1. Ah, this hunting trip
is long overdue.
Copy !req
2. Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad
that all the-the animals
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3. are so spread out, you know?
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4. I mean, wouldn't it
be awesome if-if they were all
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5. grouped together,
like in a cafeteria,
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6. and you could just go in there
with a trench coat
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7. and just waste them?
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8. Well, maybe I can stir up
some quail or pheasant
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9. with my patented
bird calls.
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10. Birds! Quail! Pheasant!
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11. Come on out!
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12. I'm a bird of the opposite sex
who's interested in mating!
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13. Did you hear that?
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14. We're gonna get laid!
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15. Billy, Billy, come on.
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16. Don't be stupid.
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17. Should've taken
the shot, fat-ass.
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18. Ah, ah, ow!
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19. Hey, Peter, you got
your safety on, right?
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20. Yeah, of course.
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21. Okay, 'cause your gun is
pointing right at me.
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22. Well, you want me
to pull the trigger
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23. and prove it to you?
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24. No, I just want to make
sure your safety's on.
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25. There. See, Quagmire?
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26. Safety's on.
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27. Now this is a gun
without a safety.
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28. Quite the difference, huh?
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29. Damn it, Peter,
you son of a bitch!
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30. You shot me!
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31. Oh, my God, Peter!
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32. That might be the dumbest
thing you've ever done.
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33. No, the dumbest
thing I ever did
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34. was open that
can of whup-ass.
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35. Lois, why did you buy this?
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36. It was on sale!
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37. A writer who inherits
a magic typewriter
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38. that writes for him,
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39. but then it turns out
the typewriter is... racist?
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40. Totally makes sense.
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41. Older technology,
older world view.
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42. And that is a good day.
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43. I earned some banana bread.
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44. Oh, crap.
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45. It's Dylan.
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46. Dylan? Your son?
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47. I haven't heard you
mention him in ages.
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48. Yeah, I-I decided to step away
from the whole situation.
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49. The last thing he needs
is a father who's,
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50. you know, sometimes
there, sometimes not.
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51. Really? When-when was the part
when you were there?
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52. Hey, if I
click "ignore,"
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53. will he know that I'm
sending him to voice mail?
Copy !req
54. Hey, Dylan!
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55. Hey, it's Stewie!
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56. Yeah, I'm right here
with your dad!
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57. Hey... hey, Dylan.
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58. Hey, Dad!
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59. I know we haven't
talked in a while,
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60. but I'm calling because
I'm on my way to Quahog.
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61. Oh, really?
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62. W-When are you
getting here?
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63. Tuesday...
Oh, don't
say Tuesday!
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64. Aw, aw, I'm at the...
I'm at the...
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65. I'm out at
the project all day.
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66. Aw, hands on,
indispensable.
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67. They-they need me there,
so, wow.
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68. Rats. Bummer.
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69. I can cover for you
at the project, Brian!
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70. Go see your boy!
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71. Dad, who's your coworker?
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72. He sounds nice.
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73. He's widely disliked
here, but, uh...
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74. I'll meet you Tuesday
at the coffee shop.
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75. Sounds great.
I'll see you then.
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76. Okay, b-bye.
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77. See? Don't you feel better?
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78. You're gonna go
to that lunch,
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79. you're gonna reconnect
with your son.
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80. It'll be great.
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81. I don't know, Stewie.
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82. Trust me, you should
take my advice.
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83. I mean, I'm the guy
who told Michael Chiklis
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84. to wear tight shirts.
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85. I'll tell you
anything you want,
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86. just get your boobs
out of my face!
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87. You know the difference
between you and me, dirtbag?
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88. No matter how muscular I get,
I will never be muscular.
Copy !req
89. Hey, Quagmire,
what's with the cast?
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90. Did you hurt your arm after
I shot you in the arm?
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91. The shooting was
the injury, Peter!
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92. Look, I already said I was
sorry, like, a hundred times.
