1. We now return
to VH1's Behind the Music:
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2. Dr. Teeth
and the Electric Mayhem.
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3. It must've been around 1979
when Animal started
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4. snorting crushed-up
pieces of felt.
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5. It got pretty ugly.
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6. Me had big problem
before me found God.
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7. He, like, threw me down
and he said,
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8. "I hope your puppeteer
has big hands,
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9. because I'm not using lube."
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10. Me no remember that,
but me believe it happened.
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11. I got it.
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12. Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire."
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13. But if you squint and imagine
it says "Peter Griffin,"
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14. it says "Peter Griffin."
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15. Peter, it's Quagmire's.
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16. Take it next door.
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17. Now, now, hold on, Lois.
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18. Now, this poses a very
difficult ethical dilemma.
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19. Do I deliver the package
to its rightful owner?
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20. Or do I open it up and see
if it contains He-Mans?
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21. Do not open that box.
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22. You know, Lois,
physicists believe
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23. there are two
alternate universes:
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24. one in which I don't
open the box
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25. and one in which I do.
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26. I'm not gonna open the box.
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27. I'm gonna open the box.
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28. Aw, sweet! It's a whip!
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29. Peter, be careful
with that thing!
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30. Remember, we're renting
this house.
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31. That's depressing.
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32. Wow, I haven't felt
this powerful
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33. since I got to decide which
ant lives and which ant dies.
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34. You shall battle to the death,
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35. and the winner
will be given his freedom.
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36. Why are you looking
at me like that?
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37. Peter, would you like
a glass of...?
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38. Oh, my God!
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39. I told you not to play God
with those ants!
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40. All right, Meg,
stay incredibly still.
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41. I'm gonna whip that cigarette
out of your mouth.
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42. And maybe not slice
your face in half.
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43. Dad, I don't
want to do this.
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44. Stay still!
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45. Aah!
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46. Okay, tha-that's
pretty cool, too.
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47. Hey, Dad, that's
a cool hwhip.
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48. Aah! I thought
you couldn't understand me!
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49. Okay.
Aah!
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50. I'm doing my very best.
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51. Thanks. That was way
too much heat on my neck.
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52. Ooh, a message from Joe.
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53. Hey, Cleveland.
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54. I just wanted
to give you a heads-up
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55. that Peter has a whip,
because, well, you know,
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56. given your racial heritage,
it seems like something
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57. you might want
to keep an eye out for.
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58. Grape soda-gram.
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59. I know this is very risky,
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60. but the upside is so good,
I'm taking it.
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61. We now return
to The Outlaw Josey Wales.
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62. Should we bury them?
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63. Nah, leave them
for the buzzards.
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64. I like that guy.
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65. Oh, boy, here comes Harry.
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66. He thinks no one will notice
he got his neck done.
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67. Hey, fellas, I'm back
from that family wedding.
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68. Hey, what you watching?
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69. The Outlaw Josey Wales.
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70. It's a Western.
Ah.
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71. When do the cowboys
go into the tent,
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72. lick their palms and
have sex with each other?
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73. Different kind of Western.
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74. Ew! What's Clint Eastwood
doing with that Indian chief?
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75. Oh, they're-they're just
becoming blood brothers.
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76. "Blood brothers"?
What the devil is that?
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77. Well, it's an ancient ritual
where two friends
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78. intermingle their blood,
thus sealing a bond
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79. even deeper than friendship.
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80. Yes, yes. Let's do that.
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81. Brian, I want you inside me.
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82. You-you don't have
to say it like that.
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83. Oh, come on, we're
best friends, right?
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84. Stewie, I'm not...
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85. Actually, we're even
more than best friends.
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86. I mean, we share
the same home.
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87. We've been on countless
adventures together.
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88. And, besides, you
owe me, Brian.
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89. Remember what you did to
my last Halloween costume?
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90. I am going to be
the cutest fire hydrant
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91. in the whole... Aah!
What are you doing?
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92. Okay, your turn.
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93. I think we should
hold hands more often.
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94. There you go,
we're blood brothers now.
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95. You happy?
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96. Actually, yes.
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97. I mean, I really
feel the bond, Brian.
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98. I feel like we're closer now.
