1. We now return to
D.J. Deejay Butcher.
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2. Hey, bro!
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3. Hey! You requesting a song or
ordering some sliced meat?
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4. Meat! Half a pound
of turkey, please.
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5. You want a sample?
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6. You mean like
a slice of turkey,
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7. or like a short section
of one musical recording
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8. that's been digitally repurposed
to be part of a new song?
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9. I don't know.
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10. I might quit this job.
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11. God, late-night TV
is all terrible.
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12. Oh, we don't have
to watch this.
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13. We could turn to channel 875
and watch Conan.
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14. Here, let me see
what else is on.
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15. In honor of Sammy,
on the bus ride over here,
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16. we all sat in the back.
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17. Lucille Ball was
back there with us,
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18. and I saw her smoking a Cuban.
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19. Then Desi zipped up his fly.
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20. Whose wedding is this?
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21. It's hilarious.
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22. Peter, it's not a wedding,
it's an infomercial
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23. for The Dean Martin
Celebrity Roasts.
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24. Wait, you mean Comedy Central
didn't invent those?
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25. No.
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26. Well, what about funny news?
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27. Did they invent that?
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28. N-Not really.
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29. But they invented comedy.
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30. They didn't
invent anything.
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31. Well, they centralized it,
that we know.
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32. Man, look at these people.
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33. They don't breathe.
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34. They just drink
and smoke and laugh.
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35. I want to do that.
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36. What are you
talking about?
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37. You want to
have a roast?
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38. Yeah! Look, he's the man
of the hour.
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39. Everybody loves him.
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40. They got his picture
in a circle.
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41. How do they do that?
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42. Pictures come in squares.
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43. Hey, Cleveland,
how tall are you?
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44. I don't know.
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45. Cadillac come up
to about here on me.
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46. All right, so I guess I am
the tallest one of us.
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47. What are you talking
about? I'm six-two.
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48. Says so right here on
my driver's license.
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49. Yeah, that-that
doesn't count.
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50. Why not?
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51. You're gonna
make me say it?
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52. Lay me out
on the floor.
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53. I'm six-two.
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54. Hey, you guys.
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55. Peter, how tall am I?
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56. I don't know,
how tall is a mailbox?
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57. You're about
a mailbox.
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58. But listen, I-I want
you guys to roast me.
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59. What, you mean
like they do on TV?
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60. That's right, I want to be
the man of the hour.
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61. And I want all my pals
to give me a good ribbing.
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62. Can we work blue,
like Marlin Johnson?
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63. Oh, you know
it, homey!
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64. Huh, all right,
that could be fun.
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65. Great. And you fellas
shouldn't pull any punches.
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66. Just let me have it.
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67. Nothing is off-limits.
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68. Geez, Peter,
you're more excited
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69. than Adrian Peterson
at an arboretum.
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70. Daddy, what kind
of tree is that?
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71. Man, I want to beat you
with so many things around here.
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72. Ladies and gentlemen
and people who have wandered in
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73. from the Chinese wedding
next door,
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74. welcome to the roast
of Peter Griffin,
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75. with your roast master
Glenn Quagmire.
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76. Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.
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77. Joe, I'd tell you
to take your seat,
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78. but I'd be
about 15 years too late.
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79. Ha! And we're off.
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80. Well, what can I say about the
man of the hour, Peter Griffin?
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81. Oh, boy, here
it comes.
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82. Well, first off,
Peter's always been special.
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83. In high school,
he didn't play sports,
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84. but he did wear a helmet.
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85. All right, that's kind of funny.
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86. Tough, but fair.
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87. You know, Peter, I love
your chin, but I got to ask.
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88. What's it like
going through life
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89. with a scrotum
so close to your mouth?
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90. You know what, hold on.
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91. I'll just ask
your teenage daughter.
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92. That... that's inappropriate.
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93. You know, Peter's
challenging the stereotype
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94. of Irish guys being fat,
drunk and stupid
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95. by throwing "a little gay"
in there, too.
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96. Oh, nice, homophobia.
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97. But I got to say, the worst part
of being Peter's friend is
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98. knowing that eventually
you're gonna have to be
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99. the fat-ass's pallbearer.
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100. Lift with the legs,
right fellas?
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101. P-People think I'm fat?