Copy !req
93. Oh, and before I forget,
I want my Huey Lewis CD back.
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94. Well, I want a new drug.
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95. Okay, at least
you've been using it.
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96. But I want
it back, Peter.
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97. This is it.
Ooh-ah.
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98. Damn it, Peter,
just give it back.
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99. I can't give it back.
I lost it in a poker game.
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100. What?
I didn't think
he could beat a two.
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101. Where the hell
do you get off
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102. betting my CD
in a poker game?
Copy !req
103. I don't think
I like your tone.
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104. W-What? You're-you're saying
I'm being the unreasonable one?
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105. Geez, calm down,
you guys.
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106. No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe,
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107. it's time somebody
said this to him.
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108. Peter Griffin,
you are an idiot!
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109. You can't even walk
and chew gum at the same time.
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110. Peter, come on!
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111. Walk over here.
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112. I'm doing something.
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113. One thing at a time.
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114. Damn it, Peter, that's it!
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115. I am done!
I'm done with you!
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116. I'm done with
all your crap!
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117. I never want to
speak to you again!
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118. This friendship is over!
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119. Well, fine!
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120. I don't need your friendship!
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121. I got other friends.
Copy !req
122. I got my silent movie friends.
Copy !req
123. Coming up, we'll meet
a Filipino man
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124. who actually has
a grown-up haircut.
Copy !req
125. Hey, what are you
still doing here?
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126. Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with Dylan?
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127. Yeah, you know, Stewie,
I've been thinking about it.
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128. And I haven't seen
him in years,
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129. and at this point,
I-I just don't see
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130. what could possibly
be gained
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131. from me getting
together with him.
Copy !req
132. In entertainment news,
Hollywood comes to Quahog
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133. in the form of a new
Disney Channel show
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134. called Parent Boppers,
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135. about a group of
teen detectives.
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136. The show, set and filmed
right here in Rhode Island,
Copy !req
137. stars local teen and
Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.
Copy !req
138. Brian, did you hear that?
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139. Your son's gonna be a TV star!
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140. Brian?
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141. He's off to lunch, Meg.
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142. Oh, that dog o' mine!
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143. That's Mike Drunkbeater.
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144. Look it up on the Internet.
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145. Wow, my son Dylan
on a TV show.
Copy !req
146. Funny how life
turns out, isn't it?
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147. You remember that weekend
we watched TV together?
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148. Boy, little did I know
how much that was gonna rub off.
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149. Did we watch
TV together?
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150. Oh, probably.
But, wow, huh?
Copy !req
151. And-and you know what's weird?
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152. You're on a show...
I'm a writer.
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153. It's-it's almost like
the universe is trying to...
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154. I don't know,
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155. make us work together
or something, I don't know.
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156. You... you want
a job on my show?
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157. Hey, hey, don't put
the universe's words
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158. in my mouth, okay?
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159. I don't know, Dad.
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160. I've-I've barely seen you
in the past few years.
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161. So, what better way
to reconnect
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162. than by working
together every day?
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163. Well, I suppose
I could talk to them,
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164. see if they'd
go for it.
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165. Why wouldn't they?
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166. I-I mean,
it wouldn't be
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167. the craziest idea
in show business.
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168. When I grow up,
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169. I want to stick my head
through a circle
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170. at the beginning
of movies and roar.
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171. What's up now, bitches?
Copy !req
172. We now return to
Saving Private Ryan,
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173. brought to you without
commercial interruption
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174. by Mazda.
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175. Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.
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176. Zoom zoom.
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177. Hey, Jerome, can you
clear out my booth?
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178. Looks like somebody
left their trash here.
Copy !req
179. Jerome, can you tell
that
Copy !req
180. to get
the hell out of here
Copy !req
181. before I
kick him in the face?
Copy !req
182. Peter, why don't you just sit
in that booth over there?
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183. Oh, man, that's where the
after-work secretaries sit.
