1. The Travel Channel presents,
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2. "Backpacking Through Europe
with a Bowlegged Man
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3. in Short Shorts."
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4. Hello. Come, let's see some
beautiful sites together.
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5. Hello, Tree.
Thank you for shade.
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6. Hello, Mountain Cat.
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7. Thank you for controlling
local rat population.
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8. Hello, Windmill.
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9. Thank you for the cheese ride
and ball cooling.
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10. Next week, bullet trains.
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11. Hello...!
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12. Hey, Dad. Are you busy?
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13. I was thinking we could
spend some time together.
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14. Okay, are you a
television set,
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15. or the Internet?
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16. No.
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17. Oh, then no.
No, thank you.
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18. Are you sure?
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19. Cause there's a
three-day weekend coming up
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20. and I thought maybe you and I
can finally go fishing
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21. like we've been
talking about.
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22. Aw, sorry, Chris, I can't.
I got insanity practice.
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23. Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head!
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24. Voices! Angry fish!
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25. How's he doing?
Not good.
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26. He still thinks this is
"practice" of some sort.
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27. But you promised
we'd go fishing.
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28. Aw, Chris, I was just
lying to you so you'd go away.
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29. But, if you leave me alone now,
I'll give you a billion dollars.
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30. You've got a deal!
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31. Peter, you know,
I-it might help Chris
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32. to be able to spend
some time with his father.
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33. Well, what's in it
for ol' Pete?
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34. He's your son.
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35. Don't you want someone
to bond with.
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36. No. I only form
unspoken bonds.
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37. ♪ Hit me with your best shot
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38. O-Okay.
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39. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
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40. You guys, that was my mom.
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41. She said that
Daddy broke his leg.
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42. How?
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43. A-Apparently, he got hurt
at the mall.
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44. Carter, please stop
doing that.
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45. We need to get you
some new corduroys.
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46. No! None of the other boys
are wearing corduroys!
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47. I want dungarees!
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48. You're going to
get hurt doing that.
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49. No I'm not!
I'm the champ at doing this!
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50. Ow! You jinxed me!
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51. Aw, damn it!
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52. Hey, call that beeping cart
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53. that carries around
the fat black people.
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54. Well, I guess Babs has
her work cut out for her.
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55. Actually, Mom can't take care
of him, she's out of town
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56. doing a photo shoot for the
cover of Veins Magazine.
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57. So, are you gonna go
take care of him, Mom?
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58. I can't go. I've got to go get
my hair very minutely changed
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59. and then spend the next 14 hours
trying to get people to notice.
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60. Well...?
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61. Lois, move.
You're blocking the TV.
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62. What do you think?
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63. I think you're
blocking the TV.
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64. Peter, I-is there anything
you want to say to me?
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65. All right.
Amy at work kissed me.
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66. It itrue
that I did not step away,
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67. but I did not lean in.
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68. However, in my defense,
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69. she had recently gotten
her hair done differently.
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70. I was actually thinking that
maybe you could go help Daddy.
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71. Well, not me, Mom.
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72. Last time I was
at Grandpa's,
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73. I beat him at checkers and he
punched one of my hogans.
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74. Well, what about Chris?
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75. Wai-Wait, where is Chris?
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76. He's upstairs
in his room.
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77. That's odd.
He never misses a meal.
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78. I-I better go check on him.
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79. Yeah, good idea.
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80. I better check on my
hairless twin in the storm shed.
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81. Close the door,
the moonlight burns!
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82. It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
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83. Christmas?
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84. Yes. Keep being good
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85. and all the eggshells and
coffee grounds will be yours.
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86. Can I meet the family?
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87. You've overstepped!
No Christmas!
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88. Hey, Chris. Are you okay?
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89. Holy crap, it smells
like farts in here.
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90. Those are my farts.
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91. Why doesn't Dad ever
want to spend time with me?
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92. Chris, come here.
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93. Sit down.
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94. You know I love you,
right, sweetie?
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95. Mom... not in front
of my posters.
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96. And your father
loves you, too.
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97. He just has trouble
expressing his emotions.
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98. I love Mike & Molly!
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99. I love Mike
and I also love Molly!
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100. And I don't care
who knows it!
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101. You know, Chris,
you've got a grandpa
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102. who could use
your help right now.
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103. I'm sure he'd enjoy
spending time with you.
