1. Hey guys, can I share
something with you?Copy !req
2. Sure.
Yeah. Go ahead.Copy !req
3. Well, you know how I don't ever
brag about my sexual exploits.Copy !req
4. That would be an
accurate statement, yes.Copy !req
5. Well, last night,
Bonnie and I got really kinky.Copy !req
6. She painted my toenails.Copy !req
7. Wha...?
You serious?Copy !req
8. Check it out.Copy !req
9. What the hell is that?Copy !req
10. Nail polish.Copy !req
11. No. The foot.Copy !req
12. It's a child's foot, Joe.Copy !req
13. Wha... I-I don't... you-you were
crippled when you were an adult.Copy !req
14. How the hell did...?
Yeah.Copy !req
15. A few months back,
I got really drunkCopy !req
16. and was playing around
with an elastic band.Copy !req
17. I wrapped it around my thigh
and forgot about itCopy !req
18. for a week or two and uh, yeah,
so, that's my left foot now.Copy !req
19. I mean,
it still works the same.Copy !req
20. Oh, yeah, sure.Copy !req
21. Still a foot, I guess.Copy !req
22. Whassup?Copy !req
23. Oh, hey, Cleveland.
Hi.Copy !req
24. Wait, don't you have
a show to do?Copy !req
25. Oh... That's right.Copy !req
26. All right.
I knew this was coming.Copy !req
27. Everybody give me
your best shot.Copy !req
28. Oh, my God.
Where do I even begin?Copy !req
29. You know,
it's not a good signCopy !req
30. that this is
the first timeCopy !req
31. a lot of people
are realizingCopy !req
32. you had a show.Copy !req
33. Your logo was stupid.Copy !req
34. It looked like
a big, purple penisCopy !req
35. and your ratings blew.Copy !req
36. We did about the same
as Bob's Burgers.Copy !req
37. That's your bar!Copy !req
38. Oh, shame on you!Copy !req
39. This is good.
This is constructive.Copy !req
40. The talking bear
was so bad,Copy !req
41. Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him
after season two.Copy !req
42. It's hard to make
a talking bear funny.Copy !req
43. It worked out
okay in movie form.Copy !req
44. What was supposed to be
the show's audience?Copy !req
45. Who did you make it for?Copy !req
46. Like, some black guyCopy !req
47. who's never met
another black guy?Copy !req
48. Anything else?
Yeah.Copy !req
49. Here's four seasons worth of
DVDs of what we've been up to.Copy !req
50. You know, just so you're
back up the speed.Copy !req
51. And I'll warn you ahead of time:
these have jokes in them.Copy !req
52. I...Copy !req
53. I don't have
a DVD player.Copy !req
54. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.Copy !req
55. Sorry, Mort.
I-I hate to do this.Copy !req
56. What... What's happening?Copy !req
57. They want me in the line.Copy !req
58. Well, where do I go?Copy !req
59. Home?Copy !req
60. Okay, but I still
get paid for today, right?Copy !req
61. I... I wouldn't know.Copy !req
62. You need to talk to Marla.Copy !req
63. Sorry.Copy !req
64. You okay?Copy !req
65. What do you care?Copy !req
66. It'll be nice
having ClevelandCopy !req
67. back across
the street.Copy !req
68. Why?Copy !req
69. I think a lot of times
you only say thingsCopy !req
70. because they make
you sound good.Copy !req
71. You know, Cleveland,
it must be weirdCopy !req
72. for you guys to move and
not 'cause of a hurricane.Copy !req
73. Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad to seeCopy !req
74. Peter and Cleveland
back together again.Copy !req
75. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
76. Now Peter will have
something to doCopy !req
77. besides flushing
the toiletCopy !req
78. to Foghat's
"Slow Ride."Copy !req
79. Peter, what are you
doing in there?Copy !req
80. Nothin'.Copy !req
81. Peter, you're wasting
tons of water!Copy !req
82. It's not a waste!Copy !req
83. And we need a faster toilet.Copy !req
84. 'Sup, man?Copy !req
85. Yeah, yeah, "sup."Copy !req
86. Keep walkin', you
Boondocks rip-off.Copy !req
87. Home, sweet...Copy !req
88. Huh?Copy !req
89. This house is a
