Family Guy 14x12

1. We now return

2. to the NBA on TNT... on LSD.

3. Man, I'm out my mind!

4. Okay, my mom will be here

5. any minute for our spa day.

6. "Spa," S-P-A.

7. Yes, very good, Peter.

8. And remember, while we're

9. off getting our massages,

10. you and Daddy are gonna

11. spend the day together here.

12. Aw, I don't want

13. to hang out with him.

14. He's, like, not

15. ticklish anywhere.

16. Look, I'm sorry,

17. but my mom said

18. he can't be left alone

19. at home anymore.

20. Last time, he went crazy and

21. moved all the furniture around.

22. Hello, dear.

23. Oh, I always forget

24. you walk right into

25. the living room in your house.

26. Hey, do you have

27. a Band-Aid?

28. Nothing happened,

29. but I'm bleeding.

30. You know what, I'll just

31. rummage through your bathroom.

32. Man, spending

33. a whole day with him

34. is gonna be worse

35. than eating at a ball park.

36. Uh, I'll take

37. one terrible beer,

38. filled up way too high,

39. so I spill most of it,

40. and a too-long hot dog

41. on a too-short bun.

42. And do you have

43. mustard and relish?

44. Yeah, it's right there

45. between the entrance

46. and the exit to

47. the bathroom.

48. Perfect. And can I get

49. a bag of unsalted peanuts?

50. You know, something

51. I would never eat

52. anywhere else in the world?

53. Sure, here you go.

54. Great, great.

55. I can't wait to have diarrhea

56. in the stall with no door

57. while 20 guys wait

58. for me to finish.

59. No.

60. Ah, no.

61. All right,

62. left cankle, red.

63. Right muffin top, blue.

64. Sorry.

65. Ugh, God, kill me.

66. Stewie, I can't take any more

67. of Meg and her gross friends.

68. Ah, ah,

69. hang on, hang on.

70. I'm just finishing up

71. an e-mail to Delta.

72. "I have never not screamed

73. at the top of my lungs

74. during air pressure changes, and

75. I do not intend to stop now."

76. Okay, what was it?

77. Meg's friends.

78. They're just so loud

79. and boring and annoying.

80. Well, not everybody can be

81. as fascinating as you, Brian.

82. Thanks for coming by.

83. Hey, Brian, Mom

84. took the car.

85. Can you give me and my friends

86. a ride to field hockey practice?

87. Uh, I'm kind of helping Stewie

88. with an e-mail to Delta.

89. Please, Brian.

90. It would get them

91. out of the house.

92. Well, that's true.

93. And I gotta do something,

94. 'cause they're more annoying

95. than ants at a picnic.

96. Would you mind

97. turning that down?

98. And you're not supposed

99. to be grilling.

100. I know you can

101. understand me.

102. So... what, uh, what

103. do you want to do?

104. I don't know.

105. Sucks that we're

106. stuck here alone.

107. Wait a minute,

108. here alone.

109. You thinking what

110. I'm thinking?

111. This was not

112. what I was thinking.

113. That's weird, it's not

114. what I was thinking either.

115. I don't even know

116. how it happened.

117. No, me neither, but this

118. spaghetti's not half bad.

119. A "happy mistake,"

120. we'll call it.

121. Now what do you

122. want to do?

123. Well, we could

124. watch porn.

125. Have you heard

126. of porn?

127. Is that something

128. you're aware of?

129. You have postcards

130. from France?

131. No, no, no, like...

132. like, on the computer.

133. There's like tons

134. and tons of videos

135. of people doing

136. it on there.

137. Wait, l-let me understand:

138. You want to watch

139. that with me?

140. Well, not anymore,

141. you just made it weird.

142. But there's other

143. stuff on there.

144. You want to see a guy in

145. a human-sized hamster ball

146. roll off a mountain?

147. Uh, yeah.

148. So this is in Russia?

149. Somebody's gonna

150. slow him down, right?

151. Whoa!

152. I got

153. to e-mail that to Babs.

154. She hates people.

155. Huh, got a new e-mail here.

156. And it's from a Nigerian prince.

157. It says he's got millions

158. frozen in an account.

159. All he needs is a hundred grand

160. to pay legal fees,

161. and then as soon as he gets his

162. money, I get a million bucks.

