1. We now return to Wes Anderson'sCopy !req
2. Pan Up, Pan Down,Copy !req
3. French Song, The End.Copy !req
4. Wow, that was amazing, I think!Copy !req
5. All right, everyone,Copy !req
6. it's time to open upCopy !req
7. our bank statements.Copy !req
8. Let's gatherCopy !req
9. 'round for prayer.Copy !req
10. Hey, God, it's the Griffins.Copy !req
11. Again, we're very sorryCopy !req
12. we cyber-bulliedCopy !req
13. that girl to death.Copy !req
14. But we still want a snowmobile.Copy !req
15. Today, though,Copy !req
16. please let there be moneyCopy !req
17. in our bank account.Copy !req
18. Amen.Copy !req
19. Amen.Copy !req
20. Amen.Copy !req
21. Amen.Copy !req
22. Damn it.Copy !req
23. It didn't work.Copy !req
24. We're still poor.Copy !req
25. Peter, every month our savingsCopy !req
26. get smaller and smaller.Copy !req
27. We really gottaCopy !req
28. figure out a better wayCopy !req
29. to budget for thisCopy !req
30. family's future.Copy !req
31. Bitcoin.Copy !req
32. What?Copy !req
33. I don't know.Copy !req
34. This is serious.Copy !req
35. We need to thinkCopy !req
36. about our kids' education.Copy !req
37. Of course, it's already too lateCopy !req
38. for Meg to go to college.Copy !req
39. And Chris is too dumbCopy !req
40. to get in anywhere.Copy !req
41. Yay!Copy !req
42. No, Chris.Copy !req
43. Not yay.Copy !req
44. But there's stillCopy !req
45. time for Stewie.Copy !req
46. Let's sit down laterCopy !req
47. and see if we can figure outCopy !req
48. a plan to get ourCopy !req
49. finances in order.Copy !req
50. Eh, don't worryCopy !req
51. about it, Lois.Copy !req
52. I will always provideCopy !req
53. for the family.Copy !req
54. Even if I have toCopy !req
55. shoot our dinner.Copy !req
56. This will look greatCopy !req
57. in my study.Copy !req
58. I'm a hunter,Copy !req
59. but I'm a silly hunter.Copy !req
60. Hey, don't fill up on that.Copy !req
61. We got breakfast coming.Copy !req
62. Hey, Peter, I thinkCopy !req
63. I figured out one wayCopy !req
64. we can save moneyCopy !req
65. for Stewie's college.Copy !req
66. If we bundle our cableCopy !req
67. and Internet together,Copy !req
68. we can saveCopy !req
69. $14 a month.Copy !req
70. No! Bundling isCopy !req
71. a sign of defeat!Copy !req
72. Plus, I figured outCopy !req
73. something better.Copy !req
74. A metal detector.Copy !req
75. What?Copy !req
76. Yeah, it combines two ofCopy !req
77. America's greatest resources:Copy !req
78. garbage and luck.Copy !req
79. That's stupid,Copy !req
80. Peter.Copy !req
81. Ah, you're justCopy !req
82. saying thatCopy !req
83. because the battery it usesCopy !req
84. causes bladder cancer.Copy !req
85. Well, then, I'm off.Copy !req
86. I shall be at the beachCopy !req
87. looking for valuablesCopy !req
88. and occasionally usingCopy !req
89. a doorless bathroom.Copy !req
90. Good day, madam.Copy !req
91. We now return toCopy !req
92. The Awkward Stepdad Show.Copy !req
93. Man, your mom'sCopy !req
94. a real groaner.Copy !req
95. Do you hear thatCopy !req
96. in your room?Copy !req
97. Hey, Dad,Copy !req
98. where are you going?Copy !req
99. Well, Meg, now thatCopy !req
100. I'm a metal detector guy,Copy !req
101. I gotta start eating breakfastCopy !req
102. at on-the-sand cafés,Copy !req
103. where I willCopy !req
104. judge touristsCopy !req
105. as my skin brownsCopy !req
106. and hardens.Copy !req
107. Stop throwing your kid's diapersCopy !req
108. in the trashCopy !req
109. with all the soda cans!Copy !req
110. Hey, Lois, check out whatCopy !req
111. I found with my metal detector.Copy !req
112. Are those... areCopy !req
113. those Purple Hearts?Copy !req