disastrous area!Copy !req
90. I can't move my
family in here.Copy !req
91. You're right.Copy !req
92. Well, we'll all have
to do our part.Copy !req
93. I'll take little
cocoa butter here.Copy !req
94. What the hell
happened?Copy !req
95. Well, a lot of people
rented your house.Copy !req
96. Uh, Ryan Reynolds,Copy !req
97. Chevy Chase
and Dan Aykroyd...Copy !req
98. For a while, it
was an orphanageCopy !req
99. where the children
sang desolate songs.Copy !req
100. Shut up,
you bastards!Copy !req
101. I really appreciate y'allCopy !req
102. helpin' me fix up my house.Copy !req
103. Yeah, no problem,
Cleveland.Copy !req
104. Hey, where do you
want me to putCopy !req
105. all these giraffe
figurines?Copy !req
106. Just spread 'em out.Copy !req
107. Don't make any one
room too giraffey.Copy !req
108. Cleveland, where should
I hang the mirror?Copy !req
109. Right about here?Copy !req
110. Maybe a
little higher.Copy !req
111. Oh, like, uh,
up here?Copy !req
112. I think
maybe higher.Copy !req
113. You don't want
it too high, now.Copy !req
114. Let's get you a
different job, Joe.Copy !req
115. Are you sure?Copy !req
116. 'Cause I already hung
all these paintings.Copy !req
117. This place is shaping up
real nice.Copy !req
118. Hey, Cleveland,
what's that?Copy !req
119. Oh, this is
my bead door.Copy !req
120. It looks stupid.Copy !req
121. Why don't you walk
through it?Copy !req
122. How do you feel?Copy !req
123. Awesome!Copy !req
124. Like a suitcase
comin' out of the airport.Copy !req
125. Yeah, or
like a bugCopy !req
126. walkin' through
Stevie Wonder's hair.Copy !req
127. Turns out this old house is
lacking in storage space,Copy !req
128. so I gotta make some
tough decisions.Copy !req
129. You gonna keep
these neckties?Copy !req
130. Yeah, throw 'em
in my car.Copy !req
131. They're just to keep
my trunk closedCopy !req
132. what if I'm ever
haulin' garbage.Copy !req
133. I ain't no lawyer.Copy !req
134. I use whatever
for my purposes.Copy !req
135. Could be a box spring.Copy !req
136. Could be a
old radio.Copy !req
137. Could be a more
recent radio...Copy !req
138. Wait, now
I'm confused.Copy !req
139. So... so some of this
stuff isn't trash?Copy !req
140. Like this
old computer monitor?Copy !req
141. Nah, that's a
sittin' chair,Copy !req
142. what for children.Copy !req
143. How about this telephone cord?Copy !req
144. That's a pet leash.Copy !req
145. If the good Lord decideth
we should have one.Copy !req
146. I'm gonna go
ahead and ditchCopy !req
147. these promotional
McDonald's cups
from the 80's.Copy !req
148. Nah, that's all
we drink from.Copy !req
149. That's the Riddler
right there.Copy !req
150. He would make inquiries
to set your mind a-jumble.Copy !req
151. How do you live in a
house with all this junk?Copy !req
152. I'd rather stay in a
house with small kids.Copy !req
153. So you can sleep
on the couch.Copy !req
154. Uh, please take
the potty seat
off the toilet,Copy !req
155. don't try to
pee through it.Copy !req
156. There's juice boxes
in the fridgeCopy !req
157. and if you get hungry,
there's plenty of
Goldfish in the couch.Copy !req
158. Um, feel free to watch
TV with the sound off.Copy !req
159. And the kids
will be down hereCopy !req
160. first thing in the morning
to antagonize the dogs.Copy !req
161. Oh, and everyone
here has pinkeye.Copy !req
162. "... And that was the moment
I stopped being Dwayne JohnsonCopy !req
163. and started being The Rock."Copy !req
164. That's a good place
to leave off.Copy !req
165. Hey, I just realized.Copy !req
166. We're The Rock!Copy !req
167. What do you mean?Copy !req
168. Together, you and ICopy !req
169. make one biracial
wrestler.Copy !req
170. Do you have any
folding chairs?Copy !req
171. No.Copy !req
172. That's all right.
I'll use this.Copy !req
173. Folding chair!Copy !req
174. Ow!Copy !req
175. What was that?Copy !req
176. That was my
