1. that all you see
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2. and sex on TV
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3. good old-fashioned values
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4. positively can do
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5. that make us
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6. Peter, we've got to talk.
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7. Yeah.
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8. I'm concerned about
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9. Stewie's preschool.
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10. Look what they're
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11. serving at snack time.
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12. Is... Is that...
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13. It's dog milk.
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14. They're serving dog
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15. milk to our children.
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16. Oh, sweet, dilk.
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17. I don't want Stewie
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18. in that school anymore.
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19. It seems like it's
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20. really gone downhill.
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21. She's not wrong to worry.
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22. There's a sign in
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23. the bathroom that says,
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24. "If it's brown,
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25. let it mellow."
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26. Sometimes it
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27. crests the toilet lid.
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28. Peter, I think we should send
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29. Stewie to Corridors.
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30. I know it's a little pricey,
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31. but it's the best
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32. preschool in the area.
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33. Really?
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34. Is that the one
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35. where they make 'em dress
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36. in the little shorts and hats
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37. like the guy in AC/DC?
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38. Yeah, why does he
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39. wear that outfit?
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40. 'Cause he rocks.
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41. When I picked this,
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42. I didn't know
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43. I'd have to wear
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44. it when I'm 60!
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45. I'm very cold!
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46. You know what seems
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47. like a lie to me?
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48. A Forever Stamp
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49. that says "Love" on it.
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50. Oh, you want to
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51. go ahead of me?
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52. Hey, how are you?
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53. You know what seems
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54. like a lie to me?
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55. I can help the
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56. fourth person in line.
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57. One, two,
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58. three. Yes!
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59. Cleveland,
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60. you work here?
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61. Yup, finally landed
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62. myself a job.
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63. Hey, what can
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64. Brown do for you?
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65. That's our competitor, though.
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66. I'm not supposed to say that.
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67. It's grounds for
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68. dismissal if anyone
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69. ever got fired here,
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70. but they don't.
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71. Well, good for you.
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72. Oh, could I get
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73. a return receipt for this?
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74. It's Stewie's
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75. registration form
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76. for his new school.
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77. Little Poppa Stew-Stew's
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78. off to college?
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79. No, just preschool.
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80. He's very young.
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81. Can you just charge me
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82. my weirdly uneven
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83. price so I can be done?
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84. All right,
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85. that's $2.16.
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86. $4.37 if you want to
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87. send it the priority.
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88. Oh, no, we got to start
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89. saving our pennies
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90. now that we're sending
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91. Stewie to a new school.
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92. I'm actually doing
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93. some job hunting
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94. after this.
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95. Let's go up there!
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96. You know, Lois,
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97. the post office is hiring.
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98. Really? Oh, wow!
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99. That'd be great.
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100. Yeah, I'd be happy to
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101. get you an interview,
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102. and as a white woman,
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103. you'd be a minority here,
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104. unless you're
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105. an alcoholic.
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106. Wow, this place
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107. is really fancy.
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108. Their Flat Stanley is
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109. actually award-winning
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110. actor Stanley Tucci.
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111. Sometimes I wear glasses
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112. and sometimes I don't.
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113. Hi, I'm Chadley.
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114. I've been
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115. kidnapped three times
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116. because I come from money.
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117. Oh, yes, I've heard
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118. about your family.
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119. You've had two older
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120. brothers die of drugs?
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121. That's right.
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122. Stewie, what would you
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123. say to a playdate at
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124. my house tomorrow?
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125. That sounds delightful.
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126. My word, it feels so good
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127. to finally be where I belong.
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128. Like Judd Hirsch
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129. at the gigantic sweater store.
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130. Hi, all five of
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131. us are Judd Hirsch.
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132. Do you have a sweater
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133. big enough to fit all of us?
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134. Okay, everybody
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135. climb in.
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136. Ah, I can't wait to
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137. spill soup on this.
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138. Okay, Judds,
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139. shamble away.
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140. Good having you aboard, Lois.
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141. Let me show you around.
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142. That guy right
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143. there? Larry.
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144. Okay, got it.
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145. And what's this giant, empty,
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146. football stadium-sized room?
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147. Oh, the post office
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148. anticipates that within
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149. the next five years
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150. at least 200 million
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151. men in this country
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152. will be ordering and
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153. receiving RealDolls.