114. Yeah, some idiot buried,Copy !req
115. like, a hundred of 'emCopy !req
116. in this big lawnCopy !req
117. under these bone cages.Copy !req
118. Peter!Copy !req
119. I think you desecratedCopy !req
120. a military graveyard!Copy !req
121. Hey, guys, like four jeepsCopy !req
122. just drove upCopy !req
123. onto our front yard.Copy !req
124. They must be hereCopy !req
125. for the medals!Copy !req
126. Maybe. Or it could beCopy !req
127. because of myCopy !req
128. "I'm Gonna BarfCopy !req
129. on the White House" blog.Copy !req
130. Ah, sweet!Copy !req
131. Huh.Copy !req
132. Wonder what happens if I turn itCopy !req
133. on and point 'em at each other.Copy !req
134. Oh, my God!Copy !req
135. Did you also callCopy !req
136. into a talk showCopy !req
137. without turning downCopy !req
138. your radio first?Copy !req
139. Jackpot.Copy !req
140. Wow, an iPad!Copy !req
141. This thing findsCopy !req
142. everything!Copy !req
143. Engagement ring!Copy !req
144. Family locket!Copy !req
145. Sunglasses that are an upgradeCopy !req
146. over my current pair!Copy !req
147. There he is!Copy !req
148. There's the guy who's beenCopy !req
149. stealing everyone's stuff!Copy !req
150. Don't yell at me,Copy !req
151. I'm very sunburned!Copy !req
152. Go, crappy car, go!Copy !req
153. Peter, did you robCopy !req
154. a bunch of peopleCopy !req
155. on the beachCopy !req
156. with your metal detector?Copy !req
157. Well, that's onlyCopy !req
158. half the story.Copy !req
159. I also hooted at a ladyCopy !req
160. who was breastfeeding.Copy !req
161. I want you to get ridCopy !req
162. of that metal detector.Copy !req
163. All you're doing isCopy !req
164. getting into troubleCopy !req
165. and digging up junkCopy !req
166. when we really needCopy !req
167. to be savingCopy !req
168. for Stewie's college.Copy !req
169. Tomorrow we areCopy !req
170. going to the mallCopy !req
171. and returning thatCopy !req
172. thing to the store.Copy !req
173. Okay, fine.Copy !req
174. But you should know, the dayCopy !req
175. I bought this metal detectorCopy !req
176. was the happiestCopy !req
177. day of my life.Copy !req
178. Well, obviously,Copy !req
179. the second happiest.Copy !req
180. Oh, my God, I wasn't evenCopy !req
181. supposed to be here.Copy !req
182. I passed out at the Tom PettyCopy !req
183. concert last nightCopy !req
184. and just stayed.Copy !req
185. Please, go slow.Copy !req
186. I have IBS.Copy !req
187. Well, I'm gladCopy !req
188. the store was willingCopy !req
189. to take thatCopy !req
190. metal detector back.Copy !req
191. All right, let's goCopy !req
192. to the food court.Copy !req
193. I love eatingCopy !req
194. Panda ExpressCopy !req
195. while squeezin' our purchasesCopy !req
196. between our kneesCopy !req
197. 'cause someoneCopy !req
198. might grab 'em.Copy !req
199. God, the mall sucks,Copy !req
200. doesn't it, kids?Copy !req
201. If I had a credit card,Copy !req
202. I'd shop online.Copy !req
203. Oh, hey, Bonnie.Copy !req
204. What are you guysCopy !req
205. doing here?Copy !req
206. Oh, hey, Lois.Copy !req
207. We saw an adCopy !req
208. looking for a toddlerCopy !req
209. to appear in a peanutCopy !req
210. butter commercialCopy !req
211. and we thoughtCopy !req
212. we'd bring Susie.Copy !req
213. Joe, are you wearingCopy !req
214. a corsage?Copy !req
215. Yeah.Copy !req
216. You can get a really good dealCopy !req
217. on them after prom season.Copy !req
218. They're for girls, Joe.Copy !req
219. Hey, Peter,Copy !req
220. why don't you let me do me,Copy !req
221. and you do you, okay?Copy !req
222. Peanut butter commercial, huh?Copy !req