Copy !req
184. What about Mr. Demerson?
Is he single?
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185. I... I-I don't know.
Copy !req
186. What about Mr. Adelaide?
Is he single?
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187. I don't know
who that is.
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188. Well, who do you know
who is single?
Copy !req
189. Uh, I'm assuming you.
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190. Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake!
Copy !req
191. Hey, Joe!
Hey, Joe, I'm over here!
Copy !req
192. Joe! Joe!
Come sit with me!
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193. Come on, you guys.
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194. Joe, I got a box of
salt water taffies,
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195. and you can have two.
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196. Joe, I got
a deck of cards
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197. you can put in your
wheels to look cool.
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198. Joe, I'll do the wavy
stomach for you.
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199. Looks like a real wave.
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200. Joe, I can scream
your name real loud!
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201. Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
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202. I can yell it louder!
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203. Joe! Joe! Joe!
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204. What the hell
is going on here?
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205. I'm in there trying
to take a leak!
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206. What, you think
I'm here to amuse you?
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207. You made me dribble
on my Bruno Maglis
Copy !req
208. turning to see
who's calling my name!
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209. Joe Pesci thought we were
talking to him
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210. 'cause his name is Joe.
Copy !req
211. Oh, you don't know who
Joe Pesci is, 'cause you're 14.
Copy !req
212. You see, in the '90s,
this was a tough guy.
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213. Hey, multiracial
group of friends,
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214. you want to hang out?
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215. Cut! That's a five.
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216. Tell my assistant I fell asleep
with a condom on again,
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217. and to bring scissors
to my trailer.
Copy !req
218. All right, guys,
before we begin today,
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219. I want to introduce our newest
staff writer, Brian Griffin.
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220. Hi, guys.
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221. Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.
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222. You probably have my novel,
but just so you know, in here,
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223. I'm just one of
the guys, all right?
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224. You have my novel, right?
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225. Nope? No?
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226. You got it, though.
Nope?
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227. You got it?
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228. Nope, nobody's got it.
Copy !req
229. All right.
Copy !req
230. Okay, so we got to
come up with a story
Copy !req
231. for next week's episode.
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232. How about we do one
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233. where DJ gets his
driver's license?
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234. That could work.
I don't think
we've done that.
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235. Love that idea.
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236. No, no, no.
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237. Guys, guys, come on,
where's the STWISTUSION?
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238. Really?
Really?
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239. I'm the only guy here
who's heard of that?
Copy !req
240. Stakes, twists, conclusion—
STWISTUSION.
Copy !req
241. That sounds made up.
Copy !req
242. Let me ask you something:
are you afraid right now?
Copy !req
243. What? No.
Copy !req
244. That's what's wrong.
Copy !req
245. You should be, you know?
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246. Art is scary.
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247. This is writing, man.
Copy !req
248. The viewer wants to be raped.
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249. Are you saying my nine-year-old
daughter wants to be raped?
Copy !req
250. Now you're asking
the right questions.
Copy !req
251. Now you're being creative,
thinking outside the box.
Copy !req
252. Take what you think you know
and go a different way with it.
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253. Like-like, for instance,
what if the daughter in Taken
Copy !req
254. was Zooey Deschanel?
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255. Send me her head.
Copy !req
256. Peter, Quagmire, I've
called you here today
Copy !req
257. because this
has got to stop.
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258. The petty vying
for my attention,
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259. the late-night phone
calls, the attack ads.
Copy !req
260. Glenn Quagmire claims to be
Copy !req
261. Joe Swanson's good friend.
Copy !req
262. But would a "good friend"
not return a leaf blower
Copy !req
263. for four months
during the leafy season?
Copy !req
264. I'm Peter Griffin,
Copy !req
265. and I broke into a news station
to make this.
Copy !req
266. Hey, who's that guy?
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267. Well, look, you guys have
given me no alternative.
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268. I have to choose
one of you.
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269. So I choose Quagmire.
