Family Guy 14x18

1. that all you see

2. and sex on TV

3. good old-fashioned values

4. positively can do

5. We now return

6. to The Price is Right.

7. Now with male models.

8. Let's look at this

9. beautiful new car

10. presented by Ken.

11. I don't want it.

12. Peter, what the hell happened

13. to my underwear?

14. They're all

15. stretched out.

16. Oh, sorry about that.

17. Me and the guys

18. were using them

19. to shoot crab apples at

20. Old Man McCratchen's truck.

21. We don't want

22. raisins on Halloween,

23. we want candy.

24. Hey, Quagmire,

25. aren't you gonna

26. get in on this?

27. I, uh, kind of got

28. my own game

29. going on over here.

30. All right, I'm off to get

31. more underwear.

32. We'll meet back

33. here at 2:00.

34. Chris, do you

35. remember your job?

36. To try and get

37. my shoes sucked

38. into the escalator

39. so we can

40. sue the mall.

41. That's right,

42. sweetie.

43. I heard they're paying

44. 50 grand a toe now.

45. Ha, the train. Now that

46. was the way to travel.

47. You remember that, Chris?

48. Not at all.

49. When did we go

50. and get ourselves

51. in such a big damn hurry?

52. Hi. I'll take two tickets for

53. the Ladybug Express, please.

54. Sorry, the train is

55. just for children.

56. Well, what about

57. that guy in the front?

58. He's a grown-up.

59. He's the conductor.

60. I don't see

61. no orchestra.

62. That's a different

63. kind of conductor.

64. Okay, well, if he's

65. the conductor,

66. why don't he

67. have electrical tape

68. wrapped around him

69. for safety?

70. Also a different

71. kind of conductor.

72. All right, thanks for

73. joking around with me.

74. We're gonna go check out

75. the rest of the mall.

76. So I'm thinking

77. about getting

78. my ears pierced.

79. You know,

80. big black gauges.

81. Then I can just work

82. at a bike shop forever.

83. Take the pressure off.

84. That's a terrible idea.

85. 'Cause my lobes

86. are so nice, I know,

87. that's what

88. everybody says.

89. Wow. Check it out.

90. Biracial slam piece,

91. dead ahead.

92. What's going on

93. with you, man?

94. That's a human being.

95. Sorry, sorry,

96. my buddy sent me

97. a bunch of Romanian porn,

98. and now every girl I look at,

99. I imagine throwing onto

100. a table.

101. Yeah, that wasn't

102. really the backpedal

103. I expected.

104. Excuse me, uh, Shelby?

105. Hi, I'm Brian.

106. Hey, I bet lots

107. of millionaires

108. come in here

109. and hit on you

110. all the time, huh?

111. Do we?

112. Do we do that a lot?

113. Yeah, I guess it

114. happens sometimes.

115. Did you want to

116. look at something?

117. Already am.

118. Hey, can I try that on?

119. Good taste.

120. That's our nicest

121. men's ring.

122. Better see if it'll

123. come off when I ski Aspen.

124. Yeah, yeah,

125. that works,

126. that works.

127. I know

128. I'm a nerd,

129. but I have, like,

130. a thing for rich guys.

131. I'll take the ring,

132. and I'll take your number.

133. Here you go. Call me.

134. What the hell

135. are you doing?

136. That ring is $10,000.

137. Relax, Stewie.

138. All I have to do is

139. bring the ring back

140. when she's not working.

141. I'll get a refund

142. and she'll never know.

143. It's a perfect scam,

144. like Teddy Roosevelt

145. getting to be on

146. Mount Rushmore.

147. I won the Revolutionary War.

148. I won the Civil War.

149. I gained possession

150. of Guam.

151. There you are.

152. We were supposed

153. to meet an hour ago.

154. Yeah, I'm almost done.

155. I'm playing a really

156. cool new video game.

157. Michael Douglas'

158. Munch Out.

159. Come on, Peter.

160. It's time to go home.

161. Not now, Lois.

162. I'm making

163. ladies feel good.

164. Peter, I've been

165. on my feet all day.

166. Let's go.

167. I'd stop, but

168. Catherine Zeta-Jones'

169. big hands are on

170. the back of my head.

171. You know what?

172. Forget this.

173. We're leaving.

174. You find your

175. own way home.

176. What? Throat cancer?

177. But all I did

178. was drink Scotch,

179. smoke cigars, and this.

180. All right,

181. we can go, Lois.

182. Lois?

183. Mort?

184. Oh, hey, how do you

185. like my blowout?

186. I'm pulling down

187. so much chotch,

188. it's insane.