223. Hey, Bri, maybeCopy !req
224. you should audition.Copy !req
225. You know, because of thatCopy !req
226. one time you got in the trashCopy !req
227. and ate a whole jar ofCopy !req
228. recalled peanut butter?Copy !req
229. It wasn't peanut butter.Copy !req
230. It was that pre-mixed peanutCopy !req
231. butter and jelly thing.Copy !req
232. Oh, Mom bought that?Copy !req
233. That's what the scab kidCopy !req
234. at school always has!Copy !req
235. That was really great, Jake.Copy !req
236. Really, really great.Copy !req
237. Your face is upside-down,Copy !req
238. so we're not gonna pick you,Copy !req
239. but thanks for coming.Copy !req
240. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
241. This is you.Copy !req
242. "I'm Brian.Copy !req
243. "I like garbageCopy !req
244. peanut butter,Copy !req
245. and I wear my 'I Voted' stickerCopy !req
246. for a week and a half."Copy !req
247. Num-num-num-num-num-Copy !req
248. num-num-num-num!Copy !req
249. I'm sorry, we're looking forCopy !req
250. more of aCopy !req
251. "Num-num-num-num-num-num-num."Copy !req
252. Bob, look over there!Copy !req
253. Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-Copy !req
254. num-num-num-num-num!Copy !req
255. Whose kid is that?Copy !req
256. Oh, that's our son, Stewie.Copy !req
257. He's adorable!Copy !req
258. And exactly whatCopy !req
259. we're looking for!Copy !req
260. Congratulations, your sonCopy !req
261. is the new peanut butter kid!Copy !req
262. My God, I don't believe it!Copy !req
263. That's so cool!Copy !req
264. Hey, what's Dad doingCopy !req
265. over there with Chris?Copy !req
266. Oh, he's telling him that he'sCopy !req
267. no longer his favorite son.Copy !req
268. No!Copy !req
269. No, Daddy!Copy !req
270. Daddy!Copy !req
271. Daddy...Copy !req
272. I didn't even tell him.Copy !req
273. He just does notCopy !req
274. like to be touched.Copy !req
275. Thanks for comingCopy !req
276. to the viewing partyCopy !req
277. for Stewie's commercial,Copy !req
278. everybody.Copy !req
279. We're sorry that it's airingCopy !req
280. during 2 Broke Girls,Copy !req
281. but we have noCopy !req
282. control over that.Copy !req
283. Thanks for coming toCopy !req
284. my big night, Brian.Copy !req
285. I see you got all dressed upCopy !req
286. in your exposed wiener.Copy !req
287. Quiet, everybody!Copy !req
288. Here it comes!Copy !req
289. Welcome home, honey!Copy !req
290. There's my family!Copy !req
291. H-Hey, wait,Copy !req
292. where's the baby?Copy !req
293. Well, he likesCopy !req
294. his hero dad,Copy !req
295. but he lovesCopy !req
296. Scooter's Peanut Butter.Copy !req
297. Num-num-num-num-num-num-num-num-Copy !req
298. num-num-num-num-num-num-num!Copy !req
299. Scooter's Peanut Butter.Copy !req
300. So good, your babyCopy !req
301. will want to eat itCopy !req
302. in an airport terminalCopy !req
303. bathroom.Copy !req
304. He's a babyCopy !req
305. who did a baby thing.Copy !req
306. Let's all calm downCopy !req
307. a little.Copy !req
308. Wow, I can't believeCopy !req
309. Stewie's a commercial star.Copy !req
310. We haven't had aCopy !req
311. celebrity in the familyCopy !req
312. since my great-aunt,Copy !req
313. Queen of Burlesque Griffin.Copy !req
314. ("The Stripper"Copy !req
315. by David Rose plays)Copy !req
316. Bill. Bill. Bill.Copy !req
317. Weird magazine aboutCopy !req
318. our town that's just ads.Copy !req
319. Hmm, this one's for Stewie.Copy !req
320. Whoa, a check for $2,000?Copy !req
321. Let me see that.Copy !req
322. It's a royalty checkCopy !req
323. from Stewie's commercial.Copy !req
