Family Guy 14x1

1. that all you see

2. and sex on TV

3. good old-fashioned values

4. positively can do

5. that make us

6. Ugh. Look at Miss Tammy.

7. What a skank.

8. She's free muffin it

9. at a baby school.

10. Hi, Stewie. Mommy's here

11. to pick you up.

12. Why do you feel the need

13. to narrate every

14. little thing you do?

15. Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin.

16. You know, I've actually

17. been meaning to talk

18. to you about Stewie.

19. I'm concerned

20. that he might have

21. an attention problem.

22. "Attention problem"?

23. Yes, he's been

24. a little difficult

25. to deal with.

26. And on page two of three

27. in the How to Be

28. a Teacher manual,

29. it says that any child

30. who's being difficult

31. should be medicated.

32. What? Drugging a baby?

33. Are you sure?

34. That sounds so serious.

35. I'm afraid his behavior

36. has been an issue

37. for a while.

38. He's even been

39. bothering students

40. during nap time.

41. Hey. You up?

42. Guess where

43. I have a crayon.

44. So, I spent like $75

45. on cat toys, and what

46. does she play with?

47. A shoelace.

48. That's crazy.

49. Joe, that's been your answer

50. every time I tell a story.

51. It's like you're

52. not even listening.

53. Well, that's 'cause

54. you interrupted me

55. when I was telling you

56. about Kevin

57. trying to hang himself

58. with an extension cord.

59. I know, that's crazy.

60. Hey. Y'all wanna try

61. some of our new food?

62. I'm trying to

63. turn this place

64. into a gastropub.

65. These are Korean tacos

66. 'cause whatever

67. the hell nowadays.

68. Ugh. These are terrible.

69. Quagmire,

70. when it comes to tacos,

71. I'll trust the Koreans,

72. thank you.

73. You're nuts. This tastes

74. like Ani DiFranco

75. after a bike ride.

76. Jeez, Quagmire,

77. since when are you

78. such an expert on food?

79. For your information,

80. I'm an excellent cook.

81. You? A cook?

82. What's your specialty?

83. No-way-souffle?

84. I'm sorry,

85. that was out of line.

86. I am a good cook.

87. And I'll prove it to you.

88. Saturday night,

89. you and all your wives

90. are coming to

91. my place for dinner.

92. Fine, we'll be there.

93. Oh, can we

94. make it Sunday?

95. Saturday, I'm giving

96. Javier Bardem a haircut.

97. So what'll it be?

98. Everything.

99. What do you mean?

100. Long in the short places,

101. short in the long places.

102. It should be from both,

103. the future and the past.

104. Something a child

105. would do to a doll.

106. Sorry, I just prefer to do

107. number two at home.

108. Where were we?

109. It's Stewie, Dr. Hartman.

110. He's having trouble

111. focusing at school.

112. Ah, yes. So you're

113. telling me your

114. baby won't sit still

115. in a way

116. that's convenient

117. for his teacher?

118. Yes.

119. I'd heard stories,

120. but never thought

121. I'd see it with my own eyes.

122. Mrs. Griffin,

123. I'm going to write Stewie

124. a prescription for

125. ADHD medication.

126. Really? Well, I don't know.

127. Doesn't that

128. stuff make you wired?

129. Well, if you're low-energy

130. and lethargic, yes.

131. But if you're high-energy,

132. it actually calms you down

133. and helps you focus.

134. At least, that's what

135. I'm reading on WebMD.

136. Wow. There are a lot

137. of different

138. kinds of medicines.

139. There's a cat in here.

140. Okay, I guess

141. we could give it a try.

142. Here you go.

143. Now, who's this

144. little guy?

145. Wow, when did you

146. learn to cook, Glenn?

147. Well, as a young man,

148. I found that a great meal

149. was the quickest way

150. to a woman's heart.

151. How romantic.

152. I mean, how do

153. you think NBA players

154. get all those chicks?

155. They're all great cooks.

156. Except Kobe Bryant.

157. His secret is different.

158. Quagmire, you're really good.

159. You could probably

160. make money at this.

161. Yeah, maybe you could

162. open a restaurant.

163. Or maybe get

164. a cooking show.

165. The 11:30 cooking show

166. on Channel 5 needs a new host.