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102. But seriously, everyone, let's
have a big round of applause
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103. for the real hero tonight:
Peter's chair.
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104. How you
holding up, buddy?
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105. Two chair jokes
in the same monologue.
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106. Sloppy.
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107. Peter's got a small penis,
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108. but, hey, nothing
grows in the shade.
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109. This just in...
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110. is what Peter had to say to
his wife on their wedding night
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111. so she knew it was
actually happening.
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112. Peter's so ugly,
he couldn't get raped
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113. in our holding cell
down at the station.
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114. For those of you who don't know,
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115. we have a real serious problem
with people getting raped
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116. in our holding cell
down at the station.
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117. Hi, I'm Professor Comedy.
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118. No!
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119. Peter, you're loud,
you can't hold down a job,
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120. and you got high blood pressure.
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121. You could be a black guy if your
ding-a-ling wasn't so damn tiny.
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122. How does everyone know?
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123. Peter moves his lips
while he's reading,
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124. 'cause he's trying
to eat the book.
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125. Roasted!
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126. You know, as Lois's father,
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127. I hate the thought of her
having sex with Peter.
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128. And so do I!
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129. Damn it, Lois, you stepped
on my punch line!
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130. Shut up! You're drunk!
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131. Stop serving her!
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132. I asked Peter
what he got on his S.A.T.s.
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133. He said, "Mayonnaise."
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134. Peter's so fat and stupid,
Lamar Odom tried to bang him.
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135. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
now that we've had our fun,
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136. it's time to give our man of the
hour a chance to have his say.
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137. Please put your hands together
for Peter Griffin!
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138. Okay, yeah,
I got something to say.
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139. Screw all you guys!
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140. I hope you all eat turds
and die!
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141. None of you bastards
are my friends no more!
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142. Brian was the
worst one.
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143. Family, I have
an announcement to make.
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144. Peter, we're eating.
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145. Just tell us what color it was
and be done with it.
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146. On account of my buddies
all being nasty sons of bitches,
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147. I've decided I'm gonna
find new friends.
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148. Oh, come on, you're
overreacting.
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149. The roast was
your idea.
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150. You asked them to
make fun of you.
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151. Yeah, but I thought
they'd stick to material
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152. about how I'm too handsome
to work at a brewery,
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153. or-or how I have tiny
little baby sneezes.
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154. I'm sure it was all
meant in good fun.
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155. Yeah, it was supposed to be fun,
but it was humiliating.
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156. I felt like
a premature volcano.
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157. I just think you're a
really cool island,
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158. and I'd like to
get to know...
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159. Oh, God!
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160. Oh, I'm so sorry.
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161. I am so sorry—
you're just so pretty.
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162. Please, don't tell
the other islands.
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163. I've been thinking.
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164. Maybe I got to find friends who
can't make fun of my appearance
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165. 'cause they're
weird-looking themselves.
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166. Like those two bearded dwarves
walking across the street there.
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167. Hey, will you bearded
dwarves be friends with me?
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168. We, sir, are
Italian children.
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169. Good day.
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170. Thanks for hanging out
with me.
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171. I never thought of my kids'
principal as being a friend.
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172. Well, "pal" is right
there in the name, Peter.
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173. Yeah.
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174. Hey, it's cool you got
the keys to the school,
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175. and we can hang out
when no one else is here.
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176. What should we do?
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177. Oh, I got a few ideas.
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178. Wow, I've never drank
so much milk in my life.
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179. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
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180. What other ideas you got?
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181. How about this second
fridge of milk?
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182. Uh, how much milk
do you drink?
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183. I just drink milk until
somebody stops me.
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184. I don't know.
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185. Maybe I'm just not meant
to find a new group of friends.
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186. Well, Peter, you're always
welcome to hang out with me.
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187. Yeah, but I'm talking
about the kind of friend
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188. that doesn't bark at horses
when I'm watching a movie.
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189. Fine, fine, you want to get
trampled in your living room?
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190. Be my guest.
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191. It's just...
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192. I don't know, I-I don't seem
to fit in anywhere.
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193. All right, I'm gonna
go get some more coffee
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194. and maybe a gross
microwaved sandwich.
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195. Excuse me.
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196. Can I please have
another no-foam latte?