324. Apparently, he gets paidCopy !req
325. every time it airs.Copy !req
326. This is great.Copy !req
327. We can put it right intoCopy !req
328. Stewie's college fund.Copy !req
329. Yeah, yeah,Copy !req
330. but, you know,Copy !req
331. maybe we should keepCopy !req
332. a little bit out to celebrate.Copy !req
333. I mean, I ain'tCopy !req
334. done nothin' fancyCopy !req
335. since I boughtCopy !req
336. those rich guy socks.Copy !req
337. Ah, there.Copy !req
338. I'm ready to get caughtCopy !req
339. cheating with my secretary.Copy !req
340. Welcome, folks.Copy !req
341. Would you like flatCopy !req
342. or sparkling water to start?Copy !req
343. Garden hoseCopy !req
344. will be fine.Copy !req
345. We prefer it to be hotCopy !req
346. and then metal-y.Copy !req
347. Actually, Peter,Copy !req
348. let's go for theCopy !req
349. sparkling water.Copy !req
350. I mean, we areCopy !req
351. celebratingCopy !req
352. our little commercialCopy !req
353. star and his big payday.Copy !req
354. Oh, I don't careCopy !req
355. about that, ma'am.Copy !req
356. You know, this isCopy !req
357. a nice dinner and all,Copy !req
358. but I thought you guysCopy !req
359. were going to saveCopy !req
360. this commercial moneyCopy !req
361. for Stewie's college fund.Copy !req
362. We are saving it, Brian.Copy !req
363. This is justCopy !req
364. a little celebration.Copy !req
365. The rest of it is goingCopy !req
366. right in the bank.Copy !req
367. Yeah, and besides,Copy !req
368. it's been a whileCopy !req
369. since we ate at a placeCopy !req
370. where if you ask for ketchup,Copy !req
371. they look at youCopy !req
372. like you're dirt.Copy !req
373. You know, StewieCopy !req
374. actually got a callCopy !req
375. for anotherCopy !req
376. commercial tomorrow.Copy !req
377. Who knows?Copy !req
378. This could be the beginningCopy !req
379. of a nice career for him.Copy !req
380. You sure about this, Lois?Copy !req
381. I mean... I mean,Copy !req
382. the world of child actingCopy !req
383. can be a pretty badCopy !req
384. environment for a kid.Copy !req
385. Maybe we should justCopy !req
386. let Stewie's childhoodCopy !req
387. be about being a child.Copy !req
388. Wasn't your kid an actor,Copy !req
389. you jagoff?Copy !req
390. Didn't your fatherCopy !req
391. hate your guts and die?Copy !req
392. Whoa!Copy !req
393. Bring a gun to a knife fight.Copy !req
394. Look, I-I'm sorry,Copy !req
395. I'm sorry.Copy !req
396. All I'm saying is,Copy !req
397. just try to keep Stewie'sCopy !req
398. best interests in mind.Copy !req
399. Relax, Brian.Copy !req
400. Stewie's fine.Copy !req
401. I mean, look at him.Copy !req
402. He's happier thanCopy !req
403. a sunny-side-up egg.Copy !req
404. What a great wayCopy !req
405. to start the day.Copy !req
406. What a pan, what a grill.Copy !req
407. Oh, no, I'm at Denny's.Copy !req
408. Hey, I'm a drug addictCopy !req
409. and it's midnight—Copy !req
410. where's my breakfast?Copy !req
411. Help, he's onlyCopy !req
412. gonna eat the toastCopy !req
413. and put a cigarette out on me.Copy !req
414. Okay, Stewie, you bookedCopy !req
415. the last commercialCopy !req
416. without even trying, so thisCopy !req
417. one should be a piece of cake.Copy !req
418. Oh, I guess there are otherCopy !req
419. people auditioning, too.Copy !req
420. Oh, is your child up for theCopy !req
421. cough syrup commercial, too?Copy !req
422. You'd have no wayCopy !req
423. of knowing this,Copy !req
424. but the moms tendCopy !req
425. to dress up.Copy !req
426. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
427. And you'd haveCopy !req
428. no way of knowingCopy !req