167. The old one

168. burned off his eyebrows

169. and was just too weird

170. to look at.

171. You should do it, Quagmire.

172. I'll even come along

173. and cheer you on.

174. You'd do that for me?

175. Course, I would.

176. I love cheering people on.

177. Like when I go to NASCAR.

178. Go in a circle!

179. Go in a circle!

180. Go in a circle!

181. Advertise stuff!

182. Advertise...

183. Go in a circle!

184. Hey, where's Stewie?

185. Oh, he's probably

186. sleeping off his pills.

187. What?

188. Well, the school said

189. he had an attention problem,

190. so Dr. Hartman gave

191. him a prescription.

192. You're giving

193. a one-year-old drugs?

194. You're doping up a baby.

195. Peter, are you

196. okay with this?

197. Will you stop talking?

198. I'm trying to

199. think about a girl

200. I saw at the gas station.

201. Stewie?

202. Welcome to pillow world, Bri.

203. Let me get up and greet you.

204. There we go. How you doing?

205. Oh, my God, Stewie,

206. you're totally drugged out.

207. You know something?

208. I've been thinking

209. about how everyone

210. in this family, Brian,

211. does their job.

212. And they do

213. a pretty good job of it.

214. God, I'm really

215. freaking out

216. over this audition.

217. What if I blow it?

218. Quagmire, when I agreed

219. to come to this,

220. I didn't know it would

221. require this level of

222. emotional support.

223. You Glenn Quagmire?

224. I'm Carson,

225. the producer of the show.

226. Peter Griffin,

227. I should be at work.

228. Okay, let's see

229. what you've got.

230. I think you're

231. gonna like this.

232. Cedar plank salmon

233. with a maple glaze

234. and slow-roasted

235. cherry tomatoes

236. on a bed of mesclun greens.

237. Mmm. Not bad.

238. Also, the tomatoes

239. can be eyes, and the

240. lettuce can be hair.

241. Look down,

242. there's also a carrot.

243. This is great.

244. Terrific food and

245. a hilarious sidekick.

246. This!

247. This is the show.

248. What do you mean?

249. I'm saying you're hired

250. just as long as

251. your friend joins you.

252. What do you

253. say, Peter?

254. I say let's do it!

255. Whoops. Uh...

256. Oh, I'm sorry.

257. What do I do?

258. I don't know

259. what to do now.

260. That was

261. the wrong choice, Peter.

262. Wow, Quagmire,

263. look at you.

264. You're a real TV chef.

265. I know. It might

266. sound silly,

267. but being a chef

268. is something

269. I've always dreamed about.

270. I always dream

271. about my house

272. filling up with water.

273. That's crazy.

274. But anyway, thanks for

275. encouraging me, Peter.

276. All right, places.

277. We're rolling in

278. three, two, one.

279. Welcome back to

280. Quagmire's Kitchen.

281. Now, this mince pie's

282. about ready to go.

283. Just needs

284. a pinch of cinnamon.

285. And while we're at it,

286. how about we take

287. the cinnamon challenge?

288. Okay, Peter, we've all

289. seen the Internet videos,

290. we're not doing that.

291. I was talking

292. about something else.

293. I was talking about

294. a serious cooking thing.

295. Now, the ingredients

296. of a mince pie

297. are traceable to

298. the 13th century,

299. when returning

300. European crusaders

301. brought back

302. Middle Eastern recipes

303. containing meats, fruits

304. and, oh, boy, spices.

305. Right here

306. I'm using cloves.

307. Of course,

308. most people associate

309. a mince pie with Christmas.

310. But I'll be honest.

311. I'm not afraid of

312. a summer mince pie.

313. I remember the first

314. time I had mince pie.

315. Our neighbor, Mrs. Moran,

316. introduced it to

317. me one afternoon.

318. God!

319. I had house-sat for her

320. while she was

321. visiting her aunt in Vernon.

322. Oh, God.

323. And she wanted

324. to thank me.

325. And, oh, boy,

326. what a treat it was.

327. You done?

328. Yeah.

329. All right, best two

330. out of three, cinnamon.

331. Still on those meds, huh?

332. Uh, yeah,

333. they help me to, um...

334. Uh... Think.

335. Okay, time for

336. an eyes-open nap.

