. I'll tell you what brought me.

728. True love.

729. He's breaking up

730. a marriage.

731. All right,

732. let's get started.

733. First question.

734. Which retired Indian

735. cricketer has scored

736. over 18,000 runs

737. in ODI competition?

738. ODI? What?

739. Is it, A, Anil Kumble.

740. B, Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

741. C, Sachin Tendulkar.

742. Or D, Jiminy Cricket.

743. Well, I know

744. it's not Jiminy Cricket.

745. Unless Jiminy's

746. based on a real person.

747. I need an answer.

748. You know, the more I say it,

749. the more it does sound Indian.

750. Jiminy Cricket.

751. D, Jiminy Cricket.

752. Final answer.

753. I'm sorry.

754. That is incorrect.

755. Thank you for playing.

756. We'll be right back

757. after this message

758. from the Indian Census Bureau.

759. Too many people!

760. Stop with the people!

761. Padma, I'm sorry.

762. I still haven't

763. raised the money.

764. But I'm working on it.

765. There is no longer a need.

766. My father has

767. solved the problem

768. by promising Dhiraj

769. the hand of

770. my younger sister.

771. Oh, Padma, I meant

772. to ask you, are there,

773. like,

774. Bengal tigers just running

775. loose in the cities?

776. I don't know.

777. In America, are there

778. annoying talking babies

779. always interrupting?

780. Okay, it's been a long trip.

781. Let's not say anything

782. we're gonna regret.

783. Wait a minute,

784. so if Dhiraj is

785. marrying your sister,

786. that means we can be together.

787. Actually, about that.

788. I think watching

789. you try to answer

790. that question out there,

791. I realized something.

792. You know nothing of my country

793. or my culture.

794. Well, that was

795. a really tough question.

796. No, it wasn't.

797. Everyone in India

798. knows who Sachin Tendulkar is.

799. Brian, I am deeply touched

800. that you came all

801. this way to find me.

802. But the truth is,

803. you and I have

804. very little in common.

805. Well, I could learn.

806. I mean,

807. there's got to be an old

808. Carmen Sandiego episode

809. on India or something.

810. Brian, Brian,

811. punt, punt.

812. I know you would try, Brian.

813. But when I look inside myself,

814. I realize I do not

815. want to marry you.

816. Mostly, I just did not

817. want to marry Dhiraj.

818. I am so sorry.

819. Have I answered

820. all of your questions

821. to your satisfaction?

822. No! I came halfway

823. around the world for you.

824. You said I was your true love.

825. Well, by coming here,

826. you saved me

827. from a lifetime

828. of unhappiness.

829. And I will always

830. love you for that.

831. Goodbye, Brian.

832. A peck on the cheek?

833. Was that worth

834. an $8,000 coach ticket?

835. You know what?

836. It's about the journey,

837. not the destination.

838. No, it's not.

839. This sucked and you failed.

840. Story over! Bollywood!

841. find magic in your life

842. What the hell is this?

843. Oh, in India, it's traditional

844. to do a final musical

845. curtain call over

846. the end credits.

847. but he never found a wife

848. Time to go

849. This is kind of weird.

850. Come on, Brian,

851. just surrender to it.

852. Hey, I was in

853. the episode, too. Bingo.

854. And I'm Joe.

855. Joe is the captain again.

856. All right,

857. I'll give it a shot.

858. I came across the world

859. Eyes forward.

860. Finish the number.

861. Ranita, finish the number!