1. And that is why chest hairCopy !req
2. is on its way... back.Copy !req
3. Hey, guys.
I got something for you,Copy !req
4. an invitation for each
of you to Quagfest.Copy !req
5. Quagfest?
What's that?Copy !req
6. "You and a guest
are cordially invitedCopy !req
7. "to witness Glenn Quagmire's
1,000th sexual conquestCopy !req
8. "at Quagfest,
a three-day festival celebratingCopy !req
9. the three Fs:
food, fun, and..."Copy !req
10. Oh, my.Copy !req
11. Yeah, they almost wouldn't print
that at Kinko's.Copy !req
12. Damn! 1,000 women?Copy !req
13. Well, 1,000
sexual conquests.Copy !req
14. No further questions.Copy !req
15. Sounds like fun, Glenn!Copy !req
16. Yeah, I'm closing down
the whole street.Copy !req
17. It's gonna be
like a block partyCopy !req
18. but with way more weirdos
grinding up against your wives.Copy !req
19. That sounds awesome!Copy !req
20. There hasn't been that kind
of excitement on our streetCopy !req
21. since we had that big Dumpster
in our front yard.Copy !req
22. Can someone take out
the garbage?Copy !req
23. I will!Copy !req
24. Yeah!Copy !req
25. Yeah! Smash! Boom!Copy !req
26. Someone stop him.Copy !req
27. Last time, he threw out
our whole bedroom.Copy !req
28. I'm still in here!Copy !req
29. Oh, big Dumpster—
that-that reminds me,Copy !req
30. Ice-T's wife is also coming
to Quagfest.Copy !req
31. And in local news,Copy !req
32. Hollywood comes to Quahog,
almost,Copy !req
33. as three hours from here
in Waterbury, Connecticut,Copy !req
34. Liam Neeson has begun shooting
his latest film.Copy !req
35. His new project is reportedly
an historical epic,Copy !req
36. in which Mr. Neeson starsCopy !req
37. as a vengeance-crazed
Albert Einstein.Copy !req
38. Channel Five News
has this exclusive first lookCopy !req
39. that I taped off my VCR
from Entertainment Tonight.Copy !req
40. All right,
I'll give you the formula.Copy !req
41. My foot equals
your balls squared.Copy !req
42. Pfft. Liam Neeson. What a fraud.Copy !req
43. Oh, come on, Peter.
Not this again.Copy !req
44. What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.Copy !req
45. Knock it off.
We've had to hearCopy !req
46. this same speech
a million times.Copy !req
47. Yeah, every time you get
a couple of beers in you,Copy !req
48. we have to hear all about
how you can beat up Liam Neeson.Copy !req
49. That's not true.
Yes, it is.Copy !req
50. What about that time we
snuck beers into the opera?Copy !req
51. I could
totally beat up Liam Neeson.Copy !req
52. Hey, you know this old woman
who lived in a shoe,Copy !req
53. she had so many children,
she didn't know what to do?Copy !req
54. I got something
she could do.Copy !req
55. Get your tubes tied,
you kook!Copy !req
56. Hey, how you doing
on that chocolate milk?Copy !req
57. You need
a little freshen-up?Copy !req
58. There's
my little sweetie.Copy !req
59. Are you ready
to go home, Stewie?Copy !req
60. Oh, Lois,
I'm glad you're here.Copy !req
61. I noticed that you're one
of the moms who hasn't yetCopy !req
62. signed up to be
a classroom volunteer.Copy !req
63. Oh, I-I just assumed after
that incident in the parking lotCopy !req
64. with that bitch in the Lexus,
you wouldn't want me to.Copy !req
65. But, yeah, I'd be happy
to help out in the class.Copy !req
66. What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.Copy !req
67. I don't bother you when you're
sitting on the washing machine,Copy !req
68. screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.Copy !req
69. Great! We'd love to have you
start tomorrow, if you're free.Copy !req
70. Sure, let me just
check my schedule.Copy !req
71. Hmm, I guess I could
just get the mail at night.Copy !req
72. Wow, Quagfest is a bigger deal
than I thought.Copy !req
73. Oh, look, here's a simulationCopy !req
74. of what it's like to have sex
with Quagmire.Copy !req
75. Hi.Copy !req
76. Bye!Copy !req
77. All right, kids,
now pay attention, all right?Copy !req
78. These are all of Quagmire's
women organized by country.Copy !req
79. There's Brazil.Copy !req
80. There's Italy.Copy !req
81. And there's Thailand. Wow.Copy !req
82. Wow, they're young.
We should go.Copy !req
83. I'd like to thank you all
for coming to Quagfest.Copy !req
84. Now, no celebration
of my 1,000th would be completeCopy !req
85. without first meeting
number one.Copy !req
86. Here she is, all the way from
Weathersfield Elementary School,Copy !req
87. Miss Eleanor!Copy !req
88. Do I still get
a piece of candy after?Copy !req
89. Nice lady.Copy !req
90. All right, we've met number one.Copy !req
91. Now let's meet number 1,000!Copy !req
92. Ladies and gentlemen,
my 1,000th sexual conquest is...Copy !req
93. this largemouth bass!Copy !req
94. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
95. I'm weird.Copy !req
96. I thought I was here
to watch normal intercourseCopy !req
97. on a residential street.Copy !req
98. Children, we're leaving!Copy !req
99. Oh, this'll be so funCopy !req
100. volunteering in
your class, Stewie.Copy !req
101. Eat my button,
you whore.Copy !req
102. Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad you're here.Copy !req