429. that my son is theCopy !req
430. Scooter's Peanut Butter Kid.Copy !req
431. That's cute.Copy !req
432. My son had a gun waved inCopy !req
433. his face in a Dexter episode.Copy !req
434. Are you guys talkingCopy !req
435. about your kids?Copy !req
436. My daughter is theCopy !req
437. American Apparel slut baby.Copy !req
438. My son got crapped onCopy !req
439. in the last Jackass movie.Copy !req
440. God, everyone hereCopy !req
441. is so talented.Copy !req
442. Hi, everybody, we'reCopy !req
443. a little crunched for time,Copy !req
444. so we're gonna haveCopy !req
445. to audition peopleCopy !req
446. right here in the hallway.Copy !req
447. You, do somethingCopy !req
448. exceptional.Copy !req
449. Uh, okay.Copy !req
450. Ow! Ow.Copy !req
451. Oh, my grundle.Copy !req
452. It's bruised.Copy !req
453. It's bruised bad.Copy !req
454. Oh, okay, I'm out, I'm out.Copy !req
455. Tappin' out.Copy !req
456. Well, that wasCopy !req
457. a disaster.Copy !req
458. It was humiliatingCopy !req
459. is what it was.Copy !req
460. That woman just smiledCopy !req
461. when Stewie bangedCopy !req
462. his balls on the floor.Copy !req
463. A damn disaster.Copy !req
464. Num-num-num-num-num-Copy !req
465. num-num-num-num?Copy !req
466. Shut up,Copy !req
467. that's over!Copy !req
468. Did you see those other kids?Copy !req
469. They were amazing.Copy !req
470. One of them was textingCopy !req
471. with the funny-dumb kidCopy !req
472. from Modern Family.Copy !req
473. I want to text with that kid.Copy !req
474. Holy Christmas, there wereCopy !req
475. a lot of hot momsCopy !req
476. in yoga pants in there, though.Copy !req
477. Dear me, they're reallyCopy !req
478. disappointed in me, Rupert.Copy !req
479. I haven't seenCopy !req
480. the fat man this upsetCopy !req
481. since he wentCopy !req
482. to the 9/11 museum.Copy !req
483. Lois made us do this,Copy !req
484. but I wanted to go to theCopy !req
485. Central Park merry-go-round.Copy !req
486. We had time to do both!Copy !req
487. (piano playsCopy !req
488. Bent Fabric's "Alley Cat")Copy !req
489. What the hell?Copy !req
490. Okay, that's great, that'sCopy !req
491. great, that's great.Copy !req
492. Just one question,Copy !req
493. Stewie—Copy !req
494. do you get pleasure out ofCopy !req
495. humiliating your family?Copy !req
496. Yeah, is there some kindCopy !req
497. of sick joy in it?Copy !req
498. Why can't he justCopy !req
499. be Pierce Brosnan?Copy !req
500. Pierce BrosnanCopy !req
501. would've got this.Copy !req
502. In a heartbeat!Copy !req
503. It's 3:00Copy !req
504. in the morning.Copy !req
505. What the hellCopy !req
506. are you guys doing?Copy !req
507. What does it look like?Copy !req
508. We're practicing.Copy !req
509. Stewie has anotherCopy !req
510. audition tomorrow,Copy !req
511. and we're not gonna beCopy !req
512. embarrassed like we were today.Copy !req
513. See, this is the kindCopy !req
514. of thing I was talking about.Copy !req
515. And look at him,Copy !req
516. he can barely stand up.Copy !req
517. That's why I made this—Copy !req
518. I call it "8 Hour Energy."Copy !req
519. It's one part 5-Hour Energy,Copy !req
520. and the other three hours areCopy !req
521. espresso, ScottsCopy !req
522. Turf Builder,Copy !req
523. and a tiny, tiny super-smallCopy !req
524. amount of cocaine.Copy !req
525. Just a little bit.Copy !req
526. I can't stress theCopy !req
527. littleness of it enough.Copy !req
528. Whoa, mama,Copy !req
529. there's a kick like a mule!Copy !req
530. There he is,Copy !req
531. there's the magic.Copy !req
532. Peter, you're givingCopy !req
533. your baby drugsCopy !req