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104. Okay... I'll give
it a shot.
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105. You're not gonna
kill yourself, are you?
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106. That would be a severe black
mark on my record as a mom.
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107. Oh, I'd have to make up stories
of a severe mental illness.
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108. Make is seem a miracle
you made it this long.
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109. I could do that.
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110. Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.
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111. How you been doin'?
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112. Well, let me tell you,
this is awful.
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113. I-I'm so bored.
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114. I can't sleep,
I-I just have to lie here
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115. and wait for my
stupid leg to heal.
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116. Oh, I'm really
sorry, Grandpa.
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117. And the worst part about it,
is I can't have sex.
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118. God! I wish there was a way
I could just do it myself.
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119. You know, just-just to be done
and napping within four minutes.
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120. Let me show you something.
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121. That... was... amazing!
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122. And Lynda Carter
wasn't actually here?
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123. No! That was just
in your mind.
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124. Incredible!
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125. So-So you can do that like,
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126. wh-what, once a year
or something?
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127. No. You can do it basically
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128. whenever you're not
doing something else.
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129. Cool!
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130. Hey, next time I want to
try it with my hand.
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131. Hey, Grandpa.
What should we do now?
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132. You wanna order a pizza?
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133. Well, that doesn't sound
very exciting.
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134. But now you can
follow your order online!
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135. There it is.
It's on Van Buren!
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136. Oh. Oh. He's almost here!
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137. Wow, he's really fast.
Hey, I got an idea,
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138. let's put in two different
orders and have 'em race!
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139. You think it'll
crash the system?
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140. Only one way to find out.
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141. Here's your pizza.
That's $16.50.
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142. We were playing
a game with you.
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143. That's what you are.
You're a clown.
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144. Are you gonna
pay for the pizza?
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145. Yes. Your money is in
this pile of mashed potatoes.
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146. Eat your way out. No hands.
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147. This is fun, Chris.
I like hanging out with you.
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148. Don't look up.
You're not a part of this.
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149. It's sounding really
good, Grandpa.
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150. I know, I know.
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151. Sorry I'm late.
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152. Look, Jason, are you
taking this seriously?
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153. Because Chris and I
take this seriously.
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154. You know, if you're not
gonna show up to rehearsal,
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155. we'll find someone else
who will, all right?
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156. We want to get
some paying gigs!
Sorry. Geez.
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157. Remember, this is about
writing music that means
something to us!
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158. Okay, from the top.
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159. Hey, can we play
one of my songs?
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160. No! No one wants to hear
your stupid songs about nothing!
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161. Now, let's play
"I Fell in the Shower,
So Maybe We Do Need That Bar."
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162. Five, six,
seven, eight!
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163. Listen, Chris, I really
want to thank you
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164. for coming to take care of me
and helping me get well again.
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165. Oh, it was no big deal.
Well, it is to me,
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166. and I want to give you some
money for all your time.
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167. Come on, y-you don't
have to do that.
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168. I just like getting
to spend time with
my grandpa, you know?
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169. I... Wait, wait, what?
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170. You're... you're not
gonna take the money?
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171. No, I don't want
your money.
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172. I had fun
hanging out with you.
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173. Well, all right, then.
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174. Hey, Grandpa,
check it out.
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175. When I make
my elbow like this,
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176. it looks like
women's private parts!
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177. Oh, Chris!
You just have a way
of looking at things
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178. that's delightfully fresh!
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179. We're not supposed
to be doing this.
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180. I bet we're not supposed
to be doing this.
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181. Daddy!
You're all better!
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182. That's right, pumpkin.
And I have an important
announcement to make.
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183. I have decided
to change my will,
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184. and name
my grandson Chris
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185. the sole heir
to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
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186. You what?
What?
Oh, my!
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187. Oh, no!
My hairless twin got out!
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188. Hello, family.
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189. Let's eat all
the garbage we want.
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190. Daddy, you're seriously leaving
your entire estate to Chris?
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191. I-I mean,
what about Mom?
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192. I promise she'll be dead
before I am. I promise.
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193. But, Grandpa, I don't
even want the money.
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194. See? This is exactly
why you should get it!
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195. So refreshing!
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196. Well, I-I don't
want it, either.
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197. Good, 'cause
you're not getting it.
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198. Come on, what
are you doing?
