1. We now return to Hotel TV,
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2. the station that makes you feel
like you're at a hotel
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3. when you're not at a hotel.
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4. Have a romantic drink
by the concourse fountain.
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5. Or you can watch the big game
at Chopper's Bar and Grill,
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6. where they'll be pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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7. Or maybe you're in the mood
for something
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8. a little more exotic.
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9. Try Jose Gato's
Brazilian Steakhouse.
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10. With rooftop views,
plus a fine selection
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11. of blended rum drinks.
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12. At the end of the night,
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13. you won't want to say,
"Boa noite."
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14. And you won't have to,
'cause Chopper's is open,
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15. where they're pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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16. Should we go
to Chopper's?
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17. We interrupt this program
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18. to bring you a Channel 5 News
special report.
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19. Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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20. Tragedy stuck Haiti today
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21. as the island nation was rocked
by a major earthquake,
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22. leaving thousands dead
and injured.
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23. Coming up, local newsman
shows a camera operator
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24. how to center a shot.
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25. There we go.
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26. There, there's Tom.
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27. There's the star.
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28. Oh, my God.
That's terrible about Haiti.
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29. We got to do
something to help.
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30. No, we don't.
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31. Relax.
I'm sure Wyclef Jean
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32. has got it all under control.
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33. I've always talked about
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34. wanting to help in
these situations,
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35. but I never
follow through.
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36. Well, this time, I'm
really gonna do it.
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37. I'm gonna start
a blood drive.
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38. Good for you, Lois.
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39. You'll be a local hero,
like Paul Revere.
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40. The British will
be here soon.
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41. We shall stand our ground
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42. and fight them to the death!
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43. Yes! Yes!
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44. Although...
I mean, one of us
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45. should probably
warn everyone.
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46. You know... that the
British are coming.
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47. I mean, not me.
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48. I mean,
I want to fight.
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49. I mean, oh, shoot...
I've got the horse.
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50. I mean, but if
anyone else wants to go?
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51. I'll go.
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52. No one?
All right.
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53. I'll make sure everyone
remembers your names!
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54. Wow, Lois, you really
got a great turnout
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55. for the blood drive.
Oh, yeah.
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56. The whole thing's going off
without a hitch.
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57. Well, except
for that mosquito
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58. who keeps trying
to sneak in.
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59. Hi. I'm the new nurse.
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60. Get out of here!
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61. This blood's not for you!
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62. Aw...
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63. Oh, look, an empty tire
with some water in it.
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64. All right,
I'm happy again.
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65. I'm gonna go ahead
and thank you
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66. for donating
blood today.
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67. Donating?
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68. I thought we were
getting paid!
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69. Peter, everyone else here
has donated except you.
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70. That's not true.
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71. That guy over there
didn't donate.
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72. That's still
you, Peter.
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73. Oh. Well, if I got to donate,
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74. he's got to donate, too.
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75. You, get in here!
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76. Sucker!
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77. Son of a bitch!
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78. Lois! Lois!
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79. Mommy!
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80. Stewie,
what's going on?
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81. You should be
asleep by now.
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82. I can't sleep, Brian.
Where's the woman?
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83. I need her to read me
a bedtime story.
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84. Oh, she's busy with
the blood drive.
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85. Maybe I can help.
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86. How about I read you
this book?
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87. It's called
Apathetic George.
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88. "George used to be
a curious monkey,
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89. "but after
a month in captivity,
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90. "all he did
was wait for food.
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91. "The zoo people
wanted him to mate,
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92. "but he lost interest
in that, too.
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93. "20 years
and millions of dollars
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94. in zoo revenue later,
he died."
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95. Okay, I've had enough.
All right,
you know what,
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96. I know something that will help
you sleep. Wait here.
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97. Well, I hope so.
Because I've tried everything.
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98. Counting sheep,
thinking sleepy thoughts.
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99. I even hired the Sandman.
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100. Sand and sand and
sand and sand
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101. and sand and sand
and good night!
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102. Okay, I'll give you
a tiny bit of this.
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103. It should help you sleep.
What is it?
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104. It's cough syrup.
It's not really for kids,
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105. but a capful
is pretty harmless.
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106. Mmm.
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107. Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne
keeps almost dying from.
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108. Ah, this is so relaxing.
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109. I could get used to this.
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110. Like the way I got used to
wearing European diapers.