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197. Uh, yeah, sure.
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198. But, you know,
I don't work here.
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199. Oh, I'm sorry.
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200. You look just like
one of the baristas.
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201. He doesn't look
that much like me.
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202. I think she meant me.
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203. Oh. Oh, yeah.
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204. I could see that.
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205. Hey, we should make out.
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206. You got it, mister.
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207. Double-foam, am I right?
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208. You're funny.
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209. Yeah. Oh, my God,
you're so twisted.
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210. I'm Jamie, and this is
Becca and Karen.
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211. You want to join us?
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212. Sure.
Great.
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213. We were just debating
if Jamie should hook up
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214. with this guy she met
a few nights ago.
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215. Okay, I want the deets,
like, yesterday.
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216. Wh-What the hell?
Did I just say that?
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217. You sure did.
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218. You're a natural
at this.
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219. Wh-What is "this"?
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220. It's what we do!
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221. Wow, you know,
I know I just met you guys,
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222. but I've kind of been looking
for a new group of friends.
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223. D-Do you maybe have room
for one more?
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224. Are you good at talking
about how busy you are?
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225. Because that's a lot
of what this is.
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226. Ugh, yeah, but don't talk
to me about anything
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227. until I've had
my morning coffee,
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228. 'cause it's like
I can't even deal.
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229. Well, I think I speak
for all of us when I say
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230. we'd love to have you in
our group of girlfriends.
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231. Oh, my God,
that's awesome!
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232. Hey, can I be the one
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233. who laugh-screams
really loud at restaurants?
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234. As long as you're
picking up the check.
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235. Oh, we're gonna ruin
so many people's evenings!
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236. Oh, boy, I'm blending
right in with you gals.
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237. Like a panda bear
on a bed full of pillows.
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238. I'm hiding from the zoo.
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239. They want me to have a baby.
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240. I don't want to have a baby!
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241. Hey, isn't it funny
that you guys came over
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242. for a dinner party,
and all we're doing is
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243. standing in the
kitchen, drinking wine?
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244. All our
toothbrushes were
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245. in that one woman's
glass this morning.
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246. Girls, it is so nice to
be part of a group again.
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247. And I'm having
the best time.
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248. Especially yesterday when
we all got mammograms.
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249. If I have cancer,
we're all going to Brazil.
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250. So what's for dinner?
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251. You said we were
having Italian?
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252. Yeah, and then I
realized I'm not good
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253. at making
fettuccine Alfredo,
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254. but I am good at
making reservations.
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255. Do you get it?
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256. Oh, God, I'm so bad.
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257. Stewie, it's time
for your bath.
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258. Oh, what's
going on in here?
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259. Oh, hey, Lois.
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260. Hey, these are
my new friends:
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261. Jamie, Karen
and Becca.
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262. Karen's the one
with the mommy blog,
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263. so if you think you know her
from somewhere, that's where.
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264. Oh, nice to meet
you all.
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265. Would you like to
join us for dinner?
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266. Oh, no, I don't want
to get in the way.
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267. Besides, I got to get
this little man in the tub.
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268. Great. Now they're all
picturing my wiener.
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269. Oh, thank God.
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270. For a second, I thought
she was gonna come with us.
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271. What?
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272. Seriously, Peter,
how do you live with her?
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273. I know, that voice.
Ugh.
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274. And what is that hair color?
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275. Creamy French Dressing?
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276. Oh, I love it.
I love it.
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277. Yeah. Yeah.
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278. Hey, if you think that's funny,
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279. she once had a miscarriage
outside a Petco.
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280. I still have the security
camera footage somewhere.
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281. Peter, I'm your conscience,
Jiminy Cricket.
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282. Ah! Bug!
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283. Andrea, y-you set a place
for Jiminy again.
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284. Oh... so I did.
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285. Why?
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286. Why did he have to go around
telling strangers what to do?
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287. Wasn't being a pediatric
oncologist enough for him?
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288. He hit on me
at your wedding.
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289. Ah, let's see, what else?
What else? What else?
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290. Oh, I-I got one.
I got one.
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291. Lois tried to give CPR to
a kid at a wedding once,
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292. and when she knelt down,
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293. she accidentally high-heeled
her own stink hole.
