Family Guy 14x14

1. that all you see

2. and sex on TV

3. good old-fashioned values

4. positively can do

5. that make us

6. We now return to

7. Star Trek: Creep Space Nine.

8. Ah! She saw us!

9. Warp speed!

10. Hey, you guys,

11. you know that song

12. Jimmy Crack Corn?

13. Yeah, it's me and Lois'

14. wedding song. What about it?

15. Well, the whole time

16. the guy's saying

17. he doesn't care that, uh,

18. this Jimmy fella

19. cracked the corn,

20. but yet he wrote

21. an entire song about it.

22. Cared enough

23. to put pen to paper.

24. Are you on vacation?

25. I am.

26. Here's those fries

27. you ordered.

28. And your hot sauce.

29. Hot sauce? On fries?

30. Mmm-hmm.

31. Oh, yeah. Black guys put

32. hot sauce on everything,

33. on account of most of us

34. been pepper-sprayed

35. by the time we're two.

36. Can't taste nothing unless

37. you got that burn on there.

38. This stuff ain't that hot.

39. Whoo!

40. I feel like I'm crying,

41. but, like, out of

42. my neck and back.

43. There it is!

44. If you ain't sweating,

45. you ain't eating.

46. Look at his face.

47. He looks like Oliver Platt

48. climbing a flight of stairs.

49. Hey! That's a low blow.

50. I'm gonna call

51. the network and complain.

52. Where's the phone?

53. It's upstairs, Oliver!

54. Ah, they know

55. what they did.

56. Tell you what, Peter.

57. I'll give you 10 bucks

58. if you drink

59. an entire shot glass

60. of that hot sauce.

61. Let me see the money.

62. You don't believe

63. I have $10?

64. I think he's afraid.

65. Am not!

66. Prove it. Ten bucks.

67. All right.

68. This is for

69. all the teachers

70. who told me I'd never

71. amount to nothing.

72. Oh, my God!

73. That last one was

74. more caliente than hot.

75. But still, holy crap!

76. Well, here's your money.

77. This is awesome!

78. I can get people

79. to pay me ten bucks

80. just for doing stupid stuff?

81. Man, I haven't

82. made money this easy

83. since I invented the Yanket!

84. Peter, what's wrong?

85. Well, I want to masturbate,

86. but I'm just so darn cold.

87. Too bad there's no answer

88. for that problem.

89. But now there is.

90. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin,

91. creator of the Yanket.

92. If you're anything

93. like me,

94. the number-one problem

95. in your life

96. is that you can't

97. masturbate just anywhere.

98. But now you can.

99. Introducing the Yanket,

100. the only blanket with

101. built-in decoy arms.

102. Our patented process

103. makes it look like you're...

104. Or sipping a beer.

105. Meanwhile, your real hands

106. are under the blanket,

107. going to town.

108. Peter, what are you doing?

109. Nothing.

110. Let's watch

111. a Scarlett Johansson movie.

112. But wait, there's more!

113. We have Yankets

114. for all occasions.

115. Hey, what's going on

116. under that blanket?

117. You'll never know.

118. All right, you guys.

119. I will now do

120. anything for $10.

121. Who's got

122. something for me?

123. I got one.

124. I'll give you

125. 10 bucks if you wear

126. the same pair of

127. underwear for a month.

128. Pay up.

129. Actually, you owe me $20.

130. Ew.

131. Here's $50, go change

132. your underwear.

133. It won't come off!

134. Hey, Peter, you want to earn

135. another 10 bucks?

136. Course I do.

137. Great, I got

138. a hilarious one.

139. I'll give you $10

140. for your L4 vertebrae.

141. So, uh, I guess

142. this means

143. Peter, you're our Joe now,

144. and Joe, you're our Peter.

145. That means you got to do

146. anything for 10 bucks.

147. Okay.

148. I have a request.

149. Yay! Joe's chin!

150. Hey, Peter, I just

151. thought of something else

152. you could do for 10 bucks.