great-grandma's vase!Copy !req
177. On the drive up
from Virginia,Copy !req
178. she kept that vase
'tween her legs.Copy !req
179. W-What are you doing?Copy !req
180. Making sure you
learn your lesson.Copy !req
181. Ow! It hurts!Copy !req
182. It hurts!Copy !req
183. I can't believe Japanese menCopy !req
184. pay good money for this.Copy !req
185. At work, I am
important businessman.Copy !req
186. Here, I am bad boy!Copy !req
187. We now return toCopy !req
188. The Gay Bachelor.Copy !req
189. Ew, they're
all gross!Copy !req
190. I'm keeping
the roses.Copy !req
191. Mom!
Mrs. Brown spanked me!Copy !req
192. What?Copy !req
193. And you still haven't
pulled up your pants?Copy !req
194. Chris, what
happened?Copy !req
195. I was playing with Rallo
and I broke a vaseCopy !req
196. and then she gave me
a spanking!Copy !req
197. Uh, I believe the term
is "whuppin'", Chris.Copy !req
198. God, look at the size
of that handprint.Copy !req
199. It's like Doctor J.Copy !req
200. Peter, this
is serious!Copy !req
201. A woman hit
our child!Copy !req
202. What is wrong
with her?Copy !req
203. Whoa, can I get
some white breadCopy !req
204. on that judgmental
sandwich?Copy !req
205. Brian, why are you
bringing race into this?Copy !req
206. Lois, I've
spent my lifeCopy !req
207. trying to keep
race out of things.Copy !req
208. That's why whenever
I walk into Lids,Copy !req
209. every guy
fist-bumps me.Copy !req
210. Oh, you're
full of crap, Brian.Copy !req
211. I'm just saying,
Lois, some of usCopy !req
212. go through life
without seeing color.Copy !req
213. That's because you're
color blind, Brian.Copy !req
214. You're right.Copy !req
215. I am color blind.Copy !req
216. Here...Copy !req
217. and here.Copy !req
218. Hey, remember when you
swallowed that rib-eye boneCopy !req
219. and you couldn't
poop it out?Copy !req
220. And then you
pushed real hardCopy !req
221. and the poo came through
the rib eye hole?Copy !req
222. Peter, we gotta go
over there and
talk to Donna.Copy !req
223. All right, but you need
to cool down first, Lois.Copy !req
224. Find a way
to channel your anger.Copy !req
225. What I do is throw
a shot put into a crowdCopy !req
226. and make it look
like an accident.Copy !req
227. I forgot to make it
look like an accident.Copy !req
228. That woman
is gonna be sorryCopy !req
229. she laid her hands
on our son.Copy !req
230. Hello.Copy !req
231. Hi, j-just
so you know,Copy !req
232. this is sort of
Lois's thing.Copy !req
233. I-I'm not really
upset about it.Copy !req
234. So... go
ahead, dear.Copy !req
235. Donna, what gives youCopy !req
236. the right to
spank my child?Copy !req
237. It always smells like
the same meal over here.Copy !req
238. I hit him
for a reason.Copy !req
239. He broke my vase.Copy !req
240. And maybe I wouldn't have
to discipline your childCopy !req
241. if you did
it yourself!Copy !req
242. Oh, please!Copy !req
243. The only thing kids
learn from spankingCopy !req
244. is adults don't have the
patience to teach them.Copy !req
245. Bull honkey.Copy !req
246. What?Copy !req
247. I don't spank,Copy !req
248. and my children are
very well-behaved.Copy !req
249. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
250. Your baby's on
the roof right now.Copy !req
251. Stewie!Copy !req
252. You get down from there
this instant!Copy !req
253. Munch me, bitch!Copy !req
254. Right now, Stewie,
or you're in time-out!Copy !req
255. How many gray pubes
you pluck today,Copy !req
256. you old bag?Copy !req
257. Your time-outs
are a joke.Copy !req
258. You're a
terrible parent.Copy !req
259. I'm a terrible
parent?Copy !req
260. You're a child abuser!Copy !req
261. You know what?Copy !req
262. From now on, I don't
want our familiesCopy !req
263. having anything to do
with each other!Copy !req
264. Well, Cleveland, looks like
these two little alley catsCopy !req
265. have scrapped it out.