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99. You know, more connected,
more intertwined.
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100. Yeah, I guess in a way we are.
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101. Hey, are-are you blood
brothers with Meg
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102. because you ate her
tampon out of the trash?
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103. No, tha... no, that's...
that's something else.
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104. Oh, man, I could
use a cold beer.
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105. Yeah, me, too.
I just had a killer rehearsal.
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106. I'm not biting.
Me, neither.
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107. You forget
how many scenes Tevye's in.
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108. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?
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109. That's our booth!
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110. Uh, uh, excuse me.
Hey, fellas.
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111. Uh, hey, listen, this is,
uh, a little awkward,
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112. but, uh, you guys
are sitting in our booth.
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113. Listen here, pencil neck.
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114. This is our booth now,
and we ain't leaving.
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115. So, what are you gonna
do about it, bitch?
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116. Look, dudes, clearly
you don't want to move.
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117. And that's fine.
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118. We'll come back in an hour.
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119. Nice try, wheelie, but this
ain't your booth no more.
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120. That's right, we see you losers
anywhere near this booth,
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121. and we'll bust your kneecaps.
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122. We're willing to take that risk.
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123. Shut up, Joe.
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124. All right,
I was hoping
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125. it wouldn't have
to come to this, but...
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126. you fellas are in big trouble.
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127. If, uh... if you could just
move back like eight feet.
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128. Is that my whip?
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129. Hey!
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130. Is that my Taser?
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131. All right, I'll just strangle
him with this Hawaiian shirt.
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132. Will you stop going
through my mail?
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133. All right, bitches, either
you tuck your little wangs
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134. between your legs and
waddle out of here
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135. or we're gonna beat
the crap out of you.
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136. So, what's it gonna be?
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137. Uh, I think we're gonna
do the wang thing.
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138. What the hell?
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139. Ow!
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140. Ew!
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141. What's this?
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142. You son of a bitch!
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143. You gave me herpes!
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144. What?
What are you talking about?
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145. When we swapped blood!
Look at my lip!
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146. It's a disgusting herpes sore!
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147. And now I have some
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148. very uncomfortable
phone calls to make.
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149. Hola. Handy Manny's
repair shop.
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150. You break it...
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151. We fix it!
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152. Manny? Manny?
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153. I'm gonna need you to take me
off speakerphone for this.
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154. Stewie, that's crazy!
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155. There's no way
I gave you herpes.
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156. Then how do you explain this?
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157. I don't know.
You're a gross slut.
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158. Look, it-it can't be
my fault, Stewie.
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159. I don't even have herpes.
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160. Oh, yeah? Let me see!
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161. Hey, hey, hey! What are
you doing? Stop it!
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162. Ugh! Oh, my God!
Look at you!
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163. You're more herpes
than dog!
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164. Okay, fine! I admit it.
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165. I gave you herpes.
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166. You bastard!
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167. You knew you had herpes,
and-and you still agreed
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168. to swap blood with me!
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169. Relax, it's not
that big a deal.
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170. Not that big a deal?
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171. It's a disgusting,
unsightly, unsavory disease,
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172. and it lasts for life!
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173. Yeah, but, you know, I mean,
isn't the worst thing
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174. about herpes just the stigma?
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175. I mean, like, what if it
wasn't called "herpes"?
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176. Like-like, what if it was
called "boppo," huh?
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177. Oh, I got a little boppo.
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178. Oh, that's cute.
Ah, I want boppo.
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179. You know, my uncle
was in the Army,
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180. and he got genital boppo
from a Saigon whore...
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181. Shut up! Just shut up!
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182. You should be
ashamed of yourself.
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183. I mean, look at me.
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184. And on the same day
I'm supposed to help
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185. with my friend's
wedding invitations.
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186. So, I was thinking, I know
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187. they're kind of
overused lately...
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188. but your colors should be,
like, yellow and gray.
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189. You know, I've always been
against destination weddings,
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190. but it's nice
to finally see Denver.
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191. And now, The History Channel
presents
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192. The Guy who Lived In-Between
the Hatfields and the McCoys.
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193. I'm just going to get my mail.
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194. And I'm not going to ask
who killed my daughter.
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195. It's water under the bridge.