153. Yeah, you know what?

154. I'm... Think I'm gonna...

155. I'm upping my price

156. to $12.50.

157. No, you...

158. No, you're locked in at $10.

159. Yeah, no renegotiating!

160. God, it was a joke.

161. Shut... Just point me

162. to the thing.

163. All right, we're gonna

164. open this fire hydrant

165. and you're gonna

166. drink as much water

167. from it as you can.

168. Chris has Crohn's disease.

169. Get down there.

170. Don't tell us that now.

171. I think this is how

172. Anna Nicole Smith died.

173. Don't make light of that.

174. Holy crap!

175. We got to get out of here!

176. Aw, man, the library.

177. White Fang?

178. This is for ruining

179. my eighth-grade summer!

180. Ah!

181. He ruined

182. my summer, too.

183. Oh, hey, Bri.

184. Still sitting

185. in chairs, huh?

186. What'd your back

187. ever do to you?

188. I'm trying to watch.

189. Know what I'm watching?

190. My core.

191. Your body and mind

192. are supposed to be

193. on the same team.

194. Sitting on the hard floor's

195. good for your back, too.

196. Coming up,

197. female high school teacher

198. sleeps with her students.

199. Is she hot? Stay tuned.

200. But first,

201. the public library suffered

202. damage this evening

203. when an area fat man

204. smashed through

205. the front of the building

206. while attempting

207. a drunken stunt.

208. The bus station

209. is expected to absorb

210. the overflow

211. of homeless

212. armpit-washing ladies.

213. Oh, God.

214. Peter, is there something

215. you want to tell me?

216. Ah, yeah, every light

217. in the house is on.

218. Did you destroy

219. the library?

220. Did I destroy the library?

221. No, Lois.

222. That was television.

223. In light of events

224. at the library,

225. we now go live to

226. a press conference

227. at the mayor's residence.

228. Good evening, Quahog.

229. I'm here tonight

230. with the deputy mayor.

231. Hi, everybody!

232. Shut up.

233. Anyway,

234. these types of immature,

235. drunken hijinks

236. are destroying our town.

237. And if we can't

238. trust a 42-year-old man

239. to drink responsibly,

240. then I have no choice

241. but to take action.

242. So, as mayor of Quahog,

243. I hereby raise the town's

244. legal drinking age to 50.

245. What?

246. I can't drink anymore?

247. What am I gonna do?

248. What do people do

249. who don't drink?

250. I don't know. Knit?

251. "Knit"? Knit?

252. Are you kidding me? Maybe.

253. Um... Okay,

254. so it turns out I am, like,

255. crazy good at knitting.

256. (ON TV) Good afternoon,

257. I'm Tom Tucker.

258. It's day three

259. of Quahog's new ban

260. on alcohol for

261. anybody under 50.

262. And if there's one thing

263. the new drinking age law

264. has done,

265. it's let us know that

266. women tell terrible stories.

267. Good to see

268. your eyes open, Tom.

269. For more on this story,

270. we now go to

271. Tricia Takanawa. Tricia?

272. Joyce, I'm standing here

273. on the streets of Quahog,

274. where citizens are

275. feeling the effects

276. of the city's

277. new drinking law.

278. I was going to

279. bone my girlfriend,

280. but she told me that

281. if there wasn't

282. vanilla vodka involved,

283. there was no way.

284. I think we just

285. have to trust

286. our elected officials

287. and Goldman's Pharmacy

288. is fully stocked on

289. cough syrup,

290. which goes great

291. with ginger ale.

292. Well, I do miss drinking,

293. but I have used

294. the time to reconnect

295. with my children

296. and I'm actually

297. thinking about resuming

298. my actuarial practice.

299. Oh, my God,

300. he's just been drunk

301. this whole time?

302. This new law sucks.

303. And I got to say,

304. it was kind of uncool

305. of Mayor West to call it

306. "Peter's Law."

307. No kidding. Now I know

308. how Megan from

309. Megan's Law felt.

310. I don't think

311. you know how she felt.

