1. Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.Copy !req
2. This just in: Wanted fugitive,
Bobby "The Shirt" Briggs,Copy !req
3. notorious for always wearing
shirts while committingCopy !req
4. his crimes,
has finally been caughtCopy !req
5. after 15 years on the lam.Copy !req
6. A police spokesperson
was quoted as saying,Copy !req
7. "Duh, I'm a dumb cop.Copy !req
8. I like to give
Tom Tucker a ticket."Copy !req
9. I was going, like, 41.Copy !req
10. Oh, my God,
I don't believe it.Copy !req
11. They finally got that
son of a bitch Briggs.Copy !req
12. You know that guy?Copy !req
13. You're damn right, I do.Copy !req
14. Bobby Briggs is the one who
put me in this wheelchair.Copy !req
15. They got him.Copy !req
16. They finally got him.Copy !req
17. Geez, Joe, you okay?Copy !req
18. Here, use my handkerchief.Copy !req
19. It's wet and cold.Copy !req
20. Well, yeah,
it's my handkerchief.Copy !req
21. I've been blowing
my nose in it all day.Copy !req
22. Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs
is the one who crippled you?Copy !req
23. You always told us
you fell off a roofCopy !req
24. during a fight with the Grinch.Copy !req
25. I lied.Copy !req
26. I lied because I was ashamed
of the real story:Copy !req
27. that I let a vicious
criminal get away.Copy !req
28. What happened?Copy !req
29. Well, it was 1996.Copy !req
30. Briggs was one of the
biggest heroin dealersCopy !req
31. east of Providence, which is
mostly just open water,Copy !req
32. but still, I'd been undercover,
tracking his operationCopy !req
33. for six months and had finally
gained his confidence.Copy !req
34. I had almost
gathered enough evidenceCopy !req
35. to put Briggsaway for good,Copy !req
36. but I knew a taped confessionCopy !req
37. would make the case
a slam dunk.Copy !req
38. This is gonna take us
to the next level.Copy !req
39. We're gonna be banging
so many hot chicksCopy !req
40. with jeans up to
their navels.Copy !req
41. Bobby Briggs, you're
really good at heroin.Copy !req
42. How much heroin
is here, Bobby Briggs?Copy !req
43. Why are you
talking like that?Copy !req
44. Are you wearing a wire?Copy !req
45. Oh, you're dead,
Joe Swansonson.Copy !req
46. My undercover name
was Swansonson.Copy !req
47. Easy, Briggs.Copy !req
48. You kill a cop,
they'll put you away forever.Copy !req
49. Then get ready to spend
the rest of your lifeCopy !req
50. as a lame gimp
with an annoying-voiced wife.Copy !req
51. He'd met Bonnie.Copy !req
52. Briggs got away,Copy !req
53. and I've been in this wheelchair
ever since.Copy !req
54. I like that you
can tell me a storyCopy !req
55. starting at the Clam
and ending on a Ferris wheel.Copy !req
56. Yeah, people
are starving in Africa,Copy !req
57. and I'm at a carnivalCopy !req
58. with my best buddies
on a beautiful night.Copy !req
59. Blessings. Blessings.Copy !req
60. So, Joe, it must
feel great to finallyCopy !req
61. have some closure
with Bobby Briggs.Copy !req
62. Yeah.Copy !req
63. You know last night was
the first time in 15 yearsCopy !req
64. I didn't strangle
Bonnie in my sleep?Copy !req
65. Okay.Copy !req
66. Hey, Dad, you're gonna
want to see this.Copy !req
67. Again recapping
our breaking news,Copy !req
68. longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs
has escaped from police custody.Copy !req
69. His whereabouts
are currently unknown.Copy !req
70. News of Briggs's escape
first broke on Telemundo,Copy !req
71. if you can believe that.Copy !req
72. Escapo!
Escapo! Escapo!Copy !req
73. Briggs reportedly escaped
during a prison open house,Copy !req
74. an event that will most likely
be canceled in the future.Copy !req
75. No, no!
I can't believe it.Copy !req
76. Oh, don't worry, Joe,
they'll get him back.Copy !req
77. No, they won't!Copy !req
78. It took 15 years
to catch him.Copy !req
79. Well, this seems like a good
time to be heading out.Copy !req
80. I should be getting back anyway.Copy !req
81. I left Rupert with a sitter.Copy !req
82. Well, you know
where everything is.Copy !req
83. Feel free to help yourself
to anything in the fridge.Copy !req
84. And Mr. Con Man here can have
pudding or ice cream, not both.Copy !req
85. Chief, can I have a word?Copy !req
86. Yeah, but first,
you have to agreeCopy !req
87. there's a huge
differenceCopy !req
88. between bisexual men
and homosexual men.Copy !req
89. Sure, Chief.
Thank you. Huge.Copy !req
90. What is it?Copy !req
91. Well, Chief, I'm here
because I want youCopy !req
92. to put me on the Briggs case.Copy !req
93. Absolutely not.Copy !req
94. Come on, Chief!Copy !req
95. I know everything about Briggs.Copy !req
96. I'm the only one
who can catch him.Copy !req
97. No, Swanson, you're
too close to the case.Copy !req
98. I'm putting Officers
Grant and Casey on itCopy !req
99. because they're so
far from the case,Copy !req
100. they don't care
about it at all.Copy !req
101. Hi, Chief.
Hi.Copy !req
102. This isn't fair!Copy !req
103. Swanson, you know
your assignment.Copy !req
104. You get me the guy who's
been rubbing his buttCopy !req
105. all over Dunkin' Donuts.Copy !req
106. Can I help you?Copy !req
107. Not illegal. Not illegal.Copy !req
108. Show me the law.
Not illegal.Copy !req
109. Hey, Joe, look,
I know you're downCopy !req
110. about this Briggs thing,
and that kind of bums me out,Copy !req
111. so I got you
this Cookie Puss.Copy !req
112. Isn't that funny?Copy !req
113. Look at that weird nose.Copy !req
114. I think your nose
is weird.Copy !req
115. Guys, I'm telling you, I...Copy !req
116. I just don't think
I could live with BriggsCopy !req
117. on the lam for another 15 years.Copy !req
118. Well, why don't you
do something about it?Copy !req
119. I can't do anything about it.
The chief won't let me.Copy !req
120. Joe, if they don't
find this guy,Copy !req
121. it's gonna eat you alive
for the rest of your life.Copy !req
122. You got to take matters
into your own hands.Copy !req
123. You got to go after this guy.Copy !req
124. But that's a breach
of police protocol.Copy !req
125. This isn't about you
as a cop.Copy !req
126. This is
about you as a man.Copy !req
127. Come on, what do you say?Copy !req
128. Quagmire and I will help you
bring this guy to justice.Copy !req
129. Peter,
what did I sayCopy !req
130. about you volunteering
me for?Copy !req
131. All right, let's do it!Copy !req
132. Well, if you're gonna do it,Copy !req
133. you're gonna need someone
who's very good at disguise.Copy !req
134. Who said that?Copy !req
135. I'd love to go with you,
but I can't.Copy !req
136. I'm supposed to be
the gift tableCopy !req
137. at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.Copy !req
138. All right, if we're
gonna go after Briggs,Copy !req
139. this might be a good
place to start.Copy !req
140. I've spent the
last 15 yearsCopy !req
141. gathering
information on him,Copy !req
142. and it's all here.Copy !req
143. Every crime he's committed,
every associate he's had...Copy !req
144. Oh, look, Briggs
was All-County JV swimming.Copy !req
145. Well, I don't just
focus on the negative.Copy !req
146. Joe, your 25-year-old son
and your baby daughter shareCopy !req
147. a room just so you can keep
a weirdo Beautiful Mind room?Copy !req
148. Isn't that a little bizarre?Copy !req
149. And then we dug the bullets out
of that Iraqi family's skullsCopy !req
150. so they couldn't
be traced back to us.Copy !req
151. Today, I saw a balloon.Copy !req
152. Briggs' FBI profile
says the only relationshipCopy !req
153. he's maintained over the years
is with a stripper named Tanya.Copy !req
154. Tax records show
she currently worksCopy !req
155. at a club in Atlantic City.Copy !req
156. So that's our first stop.Copy !req
157. Is there touching
at the club?Copy !req
158. I-I-I don't know,
Peter. Maybe.Copy !req
159. Okay, this is good,
this is good.Copy !req
160. I'll be sure to pack
my blamming jeans.Copy !req
161. Hey, listen,
thanks for agreeingCopy !req
162. to take care of Principessa
while we're gone, Lois.Copy !req
163. It's our pleasure.Copy !req
164. She looks like
a nice kitty.Copy !req
165. Uh, kitty?Copy !req
166. Lois, she is
a purebred Persian.Copy !req
167. I can trace her lineage
to the cats kept by Cleopatra.Copy !req
168. Just tell me what
I need to do, Glenn.Copy !req
169. Well, first, she has
a very active bowel.Copy !req
170. You can't be too generous
with the baby wipes.Copy !req
171. Stroke front to back
like you would on yourself.Copy !req
172. Otherwise, you're smashing
feces into her genitals.Copy !req
173. Also, she's very skittish,Copy !req
174. so you have to
touch her like this.Copy !req
175. I'm going to touch you now.Copy !req
176. Is that okay?Copy !req
177. See how I'm going?Copy !req
178. Slowly, slowly.Copy !req
179. Oh, the mysteries
you keep inside of you.Copy !req
180. Quagmire, come on,
let's go.Copy !req
181. All right, I guess we're off.Copy !req
182. Hey, you guys,
check out the lookCopy !req
183. on Lois's face
when I do this.Copy !req
184. Peter!Copy !req
185. Clean that up, you idiot!Copy !req
186. Love you.Copy !req
187. Boy, it'll be satisfying
to finally slap the cuffsCopy !req
188. on Briggs once and for all.Copy !req
189. Hey, you ever just drive
through a town and wonder,Copy !req
190. "Who the hell lives here?"
All the time.Copy !req
191. Look at this place.
I mean, what-what's going on?Copy !req
192. There's an adult
with a lemonade stand.Copy !req
193. That Chinese restaurant
still has the signCopy !req
194. from when it was a mechanic.Copy !req
195. I don't want to eat lo meinCopy !req
196. where they were
just changing mufflers.Copy !req
197. There's an apartment
above that Arby's.Copy !req
198. With toys in the window.Copy !req
199. Someone has built
a life up there.Copy !req
200. What a mess.Copy !req
201. I'm telling you,
the Founding Fathers would beCopy !req
202. very disappointed in
where their country ended up.Copy !req
203. Eh, it wasn't so perfect
back then, either.Copy !req
204. And so I say unto you,Copy !req
205. sons of liberty,
no longer will free menCopy !req
206. live under the yoke
of giant predatory birds.Copy !req
207. Shrieking, swooping down,
stealing our livestock.Copy !req
208. What's going on in here?Copy !req
209. N-Nothing, uh, just
bellyaching about the British.Copy !req
210. Get back to warming
those eggs.Copy !req
211. All right,
this is the place.Copy !req
212. We got to see if we
can find Briggs's girl.Copy !req
213. Hey, we're looking
for a stripper named Tanya.Copy !req
214. She here tonight?Copy !req
215. Yeah, she's working
the Champagne Room.Copy !req
216. Follow me.Copy !req
217. Hey, Quagmire, you, uh...Copy !req
218. you ever been to
Atlantic City before?Copy !req
219. Once, about 20
years ago. Why?Copy !req
220. All right!
All right!Copy !req
221. All right!
All right!Copy !req
222. Hey, are you Tanya?Copy !req
223. Yeah. Who are you?Copy !req
224. A guy who's looking
for Bobby Briggs.Copy !req
225. Where is he?Copy !req
226. I don't know any Bobby Briggs.Copy !req
227. And even if I did,
I wouldn't tell you.Copy !req
228. You're lying!Copy !req
229. Joe, let me handle this.Copy !req
230. I know how to communicate
with strippers.Copy !req
231. All I need is one dance,Copy !req
232. and I'll know
everything she knows.Copy !req
233. You free for a dance?Copy !req
234. Sure.Copy !req
235. I need information.Copy !req
236. I was molested by my dad.Copy !req
237. I know that.
I need other information.Copy !req
238. I want you to tell me
where I can find Bobby Briggs.Copy !req
239. Come on, you know
I can't give outCopy !req
240. a client's personal
information.Copy !req
241. All right, I'm gonna have
to do the Vulcan V-Meld.Copy !req
242. He lives at 2820
Ocean Boulevard,Copy !req
243. across from the park,
apartment two.Copy !req
244. Atta girl.Copy !req
245. Okay, now spit
in your own mouth.Copy !req
246. This is a cool place.Copy !req
247. Boy, it sure is nice having
Mr. Quagmire's cat around.Copy !req
248. I got to say, cats are
so much better than dogs.Copy !req
249. Well, that's kind of
a broad statement.
It's true.Copy !req
250. Okay, show me one way in which
cats are better than dogs.Copy !req
251. Well, okay, uh,
for one thing,Copy !req
252. they always land
on their feet.Copy !req
253. Watch.Copy !req
254. So? Big deal.
Dogs do that, too.Copy !req
255. Here, go ahead, do what you
just did, but with me.Copy !req
256. Ow! Oh, my God!Copy !req
257. Oh, my neck! Ow!Copy !req
258. Oh, my God, Brian!Copy !req
259. Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
Call somebody! Oh!Copy !req
260. We need one of
those boardsCopy !req
261. they use for
football players! Ow!Copy !req
262. Hey, what's going on?Copy !req
263. Nothing.Copy !req
264. I just figured out
why cats are better than babies.Copy !req
265. Well, that's kind of
a broad statement.Copy !req
266. Okay, 2820 Ocean,
this is it.Copy !req
267. All right, apartment number two.Copy !req
268. We'll just pick the lock.Copy !req
269. What? What is that?Copy !req
270. Let's use our eyes to see.Copy !req
271. Aw, this guy has sugar cereals.Copy !req
272. His mom must be so cool.Copy !req
273. And he's got a trash compactor.Copy !req
274. It compacted it all.Copy !req
275. That is so boss.Copy !req
276. Aha! We meet again, Briggs.Copy !req
277. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who are you?Copy !req
278. Joe Swanson.Copy !req
279. Who?Copy !req
280. Wait, you... you
don't remember me?Copy !req
281. I infiltrated your
heroin operation.Copy !req
282. We saw Reality Bits
together.Copy !req
283. You guys, I found him!Copy !req
284. He went that way!Copy !req
285. Damn it. That's Lois.Copy !req
286. If I don't get this,
she's going to kill me.Copy !req
287. Hi, sweetie.Copy !req
288. Yeah, everything's great.Copy !req
289. Of course, I miss you.Copy !req
290. Well, how does the supermarket
run out of parsley?Copy !req
291. I'm as angry as you are.Copy !req
292. Peter, I'm going to fall!Copy !req
293. It looks like
you're out of roof.Copy !req
294. Damn it.
There's no way across.Copy !req
295. Spidey, can you swing us
across with your web?Copy !req
296. No, I can't
swing you across.Copy !req
297. And it's Spider-Man,
not Spidey.Copy !req
298. I'm pretty sure I've heard
people call you Spidey.Copy !req
299. Yeah, close friends.Copy !req
300. What's your name?
Peter.Copy !req
301. Hey, Petey,
do stuff for me.Copy !req
302. Oh, I don't like that.
Yeah, you don't like it.Copy !req
303. And you're a fat nobody,
and I'm Spider-Man,Copy !req
304. so how do you
think I feel?Copy !req
305. He's getting away.
Guys, drop me over the side!Copy !req
306. Are you crazy, Joe?Copy !req
307. That fall
will kill you.Copy !req
308. Not if I land on my legs.Copy !req
309. Heads up.Copy !req
310. I got you now, Briggs.Copy !req
311. Move that bus!Copy !req
312. Enjoy your new home.Copy !req
313. He's gone, you guys!Copy !req
314. I had him!Copy !req
315. That was our one chance!Copy !req
316. It's all right, Joe.Copy !req
317. You got nothing
to be ashamed of.Copy !req
318. You're a great copCopy !req
319. with a very
distinguished career.Copy !req
320. You caught that guy
who was killingCopy !req
321. all those
Filipino girls.Copy !req
322. Yeah, but this was important!Copy !req
323. This was the guy
who ruined my life.Copy !req
324. The one perp
who meant everything to me.Copy !req
325. If I caught this guy,Copy !req
326. I'd finally be able
to sleep at night.Copy !req
327. Damn it!Copy !req
328. Oh, thank God. Cops.Copy !req
329. Oh, good.Copy !req
330. You guys
can still catch Briggs.Copy !req
331. He's headed that way.Copy !req
332. We're not here for him.Copy !req
333. We're here for you guys.Copy !req
334. You're under arrest
for interferingCopy !req
335. with a police
investigation.Copy !req
336. What?Copy !req
337. Yeah, what the hell?Copy !req
338. You should be out there
arresting the real criminals.Copy !req
339. Like switchblade-wielding
white guysCopy !req
340. from movies and TV
who don't talk like people talk.Copy !req
341. Easy, mama.Copy !req
342. Hand over that purse,
and everythingCopy !req
343. will be real cool,
you dig?Copy !req
344. Guys, you got to let us
out of here.Copy !req
345. The real criminal's
getting away.Copy !req
346. Yeah, the bastard's
making a break for it,Copy !req
347. just like
South America.Copy !req
348. Hmm.Copy !req
349. Lot of black guys over there.Copy !req
350. Hey, man,
where you going?Copy !req
351. I'll be back.
I'm coming back.Copy !req
352. I'll be right back.Copy !req
353. Why would the cops
arrest usCopy !req
354. instead of going
after Briggs?Copy !req
355. Flannigan?
Wait a minute.Copy !req
356. That's one of the corrupt cops
who helped harbor BriggsCopy !req
357. while he was on the lam
for 15 years.Copy !req
358. These guys are bad news.Copy !req
359. Oh, my God.Copy !req
360. What are they
going to do to us?Copy !req
361. We're not going to stick around
to find out.Copy !req
362. Joe, hold your handcuffs
over my lap.Copy !req
363. (zip)Copy !req
364. What the hell is that?Copy !req
365. Swiss Army penis.Copy !req
366. Wow, Quagmire.
That's incredible.Copy !req
367. Peter?Copy !req
368. Yours are made
of a stronger metal.Copy !req
369. We're going to have to go
with the acetylene torch penis.Copy !req
370. Don't...
don't look right at it.Copy !req
371. My STDs help it
burn brighter.Copy !req
372. The keys are in
the ignition. Let's go!Copy !req
373. I told you to search
that guy's penis.Copy !req
374. You say that
about everybody.Copy !req
375. Yeah, we did it!
But we lost Briggs.Copy !req
376. How are we
going to find him now?Copy !req
377. We got nothing.Copy !req
378. Well, I don't know if
it helps, but I foundCopy !req
379. this number next to the
phone in his kitchen.Copy !req
380. I was saving it 'cause
I was going to makeCopy !req
381. a scrapbook of the
trip for you guys.Copy !req
382. Let me see that.Copy !req
383. This is the area code
for Juarez, Mexico.Copy !req
384. He's trying to get
over the border!Copy !req
385. You think so?
Definitely.Copy !req
386. There's only one road
into Juarez,Copy !req
387. and it goes
through El Paso.Copy !req
388. We got to get
to El Paso.Copy !req
389. Joe, how do you knowCopy !req
390. the area code for
Juarez, Mexico?Copy !req
391. There was a stem cell doctor
I went down there to see.Copy !req
392. He just rubbed, like,
salsa on my legs.Copy !req
393. Hey, you're not
in uniform.Copy !req
394. Are you guys cops?Copy !req
395. Are you guys cops?Copy !req
396. They know we're not cops!Copy !req
397. All right, guys,
the next flightCopy !req
398. to El Paso leaves
in 40 minutes.Copy !req
399. But Briggs is ahead of us.Copy !req
400. Won't he already be there?Copy !req
401. No, he'd never risk
going through an airport.Copy !req
402. Too many cops,
too many cameras,Copy !req
403. too much security.Copy !req
404. I don't know, Joe.Copy !req
405. Sometimes the
security's pretty lax.Copy !req
406. I mean, the last plane
I was on got gay-jacked.Copy !req
407. This plane's going to Miami!Copy !req
408. Hey, Lois?Copy !req
409. Shh. Quiet, Brian.Copy !req
410. Mom's taking a nap
on the couch.Copy !req
411. Yeah. And look,
she fell asleepCopy !req
412. with the cat right
on her chest.Copy !req
413. Isn't that cute?Copy !req
414. Meow.Copy !req
415. Purr. Purr.Copy !req
416. I think you're dreaming.Copy !req
417. No, I'm not.Copy !req
418. Stupid cat!Copy !req
419. God, it's so damn hot.Copy !req
420. Hey, I got an idea.Copy !req
421. Let's make
scalding asphalt angels.Copy !req
422. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!Copy !req
423. Second-degree burns;
first-degree fun.Copy !req
424. Geez, how long we got to
stand out here like this?Copy !req
425. Till Briggs comes through.Copy !req
426. You know, I was thinking
about that, Joe.Copy !req
427. If Briggs is driving here,
that's like 2,000 miles.Copy !req
428. It's going to be at
least a couple of days.Copy !req
429. Huh. I guess you're right.Copy !req
430. Well, what are we going to do
for two days in El Paso?Copy !req
431. There's a Chicano
heritage festival.Copy !req
432. No way.Copy !req
433. KC and the Sunshine Band
is playing.Copy !req
434. Why?Copy !req
435. Or we could visit
the Pershing HouseCopy !req
436. where John Pershing
took controlCopy !req
437. of the Eighth Army
Brigade in 1914.Copy !req
438. So, that's his bed?
Yes.Copy !req
439. So, that's his desk?
Yes.Copy !req
440. So, that's his lamp?
Yes.Copy !req
441. So, that's his dresser?
Yes.Copy !req
442. So, that's his window?
Yes.Copy !req
443. So, that's his floor?
Yes.Copy !req
444. Wow.Copy !req
445. What do you got
there, Quagmire?Copy !req
446. Is that Briggs?Copy !req
447. No, this guy's clean.Copy !req
448. Well, send him through.
What's the holdup?Copy !req
449. Sombreros! Maracas!Copy !req
450. Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls!Copy !req
451. Get 'em now, folks!Copy !req
452. You're not going to find
this stuff in Mexico!Copy !req
453. Come on. What's
going on up there?Copy !req
454. Briggs.Copy !req
455. Damn it!
He's getting away!Copy !req
456. You're not going to get away
this time, you son of a bitch.Copy !req
457. Please, don't kill me.Copy !req
458. I'm not married.Copy !req
459. My life is awesome.Copy !req
460. I've waited 15 years
for this moment, Briggs.Copy !req
461. Do you have any idea
what it's likeCopy !req
462. to have to lift yourself
into a wheelchair every morning?Copy !req
463. To have your wife look at you
like you're half a man?Copy !req
464. To get preferential parking?Copy !req
465. To board a plane early
with the first-class peopleCopy !req
466. and gold card members?Copy !req
467. All right, it's not all bad.Copy !req
468. But I'm not going to kill you.Copy !req
469. I'm not an animal like you.Copy !req
470. So, what are you going to do,
arrest me?Copy !req
471. No.Copy !req
472. I don't arrest cripples.Copy !req
473. By the way, you're under arrest.Copy !req
474. I only said that last thing
'cause it seemed cool.Copy !req
475. Oh, my God,
that was so awesome.Copy !req
476. I saw everything.Copy !req
477. You were all like...Copy !req
478. And Briggs was all like...Copy !req
479. And then you were all like...Copy !req
480. And then Briggs's legs
were like...Copy !req
481. Oh, crap, he's dead.Copy !req
482. I think he bled out.Copy !req
483. I must have hit
the femoral artery.Copy !req
484. Ah, just kick him into Mexico.Copy !req
485. Guys, I can't thank you
enough for what you did.Copy !req
486. You risked your
lives for me,Copy !req
487. and I couldn't have
done it without you.Copy !req
488. Hey, that's what
pals are for.Copy !req
489. Yeah, and thanks for letting meCopy !req
490. fire a few rounds
into Briggs's corpse.Copy !req
491. That was the most powerful
I've felt in a couple years.Copy !req
492. Well, you guys helped meCopy !req
493. finally have some closure
in my life.Copy !req
494. I feel like a new man—
like I'm reborn.Copy !req
495. Joe, you have blood just
pouring out of your pant leg.Copy !req
496. Yeah, I had a ball
blow in the river.Copy !req