Family Guy 12x7

Directed by Brian Iles

Nick Kroll as Ricky (voice) • Conan O'Brien as Conan O'Brien (voice) • Tony Sirico as Vinny (voice) • Carrie Fisher as Angela (voice)

When Peter and Quagmire discover that their singing voices create beautiful harmony together, they form a singing/songwriting team, in the vein of Simon and Garfunkel. However, tensions run high when fame gets to Peter’s head.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. We now return to Muppet Babies.

2. Piggy, I don't think Kermie Jr. is doing so well.

3. Kill me! I'm in constant pain!

4. Oh, hey, Quagmire.

5. Hey, Peter, do you mind if I hang out here a while?

6. I accidentally made eye contact

7. with a transvestite at a bar, and he followed me home.

8. You knew what you were staring at!

9. Get out of here, you mess! You were far away!

10. I didn't know what you were!

11. You know you want me! Shut up! Now go home!

12. Nobody saw me come here!

13. I said, shut up!

14. Sneak around back.

15. Oh, sure. Come on in, Quagmire.

16. Oh, you don't have to take your shoes off.

17. Our house sucks.

18. So, Quagmire, if you're some kind of big ladies' man,

19. how come I never see you wearing a necklace?

20. I, uh... that's not really my thing.

21. I'll get you one.

22. Please don't.

23. Hey, come on!

24. The guy wants to get you a necklace,

25. let him get you a necklace!

26. Ah! Ah! There's a bee in here!

27. Can you take it up here...?

28. Wow, we sound amazing together!

29. I know! That was incredible!

30. You know, we should do something with this.

31. Yeah, maybe we could open up a mattress store.

32. Or we could try singing.

33. Yeah, singing, that's good!

34. Wow, finally, something in my life

35. that makes me feel special.

36. I mean, except for when I had those cow udders.

37. So, as you can see, the fiscal projections

38. for the fourth quarter make this thing a slam dunk.

39. Any questions?

40. Not about my cow udders.

41. All right, then, looks like we got ourselves a deal.

42. This is cause for celebration.

43. I don't care, I'm not driving.

44. Okay, what do you got for a lyric?

45. "I put a booger on a painting at the museum."

46. Is that... is that anything?

47. Maybe, maybe.

48. All right, I got one.

49. How about this?

50. There you go! Now we're jazzin'.

51. Guys, I'm trying to do something up here

52. that works better if I don't hear men singing!

53. Oh, damn, we're out of paper.

54. Oh, we'll get some more down at Mort's.

55. But, Quagmire, we are on fire here!

56. We're gonna be the best thing since sliced bread!

57. I'd like a sandwich, but I don't feel like eating

58. two whole loaves of bread.

59. Tough!

60. Hey, do you mind paying for this?

61. I don't have any cash.

62. Sure, I'll just put it on my credit card.

63. I'm never gonna pay it back anyway.

64. Or this Boba Fett!

65. What is that sound?

66. It's like two Mandy Patinkins walked into my store!

67. Was that you guys singing?

68. Yeah.

69. That was beautiful. And it must be original,

70. because I know every song about money,

71. and I've never heard that one before.

72. Well, it was based on actual events.

73. Although, I-I don't have as cavalier an attitude

74. toward my debt as the song suggests.

75. I'm-I'm actually up most nights

76. with severe panic attacks.

77. I-I've taken to throwing up in the yard

78. so my wife won't hear me.

79. Well, you guys have got something special

80. with those harmonies.

81. They could give me five years salary, tax free,

82. and it wouldn't put a dent in my problem.

83. You really think we're good?

84. Oh, yeah.

85. And I should know.

86. Back in the 1970s,

87. I used to have my own record label, Mort Town.

88. I managed all the hottest disco acts.

89. I even managed Earth, Wind, Fire & Pollen

90. for a little while, but I had to give it up.

91. Oh! September is the worst month for pollen!

92. I had it all.

93. But it soon all came to a very ugly end.

94. How come?

95. I got addicted to olives. They were everywhere.

96. It was so easy to get your hands on them.

97. By 1975, the olives had control.

98. It was awful.

99. I lost weight,

100. my hair straightened, even my voice changed.

101. I didn't recognize the man I saw in the mirror.

102. What has happened to you, Mort Goldman?

103. You've hit rock bottom.

104. I'm lucky to be alive today.

105. Anyway, you guys got the talent,

106. but what you need is a manager.

107. Someone with no talent

108. who can take a lion's share of your earnings.

109. You'd do that for us?

110. Sure I would. So, what do you say?

111. Can I be your manager?

112. You betcha! All right!

113. Put her there!

114. No, I've seen your prescriptions.

115. Let's just say we're doing it.

116. Well, Mort, I hope I can trust you.

117. I've been lied to before.

118. Well, I'm off to work. Bye, guys! Love you!

119. Love you, too!

120. Bye! Love you! Love you, Pop!

121. He bought it!

122. What an idiot!

123. I hate him so much I'm shaking!

124. All right, fellas, open mic at the library.

125. Your first gig. Go get 'em!

126. Hey, do I have time to get a drink at the water fountain

127. where the water does not crest above the dispenser?