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154. Every man will have
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155. seven to nine RealDolls.
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156. Asians, blonde
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157. Southern girls,
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158. blonde Asians
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159. capable of performing
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160. every possible sexual act,
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161. or at least
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162. incapable of refusing.
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163. You can put one in
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164. your car and drive in
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165. the carpool lane with it
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166. and then maybe you
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167. push her head down,
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168. thus defeating the purpose
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169. of the carpool lane
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170. while fulfilling
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171. the purpose
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172. of the RealDoll.
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173. Maybe a trucker goes by.
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174. You say, "Hey, Janine,
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175. give him a show."
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176. Maybe later you ask yourself
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177. some tough questions, like,
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178. "Why is it so important
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179. to you to impress and
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180. excite truckers?"
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181. Anyhoo, grab that
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182. letter opener.
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183. I'm gonna show you
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184. why you should
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185. never mail cash.
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186. Another good
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187. postal tip is
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188. if you wait to
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189. deliver your mail
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190. at night,
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191. you can smell a lot
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192. of really nice dinners.
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193. Oh, no, it's that
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194. Amazon drone.
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195. Try to ignore it.
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196. Hey, Cleveland,
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197. what are you doing?
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198. Taking a walk?
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199. No, I'm delivering mail.
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200. By foot? Yeah,
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201. that won't take too long.
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202. Well, got to go.
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203. Got to deliver
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204. these fat pants
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205. to your fat son.
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206. He was harsh but
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207. not untruthful.
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208. We got to special-order
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209. Cleveland Jr.'s pants
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210. from a company
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211. that manufactures
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212. grill covers.
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213. Thanks for coming
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214. over, Stewie.
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215. Oh, thanks for having me.
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216. Quite a place you've got here.
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217. Your mother seemed nice.
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218. Yeah, I've only met
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219. her a couple of times,
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220. but yeah.
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221. This is my bedroom.
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222. Is that car bed a Bentley?
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223. And is that guy the driver?
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224. Ready for this evening's trip
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225. to Snoozetown, sir?
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226. Not yet.
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227. Sad story.
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228. He used to drive the bed
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229. for Michael Jackson's monkey.
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230. I've seen some
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231. terrible things.
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232. This is extraordinary.
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233. Oh, it's fine,
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234. I suppose,
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235. but you probably have
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236. even nicer things
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237. at your mansion.
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238. I'd love to come
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239. see it sometime.
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240. Oh, um...
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241. Yes, yes, my mansion.
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242. Yes, you should
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243. come see my mansion,
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244. by all means.
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245. I mean, not right this minute.
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246. I have the US Men's
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247. Wrestling Team there.
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248. I'm gonna kill a wrestler...
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249. But then after that,
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250. you should.
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251. I can't wait.
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252. Come on, let's go see
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253. if the maid brought her son,
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254. so we can push him
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255. and he can't do anything.
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256. God, I like it here,
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257. but what am I doing?
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258. I don't have a fancy house.
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259. I'm living a lie, like FDR.
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260. And so I say to you, America,
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261. we are going to win this war,
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262. we're going to
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263. end this Depression,
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264. and there's no
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265. reason to suspect
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266. that I cannot walk.
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267. God bless America!
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268. And cut. The newsreel's over.
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269. Thank you, Mr. President.
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270. You're welcome, gentlemen.
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271. Now, if you'd kindly
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272. kick me into the closet
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273. with the mops.
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274. Ah!
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275. Must be a Yale man.
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276. Shut up.
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277. Hello, loyal mailwoman.
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278. This is a letter
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279. to Hollywood saying,
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280. "Keep it up!
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281. Movies are great!"
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282. Cleveland, what should
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283. I do with this?
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284. It just says
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285. "Hollywood, USA,"
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286. and this isn't a stamp,
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287. it's the little
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288. sticker from an apple.
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289. Oh, I can't never get
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290. those off. I just eat them.
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291. Anyway, just put it in here.
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292. But what's that?
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293. It's the dead letter bin.
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294. It's all the stale
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295. mail what never got
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296. delivered for one
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297. reason or the other.
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298. Incomplete addresses,
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299. house at the top of a hill,
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300. anyone who uses one
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301. of those French sevens
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302. with a slash in it.