189. I don't...

190. I'm... Yuck.

191. Lois?

192. Oh, no! I'm alone and

193. lost in the mall!

194. I haven't been

195. this scared since

196. the silence of the lamb.

197. Hey, um, let's

198. move in together.

199. Say something!

200. And I turned around,

201. and I don't know

202. what happened to my wife,

203. and now I'm all alone

204. and I'm just so scared.

205. Okay.

206. Do you want to go

207. look for your wife,

208. or you want me to

209. finish the makeover?

210. I guess we might as

211. well finish up here.

212. When I find her,

213. I want her to go, "Wow."

214. Lois?

215. Lois?

216. Lois!

217. Lois!

218. Is your wife named

219. Lois, too?

220. No, but I figured

221. if she's banging

222. a guy like you,

223. I got a shot.

224. Lois!

225. Hey, what're you...

226. Lois!

227. Lois!

228. Lois!

229. Wait, hang on

230. a second, Shelby,

231. I can't hear you

232. over my brokers.

233. Buy! Sell! Buy! Buy!

234. Wow.

235. Buying and selling?

236. Yeah, yeah.

237. Well, I'll see you

238. Saturday. I better go,

239. my helicopter's here.

240. (IMITATING

241. HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

242. Are you still...

243. By the way, you have no idea

244. what a helicopter sounds like.

245. Are you still

246. keeping up this charade?

247. Yeah, but it's perfect.

248. Shelby's already off work,

249. so I'll just grab the ring

250. and we can bring it

251. back before they close.

252. Huh. I know I left

253. the ring right here.

254. If you're referring

255. to the ring

256. that I thought was

257. a lug nut, I ate it.

258. What? Why would

259. you eat a lug nut?

260. I was dared.

261. By who?

262. By myself.

263. I have low

264. self-esteem.

265. We should check in

266. on this guy more.

267. Oh, my God,

268. this can't be

269. happening!

270. Chris, that was

271. a diamond ring!

272. Do you know how

273. expensive that was?

274. I'm sorry, Brian!

275. But don't worry,

276. it'll come out of my

277. body sooner or later.

278. He's right.

279. I ate a dime once.

280. It became a manhole cover

281. for, like, three days,

282. but then, pow!

283. Okay, yeah, yeah, we just...

284. We just got to

285. force Chris to poop,

286. that's all.

287. Yay! Like at a sleepover!

288. I love you.

289. You're loved.

290. Attention,

291. the Quahog Mall will be

292. closing in five minutes.

293. Well, I've looked

294. everywhere.

295. Maybe she left.

296. Paul Blart,

297. if you're out there,

298. I could sure

299. use a miracle.

300. All aboard

301. the Ladybug Express!

302. But be careful, Peter.

303. If this train slows

304. to less than

305. 50 miles an hour,

306. then Sandra Bullock

307. has to marry a neo-Nazi

308. and act like she

309. didn't know about it,

310. and then overcompensate

311. by adopting a black kid.

312. Help!

313. Holy crap!

314. Wait! Don't

315. close the mall!

316. Like an actual Amtrak train,

317. this is dangerously

318. out of control!

319. That's legally

320. defensible, by the way.

321. On your screen

322. is a list of

323. actual rail disasters.

324. like a railroad train, now

325. Good morning,

326. I'm Tom Tucker.

327. Coming up,

328. the secret to

329. remaining upbeat

330. after getting

331. an elderly waitress.

332. But we begin

333. with breaking news

334. from the Quahog Mall,

335. where a local fat man

336. was stuck overnight

337. on a child's train.

338. We now go live to

339. the newest member

340. of the Channel Five

341. news team,

342. Dallas Portland.

343. Thanks, Tom.

344. Yes, quite an ordeal

345. for Quahog's Peter Griffin.

346. So, Mr. Griffin,

347. you were going around

348. in circles for 12 hours.

349. Are you suffering

350. any ill effects from

351. the centrifugal force?

352. The wind on my

353. skin is like knifes.

354. Oh, my God, Bonnie,

355. are you watching

356. the news right now?

357. Yes, I'm so sorry

358. about Peter.

359. Oh, I'm sure

360. he'll be fine.

361. But did you see that

362. sweet new piece of ass,

363. Dallas Portland?

364. Oh, I don't know.

365. Why don't you ask

366. my index and

367. middle finger?

368. I thought this

369. was a recovery day.

370. No days off, bro.

371. Peter, move,

372. we need the TV.

373. Is this a coven?

374. No, we're

375. watching the news.

376. Now get out

377. of the way.