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199. Listen, Carter, you take
me out of your will,
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200. I'm taking you
out of mine.
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201. Peter, that wasn't your will,
that was your birth certificate.
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202. Oh, no!
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203. There's no light!
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204. There's only fire!
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205. Look, Carter, I suppose
you're entitled to do
what you want,
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206. but, you know, I'm just
saying, if it were me,
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207. I would give all the
money to charity.
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208. Oh, yeah?
Which charity?
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209. Well, there are
just so many
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210. that do such
great work.
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211. Name just one.
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212. Um... well,
you know...
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213. Poor... Green...
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214. Whale... Guns...
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215. Books?
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216. You are
such a fraud.
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217. Why won't anyone help us?
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218. What the hell?
I can't believe your dad's
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219. giving all his cash
to Chris!
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220. I know it's strange,
but in the end
it's his money,
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221. so who really cares?
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222. Well, yeah, but...
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223. But what?
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224. Peter... did you marry
me for my money?
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225. Of course not, Lois,
but even you can't deny
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226. it was always gonna
be a huge perk.
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227. D-Did I use that
right? Perk?
Yes, Peter.
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228. Yeah, I thought so,
but then it just sounded
kind of weird when I said it.
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229. It was fine.
Thanks.
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230. Anyway, I don't
plan on losing out
on any of that money.
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231. So if you ask me, we
got to start sucking up
to Chris right away.
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232. What? Wh-What are
you talking about?
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233. I'm talking about
brownnosing Chris
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234. and getting on
his good side perk.
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235. No, that's wrong.
No "perk."
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236. Okay, my bad.
But I've been counting
on that money, Lois.
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237. It's always been critical
to my master plan.
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238. What master plan?
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239. Look, I never
told you this, but...
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240. for years now, I've been
planning on retiring at 45
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241. so I can work on
finding a cure for
Ballzheimers disease.
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242. Peter, are
those testicles?
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243. Wh-where did
you get those?
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244. I don't remember!
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245. Hey, hey, there he is!
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246. Oh, boy, hot dogs and
Nintendo, huh, Chris?
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247. Dad, what are you doing?
What's going on?
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248. Good one, Chris!
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249. Good one!
Why are you dressed
like that?
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250. I don't know. I-I
just kind of felt
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251. like this is what
cool people wear.
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252. Hey, hey, Chris, how about you
and me do a secret handshake
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253. that has way too many steps
to remember, all right?
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254. Okay. Shake, bump, bump,
slap, pinky hook,
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255. pretend to slick your hair back,
represent, bump,
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256. one spin, slap high, slap low,
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257. reverse spin, bump, explode,
shake, belly rub,
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258. fake yawn, finger gun,
hitchhiker, hitchhiker,
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259. shimmy shimmy sham sham,
shake, shake, shake, bump,
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260. something smells
and shake again.
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261. Okay, ready?
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262. Oh, my God, it's nighttime.
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263. We now return to the director's
cut of Mission: Impossible 5,
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264. with the step stools
not edited out.
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265. You're coming with me because
I'm definitely over six feet,
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266. and you're not handsome.
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267. Hey, Chris, hey,
you remember that kid
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268. you said was bullying
you at school?
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269. Well, here's his head!
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270. That's not even him!
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271. That's the deaf kid!
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272. Oh, that was
sign language.
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273. I thought he was
trying to defend himself
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274. with terrible karate.
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275. Chris, I want to share with you
a timeworn father/son tradition.
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276. I am gonna show you
a film comedy
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277. from my youth
that won't hold up.
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278. Welcome to the classic comedy,
Meatballs.
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279. Oh, that sounds great.
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280. Is it about a pasta
factory or something?
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281. No, that's part of the joke.
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282. Who's the guy?
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283. That's not a guy.
That's the hot chick!
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284. Where are her boobs?
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285. Flat with a decent face
was the best
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286. we could hope for back then.
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287. Miley Cyrus had sex
with a foam finger
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288. at, like, 6:00 p.m.
Central Time.
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289. This movie has a canoe
that slowly sinks.
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290. All right, you know what?
Forget it!
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291. I'm just gonna take my VCR,
my VCR head-cleaning tape,
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292. my VCR head-cleaning spray,
my head-cleaning rag,
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293. and my rewinder, and just
get the hell out of here.