103. I got to run out
to the parking lot.Copy !req
104. I'm buying cigarettes
from some guy on Craigslist.Copy !req
105. Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.Copy !req
106. Oh, Landon,
what's the matter?Copy !req
107. Aw, did you spill juice
on yourself, sweetheart?Copy !req
108. "Sweetheart"? Slow your roll
there, Cougar Town.Copy !req
109. Well, let's get you cleaned up.
And you know what?Copy !req
110. For today,
you can be my little helper.Copy !req
111. What the hell? If anyone should
be her helper, it should be me.Copy !req
112. She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.Copy !req
113. Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.Copy !req
114. Well, Tonto, the bad guys
are going to jail.Copy !req
115. Looks like this little town
is safe again.Copy !req
116. Yes, Kemosabe.Copy !req
117. So, uh, what do you say?Copy !req
118. Want to grab a drink,
maybe dinner?Copy !req
119. Sorry. Me no like to
hang with work people.Copy !req
120. Well, I got to hand
it to you, Quagmire.Copy !req
121. That Quagfest
was some party.Copy !req
122. Yeah, except I got molested
in the House of MirrorsCopy !req
123. by either one man
or 100 identical men.Copy !req
124. Could've used a
heads-up on that one.Copy !req
125. Yeah, I'll tell you who might
want a heads-up: Liam Neeson.Copy !req
126. Oh, for God's sake!Copy !req
127. 'Cause someday,
I'm gonna kick his ass.Copy !req
128. Damn it, Peter,
I'm sick of this!Copy !req
129. I've had it!
Me, too.Copy !req
130. I mean, we just had a
great day of fun and ridesCopy !req
131. and finger-sniffing,
and all you can talk aboutCopy !req
132. is fighting some guy
you've never even met!Copy !req
133. Yeah, he's lucky
we've never met.Copy !req
134. I'd knock his teeth
down his throatCopy !req
135. and out his stupid
Irish fudge knot.Copy !req
136. You know what?
You're full of it.Copy !req
137. If you were ever face-to-face
with Liam Neeson,Copy !req
138. you'd crap your pants.Copy !req
139. No, I wouldn't.Copy !req
140. Well, fine.
Let's prove it.Copy !req
141. Put up or shut up.
Right now.Copy !req
142. What? What are
you talking about?Copy !req
143. Well, we know where
Liam Neeson is.Copy !req
144. That's right! He's shooting
a movie in Connecticut!Copy !req
145. We could be there
in three hours.Copy !req
146. All right, great.Copy !req
147. Liam Neeson has three more hours
to live.Copy !req
148. Let's do this.Copy !req
149. All right!
Yeah!Copy !req
150. I've never been
to Connecticut!Copy !req
151. Hang on, fellas.Copy !req
152. I actually have been
to Connecticut one time.Copy !req
153. To meet Loretta
at a McDonald's parking lotCopy !req
154. to pick up my son,
Cleveland, Jr.Copy !req
155. I cried in my sedan,
in front of my boy.Copy !req
156. It was sad.
That's why I fibbed on it.Copy !req
157. I'm sorry.
Can we do a happy yell againCopy !req
158. to get the taste out
of my mouth? All right!Copy !req
159. Yeah!
Yeah!
I've been to Connecticut!Copy !req
160. All right, Peter,
Liam Neeson must beCopy !req
161. on the other side
of that barrier.Copy !req
162. We just got to get you on that
set, so you can kick his ass.Copy !req
163. We're so close, I can
almost taste his ass.Copy !req
164. Can I help you?Copy !req
165. Hello, sir.
We're here to see Liam Neeson,Copy !req
166. the guy who wears the same
long jacket in all his movies.Copy !req
167. Sorry, this is
a closed set.Copy !req
168. Peter, you're never gonna
get close enough to Liam NeesonCopy !req
169. to throw a punch
at the guy.Copy !req
170. That's why I got to lure
him out here to come to me.Copy !req
171. Remember, Liam
Neeson's Irish.Copy !req
172. That's why I'm dressing
up as the one womanCopy !req
173. no Irishman can resist:
Mrs. Potato Head.Copy !req
174. Ooh, Mrs. Potato Head here!Copy !req
175. Any Irish actors around
who might be interested in me?Copy !req
176. You're damn right, darlin'.Copy !req
177. Colin Farrell?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
178. Shoo! Shoo! Get away!Copy !req
179. Oh-ho, you're
a feisty potato.Copy !req
180. The back is all
mashed potatoes now.Copy !req
181. Okay, guys, there's no better
way to draw out an IrishmanCopy !req
182. than setting up
a confession booth.Copy !req
183. Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.Copy !req
184. It has been one day
since my last confession.Copy !req
185. Go on, my son.Copy !req
186. I killed
200 wolves.Copy !req
187. After the movie,
I got the taste for it.Copy !req
188. Did you kill them quickly?Copy !req
189. No. Wolves
must be tortured.Copy !req
190. The best way to kill wolves
is to kill their leader,Copy !req
191. wear his skin, kiss some of
the wolves, then kill them.Copy !req
192. I also steal small
items from 7-Eleven.Copy !req
193. SweeTarts, Jolly
Ranchers, and the like.Copy !req
194. Sometimes
a lighter.Copy !req
195. I don't
even smoke.Copy !req
196. Sometimes I roll up
those tattoo magazines,Copy !req
197. stuff 'em
up my sleeve.Copy !req
198. If I get caught, I just
tell the man I forgot.Copy !req
199. Then, of course, it's
back to murdering wolves.Copy !req
200. All right.
Uh, that'll be, uh...Copy !req
201. three Hail Marys.Copy !req
202. Tough but fair.Copy !req
203. Thank you, Father.Copy !req
204. Uh, hey, not so fast!Copy !req
205. Excuse me, sir. We were sent
here by the production.Copy !req
206. Are you the guy who's been
looking for Liam Neeson?Copy !req
207. I am.
Do you mind if
we ask what for?Copy !req
208. Yeah, I was hopin'
to inflict violence upon him.Copy !req
209. All right,
you're coming with us.Copy !req
210. Don't worry, Peter!Copy !req
211. We'll raise your bail money
as soon as we can!Copy !req
212. Uh, excuse me, sir.Copy !req
213. My phone's not working.Copy !req
214. Do you mind if I follow
you home and use yours?Copy !req
215. All right, kids,Copy !req
216. Miss Tammy's in her car
yelling at her boyfriendCopy !req
217. on the phone again, so it
looks like I'm doing lunch.Copy !req
218. Okay, Landon,
time to sabotage youCopy !req
219. with the most dangerous thing
in the world for a toddler:Copy !req
220. a whole, uncut grape.Copy !req
221. God, look how fat
kids are getting.Copy !req
222. Oh, Landon, no!Copy !req
223. Uh-uh, you could
choke on that!Copy !req
224. Did your mommy forget to
slice your grapes for you?Copy !req
225. Here, let me help.Copy !req
226. Ugh, there's nothing
to cut these with.Copy !req
227. Oh, that's it, Landon!Copy !req
228. If you're gonna
seduce my mother,Copy !req
229. then I shall seduce yours.Copy !req
230. I'll be as irresistible to her
as wood is to a woodchuck.Copy !req
231. Mom, Dad, I've done
a lot of thinking,Copy !req
232. and I've decided I don't want
to go into the family business.Copy !req
233. I want to be
a doctor.Copy !req
234. Hmm. Let's try that on
for size.Copy !req
235. How much disease could
a woodchuck doctor cureCopy !req
236. if a woodchuck doctor