534. to improveCopy !req
535. his acting career?Copy !req
536. Oh, he's fineCopy !req
537. with it.Copy !req
538. Stewie, if you'reCopy !req
539. fine with it,Copy !req
540. bleed from the nose.Copy !req
541. I think that'sCopy !req
542. pretty close.Copy !req
543. All right, Stewie, now rememberCopy !req
544. what we practiced last night.Copy !req
545. And here's a trickCopy !req
546. to keep that confidence up.Copy !req
547. You go in that roomCopy !req
548. and imagine everyone in itCopy !req
549. wants you sexually.Copy !req
550. I'm doing it right now,Copy !req
551. and I feel powerful.Copy !req
552. Okay.Copy !req
553. And don't forget—Copy !req
554. if you screw this up,Copy !req
555. Mommy's gonna killCopy !req
556. all of your toys.Copy !req
557. Okay.Copy !req
558. All right, now I'm gonna goCopy !req
559. psych out these other kids.Copy !req
560. Hey, little guy.Copy !req
561. Nervous?Copy !req
562. Sure you are.Copy !req
563. Here's somethingCopy !req
564. that might help you.Copy !req
565. Hey, little guy.Copy !req
566. Stewie Griffin?Copy !req
567. Oh, right here.Copy !req
568. Peter, heCopy !req
569. needs a boost.Copy !req
570. Give him some ofCopy !req
571. the acting soup.Copy !req
572. I want to say curse words!Copy !req
573. Okay, Stewie, you're justCopy !req
574. gonna drink this juice,Copy !req
575. then say, "Mmm,"Copy !req
576. and rub your belly.Copy !req
577. Yeah, yeah,Copy !req
578. you got it.Copy !req
579. Yeah! Bye, juice!Copy !req
580. That was amazing.Copy !req
581. I've got goose bumps.Copy !req
582. I want himCopy !req
583. sexually.Copy !req
584. Well, Mom, Dad,Copy !req
585. I think we've got ourCopy !req
586. new orange juice boy.Copy !req
587. Does this guy reallyCopy !req
588. think we're his parents?Copy !req
589. Stewie got the part?Copy !req
590. Yes!Copy !req
591. That is howCopy !req
592. you do it!Copy !req
593. Oh, hey, Brian.Copy !req
594. What's going on?Copy !req
595. Where's the fridge?Copy !req
596. Oh, we got a new one.Copy !req
597. Stewie booked thatCopy !req
598. orange juice commercial,Copy !req
599. so we thought we'd make a fewCopy !req
600. upgrades around the house.Copy !req
601. Yeah, I even bought an awesomeCopy !req
602. voice-activated 3-D printer.Copy !req
603. Why the hell do youCopy !req
604. need a 3-D printer?Copy !req
605. Print coyote.Copy !req
606. Hey, what, hey, no, no, no!Copy !req
607. Heel, heel, heel!Copy !req
608. I can't make himCopy !req
609. attack you, Brian,Copy !req
610. but if I keepCopy !req
611. printing them,Copy !req
612. eventually one willCopy !req
613. go after you.Copy !req
614. That money is supposed toCopy !req
615. be for Stewie's college.Copy !req
616. He's an actor, you idiot—Copy !req
617. he doesn't need college.Copy !req
618. Look, I-I just don't think anyCopy !req
619. of this is good for Stewie.Copy !req
620. It's great for Stewie.Copy !req
621. He's becoming a star.Copy !req
622. That's right.Copy !req
623. Man, this must be what it's likeCopy !req
624. to be Anne Hathaway's parents.Copy !req
625. Oh, that's Anne's car.Copy !req
626. Ugh.Copy !req
627. Hey, Stewie, canCopy !req
628. I talk to you?Copy !req
629. What are you doing?Copy !req
630. I don't know.Copy !req
631. Mom and Dad just, uh, stuckCopy !req
632. a book on my head and-and left.Copy !req
633. Stewie, look at you,Copy !req
634. you're a wreck.Copy !req
635. And for what? So Peter and LoisCopy !req
636. can spend the money you earnedCopy !req
637. on crap theyCopy !req
638. don't even need?Copy !req
639. Uh, I'm not supposedCopy !req
640. to use my voiceCopy !req
641. for non-payingCopy !req