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294. We now return to At the Movies
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295. With Two Guys Who Watch
the Films On Their iPhones.
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296. Good evening.
First off, we're going
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297. to review Paul Greengrass'
Captain Phillips.
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298. What did you think, Bill?
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299. Well, it got off
to a great start,
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300. but when it was my turn
to play Words With Friends,
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301. it really took
me out of it.
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302. Well, that's a shame,
because visually...
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303. Ooh!
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304. When we come back, the guys
will review American Hustle.
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305. Hmm?
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306. Hey, you guys.
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307. Geez, Peter,
you look exhausted.
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308. Ugh, I am. I've
been busting my ass
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309. for the last week trying
to suck up to Chris.
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310. To Chris?
What the hell for?
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311. Well, Carter
kind of decided
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312. he's gonna leave all
his money to Chris.
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313. So, I've been trying to
get on his good side.
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314. I even cleaned his room
for him the other day.
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315. Wish I hadn't done that.
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316. Chris, our
bath is ready.
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317. I... uh...
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318. I don't... I don't know
what to do now.
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319. I... I don't have
the parenting skills necessary
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320. to deal with this.
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321. I say we never
speak of this again.
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322. I... I might move.
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323. You know what?
I say, good for Chris
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324. and whatever lucky girl
he ends up marrying.
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325. Yeah, or lucky guy,
if he ends up being gay.
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326. Lucky guy?
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327. Wait a minute.
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328. You guys just gave me an idea!
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329. What's he doing up there?
He's a cat!
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330. He can't play no tuba!
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331. No, wait!
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332. Actually, you guys
gave me two ideas!
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333. Mumbling while I sleep
to indicate dream content.
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334. Chris, Chris, wake up.
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335. I have something very
important to ask you.
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336. Chris, there comes a time when
every man looks at his son
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337. and thinks, "I want to take
this to the next level."
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338. Chris Griffin...
will you marry me?
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339. What? Is it even legal
for a man to marry his son?
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340. It is in Vermont.
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341. As long as it's a man and a
man, anything goes up there.
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342. They're a bunch of
liberal degenerates.
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343. I don't know.
It seems really weird.
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344. I mean, aren't men
supposed to marry women?
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345. No, no, no, that's just
all of human history
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346. except for the
last five months.
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347. We'll just be
like best pals.
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348. And besides, there's
plenty of people
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349. who are married
and don't have sex.
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350. Like Will Smith
and that pit bull.
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351. Why do you even
want to marry me?
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352. It's time to settle down
and simplify things,
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353. like maybe having one ATM
card and one bank account.
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354. Say, yours.
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355. Oh. I get it.
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356. So, what do you say?
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357. When you're married, you get
to spend all your time together,
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358. doing things like playing catch
and going fishing, right?
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359. Well, the best marriages
give each other space,
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360. but, yes, Chris.
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361. Then, yes, I will
marry you, Dad!
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362. Oh, that's
wonderful news!
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363. You should know this
ring is very special.
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364. It used to belong
to your mother.
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365. Wait. What about Mom?
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366. I'm afraid that's
over, Chris.
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367. Lois, wake up.
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368. I need you to sign
this legal document.
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369. Huh? Wha-What is this?
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370. It's a petition
to force that hot mom
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371. to wear something appropriate
at PTA meetings.
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372. Oh, thank God.
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373. No, Dad.
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374. I don't know
what normal is anymore.
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375. So now you know my complete
sexual history, Chris.
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376. Wow. I'm surprised you got
fooled by a bear in a wig.
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377. It wasn't a wig,
it was a hair system.
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378. Well, whatever.
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379. Why do we have
all these appointments?
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380. Wedding DJ, florist.
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381. Because, Chris, it takes time
to plan a perfect wedding.
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382. You don't want
to jump the gun.
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383. You know, like when you
respond to a text too quickly.
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384. So, should we get started
with your bridal registry?
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385. Yeah, um, I'd like
to furnish my kitchen
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386. as if I'm the greatest
chef in the world,
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387. even though I've
never cooked before.
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388. That's what we do!
Okay, great.
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389. All right, we'll start
with the nine grand
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390. in copper-bottom
cookware.
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391. Holy wack-a-zoly!
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392. Dad!
What?
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393. Don't "what" me.
You know what you did.
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394. Hey, I may be your husband and
your dad, but I'm still a man.