337. God, look what those

338. pills are doing to you.

339. Putting you on that stuff

340. was a huge mistake.

341. Like inviting a turtle

342. to a cocktail party.

343. Hey. Ask me why they

344. call me a box turtle.

345. See, this is how

346. American society

347. treats unique,

348. enthusiastic children.

349. Instead of embracing

350. their mental gifts,

351. their first reaction

352. is to shoot them up

353. with hardcore drugs

354. until they're

355. mindless sheeple.

356. All the better to

357. send off to Kuwait

358. and feed the Halliburton

359. oil machine, right?

360. Bush.

361. Yup, takes all kinds.

362. You know,

363. a lot of kids in my school

364. take ADD pills.

365. They say if you're

366. lazy and unmotivated,

367. it makes you

368. super energized

369. and productive.

370. Really? Productive?

371. Yeah. And college kids

372. take it all the time

373. so they can focus

374. on their studies

375. and drinking alcohol

376. with their butts.

377. Focus, huh?

378. Okay, well, Stewie,

379. these babies can help

380. the garbage disposal focus.

381. Because that's

382. where they're going.

383. No need to follow me

384. because I just said

385. what I was gonna do.

386. My God, I can't stop.

387. The words are just

388. pouring out of me.

389. I have more energy

390. than a guy who

391. caught a T-shirt.

392. My wife can

393. wear this to sleep!

394. My wife can

395. wear this to sleep!

396. Okay, today we're

397. putting together

398. duck breast medallions

399. with a port wine reduction.

400. And as I'm walking

401. you through the steps,

402. watch your screen

403. for Junior Chef

404. Peter's pop-up tips.

405. Helpful hints

406. and food factoids to make

407. your meal a success.

408. Now, you're gonna

409. want to start

410. with a large

411. self-sealing plastic bag.

412. And in that bag,

413. we'll combine one large,

414. finely chopped garlic clove,

415. one tablespoon

416. of grated,

417. peeled, fresh ginger,

418. two teaspoons of

419. five-spice powder,

420. a teaspoon of salt,

421. and a half teaspoon

422. of fresh ground pepper.

423. Then you're gonna

424. wanna add the duck breasts,

425. seal the bag,

426. and refrigerate that

427. for at least one hour,

428. or up to 24 hours

429. if you wanna prepare

430. this ahead of time.

431. Just make sure you

432. remove the bag from

433. the refrigerator one

434. hour before cooking.

435. You're gonna put

436. that in your oven,

437. preheat it to 400 degrees.

438. So we just spoon

439. on the drippings,

440. and that'll brown

441. the skin nicely.

442. If you bang

443. these metal spoons

444. on everything,

445. it's like STOMP.

446. Look at me!

447. I'm huge in 2002!

448. Peter.

449. Nothing like

450. a night at the theater

451. that ends in a headache!

452. Damn it, Peter,

453. that's it!

454. I can't do this show

455. with you anymore!

456. You're fired!

457. What? You can't fire me!

458. Only Mr. Spacely can fire me.

459. Griffin, you're fired!

460. Okay, that's fair.

461. Peter, can I come in?

462. Hold on, let me put on

463. my weird old actress turban.

464. Yes?

465. Listen, I saw

466. what happened,

467. but you should know,

468. we at the station

469. would hate to lose you.

470. You're a big hit

471. with the viewers.

472. I will not work

473. with that man again.

474. I'm not asking you to.

475. In fact,

476. we'd like to offer you

477. your own cooking show.

478. Hmm. Let me consult

479. with my lawyer.

480. Well, Peter,

481. since the DUIs happened

482. so close together,

483. we don't really have

484. much wiggle room here.

485. I suggest you

486. take the jail time

487. and just get it over with.

488. I'll do it.

489. After October 13th.

490. Come on, Rupert.

491. Wait till you see this.

492. This is really

493. something special.

494. Check out how much water

495. is in the dehumidifier.

496. Wow.

497. That was all in the air.

498. Brian? Is that, uh...

499. Is that you?

500. Stewie! Rearrange.

501. Ewiets. Rearrange.

502. Wieest. Restore. Stewie.

503. Hey, come see

504. what I've been working on.

505. I call it Space Shire Seven.

506. Nice, nice. It's like,

507. it's like a fake

508. place you made?