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196. I'm just getting my mail.
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197. Aw, what happened?
I couldn't see.
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198. I have no idea.
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199. The TV is, like,
directly over my head.
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200. All I can see
are the spider veins
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201. of alcoholics wearing shorts.
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202. What?
I said...
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203. Huh?
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204. All I can see is...
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205. What? You can't see what?
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206. I can only see...
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207. What? Damn it, Peter!
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208. Ow!
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209. Joe, what are you
trying to say?
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210. Eh, it doesn't matter.
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211. I just...
I hate sitting at the bar.
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212. I wish we had
our old booth back.
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213. Well, what are we
supposed to do?
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214. Fight those guys?
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215. They would've kicked our asses.
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216. Peter's right.
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217. We just got to accept
the fact that, well,
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218. we're... we're
kind of cowards.
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219. I know.
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220. Yesterday, I even went
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221. to a Cowards Anonymous meeting.
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222. Hello. My name's Cowardly Lion,
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223. and I'm a coward.
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224. I'm afraid of
small dogs,
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225. girls with pigtails,
flying monkeys...
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226. Wait-wait, th-there's...
there's flying monkeys?
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227. That's a thing?
Sure.
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228. They got sharp
fangs, claws...
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229. God, they sound terrifying!
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230. Wait, you think so, too?
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231. Yes, and fear is a logical
response to actual danger.
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232. Huh. I guess you're right.
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233. Hey. I'm the Rational Lion.
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234. So, guys.
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235. Whew, what a morning.
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236. By the time I got done
with my pubes,
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237. I just didn't feel
like shaving anymore.
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238. Hey, Charlotte.
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239. That's very cute, Stewie,
but if I let you dress up
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240. like Héctor Elizondo,
I have to let everyone.
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241. Oh, my God!
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242. Your mouth looks like
the underside of a boat!
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243. Good Lord, nobody wants
to be near me.
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244. This is lonelier
than a Kennedy family reunion.
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245. Where is everybody?
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246. Oh, yeah. They're dead.
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247. All right, flight attendants,
please prepare for crosscheck.
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248. I'm not crosschecking anything.
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249. I heard what happened
to you at The Drunken Clam.
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250. I'm not doing
what you tell me to do.
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251. I'll do what he tells me to do.
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252. I was in the military
for 30 years
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253. back when that
meant something.
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254. I don't deal
with gay people.
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255. See? Him I respect.
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256. Hey, Bonnie,
you want to fool around?
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257. I bought one of those
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258. crippled-guy robot suits
from Avatar,
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259. so now I can be on top.
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260. No, thanks, Joe.
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261. I heard about what
happened at the Clam,
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262. and I'm not interested
in having sex
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263. with a quarter of a man.
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264. Hey, I'm half a man!
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265. Not anymore.
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266. Fine. Well, I'm gonna
go sleep on the couch.
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267. You need something, Joe?
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268. Yes, Elton, I'd like
to sleep on the couch.
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269. All right, Joe. Come on.
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270. Hey, Chris, your mom's
done with the laundry.
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271. Can you help her fold?
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272. No, but you know what?
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273. You put on her bra.
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274. I-I don't want to.
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275. Well, you're gonna.
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276. Everybody heard about what
happened over at the Clam
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277. and how those guys
made you their bitch.
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278. Um, okay.
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279. That's right, you wuss.
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280. In fact,
the way I see it,
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281. I'm the man
of the house now.
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282. Which means
there's gonna be
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283. some big changes
around here.
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284. It's not very
comfortable, Chris.
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285. My back kind of hurts.
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286. I'm just staring up
at the ceiling.
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287. Shut up!
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288. I promised changes,
and I delivered!
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289. We now return
to Bryan Cranston Sneezes.
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290. Thank you.
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291. Um, Rupert?
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292. You know how we promised
never to lie to each other?
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293. Well, I lied earlier tonight.
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294. It's not a burn from
Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
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295. It's herpes.
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296. You should get yourself tested.
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297. Hey, Stewie.
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298. How long have you
been there?
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299. Long enough to know
you have herpes
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300. and do weird stuff
with your teddy bear.
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301. Yeah, he does weird stuff.
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302. I-I just don't stop him.