312. I don't know why

313. I didn't think of

314. this before, guys.

315. We'll just go into

316. the brewery after hours

317. and take some beer.

318. Hey, buddy.

319. It's okay, I work here.

320. Aren't you the guy

321. who cried in that meeting?

322. You know, I just remembered,

323. there's no beer here,

324. let's just go.

325. Peter, why'd you want me

326. to get us into this prison?

327. Because, Joe,

328. everyone knows that

329. all prisoners

330. make bootleg wine

331. in their toilet.

332. We are gonna get

333. so wasted!

334. Oh, look, right here.

335. This one's full

336. of Chardonnay.

337. Peter, I don't

338. think that's...

339. But it was Chardonnay.

340. The best Chardonnay

341. I'd ever had in my life.

342. The man who made it,

343. Curtis "Murder Dog" Williams,

344. went on to become

345. one of America's most

346. celebrated vintners.

347. Hey, Joe here.

348. Peter's lying.

349. He drank pee-pee.

350. Don't worry, guys.

351. If we can't buy

352. alcohol in Quahog,

353. we'll just go to

354. the next town over.

355. Sorry, in this town,

356. you can only buy alcohol

357. if you're dressed

358. head-to-toe in jeans.

359. What? Who made that law?

360. Our mayor, Jay Leno.

361. Have you seen

362. some of these laws they've

363. got now about denim?

364. You know, I say,

365. if you don't like it,

366. you may as well Levi's.

367. Who's voting

368. for these mayors?

369. Rhode Island's a mess

370. from top to bottom.

371. I tell you, guys,

372. getting alcohol

373. when you're underage

374. isn't as easy

375. as Obama's daughters

376. make it look.

377. What? Is that true?

378. I don't know.

379. Hey, isn't that

380. your dog at the bar?

381. Hey, Jerome,

382. one more, neat.

383. What the hell?

384. Why's Jerome

385. serving booze to Brian?

386. I don't know,

387. but I'm gonna find out.

388. Come here, boy! Come on!

389. Hey, what's up?

390. We going for

391. a ride in the car?

392. No, no,

393. I had a question for you.

394. Don't ever fucking do that

395. unless you have

396. a car ride to offer.

397. How come you're

398. allowed to drink?

399. Yeah, you're not 50.

400. Actually, I am.

401. I'm 56 in dog years.

402. Oh! Is that why

403. you got white pubic hair?

404. I'll thank you not to

405. check out my pubic hair.

406. Well, then don't go

407. flashing it around.

408. Put on some underpants,

409. you crazy old man.

410. Peter, I think

411. you're missing the point.

412. Brian can buy us booze.

413. Oh, my God,

414. you're right!

415. Would you do

416. that for us, Brian?

417. Sure, why not?

418. Oh, thank God.

419. 'Cause just sitting

420. here all sober

421. is more boring

422. than watching a pot boil.

423. Hey, you.

424. What are you doing?

425. I like to watch.

426. I want to watch you boil.

427. I can't do it

428. with you watching.

429. Oh, not even if I do this?

430. Don't do that!

431. Oh, God, that's so hot.

432. Oh, yeah? Then why don't

433. I take your top off?

434. Oh! Oh. I'm boiling!

435. I'm boiling!

436. Yeah. Now I'm gonna stick

437. my raw pasta in you.

438. Peter,

439. what's going on in there?

440. Making dinner, babe.

441. that's more than real

442. Here's how you feel

443. Your right leg up

444. Let's finish the cup

445. with Charlie Chan

446. we bring the Monkey with us

447. most definitely

448. and I rock well

449. That's where I dwell

450. Hey, hey, Brian, Brian.

451. How would

452. you like to build,

453. build a deck right now

454. with your buddy?

455. 'Cause we got hammers,

456. the whole deal.

457. I don't know, man.

458. It's pretty dark out.

459. That's okay.

460. I'll just pull

461. my car around

462. and point

463. the headlights at it.