642. stuff, Brian.Copy !req
643. This is insane—Copy !req
644. you've got to stop.Copy !req
645. Ugh, stop worrying,Copy !req
646. I'm fine.Copy !req
647. And besides, the fat manCopy !req
648. knows what he's doing.Copy !req
649. No, he doesn't,Copy !req
650. he's an idiot.Copy !req
651. Remember? He couldn'tCopy !req
652. even figure outCopy !req
653. how to use a hotelCopy !req
654. business center.Copy !req
655. So, what businessCopy !req
656. are you in?Copy !req
657. Oh, I'm just here to lookCopy !req
658. at other people's e-mailsCopy !req
659. who haven't logged out.Copy !req
660. And how's business?Copy !req
661. Well, I've left some pretty wildCopy !req
662. replies on a bunch of Evites.Copy !req
663. Look at this— I'mCopy !req
664. bringing 53 guests.Copy !req
665. You're the coolest guy I've everCopy !req
666. met in one of these things.Copy !req
667. Oh, hey.Copy !req
668. You caught meCopy !req
669. pigging out.Copy !req
670. I'm dipping this celeryCopy !req
671. stalk into some lemon water.Copy !req
672. But don't freak out.Copy !req
673. I'm just gonna smell it andCopy !req
674. then throw it in the trash.Copy !req
675. Stewie, this hasCopy !req
676. gotten out of control.Copy !req
677. If you're gonnaCopy !req
678. continue on this path,Copy !req
679. you need to knowCopy !req
680. what your future holds.Copy !req
681. Being a child actorCopy !req
682. almost never ends well.Copy !req
683. You remember that kidCopy !req
684. from A Christmas StoryCopy !req
685. who got his tongueCopy !req
686. stuck to that pole?Copy !req
687. Yeah, whateverCopy !req
688. happened to him?Copy !req
689. I'll tell youCopy !req
690. what happened to him.Copy !req
691. He did porn.Copy !req
692. Boner from Growing Pains? Dead.Copy !req
693. Screech fromCopy !req
694. Saved by the Bell? Porn.Copy !req
695. Corey Haim? Dead.Copy !req
696. Dana Plato? Porn, then dead.Copy !req
697. Oh, no, this is horrible.Copy !req
698. You see, Stewie, there areCopy !req
699. tons of actors like this.Copy !req
700. They all started outCopy !req
701. just like you,Copy !req
702. but eventuallyCopy !req
703. they were destroyedCopy !req
704. by their parents'Copy !req
705. greed, drugsCopy !req
706. or pervertedCopy !req
707. Hollywood directors.Copy !req
708. Oh, like Bryan Singer.Copy !req
709. Exactly. The point isCopy !req
710. it's a dark path.Copy !req
711. My God, I had no ideaCopy !req
712. it could be so bad.Copy !req
713. Brian, I don't wantCopy !req
714. to act anymore.Copy !req
715. Good. Now we just got to makeCopy !req
716. Peter and Lois understand.Copy !req
717. Yes, well, if they wantCopy !req
718. to make me into a monsterCopy !req
719. like those people, we'llCopy !req
720. give 'em a monster.Copy !req
721. Like when GodzillaCopy !req
722. attacked Haiti.Copy !req
723. Oh, my God.Copy !req
724. Peter, did youCopy !req
725. get my text?Copy !req
726. No, hold on.Copy !req
727. No, I don't knowCopy !req
728. what he's doing here.Copy !req
729. Okay, Stewie, when BarbaraCopy !req
730. hands you that orange juice,Copy !req
731. you're gonna drink itCopy !req
732. and smile.Copy !req
733. And really show us thatCopy !req
734. energy from your audition.Copy !req
735. H-Hold on a second,Copy !req
736. he's got a smudge on his face.Copy !req
737. Let me just take careCopy !req
738. of that for you guys.Copy !req
739. Here, drink this.Copy !req
740. I threw a little MollyCopy !req
741. in there, too,Copy !req
742. so we'll go outCopy !req
743. clubbing afterwards.Copy !req
744. Hey, you want this?Copy !req
745. Sure, I'llCopy !req
746. drink anything.Copy !req