could cure disease?Copy !req
237. Is that sounding right to you?Copy !req
238. No.Copy !req
239. Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Dad?Copy !req
240. Next time, if you have an idea,Copy !req
241. run it through the test
before you embarrass yourself.Copy !req
242. Wake up, Griffin.Copy !req
243. Your bail's been posted.Copy !req
244. What time is it?Copy !req
245. I did.Copy !req
246. Oh, sorry. I thought you were
gonna ask something else.Copy !req
247. Liam Neeson?
You posted my bail?Copy !req
248. That's right. I hear
you've been all over townCopy !req
249. saying you could kick my arse.Copy !req
250. Well, there's no time
like the present.Copy !req
251. Go ahead, take...
your best... shot.Copy !req
252. Oh, no, no, no,
Mr. Neeson,Copy !req
253. you heard wrong.Copy !req
254. There's nobody who
respects you more than I do.Copy !req
255. May I offer you the most
sincere, honest apology I...?Copy !req
256. Ha, ha!Copy !req
257. Ow! Ah, damn it!Copy !req
258. My hands are stinging
from the vibrations!Copy !req
259. My turn.Copy !req
260. Aah!Copy !req
261. Will Liam Neeson punch Peter?Copy !req
262. Will Stewie stop being jealous
of his mom or something?Copy !req
263. Stay tuned for the thrilling
conclusion of this story,Copy !req
264. and the just-regular conclusion
of the other story.Copy !req
265. Oh, please don't hurt me!Copy !req
266. I was just trying to seem
tough in front of my friends!Copy !req
267. Well, you're in trouble
now, lad.Copy !req
268. I've been a world-famous
tough guy since I was 55.Copy !req
269. Please, please,
I'll do anything!Copy !req
270. Anything you want,
just don't kill me!Copy !req
271. What could you possibly
do for me?Copy !req
272. I'll-I'll-I'll
shine your shoes,Copy !req
273. or scrub your toilets!Copy !req
274. Or coil your penis!Copy !req
275. The Internet tells
me that's somethingCopy !req
276. you might have
a need for.Copy !req
277. Hmm... well, that could save me
some time in the morning.Copy !req
278. Whatever it takes for
you to not beat me up.Copy !req
279. All right, it's a deal.Copy !req
280. You can help me
with some chores.Copy !req
281. But one slip-up,
and you'll be deaderCopy !req
282. than the first man to die
in the Battle of the Boyne.Copy !req
283. Normally when we do those,
there's-there's, like, a joke.Copy !req
284. I'm not your clown.Copy !req
285. All right, Landon,
let's see how you like itCopy !req
286. when someone moves in
on your territory.Copy !req
287. Let's just say your mom's about
to see a diaper rashy scrotum.Copy !req
288. Wow, I didn't know Landon
had a younger sister.Copy !req
289. Oh, hi. Aren't you a cutie.Copy !req
290. Oh, my God,
this is gonna happen.Copy !req
291. Okay, go run along
with your teacher.Copy !req
292. Time for me to go.Copy !req
293. W-Wait, wait,
don't leave!Copy !req
294. Ow! My knee!Copy !req
295. Oh, sweetie,
did you get a boo-boo?Copy !req
296. Here, let me kiss it
and make it better.Copy !req
297. Okay, that's
more like it.Copy !req
298. Oh, I certainly hope no one sees
Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.Copy !req
299. Yeah, get in there.Copy !req
300. Damn it, she's