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395. Yeah, we're looking to plan our
post-wedding Sunday breakfast.
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396. You know,
when everyone's sick of us.
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397. Of course.
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398. Excellent. Do you have
a table for the couple
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399. that barely made it through
the weekend without breaking up?
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400. Absolutely. Can I put
them near the couple
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401. that hooked up drunk and now
have to make awkward small talk
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402. until their cab to
the airport arrives?
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403. Sure. And maybe
they could go next
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404. to the vastly-underdressed
cousin
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405. who thinks
the world revolves around him?
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406. I have just the spot.
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407. Will there be a
physically-frail,
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408. fall-down uncle?
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409. Indeed. And we'd like
to have him walk
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410. through a maze
of chair legs.
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411. Anything else?
Yes.
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412. We did invite
a black couple.
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413. Um, even though we only met them
three months ago,
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414. but we would like them
to be prominently featured
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415. to let the other guests know how
tolerant and wonderful we are.
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416. I'm excited for
your first dance.
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417. And now we're
ready to add music.
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418. What's your song?
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419. You know, I've given it
a lot of thought,
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420. and I went with the most
romantic song ever,
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421. "Stars And Stripes Forever"
by John Philip Sousa.
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422. March! March!
March! March!
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423. Can you feel the
soldiers, Chris?
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424. So many have fallen.
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425. And this is why
they were fighting.
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426. For a man to marry his son
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427. in a state with
enough trees around
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428. that nobody can
see what's going on.
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429. It was nice of the
guests at the cat funeral
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430. to stay for our wedding.
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431. Yeah, and I bet
you're especially happy
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432. we're getting married
on a Thursday.
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433. School, yuck, right?
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434. Welcome, friends, loved ones,
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435. and people who are waiting
for the 3:00 check-in time
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436. with nothing better to do.
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437. Just let us put
our bags in there.
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438. I'm literally gonna
grab my shorts and leave.
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439. I understand the two of you
have written your own vows?
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440. Chris, to express my love,
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441. I turn to the words of the only
poet that blue collar,
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442. New England scumbags
like me know: Robert Frost.
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443. "Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I...
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444. I took the one less traveled."
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445. Now, I ain't no scholar,
but if that's not a metaphor
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446. for major-league butt stuff,
I don't know what is.
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447. Thank you. Chris?
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448. Stop the wedding!
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449. Lois! How did you
find out about this?
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450. Peter, several people
have called the police
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451. about a man marrying his son.
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452. It's not normal!
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453. Peter? Peter
Griffin?
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454. Oh, God.
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455. Is everyone
from your past here
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456. to walk you down
the aisle?
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457. Peter, you
cannot do this!
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458. You cannot
marry your son!
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459. I don't care how much
money Daddy's left him.
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460. Don't listen
to your mother, Chris.
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461. It's 'cause of her
we have bedtimes!
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462. Chris, come on,
we're going home!
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463. He can't make
you do this.
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464. But, Mom,
I want to do this.
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465. What?
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466. I know he's marrying me
for my money, but I don't care.
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467. Dad and I spent more time
together planning this wedding
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468. than we ever have before.
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469. And if being married means
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470. I get to spend even more time
with my dad, then it's worth it.
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471. Wait. You knew all along I
just wanted you for your money?
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472. Yeah, Dad, I did.
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473. Wow.
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474. Oh, boy, I've
been a real jerk.
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475. I'm sorry, Chris.
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476. But you know what?
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477. I'm gonna make it up to
you, starting right now.
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478. Chris Griffin...
will you be my son?
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479. Yes, Dad.
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480. OMG, the photographer is,
like, obsessed with me.
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481. Well, let's all go home,
you guys.
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482. I think we've had enough
excitement for one day.
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483. Yeah, and
I guess I learned
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484. it's wrong to take
your son to Vermont
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485. under false
pretenses
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486. to try to marry him
for his inheritance.
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487. You... you should've
known that.
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488. Well, we should
probably get going.
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489. I think this
adventure is over.
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490. Interestingly, however,
I did run into Chris again.
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491. It was on the Upper West
Side of Manhattan.
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492. He was with another dad.
I was with another son.
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493. But it was nice reminiscing
about old times.
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494. For you kids watching,
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495. this is a reference
to a Woody Allen movie.
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496. He also married one
of his children.
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