1. Hey, guys. You look like
you're getting a little red.
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2. Maybe you ought to put
some sunblock on.
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3. Joe, we just got here.
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4. Oh, sorry about that.
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5. These got
a little mixed up.
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6. "Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
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7. Ugh, look at Cleveland
over there.
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8. He's obviously cleaning his feet
in the pool
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9. without making it look like he's
cleaning his feet in the pool.
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10. Oh, that's nice.
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11. That's a good temp.
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12. I wonder if this temp is
the same on my other foot.
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13. Oh, yeah.
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14. Sure is a good day for it.
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15. Good day for
these wet paint brushes, too.
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16. Is the pool too warm
for paint brushes?
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17. Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
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18. I didn't see you in the tub.
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19. Huh, what's all this?
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20. Honey,
it doesn't seem like
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21. the Griffins are leaving
anytime too soon!
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22. Oh. Hey, Peter.
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23. Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
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24. Oh, nothing.
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25. They're just some stupid
scribbles I've been working on
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26. for a children's book.
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27. Well, I don't think
that's stupid.
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28. I think that's
awesome!
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29. I mean, my one
note on these
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30. would be to hide a bunch
of dongs in the backgrounds,
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31. but, otherwise, I
think they're great!
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32. Wow. Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
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33. I've been working on this book
for nine years,
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34. but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
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35. Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
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36. What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
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37. Then nobody would know
about Africa.
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38. What's it about?
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39. Well, it's called
The Hopeful Squirrel.
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40. It's about
a handicapped squirrel
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41. who has to learn
to overcome his disabilities
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42. so he can survive in the wild.
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43. As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
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44. Wait... were you
once a squirrel?
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45. No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
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46. Well, you know, you ought
to do something with this.
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47. Really? You think so?
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48. Hey, trust me, Joe.
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49. I know talent
when I see it.
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50. I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
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51. Ordinary legume.
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52. Ordinary legume.
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53. Extraordinary peanut!
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54. Oh, man.
There she is.
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55. Wha... Who?
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56. That girl,
right there.
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57. She comes in here every morning
after her run.
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58. Ah, I'm obsessed
with her.
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59. Well, why don't
you go talk to her?
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60. Way ahead of ya.
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61. Wh... Where
are you going?
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62. And... 1,000.
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63. Whew.
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64. 1,000 what?
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65. Percent, that's what.
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66. You, uh, you in
the game, too?
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67. You mean running?
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68. Uh, let me think—
what's on my trophies?
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69. Uh... yes!
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70. You're losing her!
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71. Hey, I'm Brian.
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72. Hi, I'm Chloe.
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73. Nice to meet you.
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74. Hey, uh, you
wouldn't maybe want
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75. to grab a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
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76. That sounds great.
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77. Awesome.
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78. You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
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79. I tried the online
dating thing,
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80. but there's just too much
competition out there.
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81. Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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82. Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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83. Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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84. Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
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85. Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
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86. Due to a gut-busting divorce,
limited people skills,
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87. and significant prodding
from my therapist,
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88. I am currently seeking online
companionship as
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89. a short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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90. And I would love to attempt
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91. to convert my heavily
embellished Internet profile
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92. and carefully airbrushed,
out-of-date photo,
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93. into a night of
physical intimacy with you...!
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94. Peter, I just heard
the best news.
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95. Wow, word gets
around fast.
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96. Nice, right?
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97. No. Peter,
I took your advice
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98. and sent my book
to a publisher.
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99. They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
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100. And it's all
thanks to you!
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101. Joe, that's amazing!
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102. So there's gonna be a
real live book out there
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103. with your name on it?
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104. Well, actually, I'm writing it
under a pen name—
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105. David Chicago.
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106. Well, how come you didn't
just write it under Joe...
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107. S... Steenburj...
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108. You know,
your real name?
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109. I wanted to avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
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110. They don't like
anything artistic.
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111. They were pretty rough
on my mime act.
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112. I'm in a box.
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113. Oop, that's the
back of the box.
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114. You're not supposed
to talk!
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115. Well, how else are you
gonna know I'm in a box?
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116. Oh. Hi, Brian.
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117. Hey. You, uh...
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118. you didn't forget
about our date, did you?
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119. Of course not.
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120. I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
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121. we could go out for
a run and then eat.
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122. Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know,
I would totally do that.
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123. I-I just... I've already run,
like, so many "K" today.
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124. Oh, come on,
don't be a wimp!
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125. This way, you'll earn
your dessert.
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126. Wow, this is great,
isn't it, Brian?
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127. Yeah, it's awesome.
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128. Hey, uh, is your vision
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129. also reduced
to just a tiny pinhole?
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130. Just push
through it, Brian.
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131. Once you hit
your runner's high,
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132. you'll catch
your second wind.