not watching.Copy !req
301. You keep going, though.Copy !req
302. Don't forget about the
underneath part of my knee.Copy !req
303. Okay, Peter, I've got
a list of chores here.Copy !req
304. Um, first, I've been summoned
to be a potential juror,Copy !req
305. but I don't want to go,Copy !req
306. so I need you to report
in my name.Copy !req
307. Prospective juror number 17,
the defendant is a kraken.Copy !req
308. Would you have any problem
convicting a kraken?Copy !req
309. Um, I would try to be fair,
but, uh, I am on record,Copy !req
310. you know, very famously,
as having released a kraken.Copy !req
311. Your Honor, we'd like to thank
and excuse juror number 17.Copy !req
312. Hey, man, thanks.Copy !req
313. Yeah, good luck, man.Copy !req
314. Okay, I have another
important job for you.Copy !req
315. I want you to take
over my Twitter feedCopy !req
316. and tweet back
to my fans.Copy !req
317. See? Like that.Copy !req
318. You get the gist of
what my Twitter is about.Copy !req
319. Peter, I was
at an outdoor mall today,Copy !req
320. and there was a kiosk selling
little remote control cars.Copy !req
321. One of them drove
right up to me.Copy !req
322. It was very funny and enjoyable,
so what I need you to do isCopy !req
323. to go to a local gym and ask men
to pee in your hands.Copy !req
324. I-I don't see the
connection there.Copy !req
325. Do I need
to repeat myself?Copy !req
326. The car came
right up to me.Copy !req
327. It... it did spins
and had flashing lights.Copy !req
328. I enjoyed it.Copy !req
329. Go to the gym,
kneel down in the shower,Copy !req
330. and ask strange men
to pee in your cupped hands.Copy !req
331. Hey, man, did Liam
Neeson send you?Copy !req
332. Yeah, he loves
them little cars.Copy !req
333. All right, guys, how are
we doing on Peter's bail money?Copy !req
334. I got my whole family
praying on it.Copy !req
335. Well, that's
very helpful.Copy !req
336. How about you, Joe?Copy !req
337. Oh, Bonnie won't let me
spend any more money on PeterCopy !req
338. because he's not
very nice to me.Copy !req
339. Hey, guys.
What the hell?Copy !req
340. You're out of jail!
How'd you get out?Copy !req
341. With my smooth
talki... ta...Copy !req
342. My... I used...
I... My... word...Copy !req
343. My... I words...
I used words.Copy !req
344. Wow. Glad you're back.Copy !req
345. So, you ready to admitCopy !req
346. you're never gonna kick
Liam Neeson's ass?Copy !req
347. It just so happens,
Joe, that I already did.Copy !req
348. You what?Copy !req
349. If you beat up
Liam Neeson,Copy !req
350. how come it wasn't
in the papers?Copy !req
351. Oh, you know, he's a big star.Copy !req
352. He had the whole thing
covered up.Copy !req
353. Everybody knows Irish Catholics
control the media.Copy !req
354. Oop, uh, oh, Chris
was shot at school.Copy !req
355. If it's not
one thing, it's another.Copy !req
356. You know what?
I-I've thought about it.Copy !req
357. Do what you want
with Landon.Copy !req
358. Just don't do it
in front of me, all right?Copy !req
359. Oh, hi, Landon.Copy !req
360. How are you today, cutie?Copy !req
361. Aah! What did I
just tell you?Copy !req
362. I hate this! I hate you!Copy !req