I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
266. That includes
you, Peter.Copy !req
267. I don't want you ever
talking to Cleveland again.Copy !req
268. And Cleveland,
I forbid youCopy !req
269. from ever talking
to Peter again!Copy !req
270. Hey, Lois, look!Copy !req
271. I'm smoking!Copy !req
272. You can't control dick!Copy !req
273. I'm a roof baby now!Copy !req
274. So we're
making plansCopy !req
275. for Susie's first
birthday party.Copy !req
276. Oh, that's good bar talk.Copy !req
277. Hey, y'all..Copy !req
278. Oh, oh, uh, sorry,
Peter, I'll...Copy !req
279. I'll get
outta here.Copy !req
280. No, no, no, no,
I'll go.Copy !req
281. I'll go.
It's okay.Copy !req
282. What's goin' on?Copy !req
283. You guys touch
pee-pees or
something?Copy !req
284. I wish.Copy !req
285. No, our wives
got in a big fightCopy !req
286. and banned us from
seeing each other.Copy !req
287. So what if they're in a fight?Copy !req
288. What does that have
to do with you?Copy !req
289. Well, I gotta
live with Donna.Copy !req
290. Uh-oh.
There she is.Copy !req
291. Oh, no!
Peter, quick!Copy !req
292. Change pigments!Copy !req
293. That was close.Copy !req
294. Peter, we can't risk
seeing each other.Copy !req
295. But, Cleveland, you and I are
pals, and I just got you back.Copy !req
296. Well, there might
be one solution.Copy !req
297. We just got to hang out where
there's no chance we'll be seen.Copy !req
298. You know,
keep it a secret.Copy !req
299. Then that's what we'll do.Copy !req
300. 'Cause I can't
lose you again, Cleveland.Copy !req
301. I'm closer to you than
I am to my own right hand.Copy !req
302. Oh, my God,
you like scrambled eggs, too?Copy !req
303. Here, go ahead, have some.Copy !req
304. Whoa, that's a big bite there.Copy !req
305. Slow down, buddy.Copy !req
306. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! He's choking!Copy !req
307. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
308. Thank you... Thank you...Copy !req
309. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
310. Why you thought
it was appropriateCopy !req
311. to show up here, Cheryl,
I have no idea.Copy !req
312. Are you sure this is
the best solution, Peter?Copy !req
313. I just figured a plane
is a safe placeCopy !req
314. where you and I can hang out
and not be seen by our wives.Copy !req
315. Oh, that makes sense.
So, what have you been up to?Copy !req
316. Yup, sorry, Cleveland, I'm gonna
have to cut you off there.Copy !req
317. Whenever I ride on a plane,Copy !req
318. I have to put on my
noise-cancelling head phones.Copy !req
319. Leaves me alone
with nothing but my thoughts.Copy !req
320. But I don't want
to kill all these people!Copy !req
321. I don't care about the
alignment of the dark forces!Copy !req
322. Leave me alone!Copy !req
323. I love my wife Donna.Copy !req
324. I wish she and Peter's wife
got along better.Copy !req
325. That's why
we're on this airplane.Copy !req
326. I'm Cleveland.Copy !req
327. Ah, dang it!Copy !req
328. Do you have any idea how
fast you were going, sir?Copy !req
329. Peter?
Hey, Cleveland, this
is just so we can talkCopy !req
330. without getting spotted
by Lois and Donna.Copy !req
331. I need you to step
out of the car, sir.Copy !req
332. Peter, there's got
to be a better way...Copy !req
333. He's got a knife!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
334. Sorry, Cleveland,
it's got to be authentic.Copy !req
335. Ow! Ow!
Stay down!