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294. Peter, your wife
is such a pig.
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295. Oh, I don't know
about that, Jamie.
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296. Pigs eat slop,
Lois only cooks it.
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297. What the hell?
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298. Peter, can I speak
with you for a second?
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299. Oh, hang on, guys,
I got to talk to my dog.
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300. What the hell
are you doing?
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301. I'm just gabbing
with the girls.
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302. You know our cycles
have lined up?
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303. Mine's from wiping too hard.
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304. You're saying horrible things
about Lois.
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305. Oh, yeah,
it cracks up the ladies.
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306. Yesterday, Karen laughed so hard
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307. she popped a button
on her jeans.
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308. And then she cried.
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309. Peter, Lois
is your wife.
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310. You should be
defending her,
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311. not talking trash and
gossiping behind her back
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312. like some kind of
Midwestern teenager.
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313. Did you gals hear
about Ally Gallagher?
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314. She let Alan Ackerman
smack her in the back
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315. with his tallywhacker
behind the snack shack.
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316. What?
Nobody here
in Maryland
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317. understands a single
word you're saying.
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318. You should move
back to Minnesota.
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319. I can't go back.
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320. I Snapchatted
Matt Gackerack
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321. a Kodak of my ass crack.
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322. Hey, Lois?
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323. I did something bad
I need to tell you about.
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324. Peter, I know.
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325. You used some of my magazines
for your fake ransom notes.
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326. It's okay.
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327. No, no, no, no,
that's not it.
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328. But did you put the ice
cream where the guy said?
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329. Because he will
hurt your family.
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330. Look, the thing is,
me and my new girlfriends,
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331. we've kind of been
talking trash about you
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332. and laughing
behind your back.
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333. Peter, of course
your new friends
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334. have been talking crap about me.
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335. That's what women do.
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336. What?
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337. So... you're not mad?
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338. Well, I'm not thrilled,
but I understand what it's like
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339. to be friends with women.
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340. I'm sure they talk trash
about you behind your back.
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341. They most
certainly do not!
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342. I guarantee you that
as soon as you leave the room,
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343. they tear you to shreds.
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344. That's not true.
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345. If it was, I would've
figured it out.
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346. Just like I figured out who was
stealing my lunch at work.
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347. Next time there's a sandwich
in the fridge
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348. with somebody's name on it,
don't eat it, scumbag!
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349. Please, you don't understand!
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350. Oh, I understand.
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351. That lunch didn't
have your name on it,
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352. but this bullet does.
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353. My name is Peter, too...!
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354. Ugh, have you guys seen
the new Jessica Biel movie?
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355. I-I don't get
what men see in her.
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356. Um, her dumper?
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357. I just think she's
really plain-looking.
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358. She kind of annoys me.
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359. You know who's really beautiful?
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360. Joan Allen.
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361. Yes!
Uh, stunning.
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362. Yeah, uh... I-I think, um...
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363. Um, I'm maybe gonna
go use the restroom
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364. and let you guys talk about
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365. whatever you're gonna
talk about.
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366. Huh, I guess Peter made
it to the bathroom,
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367. 'cause I can't feel
him walking anymore.
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368. I know.
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369. "Fee-fi-fo-fum!"
Right?
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370. And what about
those drugstore glasses?
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371. These aren't drugstore glasses,
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372. they came from
a doctor Halloween costume.
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373. Lois was right.
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374. They are making fun of me
behind my back.
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375. They're like a nasty wolf pack.
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376. Hey, man,
just a heads-up:
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377. instead of howling
at the moon tonight,
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378. we're all gonna yell
"cock-a-doodle-doo!"
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379. Really?
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380. That seems weird.
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381. I'm just trying to make sure
you don't look silly.
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382. Cock-a-doodle-doo!
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383. What an idiot!
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384. He actually believed me!
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385. That's what a rooster says,
not a wolf!
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386. Hi, Daddy!
How was howling at the moon?
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387. Shut up!
Why aren't you asleep?
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388. Why isn't he asleep?
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389. Leave him alone!
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390. Have you been
drinking again, Phil?
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391. That's none of
your business!
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392. I never wanted a cub!
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393. Get out!
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394. Get out now
and don't ever come back!
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395. Hey, buddy,
want to get high?