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133. Runner's high?
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134. Yeah, my endorphins
always kick in
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135. at the top of this hill.
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136. Oh, crap.
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137. Brian, this is your heart.
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138. What the hell do you think
you're doing?
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139. Stop.
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140. Brian, this is your penis.
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141. Don't listen to him.
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142. We're this close to Bone City.
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143. Brian, I'm here, too.
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144. I'm hanging out with
your penis and your heart.
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145. Okay, here comes the top.
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146. Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
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147. I feel it.
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148. I'm feeling the runner's high.
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149. Go get 'em, Brian!
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150. By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
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151. The moon is Korean!
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152. Wow, this is amazing.
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153. I never want to lose
this feeling.
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154. Oh, Brian.
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155. That was incredible.
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156. Yeah, you hump her
real good, Brian!
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157. I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
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158. I still see you!
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159. Hello, everyone.
I'm Blake Walker
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160. from Piermont Publishing.
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161. Please join me in welcoming
David Chicago.
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162. Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
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163. I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
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164. That's not a joke!
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165. Uh, anyway,
this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
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166. "There once was
a handicapped squirrel
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167. who could not climb trees
to get food."
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168. Okay, next page.
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169. "The squirrel"--
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170. the same squirrel
from the first page—
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171. "hoped that the other animals
would share their food with him.
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172. "'Please,'
said the Hopeful Squirrel.
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173. "'If you could all spare
just one nut,
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174. I, too, could survive
the winter.'"
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175. Sorry about that.
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176. Mommy, I don't like
the wheel man.
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177. "But none of the other animals
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178. would share
with the Hopeful Squirrel."
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179. Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
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180. Don't tell my kid what to do.
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181. Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
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182. Shut up! This is free!
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183. You know why it's free?
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184. 'Cause it sucks!
Quagmire?
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185. I think it might
be time to leave.
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186. Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
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187. I got to do something.
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188. Joe, what are
you doing?
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189. The-the squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
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190. It's got to be like,
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191. "If you
could spare just one nut,
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192. I, too, could
survive the winter!"
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193. Oh, I like that voice.
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194. He's funny.
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195. That's the man who passed out
at the liquor store.
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196. Joe, quick,
give me the book.
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197. "And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
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198. "'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive attitude
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199. and arm strength.'"
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200. "'I'm sorry that
we mistreated you,'
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201. "said Buddy the Badger.
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202. "'Could you find it
in your heart
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203. "to share your nuts with us?'
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204. "'Of course I'll share
with you all,'
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205. "said the squirrel.
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206. "'For if I could not forgive,
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207. then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
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208. Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
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209. Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
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210. Listen, Joe, how would you feel
about your friend
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211. getting more involved?
What do you mean?
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212. Well, you would write the books,
and your friend, Peter,
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213. would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
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214. He would be David Chicago.
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215. Well, I...
I don't know.
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216. Joe, this happens
all the time.
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217. You wouldn't believe
who really writes
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218. all those Stephen King books.
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219. Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
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220. Scary stuff,
scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding!
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221. Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
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222. Look, Peter can get this book
into the hands
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223. of every kid in America.
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224. That's what you wanted,
isn't it?
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225. All right.
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226. Well, whatever you think
is best for the book.
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227. Great! So it's all agreed.
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228. Can't wait to work
with you, Peter.
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229. What-what just happened?
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230. Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
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231. But don't worry,
our industry's fine.
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232. Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
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233. Could you please sign
my copy of your book?
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234. Sure, I...
Easy there, Joe.
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235. Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago.
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236. "Give me all your money.
I have a gun"?
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237. Oh, wait, I think
I messed something up.
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238. "Never give up on your dreams"?
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239. Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
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240. I need to know that you're
gonna take this seriously
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241. and honor the message
of the book.
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242. Joe, I got it. Trust me.
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243. This ain't the first time
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244. I've pretended
to be someone I'm not.
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245. Gene Shalit, I am the
ghost of Roger Ebert.
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246. And even in death,
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247. I'm a better
critic than you.
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248. Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
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249. Gene, is everything
all right?
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250. It's fine, Joanne.
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251. Go back to sleep.
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252. Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.
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253. Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
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254. Our guest on
today's show is
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255. local bestselling children's
book author David Chicago.
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256. Welcome.
Thank you.
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257. Wow, all your words are
right there for you?
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258. Quite... quite the imagination
on this one.
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259. So, tell me,
how did you decide
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260. to write about
a handicapped squirrel?
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261. You know, I'd see
these crippled kids
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262. limping down the sidewalk
on my way to work,
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263. and I would just
laugh and laugh,
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264. and I thought,
"Hey! Put that in a book!"
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265. He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
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266. What's he doing out there?