128. Sure.

129. I can taste the previous person's cough.

130. Fellow cardholders,

131. please put your hands together for Griffin and Quagmire!

132. Excuse me, I just want

133. to grab one of those newspapers.

134. Just grab one and go!

135. I'm looking for a job, okay?

136. Aw, everybody left.

137. Well, this was a waste of time.

138. I could have gone hiking with the girls.

139. We don't hike.

140. We just wear tight pants and get coffee.

141. Well, I guess no one cares about our music.

142. I thought we were pretty good.

143. Yeah, I've seen worse performances.

144. I was walking home around 8:15 p.m. to my car.

145. It was very dark, and then I-I heard the footsteps...

146. Boo! Get to the sex!

147. Guys, I got great news!

148. Oh, what is it, Mort?

149. I put your performance on JewTube.

150. The promoters of the New England Music Festival saw it,

151. and they want to book you!

152. What? Are you kidding me?

153. Oh, my God, you hear that, Quagmire?

154. We're on our way!

155. We got to celebrate like girls in their 20s!

156. Oh, my God, we are so random!

157. You got booked at the New England Music Festival?

158. Oh, my God, Peter, that's amazing!

159. I had no idea you and Quagmire could even sing!

160. Now let this be a lesson to you kids.

161. If you randomly stumble upon an amazing talent,

162. and then someone important sees it by wild coincidence,

163. great things can happen without any hard work.

164. I'm gonna go jump off the roof and see if I can fly!

165. That's it, Chris, pursue your dream!

166. A singer, huh? You as good as the guys

167. who sing "Happy Birthday" at Macaroni Grill?

168. Oh, don't compare me...

169. Look, they been doing it for years.

170. Imagine, my Peter, the big singing star!

171. Don't forget about us squares back at home.

172. Don't you worry, Lois.

173. No one has stronger marriages

174. and more well-adjusted kids than rock stars.

175. It's working!

176. What you doing with that doll?

177. Oh, hello, Vinny.

178. Rupert and I are just having a spritzer and some cheese

179. in advance of the performance.

180. I wouldn't do that. Why not?

181. You know, there was a guy

182. on my old block, Johnny Chickstuff.

183. We called him that because he used to like to, uh...

184. Do chick stuff?

185. Do chick stuff! Exactly.

186. Anyway, a bunch of us got together

187. and beat him with a grill lid and windshield wipers,

188. and let's just say, uh, he don't do chick stuff no more.

189. 'Cause of the beatin's?

190. Yeah. He wasn't exactly like us,

191. so we had to almost kill him.

192. That sounds terrible. What happened to him?

193. I don't know. Soon thereafter,

194. a girl in the neighborhood married a black guy,

195. so we all kind of turned our attention to that.

196. Look at us, Quagmire.

197. We're making music, living the dream.

198. And to think, just last week,

199. my only creative outlet was picking hockey fights at work.

200. Griffin, I need these shipping reports

201. filled out by 5:00 today.

202. Hey, Peter, I just wanted to wish you good luck.

203. Oh, that's great. Thank you so much.

204. What's your name, honey?

205. It's me, Lois.

206. All right, backstage whore,

207. here's the key to my hotel room.

208. You can flush the dump I left in there. What?

209. Ladies and gentlemen,

210. please welcome Griffin and Quagmire!

211. Peter, we're on!

212. He's talking Pop-Tarts!

213. Everybody come along with us!

214. Pop-Tart! ♪ If you haven't

215. Pop-Tart!

216. With butter?

217. Hey, you guys were great.

218. Aw, thanks. My name's Ricky.

219. I'm with Sony Records.

220. Our company's gonna be around for at least three more weeks,

221. and we want to sign you.

