Family Guy 13x18

Directed by John Holmquist

André Sogliuzzo as Language Tape (voice) • Mae Whitman as Kimmi (voice) • Scott Grimes as Michael Bublé (voice) • Kevin Michael Richardson as Rapper (voice) • Sanaa Lathan as Donna Tubbs (voice)

Lois books a fun couple’s vacation in the Bahamas. But, much to Peter’s surprise, it turns out to be a marriage counseling program instead. Meanwhile, Carter watches the kids at home and becomes frustrated that they’re too into their electronics to play games the old-fashioned way. So he tries to fix it himself.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Okay, I call. What do you got?

2. Boom. Full house, jokers over instruction cards.

3. I do not enjoy playing with you.

4. Everything's so silly.

5. You guys, you'll never guess what.

6. Randy Jackson was just a big sea turtle

7. in human clothes, we heard.

8. No, we all just booked a vacation together

9. to a private resort in the Bahamas.

10. Well, that's a lot of my money,

11. but I used to have sex with you,

12. so that's the trade-off.

13. Look, it's not as expensive as it sounds.

14. We found a great group rate on a discount Web site.

15. Wow, the Bahamas.

16. I can't wait to get down there and dip my fingers in the water.

17. Yeah, it'll be awesome to nail a hotel masseuse

18. and then watch Nanny McPhee in the room.

19. So, when do we leave?

20. Oh. Sorry, Glenn.

21. The deal was for couples only.

22. I... I'm afraid you can't come.

23. All right, fine. Since you'll all be gone,

24. I'll just walk around my yard naked, pee anywhere I want.

25. I don't care.

26. I think it's great that Peter and Lois

27. are getting away together.

28. Yeah, I think Dad's actually kind of excited about it.

29. Yes, very. He even bought some sort of language tapes,

30. although I don't think he's using them properly.

31. I would like to hear the specials.

32. I would like to hear the specials.

33. Where is the Eiffel Tower?

34. I would rather hear the specials.

35. I'm sorry I'm late.

36. I shoved an employee at Wendy's and they called the cops.

37. You got to warn somebody before you hand him a square burger.

38. Thanks again for watching the kids while we're gone, Daddy.

39. Yeah, but how come Babs couldn't come?

40. Oh, she wanted to be here, but she got hired to be the stuffy

41. old woman who slowly comes around to it in a rap video.

42. I'm so glad the times are not changing.

43. My garden party has been ruined.

44. But I'm beginning to tap my foot.

45. All right, I know most of you haven't traveled with me,

46. but get ready to see a lot of airport elevators

47. you didn't know existed.

48. Hey, guys. Say, Lois, I-I know you said this trip

49. was couples only, but great news.

50. We're now a couple.

51. Oh. Who's this?

52. This is Kimmie. I met her in a pop-up window

53. on the Internet. She was in my area.

54. Hi. Peter Griffin, all but separated.

55. Oh, right on.

56. All right, well, I suppose I could look into

57. adding you two to the reservation.

58. Yeah, you guys should definitely come.

59. Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.

60. Relax, Peter.

61. Geez, I haven't seen you this excited

62. since you got that letter sent by carrier owl.

63. Oh, my God. Is this my acceptance to Hogwarts?

64. No, it's a letter asking you

65. to stop throwing rocks at my nest.

66. You hit one of my kids, and now he can't fly right.

67. Well, fine, then I'll just throw rocks at the hornets.

68. He told me to do it.

69. And thus began the Thousand Year War

70. between the avians and the insects.

71. It was a brutal war, it was a bitter war.

72. And most importantly, it was a visually spectacular war.

73. Attack!

74. Charge!

75. Sorry, I'm being told this would be very expensive

76. to animate, so instead, here's some stock footage

77. of an old plane trying to take off.

78. They didn't have enough wings.

79. Oh, my God, this place is gorgeous.

80. Yeah, I can't wait to puke up a club sandwich in the pool.

81. Hello, couples. My name is Noel,

82. and welcome to Pleasant Surroundings.

83. Something about black people wearing all-white clothes—

84. it's very peaceful.

85. We have a special beach barbecue planned for you tonight,

86. but in the meantime, please enjoy all our amenities.

87. We will. Come on, girls, let's go wear big floppy sun hats

88. in the pool and then be mad when they get wet.