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267. I'll tell you
what he's doing,
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268. he's selling books!
They love him!
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269. Now, I understand
we have some questions
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270. from the audience.
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271. Yes, I have a question.
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272. Is the Hopeful Squirrel
a boy or a girl?
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273. I'm a boy!
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274. But in the book,
I'm drawn smooth down there,
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275. so it's not a bad question.
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276. Okay, that's all our time.
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277. We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
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278. so you can see
where I buy my clothes.
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279. So what's
going on here?
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280. Just having dinner.
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281. That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
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282. Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
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283. It's called "running," Lois.
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284. Why don't you
have some food?
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285. Oh, you mean fuel?
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286. Ah, no-no offense,
Lois, but that stuff
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287. is nothing but chemicals
and empty calories.
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288. Okay. I'll mush some up
and put it on the floor
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289. next to the trash,
if you get hungry.
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290. I think you bought
girl running shoes.
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291. You know, in case
any of you want to,
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292. uh, come cheer us on,
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293. Chloe and I are doing
the Quahog Marathon
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294. in a couple weeks.
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295. A marathon?
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296. But-but what if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
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297. Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
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298. I'm not worried, Meg.
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299. I'm just gonna give it
all I've got,
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300. like Scotty
engineering the Enterprise.
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301. Scotty, we need more speed!
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302. I'm giving her
all she's got, Captain!
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303. She can't take any more!
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304. Damn. Chekov, reroute
auxiliary power to the helm.
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305. Scotty to the bridge.
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306. Uh... Captain, this is, uh...
this is a little embarrassing,
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307. but, uh, you know,
I've never noticed, uh,
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308. the little lever
I've been pushing, it's...
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309. it's only about two-thirds
of the way up.
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310. I-I actually can give her more.
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311. That's great, Scotty!
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312. Mr. Spock, give us
readings on...
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313. Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
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314. Y... You're not gonna
believe this.
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315. Uh, there is another
lever here, too.
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316. The ship can literally go
three times as fast.
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317. I...
I'm sorry.
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318. I feel like such a capital-J
jerk right now.
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319. It's okay, Scotty.
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320. Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
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321. Captain, I've-I've got to, uh,
interrupt again.
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322. I've just been thinking about
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323. this-this "giving her
all she's got" thing.
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324. I mean, I've been completely
wrong for years now.
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325. I-I feel terrible.
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326. I mean, think of how many
crises we've been in
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327. where the issue was
how fast we could go.
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328. I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
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329. Scotty, it's okay.
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330. No, it's not!
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331. Eric's dead!
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332. At the funeral, I literally
said the words to his wife,
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333. "I was giving her
all she's got."
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334. Scotty, it's fine.
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335. Sulu, lock phasers...
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336. Captain, I just
got to jump in here.
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337. W-We don't have enough
dilithium crystals
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338. to run the phasers.
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339. I've-I've lost all credibility,
haven't I?
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340. Peter, I think
we need to talk.
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341. You totally screwed up my book.
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342. You're getting kids to laugh
at handicapped people,
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343. when I'm trying to inspire them.
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344. I'm afraid you're
off the project.
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345. What?
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346. You can't kick me
off the project.
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347. I'm David Chicago!
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348. I'm the one who
wrote the book.
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349. Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
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350. All right?
Everybody knows my face now.
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351. And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us
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352. who can do
a squirrel voice.
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353. Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
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354. Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
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355. Sorry, Joe, but
the publisher loves me.
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356. The public loves me.
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357. I'm not going anywhere.
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358. Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
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359. You've ruined this for me.
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360. I want nothing
to do with the book,
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361. and I want nothing
to do with you!
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362. Aw, one of his shoes fell off
during the anger.
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363. Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
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364. Did you really take
his book away from him?
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365. Did you just poop
and then get into bed
Copy !req
366. without underwear on?
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367. That book really
meant a lot to Joe.
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368. I think you should
talk to him.
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369. Hey, that book would've
been nothing without me.
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370. And besides,
he's the one who quit.
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371. Now the publisher
wants another book
Copy !req
372. and it's all on me!
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373. I just hate to see
you two in a fight.
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374. And on the same week
when my sister and I
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375. are having such
a big fight, too.
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376. Good night, Lois.
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377. All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
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378. We got a Hopeful Squirrel
book to write.
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379. All right, now,
who's got something?
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380. I-I got... I got something.
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381. What if the squirrel
has lasers...
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382. that he shoots
out of his eyes!
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383. Quagmire's
on the board.
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384. And how 'bout
he got a frog friend
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385. that's got some sort
of catchphrase?
Copy !req
386. Like, if he's seeing something
kooky, he could be like,
Copy !req
387. "Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!"
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388. Wow.
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389. God just speaks
right through you,
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390. doesn't he, Cleveland?