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303. Yeah, well, I just wanted to
let you know you're not alone.
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304. Oh, yeah? How so?
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305. Good Lord!
You've got herpes, too?
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306. This house is like backstage
at a Whitesnake concert!
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307. Not only that, but I
also got it from Brian.
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308. We're blood brothers, too.
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309. You... you are?
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310. Yup, he knew he had herpes
and he didn't say anything.
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311. Maybe he was mad
I gave him fleas.
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312. I don't know.
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313. That bastard!
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314. Well, we need
to teach him a lesson.
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315. He's a menace.
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316. Like that coked-up giraffe
at Studio 54.
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317. Yup, yup, people are watching.
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318. I'm that good.
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319. Are you Donna Summer?
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320. Why, yes, I am.
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321. I just want to thank you
for helping me reach
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322. a state of cocaine-fueled
1970s euphoria.
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323. Robert Mapplethorpe?
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324. Can I put this fire extinguisher
someplace interesting
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325. and take your picture?
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326. I would love that!
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327. Um, uh, Meg,
can you, um...
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328. can you please
pass the milk?
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329. Shut up, Dad.
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330. Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
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331. I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
What?
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332. She-she's right, Lois.
She's right.
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333. I-I don't need milk.
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334. I'll just moisten
my cereal with spit.
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335. Mmm, mmm, good spit.
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336. Peter, what the
hell is going on?
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337. Please tell me this isn't still
about how you punked out
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338. in front of those
guys at the Clam.
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339. Oh, God, you're angry.
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340. I'll clean the dishes.
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341. Peter, stop it!
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342. Are... are you crying?
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343. No!
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344. Oh, this is insane.
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345. Peter, I want you
to march down to the Clam
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346. right now and get
your booth back.
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347. Oh my God, Lois, you're right.
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348. If they see me crying, they'll
have to give us our booth back.
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349. No! I'm saying you got to go
down there and take it back.
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350. Like a man.
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351. Yeah.
I mean, I mean, yeah!
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352. I am going to the Clam and
I'm getting my booth back.
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353. And, Meg, you're gay.
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354. No, I'm not.
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355. You like guys, right?
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356. Yeah.
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357. Yeah, that's
called being gay.
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358. Hey.
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359. Uh, hey, Kevin.
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360. You, uh... you smell
like a rabbit, buddy.
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361. Did something just
happen with a rabbit?
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362. I'll go get my dad.
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363. Listen, you guys.
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364. I think we're
all suffering
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365. from what happened
down at the Clam.
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366. Yeah, I had to
start taking pills
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367. so I'd stop
thinking about it.
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368. Quagmire, that's a Cialis.
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369. That's right, I'm not
thinking about it anymore.
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370. I'm thinking
about that couch.
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371. Well, I think
we gave up too easy.
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372. We need to march
back down to the Clam
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373. and take back what's ours.
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374. He's right.
We need to sit up to those guys.
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375. No way.
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376. You want to get
yourselves killed,
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377. that's your business,
but I'm not going.
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378. Fine, me and Joe
will go without you.
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379. But just know
you're letting us down.
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380. We're supposed
to stick together.
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381. Like goatee guys
at a barbecue.
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382. Do you mind if I stand next
to you while we eat standing?
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383. No problem.
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384. Hey, let's go grab
some good beer
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385. even though we
brought the bad beer.
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386. And these two barbecue scumbags
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387. formed a lifelong friendship
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388. until their deaths
at the ripe old age of 52
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389. in separate ATV accidents.
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390. You know, I'm so glad
you finally agreed
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391. to go out with me, Jenna.
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392. Me, too. I'm having
a really nice time.
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393. You seem like a great guy.
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394. Yes, thank you, we'll take
the table in the corner,
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395. next to the herpes dog.
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396. Oh, hey, Brian.
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397. And who's your date?
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398. Wow, you must be
such a good person
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399. to knowingly go out with
a herpes-riddled dirtbag.
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400. Ew! I'm sorry, Brian.
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401. I-I've got to go.
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402. Damn it, you guys!
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403. Her dad's really rich!
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404. Wow, you weren't kidding.
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405. Yeah.
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406. Hey, you bums!