89. Yeah, I'm gonna hit the pool soon, myself.

90. Got to let the lifeguard know he better keep an eye on me.

91. I'm here a whole week, pal.

92. Hey, Brian, check it out— HotOrNot.com.

93. Ten. One.

94. Ten. One.

95. Five. Five.

96. Hey, I just made black coffee

97. in an old tin pan. Who wants some?

98. No one? What's wrong with you people?

99. Dick Fosbury won an Olympics on this.

100. Well, say, this is pretty neat.

101. I brought you kids an old seed packet I found in my garage.

102. I know what you got your fingers crossed for,

103. and yes, they're persimmons.

104. All right, that's it.

105. Damn it, I tried two things that all kids love:

106. coffee and old seed packets.

107. And all any of you can do is stare

108. at those Game Boy machines! I'm sick of it!

109. In fact, for the rest of the week, no more screens.

110. I'm locking those things up. Wait, you what?

111. Oh, come on, what the hell? Aw...

112. Aw, but what...? That's right,

113. I'm gonna show you kids how to have fun the old-fashioned way,

114. like I did when I was a kid.

115. But I can't live without my laptop.

116. How else am I supposed to get my degree

117. from the University of Phoenix?

118. Credit card information.

119. And submit.

120. And I'm a lawyer.

121. We find the defendant guilty of murder.

122. Sorry.

123. Oh, hey, you guys.

124. Uh, Quagmire, I don't think you can go to dinner

125. in your swimsuit.

126. And what the hell happened to you?

127. Oh, Kimmie and I fell asleep on the beach.

128. Yeah, I think you better change.

129. Okay, we'll be down in a minute.

130. Welcome, everyone.

131. I hope you enjoyed your afternoon,

132. but now it's time to get to work.

133. On the rippin' and the tearin'?

134. Even better. We're going to work on your relationships.

135. After all, this isn't just a vacation,

136. it's a couples counseling retreat.

137. Oh, what the hell?

138. Sorry, Peter.

139. We had to trick you guys or you wouldn't have come.

140. No. You can't make me.

141. I'll get hit with a coconut so I lose my memory of this.

142. Aah! I remember everything!

143. I was abused by my dad!

144. Lois, I can't believe you tricked us

145. into coming on a couples counseling retreat.

146. I do not like being lied to.

147. Me neither. I mean, wives conspiring

148. against their husbands. What's next, huh?

149. Freakin' Cheney back in the White House?

150. Hmm, that didn't link up.

151. Trust me, you won't regret this.

152. I'll see you all in the morning for our first session.

153. Sheesh, couples counseling?

154. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone.

155. Wives, huh? He gets it.

156. Hey there, buckaroos!

157. Who's ready for some old-timey fun?

158. I thought we could go down to the old swimmin' hole

159. and swim in a hole.

160. Ugh. That sounds lame.

161. Who-whose hole is it?

162. I'm potentially in.

163. Grandpa, can I just have my video games back?

164. I want to play Call of Duty.

165. Oh, I've got the original Call of Duty right here.

166. It's called jacks.

167. Got one!

168. Will I get two? Come get in on this.

169. Wait, this-this game is cleaning up toys?

170. Carter, read the room. They're not into it.

171. All right, fair enough.

172. I just don't want you kids sitting

173. around here glued to your screens.

174. So let's get the blood pumping with my Jack LaLanne record.

175. Bend to the left.

176. Bend to the right.

177. Get the big spring.

178. Stretch the big spring.

179. Stop to smoke.

180. Get a big towel.

181. Put it behind your neck.

182. Tuck it in your shirt.

183. Looks like boobs.

184. Put on a wig.

185. Dance with a man.

186. Don't tell your wife.

187. Take it to your grave.

188. Okay, good workout.

189. I got to go call somebody and hang up.

190. All right, our first counseling exercise will be

191. speaking to each other with "I feel" statements.

192. Lois, please begin.

193. I feel unappreciated,

194. like you don't want to spend time with me.

195. Okay. I feel a numbness radiating down my left arm.

196. I feel like you should help out more around the house.

197. I feel like salty and sweet.

198. You got white chocolate French fries?

199. I feel like my cervix hurts.

200. I feel pride.

201. Okay, for our next exercise,

202. let's play The Oldlywed Game.