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303. Well, this is horrible.
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304. I'm going to organize these.
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305. There might be
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306. some we could resend.
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307. That's above
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308. and beyond, Lois.
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309. You know,
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310. you do the uniform proud,
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311. like I like to think I...
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312. Oh, chili dog got me.
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313. Look at all these.
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314. This is a mess.
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315. Here's two that
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316. are stuck together.
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317. What the hell?
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318. This is from Peter.
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319. Who the hell is
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320. Gretchen Mercer?
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321. And this is postmarked
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322. a week before our wedding!
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323. Oh.
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324. There was a time
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325. when the president
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326. of the Jonathan
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327. Taylor Thomas Fan Club
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328. got a lot of mail.
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329. I don't know
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330. what to do, Bonnie.
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331. Why would Peter
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332. write a letter
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333. to another woman
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334. just before our wedding?
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335. Why don't you just
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336. open it and read it?
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337. What?
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338. That's a federal offense.
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339. I can't do that.
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340. Don't you realize,
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341. as a postal employee,
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342. I'm 6,004th in line
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343. for the presidency?
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344. Well, then why don't you
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345. just deliver the letter
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346. and see for yourself
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347. who this Gretchen Mercer is?
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348. Bonnie, that's a great idea.
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349. Although it could
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350. be a little awkward.
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351. You could always
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352. just ask Peter about it.
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353. No, he won't talk
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354. about anything serious
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355. unless there's
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356. a crackling fire
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357. to punctuate
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358. uncomfortable
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359. family revelations.
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360. I didn't fall
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361. off the roof.
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362. I jumped.
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363. I never found you attractive,
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364. and what's more,
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365. I never respected you.
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366. I know about Maurice.
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367. Which Maurice?
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368. Oh, Brian,
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369. I need your help!
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370. Chadley wants to
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371. have a playdate,
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372. here at my house!
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373. Well, that's great.
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374. No, it's not!
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375. I can't let him
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376. see this dump.
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377. Come on, Stewie,
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378. Chadley should
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379. like you for who are.
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380. Besides, this place
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381. isn't so bad.
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382. Brian, Chadley's parents
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383. each have their own bathroom.
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384. I've seen the fat man
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385. pee through Lois' legs
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386. while she's
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387. sitting on the toilet.
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388. What I've got to do
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389. is find a spectacular house
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390. that I can pretend is mine
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391. to impress Chadley.
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392. Why don't you just
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393. use Babs and Carter's?
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394. I can't, they're having
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395. an Eyes Wide Shut
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396. party all weekend.
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397. I can't find my
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398. wiener with this mask.
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399. All right, time-out.
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400. Let's... Let's all
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401. just find our wieners
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402. and then put
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403. the masks back on.
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404. Okay, 940, this is the house.
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405. Hi, are you
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406. Gretchen Mercer?
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407. Yes, may I help you?
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408. Oh, yeah, we found an
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409. old letter addressed to you.
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410. Peter Griffin?
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411. Wow! This is from
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412. an old boyfriend.
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413. What?
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414. Wow! Well, here...
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415. Here's the nutty thing,
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416. believe it or not,
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417. I'm actually married
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418. to Peter Griffin right now.
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419. Huh! That is quite
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420. a coincidence.
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421. I wonder why he
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422. was writing me.
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423. I see you move
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424. your finger along
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425. as you read.
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426. That's what little kids do.
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427. Oh, it was nothing.
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428. He was just writing to say
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429. that he was excited
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430. about getting married
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431. and that he finally
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432. had enough Camel Cash
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433. to get a leather
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434. jacket and a pool floatie.
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435. Oh! Well, thank you, Gretchen.
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436. I am very relieved.
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437. I was thinking the worst.
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438. Oh, I understand,
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439. but you have nothing
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440. to worry about.
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441. You're right.
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442. I guess jealousy's
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443. my weak spot.
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444. Everyone has one.
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445. Even Achilles.
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446. So, you can only be injured
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447. on your Achilles' tendon?
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448. That's right.
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449. My mother dipped me
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450. into the River Styx
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451. and she held me
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452. by my heels,
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453. so that's the only
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454. part that can be injured.