Stay down!Copy !req
336. Cleveland, try
to grab my gun.Copy !req
337. Oh, trying to grab
my gun, are you?Copy !req
338. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
339. Hey, rookie, save some for me.Copy !req
340. Wow, the whole
gang's back together.Copy !req
341. Shut up!Copy !req
342. We don't need you
in this town!Copy !req
343. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!Copy !req
344. We don't need you in this town.Copy !req
345. Oh, oh, oh, hi, Lois.Copy !req
346. You were with
Cleveland,
weren't you?Copy !req
347. No!Copy !req
348. Then what were you doing?Copy !req
349. I'm, uh...Copy !req
350. I'm having an affair.Copy !req
351. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
352. It's not ridiculous.Copy !req
353. It's Cybill Shepherd.Copy !req
354. She's attainable
for a guy like me now.Copy !req
355. Peter, enough lies.Copy !req
356. I know you were with Cleveland.Copy !req
357. Until further notice,
you can sleep downstairs.Copy !req
358. Aw, man.Copy !req
359. I wonder how it's going
for Cleveland.Copy !req
360. Cleveland, Get in here!Copy !req
361. And pull your pants down!Copy !req
362. At least turn me over
to my back side!Copy !req
363. We now return toCopy !req
364. "Slightly Too Early Comedy Club
Audience Member."Copy !req
365. Not like when Clinton was
in the White House, huh?Copy !req
366. When Clinton was
in the White House,Copy !req
367. all you needed to vote was
a piece of duct tape and a...Copy !req
368. Yes, yes!Copy !req
369. But things are different
with the Republican majority.Copy !req
370. They're totally in the pocket
of the oil companies.Copy !req
371. I mean, the President
of the United StatesCopy !req
372. might as well be...Copy !req
373. Amen! Why not?Copy !req
374. Why not, right?Copy !req
375. But I guess
it could be worse.Copy !req
376. The other day,
my wife asked meCopy !req
377. if her ass looked fat
in her jeans.Copy !req
378. And I'm like, "Honey..."Copy !req
379. Oh, no!Copy !req
380. Wow. Wow!Copy !req
381. Dad, what are you
doing down here?Copy !req
382. Eh, your mom's making me
sleep on the couchCopy !req
383. 'cause she caught me
hanging out with Cleveland.Copy !req
384. How about you?Copy !req
385. Mom's making me sleep
in the basement.Copy !req
386. Sleeping lower in the house is
a big punishment for her.Copy !req
387. Well, this isn't working.Copy !req
388. I can't keep sneaking aroundCopy !req
389. trying to hang out
with Cleveland.Copy !req
390. Maybe you could figure
out a way to getCopy !req
391. Mom and Mrs. Brown
to be friends.Copy !req
392. Yeah, you know,
I bet I can.Copy !req
393. I mean, I'm the guy who figured
out how much eye contactCopy !req
394. a band should make
during a guitar solo.Copy !req
395. Yeah, we're in sync,
and showing othersCopy !req
396. how much we love the song.Copy !req
397. Okay, okay, time
to turn away now, Vince.Copy !req
398. Come on, we got
a lot of song left!Copy !req
399. Turn away!
Look at something else!Copy !req
400. I'm glad you didn't listen.Copy !req
401. Chris is right.Copy !req
402. I got to do something.Copy !req
403. All right, Cleveland, nothing
bonds women together likeCopy !req
404. having to take care of invalid
husbands in the hospital.Copy !req
405. What?
Don't die!Copy !req
406. Oh, Cleveland,Copy !req
407. I'm gonna hate
those Griffins forever.Copy !req
408. Only my side had airbags.Copy !req
409. Peter, what are we doing here?Copy !req
410. Well, women will
always band togetherCopy !req
411. to stop an offensive art
exhibit from coming to town.Copy !req
412. So I've arranged for all
my photos of baby wienersCopy !req
413. to be put on display.Copy !req
414. Oh, Peter, I'm gonna have
to call the police on this.Copy !req
415. What? Why?Copy !req
416. It's to get our wives
back together!Copy !req
417. Peter, these are
hundreds of naked babiesCopy !req
418. in suggestive situations!Copy !req
419. And they're time-stamped