163. Wow, and he must

164. need it quick,

165. 'cause there was, like, a

166. bazillion typos in that e-mail.

167. You got to send

168. that money.

169. You think so?

170. Absolutely.

171. I mean, can you imagine if

172. you make a million bucks?

173. You'll be happier than the

174. guy on his wedding day.

175. Thanks, everyone.

176. Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Dad.

177. Good-bye, friends.

178. Good-bye, free time.

179. Farewell, sex.

180. So long, golf on TV.

181. I'll miss you, privacy.

182. Good-bye, being honest

183. about how many beers I've had.

184. Nice knowing you,

185. my own choices.

186. See ya later, money!

187. Thanks for

188. the ride, Brian.

189. Yeah, and thanks

190. for the lecture

191. on what real music is,

192. Mr. Griffin.

193. Geez, how many Snickers

194. could they eat

195. in a five-minute car ride?

196. Ah, crap, somebody left

197. their gym bag.

198. God, it would've been real

199. easy to bring a gun in here.

200. Where the hell'd they go?

201. Oh, whoops.

202. Wow.

203. Holy crap.

204. That was Patty.

205. And she's got

206. a smokin' hot body.

207. This is a bigger surprise

208. than when I found out

209. Joe was a clown.

210. I think

211. that belongs to me.

212. I'm sorry you had

213. to find out this way.

214. Okay.

215. You won't tell

216. anyone, will you?

217. No.

218. You can tell people.

219. Hey, so how

220. was the spa?

221. Oh, it was fine, though

222. I don't know why they made us

223. face each other during

224. the mother-daughter bikini wax.

225. Did you two have

226. a nice afternoon?

227. Sure did.

228. I made a million dollars!

229. What? How?

230. Carter sent $100,000

231. to a Nigerian prince

232. who's gonna give

233. him a million.

234. Oh, Peter, don't tell me

235. you two fell for that scam.

236. What? What are you

237. talking about?

238. It's the oldest

239. e-mail scam out there.

240. Their assets are frozen,

241. you cover legal fees.

242. Blah, blah, blah.

243. Oh, my God, he did say,

244. "Blah, blah, blah."

245. You're never getting

246. that money back.

247. What? So that-that money's

248. just been Josh Hartnett-ed?

249. What's that?

250. Gone! Disappeared!

251. Never to be

252. heard from again!

253. Isn't he in that

254. Showtime thing

255. with the blood

256. and the hats?

257. Look, the point is

258. I was swindled.

259. I guess so.

260. Well, come on, Mom,

261. the man was very specific

262. that we need to go

263. put lotion on each other.

264. Geez, I'm really

265. sorry, Carter.

266. But at least you

267. have your health.

268. Oh...

269. You know,

270. this is your fault.

271. You're the one

272. who said I should do it!

273. Mm-hmm, there's

274. that judgy-ness

275. Babs is always calling

276. me and talking about.

277. Look, nobody steals

278. from Carter Pewterschmidt.

279. I am going to Africa

280. and getting my money back.

281. And you're coming with me.

282. Africa?

283. We're going to Africa?

284. I wonder if it

285. will change us.

286. But, of course,

287. it did change us.

288. I've been working here for 50

289. years, pretending I'm a woman.

290. Do you ever

291. regret not having children,

292. Mother Bernadette?

293. Oh, I've had many children.

294. We now return

295. to Kevin James Got Too Fat

296. To Be In Movies.

297. Kevin James, why'd you have

298. to come back to television?

299. I ate Adam Sandler.

300. Uh, yoo-hoo!

301. I'm in here

302. with the pizza.

303. Okay, time to go to Africa

304. and get my money back.

305. Are you ready?

306. I was born three

307. months early.

308. Peter, who's

309. that at the door?

310. Oh, just so you know, I didn't

311. tell Lois where we're going,

312. and I couldn't be

313. touched until I was two.

314. Daddy, what are

315. you doing here?

316. Oh, hey, Lois.

317. Uh, Carter and I are going away

318. for the next week or so.

319. You are? Where?

320. Oh, uh... we're, uh...

321. I mean, um...

322. Pinterest!

323. Wow, sounds great.

324. Have fun.

325. This is getting easier.

326. Now I just say

327. daytime-mom words.