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455. How about you,
Copy !req
456. Testiclies?
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457. It's the same...
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458. It's... It's...
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459. It's similar.
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460. So, what do you think
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461. of the house, Brian?
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462. As far as Chadley knows,
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463. this is where I live.
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464. Stewie, who owns
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465. this place?
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466. Oh, Just some rich idiot
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467. I saw bragging about his
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468. vacation on Instagram.
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469. He posted a picture
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470. of his feet in sand.
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471. You're a guy,
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472. don't do that.
Copy !req
473. What a dick.
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474. Hey, I'll swallow
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475. his dental floss.
Copy !req
476. You pull it out of me
Copy !req
477. and put it back on the roll.
Copy !req
478. Good call.
Copy !req
479. Ah, that must be Chadley.
Copy !req
480. Hi, Stewie.
Copy !req
481. I love your house.
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482. Where are your servants?
Copy !req
483. Oh, probably cooking bananas
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484. and doing the cha-cha-cha.
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485. You know, this is
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486. a great house for a party.
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487. You could invite
Copy !req
488. the whole class.
Copy !req
489. I say, that's
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490. a brilliant idea!
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491. What the hell
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492. are you doing?
Copy !req
493. Relax, these people are gone
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494. for a few more days.
Copy !req
495. I'll invite everyone over
Copy !req
496. and impress the whole class
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497. in one shot.
Copy !req
498. That'll cover my
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499. playdates for a year.
Copy !req
500. You really think
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501. that'll work?
Copy !req
502. Absolutely.
Copy !req
503. And when it does,
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504. I'll be as popular as
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505. the first kid in school
Copy !req
506. to get his driver's license.
Copy !req
507. Hey, heard you got
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508. your license.
Copy !req
509. Maybe after school,
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510. you could take me
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511. to get some groceries?
Copy !req
512. Yeah, or maybe you and me
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513. hop in that car of yours
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514. and do some
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515. grocery shopping?
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516. Looks like you
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517. have a roomy backseat.
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518. I'd love to fill
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519. that with groceries
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520. after school.
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521. Hey, it's Stewie.
Copy !req
522. All I know about cars
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523. is what my mom does.
Copy !req
524. Gretchen? Wow!
Copy !req
525. You look great!
Copy !req
526. Yeah, I didn't have kids.
Copy !req
527. Oh, yeah, of course,
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528. but what the hell
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529. are you doing here?
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530. I haven't seen
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531. you in 20 years!
Copy !req
532. Peter, I finally
Copy !req
533. got your letter.
Copy !req
534. You know,
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535. the one where
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536. you said
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537. that you were having doubts
Copy !req
538. about marrying Lois
Copy !req
539. and you still had thoughts
Copy !req
540. about marrying me.
Copy !req
541. Gretchen,
Copy !req
542. I wrote that
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543. a long time ago.
Copy !req
544. Well, my answer is yes, Peter.
Copy !req
545. Yes, I will marry you!
Copy !req
546. Gretchen,
Copy !req
547. I am already happily...
Copy !req
548. Moderately...
Copy !req
549. Relative... I am...
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550. I am married.
Copy !req
551. Oh, then I suppose
Copy !req
552. your wife is entitled to know
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553. that you were
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554. still in love with me
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555. just days before your wedding.
Copy !req
556. Blackmail!
Copy !req
557. Thank you, Cleveland.
Copy !req
558. And I don't know
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559. what to call the thing
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560. you're doing to me, lady.
Copy !req
561. Look, Gretchen,
Copy !req
562. I know I wrote
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563. you that letter,
Copy !req
564. and I meant it at the time,
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565. but that was 20 years ago.
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566. I may have had some doubts
Copy !req
567. before my wedding,
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568. but what guy doesn't?
Copy !req
569. And now I know
Copy !req
570. I made the right
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571. choice marrying Lois.
Copy !req
572. Well, she's
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573. a lucky woman, and I'm
Copy !req
574. sorry for what I said.
Copy !req
575. I certainly
Copy !req
576. don't want to cause
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577. any trouble for you.
Copy !req
578. It's just that when
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579. I got this letter,
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580. it reminded me
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581. how sweet and funny
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582. you always were.
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583. That's nice,
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584. but I should go.