464. Did you know that my dad

465. once called me "a mistake"?

466. That's messed up, man. Wow!

467. You know, Brian,

468. hanging out with you

469. this past week

470. has been awesome.

471. Yeah, why don't we

472. do this anymore?

473. We used to do fun stuff

474. all the time, you know?

475. It used to be you and me.

476. And it always

477. will be, pal.

478. Hey, listen, listen.

479. I want you to be

480. Meg's godfather.

481. No, thanks, Peter.

482. But this here,

483. we got to keep this going.

484. I agree, buddy, I agree.

485. All right,

486. I'm gonna go barf down

487. the garbage disposal.

488. Brian, I think we can get

489. John Mayer to stop

490. tweeting again,

491. but we all got

492. to work together.

493. Oh, my God!

494. Are you drunk again?

495. Yeah, I was just hanging out

496. with my main man, Peter.

497. "Main man"?

498. "Hanging out"?

499. Brian, he's only

500. using you to buy alcohol!

501. What? What are...

502. What are you,

503. what are you talking about?

504. It hasn't dawned on you

505. that he only started

506. spending time with you

507. when the drinking age

508. was raised?

509. Come on, that's,

510. that's not true.

511. Ah, shoot, I puked in

512. the clean dishes' side.

513. Trust me, as soon

514. as you're no longer

515. of use to him,

516. he'll be done with you.

517. Oh, I get it, I get it.

518. Okay, you're...

519. You're jealous

520. 'cause I'm spending

521. all my time with Peter.

522. Oh, yeah.

523. Yeah, right.

524. Yeah, where's my dumb,

525. morbidly obese friend?

526. Hey, Stewie,

527. get in here!

528. I'm being an '80s

529. computer hacker!

530. Come on, baby,

531. show me what you got.

532. And we are in!

533. All right, I'd better go.

534. I got to go tell him

535. "This isn't a game, man."

536. Brian, do you have

537. any idea why Peter

538. was trying to climb

539. in the dishwasher?

540. I thought it was

541. a Tokyo apartment.

542. Sorry, Lois, we...

543. I guess we had a little

544. too much to drink.

545. "To drink"?

546. It's against the law

547. for him to do that!

548. Was Stewie in here?

549. Was he in here?

550. I smell his cologne.

551. Listen to me, Brian.

552. No more booze in this house.

553. You're gonna get us

554. all in trouble.

555. Peter, maybe we should find

556. someplace else to drink.

557. Yeah, I think you're right.

558. Hi, we're here

559. from the '80s FBI.

560. Somebody here

561. with a 2,400-baud modem

562. almost started World War III.

563. Oh, sounds like

564. they're making an escape.

565. Hey, you want to

566. see me run up that slide?

567. Sure.

568. Oh, damn it! I think my

569. belt buckle cut my gut!

570. Hey, Peter,

571. can I ask you something?

572. You're not just

573. hanging out with me

574. because I can

575. buy you alcohol, right?

576. What? 'Course not.

577. We're friends.

578. Yeah, no, I know.

579. That's what I thought.

580. And also you bring me

581. dead birds.

582. I know Lois

583. gets mad about it,

584. but I like using them

585. to point at things.

586. Hey, did they move

587. the bagels?

588. Yeah, they're right there.

589. Oh, my God!

590. What the hell is that?

591. This? This is

592. a pointing bird.

593. All right, I just saw

594. a sprinkler come on,

595. so I'm gonna go

596. bite at the water

597. a little bit.

598. Hey, what's going on here?

599. Ah, some butthorn's

600. shining a flashlight on me.

601. I meant

602. prior to me coming up

603. and investigating this.

604. Well, you got to be

605. clearer, man. I'm wasted.

606. Sir, I'm gonna

607. need to see some I.D.

608. You look underage.

609. Just as I suspected.

610. You're a minor.

611. It ain't my fault!

612. Somebody's been

613. buying it for me

614. and all my friends!