328. Okay, so see you soon,

329. and... Chablis The View.

330. Aw, you too,

331. sweetheart.

332. Bye.

333. I'm telling you, you wouldn't

334. believe Patty's body.

335. Just, uh, a tiny waist,

336. firm butt, great rack.

337. I know, and she's

338. in high school.

339. It's, like,

340. 7:00 a.m., dude.

341. Calm down.

342. Meg, hey, how's it going?

343. Uh, hey, Brian.

344. Cool, that's

345. great to hear.

346. Hey, where's Patty?

347. Oh, I don't know.

348. Probably at her house?

349. You're

350. hilarious, Meg.

351. Hey, so, uh, what kind of movies

352. do you and your friends like?

353. Well, Ruth likes...

354. Not her.

355. Esther likes...

356. Not her.

357. I like...

358. Patty, just Patty.

359. Oh, she loves anything

360. where a teenage girl

361. is sick and dies of cancer.

362. Or any movie where

363. a character is named Patty.

364. Ugh, she loses

365. her mind for that.

366. Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox,

367. you better get off to school.

368. Wow, you're really

369. obsessed with Patty.

370. You want her even more than

371. I wanted the new iPhone.

372. How's it going?

373. Good.

374. Just looking forward to

375. getting that new phone.

376. What are you

377. talking about?

378. This isn't

379. the Apple store.

380. This is

381. a super-gay club.

382. Yeah, right, I leave

383. and you get my phone.

384. Nice try, cutie pie.

385. Wow, there's so much

386. wildlife in Africa.

387. You know, they say there's

388. some animal species here

389. that haven't even

390. been discovered yet.

391. Is that right?

392. Yes, that is right.

393. Oh, my God,

394. look over there!

395. That African warlord

396. is brutalizing

397. those innocent people.

398. Yeah, but it's okay,

399. because he's wearing

400. a large cowboy hat

401. and follows everything

402. with "hamburger,"

403. like that stand-up

404. comic from the '90s.

405. We are going to force all these

406. young boys to be child soldiers.

407. Hamburger.

408. After 18 hours in the mines,

409. we are going to check

410. your butts for diamonds.

411. Hamburger.

412. I get it.

413. If you do not work

414. on my rubber plantation,

415. I will burn your tongues.

416. Oh, my God!

417. Hamburger.

418. Ah, I found him.

419. Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.

420. He made it to YouTube.

421. Must be filthy rich.

422. Oh, my God!

423. I didn't expect to

424. see you guys here.

425. So teenagers know

426. about the mall, too?

427. Know what

428. about the mall?

429. Yeah, right?

430. Boy, the day I'm having.

431. I actually made

432. one too many Build-a-Bears

433. for the cancer kids.

434. If only I could build

435. a cure, huh?

436. Aw...

437. Hey, you know

438. what, Patty?

439. Why don't you take

440. the extra one?

441. Wow, thanks, Brian.

442. Yeah, that's cool, Brian.

443. Will you buy me a hat at Lids?

444. No. You know, Patty,

445. I've got $7.50 left

446. on my Panda Express card,

447. if you want to split

448. a three-item combo.

449. No drink.

450. Sure!

451. Well, then, hop on board

452. the Panda Express!

453. In bed, right?

454. Like-like with the fortune

455. cookies, you know...

456. Brian, can I talk

457. to you for a second?

458. What the hell

459. is going on?

460. You're hitting on Patty

461. and it's gross.

462. She's 18!

463. Stop it!

464. Me?

465. Meg, I am not even

466. going to dignify that

467. with a mall erection.

468. Don't...

469. don't look down.

470. Well, we made it.

471. East Bola.

472. All right, let's find our

473. "prince" and get my money back.

474. Get down!

475. On the ground!

476. This is unacceptable.

477. I demand to speak

478. to Anthony Anderson.

479. Okay, hold on.

480. Shoot me if you must,

481. but it is imperative

482. that I answer this call.

483. Yello?

484. Yes, this is Peter Griffin.

485. Yes, I did call you about the

486. eight-piece lawn croquet set.

487. Now, it says "weathered,"

488. just how weathered is it?

489. Yeah, go ahead and send me

490. a pic, that'd be very helpful.

491. Sir, shoot me if you must,

492. but it is imperative

493. that I look at these pictures.