Copy !req
270. What?
Suck it!
Copy !req
271. I'm sorry, Peter,
Copy !req
272. it's just that
Quagmire's been there
Copy !req
273. for me in some
pretty dark days.
Copy !req
274. And he's been a wonderful
godfather to Susie.
Copy !req
275. There she is,
my little Susie-woozie!
Copy !req
276. I love Susie more!
Come here, Susie!
Copy !req
277. Uncle Peter's gonna
give you a raspberry.
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278. Peter, that's not
where you do a raspberry.
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279. I closed my eyes too early.
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280. I think it's best
if you leave.
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281. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
282. Well, maybe I'll hang out
with my godson, Kevin.
Copy !req
283. Get out!
Copy !req
284. He was masturbating
with a knife.
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285. We're rolling!
Copy !req
286. My stupid parents want me
to wear a bike helmet.
Copy !req
287. Parents are lame.
Copy !req
288. Hold on, other kids.
Maybe they just recognize
Copy !req
289. that nothing can protect us
from the tedium
Copy !req
290. of our mundane lives.
Copy !req
291. Aren't we all on bikes
without helmets?
Copy !req
292. Sometimes I just want
to put this gun in my mouth.
Copy !req
293. Cut! Your line is
"That's right, Cameron."
Copy !req
294. I know. My dad wrote
that one for me.
Copy !req
295. Again with this?
Copy !req
296. Yesterday, you had
Dakota give herself
Copy !req
297. an abdomen-punch abortion during
her volleyball tournament.
Copy !req
298. Hey, seventh grade
can be hell.
Copy !req
299. Brian, you're fired.
Copy !req
300. Wait, what?
Copy !req
301. Sorry, Brian,
but you're done.
Copy !req
302. Oh, come on! You can't fire a
writer in the middle of a show!
Copy !req
303. That would be like
a doctor leaving
Copy !req
304. in the middle
of a surgery!
Copy !req
305. Help!
Copy !req
306. I'm supposed to have surgery,
but my doctor disappeared.
Copy !req
307. Okay, Josh, this is the shot
you've been waiting for.
Copy !req
308. Okay, Derek,
this is the shot
Copy !req
309. you've been waiting for.
Copy !req
310. Dylan, Dylan,
there you are!
Copy !req
311. Listen, you can't
let them fire me!
Copy !req
312. You're the star
of the show!
Copy !req
313. Dad, believe me, I want
you to work here with me,
Copy !req
314. but you can't keep
doing things like that.
Copy !req
315. And they know
you took those cases
Copy !req
316. of Diet Coke
home last night.
Copy !req
317. I thought they were
anybody's Diet Coke!
Copy !req
318. They're for work!
I work at home!
Copy !req
319. Oh, hey, by the way, are we all
getting those backpacks
Copy !req
320. with the name
of the show on them?
Copy !req
321. You know what, Dad?
Copy !req
322. I'm starting to think
that you've just been
Copy !req
323. using me to advance
your career!
Copy !req
324. God! You're
a terrible father!
Copy !req
325. I never want to
see you again!
Copy !req
326. My God, he's right.
Copy !req
327. I ama terrible father.
Copy !req
328. Brian, do you
know where...
Copy !req
329. What the hell
are you drinking?
Copy !req
330. Is that Rite Aid-
brand whiskey?
Copy !req
331. Stewie, I just feel so awful
about what happened with Dylan.
Copy !req
332. I mean, every terrible thing
he said about me is true.
Copy !req
333. Well, you're
a terrible guy, Bri.
Copy !req
334. I think being a paid writer
again just went to my head.
Copy !req
335. I mean, I just... I can't
believe I was so selfish.
Copy !req
336. It's-it's like Dylan just held
a mirror up to me,
Copy !req
337. and I could finally see how
poorly I'd been treating him.
Copy !req
338. I guess I didn't realize how
lucky I was to have Dylan back
Copy !req
339. in my life until I lost him
all over again.