615. Oh, is that right?

616. Well, you better

617. tell me who that is

618. or you're

619. in a lot of trouble.

620. Hey, is this the park

621. where Boner died?

622. Wait, what's going on?

623. That's him, Officer!

624. That's who's been

625. buying us the booze!

626. What?

627. You get home, son.

628. You're lucky

629. I'm letting you off

630. with a warning.

631. But you,

632. you're coming with me.

633. You got to be kidding!

634. Do you need a ride?

635. I'm just gonna stay here

636. until the sun comes up

637. and then be the best

638. at tetherball.

639. Next!

640. What are you in for?

641. I bought some

642. alcohol for someone

643. I thought was my friend.

644. How about you?

645. I threw a bottle of rum

646. through the window

647. of the Apple Store.

648. I couldn't

649. remember me password.

650. Well, this sucks.

651. Oh, it's not so bad.

652. Sometimes they let you take

653. the good trash home

654. if you ask nice.

655. Last week,

656. I got an old greeting card.

657. It obviously wasn't for me,

658. but the imagination's

659. a hell of a thing.

660. Hey, Brian,

661. what time you get off?

662. Me and the guys

663. were hoping you could

664. buy us some more beer.

665. You can't be serious.

666. It's a little bit serious.

667. Yeah, I haven't

668. been drunk in a day

669. and I'm not feeling

670. particularly handsome.

671. Peter, you're the reason

672. I'm here!

673. You totally sold me out

674. to that cop!

675. Oh, are we just gonna

676. play the blame game?

677. 'Cause I got another

678. game I'd rather play.

679. Boggle.

680. Go to hell! You used me.

681. That's not what friends do.

682. It's what Adam Sandler's

683. friends do.

684. Now, if you'll excuse me,

685. I've got a half a can

686. of hot beer left

687. in this open container

688. I've been

689. driving around with.

690. You, too, pig.

691. Well, I'm not

692. the smartest man

693. in the world,

694. but I can always

695. look back on my life

696. and say I went for it.

697. Ugh! This seems

698. like a weird place

699. to even use a condom.

700. Just shut up, Peter.

701. I'm done with you,

702. all right?

703. You completely lied

704. about why you were

705. hanging out with me.

706. What? I never lie.

707. Well, except for that

708. one time.

709. Oh, my God!

710. My husband's having

711. a heart attack!

712. Is anyone here a doctor?

713. I have a 13-inch penis!

714. And besides,

715. I'm sick of you acting

716. like you're such a victim.

717. You agreed

718. to buy us booze,

719. 'cause we weren't

720. old enough.

721. You're not old enough?

722. You're a man

723. in his 40s!

724. This whole law

725. is ridiculous!

726. Hey, can one

727. of you guys with elbows

728. try to get

729. this truck to honk?

730. Ah! That and giving noogies

731. is what I miss most about

732. having elbows.

733. You know, Brian,

734. what you said

735. is right.

736. This law is stupid.

737. I mean,

738. if it weren't for that,

739. we never would've

740. been in this fight.

741. Yeah, but what difference

742. does it make?

743. It's the law.

744. Nothing we can do about it.

745. The hell there's not.

746. I bet if we worked together

747. we could find a way

748. to change it back.

749. I don't know, Peter.

750. Come on,

751. I know it seems hard,

752. we can't just give up.

753. I mean,

754. what if Thomas Edison

755. had given up?

756. Uh... What's that?

757. What's that thing

758. you're working on?

759. Well, it's

760. a lightbulb and...

761. A lightbulb!

762. Lightbulb!

763. Yeah, I invented that.

764. Me! I'm Thomas Edison.

765. I invented the lightbulb.

766. What's it do?

767. It lights up a room

768. using electrical...

769. Lights up a room

770. using electrical stuff!

771. I was about to say that,

772. because I invented it!

773. What are you working on?

774. It's a phonograph...

775. Phonograph! I knew that,

776. 'cause I invented it.