494. The hell with this.

495. I'm getting my money back

496. if it's the last

497. thing I do.

498. Hey, here's the guys.

499. Who are you

500. and why are you here?

501. I'm Carter Pewterschmidt,

502. and I'm here because

503. you stole my money!

504. You?

505. You are Carter Pewterschmidt?

506. You're damn right I am!

507. Oh! It's him!

508. It's the Great Father

509. Pewterschmidt!

510. What's happening?

511. What's he talking about?

512. You are a great hero to us.

513. It is with the money

514. that you sent

515. that we have been able to make

516. many wonderful improvements

517. to our village.

518. And he used my computer.

519. I'm Griff, by the way,

520. that's what everybody calls me.

521. That's not true.

522. Nobody calls him that.

523. It was your money that

524. paid for the school,

525. a well to provide

526. clean drinking water,

527. our first health clinic,

528. and a Redbox with

529. one movie in it.

530. It's Baby Geniuses.

531. Which I, personally,

532. could begin watching

533. at any point in the film

534. and enjoy from there.

535. Oh, yeah, that's how

536. I feel about that video

537. of Kelsey Grammer

538. fallin' off the stage.

539. I don't understand.

540. So there never was

541. a Nigerian prince?

542. No. You see, no one will

543. actually give money to Africa

544. unless they are tricked into it.

545. So again, we thank you

546. for your generosity,

547. Father Pewterschmidt.

548. Well, I hope you enjoyed it...

549. 'cause I'm taking it all back.

550. What?

551. What?

552. You heard me!

553. Nobody steals

554. from Carter Pewterschmidt

555. and gets away with it!

556. Carter, why you

557. bein' so mean?

558. The money's spent.

559. And look how happy

560. you made these people.

561. Talk to me—

562. it's your buddy Griff.

563. Tear it all down! Now.

564. Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.

565. What is Kwanzaa?

566. Ah!

567. I knew it wasn't real!

568. Hey, there, babe.

569. Hey, Brian.

570. You ready?

571. Got the Smash Mouth

572. cued up in the Pri.

573. Brian, what are you doing here?

574. I'm here to

575. pick up Patty.

576. We're going to see a movie

577. called Brittany Finds a Lump.

578. You're parked in

579. Mr. Tackleman's space.

580. You're going on a date

581. with Patty?

582. I told you to back off.

583. And since when

584. do you wear high-tops?

585. What, my kicks?

586. Ah, it's nothin'.

587. I just use these

588. for Instagram.

589. That's something I like!

590. Ah, shut up, Esther!

591. All right, we're out of here.

592. Feel free to use the seat

593. warmer, keep that box hot.

594. Geez, I can't believe you're

595. going through with this, Carter.

596. Paying these thugs

597. to tear down the village

598. isn't gonna bring

599. your money back.

600. This isn't about the money.

601. This is payback for Sammy

602. Davis dating Kim Novak.

603. Oh, come on, Carter,

604. don't do this.

605. You don't want to be

606. the first white guy

607. to do something

608. bad to Africa.

609. Are you about done?

610. I'm supposed to go

611. lion shooting

612. with a scumbag dentist.

613. Oh, my God, they're even taking

614. down the mosquito netting.

615. No, Carter, I can't

616. let you do this!

617. I won't stand by

618. and let you further ruin

619. this terrible place!

620. Oh, is that right?

621. Yes, that is right.

622. Here's 5,000 bucks.

623. Lock up that fat-ass.

624. Damn it, this sucks.

625. I may never get out of here.

626. Well, as a man

627. falsely imprisoned in Africa,

628. I have no choice but to write

629. a memoir of my struggles.

630. "Chapter One:

631. "Harry Potter's aunt and uncle

632. were super mean.

633. "'Spank me harder,' the lady

634. says to Fifty Shades of Grey.

635. "'That's Mr. Fifty

636. Shades of Grey

637. "to you,

638. Kate from Ben and Kate.'

639. "And then he turned her butt

640. inside out.

641. Because, sexy."

642. "'Isn't that special,'

643. said the Church Lady,

644. "before reporting

645. for her botched surgery.

646. "Anyway, I'm here in a prison

647. against my will,

648. "and I should be free.