363. I hate everything!Copy !req
364. Oh, Stewie, you're upset.Copy !req
365. Are... are you jealous?Copy !req
366. Yes! You've destroyed us!Copy !req
367. Were you at least safe?Copy !req
368. Oh, don't worry, sweetie.Copy !req
369. You'll always be
my favorite little boy.Copy !req
370. I will?Copy !req
371. And besides, my week
as a helper mommy is done now,Copy !req
372. so when you come home today,
you'll have me all to yourself.Copy !req
373. Oh. Ok... Okay.Copy !req
374. Hey, you-you hear that,
Landon?Copy !req
375. That's how you keep
your bitch in line.Copy !req
376. So, you know, Jar Jar
wasn't there the whole time.Copy !req
377. It was just a
green screen.Copy !req
378. Yes, I heard you
say that earlier.Copy !req
379. Peter?Copy !req
380. Quagmire? Cleveland?Copy !req
381. And me.
I'm here, too.Copy !req
382. You're wh...?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
383. Well, you were acting weird,
so we followed you.Copy !req
384. We want to know
what's going on.Copy !req
385. Well, h-how'd you
guys get on the set?Copy !req
386. I bit the security guard
in the nards.Copy !req
387. I don't like to do it a lot,
but you're my friend, Peter.Copy !req
388. Who are these
two idiots?Copy !req
389. Three.
Three idiots.Copy !req
390. Big fan.Copy !req
391. And what's up
with Liam Neeson?Copy !req
392. You said
you kicked his ass.Copy !req
393. Look, you guys, I...Copy !req
394. I lied about that.Copy !req
395. What?Copy !req
396. I acted like such a big man,Copy !req
397. and I didn't want to admit
I was a coward.Copy !req
398. I was too scared
to fight Liam Neeson.Copy !req
399. That's why he's
my big fat houseboy now.Copy !req
400. Now, Peter,
I'm out of crackers,Copy !req
401. and I'm gluten-free,Copy !req
402. so what I need you to
do is go to a local gymCopy !req
403. and ask men to
pee in your hands.Copy !req
404. What the hell?Copy !req
405. Come on, what are you
waiting for, Griffin?Copy !req
406. No, Liam, I'm not doing
your stupid chores anymore.Copy !req
407. And there's something else
I got to tell you.Copy !req
408. Your story thread
in Love, ActuallyCopy !req
409. is the second worst.Copy !req
410. You better take that back.Copy !req
411. No way your son would learn the
drums in that amount of time.Copy !req
412. Oh, that tears it!Copy !req
413. Aah!Copy !req
414. Who's winning?Copy !req
415. Aah!Copy !req
416. Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
417. I'm off to get a free
movie set haircut.Copy !req
418. Damn it!Copy !req
419. I was stupid to think I
could beat up Liam Neeson.Copy !req
420. You guys must
think I'm pathetic.Copy !req
421. Are you kidding?
You took on the star of Kinsey!Copy !req
422. Yeah, and more
importantly,Copy !req
423. you followed through
on your drunken ravings.Copy !req
424. Wow. I guess
you're right.Copy !req
425. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
426. You know, I guess
the lesson here is,Copy !req
427. Oskar Schindler
wasn't real.Copy !req
428. And neither was
anything in that movie.Copy !req
429. I-I-I don't think
that's the lesson.Copy !req
430. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req