378. We had a bottle

379. of wine and a joint

380. at Bonnie's house,

381. and we want to

382. watch Dallas Portland

383. before the buzz wears off.

384. You chicken-heads

385. are out of control.

386. Yoga for men?

387. Yes, says the inventor

388. of bro-ga.

389. I'm here in

390. his studio

391. above the Petco

392. to see if I want

393. to namaste for

394. the whole class.

395. I guess he's

396. handsome and funny.

397. Oh. Feel like

398. I'm cheating on

399. Tom Bergeron.

400. That's who you're

401. all excited about?

402. That chiseled Adonis

403. with eyes the color of

404. summer's first blueberry?

405. I don't know

406. about none of that,

407. but look at that

408. bulge in his shorts.

409. I've never seen a bulge

410. in the front of

411. a man's pants before.

412. You see that, Peter?

413. That's the right

414. amount of leg hair.

415. My leg hair's fine.

416. I have what they

417. call the Irish Wisp.

418. Why are we at

419. a health food store?

420. Well, we got to get

421. that ring out of you,

422. and this is

423. a place where people buy

424. disgusting cereals

425. to help them poop.

426. Well, which one

427. should we buy?

428. I don't know, let's ask.

429. Are there any gray-haired

430. lesbian art teachers

431. who can help us

432. select a fiber cereal?

433. This won't take long,

434. we know your large dogs

435. are tied up outside.

436. There's too many

437. of them!

438. We've got to start a chant so

439. they'll file out into

440. the street!

441. All sex is rape!

442. All sex is rape!

443. All sex is rape!

444. All sex is rape!

445. When I first

446. joined this cause,

447. I was just trying to

448. get this guy to poop,

449. but now we're this close

450. to getting sex outlawed

451. in the United States.

452. So, Peter,

453. where are your

454. boyfriends tonight?

455. I don't know.

456. Where are yours?

457. What the fuck

458. did you just say?

459. I'm sorry,

460. I'm sorry,

461. I'm sorry.

462. I'm just not

463. myself tonight.

464. Lois and all of her friends

465. are drooling over

466. that new news guy.

467. That Dallas Portland's

468. a jerk.

469. Don't even

470. say that name.

471. Tom Tucker?

472. What are you

473. doing here?

474. Getting out of

475. that wind storm that

476. screwed up my hair

477. and loosened my tie,

478. but also trying to

479. forget how mad I am

480. at Dallas Portland.

481. You and me both, pal.

482. That Dallas guy sucks.

483. Why, what's your

484. problem with him?

485. Ah, my wife's been

486. creaming her

487. spinach over him.

488. Yeah, tell me about it.

489. Since he arrived,

490. our ratings have

491. skyrocketed.

492. They're grooming Dallas,

493. which means I'm on my way out.

494. What? We can't

495. let that happen.

496. If that guy

497. becomes the anchor,

498. every night is gonna be...

499. Hey!

500. Sorry, I still get

501. a little dizzy

502. from the train,

503. but if Dallas Portland's

504. on TV every night,

505. my life's gonna

506. be a living hell.

507. You and me both.

508. Without the news, I...

509. I don't know who I am.

510. But what can you do?

511. He's the flavor of the month.

512. But wait a minute,

513. maybe if we work together,

514. we can solve

515. both our problems.

516. What do you mean?

517. Well,

518. if he's the hot,

519. young thing and

520. everybody loves him,

521. all we got to do is

522. make you hotter and

523. younger and thing-er!

524. And then they

525. won't need him.

526. Well, how're we

527. supposed to do that?

528. Just trust me.

529. When I set my

530. mind to something,

531. anything's possible.

532. That's how I got

533. myself on The Voice.

534. I'm doing this for

535. my mother, who taught me

536. to sing when

537. I was only seven.

538. She was my

539. biggest inspiration,

540. and she was taken

541. from me when I was 12

542. in a fatal

543. car accident.

544. She was my rock,

545. my beacon,

546. and this one...

547. This one's for her.

548. what you really, really want

549. you what I want

550. Okay, now Tom,

551. if you want to be like

552. the young kids,

553. you got to get

554. into MMA.

555. Oh, awesome.

556. Looks like we got a great

557. fight on our hands.

558. He's killing

559. that man.

560. Oh, no,

561. he's long dead.

562. Well, this is

563. just murder.

564. Yes, public murder.

565. All right,

566. so what am I supposed

567. to do with this erection?

568. Just put it in someone's

569. back as we walk out.