203. Relax, it's just a questionnaire.

204. Really?

205. Whatever, I like likin' things.

206. Peter, when is Lois's birthday?

207. Uh, let's see, when is Hitler's birthday?

208. April 20.

209. Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.

210. Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?

211. Well, she must like ground glass,

212. because I keep finding it in my food.

213. Cleveland... Pass.

214. Quagmire, what color are Kimmie's eyes?

215. Shaved. Sor-sorry, what-what is it?

216. What's the question?

217. Okay, last night I did some personality assessments

218. based on yesterday's session, and what I found

219. was none of you couples

220. are compatible with each other at all.

221. No, no, no, that's not a good thing.

222. But, interestingly, you have high compatibility

223. with other people in this group.

224. Oh, my God. That is crazy.

225. More mac and cheese. Here, just keep it going.

226. Keep it going... don't be afraid of the burned edges.

227. Just give me the tray.

228. Wait, so what happened?

229. Anyway, I'd like to do an exercise.

230. Just for the morning, you'll all be paired

231. with your more compatible match.

232. And hopefully, you'll bring some lessons back

233. from that experience into your marriages.

234. Okay, so the new couple pairings

235. are as follows: Cleveland and Lois...

236. Oh, cool! My FICO score just went up a hundred points.

237. Quagmire and Bonnie,

238. Joe and Donna,

239. and Peter and Kimmie.

240. Yay! I win couples counseling!

241. Look at those hairless shins.

242. They're magnificent.

243. Decades of black dress socks

244. have rendered them smooth and mirror-like.

245. Grandpa, what are we even doing out here?

246. Looking for shapes in the clouds.

247. That one looks like the Thompson Throat Lozenge girl!

248. See? She's got the boater on and everything!

249. I'm bored. Can't we do something else?

250. Well, back when I was your age,

251. there was nothing better than knocking on doors

252. and throwing paper bags full of flour at people.

253. That's a thing? What, flour facin'?

254. It's the best thing! We used it to keep Italians

255. from going to the polls.

256. Stay home today, Guido!

257. Yay! Old-fashioned things are the best!

258. So, this is the second vacation that I've watched

259. every Jurassic Park.

260. Peter, you're awesome. You're so funny.

261. Hey, Kimmie, I'll pay you a thousand dollars

262. for one whole handful of your butt.

263. For two handfuls, I'll give you my car.

264. All right, that's enough!

265. I have had it, Peter!

266. So, how are the new pairings working out?

267. Are you all gaining lots of insights?

268. No! I can see now

269. that coming here was a huge mistake!

270. You're hopeless, Peter!

271. Your feet look old.

272. This retreat is over!

273. Fire up the boat— we're going home!

274. Mrs. Griffin, please,

275. I urge you to finish the program.

276. No, thank you.

277. I never should've come here.

278. Or at least not with him.

279. Is there anything I can do to change...

280. Oh, my God!

281. We're taking this island back.

282. Yeah! Kill the whites! Race war!

283. (grunts

284. Run! Everybody run!

285. What the hell is happening?

286. Somebody do something!

287. Look! We got to get the attention of that plane!

288. You got to help us!

289. Man, those natives are pissed!

290. This is like a full-blown revolution!

291. Do you think me throwing full sodas into the garbage

292. had anything to do with this?

293. Quick! Into the jungle!

294. What are we gonna do?

295. Wait a minute— yesterday, near the north beach,

296. I saw a small landing strip, giggity.

297. It might be our best chance to get off, giggity, the island.

298. Did you really see that, or was it just an excuse

299. to say "giggity"? I don't know, baby— I'm crazy with the heat.

300. Take your pants off.

301. Oh, my God, this is legit ridic.

302. I got to post this.

303. Josh Radnor's twitter feed is so funny!

304. That's impossible.

305. Geez, coming here was a bad idea.

306. Like when I brought museum behavior into my home.

307. Excuse me, we do ask that you don't touch anything.

308. I got to say, Carter, you've done a good job.

309. We'd become slaves to our electronics.

310. But you know what we're doing here?

311. We're reclaiming our lives.

312. You're kind of an egghead, aren't you, Brian?

313. Vroom! Everyone on this plane is wearing a suit.

314. Say, that reminds me.

315. Everyone, time to dress for dinner.

316. Ooh! I want to light the candles, Pop-Pop!

317. Oh, boy, I haven't had this much fun

318. since I played with that Bublé wrap.