Copy !req
340. Well, maybe you
should just apologize.
Copy !req
341. I tried to.
Copy !req
342. I mean, I texted him
"S-R-Y frowny face."
Copy !req
343. I mean, he knows that I'm sorry
and that I'm sad.
Copy !req
344. What are you guys
doing up so early?
Copy !req
345. What-what are we...
Copy !req
346. Where have you been?
Copy !req
347. Well, I certainly wasn't
at the Shriners' convention.
Copy !req
348. You know what
I think, Brian?
Copy !req
349. I think you've got to
get down to that set
Copy !req
350. and apologize
face-to-face.
Copy !req
351. You're right.
Copy !req
352. I just... I hope he's willing
to hear me out, you know?
Copy !req
353. I'm the worst father ever.
Copy !req
354. I'm even worse than
Marvin Gaye's dad.
Copy !req
355. Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Copy !req
356. Marvin, if this another
tie, I'm gonna kill you.
Copy !req
357. Well, looks like it's just
you and me, shadow.
Copy !req
358. Shadow!
Copy !req
359. Oh, hey, is, uh...
is Dylan back here?
Copy !req
360. Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he
doesn't want to see you anymore.
Copy !req
361. We're not allowed
to let you in.
Copy !req
362. Well, you know what?
I'm sorry, too.
Copy !req
363. For what?
For this!
Copy !req
364. Yeah, you know, you probably
would've had a better shot
Copy !req
365. if you hadn't yelled
"For this!"
Copy !req
366. You know,
that-that kind of telegraphed
Copy !req
367. what you were gonna do.
Copy !req
368. Ah, Stewie,
it's no use.
Copy !req
369. They're never
gonna let us in.
Copy !req
370. Well, maybe
you can't get in,
Copy !req
371. but I think I know
someone who can.
Copy !req
372. Zac Sawyer?
Copy !req
373. I'm Zac Sawyer. Say "when."
Copy !req
374. Acting.
Copy !req
375. pop, classical,
light opera, Italian.
Copy !req
376. classical, tap, jazz.
Copy !req
377. Horse riding.
Can I? Yes.
Copy !req
378. 13.
Copy !req
379. South American, South African,
Copy !req
380. British upper class,
British Cockney.
Copy !req
381. "What, Govnah?"
Somebody gonna stop me?
Copy !req
382. Fencing, nunchucks.
Copy !req
383. Driving?
Yes. Automatic and standard...
Copy !req
384. Okay, okay. Wow.
Copy !req
385. You're the worst.
Copy !req
386. Welcome aboard.
Copy !req
387. We now return to The
Love Boat with Somali Pirates.
Copy !req
388. I am the captain now.
Copy !req
389. Well, okay,
but that means
Copy !req
390. you're in charge of getting
Mr. Devlin to admit
Copy !req
391. that after 30 years,
Copy !req
392. he still loves
Mrs. Devlin very much.
Copy !req
393. That is not the captain's
responsibility!
Copy !req
394. Well, maybe not where
you come from,
Copy !req
395. but here on
the Love Boat...
Copy !req
396. Now, who is Mr. Devlin?
Copy !req
397. Try skinny-dipping with her
like when you were kids.
Copy !req
398. Hey, Lois, if I was
gonna kill myself,
Copy !req
399. do I slit my wrists
this way or this way?
Copy !req
400. Sideways for attention,
long way for results!
Copy !req
401. Meg is right.
Copy !req
402. Okay, I'll be in
the garage.
Copy !req
403. Peter, put that knife down.
Copy !req
404. Lois, I don't
have any friends!
Copy !req
405. So I'm gonna kill myself
Copy !req
406. and get a full page
in the yearbook.
Copy !req
407. Then they can't
ignore me.
Copy !req
408. Who's that?
Copy !req
409. I don't know.
Copy !req
410. Okay, Zac, remember,
your character's name
Copy !req
411. is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.