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111. Don't mind me.
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112. I'm just grabbing
a little cheese and vino.
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113. If anybody needs me,
I'll be poolside
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114. next to my weirdly hot
girlfriend with dark teeth.
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115. Well, Lois, I'm
done giving blood.
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116. Just ask this guy.
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117. Is true, Lois.
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118. I sucked him dry.
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119. He gave a blood
donation as well.
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120. Peter, knock it off.
Just give some blood,
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121. get your cookie
and be done with it.
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122. Cookie?
Yes, Peter.
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123. There are cookies
for everyone who donates.
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124. Well, I already ate
two wedding cakes,
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125. but I guess I could
go for a cookie.
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126. All right, I'll do it.
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127. Peter, you're doing
a good thing.
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128. Thanks, Lois, but you got
to promise you'll warn me
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129. before they stick
that needle in me.
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130. Actually, we
just finished.
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131. Wow, that wasn't so bad.
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132. See, Peter? And now
you can have a cookie.
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133. Oh, awesome!
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134. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God,
th-these are delicious.
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135. Lois, you made these?
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136. Yeah, I found one
of my grandmother's old recipes,
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137. so I thought I'd make a special
batch for the blood drive.
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138. Well, I'm glad you did.
These cookies are amazing.
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139. They're even tastier
than Connie Britton's hair.
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140. Mmm. God, your
hair is delicious.
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141. Who are you?
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142. I'm the guy who killed
your bodyguard.
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143. Coming this fall
to every network,
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144. your favorite sitcom lines
preceded by the word "uh."
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145. Uh, knock much?
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146. Uh, that just happened.
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147. Uh, so I guess this
is a thing now?
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148. Uh, yeah, no.
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149. Uh, awkward.
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150. TV, that thing
you used to watch.
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151. Oh, these are incredible.
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152. Hey, you know something?
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153. If we sold these, we could
make a ton of money.
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154. Maybe we should open
our own cookie store.
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155. Are you serious?
Yeah, why not?
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156. I mean, if George Foreman
can make electric grills,
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157. we can do this.
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158. I mean, I've seen that guy
get punched in the face
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159. a thousand times, and now
he's making science stuff.
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160. Who'd think that idiot
would still be walking around
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161. and Muhammad Ali
can't even talk anymore?
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162. You know, having our own store
could be kind of fun.
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163. And you'd really do it with me?
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164. Absolutely.
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165. Oh, Peter, that actually sounds
kind of romantic.
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166. I always wanted you and me
to work on a project together.
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167. Oh, let's do it!
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168. All right! Now, let's
turn up the TV real loud
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169. so the kids can't
hear us having sex.
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170. Aah! Aah!
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171. Sex! Sex!
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172. There's my handsome
business partner.
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173. Now, we can't be late for
our meeting with the bank.
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174. That's so cool you guys
are gonna open a business.
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175. Yeah, well, I got a ton
of business experience.
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176. I mean, I had that job
creating ads
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177. for the North Dakota
board of tourism.
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178. Hi. Do you like South Dakota
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179. but don't want
to see Mount Rushmore?
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180. Come to North Dakota.
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181. It's just a very long drive
from wherever you live.
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182. Best of all,
most of the good license plates
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183. aren't taken yet.
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184. Imagine coming here
and having "Cool Dude"
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185. or "Yay Jews"
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186. or "Boo Jews,"
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187. depending on where you stand
on Jews.
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188. North Dakota.
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189. We're not even the best Dakota.
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190. Stewie,
what are you doing?
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191. Huh? Oh, Brian,
oh, there you are.
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192. I've been... I've been looking
all over the table for you.
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193. You know, I've got to tell
you, this stuff you gave me
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194. was a lifesaver
last night.
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195. I was out
like a light.
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196. And, you know, normally,
I'm up five or six times
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197. to scream and defecate.
But you know what?
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198. I slept straight
through.
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199. Stewie, I told you,
there's alcohol in that.
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200. It's not for kids.
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201. You're not for kids.
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202. Stewie, you're drunk.
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203. Oh, Brian's all serious.
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204. "Oh, I don't... I don't
drink in the morning
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205. because I've got
to land a plane."
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206. All right, come on, I've got
to drive you to daycare.
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207. Okay, okay, it's all right.
C-Calm down, calm down.
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208. Uh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I...
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209. I think I've put my shoes
on the wrong feet.
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210. Is it 9:15 already?
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211. Lois, we got to go!
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212. You know, I've got all
the papers for the loan officer,
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213. but, I got to admit,
I'm a little nervous.
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214. Don't worry, we're gonna
get this loan, no problem.
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215. And if you get nervous,
just do what I always do,
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216. picture your
audience naked.
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217. Good afternoon,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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218. Aah! Get that enormous
thing out of my face!
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219. I'll be your loan officer,
so why don't you have a seat
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220. and tell me
about your business.
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221. Our business
is cookies.
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222. Now let me ask
you a question.
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223. You ever
heard of money?
Yes.
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224. Good, good. We're
on the same page.
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225. Now, sir, let me ask
you something else.
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226. Can you name one successful
company that isn't cookie-based?
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227. Microsoft.
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228. Peter, I'll handle this.
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229. Uh, my husband and I would like
to open a cookie store.
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230. We've done all the research,
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231. and I'm very confident
we can turn a profit.
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232. I've brought some samples
if you'd like to try one.
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233. She said one.
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234. Take one.
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235. Mmm. Well,
these are delicious.
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236. Let me just run this
by my supervisor.
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237. Yes!
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238. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
this bank would like
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239. to help you start
your business.
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240. Really?
Oh, that's fantastic!
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241. And if you have
any other questions,
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242. you can call me
at any time.
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243. Hello?
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244. How far away are the stars?
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245. Brian! Brian!
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246. Hold-hold on one second.
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247. I'll be right with you,
Mr. Duckford.
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248. Brian!
What?
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249. Let's order... I was just
thinking, let's order a kebab.
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250. A what?
A kebab.
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251. But I... but I want it
in this order:
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252. vegetable, meat, meat,
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253. vegetable, meat.
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254. And, uh, Mr. Duckford
would like some quackers.
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255. Can I leave now?
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256. No, no, Bri... No, you can't.
Brian, I need your help.
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257. I've made a series
of small poops in my bath,
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258. and I need you to scoop them out
with this fishnet.
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259. Yeah, I'm not doing that.
You have to.
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260. You're my butler.
I'm not your butler.
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261. I know, but wouldn't
it be great if you were?
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262. It'd be... I'd be so happy.
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263. In fact, the only thing
that would make me happier is...
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264. would... is... would be if this
tub was filled with "yawgurt."
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265. Can you... can you get me
some yawgurt?
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266. Is the yawgurt shop
still open?
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267. Is there... is there some place
to dial up yawgurt?
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268. Stop saying that.
What's the best skin yawgurt?
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269. Who can... who can prepare me
a nice yawgurt treatment?
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270. If you say it like that one
more time, I'm gonna drown you.
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271. Yawgurt. Uh, see?
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272. You're not... you're not
gonna do anything.
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273. Hey, hey, Brian,
am I a good little guy?
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274. This space
will be perfect, Peter.
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275. Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
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276. Now all we got to do
is name the store.
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277. Ooh, ooh, I got it.
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278. Peter's Wife's Cookies.
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279. I love it.
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280. And I love you.
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281. Really?
Yes.
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282. You know, we did so-so
building a family,
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283. but this business—
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284. I think we can really
knock it out of the park.
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285. Oh, we sure can, Lois.
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286. We're gonna be a great team.
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287. Like Moses and his buddy who
liked to collect seashells.
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288. Yay!
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289. I can't believe it, Peter.
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290. Our first day
of business.
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291. All right. Well,
we have got work to do,
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292. so let's roll up our sleeves
and get right to it.
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293. There's a lot to do,
so we can't be afraid
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294. to just roll up our sleeves
and get the job done.
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295. We can't be hands-off managers.
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296. We got to roll up our sleeves
and just dig in.
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297. Peter, your arms
are turning purple.
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298. Purple with success.
That's the color of money.
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299. You got to do the work of two
men and pay yourself for one.
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300. Just roll up those sleeves
and address the task at hand,
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301. whatever it may be, not shying
away from the dirty work,
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302. but just rolling up our sleeves
and having at it.
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303. Success is not given.
It is taken.
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304. It's time to get in the game
and get dirty.
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305. All right, I'm going to lunch.
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306. Uh, yes, I'd like
a chocolate chip cookie.
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307. Elmer!