570. Come on, let's go.

571. I know.

572. Good fight, right?

573. All right, Tom,

574. if you want to be

575. young these days,

576. you gotta do

577. a wicked awesome

578. GoPro skate video.

579. I know you planned it

580. this watergate

581. when I'm in here

582. ain't so crystal clear

583. and wonder why

584. in my side

585. Damn!

586. Latvia's number-one

587. bear prank show.

588. Now available in

589. Region 3 DVD.

590. All right, Chris, nothing's

591. gotten that ring out yet.

592. That's why we brought you

593. to this fast-food

594. roast beef restaurant.

595. Uh, yeah, I'll take

596. the Angus steak melt.

597. I'm sorry, are you here

598. to poop something out?

599. Yes.

600. Okay, this line is

601. just for regular diners.

602. You need to

603. get in that line.

604. Excuse me,

605. is this the line

606. for people who need

607. to puke something up?

608. I think this is

609. just the poop line.

610. Cheers.

611. You know what restaurant

612. we're talking about.

613. Oh, almost time

614. for the news.

615. Mind if I join you?

616. I thought you

617. hated the news.

618. Developing story.

619. I like it now.

620. Okay.

621. Good evening, Quahog,

622. I'm Dallas Portland.

623. And I'm T-homie

624. with the news

625. in your mouth!

626. What the hell's

627. he doing?

628. He's crushing it.

629. Okay, Tom,

630. our top story tonight,

631. a burst water pipe

632. in the pediatric

633. unit of Quahog General

634. results in

635. the tragic

636. drowning deaths

637. of four children

638. and one nurse.

639. News bomb!

640. I know

641. what you're thinking, right?

642. "He's so random."

643. Boy, I never realized

644. how young and hip

645. Tom Tucker is.

646. Dallas Portland

647. should just pack it up

648. and go home.

649. What are you

650. talking about?

651. Wait, wait, quiet, quiet.

652. Tom's about to tattoo

653. the word "Coachella" on

654. the bridge of his nose.

655. Is that a thing?

656. Oh, I don't know,

657. Grandma, sit back and...

658. Oh! He got his eye!

659. Oh, God.

660. What's wrong

661. with you, Dallas?

662. Never seen a guy so

663. young and cool before?

664. Tumblr!

665. I've just received

666. some breaking news.

667. Channel Five News

668. anchor Tom Tucker

669. has been relieved

670. of his duties,

671. effective immediately.

672. Holy crap.

673. They fired him?

674. Oh, my God!

675. Oh, well,

676. now back to my life.

677. We'll be back

678. after message from

679. state-run industry.

680. is only place to

681. Peter, you were

682. the one who told

683. Tom Tucker to try all

684. that nonsense on TV?

685. You realize you

686. cost that man his job?

687. Well, how was

688. I supposed to know?

689. Katie Couric went

690. on TV and stuck

691. a tube up her butt

692. and they threw her

693. a parade.

694. That was a colonoscopy!

695. This is kind of

696. your fault, you know.

697. I mean, you're

698. the one who was drooling

699. over that

700. Dallas Portland.

701. I was just trying

702. to get that guy

703. off the air.

704. Peter, that's ridiculous.

705. He's just some pretty boy

706. who doesn't mean anything.

707. It's like when

708. you watch Mad Men

709. for that chick you

710. said was like a fat me.

711. I said,

712. "A young, fat you."

713. The point is, you've

714. ruined that man's life.

715. You're right.

716. Poor Tom.

717. Thanks to me, he's

718. fallen even further

719. than Charlie Rose.

720. Today on

721. CBS This Morning,

722. we'll be talking about

723. how much sleep you need

724. to not be drunk

725. from the night before.

726. That's not what

727. we're talking about.

728. That's what

729. I'm talking about.

730. I don't know what else to do.

731. We've tried everything.

732. Brian, the jeweler

733. closes at 6:00.

734. You don't have

735. much time left

736. to return that ring.

737. You're right.

738. Well, we have

739. no choice.

740. We'll just have to

741. take a bumpy ride

742. to the mall and

743. hope for a miracle.

744. You know, Brian,

745. this wouldn't

746. have happened

747. if you were just

748. honest with women

749. and had an ounce

750. of integrity.

751. Don't pull rank on me.

752. You ate a ring,

753. you worthless tub of crap.

754. Yeah? Well, who's gonna

755. be fishing through

756. a tub of crap soon,

757. you unemployed

758. buttmunch?

759. Whoa! Whoa!

760. Let's calm down, guys.

761. Shut up,

762. you unemployed

763. buttmunch!

764. Okay, he found

765. a burn he likes.

766. What the hell

767. do you want?

768. I'm here to say

769. I'm sorry about

770. what happened.

771. Let me make it

772. up to you.