Copy !req
412. You surf
and enjoy surfing.
Copy !req
413. In this scene,
DJ Slopes is thinking
Copy !req
414. of quitting
the detective agency,
Copy !req
415. and you're like,
"No way."
Copy !req
416. Got it.
Copy !req
417. We're rolling!
Copy !req
418. Listen, Tevin, I think
I just need more time
Copy !req
419. to focus
on my snowboarding
Copy !req
420. and Web series
about energy drinks.
Copy !req
421. No, man, you got to stay
in the detective agency.
Copy !req
422. It's what your dad
would want.
Copy !req
423. What?
What are you talking about?
Copy !req
424. What the hell's
that new kid doing?
Copy !req
425. This isn't in the script.
Copy !req
426. I'm talking about your dad, DJ.
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427. He sent me here with a message.
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428. He said he can't believe
he was so selfish.
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429. It's like you held
a mirror up to him
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430. and he could finally see how
poorly he'd been treating you.
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431. He didn't realize how lucky
he was...
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432. Stay on me,
camera one.
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433. to have you
back in his life,
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434. and now he feels like
he's lost you all over again.
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435. But how do I know
he won't just hurt me again?
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436. You don't. You never know that.
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437. But isn't taking a risk
better than not having a dad?
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438. Yeah, I guess
you're right.
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439. You're damn right I am.
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440. Cut!
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441. You know, I don't know
where any of that came from,
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442. but I liked it.
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443. Who are you?
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444. I'm Zac Sawyer.
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445. And I go where I'm needed.
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446. Where you headed?
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447. Wherever I'm needed.
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448. No, no, it does
not work like that.
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449. I need to put
address in machine.
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450. Okay, maybe, you can
just take me home then.
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451. Where is home?
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452. I-I don't know.
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453. It's-it's my mom
and dad's house,
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454. but I don't
know the address!
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455. I take you airport.
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456. Okay!
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457. All right, Quagmire, I have
given this a lot of thought.
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458. I need you to shoot me
in the arm
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459. so we can be friends again.
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460. Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
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461. No, no, I was supposed
to offer,
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462. and then you were supposed
to say, "No, Peter,
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463. "I'm not gonna shoot you,
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464. although I do appreciate
the gesture."
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465. Hand me the gun, Peter.
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466. I, uh... I passed the test?
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467. No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you
like a dirty animal.
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468. But-but just the fact
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469. that I would make the offer
is so meaningful to you.
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470. Your offer means
nothing, Peter.
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471. The only thing that
means anything to me
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472. is a bullet in your arm.
Now give me that!
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473. Stop! Stop!
Quagmire, let go!
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474. Come on! You're not leaving
here without being shot!
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475. Look, I was trying
to do the decent thing,
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476. like you'd see in a movie!
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477. I'm putting that bullet
in your arm, Peter!
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478. Ah! Son of a bitch!
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479. It's over.
We're all friends again.
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480. What the hell, Joe?
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481. I'm just trying
to settle this nonsense.
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482. Nothing got settled!
You shot him!
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483. I'm the one who
has to shoot him!
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484. Wait a second. All right, then
I get to shoot Joe, all right?
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485. He shot me! I mean, if we're
doing things fair here, then...
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486. All right, we're good.
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487. Hey, Dad.
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488. Dylan?
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489. I went to your house,
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490. and Chris told me
you'd be here.
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491. Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry
I hurt you.
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492. I've been a really bad father,
like Ernest Hemmingway
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493. or-or some other great writer.
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494. But if-if you'll give me
a chance,
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495. I-I'd like
to try to change that.
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496. I'd like that, too, Dad.
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497. Peter, I'm so glad you patched
things up with your friends.
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498. Have I told you
that we're all friends again?
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499. Yes, Peter, we were just
talking about it.
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500. They're gonna take me
to the zoo and roll me around.
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501. We're all friends again.
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