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407. If you bastards
want our booth,
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408. you got to go
through us to get it.
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409. Smells like this guy's
already wet himself.
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410. Don't flatter yourself.
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411. That was from this morning.
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412. Oh, man, this is gonna be fun.
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413. Yeah, and there's only
two of you losers.
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414. Where's your skinny friend?
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415. Right here.
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416. Quagmire! You came!
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417. Sure did, Peter.
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418. Thanks for calling me
skinny, by the way.
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419. I realized you
were right.
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420. If we don't stand up
for ourselves now,
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421. we'll regret it
for the rest of our lives.
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422. And this might be the stupidest
thing I've ever done, but...
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423. Oh, now you're gonna get it.
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424. Whelp, I'm out.
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425. Aah!
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426. Hey! That was my pool cue.
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427. I brought it from home.
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428. Oh, sorry.
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429. It screws together.
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430. And I even have
this special little case for it.
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431. I-I feel bad now. I...
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432. Aah!
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433. Hyah!
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434. Hey, that was my
Pawtucket Patriot sign.
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435. I brought it from home.
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436. Okay, now I'm starting
to doubt everything you said.
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437. All right, guys,
I know this looks desperate,
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438. but I've got
this can of spinach.
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439. Aah!
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440. Aw, God, it's all watery.
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441. Aah!
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442. You know, I almost said
"no chairs" at the beginning.
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443. Haven't you guys
had enough?
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444. Why don't you just admit
you're beat and get out of here?
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445. Okay.
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446. No! Never!
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447. We will never stop fighting
for this booth.
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448. This booth is my home.
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449. I was born in this booth.
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450. I was married in this booth.
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451. My children were all conceived
in this booth.
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452. Hell, I witnessed every
significant historical event
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453. in my lifetime right here!
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454. I was in this booth
when the Challenger exploded.
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455. Oh, my God, no!
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456. I was in this booth on 9/11.
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457. Oh, my God, no!
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458. I was in this booth when
President Obama was elected.
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459. Oh, my God, no!
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460. So, if you want this booth,
you're gonna have
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461. to pry it
from my cold, dead hands.
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462. Why are we even bothering
with these idiots?
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463. We're shipping out to
Afghanistan tomorrow.
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464. You guys are soldiers?
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465. It's our
third tour of duty.
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466. If I could touch my own head,
I'd salute you.
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467. With his head,
I salute you.
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468. Everyone,
I declare this to be
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469. These Three Guys Day.
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470. And not
These Three Guys Day.
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471. I can't believe I have
to root for Afghanistan now.
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472. Ah, damn it!
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473. Stewie! Chris!
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474. Yes, Brian?
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475. You hacked my
Facebook account!
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476. Oh, yes, we actually just
changed your profile picture.
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477. Aah! Damn it!
Look, enough, okay?
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478. What the hell do you
guys want from me?
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479. I want to drive
your Prius
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480. to the end of the block
all by myself.
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481. That's it?
Yes.
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482. Okay.
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483. Yay!
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484. That's, uh... that's way past
the end of the block.
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485. Yeah, his room's empty.
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486. I don't think
he's coming back.
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487. Huh.
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488. Well, what about you?
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489. I want to go on a date
with Neve Campbell
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490. so I can give her a
nice ladle of Stew.
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491. What? How am I supposed
to even find her?
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492. Damn it, Stewie, why are you
being so vindictive?
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493. Because, Brian,
for the first time in my life,
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494. I realized I couldn't trust you.
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495. I couldn't trust
my own best friend.
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496. I... I'm sorry, Stewie.
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497. You're right. I let you down.
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498. I guess... I guess
I was just too embarrassed
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499. to admit I had herpes.
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500. It was a rotten thing to do,
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501. and I promise I will
never lie to you again.
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502. Thanks, Brian.
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503. That's all I really wanted.
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504. So, do you forgive me?
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505. Yes. I do.
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506. So, I'm gonna have herpes
for the rest of my life, huh?
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507. Yeah, but most of the time,
it won't even be an issue.
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508. It only really flares up
during periods of great stress.
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509. Like your wedding day
or a big job interview.
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510. So, what would you say some
of your weaknesses are?
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511. That... that-that's
probably one of them.
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