747. All right, action!Copy !req
748. As a mom, I want my kidsCopy !req
749. to start their day right.Copy !req
750. And there's no better wayCopy !req
751. than with a glassCopy !req
752. of fresh-squeezedCopy !req
753. Sunnydale Orange Juice.Copy !req
754. Isn't that right,Copy !req
755. sweetie?Copy !req
756. Shut your hole, bitch!Copy !req
757. I'll tell you what I wantCopy !req
758. fresh-squeezed— these.Copy !req
759. What the hell'sCopy !req
760. he doing?Copy !req
761. He's blowing this.Copy !req
762. Oh, here's what I thinkCopy !req
763. of this orange juice.Copy !req
764. I-I can't... I can't go rightCopy !req
765. now with everybody watching.Copy !req
766. But-but I presume you understandCopy !req
767. the disrespect I intended.Copy !req
768. Oh, my God, he'sCopy !req
769. having a meltdown.Copy !req
770. You don't suppose thisCopy !req
771. has anything to doCopy !req
772. with the sleep deprivationCopy !req
773. and narcotics?Copy !req
774. Oh, Peter, what haveCopy !req
775. we been thinking?Copy !req
776. It's us— we're the onesCopy !req
777. who turned him into this.Copy !req
778. Get this kid out of here!Copy !req
779. He's fired.Copy !req
780. Well done.Copy !req
781. Not a bad performance.Copy !req
782. Thank you, Brian, I...Copy !req
783. Uh, there's the poop.Copy !req
784. Right now.Copy !req
785. Oh, Stewie.Copy !req
786. Mommy and Daddy are so sorry.Copy !req
787. I-I guess we just gotCopy !req
788. too caught up in your successCopy !req
789. and forgot that you'reCopy !req
790. just a baby.Copy !req
791. You wereCopy !req
792. right, Brian.Copy !req
793. I guess we pushed StewieCopy !req
794. a little too hard.Copy !req
795. Well, the good news isCopy !req
796. that now he can go backCopy !req
797. to being a regular kid.Copy !req
798. Why are you winking atCopy !req
799. our baby, you creep?Copy !req
800. God, that's weird.Copy !req
801. I don't want to everCopy !req
802. see that happen again.Copy !req
803. Well, we went a little crazyCopy !req
804. there, didn't we, Peter?Copy !req
805. But I'm glad we haveCopy !req
806. our normal, very average,Copy !req
807. non-famous baby back.Copy !req
808. You know, I was onceCopy !req
809. a very famous baby.Copy !req
810. Were you, Peter?Copy !req
811. No, but you see how easyCopy !req
812. it is for me to lie to you?Copy !req
813. I do it every day.Copy !req
814. Anyway, looks like everythingCopy !req
815. worked out for the best.Copy !req
816. You know, Brian, that actingCopy !req
817. stuff was a bit much for me,Copy !req
818. but I did quite enjoyCopy !req
819. the dancing and the cocaine.Copy !req
820. Yeah?Copy !req
821. Yep.Copy !req
822. So you're just gonna be aCopy !req
823. dancer and a drug addict?Copy !req
824. For a while. I mightCopy !req
825. crash when I'm 18,Copy !req
826. but then I'll just turnCopy !req
827. to the Lord and working out.Copy !req
828. I'll-I'll just be a 180-degreeCopy !req
829. different type of insufferable.Copy !req
830. I used to need drugsCopy !req
831. to feel powerful,Copy !req
832. but now my power comesCopy !req
833. from my core strength.Copy !req
834. And let's look at thatCopy !req
835. word, "strength."Copy !req
836. The "S" standsCopy !req
837. for sacrifice.Copy !req
838. No gain withoutCopy !req
839. sacrifice.Copy !req
840. The "T," of course, stands forCopy !req
841. the sufferings of the cross.Copy !req
842. The "R"...Copy !req
843. You want some cocaine?Copy !req
844. Oh, my God, please, yes!Copy !req
845. That's all I want all the time!Copy !req
846. Captioned byCopy !req
847. Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req