773. I'm the one who

774. made you lose your job.

775. I'll find you a new one.

776. Don't bother.

777. I'm washed up.

778. Everyone saw what

779. I did, and besides,

780. I can't do anything else.

781. I was born to be

782. a newsman.

783. This just out. Me!

784. That happened?

785. Is that for real?

786. That's nuts. But still,

787. I want to help you

788. get back on your feet.

789. Go home, Peter.

790. You've already

791. done enough.

792. Thanks to you,

793. it's over for me,

794. like Billy Zane.

795. Billy, you're through.

796. You haven't done

797. anything in 10 years.

798. Yes, I have.

799. I was in those

800. electronic cigarette

801. commercials.

802. That was Stephen Dorff.

803. Oh.

804. How're we doing on time?

805. Less than a minute.

806. How you feeling, Chris?

807. No different,

808. except I have to poop

809. from all this running.

810. What? That's great!

811. There's a bathroom

812. down that hall!

813. No time!

814. They're closing

815. the gate!

816. Hey, Shelby.

817. Brian?

818. Ah!

819. It's coming!

820. Oh, my God!

821. Yes, I'd like to

822. make a return, please.

823. And maybe take you

824. to dinner?

825. Brian, I don't care

826. that I was diarrhea'd on.

827. I care that you

828. weren't honest.

829. I care that I

830. was diarrhea'd on.

831. I care a great deal.

832. Sorry I let you down, Tom.

833. Oh, my God, look!

834. Up on the roof!

835. Holy crap! Doritos Tacos

836. is only for a limited time?

837. And, oh, no!

838. Tom Tucker's

839. gonna jump!

840. Tom, I got here

841. as fast as I could.

842. So, what's going on?

843. It's over for me, Peter.

844. If I can't anchor

845. the local news,

846. I have no reason to live.

847. Look, Tom, Tom,

848. before you do

849. anything crazy,

850. you should know

851. one thing.

852. I have that

853. exact same bathrobe.

854. Hey, Tom, the camera's

855. gonna be on you in a second.

856. Before you jump,

857. could you just hand

858. me this microphone,

859. like you're

860. passing me

861. the torch?

862. What the hell

863. are you doing here?

864. What am I doing?

865. Getting an interview

866. with a crazed jumper

867. on the brink of suicide.

868. This is huge.

869. Wait a second.

870. You heard wrong, Dallas.

871. There's a jumper here,

872. but it ain't Tom.

873. It's me.

874. That's right.

875. What?

876. Tom was just

877. trying to

878. talk me down,

879. and if there's

880. a news story here,

881. the only one

882. I'm giving it to

883. is Tom Tucker.

884. Here.

885. Roll it.

886. Good evening, Quahog.

887. This is Tom

888. Tucker atop a roof.

889. Where a local crazy person

890. is preparing to end it all.

891. Bonnie! Tom Tucker's

892. back on the news!

893. Oh, here you are.

894. Tom Tucker's back.

895. I know.

896. Honey, I'm back on TV.

897. No, Billy,

898. that's Tom Tucker.

899. Oh.

900. What's going on?

901. Don't worry about it,

902. just get those pants off.

903. Oh. Your hair

904. is amazing.

905. Tell us, crazy person,

906. why are you doing all this?

907. I'll tell you why.

908. I'm doing this because

909. I ruined a guy's life

910. and I feel awful about it.

911. It's the only

912. thing I can think of

913. to make things right.

914. Well, whoever this guy is,

915. I'm sure he appreciates

916. what you're

917. trying to do for him.

918. I think I speak

919. for all our viewers

920. when I say, don't do this.

921. Please. Come down

922. off this ledge with me.

923. You got it.

924. If that's what the most

925. trusted newsman

926. in Quahog wants.

927. Pigeon!

928. Ah!

929. It's fine.

930. He landed on people.

931. Well, I'm glad

932. your crazy stunt

933. worked out

934. and Tom Tucker is

935. back at Channel Five.

936. Yeah, apparently,

937. when he interviewed

938. me up on that roof,

939. the ratings were so huge,

940. they made him anchor again.

941. That's great to hear,

942. because...

943. Lois!

944. Lois!

945. Is somebody

946. calling my name?

947. Lois!

948. I don't think so, no.

949. Lois, I'm rich!

950. Now I think I do

951. hear something.

952. I should probably

953. go see what he wants.

954. I know I'm a nerd,

955. but I have, like,

956. a thing for rich guys.

957. Oh, boy, she's getting

958. in his helicopter.

959. (MAN IMITATING

960. HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

961. Well, I'm big enough to admit

962. when I'm wrong.