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585. Thanks for not
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586. making fun of me for
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587. ordering a hot chocolate,
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588. and go ahead and
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589. look into Facebook
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590. 'cause this is
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591. kind of what it's for.
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592. Wait, before we say
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593. our final good-bye,
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594. what do you say we
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595. have one last hurrah?
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596. I've got two tickets
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597. to a Ray LaMontagne
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598. concert tonight.
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599. Oh, I... I'm not sure
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600. that's a good idea.
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601. It feels a little weird
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602. going out with another lady.
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603. Oh, come on, Peter,
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604. I drove all this way.
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605. Let me go home with
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606. one last good memory,
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607. and then I promise,
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608. you have heard the last
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609. of Gretchen Mercer.
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610. Well, I should
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611. probably say no,
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612. but I've never been known
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613. for my good judgment.
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614. I mean, that's how
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615. I got into trouble
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616. with the Peter-catcher.
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617. Oh, Peter!
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618. Come and get your lollipops!
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619. Lollipops! Come along, Peter!
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620. Peter, you mustn't.
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621. I've got cream pies.
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622. Trinkle tarts.
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623. Trinkle tarts!
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624. I'm gonna get so molested.
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625. Oh, Peter, you can take
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626. off your hat and jacket.
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627. It's not illegal
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628. for two old friends
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629. to go to a concert.
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630. Yeah, I guess
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631. you're right.
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632. I mean it's not
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633. like anybody I know
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634. would be at a Ray
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635. LaMontagne concert.
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636. Peter!
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637. Where'd he go?
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638. I'm... I'm gonna
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639. keep the hat on.
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640. I'm sorry, Gretchen.
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641. This was a mistake.
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642. I just feel too guilty
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643. being out with another woman.
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644. I can't do this to Lois.
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645. Oh! I understand.
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646. Well, I guess there's no shame
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647. in coming in second, huh?
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648. That's right.
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649. Except in like, wars.
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650. Aw, you are still
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651. funny, sweet Peter.
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652. Yeah, I guess so.
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653. All right, I got to go.
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654. The beard inspector's
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655. coming, anyway.
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656. Uh, sir, where's
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657. your beard?
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658. I'm leaving.
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659. I'm on my way out.
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660. That's my Peter.
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661. That's my Peter!
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662. Oh, looks like you're
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663. actually gonna get away
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664. with this, Stewie.
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665. And you threw
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666. a good party.
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667. Yeah, it's getting
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668. pretty wild.
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669. Over in the guest
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670. bedroom there's
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671. a girl pulling a train.
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672. This'll show my dad.
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673. By the way,
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674. how'd you pay
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675. for all this?
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676. I dated
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677. Donald Sterling
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678. for two weeks.
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679. He's a good man!
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680. You don't know
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681. him like I know him!
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682. People. People?
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683. As your rich host,
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684. I would like to
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685. say a word if I may.
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686. I cannot tell you
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687. how pleased I am
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688. to have finally
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689. found a group of peers
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690. with whom I share
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691. so many common interests
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692. and here come
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693. the people who live here.
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694. Please let me explain!
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695. I was just worried
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696. you wouldn't accept me
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697. because I'm not
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698. wealthy like you are.
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699. Stewie, it's not
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700. that you're poor.
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701. It's that you lied
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702. to us and you're poor.
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703. I'm sorry you lost
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704. your rich friends, Stewie.
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705. Well, that's all right,
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706. I don't need money.
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707. I already have
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708. everything I need.
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709. Excuse me,
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710. is one of you Chadley?
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711. You left your wallet inside.
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712. Chicka-chickaw.
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713. Well, that "chicka-chickaw"
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714. makes me think you're
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715. not Chadley.
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716. Oh, no!
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717. I chicka-chickawed too early!
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718. Hey, Lois, you mind
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719. if I cut out of here?
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720. Not at all.
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721. Thanks.
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722. Not to be too intimate,
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723. but I need to have
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724. a bowel movement
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725. and I can't go here.
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726. I can only go at home
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727. or at the Koo Koo Roo.
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728. Hello? Is someone there?
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729. I thought I heard something
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730. over the roar of my tinnitus.
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731. I'm... I'm sure it's nothing.
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732. Ooh, a text.
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733. "I'm taking care
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734. of our problem.