222. I'll need to discuss this with my associate.

223. I don't know, it-it seems wrong to just dump Mort.

224. He's our friend. Doesn't that matter?

225. Quagmire, you remember I told you about that dream I drew?

226. Yeah? We're halfway there.

227. I think if we do this, we'll get the giraffe.

228. Okay, okay, I'm in.

229. You got a deal.

230. Great! I'm gonna get you on tour.

231. This is the beginning of something big.

232. Great news, guys!

233. I may have gotten you booked at a horse's birthday party.

234. Mort, you're fired. What?

235. Sorry, Mort, but this is a cutthroat business.

236. And we need someone tough in our corner.

237. Like Indonesian kickboxer Agoos Bahnwati.

238. Come on. Come on.

239. Come on, come on.

240. Disappear, disappear.

241. Come on. Come on.

242. Peter, I heard you fired Mort.

243. He's your friend.

244. He's the one that got you to where you are today.

245. Lois, my transcendent talent got me to where I am.

246. Peter, I don't like what success is doing to you.

247. Yeah, well, I don't like what time is doing to you.

248. Droop, droop...

249. Hey, Chris, you ready with my luggage?

250. Luggage? For what?

251. We're going on tour, Lois.

252. Here you go, Dad.

253. I emptied this out so it'd be easier to carry.

254. Oh, you're right, it is easier.

255. Good thinking, son.

256. All right, see you guys in two months.

257. Peter, you can't go away for two months now.

258. You'll miss Thanksgiving.

259. I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to choose

260. between music and family.

261. If I choose family,

262. does it have to be this family?

263. Yes, Peter, this family.

264. So make your choice.

265. Very well, this scavenger hunt

266. will provide you with my answer.

267. Here it is— a penny from 1858!

268. We're getting closer to our answer.

269. Wake up, Mom! He chose the music!

270. You know, Quagmire,

271. I feel kind of bad leaving the family like this

272. with Thanksgiving coming up.

273. I mean, if I'm not there, who's gonna carve the turkey?

274. I don't understand!

275. Okay, Mr. Griffin.

276. Now you've got your flu shot.

277. Will you stop giving him flu shots, man?

278. We got a show to do!

279. Ah, Quagmire, it's cool, it's cool.

280. This is the doctor that killed Michael Jackson.

281. Yesterday, I learned the difference

282. between a train and a boat.

283. I wrote this song before that.

284. Ladies and gentlemen,

285. the All-Five-Foot-One Black Albino Choir!

286. Hold it, hold it. Stop the tape!

287. You gonna fart in this airtight booth all night?

288. It wasn't me.

289. We're the only two people in here!

290. Hey, Bobby, can you play back Peter's track?

291. ♪ This waitress

292. Ah! Thank God.

293. Come on, guys, you've been bickering all ni...

294. Oh, God!

295. We got the album covers that Peter approved.

296. Wait, wait, Peter,

297. you approved these without consulting me?

298. Don't worry, they're great.

299. I can be giggity.

300. I can be goo.

301. I can be giggity.

302. I can be goo.

303. Hey, Quagmire, wake up. I got us twins.

304. Peter, those are guys.

305. Hell, yeah, the Winklevoss twins.

306. They have good ideas we can steal.

307. Peter, quit screwing around!

308. We're about to go on national television.

309. Now, please welcome our very special musical guests,

310. Griffin and Quagmire.

311. Wait, Quagmire, you got something on your face.

312. Aah! Damn it, Peter, that was my eyebrow!

313. Let's not make a scene.

314. We're on TV.

315. Come on, you. Get out of there.

316. My pick's in here.

317. Come on!

318. Come... Uhp, uhp, it just skipped right over the strings!

319. Yup, there it goes again.

320. I saw it! I totally saw it!

321. All right, that's it!

322. We're done! Do you hear me? I quit!

323. Hey, y-your makeup lady was crying earlier.

324. Wh-What was that about?

325. This is my time.

326. Don't ever talk to me

327. during my time!

328. Well, kids, happy Thanksgiving.

329. I wish Dad was here.

330. Meg, could you zip up your fly?

331. Th-That's kind of wafting over here.

332. ♪ I can't poop

333. Peter? Dad?

334. Oh, boy.

335. Larry, you got to get out of here.

336. It's been a great two months!

337. Meg, keep painting!

338. Peter, what are you doing here?

339. Me and Quagmire kind of had a falling out.

340. And after that, I-I realized I...

341. Meg, can you please stop

342. stuffing your face for two seconds?

343. Look, I'm sorry for being a jerk,

344. and letting a little fame go to my head.

345. I just hope you guys can forgive me.

346. Oh, Peter.

347. I missed you so much.

348. Oh, we missed you, too.

349. But I understand.

350. You had to go chase your dream.

351. And a part of me is glad you did.

352. But now I'm just happy that you're home.

353. Welcome home, Dad!

354. So, did you get a lot of trim on the road, Dad?

355. Chris, that's inappropriate.

356. Hey, you got room for another?

357. Quagmire?

358. I thought you were still out on the road.

359. I was, but then I thought,

360. what was Simon without Garfunkel?

361. Wildly successful?

362. Yeah, but all that success would mean nothing

363. if I lost my best friend.

364. Do you... do you think you can forgive me?

365. Oh, Quagmire.

366. Well, I'm glad to have you back home for Thanksgiving, Peter.

367. And I'm glad to be here.

368. 'Cause everyone knows that life after being famous

369. is even better than it was before.

370. Let me just grab my stuff off the bus.

371. Everybody come along with us!

372. Pop-Tart!

373. Pop-Tart!