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396. Oh, my God. Phil?
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397. Hey... Robert.
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398. Wow.
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399. Ah, hey,
listen, man...
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400. Cock-a-doodle-doo!
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401. "Cock-a-doodle-doo"
is a passion project
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402. I'd been mulling over for years,
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403. and when Family Guy gave me
the opportunity to shoot it,
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404. I knew there was only one actor
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405. who could portray
Phil the Wolf: Glenn Quagmire.
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406. Peter gave me a beer that tasted
funny, and when I woke up,
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407. I was wearing lipstick
and a wolf suit.
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408. Lois, you were right.
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409. Those women
were talking about me.
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410. Oh, dear.
What did they say?
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411. I don't even remember,
there was such a long cutaway,
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412. but I know it was really mean.
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413. Oh, I'm so
sorry, Peter.
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414. So what do I do now?
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415. Confront them face-to-face
and explain why I'm angry?
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416. Of course not.
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417. Being friends with women is
way more complex than that.
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418. You need to be more
underhanded and vicious.
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419. You and I will get revenge
on those bitches lady-style.
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420. Really?
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421. We'll-we'll do it together?
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422. Yeah, it'll be fun.
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423. Like when we watched
Battlestar Galactica together.
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424. Now, which Cylon is that?
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425. Ah, I-I don't know.
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426. I think it's Number Six.
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427. Wait, I-is that
the same Number Six
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428. that had sex with Dr. Baltar?
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429. I don't... I've been...
I've been watching this
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430. the same exact amount
of time you have, Lois.
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431. I don't know
anything you don't.
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432. Ooh, what does that green button
on the far panel do?
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433. How in God's name
would I know that?
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434. I don't know!
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435. It's green, so it probably
makes something go.
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436. Hello?
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437. Peter, where are you?
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438. I thought we were gonna
go after Becca.
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439. Way ahead of you, Lois.
I just cut her brakes.
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440. What?
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441. Don't you think
that's a little dangerous?
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442. Hey, you're the one who said we
should try to ruin her marriage.
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443. She bangs up her car,
her husband's gonna be furious.
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444. What was that?
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445. Oh, I-I just ran a red light.
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446. My car won't slow down
for some reason.
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447. Anyway, this is
gonna be awesome.
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448. Geez, I'm going, like, 95.
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449. Peter, are you sure
you didn't cut your brakes?
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450. That's ridiculous.
Why would I cut my own...
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451. Kids, get out of the way!
I can't stop!
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452. All right, Peter,
next is Jamie.
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453. Now, what's the most
important thing in her life?
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454. Oh, that's easy.
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455. Her daughter Emily
is a competitive diver.
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456. The whole family's dream
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457. is that she gets a spot
on the U.S. Olympic Team.
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458. Okay, so get a lead pipe and
bust this girl's kneecaps.
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459. No, no, no, Lois.
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460. That's not how
we're gonna do this.
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461. That's how we're
gonna do this.
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462. Okay, next is Karen.
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463. Now, she's been planning her
daughter's wedding for a year.
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464. If it doesn't go perfectly,
she'll be crushed.
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465. Already on it, Lois.
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466. I bribed one of
the busboys.
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467. He has a little surprise
planned for her.
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468. Oh, my God!
Somebody stabbed the groom!
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469. Oh, no,
it's not a perfect day.
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470. Well, we got those
bitches good, huh, Peter?
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471. Yeah, thanks, Lois.
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472. And you were right.
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473. Being friends with women
is way too complicated
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474. and way too
intense for me.
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475. Now let me just pay the busboy
and we can get out of here.
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476. Ah! I knew he didn't
understand the plan!
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477. Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Peter.
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478. Look, I-I'm real sorry
I got so worked up at my roast.
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479. And if you're willing,
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480. I'd like to be friends
with you guys again.
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481. Because men might
punch you in the gut
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482. and call you a fat idiot,
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483. but at least they do it
to your face and own it.
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484. You were mad at us?
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485. Yeah, we ain't spoke
in a week.
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486. I thought you were out of town.
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487. People come, people go.
I didn't give no mind.
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488. So we're-we're
friends again?
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489. We were never not friends,
you idiot.
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490. I love you guys.
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491. Guys are the best.
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492. Not women.
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493. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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