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391. I believe he does.
Copy !req
392. Okay, what else,
what else?
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393. If there's
a bison...
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394. Is that a statement
or a question?
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395. It is what it is.
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396. Ain't nothing gotta
be nothing, huh?
Copy !req
397. Hey, Stewie! Can you come
in the bathroom for a second?
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398. What is it, Bri...
Oh, my God!
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399. Hey, could you
close the gate?
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400. Couple of calves
got loose. Ha, pow!
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401. Brian, you're all sinewy.
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402. Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
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403. Thanks.
That's not
a compliment.
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404. You look terrible.
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405. What does your
girlfriend think of this?
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406. I dumped her; she
couldn't keep up with me.
Copy !req
407. Hey, grab me some more
Band-Aids, will you?
Copy !req
408. I got, like, eight
more nipples
Copy !req
409. to cover up
before my run.
Copy !req
410. You know, whatever you're doing,
it isn't healthy, Brian.
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411. Oh, I'm not healthy?
Copy !req
412. Stewie, my heart rate is
down to four beats a minute.
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413. Besides, I got
to keep training.
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414. The marathon's
in two days.
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415. Brian, I-I'm worried you're
losing yourself in all this.
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416. Do you remember that phase
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417. when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
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418. Was someone wearing
my new high heels?
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419. You dick.
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420. QUAGMIRE (over P.A.
Ladies and gentlemen,
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421. boys and girls,
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422. hot moms who are married
but looking...
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423. David Chicago!
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424. Hey, how many of
y'all bitches like to read?
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425. "Chapter One.
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426. "It was winter in the forest,
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427. "so the squirrel was happy
he'd built that hot tub.
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428. "But little did he know,
a strain of super gonorrhea
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429. "was gonna hit him so fierce
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430. "he'd wish he was still
paralyzed from the waist down.
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431. "On top of that,
some son of a bitch
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432. killed his brother."
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433. "The monkey's
kick-ass buzz saw hand
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434. "tore his head open.
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435. "'His brains, his brains—
they're everywhere!'
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436. the little girl yelled."
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437. "'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
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438. "... exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
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439. "The woodchuck mom and her baby
finished their cocoa
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440. "and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
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441. But then..."
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442. "'Nothing but cops on the take
and hookers on the make,'
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443. "said Randy the Raccoon.
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444. "'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
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445. "'That and a bag of crank
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446. "is my Saturday night!'
spat Randy.
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447. The end."
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448. You're awful.
That was the worst.
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449. We had trouble hearing
you in the back.
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450. I'm sorry, Peter,
you're fired.
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451. I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out for you, Peter.
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452. What was I thinking?
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453. Joe's the one with
all the talent.
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454. Me trying to
write a book
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455. is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
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456. Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
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457. Hey, you made it!
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458. So you ready to watch
me kick some ass?
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459. Brian, I think you've taken
all of this too far.
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460. You know, there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
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461. Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
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462. And no offense, but
I'm not taking advice
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463. from a guy
who eats bread.
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464. Runners, take your marks!
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465. Oh, son of a bitch!
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466. Ow, my leg!
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467. Help me, somebody!
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468. Brian, why does everything
you touch turn to garbage?
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469. Peter.
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470. Look, Joe,
I messed up.
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471. All right? I just...
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472. I just got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
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473. The attention
you deserved.
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474. I know how much
this meant to you,
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475. and I... I should've
just stayed out of it.
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476. Listen, I'm...
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477. I'm sorry
I mistreated you.
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478. Okay?
You deserve better.
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479. Peter, wait.
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480. If I could
not forgive,
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481. then I would be
truly handicapped.
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482. What?
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483. It's from the
book, Peter.
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484. What book?
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485. I forgive you, Peter.
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486. You do?
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487. Yeah.
The truth is, without you,
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488. I never would have
had the confidence
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489. to get my book published
in the first place.
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490. And that's all I ever wanted.
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491. Friends?
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492. Frasier.
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493. So, Bri, how's
that ankle itch?
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494. Well, what
do you mean?
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495. I'm just saying,
you probably have
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496. an itchy ankle
under that cast.
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497. It starts as a tickle
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498. and then you can't
quite reach it?
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499. Not gonna work,
Stewie.
Yes, you're right.
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500. Best not
to think about it.
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501. Even though it might
be a little bug
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502. digging away
down there,
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503. just nagging
and itching and...
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504. Ah, ah, crap,
I did it to myself!
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505. Ah, what is that?
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506. Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
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507. Yeah, me, too.
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508. It just goes
to show you, Lois,
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509. books is bad news.
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510. Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
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511. The Single Girls'
Guide to Happy Hour.
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512. Dogs Who Look
Like Presidents.
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513. This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
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514. I like where
the USA is headed.
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