777. I'm Thomas Edison.

778. I rule!

779. Okay, Peter,

780. I know how we can

781. get the law changed.

782. I've been doing

783. some research,

784. and it says here

785. that in eight months,

786. we can get

787. a non-binding proposition

788. on the ballot

789. as long as we get

790. 4,000 signatures.

791. Ah, screw that,

792. we're going with plan B...

793. Threaten to kill

794. the mayor's nephew.

795. I love you, Dad!

796. Peter, that's your son.

797. Shut up, Brian!

798. He's hugging me!

799. So, what exactly

800. is your plan, here?

801. You'll see.

802. Just follow my lead.

803. Ooh! Trick-or-treaters!

804. Well, what do we

805. have here?

806. A cowboy and a princess?

807. Uh...

808. Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Mayor.

809. Oh! A Western princess!

810. All right, listen,

811. we want that

812. drinking law gone.

813. And everybody knows

814. the best way to get

815. any law struck down

816. is to get

817. the gays angry about it.

818. Bruce? Jeffrey?

819. That's right, Mr. Mayor!

820. I needs my Proseccos!

821. What are you talking about?

822. You're 52.

823. You said you was 39!

824. I was just trying

825. to get you in bed.

826. I thought we'd both

827. be dead by now.

828. Crap. But come on,

829. you got to change that law!

830. I mean, it's already

831. ruined a friendship

832. with one of

833. the best guys I know!

834. Adam, who's at the door?

835. Oh, hi, Brian.

836. Hi, Peter.

837. Wait a minute.

838. Is that... Is that wine?

839. Yeah, Adam just

840. poured me a little

841. before dinner.

842. Wow! You guys eat late.

843. No, Peter, don't you see?

844. Carol's underage, too!

845. The mayor just broke

846. his own law!

847. Mmm. That's a good point.

848. I guess I'll just

849. have to resign in scandal

850. while leaving

851. the law intact.

852. Or you could

853. just change the law.

854. But it's a good law.

855. No, it ain't!

856. Look, don't you understand

857. what drinking means

858. to us working stiffs?

859. It helps us

860. forget about our day

861. and tell our children

862. we love 'em

863. with a straight face.

864. It allows gross uggos

865. to boof each other's

866. gross uggo parts.

867. And it gives people

868. the courage to sneak

869. onto their mayor's property

870. and blackmail him and eat

871. all his ripe tomatoes.

872. That was a croquet ball.

873. Ah, then could you point me

874. to the closest

875. nighttime dentist?

876. So listen, Mr. Mayor,

877. what do you say

878. about that law?

879. All right,

880. I'll repeal it.

881. But only

882. if you send me and Carol

883. a copy of that picture.

884. We don't have a lot

885. of the two of us together.

886. Brian, we did it!

887. We got him to change

888. the law!

889. Just goes to show,

890. if anybody

891. wants a law changed,

892. they should just go

893. to their mayor's house.

894. Hey, I, uh...

895. I appreciate what you said

896. there about our friendship.

897. Well, to be honest, Brian,

898. at first I did just

899. want you to buy us beer.

900. But then the more

901. we were hanging out,

902. I remembered how much fun

903. we used to have together.

904. I guess

905. after all these years,

906. I started taking you

907. for granted.

908. But you're still

909. my best friend.

910. Even if I don't

911. always act like it.

912. I enjoyed

913. hanging out with you, too.

914. Thanks, Peter.

915. Hey, on your way out,

916. could you put this

917. in my mailbox

918. for the mailman?

919. Uh, sure.

920. Put the flag up?

921. Of course

922. put the flag up!

923. Jeez, mail much?

924. Well, Peter, I'm just happy

925. that you and Brian

926. managed to get

927. that law repealed,

928. and that you're finally

929. friends again.

930. Me, too, Lois.

931. Good to have my

932. drinking buddy back.

933. Yay! Everybody's happy!

934. I love this family!

935. I draped that over him.

936. He was just doing it

937. out in the open.