509. It's a medieval

510. sci-fi universe,

511. adaptable to TV, movies,

512. toys, games, and mobile apps!

513. I threw together

514. a 2,000-page

515. treatment last night.

516. And I just figured,

517. the hell with it,

518. why not build a scale model

519. and record voices

520. for all the characters?

521. Watch.

522. Well met, stranger.

523. That's a Nebulon Mage.

524. He speaks Gabi,

525. this dumb language I wrote.

526. It's then illegal?

527. What?

528. Hello?

529. Okay, now we add

530. the diced tomatoes.

531. Just gonna keep going here.

532. I like to drizzle these

533. with a fig balsamic...

534. Damn it. What the hell

535. is going on over there?

536. And that's my famous paella

537. that looks and tastes

538. just like a pizza bagel.

539. It's a pizza bagel.

540. Now, as always,

541. add butter to taste.

542. Mmm. Delicious!

543. Butter dunk!

544. Stop it! Stop the show!

545. What the hell are you doing?

546. You're just pouring

547. melted butter

548. onto frozen foods.

549. You're not a chef.

550. Oh, really?

551. Then why do I already

552. have a restaurant

553. in Orlando's largest

554. indoor water park?

555. This is an insult

556. to anyone who

557. cares about cooking.

558. Either you leave

559. the network or I do!

560. Guys, guys, look,

561. I know how

562. we can settle this.

563. A cook-off.

564. Each of you cooks a meal

565. using a secret ingredient,

566. Iron Chef style.

567. Will we be allowed

568. to use calculators?

569. Um, I don't... What?

570. I say bring it on!

571. Fine! A cook-off it is.

572. See you in the kitchen, jerk.

573. I'll see you

574. in hell, loser.

575. Bad day to carpool.

576. Yeah.

577. Okay, Joe.

578. Peter and I are going

579. head-to-head in that

580. cooking competition,

581. and they're letting us

582. each use an assistant.

583. Will you help me out?

584. Okay, but just promise me

585. there's no reading.

586. I'm not a strong reader.

587. What?

588. I'm not illiterate,

589. I'm just slow.

590. What are you

591. talking about?

592. I never tried hard

593. in school 'cause

594. I could always run fast.

595. So, you're cool with

596. being my chef helper

597. for the big show?

598. Sure, but I got

599. to be honest.

600. If it ain't

601. a fish with whiskers,

602. I don't know

603. what to do with it.

604. But if it is?

605. Then sweet

606. sassy molassey!

607. Great.

608. Don't talk that way

609. when we're on the show.

610. risking it all

611. but you aint gonna fall

612. to break you

613. the going is rough

614. thunder in your heart

615. when you get

616. your taste of the glory

617. Stewie! Stew-ez Canal.

618. You're here.

619. We got to get going.

620. "Going"?

621. Where?

622. To Hartford, man.

623. There's a book fair

624. at the convention center,

625. and George R.R. Martin

626. will be there.

627. Who's that?

628. Uh, Game of Thrones,

629. black shirts, dandruff.

630. Takes down more nerd chotch

631. than anyone around?

632. Okay.

633. Anyway, I'm gonna

634. show him my models

635. and pitch him

636. Space Shire Seven.

637. Okay, before we go,

638. I should wet my eyes.

639. There.

640. Good afternoon,

641. I'm Tom Tucker,

642. and we have

643. a fantastic cooking

644. competition for you today

645. with two fantastic chefs.

646. Really? You couldn't

647. find another adjective

648. for "fantastic"?

649. Used "fantastic" twice?

650. Who wrote this?

651. Erica did.

652. Wait, is that the

653. one I called fat

654. and we can't fire?

655. Yeah.

656. Let's get this

657. contest started!

658. Big whoop.

659. I can do that.

660. Oh, my God, Erica!

661. You killed Erica!

662. Fantastic.

663. That's him.

664. George R.R. Martin.

665. God, he must be

666. the coolest fat guy

667. in a train conductor's

668. cap in the world!

669. Mr. Martin,

670. I'm Brian Griffin,

671. and I've got a pitch

672. that's gonna blow you away.

673. Are you sitting down?

674. Almost always.

675. Then join me on

676. an interstellar crusade

677. to Space Shire Seven!