319. Oh, cool!

320. What?

321. This is a very skeevy packing product.

322. Oh, my God, this is bad.

323. I know. If we die, what's gonna happen

324. to my mail? What?

325. I'm just sayin', how's the post office supposed to know?

326. And my DVR! It'll be full in a week!

327. I record Ellen every day!

328. I know I shouldn't, but whenever she dances,

329. I'm like, "Go ahead, girl, it's your world!"

330. I heard she gay.

331. Well, it seems like we're pretty talked out.

332. Thanks for changing your mind about drowning me in that river.

333. Hey. Did you see those pictures of me

334. doing duck lips by a pool?

335. I don't know, some island.

336. Shh!

337. You rebel scum!

338. Ah, you're too young. You don't know.

339. So, how did you guys get captured?

340. Quagmire screams when he urinates.

341. How about you?

342. Cleveland kept stopping to scratch his back on trees.

343. Lois don't do it right.

344. Come here, baby.

345. You need them Lee Press-Ons.

346. Mmm. There it is.

347. Mmm.

348. Oh, Peter!

349. I was so worried about you.

350. Lois, when we got captured, I said, "You rebel scum,"

351. and Kimmie didn't get it.

352. That's funny!

353. From The Star Wars!

354. Well, just Star Wars. But I missed you, sweetheart!

355. Why are you doing this? Let us go!

356. Every year we have to deal with you American tourists!

357. Stuffing your slob faces, taking video you'll never watch,

358. and asking if I'm the Captain Phillips guy.

359. I'm not!

360. Take the couples out, two by two,

361. and execute them.

362. Oh, my God!

363. Well, at least I ain't going out with a itchy back.

364. Oh, no! This is terrible!

365. Now, now, maybe they just shot Donna twice.

366. Bonnie, quick, lock my wheels!

367. We don't have to make it easy for 'em!

368. Scuffin' up those floors pretty good!

369. Boy, they're really going at Donna.

370. Any last words?

371. Moist.

372. Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry I lied to get you to come here.

373. I should've been honest with you.

374. Please forgive me? I do, Lois.

375. I know you were just trying to do something

376. good for our marriage.

377. And I'm sorry I've been such a jerk about it.

378. I need you, Lois.

379. I always will.

380. And if I got to get shot by ooga-booga people,

381. I want it to happen with you.

382. Oh, Peter.

383. I love you so much, Lois.

384. I love you, too, Peter.

385. Lois, I think you should know,

386. I never cared for your most recent haircut.

387. Peter, I've had the same haircut for 20 years.

388. We're ready now.

389. Congratulations, Griffins— you did it!

390. You've successfully completed the program.

391. What? What?

392. We just found out, too! The whole thing was staged.

393. Noel dying, the uprising, all of it.

394. Oh-ho, that's what they meant on their Web site:

395. "Staged Revolution Marital Counseling."

396. It all makes sense.

397. Yes, sorry to deceive you all,

398. but we find that when couples don't respond

399. to traditional counseling, the stress of extreme danger

400. reminds them of what matters most in their lives—

401. their love for each other.

402. I feel like I should be mad, but...

403. I guess you're right.

404. Lois and I have never felt closer.

405. And I did get to kill a guy. What?

406. Thanks for everything, Noel.

407. Well, kids, it's Dyngus Day.

408. Here are your pussy willow branches.

409. Find your sweetie and give her a tap.

410. Looks like I found my sweetie.

411. Oh, sarsaparilla!

412. I was going to take sister!

413. Hey, you little rats.

414. All right, Lois, let's just leave our bags here

415. and wonder where our clothes are for the next two days.

416. How was your trip, Father?

417. We've prepared a song for you.

418. Nope.

419. Oh, boy, it's nice to be home.

420. Sure is, Lois. Now, shush. TV.

421. Television? How pathetic.

422. Yeah. You know where

423. the most interesting stuff is, Dad?

424. The human hat.

425. We now return to Police Chases...

426. No, thank you— we are a screen-free family.

427. That End in Fire.

428. That's awesome!

429. Nobody look at him, and maybe he'll just leave.

430. Good job, people.

431. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH