1. We now return to
Germany's favorite talk show,
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2. Das Ist Gut.
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3. Dad, what is this show?
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4. I don't know. It's just
a German guy listing items
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5. and then declaring them good.
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6. Wilkommen! Where are we?
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7. Das! Ist! Gut!
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8. Okay, sunsets.
Das ist gut.
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9. Ja.
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10. Sauerkraut.
Das ist gut.
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11. The autobahn. Vroom vroom!
Das ist gut.
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12. Oompa music.
Das ist gut.
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13. Euthanasia for
the mentally feeble.
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14. Das ist gut.
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15. Das Ist Gut
is filmed before an audience
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16. of the mentally feeble.
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17. God, I wish I could get tickets
to that show.
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18. We interrupt this program
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19. to bring you a Channel Five News
special report.
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20. Good evening. I'm Joyce Kinney
with this special report.
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21. The latest police
statistics have revealed
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22. a significant rise in
crime throughout Quahog.
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23. That's right, Joyce.
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24. And just to put it out there,
Tom Tucker is packin'.
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25. I drive a 2006 Infiniti,
and I don't intend to lose it.
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26. So come and get some, punks.
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27. An increase
in crime?
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28. That can't
be right.
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29. I haven't noticed
anything like that.
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30. You're in the house 14 hours
a day. What would you notice?
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31. Well, I hate to
admit it, Lois,
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32. but over the last
couple of years,
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33. this town has changed a lot, and
not necessarily for the better.
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34. Yeah, I mean, the other day,
I left a doodie
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35. right in the middle
of a Crate and Barrel.
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36. Came back 45 minutes later,
it was gone.
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37. Yeah, even school's
getting more dangerous.
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38. The bullies
have been so busy,
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39. they're outsourcing
their bullying to India.
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40. Okay, do you see
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41. the back of your underwear
in the mirror?
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42. Yes.
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43. Okay, I want you to pull it up
as high as you can.
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44. Well, I disagree
with you guys.
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45. I think Quahog
is still pretty great.
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46. You know, it's hard for me
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47. to take the things
you say seriously
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48. when I know what's been
in that mouth of yours.
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49. Look, I realize Quahog isn't
the small town it used to be,
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50. but it's still
very special to me.
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51. It's my home.
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52. Yeah, come on, guys, she's got
dyed roots in this community.
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53. Lois, I know you
love this town,
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54. but nothing is ever as
innocent as it seems.
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55. Attaboy, Ope.
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56. Give me all
your money!
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57. Okay, okay!
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58. You have a white wallet?
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59. Yeah, just like
Truman Capote.
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60. Who's Truman Capote?
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61. What a surprise!
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62. The mugger's never
heard of Truman Capote.
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63. There's a library card in there!
Use it!
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64. And now, let's meet our star!
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65. Give a warm Quahog Oceanland
welcome to Bojangles!
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66. All the fish
in the bucket now!
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67. Not one fish at a time
as a reward! All of them!
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68. Okay, okay,
take it easy.
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69. Okay, the one thing
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70. you don't want to do
is tell me to take it easy.
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71. Now do that thing
where you rub my belly!
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72. I really like that!
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73. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
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74. Yeah, now I'm gonna balance
a ball on your face.
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75. One more push.
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76. There we go!
It's a boy!
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77. And he's got a gun!
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78. Well, you guys,
we did it.
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79. We finally went to a restaurant
without somebody yelling at us,
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80. and then the rest of the place
applauding them.
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81. Oh, my God!
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82. We've been
burglarized!
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83. Well, we'll just have
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84. to get that $17 insurance check
and start over.
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85. Oh, my God,
it's so creepy to think
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86. there were strangers
in our house.
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87. I've never
felt so scared.
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88. I have.
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89. And now we wait.
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90. Oh, no, they took my gym shoes.
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91. Sorry, glutes,
no blasting today.
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92. They took my dirty rope
that was tied in a knot!
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93. They stole the chair
I use in the shower!
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94. They stole
all my pens!
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95. I... I don't have
a lot of stuff.
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96. Son of a bitch!
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97. They also stole
my sense of wonder.
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98. Nope.
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99. Oh, this is horrible!
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100. Maybe you guys were right.
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101. Maybe our town has changed.
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102. I know, it's awful.
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103. Pretty soon, guys are
just gonna be showing
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104. their boners to babies
and stuff, I bet.
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105. It's sad to think that Quahog
isn't safe for families anymore.
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106. I mean, all I ever wanted was
to raise our children
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107. in a wholesome place,
far away from all the crime
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108. and problems of the big city.
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109. I'm reading you, Lois.
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110. I'm reading you loud and clear.
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111. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
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112. Um, I'm looking for
a wholesome place
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113. for my family to live, so
I'd like to buy your farm.
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114. All right, well,
the going rate
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115. for my farm is $875,000.
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116. Uh... nobody
called ahead?
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117. What?
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118. Well, somebody... somebody from
Fox was supposed to call ahead.
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119. They usually
take care of it,
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120. and then I just go
ahead and do stuff.
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121. I didn't get
no phone call.
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122. Hello?
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123. Oh, yes.
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124. Yes, that'll be fine.
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125. Ah.
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126. Hey, Lois, you know
how I'm always
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127. buying things
impulsively?
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128. Well, that's gonna
be very hard to do
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129. now that we're
living on a farm.
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130. What? What are you
talking about?
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131. Um, a farm, Lois.
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132. It's where
vegetables live.
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133. Peter, you went out
and bought a farm
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134. without even talking
to me about it?
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135. Well, Lois, in my
defense, I have nothing
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136. to back up the beginning
of this sentence.
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137. I can't believe this.
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138. And it's not like
it's the first time you made
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139. a big family decision
without consulting me.
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140. Yes, I'd like to
see your quietest doctor.
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141. Peter, where'd you
even get the money
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142. to make that kind
of purchase?
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143. I sold the house.
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144. And I did it
on Craigslist,
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145. so I also made a
dangerous friend.
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146. What? How could
you sell the house?
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147. Spooner Street is our home!
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148. I mean, I have three aprons
that say "Quahog."
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149. What do you want me to do,
start all over?
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150. Lois, you were saying
yourself how you want
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151. our kids to grow up
in a wholesome place
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152. away from the big city.
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153. I... I did say that.
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154. And, Chris, you been
telling me how you wanted
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155. to watch animals
humping other animals
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156. what might not
be okay with it.
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157. That's true.
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158. And, Meg, you yourself
said lip gloss unicorns
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159. Channing Tatum something
something bullcrap.
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160. You were listening
the whole time?
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161. Don't you see,
you guys?
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162. I did this for
the family.
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163. Just think of this farm as
our next great adventure.
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164. Like when we tried to
invade the city of Troy.
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165. Peter, I don't think
this is the right horse.
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166. I am 100% positive
this is the right horse.
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167. Come on, guys,
what do you say?
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168. Will you join me
in eating eggs
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169. fresh out of a
chicken's butt?
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170. Yay! Now I can be one
of those filthy teens
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171. with sad eyes
at a farmer's market!
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172. Well, with what's
become of Quahog,
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173. maybe it is time
to make a change.
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174. I'm in, Dad!
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175. Me, too!
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176. All right, let's do it.
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177. Hey, what's going on?
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178. Well, we've made a decision
as a family, Brian.
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179. We've decided to take you to a
nice, big farm upstate.
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180. Wh-What?
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181. A farm with big
open fields, Brian,
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182. where you can just run
and run and be free
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183. and no one will
ever hurt you.
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184. Doesn't that sound
wonderful, Brian?
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185. Are you ready to go
to the nice farm?
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186. No! No!
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187. You'll never take me alive!
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188. Okay, I am at full
candy corn right now.
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189. Here we are, everyone.
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190. The Griffin family farm.
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191. Wow, look at us, Brian,
frontier people.
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192. I feel like those miners
who first struck gold
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193. in San Francisco.
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194. Oh, my God,
we did it!
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195. We struck gold!
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196. This is amazing!
We're gonna be rich!
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197. Rich and gay.
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198. Come here.
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199. Peter, what are you doing?
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200. Well, Lois, a big part
of owning a farm
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201. is crossing a road
very slowly with cows.
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202. Okay, okay, Bessie, now.
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203. Get yourself out there.
Easy does it.
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204. Hey, come on, man!
I got to get to work!
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205. And so do they, sir.
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206. Hurry it up!
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207. Wait a second.
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208. Now get in line, you!
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209. Hey, I thought I told you kids
to go plow in the field.
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210. But, Dad, we've been
plowing all morning.
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211. Yeah, I can't take
any more plowing.
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212. I can barely walk.
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213. Look, I know it seems
like dirty work, but, Chris,
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214. you got to spread that seed
until your sack is empty.
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215. And, Meg, you got to clear
away all that brush
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216. so he can plant it deep
where it needs to be.
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217. Okay, we'll keep
at it, but I think
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218. that hoe is pretty
much worn out.
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219. Well, flip it over;
you can use both sides.
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220. Peter, there's a guy
standing out in the yard.
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221. Oh, yeah, that's Larry.
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222. Part of being a farmer is having
a best friend named Larry
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223. who I spend huge
amounts of time with,
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224. but never actually talk to.
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225. Peter, I'm dying.
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226. This is the last time
I'll ever see you.
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227. Bye.
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228. Peter, I've been running
the numbers on this farm,
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229. and we're in deep trouble.
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230. We haven't grown
a single crop to sell.
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231. And meanwhile,
you're spending half our money
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232. down at the General Store,
and the other half
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233. at the Specific Store.
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234. Do you have almonds?
What kind of almonds?
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235. Marcona almonds.
From what region?
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236. The Basque Region.
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237. The Basque Region's
pretty big.
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238. North? South?
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239. Southern Basque.
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240. How much should
each almond weigh?
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241. Point eight ounces?
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242. Sorry, we only
have point sixes.
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243. Aw.
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244. Yeah, hi. Do you have stuff?
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245. Yeah, we have stuff!
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246. And is it true that you've been
spending the farm's money
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247. on gingham shirts you tie into
a knot to expose your belly?
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248. I bought a couple.
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249. Well, with all this debt
and no income, there's no way
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250. we're gonna be able
to keep up our bank payments.
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251. Peter, if something
doesn't change,
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252. I'm afraid we're
gonna lose this farm.
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253. Great, just what I need
on my conscience:
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254. another failed business.
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255. Hi, I'd like to rent
The Proposal.
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256. Hang on, let me check
the return slot.
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257. I'm sorry, it hasn't
been returned yet.
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258. I have a poster from The
Proposal you can look at.
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259. You'll get
most of the story.
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260. Huh. They seem
pretty mismatched.
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261. There you go.
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262. Look, it's like
I've been saying,
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263. farming is
very difficult.
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264. When? W-When did
you say that?
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265. Farming takes incredible
skill and knowledge
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266. and the sort
of specialized experience
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267. that takes generations
to acquire.
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268. Dad, my favorite hen laid
this crazy-looking egg!
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269. Cheep-cheep.
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270. What's your point, Brian?
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271. My point is that
maybe I should go
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272. to the local state college and
take some agriculture courses.
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273. With the proper training,
maybe I can actually
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274. learn something that
will save this farm.
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275. Wow, Brian,
that's a great idea.
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276. And, hey, maybe I could give
the speech at your graduation.
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277. I'm really good at that.
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278. And so, as I look out at your
smiling faces filled with hope,
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279. all I can think is,
you are completely screwed.
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280. As Martin Luther King once said,
"Ouch, I've been shot."
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281. Thank you.
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282. Okay, that's
all my stuff.
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283. I'm off to State Tech Ag
Central College Tech.
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284. There's really two
"techs" in there?
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285. The proudest day
of a man's life
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286. is when his dog
goes off to college.
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287. I'll learn all I can.
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288. And I'll see you guys soon.
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289. Aw, he packed a guitar?
What a douche.
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290. Guys, what's that over there?
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291. Oh, my God, it's a tornado!
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292. And it's coming this way!
We got to run!
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293. Hang on, guys, it might just be
the Tasmanian Devil.
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294. Come on!
Into the storm cellar!
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295. What is this place?
It's really dark down here.
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296. Shh.
What?
Did you hear something?
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297. No, I just want you
to stop talking.
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298. Wait, I think
I found the lights.
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299. Wh-What is that?
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300. Aw, sweet!
It's some kind of lab.
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301. Hey, maybe it has
one of those things that goes...
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302. 'Cause that's
important for science.
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303. Look at all this stuff.
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304. Burners, plastic tubing.
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305. 12 cases of
cold medicine?
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306. You guys...
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307. I think this is
a meth lab.
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308. Oh, my God.
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309. You mean like
as in...
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310. D-R-U-G-S?
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311. Aren't those
I-L-L-E-G-A-L?
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312. What's going on?
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313. What are you guys
talking about?
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314. Uh-oh, someone's
getting cranky.
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315. I think he
needs an N-A-P.
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316. What's happening?
Where are you taking me?
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317. Man, I got to crack this code.
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318. Oh, my God!
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319. You guys, there's
a fully functional meth lab
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320. in our basement.
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321. Boy, we should
clean this place up.
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322. It's a meth.
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323. Brian?
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324. Oh, right, you're at college.
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325. We have to call
the police.
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326. Whoa, whoa,
hang on, Lois.
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327. Now, I know you're
freaked out,
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328. but when you really stop
and think about it,
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329. this meth lab is our
family's best chance
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330. to make meth in a lab.
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331. What... what are you
talking about, Peter?
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332. I'm talking about
saving the farm.
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333. Don't you see?
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334. This lab is just what we need
to get back on our feet.
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335. No way, Peter.
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336. Dealing drugs
is morally wrong,
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337. not to mention
incredibly dangerous.
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338. Come on, we've always
been risk takers.
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339. You remember
when we did it
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340. in the bathroom at
that restaurant?
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341. I can't believe
we're actually gonna do this.
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342. Yeah. You go in first,
and I'll go in a minute.
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343. Oh, wow!
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344. Oh, my God!
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345. Oh, this is amazing!
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346. You dirty girl.
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347. Peter, I haven't
left yet.
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348. You sick whore.
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349. Look, it'd just be
temporary, Lois.
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350. Just for a bit, just till we
get the farm back on its feet.
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351. Till we get our family
back on its feet.
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352. I don't know...
Lois, we've always
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353. given our family
whatever it needs.
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354. Well, right now,
our family needs us
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355. to sell illegal drugs to
the tank top community.
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356. What do you say?
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357. All right, Peter, we can make
one meth, and that's it.
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358. And it's only because I don't
see any other way out of this.
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359. Thanks, Lois.
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360. Oh, this is gonna
work out great.
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361. Hey, are you guys
gonna feed us anytime soon?
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362. No, sorry, we're
doing meth stuff now.
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363. I'll eat that.
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364. You just got clean.
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365. Everyone, now that
I'm a meth dealer,
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366. I'm going to respond
violently to outside noises
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367. that the rest of
you don't hear.
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368. Uh, okay, Peter,
but I...
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369. What was that?
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370. Dad, I think that
was just a cricket.
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371. Then what the hell was that?
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372. That was just
me saying,
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373. "That was just
a cricket."
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374. Dad, settle down.
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375. There's no one
out there, Peter.
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376. You sure?
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377. Yeah, yeah, you're right,
it's probably just a—
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378. Did you guys lock the truck?
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379. Dad, we don't
even have a...
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380. What the hell is
going on out there?
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381. Come on out,
whoever you are!
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382. I want to show my kids
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383. what it looks like
when a bitch dies!
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384. Peter, there's
no one there.
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385. Well, maybe I
should just fire
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386. a couple of rounds
into the darkness.
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387. Don't hear those
crickets no more.
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388. I'm not...
gonna make it.
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389. You hang in there,
you hear me?
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390. Listen to me.
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391. I want you to take
care of my kids.
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392. I will.
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393. And I want you to be there
whenever there's a bad joke.
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394. Let them know.
Let them know.
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395. Gee, I hope I didn't
scare the cows.
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396. I don't want to put
them in a bad mood.
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397. What's that, Dad?
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398. It's my new meth
distribution system.
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399. I've trained this
carrier pigeon
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400. to do all my deliveries for me.
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401. Fly away, Benjamin!
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402. Ah, perfect, perfect.
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403. Now this is the money
I owe Peter.
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404. I want you
to take it back to him.
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405. Do you understand?
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406. Yes, hello, I'd like to buy
400 blister packs of Actifed,
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407. or similar pseudoephedrine-based
decongestant.
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408. Why?
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409. I have a cold.
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410. Achoo.
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411. Hang on, let me
check something.
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412. Okay, you're fine.
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413. Be right back.
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414. Well done, Stewie.
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415. That could've gone really wrong.
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416. Like that Kid Rock concert.
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417. Oh, my God, help!
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418. He's having
a heart attack!
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419. Is anyone here
a doctor?
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420. No way
someone's a doctor here.
Copy !req
421. Hey, everyone, I'm back!
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422. Hello?
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423. What the hell?
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424. Hey, Brian's home!
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425. What the hell
is going on?
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426. Nothing, nothing.
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427. Just working on
a family project.
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428. Getting in some
together time.
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429. I have a crossbow!
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430. Chris has a crossbow.
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431. Okay, well, uh...
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432. I'm back
from agricultural school,
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433. and I might have the solution
to our farming trouble.
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434. I brought some
heirloom tomato seeds.
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435. That's nice, Brian.
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436. Here's a new kind of meth
you put in your pee-hole.
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437. Wh-What?
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438. Oh, yeah,
we're meth dealers now.
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439. Yeah, you missed it.
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440. My teeth came in
and then fell out again.
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441. I don't believe this!
Are you guys insane?
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442. We're rich
is what we are!
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443. Look at all
that cash, Brian.
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444. He don't get none of that!
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445. He wasn't
here for it!
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446. Well, this is just great!
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447. I turn my back for a month,
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448. and this place
turns into a drug den!
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449. For your information,
it is also a drag queen hangout.
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450. Hey, look, our meth
is on the news!
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451. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
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452. Our top story: Methamphetamine
is flooding into Quahog
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453. in epidemic amounts, and is
believed to be originating
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454. from the nearby
rural community of Farmton.
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455. Farmton— that's the name
of the place we live.
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456. I forgot to mention
that earlier.
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457. For more on the story,
we now go live
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458. to Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa.
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459. Tom, meth is fine!
Everything's fine!
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460. Go back to your own business!
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461. Thanks, Tricia.
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462. She's doing fun things
for me, for money.
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463. Oh, my God.
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464. We're hurting
our own hometown.
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465. All those drugs that are
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466. flooding into Quahog
are from us.
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467. Oh, yeah?
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468. Well, if we're dealing
so many drugs to Quahog,
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469. why is the Quahog envelope
so light this week?
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470. Yeah, I say
we go down there
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471. and talk to
those people in Quahog.
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472. No! This is
what I'm talking about.
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473. Meth has turned
us into monsters.
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474. Lois, take it easy.
No. You know what?
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475. This is my own fault
for listening to you.
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476. I forgot you don't even
know your ass
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477. from a hole
in the ground.
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478. Is that... is that my ass?
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479. Lois, where
the hell you going?
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480. I'm going back home to
Quahog, where I belong.
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481. If any of you want to come
with me, you're welcome to.
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482. First of all,
you sat in something green
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483. and it's on your butt,
so no one's gonna follow you.
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484. And second,
no one's gonna leave a place
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485. where there are
tons of beakers
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486. for a place where
there are zero beakers.
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487. Peter, don't you see?
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488. We left Quahog because
of the crime problem.
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489. But now we've become
part of that problem.
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490. Yo, what is this bitch
trippin' about?
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491. Look at our
lives, Peter.
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492. Look at our family.
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493. I don't recognize
us anymore.
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494. It's time to go back
to Spooner Street
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495. and be the
Griffins again.
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496. Let's go, Peter.
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497. Let's go back
to Quahog.
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498. But... but what about
this farm?
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499. And this house?
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500. And the lab inside the house,
which is currently producing
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501. an incredibly volatile
and explosive batch
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502. of thermo-reactive chemic...
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503. There were a lot of
Rottweilers in that house.
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504. Well, it's good to be
back in our old house.
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505. How did we get this place
back, by the way?
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506. Well, luckily the value
of this place plummeted
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507. because this is
a meth town now.
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508. You know, I think the
lesson here is that
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509. if your community has problems,
you don't abandon it.
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510. It's better to stay put and
help fix those problems.
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511. That's right, Lois, 'cause
wherever you run to,
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512. your problems have a
funny way of finding you.
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513. Hey, are you guys in there?
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514. Peter, I need a taste!
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515. Oh, my God, it's Jodie Sweetin.
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516. Quick, everyone
lie on the floor.
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517. Peter, come on! I've got
Maureen McCormick with me.
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518. She'll let you
finish anywhere.
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519. Okay, everyone hide upstairs.
Daddy's gonna take care of this.
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