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308. What, Mom? You promised
I could get a cookie
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309. if I finished
all my surgery.
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310. Did you?
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311. Yeah.
All of it?
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312. Um...
Get back there.
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313. I'm gonna do it.
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314. What does it matter
when I do it?
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315. Lois, Lois, lock the door.
Why?
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316. It's that lady who comes
in, tries a sample,
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317. and then whispers about
how bad she is. Hey.
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318. Oh, my God, you have
chocolate macadamia nut?
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319. Oh, could I just try
a little sample?
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320. Oh, I'm so bad.
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321. Uh, sure.
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322. You gonna buy a
cookie this time?
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323. Oh, I better just
stick with the sample.
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324. I'm so bad.
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325. But at least
I know I'm bad,
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326. so that makes me
a little less bad.
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327. Or worse.
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328. That was the right thing
to do, Peter.
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329. Oh, boy, it's been
really slow.
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330. I mean, if it doesn't
pick up soon,
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331. we're not gonna stay
in business very long.
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332. Don't you worry,
Lois, you keep baking,
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333. I'll drum up some business.
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334. We just got to think
outside the box,
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335. like the makers of
Dreyer's ice cream.
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336. Guys, I've said it before,
and I'll say it again:
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337. When people go to
the supermarket,
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338. they need something
to look at
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339. before they choose
Hãagen-Dazs.
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340. Hey, dude, can you pass me
a speck of Spazz?
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341. Sorry, brah,
all out.
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342. You want a cube
of Froosh?
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343. Nah, I'm not into Froosh.
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344. I got a tear
of Laser Dragon.
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345. Can I handle it?
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346. I don't know.
Can you?
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347. Gum! What the hell is going on?
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348. I don't know
what to do, you guys.
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349. The cookie shop
is tanking.
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350. If it fails,
we're screwed.
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351. My God,
what does it take
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352. to get people
to buy a damn cookie?
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353. Peter, let me
tell you something.
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354. I spend $600 a month
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355. on scented candles
at the farmer's market
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356. just because there's
a hot chick selling them.
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357. So what are you saying?
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358. You just bragging
about candles?
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359. That's a weird thing
to brag about.
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360. No, I'm saying
sex sells.
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361. Trust me,
you get a few hotties
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362. in that cookie shop
of yours,
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363. I bet your sales
will go up.
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364. Giggity.
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365. That was an unearned
giggity, Quagmire.
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366. I said "up."
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367. No?
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368. No.
No.
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369. Well, I'll try
anything, Quagmire,
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370. 'cause I actually like
running that cookie shop.
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371. It's way better
than that job I had
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372. telemarketing
to buttholes.
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373. Hello?
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374. Sorry, wrong number.
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375. Hello?
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376. Sorry, wrong number.
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377. And how are you today, sir?
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378. Oh, my God.
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379. Customers.
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380. What the hell?
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381. Peter, what did you do?
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382. I saved our business.
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383. And don't worry,
I only hired women
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384. whose names are
cookie-related.
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385. Lois, meet
Cookie, Sugar,
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386. Spice, Cinnamon,
Brown Sugar
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387. and Butter.
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388. Oh, hey,
Butter.
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389. Some guys
like Butter.
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390. Peter, you turned our store
into a strip club.
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391. And I don't like
what this place has become.
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392. You mean hugely
profitable?
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393. We made all that today?
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394. Well, it was
twice as much,
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395. but I had to bail out
Cinnamon's kid.
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396. Thanks, Mr. Peter.
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397. This guy's the best.
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398. Well, I guess business
is better than ever.
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399. That's the spirit, Lois.
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400. Just you watch, we'll
be a bigger success
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401. than Richard Branson.
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402. Hey, where's the business
guy in this boardroom?
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403. It couldn't be that
tan, long-haired guy
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404. with the white linen
pants, could it?
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405. It is!
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406. And now, to my amphibious
sky submarine.
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407. I have way too much money!
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408. Come on, get-get down there,
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409. you old bag.
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410. There we go.
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411. Stewie, what are you doing?
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412. Being awesome.
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413. Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait.
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414. You're in no
condition to drive.
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415. I'm fine to drive.
I'm so fine.
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416. You s...
I can do all the tests.
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417. See?
I can touch my nose.
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418. I can touch my...
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419. Stop it.
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420. No, you stop it.