678. Our story begins

679. 50,000 fortnights ago

680. in the distant galaxy

681. of Warlock's Keep.

682. Comet Castle falls.

683. Samson Cyberblood

684. is the new king

685. of the star system.

686. Long live Space Shire Seven,

687. and long live

688. the Hyperspeed Throne!

689. So? What do you think?

690. It was terrible.

691. Ah, you're speaking

692. the language of

693. the Opposite Goblins.

694. I'm very flattered.

695. No, it's garbage.

696. You just took a lot of pills,

697. mashed together

698. a bunch of sci-fi

699. and fantasy cliches

700. and crapped out

701. a 2,000-page turd.

702. You could tell

703. I was on medication?

704. Oh, sure.

705. But that stuff doesn't make

706. you write well, it just

707. makes you write a lot.

708. Now, if you'll excuse me,

709. I have to go wash

710. the nerd chotch

711. out of my beard.

712. God.

713. I didn't realize

714. how those drugs were

715. ruining me creatively.

716. I haven't been feeling

717. quite right, either.

718. Yesterday,

719. I watched Chris shower

720. for half an hour

721. just because I thought

722. it was the TV.

723. He, um, lies on

724. his back in there.

725. Stewie, this drug

726. is ruining us.

727. We don't need these.

728. You're right.

729. These pills are for people

730. with real problems.

731. But there's

732. nothing wrong with us.

733. You're just lazy,

734. I'm just excitable.

735. We're both normal.

736. Now let's go home.

737. That man is an imposter!

738. I am George R.R. Martin!

739. Whoa!

740. Let's begin

741. the Channel 5 cook-off.

742. Remember,

743. the winner gets to

744. keep his TV show.

745. And the secret ingredient is

746. butter.

747. Oh, sweet!

748. No.

749. That's Peter's specialty.

750. I was hoping

751. the secret ingredient

752. would be popcorn shrimps.

753. I liked smacking

754. your butt earlier.

755. Are the balls

756. different from the cubes?

757. God, what do I do?

758. Joe, check if

759. we have shallots!

760. Okay.

761. I can't see

762. anything on the counter,

763. but I'll do my best.

764. Monster brains!

765. Looks like

766. Chef Griffin is preparing

767. a delicious

768. five-course butter feast.

769. Son of a bitch,

770. I never cook with butter.

771. Joe, grab my recipe

772. book and find a dish

773. where I can substitute

774. olive oil with butter.

775. Joe, come on, hurry!

776. I told you I'm not

777. a strong reader!

778. Damn it, Joe,

779. pull it together!

780. Hey, Quagmire. FYI,

781. I got to take off in,

782. like, 10 minutes.

783. I got a clarinet lesson.

784. What?

785. I can't do this.

786. Look at Quagmire.

787. This was his dream.

788. Time's almost up, Peter.

789. We're gonna win!

790. No, we're not.

791. And in a stunning

792. turn of events,

793. Chef Griffin is

794. eating his entire meal.

795. He'll have nothing to serve.

796. Well, that's it.

797. If Chef Quagmire has prepared

798. a dish of any kind,

799. he wins this competition.

800. Let's see what he has.

801. A warm packet of

802. tartar sauce brought in

803. from somewhere else.

804. "When are you

805. gonna use that?"

806. Bonnie said.

807. We have a winner!

808. Peter, you threw

809. the cook-off for me?

810. I couldn't take

811. your dream away...

812. Heart attack!

813. from you, buddy.

814. You're the... Mini stroke!

815. one with the real...

816. Heart attack! talent.

817. You... Heart attack!

818. deserve the show...

819. Regular stroke!

820. not me.

821. You're a good friend,

822. Peter. But I don't

823. want a show, either.

824. You don't?

825. Of course not.

826. Look what the show

827. did to us.

828. It destroyed

829. the most important

830. friendship I have.

831. Thanks.

832. You know what?

833. Let's end this for good.

834. How?

835. The same way Paula Deen

836. got her cooking show

837. taken off the air.

838. By saying the one word

839. you can't come back from.

840. What? Say the word?

841. Right now?

842. Yeah. Together.

843. Ready?

844. You bet.

845. You could have

846. just quit the show.