as far back as 1998,Copy !req
420. which is way before
we had this idea!Copy !req
421. I need help!Copy !req
422. All right, Cleveland, one thing
that always bonds womenCopy !req
423. is healing an abused animal.Copy !req
424. So I got us
an injured bald eagle.Copy !req
425. Somebody put cigarettes out
all over him.Copy !req
426. Peter, that's a symbol
of our country.Copy !req
427. This particular eagle
is a dick.Copy !req
428. Everything out of its mouth
is a taunt.Copy !req
429. Peter, you're
being ridiculous.Copy !req
430. And you need to release
that eagle out into the...Copy !req
431. What'd that eagle say?Copy !req
432. Lock the door.Copy !req
433. Peter, let's just
give Susie her gift,Copy !req
434. eat our cake and leave.Copy !req
435. I don't want to be here
with that Brown family.Copy !req
436. That sounds even more racist
than it is.Copy !req
437. Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you...Copy !req
438. The Great Quagini!Copy !req
439. Hey-ey, everybody!
There's the birthday girl!Copy !req
440. Oh, oh, what's that
behind your ear?Copy !req
441. Oh, it's a condom!Copy !req
442. Quagmire, please stop touching
my baby with a condom.Copy !req
443. And for my next trick,
I'm gonna splitCopy !req
444. my beautiful assistant in half.Copy !req
445. And not the way you think.Copy !req
446. Won't be needing this.Copy !req
447. Okay, time
for the three-legged race.Copy !req
448. Pair up, everyone.Copy !req
449. All right, Peter,
let's do it.Copy !req
450. You're my three-legged
race partner.Copy !req
451. No, Lois, I'm not
gonna be your partner.Copy !req
452. What?Copy !req
453. I'm gonna be partners
with Cleveland.Copy !req
454. Peter, I told you...Copy !req
455. And I'm telling you,
Cleveland and I have wonCopy !req
456. every three-legged race
in Quahog except that timeCopy !req
457. those two one-legged guys formedCopy !req
458. the perfect running person.Copy !req
459. Cleveland, what do you
think you're doing?Copy !req
460. Peter's right.Copy !req
461. We're friends and that's that.Copy !req
462. This whole fight is ridiculous.Copy !req
463. Now, let's go win a
race with no prize.Copy !req
464. On your mark...Copy !req
465. get set... go!Copy !req
466. Did you see that?
My dog had a gun.Copy !req
467. How are we doing?Copy !req
468. Are we beating anyone?Copy !req
469. I waited too long
to pick a partner.Copy !req
470. Oh, my God!
Peter, are you okay?Copy !req
471. I'm down!
I'm down, Cleveland!Copy !req
472. Go on without me!
Save yourself!Copy !req
473. No, I won't leave you.Copy !req
474. We started this race together,
we're gonna finish it together.Copy !req
475. I'm gonna carry you, Peter!Copy !req
476. Oh, my God, Peter.Copy !req
477. I-I can't pick you up.Copy !req
478. How much do you weigh?Copy !req
479. I don't know.Copy !req
480. My car can't go
up hills, though.Copy !req
481. Well, then there's
only one solution.Copy !req
482. Hug and roll!Copy !req
483. Boy, those fools
sure do love each other.Copy !req
484. Yeah, I...
I guess they do.Copy !req
485. You know, Donna, they've
known each otherCopy !req
486. a lot longer than we have.Copy !req
487. That's true.Copy !req
488. And if we're gonna be neighbors,Copy !req
489. we're gonna have to learn to
set aside our differences.Copy !req
490. Friends?Copy !req
491. Friends.Copy !req
492. Mrs. Brown?Copy !req
493. I want you
to spank me again.Copy !req
494. We're gonna win!
We're gonna win!Copy !req
495. Not so fast.Copy !req
496. Damn it!Copy !req
497. You know, Cleveland,
I got to say,Copy !req
498. it's great having the old gang
back together again.Copy !req
499. Well, it's great
being back.Copy !req
500. To Cleveland!Copy !req
501. To Cleveland!Copy !req
502. To Cleveland!Copy !req
503. To me!Copy !req
504. You know,
not a single personCopy !req
505. stopped watching
'cause you left.Copy !req
506. He doesn't have the guts
to say anything back.Copy !req