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421. You stop it, Brian.
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422. You're interfering
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423. with my professional
business.
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424. Where's the radio?
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425. Oh, my God, are you okay?
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426. No. I don't feel so good.
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427. We should probably
exchange numbers.
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428. Okay. I'm a ten,
you're a four.
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429. This one's our new
chocolate white chocolate,
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430. and for every
dozen we sell,
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431. we donate 50 cents
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432. to Operation Smile.
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433. Yeah, nobody's
listening to you.
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434. They're all watching Sugar
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435. write frosting
swears on her jugs.
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436. She just wrote
"vagina" on her boobs.
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437. That doesn't even
make any sense.
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438. She's doing what?
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439. I told her ten minutes ago
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440. to put another batch
of oatmeal in the oven.
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441. Oh, that dough
is gone, Lois.
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442. I warmed it up
and put it behind
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443. those waist-high
holes in the wall.
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444. Is it spaghetti?
A bowl of grapes?
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445. Ooh, this is the best
haunted house ever.
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446. Peter, this is disgusting.
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447. I know we made a few changes,
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448. but this store should
still be about selling cookies.
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449. Well, you're never gonna
sell any looking like that.
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450. There. Now you're
ready to sell cookies.
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451. You know what?
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452. That's it. I'm done.
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453. I don't know why I ever
let you talk me into this...
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454. this...
whatever this is now.
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455. It's a strip club that
gives away free cookies.
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456. Ugh.
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457. Oh, crap.
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458. I should've known
something was up
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459. when I saw all those
cars out front.
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460. Stewie, why don't you
come and have a seat
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461. with all your friends here?
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462. We have something
to say to you.
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463. I'll go first.
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464. "Stewie, I remember
the day you were born.
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465. "I thought to myself,
here's a kid
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466. "who's got a white,
empty canvas
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467. stretched out
in front of him."
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468. Oh, please.
What... Who...
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469. What is this...
What is this,
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470. the circle
of perfect people?
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471. Who are you
to judge me?
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472. Mis-Mister...
Mister Giraffe,
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473. who lets l-little boys
grind on his rump.
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474. Mr. Octopus, who lets
little boys grind on his rump.
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475. Every one of you
has your own problems.
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476. Yeah, but you're
the only one who almost
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477. killed a kid yesterday.
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478. Yeah, well, that's, d...
That's because that...
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479. 'Cause, because that
kid... That's because...
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480. because that... 'ca...
because that kid...
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481. that kid...
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482. I know.
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483. Oh, Brian.
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484. Who am I?
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485. I don't have a cough,
and my sinuses
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486. are remarkably
wide open.
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487. But I have a problem.
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488. Good. Admitting it
is the first step.
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489. But don't worry,
I'll get you through it.
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490. Thank you, Brian.
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491. You're welcome, Stewie.
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492. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to Chris's room.
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493. We're doing
a masturbation intervention.
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494. I got a bunch of his friends
sitting in a circle in there...
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495. Oh, dear God.
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496. Oh. Hey.
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497. Lois, before you
say anything,
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498. there's something
important I want to tell you.
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499. After you left, I ate
cookie dough off the stomach
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500. of a 20-year-old,
and then I vomited
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501. and all the girls
laughed at me,
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502. and then it came out that they
all think I'm fat and old.
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503. Is that it?
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504. I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
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505. I was wrong to choose
sexiness over my wife.
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506. Peter, what are you doing?
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507. What-what was that?
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508. Oh, back at the store,
I, uh, tucked my boner
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509. into the waistband of my pants
and now it's sitting weird.
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510. That's your apology?
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511. Well, that and this.
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512. Oh, Peter, did...
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513. did you bake this?
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514. Yeah. I love you, Lois.
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515. I really liked
having a store with you,
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516. and I'm...
I'm sorry I messed it up.
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517. I was only trying to help.
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518. I know, Peter.
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519. So you want
to split this with me?
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520. Uh, I wouldn't.
Butter helped me with it,
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521. and she has
chlamydia fingers.
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522. Well, it was fun
having our own store.
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523. But from now on,
my cookies
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524. are only
for these customers.
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525. Oh, Mom.
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526. So, Mom, what are you
gonna do with the shop?
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527. Well, I talked
to the bank,
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528. and they agreed
to take it back.
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529. Me love Cookie. Om, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...
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