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735. "We'll be together soon.
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736. Love, Gretchen."
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737. Huh!
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738. Meg, you're kind of
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739. a loner psychopath.
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740. What does this mean?
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741. Oh, this woman is
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742. clearly a spurned lover
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743. who's planning to kill Mom.
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744. Ah, thank you.
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745. You're a good dog, Meg.
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746. Well, well, well,
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747. if it isn't the first
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748. Mrs. Griffin.
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749. Gretchen?
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750. What are you doing here?
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751. Making sure Peter
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752. can finally be with me,
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753. which is what
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754. he's always wanted.
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755. Gretchen,
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756. it's 3:15 on a workday.
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757. The post office is closed.
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758. Lois! Gretchen
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759. wants to kill you,
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760. and I have a slip that says
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761. we've got a package?
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762. Peter, I'm glad
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763. you're here
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764. to see this.
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765. You and I can
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766. finally be together.
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767. Peter, what's
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768. going on?
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769. She's nuts,
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770. is what's going on!
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771. I don't want to be with her!
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772. Oh, yeah?
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773. That's not
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774. what you wrote.
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775. That's right.
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776. I lied about what
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777. was in that letter.
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778. Lois,
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779. Lois, before you read that,
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780. you need to know one thing,
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781. I'm the one throwing out
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782. all your beige bras.
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783. Guys don't like beige bras.
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784. You told an ex-girlfriend
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785. a week before our wedding
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786. you were having doubts?
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787. Lois, Lois, listen to me.
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788. Yes, it is true,
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789. just before we got married,
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790. I was having some doubts.
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791. I mean, your family hated me.
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792. I didn't think I was
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793. good enough for you.
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794. We were kids,
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795. I was scared.
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796. Weren't you?
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797. No, I was in love,
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798. which is what
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799. I thought you were, too.
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800. I was in love, Lois.
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801. And I still am.
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802. Not a day goes by
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803. where I don't thank
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804. my lucky stars
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805. for picking you.
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806. It was the best
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807. choice I ever made.
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808. Now,
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809. put that gun down, Gretchen.
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810. You don't have to do this.
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811. That's right, you don't,
Copy !req
812. because you can have him.
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813. What?
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814. I'll never forgive
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815. you for this, Peter.
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816. We're through!
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817. Oh, Peter! I can't wait
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818. for you to meet the dogs
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819. and the squirrels.
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820. Hey, Gretchen?
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821. Get away from my husband.
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822. Wait, so you're not mad?
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823. No, Peter, I was lying
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824. so she'd let her guard down.
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825. But what about the letter?
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826. Peter, do you
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827. remember me crying
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828. at our wedding?
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829. Sure, it's in all
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830. our pictures.
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831. That's doubt.
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832. But there's no
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833. doubt anymore.
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834. You're the only man
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835. for me, Peter Griffin.
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836. Ah!
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837. I love you, Lois.
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838. Oh, Peter.
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839. Now come on,
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840. let's get it on
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841. through a PO box.
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842. Peter,
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843. this isn't working.
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844. Well, I'm at full go.
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845. Are you sure you're
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846. in the right box?
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847. Yes.
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848. Box 528?
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849. Yes, 528.
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850. All right,
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851. just reach in
Copy !req
852. and grab it.
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853. Wow, Mom,
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854. I can't believe you got
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855. fired from the post office.
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856. Well, they didn't like me
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857. beating up Gretchen
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858. on federal property,
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859. and then after your father
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860. plugged up that PO box,
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861. there was a mutual
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862. parting of the ways.
Copy !req
863. Well, Stewie,
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864. I guess since
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865. Lois lost her job,
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866. you're not going
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867. to be able to go
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868. to that fancy
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869. preschool anymore.
Copy !req
870. Ah, I don't need school.
Copy !req
871. I'll be fine.
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872. I'll just
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873. become a YouTube star
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874. like Jenna Marbles.
Copy !req
875. Who's that?
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876. No one knows,
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877. but she's rich.
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878. As rich as
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879. Ray William Johnson.
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880. Who's that?
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881. Nobody knows,
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882. but he's rich.
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883. As rich as Bethany Mota
Copy !req
884. or Marcus Butler
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885. or Ingrid Nilsen.
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886. This? This is over.
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