649. The end."

650. Take this, Cheebo.

651. Take this to a French-Canadian

652. flight attendant.

653. And he will give it

654. to everybody.

655. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

656. Our top story:

657. sinking newscaster.

658. Just kidding, it's the chair.

659. But, in other news, domestic

660. abuse enthusiast Paul Simon

661. has released a new song

662. inspired by a memoir

663. written by Quahog's

664. own Peter Griffin,

665. who has been falsely imprisoned

666. by his father-in-law

667. in an African jail.

668. Oh, for God's sake.

669. I bet there's not one word

670. about you in that book.

671. Wow, what a beautiful night.

672. Yeah.

673. Hey, I wonder if any of those

674. stars are wishing on us, huh?

675. You're so deep.

676. I betcha you're

677. pretty deep, too.

678. Aw, you're so sweet.

679. Why are you so nice to me?

680. Most guys never give me

681. the time of day

682. because I'm so plain-looking.

683. Well, I'm not

684. like most guys.

685. I can see past

686. that sweater.

687. Speaking of which,

688. why don't we get rid

689. of that big old thing?

690. Brian, stop!

691. You don't have

692. to do this, Patty.

693. Brian's just taking

694. advantage of you.

695. What? That's crazy!

696. What?

697. Why would he do that?

698. Because you have

699. an amazing body.

700. I do?

701. But... you're always saying

702. dumpy girls like us

703. only have each other.

704. You're not dumpy.

705. I was just saying that

706. because I was worried

707. you'd become popular

708. and not want to be friends

709. with us anymore.

710. Meg, I'm $18

711. into this evening,

712. so can you maybe

713. just get out of here?

714. Meg, that's silly.

715. I'll always be your friend.

716. You promise?

717. Oh, come on, what the hell?

718. Bummer.

719. He's never gonna

720. get to hit that.

721. I know. That's exactly

722. what I wished for.

723. Well, I actually wished

724. for it 30,000 years ago.

725. It's true.

726. Even at the speed of light,

727. mean-spirited thoughts

728. from the stars

729. can take thousands or

730. even millions of years

731. to reach the Earth.

732. Ham-burger.

733. Now wait, let me

734. get this straight:

735. none of you guys has

736. ever heard of Bono?

737. He says he knows you.

738. Daddy! What the hell

739. are you doing?

740. You threw Peter in jail?

741. Hey, Pumpkin, welcome!

742. Whatever you do, don't tell

743. them you have a clitoris.

744. Yeah, they told me

745. that at the embassy.

746. Look, I'm sorry

747. you got swindled,

748. but you can't treat

749. people this way.

750. You let Peter out of

751. that jail right now.

752. And give these

753. people back

754. their health clinic

755. and their school.

756. No!

757. Hi, Lois!

758. I like your shorts!

759. Bye, Lois!

760. Oh, my God!

761. Enough is enough!

762. That's your son-in-law!

763. And my husband!

764. I know how

765. families work, Lois.

766. All right.

767. Let him go.

768. Yay!

769. Lois, how much was your flight

770. and which card

771. did you put it on?

772. Daddy, I don't

773. understand any of this.

774. I mean, you've

775. always been grouchy,

776. but why are you being

777. so mean-spirited?

778. What's gotten into you?

779. What's gotten into me?

780. I'm angry!

781. For God's sake, I can't

782. even be left alone

783. in my own house

784. for an afternoon.

785. You have to drop me

786. off at your house

787. so this fat idiot

788. can babysit me!

789. I'm old and it sucks!

790. I'm sorry, Daddy.

791. I realize growing old is no fun,

792. but this is no way to act.

793. I know.

794. I'm sorry I almost had you shot.

795. Oh, that's all right.

796. I got a fever

797. of a 108.

798. I'm not gonna

799. remember any of this.

800. And I'm sorry for what

801. I did to your village, Dave.

802. His name is "Dave"?

803. Yeah. Get to know

804. these people, okay?

805. Listen, when I get home,

806. I'll transfer enough money

807. so you can rebuild your town.

808. You've all been very kind.

809. Yeah, this has been great, guys.

810. Now all I need is a group photo

811. of me kneeling

812. in the front of the village,

813. so I can brag about

814. what a good person I am.

815. Captioned by

816. Media Access Group at WGBH